♪ Heartbeat
♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?
♪ Heartbeat
♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪
♪ Call out the instigators
♪ Because there's something in the air
♪ We've got to get together sooner or later
♪ Because the revolution's here
♪ And you know it's right
♪ And you know that it's right
♪ We have got to get it together
♪ We have got to get it together now
I'd better get going.
It looks like I'm going to have to call into the office
before I catch my train to London.
What's so urgent?
It's a letter from Claude.
Greengrass?
Aidensfield Police.
Uh, yes Sarge.
Yes, yes, I know it.
Right, Sarge.
Burglary in the village last night.
So, er...
when will you be back?
Well, you tell me.
You know how it is with trials.
Well, in that case, I'll, er...
see you when I see you, then.
I miss you very much.
I'll call you, okay, Mike?
Yeah, thank you.
Thanks.
Oh, it's from Mr. Greengrass.
Oh, aye.
What's he have to say?
Wish you were here.
By looking out that window, I certainly do.
Oh, no, he's selling the house.
He's what?
Well, where are we going to live?
Oh, I go back to my mam's.
I thought he told you you could have this to the end of your natural.
Well, yeah, he did, but now he says that he needs the money
to buy a place of his own over there.
Oh, thanks, Claude.
I hope his lilo bursts in the path of a hungry crocodile.
Hey, now, you shouldn't say things like that.
I mean, what happened if something like that has happened to him?
Well, the crocodile wouldn't shed any tears, would he?
Here, Alfred.
Toy soldiers, Bradley?
Four boxes, Sarge.
What would any self-respecting burglar want with a few boxes of soldiers?
In this case, one who knew what they were worth.
It seems they were collector's items worth at least 300 quid.
I see.
All the signs are that this was our old friend again.
Well, no sign of forced entry?
Nothing. Just like on the other three jobs.
Terrific.
Hey, mate.
What do you think you're doing, digging holes in our front garden
without so much as a by your leave?
I've got a by your leave.
Not from us, you haven't.
I don't need one from you.
I've been instructed to sell this property.
And the reason I'm dibbling this all is to stick this in it.
Oh, well, as long as you know where you can stick it.
Any road, what makes you think anyone in their right mind
is going to pay good money for this dump?
Properties like that are becoming very attractive.
In fact, we already have at least two potential purchasers wanting to visit.
Perhaps three.
Insanity's that widespread in these parts, isn't it?
So I trust when they arrive you won't mind showing them round?
Oh, we'll be very happy to, won't we, Mr. Vernon?
Ecstatic.
My name's Foy, by the way.
Ned Foy.
Still no sign of this blasted fog lifting, then?
I'm afraid not.
As long as it doesn't decimate our game, that's all.
I shouldn't worry about that, Your Lordship.
After all, it's not every day we get a chance to play chess
against a future world champion.
This is the great man, then, is it?
Hardly more than a boy, actually.
Oh, well, I suppose genius makes its own rules about that sort of thing.
I just hope that this particular genius
doesn't find himself stuck in the fog
halfway between here and London tomorrow.
Quite so.
Anyway, Sergeant, let me show you why I've asked you to call around.
In here is the exhibition we're running alongside the main event.
Each of these sets is a genuine collector's item,
so they're worth a bob or two.
In fact, in some cases, more than a bob or two.
I'm sure.
So a police presence during the tournament
would be greatly appreciated.
And will be provided, my Lord.
Thank you. That's good.
Ashfordly.
Miss Young.
And as bad up here, I'm afraid.
But we will still be seeing young Leonid tomorrow, I hope.
I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear you say that.
Excellent.
Well, we'll see you both tomorrow, then.
And a safe journey.
Vorodin's English press agent who assures me that,
come hell or high water,
he's determined to be with us tomorrow.
That's the spirit, eh, my Lord?
What a way to spend an evening.
Sitting here, freezing to death, babysitting a load of chest sets.
Is this really why you join the police force, Alf?
Well, it could be worse.
How?
Well, could be outside, freezing to death.
You don't think we should have a bit of a walk round, then?
Well, I'd just got warm.
I used to enjoy a game of chess myself when I was a lad.
Ah, well.
You reckon the game goes back in the mist of history, don't you?
Very comical, I'm sure.
No, the only indoor game I was any good at,
was spin the bottle.
I bet you're rushed at that as well.
Not always.
What's that?
I don't know.
You'd better go and have a look.
Don't you think we should both go?
Do you think it's real?
Yes, sir. Lord Ashfordly has spoken to me.
No, I can't imagine how it could have happened,
not with my men right there on the spot.
Although it was very foggy there last night.
No excuse at all. No, sir.
Right, sir.
Goodbye, sir.
You two, my office, now.
Oh, hello.
Yes, I'd like to speak to Mrs. Bradley, please.
She's not?
Oh, um, well, could I leave a message, please?
Oh, it does seem a bit rough on you, though, Vernon.
Claude go and sell the place on you like that after he promised David.
Well, if you lie down with dogs, you get fleas, don't you?
Which I'm sure is something you've discovered already
living in Greengrass's place.
Uh, not to mention bedbugs and other sundry livestock, I expect.
So what will you do then, Vernon?
Oh, don't worry, Gina. I have my plans.
Oh? What sort of plans are they, then?
Well, one of the secrets of my success as a businessman
has always been the Scripps family ability
to turn adversity into opportunity.
Oh, yeah. And what sort of business have you been so successful in, then?
Gina, you are looking at a man
who has had successful fingers in many a dozen pies over the years.
Hmm. I can believe that.
Oh, Gina, I'm off.
Anybody want me? I'm with Lord Ashfordly.
Any dry yet, Bradley?
Well, it's almost certainly the burglar
who's carried out several other similar raids in the area.
How would you know that?
No sign of a forced break-in.
It's almost as if he's just walked in,
helped himself, and then walked back out again.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
This place was locked tighter than a drum last night.
As were all the other premises he's broken into, my lord.
- Oh, well. Thank you, Bradley. - My lord.
My dear Vorodin, you made it.
Congratulations.
Charles Ashfordly.
If I say I'd come, my lord, I'd come.
I'm Anna Young, handling publicity.
Miss Young.
This is Mr. Sychen and Mr. Zaikov from the Russian Embassy.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
And you, Mr. Sychen.
And you, Mr. Zaikov.
Right. Well, come on in. Come.
Just up here.
Now, Leonid, we put you in this room here.
And Miss Young, we put you in here.
Thank you.
Gentlemen, if you'll come with me, please.
- Okay? - So far, it's so good.
See you later.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Mr. Foy.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that'll be all right.
Oh, Mr. Vernon, he's not here at the moment.
Well, I can show him around if you like.
Oh, right, yeah.
Right.
So it's Mr. and Mrs. Tomlinson at half past three.
Oh, no.
No, I've just uh...
Right.
Right, that's it.
- ♪ You never talk straight to me - Hello?
♪ It's all puzzles to me
♪ If there's sense in what you talk about
♪ I can never see.
♪ If you don't want me to spend your life with you
♪ Go and find someone new
♪ Cause I know there's so many better girls than you
♪ Puzzles hanging on my mind now
♪ Puzzles, puzzles ...
I've been in this situation once before,
and let me tell you, it is quite easy.
It's four moves, and he will,
he will four moves, and he will make it.
It's only 40 moves.
What are you two doing here?
You were on last night.
We were.
Mrs. Ventress is hardly speaking to me.
It's not all bad news, then.
Just keep an eye on me.
If you seen me drop off,
just prop me up against the nearest wall.
Ah, ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, I think we're about ready to begin.
As you know, we are honoured indeed today to have with us Leonid Vorodin,
fresh from his recent triumph in London.
So if we could start by giving him a warm Yorkshire welcome.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, as you know,
the highlight of today's tournament is when nine of you take on
young Leonid here simultaneously.
So those of you who've been unwise enough to have accepted this challenge
if you care to take your places, we'll commence.
Oscar, I didn't know you played chess.
Oh, aye. In my younger days, I was known as a tiger at the chess board.
- A tiger, eh? - Aye, burning bright.
Good luck. You'll need it.
Hello, Arthur.
How's the painting and decorating business going?
It's all right, Mr. Bradley.
Look, um, Jackie was very pleased with the work you did on our bedroom.
I'm not half as pleased as I was with the one he did on my garden room.
Oh, thank you, my lord. That's very kind of you.
Are you sure we can't induce you to have a go down with Mr. Vorodin?
Not me, my lord.
Our Alan here, he's the one with the brains in our family.
I can't think what he's doing, wasting his time working for me.
He should be down in Cambridge,
studying to be a, well, a rocket scientist or something.
Uh, Bradley.
Er, no further news about my missing chess set, I suppose?
I'm afraid not, my lord.
Hmm. Well, thank heavens he missed the Indian one.
That really is valuable.
- Oscar Blaketon. - Hello.
Checkmate. Thank you.
There's a name for that.
- Oh aye. - It's called Fool's Mate.
Very funny.
And it's standing in a much sought-after spot.
Hello, Mr. Vernon.
This is Mr. and Mrs. Tomlinson.
And they've come to view the house.
- How do? - Hello.
Oh, right.
I've just been telling how it's, like, full of history and that.
Oh, it's certainly that.
And having an elevator.
Eh?
I think what my friend is trying to say,
it's in an elevated position
with commanding views of the surrounding countryside.
Well, thanks very much.
I think we've seen all we need to, really.
Oh, right.
Well, David, why don't you get a brew going?
And I'll show Mr. and Mrs. Tomlinson off the premises.
Oh, right.
Now, do be careful backing up.
Only we lost an entire horse and cart on all hands
only three months ago back there.
Really?
Oh, yes. It's the pits, you see.
The pits?
Oh, yes. It's like a rabbit warren up there.
Not that the coal board would admit to it, of course.
I see.
Get in the car.
I think we call that a draw, don't you?
???
[Russian]
You understand what I just said?
I think so.
What did he say?
You said that I had a real talent, Dad,
and one day I could be a champion myself.
Well, there's, uh, definitely nobody hiding under there.
Still showing no signs of lifting.
I just hope it doesn't interfere with our plans, that's all.
Don't worry about it.
The minute we get to Edinburgh, we can make our move.
And there's not a thing they can do about it.
Yeah, I hope you're right.
Come on.
And you're quite sure this is part of the set
that was stolen the other night?
Positive.
So where did you find it?
Right here, in the middle of my desk, when I came in this morning.
Along with this.
And what does this note say, exactly?
Well, basically, it was a ransom note.
He wants 300 quid for the safe return of the chess set.
Well, what if Lord Ashfordly's not prepared to cough up?
Well, bye-bye chess set, I suppose.
Whoever left that piece on his desk must have been at the tournament yesterday.
Yes, well, so was half the population of Aidensfield.
What does his lordship think?
Well, he's prepared to cough up, Sarge.
And exactly when is this exchange to be made?
Well, according to the note,
he'll be ringing Lord Ashfordly sometime this afternoon.
Right.
I want immediate arrangements
for all incoming calls to Ashfordly Hall to be recorded.
See to it, will you, Bradley?
Right, Sarge.
Hello?
We're the Browns. Here to view the property.
Oh, right, yeah.
Come in.
???
Morning.
Hello.
Right, so this is the kitchen.
Which, as you can see, also doubles as the living room.
Not exactly straight out of the pages of Ideal Home,
but we like it, don't we, David?
Oh, yes.
And as for the problem with the sink over here,
I'm sure that can be fixed.
Problem with the sink?
It tends to back up from the septic tank.
Only when it rains, usually.
Let me show you round the upper level.
Don't worry about the creaks.
We have it on good authority that the dry rot is, in fact, treatable.
Now, this is the master bedroom.
Yeah, it is a bit stuffy in here.
I'll open the window, shall I?
What's that dreadful smell?
I think it's what they call the ripe smell of the country, Mrs. Brown.
But where is it coming from?
Charlie Dibner's piggies.
Just over the hill there.
Piggeries?
Yes, but of course you can't see them with all this fog around.
And of course it doesn't smell all the time,
only when the wind's in the right direction.
Now, is there anything else I can show you,
or would you rather wander round yourselves?
I think we've seen quite enough.
♪ It's so nice to come home
♪ When there's someone waiting there for me
♪ Someone that you love
♪ When you've had your day
Oh, do you think we impressed them?
I think we made a very deep impression of ourselves, David.
♪ I like the way you show me that you can
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
I wonder who left that there.
Get it shifted, will you, David?
♪ Smile at me
♪ And softly speak my name
[Russian]
What's happening, please?
I was just explaining that we can't get to Edinburgh in this.
Therefore, we have gratefully accepted Lord Ashfordly's invitation
to stay on for a further night.
But you'll miss your plane.
All planes from Edinburgh are grounded.
I understand your eagerness to get home, Leonid.
But what matters most is getting you back there safely.
After all, you have become something of a national treasure.
Hello?
Speaking.
I know it, yes.
Very well.
Right. Thank you, my lord.
Your Lordship will presumably be available to make the drop as requested.
You can leave the rest of it to us.
I'll show you the main bedroom.
Although between you and me,
we tend to refer to it these days as the haunted bedroom.
The haunted bedroom?
On account there've been some very funny things happening here lately.
What sort of funny things?
Creakings in the night, you know.
It's as if somebody was creeping around the bed towards you.
Only when you pull the light on, there's nobody there.
Well, nobody you can see.
Really?
Of course, I haven't experienced the phenomena myself.
But David downstairs, he reckons he's seen the ghost many times.
Oh.
Yes, great big hairy thing it is.
Comes shambling through from that wall and goes out here.
Of course, David won't sleep in this room now.
And the dog won't come near.
Whose ghost do you think it might be?
A former owner of the property.
Whose deathbed wish was to be buried here.
Well, out there, in the back garden.
And was he?
Oh, no. No.
Which is probably why he lies uneasy in his grave.
Probably why he keeps coming back here.
Mr. Vernon, can I ask you something?
Feel free, David.
Feel free.
What's going on?
What do you mean?
Well, don't you think it's going to be putting folk off?
All this talk of, like, dry rot and ghosts and septic tanks.
David, why do you think people like that
want to buy places like this as second homes?
Because back home in the city, they've got all the mod cons.
So out here, they want something completely different.
They want to feel they're really here,
in the heart of primitive Yorkshire.
Oh, I've never really thought about it like that.
Oh, well, that's what separates us
successful entrepreneurs from the rest of the herd.
That lateral thinking.
I'll tell you something.
It wouldn't surprise me if those three couples are not, at this very moment,
down at the estate agents,
scratching each other's eyes out to get their hands on this place.
Oh, right.
Local tramp, Sarge.
Nostravia.
So what did the second note say?
That the price has gone up to £1,000 for the safe return of both sets, Sarge.
Cheeky devil.
How could he possibly know we'd been alerted.
Well, he might have spotted us lying in wait, Sarge,
but I'd have said it was more likely that
he'd anticipated a man such as Lord Ashfordly
would automatically call the police and laid his plans accordingly.
But it does confirm that not only was the burglar at the tournament that day,
but very close to us when Lord Ashfordly mentioned the very valuable set.
That's probably what prompted him to go back for it, Sarge.
Well, it doesn't bring the odds down that much, Bradley.
From what you say, the place was pretty crowded.
So how's his Lordship taking the latest developments?
Well, I wouldn't say we were exactly at the top
of his personal hit parade, Sarge.
Craddock.
Morning, sir. Thank you, Bradley.
Well, we didn't actually have the house under surveillance at the time.
Because all my available men were engaged in other duties.
No, sir.
Yes, sir.
Right, sir.
Goodbye, sir.
Ah, Miss Young.
The very person.
Oh, yes?
As you can see, the fog has cleared at last.
And we can be on our way.
You can make your own way back to London, presumably.
There'll be quite a lot still to do up in Edinburgh, Mr. Sychen.
In view of the delay, when we get to Edinburgh,
we shall have to cancel our remaining engagements
and return immediately to Moscow.
Therefore, we shall no longer be requiring your services.
Right.
So, Leonid, we depart after lunch.
All right.
No cause for alarm.
You go with them to Edinburgh.
Everything's in place.
So I'll just have to let my friends know
that I won't be with you, that's all.
Okay?
Six different properties.
And in each case, he just walks in
without forcing either a window or a door.
I mean, it's almost as if he has the keys.
Hmm.
Maybe he has.
Well, how could he, Oscar?
All the houses that have been done are all completely unrelated.
Hmm.
I still go along with Sherlock Holmes.
How do you mean?
When you've ruled out every other possibility,
whatever you're left with, however improbable,
has to be the truth of it.
Think on.
Yeah.
- Hello, Mr. Foy. - Is your friend in?
Yeah, he's inside. Why?
Can I have a word?
You can have as many as you like.
What's going on?
I'm sorry?
The ??? is suddenly rife with rumours that this place
is practically falling down.
Well, I wonder where they got that impression from.
I can make an intelligent guess.
Now, look, Mr. Foy.
I am not bound by the estate agent's code
which entitles me to lie through me teeth about a property, you know.
How dare you?
I've never lied about a property in me life.
And what's all this rubbish about the place being haunted by a ghost?
Who told you that?
The same people you told.
Oh, stop getting your knickers in a twist.
I've got a buyer for you.
You have?
Well, if the price is right.
And taking account of the fact that half of Aidensfield
is already convinced that this place is suffering
from everything from rising damp to dry rot.
Not to mention mildew,
mining subsidence,
and a resident ghost.
- Hello? - Hello.
Can I speak to Leonid Vorodin, please?
It's a friend.
Hold the line, please.
Hello?
Yes?
Anything important?
Just a fan sending me his good wishes.
All right. Well, um, thanks very much for your help.
Just a minute. That's him, indeed, our burglar.
That certainly sounds like him.
You don't speak Russian, do you?
- No. You? - Afraid not.
But I do know somebody who does.
Do you know who it was?
Well, he was obviously English.
- I think we should go, now. - Yes.
I'll get my things together and organize a car.
So, what were they talking about?
Well, basically this bloke's warning Leonid about the ??? with telling him
that they're on to him and that they're taking him home by sea.
Right. Thanks, Alan.
Who is this bloke?
Well, you tell me.
First things first, eh.
Mr. Vorodin, could we have a word, please?
There isn't time. We have a plane to catch.
Are you sure it is a plane, sir, not a trawler?
This way, please, Mr. Vorodin.
So, Mr. Vorodin, our information is that
you're being forced to leave the country against your will.
Also, that you might be wishing to seek political asylum here.
Yes, I want to stay here in England.
We had arranged to give my countrymen to sleep in Edinburgh,
but it seems they have learned of our plans.
Don't worry, Mr. Vorodin.
I don't think there's any need to go that far afield to gain your freedom.
Not here in Britain, anyway.
I presume we have you to thank for this, Miss Young?
I was glad to help him. I've got nothing to say to you.
Then, if you'd kindly oblige us by screaming a little, Miss Young.
Just a little.
So that you can lure Leonid out here. Sorry.
So am I, Miss Young. So am I.
Ah! No!
Anna!
Get off!
Anna! Anna!
Would this be what you're looking for, sir?
I believe it's known in the trade as discovered check.
So, Mr. Vorodin, would I be right in assuming
you still wish to apply for political asylum here?
Yes.
In that case, I will ask you to accompany one of my officers to the station,
where we'll contact the authorities and set the ball rolling.
Thank you.
This is an outrage.
So is kidnapping, Mr. Sychen, in this country.
I strongly advise you to get onto your embassy as soon as possible,
so they can start arranging some sort of legal representation for you.
It goes without saying.
We shall, of course, be claiming full diplomatic immunity.
Oh, I'm sure you will, sir.
In the meantime,
you are required to accompany my officers down to the station,
and you will, of course, remain in custody
until I am advised to the contrary.
You will be sorry for this.
Quite possibly, sir.
But not half as sorry as I would have been
if you and your bully boy here had been allowed to get away with it.
- Oh, hello. - Hello, Alan.
Look, I just wanted to thank you for all your help yesterday.
That's all right.
Not to mention, of course, the tip-off.
Tip-off?
Well, yeah, I'd be interested to hear how you found out what they were up to.
Who?
Well, the Russians, of course.
It was you who made the phone call.
And the one the day before to Lord Ashfordly
demanding money for the return of the chess set.
What?
Don't look at me, Dad. I don't know what he's on about.
I think you'd better explain yourself, Constable.
In recent months, we've had a number of burglaries locally.
In each case, the thief has just walked in there
as if he'd got keys to the premises.
Go on.
Well, I've got a list here of all the houses that have been done in that way
over the past six months.
So what are you suggesting?
Ring any bells, do they?
Yeah, but I've never stolen anything from any of them.
I'm not suggesting you had, Arthur.
After all, it was at least six months after you'd finished
that each of the premises had been burgled.
Why on earth come on to us about it?
Because presumably, while you were working at those premises,
somebody found the key, copied it,
and then waited a couple of months before using it.
A very clever idea, wouldn't you say, Arthur?
Right, Alan?
Brilliant, I'd say.
But that doesn't mean that had anything to do with us.
There is just one other thing.
We have reason to believe that the burglar is a fan of Leonid Vorodin's,
and that he was at the tournament that day,
and that he speaks Russian.
You still can't prove that it were me.
I think I might just be able to,
if I'm allowed to search these premises,
starting with your bedroom.
No.
Well, I could always get a search warrant.
What's the problem, Alan, if you've nothing to hide?
It's this way, Constable.
Don't bother.
It's all up there.
Look, I just want to say,
my dad had nothing to do with any of this, all right?
Why, Alan?
I've never let you go short of anything.
It was just a game, Dad.
Half the stuff I don't even want.
It's just a game, that's all.
Until you got too greedy.
Or was it just overconfident?
So, are they all still over there, Mike?
Yeah, along with the Russian ambassador,
special branch, and heaven knows who else.
Well, I hate to think of some chinless wonder from the Foreign Office
can suddenly decide to send that lad back, not after all this.
With half the national press on to the story, I hardly think so.
There, here they are.
- Hello. - Hey.
We wanted to say goodbye and thank you for what you did.
Oh, no, the pleasure's all mine.
So, what's happening, then?
We'll have to go back to London,
sort out the asylum details, but that shouldn't take long.
We'd better go.
Well, thanks again.
- Thank you. - Good luck, Leonid.
- Good luck. - Good luck.
Good luck to you.
Hey, steady, steady, steady.
Oh, three.
Ta-ra.
You know, there's just one thing I don't quite understand.
What's that, Oscar?
Why young Alan would tip you off like that?
Oh, there's no great mystery there, Oscar.
Simple case of hero worship.
Hero worship?
Hmm, yeah, he didn't want to stand around doing nothing, I suppose.
He was a fan.
So, what shall we drink to, then?
Rusted the iron curtain?
No.
What about Sherlock Holmes?
Ah, we couldn't have done it without him.
Nostrovia!
Nos what?
Hey, Mr. Vernon, what are you doing?
Look, Mr. Foy is not going to like that.
Mr. Foy can lump it.
And besides, David, it's surplus to requirements.
Why, is Mr. Greengrass not selling the place after all?
I mean, Mr. Greengrass has already sold.
Oh, right, who to?
You're looking at him.
What, you?
And I got it at a bargain price.
Do you know, it's funny how everybody suddenly lost interest in the place.
How are you going to pay for it?
I thought you said you were skint.
Oh, no problem there, David.
I've got a mortgage on it.
The problem is how I'm going to break the news to Bernard.
What?
That I've put up his business as collateral.
Oh, well, as my old mum used to say when she was rifling the gas meter,
sufficient unto the day is evil thereof.
Huh, whatever that means.