He's anxious already. If you go in, he'll feel pressured.
And then it'll be a crisis. And this isn't a crisis?
Maybe Alison's right. Ben, it's all right.
Just trying to help. And on your side, by the way.
Is it OK with you if me and a new friend live here?
That's OK with me.
Can we all raise a glass to Ralph and Katie?
ALL: To Ralph and Katie!
This is for the weekend. I've just booked it. Thank you!
Are you coming to bed? Yeah, I'll be up in a minute.
Yeah. Sure.
In a minute. Ben?
♪ I said, Who's that girl there?
♪ I wonder what went wrong So that she had to roam the streets
♪ She don't do major credit cards I doubt she does receipts
♪ It's all not quite legitimate
♪ And what a scummy man
♪ Just give him half a chance I bet he'll rob you if he can
♪ Can see it in his eyes, yeah, that he's got a driving ban
♪ Amongst some other offences
♪ And I've seen him with girls of the night
♪ And he told Roxanne to put on her red light
♪ They're all infected But he'll be all right
♪ Cos he's a scumbag, don't you know?
♪ I said he's a scumbag, don't you know... ♪
You still feeling all right? Not too jiggered yet?
I'm fine, Grandad. And for the record, I would crawl home
on my hands and knees before I got in that thing. Right you are.
♪ Although you're trying not to listen... ♪
Right. It won't be me picking you up after school.
Remember? You go to your dad's tonight.
It's not going to be you. That's right.
Handshake or hug?
Oh! This is a surprise. Oh, yeah.
Good morning, Joe.
We've got your special guest coming in today, haven't we?
Yes, thank you.
I thought you weren't due till tomorrow.
I finished the job early.
As much as I enjoy the cultural offerings of Derby,
I just thought it... Oh, I'm so sorry. Just give me one sec.
Clare! You got a minute?
Your grandma was very tetchy at this stage as well.
I'm not tetchy. I just don't want a ride in a wheelbarrow.
You might have no choice in the matter.
Your grandma fainted a lot in her final trimester -
especially with Eddie.
Of course she did.
I'm not kidding you.
I pushed both of ours around in one of these.
That explains so much.
Blokes didn't push prams round here in the '80s
and my two were monsters.
You can't say that about your own babies.
I think you'll find you're the only one who CAN say that
about your own babies.
Ah, it'll be lovely to have a baby to push around in this barrow again.
Well, there's a sentence to melt the heart.
Shit!
I've got to go.
I'm sorry! I've got to go.
Kitchen stuff is in the box marked "Kitchen stuff"
apart from that new set of pans I bought you.
Pillows don't need to go in boxes, they only take up room.
Unbelievable! What time do you call this?
We told Katie we'd be there at 10.30!
I'm here now, aren't I?
Why is there a wheelbarrow outside? Where's the van?
What van? I thought we'd do it in the barrow.
He's not got a lot of stuff.
You can't be serious!
It'll be a couple of trips or something.
HORN HONKS Oh, that'll be Paul - with the van.
You bastard! HE LAUGHS
Now, will you calm down?
I was calm till you got here!
KNOCKING ON DOOR
Morning, guys.
Morning, Ralph.
Big day. Big day! PAUL LAUGHS
Right, I'll come up there and you can show me what to load up first.
I hope you've soft-wrapped your breakables
if that doesn't sound too dodgy.
Everything's under control.
I know it's a big day for you - huge, probably the biggest day
of your life since you actually had Ralph. Bigger.
I'm just trying to help you stay calm and keep it in perspective.
Thanks.
Bloody hell, Ralph. How many seasons do you go back...?
Here you go. I'll roll that up for you.
I've packed your DVDs in with your CDs downstairs.
Thanks.
And your books too.
I hope you're going to have enough storage space in your bedroom,
once Katie's things are in there too.
Leave Cantona up.
No problem, boss.
I'll do these downstairs. Get out your way.
Is that the one the tunnel's behind? HE CHUCKLES
No?
You OK?
His United posters - I'm not sure where he's going to put them.
Oh, tell me he's left us Eric Cantona?
Yeah. That's the one he's hiding the tunnel behind.
Shawshank Redemption?
Anyone?
Sorry!
Sorry. It's the Summer Fair Raffle Prizes. It's the bane of my life.
Thanks for waiting.
Aren't you going to be late for work?
I'm not going to work today.
I'm giving myself the day off.
We need to find somewhere quiet and talk.
I mean, I... I need to talk and it can't wait.
Van's loaded.
Your mum's saying that we better get going.
We're not taking all this lot, are we?
We're going to need more bubble wrap if we are.
No. Just checking it's OK.
Yeah, it's a great set up you've got here.
Great place to escape.
Not that married life's going to turn you to drink or anything.
No. It's good marriage.
Yeah, yeah, it is.
It can be.
Listen, if you need anything, any help - you and Katie -
any advice, you can always come to me.
You're part of the family.
You're divorced.
Yeah, no, yeah.
And Eddie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no... He's... He's divorced too.
And so is my mum.
True. True.
On the plus side, it's a testament to your optimism
that you got married with absolutely no positive role models
in your life, whatsoever.
I just need you to drive the van.
Understood.
OK, I think that's about right.
Do you want to sit with your visitor, at the front,
or with the rest of the class like this?
Let me see now.
Transmission. Let's think about the chair.
Here...
..or there?
OK. That's good.
Then she won't be nervous because she'll know that you are with her.
Exactly.
And you won't be nervous, will you?
I won't be nervous.
Who's your visitor, Joe? Is it Aslan?
Joy Division. 1979.
Oh, hello!
I just wanted to hear it again.
I've never had my own front door before!
I'm your first visitor? Yes! Come on in.
So I'm not your first visitor?
I'm not even your first pregnant visitor.
Jean doesn't count. She's my social worker.
Oh, wow! Fantastic!
Thank you!
First year of university, I lived off toasties.
There's no food on Earth that can't be made better
by putting it in toast.
I'd hug you but you're massive.
LAUGHS: Don't even try.
So are you ready for married life?
Am I, Jean? You are now you've got that.
You and Ralph are, like...
Well, you're what I want.
Not with your baby's dad?
No.
Where is he? Australia.
Did you send him there? No. He's there as part of his course.
He'll be involved in the baby's life. He just won't be my partner.
He won't be my "Ralph".
Books in here?
Right, get some pictures on this wall
and then I'll talk you and Ralph through the fuse box!
This is bedding, Katie, so you might want to take it upstairs yourself.
I'll do that. LOUISE CLEARS THROAT
Then again, good idea for you to do it, Katie.
Here's to interfering families.
I'll see you later.
I love your new place.
Bye, Ralph!
Right, I'll get the kettle on.
I'll do it. I'll help.
JEAN: Bye, Rebecca! Bye, Jean!
Then the lads can have a go at tuning the telly, eh, Ralph?
RALPH: If you like.
All important things need a safe place.
Utility bills, list of phone numbers,
and, most important of all, keys.
Katie and me have labelled them up.
Best test them to make sure they work.
I'll take these upstairs.
There you are, my darling.
One each.
Thank you, my darling.
Romance is one thing,
but making sure the keys open the doors is another.
We will test them.
When you've gone.
Of course.
Of course. Maurice!
I've got the pictures to hang yet.
I think Ralph and Katie have got a million things to do
and we're getting in the way.
Oh, right! Yes. I see.
These are emergency keys, for emergencies.
Understood. Good luck.
Good luck, love.
Big day. Big day!
Remember, Ralph - play the game, not the occasion.
Matt Busby said that.
You, young man, have done it.
Like you said you would -
lovely missus, your own place,
independent.
This is the proudest day of my life.
And it should be yours too.
And... Come on, Maurice.
Can we please leave this lovely couple to it?
We'll be invited for tea soon enough.
Well, we could arrange it now. No, we couldn't. No.
What's this about? Have you taken another job away?
No. No, it's a good job.
I just thought I'd rather be here, seeing you, and, erm,
I thought it might have been nice if you had said, "Don't go."
I wouldn't ask you not to take a job for my sake...
Well, maybe if you had at least said, "Do you have to go?"
I actually thought after the weekend away
that you might be glad to see the back of me for a while.
That's not how couples work, is it?
In my experience, it kind of is, yeah.
So you think that we are a couple, then?
What is this?
While I was away, I was thinking about how we get on.
I reckon the truth is the thing that you like most about me is...
Is how I get on with Joe and how he gets on with me.
Is that a bad thing?
Yes, because every time I see you, my heart beats faster.
Is that love, do you think, or cholesterol?
Maybe I need to just feel that there's something more.
We're OK, aren't we?
No, I-I don't think we are.
We need to sort it.
Or else...
..we should end it.
Yeah.
If that's how you feel, we should end it.
I'll put the kettle on.
SHE SOBS
Maurice?
Which one of these two do you think's at the bottom?
I think it might be... KNOCKING ON DOOR
Oh! I think your visitor has arrived, Joe.
Do you want to let her in, Joe?
You came.
I said I would, didn't I?
Hey, Rebecca. Come in. We're just about to start circle time.
Let's start tidying all these things up...
To be honest, I thought you'd have put up more of a fight. Otherwise...
..I wouldn't have ordered.
I was kind of hoping you would be more long-term in your thinking,
what with being a gardener.
Nothing grows overnight.
Except cress. Cress grows overnight.
But we've only known each other a few months.
I've just come out of a 20-year marriage.
You've been divorced for eight years.
You know, you're ready for something more involved, more complicated...
Yes, if you like, complicated, overwhelming, life-changing even.
I want you to want me like I want you.
And...you don't.
That's not true.
And I don't think you ever will.
I had a child at 18 and then another child.
They needed me, so what I wanted for me,
that's never really been a question.
Maybe I just need a bit more time for that to be a question?
PHONE VIBRATES ON TABLE
I'm not looking at it.
I know. But you want to.
And that's fine.
Look, I'm always going to be Joe's mum over and above anything else
in my life... I know. And I'm always going to be Molly's dad.
Yeah, but it's different. It's... It's different for me.
I'm always going to be Joe's mum
so I'm always going to be checking my phone, I'm sorry.
Don't be.
I really like you. I just wish I was further on.
It's been two years since I split up with Paul.
I've only just started feeling anything other than,
"Can I get through this day?"
I'm not ready to feel those things yet, not for anyone.
And I wish I was cos you're lovely.
Not lovely enough... No! You are lovely.
It's bad timing.
If I'd met you when I was just... Things were a bit more sorted.
Look, right now, maybe we could just be mates? Maybe?
Yeah, course.
Cos Joe's got used to you, he really likes you...
We could still be mates.
And I can still see Joe.
Yeah.
Handshake or hug?
HE MOUTHS
Hiya! You kept ringing. You in town? So am I.
Have you eaten?
I'm moving in with Louise!
Right.
I always wondered where you kept the treasure, Maurice.
She's going to be lonely now Ralph has gone.
She needs me there. Makes sense.
She doesn't know you're moving in, does she?
I realise it's what you need.
And I looked at Ralph and Katie and I thought, "You know what?
"That looks all right."
You're moving in? I mean, I spend most of my time here anyway.
I just think I should make it official.
You're moving in. Nothing'll change. Not really.
No, I don't suppose it will.
Darling, I'm home!
You're not going to be doing that, are you?
No, no! Of course not, of course not.
I'll just find somewhere good for this?
KNOCK ON DOOR Coo-ee!
Door was open - house-warming cake.
Ah! Thanks, Sarah. That's nice.
It's the sort of thing that friends do for each other.
It is indeed.
Although not all friends are as good as you.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Are you OK?
I'll, erm, just...
I'll just leave this here, shall I?
And leave you and Mark to get on.
Oh, no, no! Grab a paintbrush.
There's plenty more touching up to be done upstairs...
I can't. ..so to speak. Oh? OK. Sorry.
I've got a slow cooker at home.
Good.
Good for you.
And I-I find when I'm using it, things taste so much better.
Yes. Good. Yeah.
So, I was thinking that if...
If you and me were the ingredients that then, we would...
Taste so much better?
I was just thinking that we should... We should take it slowly -
this...thing, this situation.
We've had two kisses in two months.
I've heard of pandas hooking up quicker.
It went a little bit further than that at the wedding,
for me at least.
I just think we need to slow it down, take stock.
Add stock, if you're going with the whole slow cooker...thing.
Be friends, for a while.
Not lovers. Which we aren't?
No.
Are you saying that we should take it slowly or...
..not take it anywhere?
I'm sorry if I led you on.
You've hardly led me on.
Enjoy the cake.
Erm, it's got an experimental, er, flour substitute in it,
so I'd, erm... I'd welcome feedback.
Tastes all right for sad cake, doesn't it?
It's nice to have friends.
The occupational therapist used to say that a lot at my school.
I'm not sure if Sarah's a friend or...
..something more.
There are friends who are close friends
and...sometimes one special friend,
boyfriend or a girlfriend.
I'm aware of the ground rules, Mark.
Did she hug you goodbye like a friend, or kiss you on the lips,
or touch you intimately like a special friend?
It was just a hug.
Wasn't even a great hug if I'm being honest.
PAUL SIGHS
Change can be good.
The occupational therapist said that too.
Did you ever believe it?
I believed it about trainers.
Not so much haircuts.
What about me and Joe moving in here?
Good change.
Rebecca having a baby?
Good change.
Me promoting you?
Yes.
I'm promoting you, Mark.
At The Fellside. Head Waiter, hey?
It'll mean a pay rise.
Bit more responsibility.
You might have to help some new staff settle in.
But I'll be there, to keep an eye on you.
I think you're ready.
Do you fancy it?
I'll get a girlfriend.
Well, I can't help you with that bit... What will it say?
What? What will what say?
My name badge. Oh!
Your name badge. It'll say... "Mark, Head Waiter"?
Yes. Yeah?
I'll do it. Yay!
After we've cleared the kitchen.
One job at a time, Paul.
Quite right. Don't want to get overexcited. No.
We wouldn't want that.
This is nice, eh?
I should probably get me own mug.
If you like.
Maybe something to go with your shoe box?
So, everybody, today is Joe's turn for Show and Tell.
And he hasn't brought in a pet, oh, no.
What is it? He hasn't brought in a drawing.
What is it? But he has brought in someone very special to him.
This is Joe's sister, Rebecca.
CLASS: Hi, Rebecca!
Yes. And can you tell us why it's so special
that Rebecca is here with us?
The friend.
The friend? What?
Joe's friend is what Joe and I call the baby I'm having.
So, Rebecca has got a baby inside her!
Is that Rebecca baby?
Rebecca's baby is in the tummy.
Yeah, and she's very kindly agreed to come in today
to talk to us about that.
In private. Er, that... That's right.
So, Rebecca will have the baby in private
and then she will show the baby to everybody.
And maybe she'll bring in the baby to meet us.
Wouldn't that be great?
I don't think that would be a good idea.
Why not, Joe? Why not, Joe?
The baby might break stuff.
I agree with that!
Oh, OK, well...
Before we start, I-I might need to...
Yes, of course.
We can start with the joys of bladder control!
SHE GROANS
Daytime drinking?
A sight to bring a tear to any brewery executive's eye.
It's a lime and soda.
Is that what you're calling yourself now, a brewery executive?
Amongst other things.
How come you're up here?
Don't tell Dad, but we're buying up another brewery.
I really have gone to the dark side.
More to the point, what are you doing here?
Yeah, it's just a little place I come to get chucked.
Can you recognise him from that? Yeah, that is Joe!
That is a picture of Joe.
I can see it.
Mm-hm. When he was a baby.
And that is Joe now.
And who do we think...? That's...
Who do you think it is?
It's Heather!
That's right, Tanya. It's Heather, yeah. Yeah, it's me.
It's a picture of me... You're sitting on the sofa.
I'm sitting on the sofa, aren't I? A long, long time ago,
when I was a... You've got a dress and socks.
Yeah, yeah. I've got socks on as well, yeah.
Ah, thank you! That's lovely.
Oh, thank you, Tanya! That's really lovely.
See, that's the way that the world sees you when they look at you now -
they're just not as honest as our kids.
You will bring the baby in to see us, won't you?
INDISTINCT
So, everybody, Rebecca is going to have to go quite soon,
so if you all want to come back and join the circle.
And then any questions that you want to ask, now is probably the time.
That's it, good lad.
Thank you, Joe.
He was good-looking, he was kind.
He was great with Joe.
Even Dad liked him.
Have you got his number?
I'm just not ready. I-I...
..wish I was.
This is where you tell me that I've done the right thing.
You have done the right thing.
Have I?
SIGHS: What would a grown-up do in these circumstances?
What are you asking me for? You've been a grown-up
since you were nine years old. You're the best grown-up I know.
Since Mum died, you're the only grown-up I know.
She would have known what to do.
Maybe, Dad would know... Dad? ..what to do!
THEY LAUGH
Yeah.
Dad would think he knew, Mum would know.
That was the difference.
She'd have just said, "Be honest. With him, with yourself."
She didn't believe in secrets.
Oh, I don't know about that.
What? You knew about the salsa lessons, right?
Mum had salsa lessons?
Yes! Yes.
Did Dad know?
I don't think he did. I think that might have been the point -
a little part of the world that was just for her.
Well, I can believe living with Dad for all those years
would drive a woman to do that. SHE LAUGHS
Ben's right about your phone. You do check it a lot.
It is annoying.
They don't pull their punches, do they?
That Q&A was far more graphic than I thought it was going to be.
We do like our kids to use the proper terms -
no "foo foo" or "diggle" here. THEY LAUGH
It weren't too traumatic, though, were it?
I mean, that was the liveliest Show and Tell
since the Reptile Man came in. Er... I won't ask.
Erm... Oh, just wait there. We've got something for you!
Ah, you really shouldn't have! It's just a small thank you.
Well, we usually do a bottle of wine, but that might be more useful.
Thank you. And thank you for being Joe's teacher.
Oh, well, we do our best, you know.
Bye, Joe.
Bye now.
Who do you think this is for?
Not me. Not you.
My friend.
That's right! It's from the kids in your class.
I liked the kids in your class, Joe.
Do you need your headphones, Joe?
Don't worry. It won't be a long conversation.
It was nice for me to see you there.
Because now, when I think about you at school,
I can picture you in my head.
Is it a good picture or a bad picture?
It's a very good picture, cos you seem happy there.
And you do stuff that's good.
And that's a good feeling.
I think the car wants to go home now.
I think he probably does, yeah.
I've, er, got a pupil in 20 minutes,
so you're going to have to make yourself scarce. No problem!
I could go earlier if you like?
Any time you want me out of the house, just say the word.
No problemo.
Why are you talking like that?
Like what?
I dunno. It doesn't sound like you.
Right.
I'll go and give the lads a hand at the fire station.
DRILL WHIRS
All right, Ralph?
I thought now would be a good time to hang a few pictures.
We've done it.
How do you mean?
Katie's dad's done these.
Oh, right.
All of them? Yeah.
Do you want a cup of tea, Maurice?
Er... No, actually. I've got to get round to Paul's.
I've got a bit to do there,
and then your mum'll be wondering where I am.
Will she?
Hmm. Good job, that.
Your dad's done a good job there, Katie.
I thought you had a pupil. I thought you were at the fire station.
They don't need anything. Right.
RALPH: No!
You're right. They don't need anything.
Do we want any shopping, or shall we go straight home?
Better get used to saying that, eh?
MUSIC: What Is the World Waiting For by The Stone Roses
♪ Any time you want it then it's there
♪ All you gotta do is stop it on the corner and ask
♪ Say, hey, you don't live today
♪ Stop the world
♪ Stop the world, I'm getting off... ♪
MUSIC CUTS OUT Oh!
♪ I'm getting off! ♪ My phone's dead.
Do you know what, Joe? We can't do this without music.
SHE SIGHS
I can't plug it in. Sorry.
Ow!
That was a bit sharp.
I shouldn't have had that fourth biscuit.
Ow!
ENGINE STARTS
Ow!
SHE GROANS
Ow!
Sorry, Joe. Sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you. It just... It really hurts.
It really hurts.
OK.
It's OK.
SHE GROANS
You are free to come and go as you please, Maurice.
I fit the electronic tag tomorrow.
What? You.
Staring out the window.
If you were a dog, you'd have your lead in your mouth.
I might go a quick walk round the block as it happens.
If you don't mind?
Of course I don't mind! You don't have to ask me for permission!
When did you ever ask me for permission? Righty oh.
Do you think I'll need a coat?
OK. Enough is enough! I-I can't stand this, Maurice.
I can't do this any more!
How do you mean? This arrangement! It's not working out, is it?
It's just not us! You must see that!
It's only been three hours, Louise.
Is that all?!
I-I think we both know this isn't working out, don't we?
REBECCA: OK, what I'm going to try and do, Joe, is drive.
The pains have gone away for now, so if they start again,
I'll stop, all right?
Right, OK.
SHE GROANS
OK, we're going to have to stay very calm.
But I think the baby's coming, OK? Do you understand?
The friend?
Yeah. The friend. The friend's coming.
What should we do?
I don't know.
Are you hungry?
Not right now, no.
SHE GROANS
Something happens.
You can say that again!
SHE MOANS
Ow! OK, Joe, Joe.
Just... Just hold my hand, OK?
MUSIC: That's Entertainment by The Jam
Joe? Joe!
Joe!
SHE GROANS Joe!
SHE GROANS
Joe!
Ah! Joe!
♪ A baby wailing and stray dog howling
♪ The screech of brakes and lamp light blinking
♪ That's entertainment That's entertainment
♪ A smash of glass and the rumble of boots
♪ An electric train and a ripped-up phone booth
♪ Paint-splattered walls and the cry of a tomcat... ♪
REBECCA: OK. OK.
SHE GROANS
Don't let this happen.
Don't let this happen. Hold on.
SHE GROANS
Agh!
♪ Waking up at 6am on a cool warm morning
♪ Opening the windows and breathing in petrol
♪ An amateur band rehearsing in a nearby yard
♪ Watching the telly and thinking about your holidays
♪ That's entertainment... ♪
MUSIC ECHOES FROM HEADPHONES
Hiya, love. What are you doing out here?
Are you on your own?
Is your mum around, love?
It's called Manchester.
Or your dad? What about your dad?
The new friend is coming.
So you're with a friend? My sister.
Rebecca. But it's private.
I don't want to see her vagina.
MUSIC: Common People by Pulp
♪ Sing along with the common people
♪ Sing along and it might just get you through
♪ Laugh along with the common people
♪ Laugh along even though they're laughing at you
♪ And the stupid things that you do
♪ Because you think that poor is cool... ♪
Ben didn't order a dessert by any chance?
CELLPHONE VIBRATES
Hello?
Yes.
Where?
Thank you. I'm on my way. I'm on my way.
That was a woman called Sue.
Rebecca has gone into labour in the car.
What car? How is that important?!
I don't know! I'm in shock! I don't know why I said it.
Think about this.
Why did you move in?
Because I thought the time was right.
What you and me have got? It works. We don't have to change it.
But Ralph's moved out. I hate the thought of you being lonely.
You moved in here when you'd rather be at home
cos you think I'm lonely?
Yeah. And I love you for that.
Oh, right. I thought that kind of thing annoyed you.
I love you because you annoy me! Hell, Maurice, some days,
the irritation is the only bit of love I have left for you!
So you want me to annoy you?
Hang on a minute.
What did you just say then?
I said I love you, Maurice.
And you don't have to try to annoy me, believe me.
You are infuriating.
Ah! Louise chucked you out already?
Yes! Because she loves me!
CELLPHONE VIBRATES
Hello?
Whoa, whoa! Calm down!
What?
What?!
Excuse me!
Hello!
Someone should go and see what the problem is.
She's in labour. She's fine.
Alison will come and get us when they've any news.
She's early. You forget I'm emergency-trained.
As a firefighter.
So unless the maternity unit's on fire or there's a baby up a tree,
sit down, eh?
He's back - the hero of the hour.
Thanks, Dad! I meant Joe. I know.
You did get your dad decaf, didn't you?
Take them off, I'll give you this.
What are you doing, Maurice?
Are you going to tell us how you knew what to do?
The seat was wet, in the car.
Serves you right, Dad.
So that's how you knew?
Then, "Ow! Ow! Ow!"
Clever.
It's going to be a hell of a valet job on your upholstery, Tom.
Have you thought about that?
Not till you mentioned it.
Rest assured I'll think of little else now.
Someone must know what's going on.
Shall we call security?
Do they still have a shoot to kill policy?
REBECCA MOANS Well done, love!
You're a brilliant girl. You can do this!
Not long now. Talk to me, Mum.
Did you hear that? Not long now.
Not birth talk. Something else. Anything else.
Ben finished with me today. That's good. Yeah!
That's good. I mean, it's not good for you, but...
He said that I made his heart beat faster every time that he saw me.
Like romantically or from a medical condition?
That's exactly what I said.
Did he laugh? No. No, he asked if it was the same for me.
REBECCA GROANS
Good girl! You're doing really well, you're doing really well.
And was it the same for you? No.
Did you tell him that?
Oh, it was worse than that. I used a gardening metaphor.
THEY LAUGH
She's playing a blinder by all accounts.
She's on the gas and air and she's eight centimetres dilated.
"Fine" would have sufficed, Dad, but thanks.
I've missed you putting me right every five minutes. I know.
Got a lot of catching up to do.
You should take me up to the brewery while you're here,
talk me through the changes. Impress me.
That'd be a first. I mean it!
I'm interested. I've mellowed.
The baby's deadbeat father's not going to make
a last-minute appearance, is he?
"Mellowed". I doubt it. He's in Australia.
Only Australia? No further?
He knows she's in labour.
I'm going to message him with any news. Oh, very hands-on!
It's not like you think, Maurice. I know, I know. It's modern.
It's not like it was in your day.
A bloke gets a girl pregnant and disappears?
It's exactly like it was in my day -
except they only used to get as far as Carlisle.
The choice might be the same, but the reasons are different.
We're going to have to agree to differ.
I'm a feminist.
And it was when my dad said that that I realised I was dreaming.
THEY LAUGH
OK, so, he said that I only had light in my eyes
when I saw him with Joe.
GROANS: He was really nice, though, Mum.
OK, Rebecca, don't push. Don't push. Not yet.
OK, so I told him...
I told him that you and Joe were the most important things in my life
and that trusting him with Joe was the highest compliment
that I could pay.
It's a mistake! It's a mistake.
No, it's not, love. We all feel like that at this stage.
No. I mean, ending with Ben.
He was nice. It's a... It's a mistake.
Not yet, Rebecca.
Don't push. Don't push. Don't push! Nearly there. Nearly there.
MUSIC FROM HEADPHONES: Girls on Film by Duran Duran
She should be fully dilated by now if she's anything like her grandma.
My Sandra had a miraculous undercarriage, looking back.
Dad, please! That's my mother you're talking about.
You were an easy birth. Second births often are because...
I think we're probably pretty up on the reasons why, Dad.
And straight on the breast.
I don't think I'm the first baby in the world to do that.
I'm just saying, you were very easy as a baby.
No bother.
Thanks.
As long as you were full.
Here it comes. And you took some filling to be fair.
THEY LAUGH
And there it is - the insult.
Well, like you say, we've got a lot of catching up to do.
Never change, Dad.
Piss off!
Anything? Anything?
She's had a little girl!
Oh, it's a girl! It's a girl! They're both fine.
Oh, lovely! Lovely!
THEY LAUGH
Maurice!
She's got a little girl of her own.
Your friend has been born.
Rebecca's had a baby girl.
It's good.
I don't think we can all go and see her at once.
I think Joe should see her first, don't you?
Coming?
Paul, if she's got my ears, don't say anything.
Come on then.
BABY MOANS
KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS
THEY LAUGH
Go on, Joe. Go and say hello.
Hello.
This is Joe.
He's my brother.
And he's the best brother anybody could have.
He's your first friend.
He sees things other people can't see.
And he says things other people can't say.
He's got a superpower.
And he knows a lot of songs.
And he's good at walking.
And if he wasn't good at walking, you might not even be here now.
I think you'll like him.
I know you'll like him.
I'm Joe.
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
Come on, Maurice Scott. Get a grip!
It's not like you haven't seen a bloody baby before.
DOOR SHUTS
Are you OK?
Yes. I'm...never better.
It's a girl. She's had a girl.
I know. I got your message. That's why I'm here.
And she's beautiful! She's beautiful.
I went back again to see Ralph and Katie.
I knew you would. They let me in this time.
But they made me take my shoes off at the door.
How were they? Like any other married couple -
except they're happy all the time. HE LAUGHS
She's lovely. She is, isn't she?
You know you can always call me, don't you?
Feeding difficulties, sleep disruption, nappy rash,
croup, sore nipples.
I've had them all.
This is your Uncle Eddie
and he has a warped and predictable sense of humour.
But, seriously, I've been through this very recently.
Call me.
Or Nicola. Thanks, Eddie.
DOOR OPENS Knock-knock!
Hi, Louise. How are you, love?
This is the best one.
What shall I say?
"Meet your daughter"? Yeah. That sounds good.
I'm joking. Send it to me. I'll write something.
Is this the father you're sending it to?
No, I'm sending it to every man I know just to put the wind up them.
THEY LAUGH Yeah. Just the dad. Just Danny.
He wants to be involved. Yep.
There's nothing like having a photo on your phone
to say you're involved. Maurice, shut up or wait outside.
Hiya.
HE CHUCKLES
Do you want to share this coffee?
Oh, no. You're all right.
You'd be doing me a favour, honest. Thanks.
Eugh!
You taking sugar these days?
No. I pressed the wrong button.
I thought you might be reinventing yourself.
As a diabetic?
That suits Sarah. She can nurse you back to sparkling health
by way of manuka honey and lentil crisps.
Lentil crisps are surprisingly moreish.
I'll take your word for that.
They're like a Puritan Quaver.
Although sadly...
..I'll have to be buying my own supply from now on.
Me and Sarah are...
You know. Oh, I didn't know you were.
Well, that's what's so confusing.
I'm not sure we were going out - and now I'm not entirely sure
what it was that's finished.
Ben called it a day today as well.
Look, you don't have to say that
just to make me feel a bit better on this. I'm not.
When did you first realise that you were really bad at life?
We're going to need a lot of spare time for Rebecca's baby, anyway.
Very true. And thank you for not saying the "grandchild" word.
I know. It's terrifying.
Do you think she'll be OK?
I think she'll be fine. She's strong.
I know, but she shouldn't have to be strong, should she, at her age?
We'll be there for her.
Yeah.
Two failures who've just admitted that we don't have a clue
how to do life!
If we don't succeed, we have to fail beautifully.
Is that Samuel Beckett?
Jurgen Klopp.
THEY LAUGH
Baby's head - smells like heaven. Yeah.
What?
Don't go making a fuss.
Will you marry me?
You don't have to propose for the sake of the baby, Maurice.
You do know it's not ours, don't you?
Say yes.
Please say yes, Louise.
BABY BABBLES
What kept you?
Dad wouldn't drive faster than ten miles an hour.
Oh, no change there, then.
Ramesh, nice to see ya!
Turns out Ramesh's uncle was the paramedic
that took Rebecca to hospital. Come on.
I thought he worked in Blackpool.
He moved to Cumbria. He finds it less stressful
and the hen parties got too much for him.
Have you had much experience of hen dos, Ramesh?
You look a bit washed out, Becky,
but I'll give you a digital makeover!
Oh, thanks. I don't mean it. You look gorgeous.
And so does... Tom.
What?
You've got a name, haven't you? No!
Not at all! Right, settle down.
Come on, you can tell me the name. I won't tell anybody.
You'll find out soon enough! Don't worry.
What shutter speed are you using?
Ramesh, if I'm honest, I'll just be glad to get this lot to shut up
and look in the vague direction of the camera.
15 seconds! OK, everyone!
Here we go! THEY CHATTER
OK. Ready?
Say, "Rosie Sandra Hughes"!
What? Rosie Sandra!
Oh, that's lovely!
It's Grandma's name? Yeah. Do you like it? Yeah.
Oh, bloody hell, Dad!
Look, look, look!
CAMERA BEEPS
MUSIC: I Still Do by I Am Kloot
Sub provide by LadyRed
♪ When I was a child
♪ I looked up at the sky
♪ Thought I saw you and I
♪ In the clouds passing by
♪ When I was a boy
♪ I looked out at the sea
♪ Thought I saw you and me
♪ In the waves on the breeze
♪ And I
♪ I still do
♪ When I was a child
♪ I had that look in my eye
♪ I had a will to despise
♪ Make destruction my life
♪ When I was a boy
♪ I looked out at the sea
♪ Thought I saw you and me
♪ In the waves on the breeze
♪ And I
♪ I still do
♪ Still do
♪ And I
♪ I still do
♪ I still do. ♪