Cougar Town 1x08 - Two Gunslingers
Could you not pick your feet?
Honey, they're right next to my head.
What?
This is not the grossest thing that's happening at this beach right now.
I mean, those two are obviously having sex.
- Ah! - And that boy's parents don't think
he needs to wear a bathing suit, even though he seems to be about 14.
I hate Europeans.
I can't believe I'm gonna be 41 on Saturday.
I mean, that's in your forties.
Hey, let's play a game. I'm gonna say a number
and you stop me when you think it's an age that I can pass for.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Thirty-four. Thirty-five. Thirty-six.
Thirty-six! Thirty-six?
All right, stupid game. I don't wanna play.
Cheer up. For your birthday I'm taking you to that new French restaurant.
And then after you put OI' Big Hat to bed,
you and I are going dancing at Oasis.
Just don't wear any red. They have a tiny gang violence problem.
I can't believe you're forcing me to make separate plans with each of you.
Going swimming.
Frank, Shanna, hi! Long time, no see.
Yeah.
Such a long time.
Anyway, see you around.
When Bobby and I were married, we were kind of friends with the Millers.
They were so weird. Do you think it was because of the divorce?
It could be.
Or it could be that when your swimsuit is wet, it's so see-through
I can count the individual goose bumps on your nerps.
Why do they even sell white bathing suits?
Are you sure they noticed?
Pretty sure.
Good luck on your test.
I wouldn't wait for her test results to come in. I'd get on antibiotics now.
I will have you know that Summer is a student.
Today is her third day of massage school.
- I wish I could take that back. - But you can't.
Mommy, if that lady slept over at Mr. Ellis' house,
Oh, good. Shanna, hi.
I'm so sorry about yesterday.
- I had a little headlight incident. - They know.
What did you think would happen with a white swimsuit?
In the catalog, the model was coming out of the water and it looked fine.
Well, she was also wearing high heels and was on a motorcycle.
It's OK, Jules.
- Besides, it's typical. - Typical?
Ever since you got divorced, we've noticed the short skirts,
- the 28-year-old boyfriend. - Twenty-eight-and-a-half.
And we broke up.
His mom told me. She's in my church group.
- Let's go, girls. - "Let's go, girls?"
What is this, some weird mom gang?
When did Shanna get to be so mean?
That catty witch is just jealous
'cause you're a 41 -year-old hottie who can pass for 38.
- I believe we agreed on 36. - Oh.
I just don't want to be in this stupid town for my birthday.
Everybody talks about everything.
I just wanna go somewhere where no one knows who I am
and I could just let loose and not be judged.
How about that new beach resort on Siesta Key?
- Yes! - No.
Come on! We can all share a suite,
and then we can make plans to rent bikes
and kayaks and paddleboards, and then never do any of it!
I wouldn't share a suite with Trampolina here
if they gave away free lipo with the continental breakfast.
Ditto. I'd rather go bald.
It's my birthday, so suck it up.
Come on, how fun would a road trip be?
- Fun. - So much fun.
Oh, please try harder.
- Fun! - So much fun!
Thank you!
OK, your dad convinced some tourist that he's a hunting guide,
so not only can he not watch you this weekend,
but there's a good chance he's gonna end up dead in the woods.
Well, I am 18. Don't need a babysitter.
Look, I was your age. I know the kind of stuff I did when my parents went away.
I know where this is going, OK?
Your cautionary tales always end up with you giving birth to me.
- It was the happiest day of my life. - Damn straight.
I can check in on the kid if you promise
to stop hassling me about the girls I bring home.
- Yeah, I can't do it. - Hmm.
Well, I guess I could probably stop for, like, three days.
Deal!
I wonder how many I can cycle through the abode in three days.
I'm guessing, like, seven.
Lucky, lucky girls.
Psst!
OK, so here's the plan:
Do not come over to my house.
If the house is on fire, you may knock once.
If I don't answer, assume I set the fire and I wanna burn to death.
You're a neat kid.
You know, when Bobby and I went camping for one week,
all we brought was bug spray, matches and a coffee cake.
You guys are going away for one night, right?
What's your point, V-neck?
- I took all our pillows. - Great.
- All right, ready, ladies? - Yep.
- Road trip! - Whoo!
Enjoy your stay at Playa del Roca.
Thank you, Trent from Tallahassee.
You know, we're here celebrating my 34th birthday.
Do you find that to be a believable statement?
Could've been a twenty, Trent.
Someone's going to believe I'm 34 if it kills me.
I thought we agreed on 36.
At home I'd be happy with a 36, maybe even a solid 38.
But that's Regular Jules. Here, I'm Resort Jules.
And Resort Jules is fun and she's crazy,
and she refers to herself in the third person like a professional athlete.
- Resort Jules is hungry. - Yeah.
Ooh! I call the bed by the window!
- How are you already naked? - What?
I was changing and I got sidetracked by bed choice.
Of course it's your bed, now that you have your tramp stink all over it.
Jules, did you hear her? Bitch, I am a lady.
You know what I want for my birthday? For us all to get along.
This weekend we're gonna be like Thelma & Louise and Louise.
You know they die at the end of that movie.
You watch, you're gonna end up being friends.
Playa del Roca is a magical place.
There's a dead lizard in the toilet!
Bye, Ellie.
I named him.
I hate her.
Oh, man, isn't this fun?
I'm eating bacon in a bikini.
Take a picture of me eating bacon in a bikini.
Arch your back and stick out your chest.
And say, "Classy."
Regular Jules would never do this. But Resort Jules says,
"Say hello to Tanya and her slightly smaller twin, Tina."
Did you just give him the "hit that" nod?
- I did. - Jules said no girls in the house.
- She won't find out. - Jules always finds out.
You know, I babysat Travis once when he was 12
and I may or may not have let him watch 91/2 Weeks.
Somehow Jules found out.
And then all of a sudden, her brownies started having pecans in them.
Which is kinda weird 'cause I'm allergic to pecans, and Jules knows that.
It was like, I don't know, she was trying to kill me.
But that's just silly, right? I'm... I'm paranoid, whoo.
Weirdo, right? That's just silly.
This is why we don't hang out more.
OK, tough guy.
Magazine sex quiz.
"Is it OK to have sex in a limo before your prom?"
That's a big no. I get nauseous riding sideways.
Ooh! You guys, check out the hotties.
- Should we invite them over? - No!
That's the reason I got a cabana, to avoid men with barbed wire tattoos.
Those are my people.
Of course they are.
She doesn't realize this is the real fun.
You know, sitting here all by ourselves...
doing nothing.
You wanna invite them over, don't you?
No.
But Resort Jules does. She has bad judgment.
Fine!
Isn't this fun?
No fire here. See ya.
Your mom said no girls. I'm sorry, young lady, you've gotta go.
It's OK. I'll just get my stuff.
Do you know what her stuff is?
It's flavored lip gloss and an oversized T-shirt for when she gets,
and I quote, "Tired and snuggly."
What are you doing to me, dude?
Resort Jules brought all the things that she's afraid to wear at home.
So, farmer's daughter or...
Where is it? Whitesnake video?
I get to pick what we do next.
Trust me, it's not gonna matter what you wear.
- Why? - Oh, no.
Mmm!
There is nothing better than drinking champagne topless in a hot tub.
- Am I right? - Too soon to tell.
Come on, Jules, have a drink. You'll loosen up.
Ellie, pour some champagne into my mouth.
There you go, sweetie.
Come on, Grandma, lose the top. You're making Jules self-conscious.
- Yeah, lose the top. - Pipe down, man-boobs.
Laurie, honey, it's not Ellie that's making me feel self-conscious.
You see the nice gentleman over here...
Jim.
Well, Jim hasn't had his hands above the water since he got in.
And now someone's toes are interlocking with my toes.
I think I'm gonna head back to my room.
Whoopty-whoo. Your boobs are out. Big deal.
Why do you have to ruin everything?
If you had gone along with it, it could've been fun. You know that!
Not all fun things revolve around being topless.
And if we're keeping score,
you ruined the cabana by filling it with Phi Beta herpes.
Right, Moobs?
I hate being around you.
How could you say that? Good!
- Snob. Bitch! - Skank. Whore!
Kiss!
- Bye, Travis. - Bye, Kylie.
Tonight was going to be the night.
Look, sex is supposed to be an emotional connection between two people...
Are you really giving me the "sex should be special" speech?
Tell me, how was it special with the girl who puked in your mailbox?
Or the girl who said she doesn't wear shoes because they feel "too shoes-y"?
"Shoes-y" is a word.
Look, I'm sorry to D-block you, man,
but what's done is... is done.
It's not a big deal.
I wasn't gonna get anywhere with Kylie anyway.
Sure you were, man. She... She seemed pretty into you.
No, it's not that. It's just that...
I don't think I like girls.
Oh. You...
All girls?
- Andy? - Hey, Jules, happy birthday.
- Thanks. - Just wanted to let you know
that Travis is pretending to come out to Grayson to mess with his head.
I remember Halloween when I was 11.
My friend Eric wore this Superman costume
and when I saw those red tights, I was...
I felt this feeling, like... like butterflies,
but... hot butterflies, you know?
I love when Travis does that.
Oh, my God! I gotta call you back.
Where is that mouthy waitress with our change?
Well, she probably thought that extra 40 cents was a tip.
- Frank! - Jules. Why are you here?
Are you trying to ruin my marriage?
It is my birthday. What are you doing here?
Well, I had to take Shanna someplace nice because of yesterday.
You are a touchy subject!
OK, look, a couple of years ago, it was weird.
Shanna got all sweet. OK?
She gets sweet and then she says to me, "Frank, if I was to die,
which one of my friends would you, you know..."
You know.
- And you picked me? - Yes.
- What were you thinking? - That's my mojito.
Now, every time you have sex, Shanna thinks you're seeing my face.
No! I always see her face.
I sometimes see your legs.
Well, you didn't tell her that, did you?
Oh, Frank, you're killing me!
- Shanna's here. - What? No way!
Yes way! It is like I'm some sort of bitch-magnet.
- No offense. - None taken. You OK?
Well, I started to fall apart,
but then Resort Jules borrowed a stranger's inhaler
and picked herself back up! And I still get to have a kick-ass birthday
because Frank and Shanna aren't gonna be around.
Frank's gonna take her into town for dinner
and back to their room and watch a porno.
If I had to hear it, so do you.
So, who's in? Dinner and dancing. Let's hit it!
Actually, you're just having dinner with me.
Yeah, and then after you put Queen Buzzkill to bed,
you and I are going out for some real fun.
Are you serious?
You know what? Screw you both.
- Jules, we just thought that maybe... - No! I don't wanna hear it.
I'm gonna go out on my own, I'll have a great time.
You know, it's my birthday. I'm 34.
Really?
- I'm 34. - Great.
Bitch.
Hey, everyone, it's my birthday!
And even though my friends are jerks, the next round's on me!
- I'll take some potato skins. - There's no potato skins.
You can buy me a drink.
Oh! Trent from Tallahassee.
Wow, you're even cuter out of your uniform.
- I'm gay. - Just go with it, Trent.
Come on, I'm trying to scrape together a fantasy here.
If I can be Resort Jules, then you can be Straight Trent.
- I was Straight Trent for 16 years. - Great. What's another hour?
Hmm?
Oh, my gosh. I ruined Jules's birthday.
- No. I did. - Yeah, you're probably right.
- I don't even know why she likes me. - You're her biggest cheerleader.
You're always pushing her to do new stuff. I just hold her back.
Please. You two have all the shared history.
You gained and lost 10 pounds with her during her divorce.
I would never do that.
I get stretch marks from snoring too hard.
You make it too easy to judge you!
- I'm sorry. - It's OK.
Hey, while we wait for Jules to come back,
do you think it'd be OK if we drank some champagne?
Jules would want that.
Do you think she's having any fun?
You look fab, by the way.
Straight guys don't say "fab," Trent. Get it together, dude.
You know, I feel weird that we're the only ones dancing,
and that we're wearing the same perfume.
- I think I'm gonna call it a night. - All right, that's it. Hold on.
Wow. I know you're just pretending, but maybe later we could...
- Still gay. - OK.
All right. You're cute, though.
I am sorry to throw all this on you.
Oh, it's OK. I'm glad you chose me to come out to,
even though we barely know each other.
I mean, it's just so scary.
Neil Patrick Harris has paved some new ground, but...
- I don't know. - Travis, it's gonna be all right.
Has anybody ever told you how soothing your voice is?
Not today, no.
- Frank! - Jules.
You're supposed to be in your room watching porn!
- We already did. - That makes this even more gross.
- Are you naked? - A little.
Shanna!
The craziest story...
I bet, I bet. Do you have any self-respect?
Are you talking to him or me?
I'm gonna go.
- Good night, Frank. - Yeah, don't talk to him.
You're pathetic.
Wow. I don't know what you're getting so angry about, Shanna.
Maybe you're feeling a little trapped in your own life.
Maybe it's Frank's weird new mustache, I don't know.
But you gotta stop picking on me, OK? You're being too mean.
So, you don't think you've done anything wrong?
Nope.
I wonder if everyone back home will agree.
- Nobody likes gossip, Shanna. - Yeah, they do.
You're right. They really do.
- I have to pee. - Hold it.
There's our birthday girl!
You're wet, sit on her bed!
- What's wrong now? - Shanna was so mean to me.
- Mean? - To you?
- Shauna... - It's Shanna.
Nobody cares.
You're messing with our friend and we feel like we need to respond.
Here's the deal:
If you ever say anything about Jules to anyone ever again,
Mongo here is gonna beat the living crap out of ya.
Seriously, I fight all the time.
She will hold your arms and I will beat you
until your Spanx are the only thing holding your torso together.
- Have the best evening. - Really enjoy it.
Good times with you, Shauna.
- What? - Your mustache is stupid.
- I want a divorce. - No.
I mean, the thing is, sometimes when Kylie wears her jazz dance outfit,
she looks really pretty to me, but then it's...
Oh, God. I don't know, what the hell, am I some kind of freak?
No. Look, you're not a freak. OK, sexuality is confusing.
If it makes you feel better...
One time, at my cousin Ben's lake house,
we were talking about kissing girls.
We were, I don't know, eight, maybe 12.
Anyway, he had long hair, kind of like a girl.
We practiced kissing... on each other.
One time.
- With your cousin Ben. - Yeah.
Well, that is interesting information.
Hey.
- You ready to go to the movie? - Yeah, let's roll.
I warned you not to mess with me.
If it makes you feel any better,
he got me to march in two pride parades with him.
Oh, boy. Thanks for buying us all matching fat-pants from the gift shop.
- Whoo! - Fatties!
It's the best 800 bucks I ever spent.
You crack me up.
Wait, you just said something nice to her.
Well, when you were gone we talked and...
- Well, we bonded a little. - Really?
Did you know that when we were kids we both had horses?
I did! How did I not use that before?
I mean, all horse-people love each other.
Sometimes it just takes a crappy night
for two people to realize how close they already are.
Buddy.
This is fake.
I told you she wouldn't buy it!
Jules, I tried, but come on, she named her horse Limp Bizkit.
- Because he rocked! - "He rocked."
This is the way it's always going to be with my two best friends?
- Bingo. - Right. That's right.
Well...
Oh, it doesn't matter, we'll always have your back.
We will kick ass and take names.
Thank you.
- You requested turndown service? - Just hand over the chocolates.
- Did you know today's my 34th birthday? - Happy birthday.
This is the best birthday ever!
* Thirty-four, thirty-four, thirty-four...
I think you know why we are here today.
Travis has obtained certain information about you, Grayson,
that you would prefer to keep private.
Now, Travis is willing to keep said info locked up for eternity
for the asking price of $50, American.
How do we know he hasn't already told people?
I've been begging him to tell me all morning, I've got nothing.
Fine.
It's been a pleasure.
Dude, your cousin? How gay is that?
Yo, Trav! Wait up!