From the looks of it, I would say that Hinterstoisser
has just gotten some very good news.
It's good for him, bad for the United States.
What the devil's keeping West?
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.
And to make the presentation,
the president of the United States,
Ulysses S. Grant.
Thank you, baron. Thank you.
Well done.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the President's Cup was initiated
by the honorable James Buchanan in 1857.
By the way, Mr. President,
I'm holding a reception tomorrow at noon,
and it is my fondest hope that you
and the members of your cabinet will honor my country
once more by your attendance.
A reception?
A kind of entertainment.
But I beg you not to ask me for details, sir.
I want it to be...
a complete surprise.
I sent couriers to all the other embassies,
but I wanted to invite you personally.
I wanted to be absolutely certain that you'd attend.
Mr. Gordon. Sir?
I don't know what our schedule is for noon tomorrow,
but as of now, it's cancelled. Yes, sir.
Wonderful.
I think you'll find it, memorable.
You know, baron,
Mr. Gordon here has an extraordinary facility
for picking up errant scraps of information.
Sir. So I have heard.
Indeed.
He picked up a significant piece of information tonight.
Did you?
Well, something that probably has to do
with the entertainment you've planned, that's all.
And what would that be?
Merely that your chief of international security,
Count Hackmar,
arrived in the United States late this afternoon,
is on his way to Washington.
This gentleman keeps you well-informed, Mr. President.
And quite right,
Count Hackmar will be our guest of honor.
Then I can assume
it's something of extreme importance?
You can, sir.
So important that I want everyone here,
including you, Mr. Gordon.
I want you to come.
I also want you to bring your associate.
By the way, where is Mr. West?
Well, Gordon?
Well, sir, last time I saw him,
he was heading for the garden.
What the devil for?
Well, sir, he said something
about wanting to show the big dipper
to the daughter of the Lithuanian ambassador.
I see.
No great tragedy, Mr. President.
It is spring, after all.
Gruber, see if you can rescue Mr. West
from the young lady's clutches.
West is missing. Find him.
I'm sorry, sir. I was detained.
Where was he, major?
With the daughter of the Armenian ambassador.
Could have sworn she was Lithuanian.
Armenian, Lithuanian,
it doesn't matter,
as long as she was, attractive, ja?
You are invited to a reception tomorrow, Mr. West.
I was just about to show your honorable president
something quite special.
It's in here, gentlemen,
the...
essence of tomorrow's
little entertainment.
No. No, no.
You'll just have to wait.
I am sure that you'll enjoy it much more if it,
it comes as a,
complete surprise.
Ja.
So until the reception, gentlemen...
you'll just have to wait.
You're going to drop your hat, Mr. President.
I am? Right now.
I'm sorry, Mr. West. Thank you.
Good night.
I will repeat your orders!
Do not let West and Gordon out of your sight.
And if they start sniffing about,
and they will, I promise you,
stop them
any way
and by any means.
What the devil is that?
It's a series of sequenced photographs.
Like the Kinetoscope shows
they have at the penny arcades, Mr. President.
Those seem to be on a much more highly developed scale.
But what for?
I have a sneaking suspicion we'll find out what for
when we can run that off.
- So now we know. - That's my office.
Yes, sir, but there's one slight mistake.
The portrait of General Washington.
It's facing the wrong way, sir.
By George, even I would think that was me.
Yes, sir. I don't know where they got him,
but he could pass as your twin brother.
Well, enter Mr. Sumi Igo,
foreign minister of a nation very much in the news today.
Look at that.
Actually, I've never even met that man.
No, sir, but on the basis of what we're seeing,
you'd have a difficult time
convincing the rest of the world.
Now, what's that document supposed to be?
It's just an idea, Mr. President.
I'd say the United States
and the unsavory nation of Mr. Sumi Igo
are entering into a secret defense pact.
All of which will cause the indignation and distrust
of the entire civilized world,
much to the glee of Baron Hinterstoisser.
Whose country would then proceed
to make political capital of it all over the world.
The end.
Well, they'd believe it, of course.
I'd even believe it myself,
if I didn't know it wasn't me.
It was a job well done, West,
relieving that embassy of their little peep show.
Thank you, sir.
I'm afraid it's not quite that simple, Mr. President.
If Hinterstoisser opens that box at the reception
and doesn't find this,
who do you think he'll accuse?
Embassies are considered foreign soil, Mr. President.
It's a very serious charge.
Then when they show their duplicate film,
and I'm sure they have several,
we'll look twice as bad, sir.
Well, what in the blue super-heated blazes
are we going to do?
Well, they're expecting a show.
I see no reason to disappoint them,
right, Jim?
But if you do that...
Mr. President, it may not be exactly the same show
the baron's expecting.
Well, the main problem right now
is getting this back into the security chambers
of Baron Hinterstoisser.
We don't have much time, I'm afraid,
so if you'll excuse us, Mr. President.
Wait.
Gentlemen, there's something you should know.
In the past three months,
seven of our personnel have gone into that embassy
for one security errand or another.
Not one of them has returned.
They must be presumed dead.
That ought to lend a certain interest
to the proceedings, sir.
Two, three,
four, five... Artie.
Six, seven... I hate to interrupt you.
Eight, nine,
ten, eleven, twelve,
13, 14,
15, 16...
It's always the same, 16 seconds.
Artie, what history-making demonstration is that?
It's my newest chemical leach.
It has something the other leaches don't have?
Yeah. This is made from a material
with so highly a refined and adhesive compound
that it can support a man's weight
up to 200 pounds for 16 seconds.
Here, let me show you.
See, the material is totally malleable,
yet you slam it against a hard surface and it holds.
That's very impressive. Thank you.
Here's the data from Washington.
Yeah.
"Embassy constructed 1852.
"Architect and builder, Jasper P. Mantis.
"Additional subterranean improvements, 1871.
Architect and builder Elwood R. Quincy."
Quincy.
Isn't that the one that built
the vaults in the treasury building?
Right.
Well, three cheers for the research department.
Have you checked on Quincy?
Quincy's dead.
But he had an office here in Washington.
He must be here. Search every place.
Bring him right over here.
Get him up.
Here you go, Tabby.
Thattaboy.
So you left the four of them in Quincy's office?
Sleeping it off? Yeah, sort of.
There were four security guards from the embassy.
Artie.
When are you gonna get rid of that cat?
Listen, he stowed aboard in Denver.
I'm going to see to it he gets home.
Can I see that photo? Certainly.
These are the boys who did the job, all right.
Look at the date, will you?
This must have been taken the day they finished.
Well, from all the information that we have,
Hinterstoisser had them deported.
Artie, look at this.
Well, there's proof at least part of the information's wrong.
Five will get you ten, he's a stonemason.
Look at the trowel in his belt.
Yeah, that's it.
All you gotta do is find him.
Me? Yeah.
I got a date with a photographer
about a Kinetoscope.
Move, and you die.
You're Dick January.
You don't say. Who the devil are you?
James West. I'm a secret service agent.
Is that supposed to impress me?
I don't care whether it impresses you or not.
I'll settle for some small conversation.
Well, make it real small, secret service agent,
then get out.
You take a good picture, Mr. January.
You're confusing me with another guy
who likes to mind his own business.
I see. They must have done a first-class job on you.
What are you talking about?
Well, they worked you over, didn't they?
Get out.
Why don't you keep a night-light burning?
Maybe they won't come back for you.
Mister, I'll let you in on a little secret.
I've got a very special program. You know what it is?
Why don't you tell me?
It's to stay alive, see.
It's not to get myself killed over something
that don't put a penny in my pocket
or add up to a row of beans in my sweet life.
That's very interesting.
Here's another interesting little item.
Yeah, they worked me over, all right,
came close to killing me.
Mr. Quincy was murdered. I suppose you know that.
Yeah, I figured that.
He was scared all the time, he was at the embassy too.
He must have known it was coming.
Why'd they hire you when the rest were all foreign?
They had a stonemason, one of their own.
He was killed in a fall.
Mr. Quincy came to me and asked me
if I wanted to make some quick money.
When I said, "sure," that's when he warned me.
"Whatever you do," he said,
"keep your eyes to yourself and don't ask any questions."
Can you draw a sketch of the work you did for them?
It wouldn't help you none. By the time I got there,
just about all the work was finished,
except for a big dumbwaiter I worked on in the kitchen.
A dumbwaiter in the kitchen?
Yeah, Artie, from the kitchen to the basement.
They said it was for lowering garbage.
Why would they want to lower garbage down to the basement
when you can carry it right out the back door?
Exactly. We can thank Mr. January
for some very valuable information.
How about it, Artie, you set?
All set, Jim.
What now, major?
Nothing.
As long as they're in there, everything is fine.
Must be some kind of abandoned well.
Who are you?
I am the new night chef, Hans.
You mean you have not been notified?
They never tell me anything around here.
Well, don't stand there like a statue.
Count Hackmar's due at any moment.
Madame, so I have been told.
Rice imperatrice is his favorite dessert.
I can only hope you know how to make it.
Madame, rice imperatrice happens to be
my principle specialty.
As a matter of fact,
I will need some rice, some flour, sugar...
Eggs,
some colored jellies, some heavy cream,
and some kirschwasser.
First the kirschwasser?
You will find it in the wine cellar.
I was hoping that you would bring it to me.
Supervisors do not run errands for night chefs.
Say that again.
Supervisors...
Why should I say that again?
Because when you say "supervisors,"
your nose crinkles up in the most adorable way.
Did you know that?
Really?
Well, I didn't know. I...
And to think I resisted
this job transfer here to America.
Well, I tell you what, Hans.
I will get the kirschwasser,
you start to prepare the eggs, ja?
Wonderful.!
Don't forget the brandy,
Brandy? Rice imperatrice?
No, to toast the beginning of what I know will be
a marvelous friendship.
Hans, you are a devil. I can see that already.
Liebste!
Hans, I was thinking that we might...
Hans?
Liebste, where are you?
Artie, as many times
as you've shown me that diagram,
I still don't understand how you expect it to work.
Let's try it one more time, all right?
All right.
Now, you start by moving to the wall.
Once you get there,
you have these two obstacles right there.
You mean here...
- and here. - Right.
Now we know what happened to the seven men who disappeared.
Yeah.
Lucky for us we didn't make it nine.
Now once those are taken care of,
try the next move, which is right over here.
Artie, I understand all that so far.
It's the next move that I'm not sure about.
Well, the next move is really the most complicated.
You see, you have to be very careful
when you apply the pressure.
See, you have to be careful
with the amount of pressure you use.
Assuming you maintain the pressure correctly,
that still leaves you one more major problem.
Which is?
These swine! I'll kill them.
It should show you everything else
you need to know.
Again, the whole thing depends
on how successful you are at interpreting what...
Blue's for the blades.
Yellow works the wall.
Leaves green and red.
Very impressive.
Did it ever occur to you that red might mean danger?
For instance? For instance,
red for fire, fire for explosion.
What would they want to explode?
People who fool around with their levers.
You're absolutely right, Artie.
Red doesn't mean that. It means security chamber.
Where is everyone out here?
Don't we have anyone to open the door?
Didn't you hear the door?
Count Hackmar.
Welcome to the United States.
Psst.
Artie, why would they put the heating plant
in the middle of the security chamber?
Doesn't make sense, does it?
No.
It's the end of the line for the elevator.
Yeah.
Now all we need is the box.
This will warm your blood.
I don't like journeys, Hinterstoisser.
Your reception had better be worth
3,000 miles of travel.
It will be. I stake my life on it.
To your health, Excellency,
and to the long-awaited expansion
of our sovereign nation.
You should know, Hinterstoisser,
that I have been instructed to tell you
if things turn out as well as anticipated,
you can expect a significant promotion.
That comes straight from the emperor himself.
It's incredible,
absolutely incredible.
I've never seen a safe like this before in my life.
Neither have I.
The whole thing is held locked by this,
tons of pressure.
That explains the boilers.
Yeah. We got problems, Jim.
I don't think we could pry this open
with an elephant.
Tons of steam pressure, Jim,
forcing that piston against the safe.
No steam, no pressure, right, Artie?
Good luck.
Come in.
Mr. President, it's time to dress for the reception.
Is there any word from West or Gordon?
No, sir. None.
Thank you.
Open up.
Let go.
The reception's going to start any minute.
We got to be there with the president.
We can't go through the kitchen.
There's no telling who we might run into there.
Jim.
The pipe.
You all set?
Yeah, Artie.
It's all yours, Jim.
Welcome to the embassy, gentlemen.
You just leave your hats here and take a seat in that room.
Mr. President, gentlemen.
I was just about ready to give you up.
Please.
Gentlemen, please be seated.
You know what this is all about?
You and I are about to change the course of history.
Guard.
Gentlemen, I'm very happy
that you could attend this afternoon.
I have something to impart to you
that I think will be of great interest.
As you know, my country has maintained
diplomatic relations with the United States
for over 30 years.
This has not been altogether easy.
On more than one occasion,
our patience has been stretched
to the limits of endurance.
Only maturity and great understanding
has kept us from severing all ties.
Last week, however,
President Ulysses S. Grant committed a deed
of such shocking magnitude
that we can no longer forgive,
we can no longer tolerate,
we can no longer endure.
Fortunately, our agents were able
to catch General Grant in the act.
And due to the revolutionary advances
of our scientists and technicians,
were able to capture his unforgivable deed
and record it for the archives of history.
I'll show it to you now.
Gruber.
I need hardly point out
that the document Mr. Igo is holding
is a secret agreement.
Something is wrong.
Stop it! Stop it at once!
Don't bother.
You've gone this far, let them see the rest
of your little comedy.
Well, well, baron.
I want to congratulate you
on a marvelously funny piece of entertainment.
Now, I'm only sorry my cabinet members
weren't here to see it.
You have provided the world
with some very charming amusement.
Perhaps I can do the same for you
when we return to the homeland.
I'm just glad it's over.
To the good Baron Hinterstoisser.
Wherever he is.
Artie, you know, that reminds me.
I never did congratulate you
on the marvelous Kinetoscope performance.
Thank you. Listen,
I've been giving that a lot of thought.
Yeah, you know,
you remember how everybody was laughing
when I pretended to be the president?
Even I thought it was funny. It was funny. So?
Well, I've been thinking.
Suppose now, just suppose,
that I made another Kinetoscope,
only longer this time, and we rented a hall.
I bet you people would pay money to see that.
Pay money to see it? Come on, Artie.
A dime? A nickel?
Artie. Here, Have another champagne.
It was just a thought.
I'm glad it was just a thought, Artie.