(POP SONG PLAYlNG)
(SPRAYlNG)
Okay. (LAUGHS)
Okay. You're an idiot.
(GURGLlNG)
You know what?
(SPRAYlNG)
Don't. Come on, don't. What? What? Do you not want...
(SPRAYlNG CONTlNUES) Come on. No. Stop. No, honey.
Stop it. You're... Give me that.
No. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Come here.
We're going to be late for the ceremony.
WHlTNEY: When is the last time a wedding actually started on time?
That's because they're always waiting for you.
Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm ready. Okay.
Whit, you're going to wear a hoodie to a wedding?
What, were your overalls in the wash?
Okay. I almost froze to death at Nick and Rachel's wedding.
You mean the one that was in Mexico.
Where the groomsmen wore shorts?
How dare you. You know that I have bad circulation.
And it got worse after I got laser hair removal for you.
All right, come on. We've really got to go.
Okay, fine. But I won this.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay. What?
Whit, you can't wear white to a wedding.
Come on. It's got a pattern.
Yeah. A white pattern.
Ugh! Such a stupid rule.
What, does the bride think the groom is going to get confused
and marry me by accident?
Getting married is so dumb.
Just because your parents each got divorced three times
doesn't mean that all marriages are bad.
Half of all marriages end.
If half of all planes crashed, would you continue to fly?
It's just so much faster than driving.
(SlGHS)
Zip me.
Is this new? (SlGHS) No. I just hate it.
without a D.J. telling me to get this party started.
Okay.
Okay, phone. Got it.
Keys. Got them.
Purse. Not that whipped.
Wait, is that what you're wearing?
WHlTNEY: Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
You heard me.
Hi. Hi. Hey.
Neal, do you have my purse? Got it.
Wow. Again with the matching.
Oh, no. It was totally an accident this time.
Well, was it? Or is it...
BOTH: That we love the same things.
They've been together a year. Let them have it.
Babe, we got Table 8.
We met at a wedding at Table 8.
Yeah. And wound up in a Motel Six.
WHlTNEY: Okay.
Hey... Wow. Okay. Hi.
Hey. Hi.
Uh, Roxanne, you can't wear pants to a wedding.
Lil, get off my balls.
I pay alimony to an ex-husband
who does spoken word for a living.
I could wear cargo pants. That's true.
Are they, uh... Are they already serving drinks?
Hmm? Oh, no. I brought this.
(lNSTRUMENTAL MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Nice dress.
You should have worn the hoodie.
Yeah.
(EXHALES)
D.J.: Let's get this party started!
(UPBEAT MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Hola. Alex. Whitney.
Hey. Shalom.
Neal. Lily. Ouch.
Roxy. Love the side boob.
That's armpit fat.
It all feels the same in the dark.
Mark, how are you ever late?
You have sirens on top of your car.
Dude, I was down at the station doing a little recon.
Uh, you mean stalking the bridesmaids on Facebook.
Yes.
Two of them love Police Academy.
So, someone is going on a ride-along tonight.
On my face. WHlTNEY: Okay.
You know what? We know what you're saying.
Yeah.
She's going to throw the bouquet.
You guys, come on! Okay.
Yeah.
LlLY: Neal?
Someone's getting a cavity search...
Hey, man. You actually don't have to do that.
Okay? It's just me. Relax.
Okay, thanks.
Excuse me. Aren't you the guy
who sold that big lnternet company?
Yeah, hi, I'm Alex. Have we met?
I'm Sarah.
We met at Jeff's birthday party.
A bunch of people are doing shots if you want to come.
Oh. Yeah, you know, l...
I have a girlfriend, so I can't really engage in any type of merriment.
Yeah, you date that photographer girl who's really loud.
Whitney.
Honey, do you have those Pepto things?
It's just that the scallops are getting chatty.
Excuse me.
Oh. Sorry. Are you going to...
Taking off? Yeah. Taking off.
Got it.
That Ashley girl is a beast.
Yeah, she's currently under investigation.
Enjoy another year of eHarmony, biotch!
(LAUGHlNG) Boom.
Dude, what were you doing out there?
I set a pick.
Yeah. I just read in Cosmo
that one of the keys to a healthy relationship
is participating in your partner's passions.
Well, Cosmo is for skanks.
No, it has interesting statistics.
Like, "Couples with the most successful relationships
"have sex four or five times a week."
Five times a week? Yeah.
Who has time for that?
Well, that is what happened in my marriage.
I mean, things got platonic.
We stopped having sex.
Well, I stopped having sex.
He continued with other people.
It's not his fault. He's a man.
Monogamy is not natural.
If the cavemen had been monogamous,
there would be, like, six people.
Mark, you can't justify everything you do using cavemen.
Why not? The cavemen did it.
I'm just saying.
Once you're in a long-term relationship,
you're not tapping that every night.
Oh, look. They're going to do the cake.
Some of the cupcakes are missing.
It was her.
Wow. You're on fire tonight.
What are you closing with, black face?
I just got an email from Mark.
Went home with the pregnant girl.
He said he wants to know if it counts as a threesome.
Ah. Your feet are freezing.
Why aren't we having sex?
'Cause your hair is up and I ate pork.
Okay. I don't mean now.
I mean, why aren't we having it more often?
What do you mean, my hair is up?
When your hair is up, you don't like to be touched.
Or talked to.
When's the last time I wore my hair down?
Uh... Two years ago?
Okay. Be serious. I just...
I don't think we're having sex enough.
I mean, why aren't we tapping this every night?
Well, you can tap that whenever you want.
This is serious, okay? This is a thing.
This happened to Roxanne.
This happened to my mother with all three of her husbands.
I don't want to end up like my mother.
She has seven parrots.
I thought she had seven therapists.
Yeah. She has 14 things telling her she's pretty.
I just... Do you know what this Sunday is?
Yeah, it's our three-year anniversary.
You knew that? Yeah.
We haven't even planned anything.
I mean, we did something good last year, right?
Yeah, you took Tylenol P.M.
In the a.m.
I mixed up the bottles.
And as I recall, you still had sex with me.
It was our anniversary.
Okay. I just...
We're going to do something awesome this year.
Okay? But for now, you just...
You just stay in that bed. All right?
Because a storm of sexy is going to come your way.
So, just... Just get your umbrella.
(HUMMlNG)
That's not good.
That's... What is that?
This is what...
That's not what l...
No, I can't.
Whit, what happened in there?
The storm of sexy is probably coming through more like tomorrow-ish.
(CAMERA CLlCKlNG)
Okay. Okay, Lil. Careful with the cleavage.
What? If I'm going to start a blog, I want to look good.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
You're a food critic, not a Kardashian.
(SlGHS)
So, you and Neal never go, like, four or five days without having sex?
Uh-uh. I work very hard at keeping our sex life good.
I do Kegels every day.
Huh.
I'm doing them right now.
WHlTNEY: Hey. LlLY: Hi.
Hi. Hi.
Can't. Wine?
Oh. To your right.
The glasses are right behind you.
That's fine, too.
Being a single woman today is embarrassing.
That guy, Chris, I'm dating, just told me I have bad chi.
Your chi is a little rough.
Whatever. You know what?
I'm 33. My chi is tired.
You know what makes you tired? Drinking at 2:30.
You guys have no idea what is going on out there.
You know? It is a war zone.
Hmm. Guys get calf implants.
They have feelings.
I dated a guy who had a screensaver of a baby on his computer.
And it wasn't even his baby.
That's sweet. That's a pedophile.
Anyway, enough about me.
You left me a message I did not listen to. What was it?
Um... Well, I just...
Our three year anniversary is coming up,
and I really want to do something good.
ROXANNE: Mmm.
What about Color Me Mine?
(GASPS) What about OxyContin?
Is it possible that there is something in between?
Uh, is there something I can help you with?
Yeah. Wow. You look cold.
Um, yeah. I'm interested in becoming a sex goddess.
Uh, I'll do pretty much anything.
Except latex, feathers, bird flu...
Um... Oh, and no underwire. It's like I'm leaning on a fence.
How about role-play?
You dress up in sexy costumes
and pretend to be other people.
Yeah. It is exactly like being with other people.
Except you're with the same freaking person
and he's dressed like an idiot.
What about this cowboy costume?
Oh, that's very popular. And how about a toy gun?
Yeah. It helps you get into character.
Okay. I'm not Daniel Day-Lewis.
I just want to get laid.
Hi, hon.
Hello, there.
Are you here to see the doctor?
I don't know.
Am l?
Yes, you are, anniversary boy.
I'm going to need you to sign in.
Yeah, I'll sign in.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Mr. Miller.
I'm going to need your insurance card.
Oh. Uh...
(EXCLAlMS)
Come on. Do it for real.
I'm pretty sure that Dr...
Quinn.
Medicine Woman? Mmm-hmm.
Well, I'm pretty sure that Dr. Quinn has my info already.
I doubt it.
I'm going to need you to have a seat and fill out these forms.
Whit... Do I really need my employer's address?
Oh, I actually think we have that on file.
Let me go check.
But our file room is huge.
And sometimes, I get lost in there.
So, if I'm not back in a minute,
you might want to come help.
I think I've got that file you're looking for right here!
Oh!
WHlTNEY: Mr. Miller? The doctor will see you now.
Mr. Miller?
Ooh. Mr. Miller.
What happened?
I guess I'm going to need to give you mouth to mouth.
(CHUCKLlNG)
Alex?
He's going to be okay, right?
We'll take care of him, ma'am.
What's your relation to this man? He's my boyfriend.
I'm sorry. You are not allowed back here
unless you're a spouse or immediate family member.
Feel free to have a seat out here.
Okay. We've been together for three years.
So, we're basically married.
You're either married or you're not.
Nurse to nurse?
I've got to get back there.
Nurse to stripper, have a seat.
It's okay, Whit.
It's a concussion, but the nurse said he'll be fine.
He's not fine. He's in there and he's all alone.
Whit, as your friend, I should tell you something
that's not easy for me to say.
You're still wearing that tiny hat.
(MUMBLlNG)
I mean, he doesn't have his special pillow.
Ifyou want, I can go and get his special pillow.
Oh, Mark, thank you. It's in the bedroom.
It's squishy and it's, like, this big.
Yeah, it is.
And might I find it in your underwear drawer?
Okay. I'll go.
Yeah. And why don't you grab her some pants?
Okay. But let's not forget next time we're all together
to mock Alex for having a special pillow.
Okay, Neal. Thank you so much.
Oh. Oh, you poor baby.
Mom!
Oh! What happened?
He hit his head on the counter,
and now, he has a concussion.
Oh, you poor thing.
Is he going to be all right, Doctor?
Oh, I'm actually not the doctor.
I'm Neal. We've met three times.
Last time you thought I was the valet.
Oh. I could have used you five minutes ago.
I'm blocking an ambulance. Mom.
I'm going to do my rounds.
Oh, well, you poor, poor thing.
Oh. All the single ladies.
Candi. Is your father here?
Wow. Thirty seconds. That's a new record.
It's one thing for him not to show up for your college graduation.
Okay. Mom, you told him the wrong time.
Well, it's not his fault that he is so selfish
that he doesn't show up and support you the way that I do.
Right. He's not a bad guy.
Mmm-hmm. He's just a horrible person,
and he owes me a check.
But this is not about that.
This is about you. Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
(SlGHS)
Why aren't you back there with him?
Oh, they won't let me because we're not married.
Ah. It's so stupid.
I told you, you should get married.
No. You told me to marry him
because if he cheats on me, I'll get half his stuff.
Yeah, it's the law. I'm just trying to help.
So, sue me. Dad already did.
Yeah, well, he showed up for that.
You know what? Maybe you shouldn't marry Alex.
I mean, that way, you don't have to be stuck with him
for the rest of your life.
But l... I do want to be stuck with him.
That's... That's exactly what I want.
Now, you're not making any sense.
Miss Cummings? You can come see Alex now.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
That was such a stupid idea.
No, it wasn't. Yes, it was.
You were in here, and I was stuck out there.
And that scary nurse wouldn't let me back,
and I realized that I want to be stuck with you.
For the rest of my life.
So...
(CLEARlNG THROAT) Alex...
Will you marry me?
No. Thank God.
(SlGHS) Good.
Look, Whitney, I know that marriage scares you.
So, we'll just wait until it doesn't anymore. All right?
I love you so much that I'm not going to marry you.
(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.
I just... I was worried that things were going to fizzle or fade or...
I don't know. I just...
I really want us to stay together.
I love you. And I hate moving.
Oh.
So, this is the best part about being together for so long.
Is that, you know, you can wear hoodies
and your hair up or down or... I don't care.
And get off the floor.
What are you doing? Oh. Sorry. (LAUGHS)
You know that people bleed out in here, right? Okay.
That's disgusting.
(SlGHS) So, seriously, are you okay?
Well, yeah. You know, I am feeling rather woozy.
Oh.
Well, Mr. Miller,
I think I know the exact thing to inject.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah? What might that be, Nurse Cummings?
Oh, you know, just 3cc's ofvalenimedicine
"Valenimedicine"? Uh-huh?
Was that one or two words?
That's a... That's a real...
It's... It's a medical term. Oh, okay.
I googled it. Right.
You know, I think we're going
to have to keep you overnight for observation.
Do I have to be in here all alone?
Well, my shift ends soon.
So, we better hurry.
Oh, be careful. I just... I have to return this tomorrow.
You rented it?
No. I just... I left the tags on, you know?
Because, I mean, I'm only going to wear it once.
No... Whit! Oh!
WHlTNEY: Oh. Oh. Oh.
Nurse. Nurse? Real nurse!