Hello.
Hi.
Janet? How'd you get this number?
Johnny did some behind-the-scenes work.
Hey, can I, uh-- Can I talk to the kids?
Yeah. Sure.
Hey. It's Daddy.
Hi, Daddy. Hey, baby face.
How's school? Are you gonna come visit us again?
I don't know, sweetheart. I love you.
Put, uh-- Put your brother on the phone, please. Okay. I love you.
Did you find my fire helmet, Dad? I sure did, pal.
Yup. I polished it up.
Can you send it? Yeah. Sure.
- Hey, let me talk to Mom again, all right? - Okay.
I miss you. I miss you too.
Mom.
Yeah? Where's Colleen? Is she there?
She's here. She just, uh--
She doesn't want to talk.
Oh. That's funny.
Why is that funny?
Hi, Mom. How's it going?
Six goddamn days? Huh? Tommy--
She's missing for almost a week and you don't call her father?
I was going to-- I'll see you in court, bitch.
- How'd I sound? - You were pitch perfect.
Hey. You get my, uh, Viagra?
Oh, yeah. Here. Nice.
My source could only get the longer-lasting pill. Which longer-lasting one?
Oh, shit. I don't remember. There's the half-weekend one, the whole-weekend one.
Oh, shit. It might be the whole weekend. Jackpot. Thanks, bro.
Hey, uh, brother, you didn't happen to see anybody going through my locker, did you?
No. Why?
Uh, I don't know. I'm just down a couple quarts, pill-wise.
Yeah, no, I would have definitely said something if I, you know--
No, no, no. I know. It's just, uh--
Just what?
- What was that? - What?
- That look. - What look, Tommy?
I can't believe that you would even think that I--
- Tommy, I'm just asking-- - How can you possibly think--
- I'm not thinking-- - I know what you're thinking. Okay? You know what?
I don't even want to think about it.
Tom.
Shit.
Son of a bitch.
Drop something, Gavin? Hey, Chief.
I didn't know you were in there. Sorry to interrupt.
- What you taking there? - It's just a cold-allergy pill.
I have the sniffles. - Cold-allergy thing?
Yeah. Didn't look like it to me.
Well, it's a big one. Lasts all day.
Let me see that, Gavin. Gavin, get back here.
On another day C'mon, c'mon
With these ropes I tied can we do no wrong
Now we grieve 'cause now is gone
Things were good when we were young
With my teeth locked down I can see the blood
Of a thousand men who have come and gone
Now we grieve 'cause now is gone
Things were good when we were young
Is it safe to say C'mon, c'mon
Was it right to leave C'mon, c'mon
Will I ever learn C'mon, c'mon
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes.
Yes, Tommy. Oh, yeah.
Maybe we shouldn't be doing this.
Oh, grab my ass. Okay.
- Grab my ass, bitch! - Okay. All right. If we could just keep it down.
I can't help myself, Tommy.
You and Mary Magdalene. I knew it.
- No, I can explain. - Just like Judas.
Oh!
Another nightmare? Yeah.
- Dad? - Hey.
Wh-- Where you going?
I'm gonna go to school. What school?
My old one. I'm gonna go hang out and wait for my friends,
and we're all going to Jen's house.
I'll be over there the next two nights. Okay?
Wait a minute. Wait-- What about, you know,
if I had some stuff planned for us to do?
What stuff? Well, I was planning on, you know,
making some... plans on some stuff...
that we could, uh, you know, do together. Bye-bye.
Hey, whoa. You can't just waltz on out of here without my permission.
You look like you're going to a wet T-shirt contest.
Now you sound just like Mom.
You know what? Get back inside and put on a decent shirt. Right now.
You know, I might just grab my bag and head back out on the road.
How would you like that, Daddy? Hmm?
I bet that would help your case against Mom, wouldn't it?
Hey, baby. Well, this is a nice surprise.
- How's my favorite health-care provider? - I'll be better when I see you.
Oh, yeah? That's what I was calling about.
You wanna get together tonight? Maybe grab some dinner, fool around after?
Don't really need the dinner part. Oh, you bad girl.
Hey, listen, do me a favor. Bring me a couple more bottles of that Vicodin, huh?
I just gave you two bottles.
Yeah. I, uh-- I lost one of them.
Somebody took it.
Are you sure you didn't take it?
I'm giving you that stuff for pain, Frank, not so you can get hooked.
Hey, look, I'm not hooked on anything, okay? Except your ass.
Likewise.
Well, how's 7:00 sound?
Yeah, 7:00 sounds great. And, uh, bring me a present, okay?
I'll bring you a couple presents.
Bye, baby. Who you talking to?
Oh, uh, Keela. She's learning to use the phone. It's cute.
Oh, I bet.
Look, I'm not some sort of awful, jealous hag,
but if you turn me into one,
I promise I'll beyour awful, jealous hag...
for the rest of your life.
- Yeah, it's Mick. - Is this Father Michael Gavin?
- Yes, it is. Who's calling? - Chief Ron Perolli, F.D.N.Y.
I'm in charge of your cousin Tom Gavin. How you doing, Chief?
So you over the fat chick? Totally.
Yeah? What's with the new girl? What's her name? Uh, Allison.
Can I tell you something, bro? Sure.
Concerning Allison? Yeah, go ahead.
- She's gigantic. - No, she's tall.
No. No. Shaq is tall, okay? Yo-yo Ming is tall.
- Yao Ming. - Yo.
- Yao. - No, I was just-- I was just saying hi.
- Your chick is gigantic. - Oh, he's back with the fat chick?
- No, he's dating a vet now. - What war?
- No, a vet, like cats and dogs. - And she's fat?
- Tall. - How tall are we talking?
Oh, like, not that tall. Like, 6'2", 6'3" and a half.
So are you only doing Guinness Book chicks now? Is that it, Probie?
Fattest and Tallest? I mean, what's next, a chick with three tits?
That'd be great, wouldn't it? You know, I dated a chick with three nipples one time.
Well, I thought it was a nipple. It turned out to be a boil.
Anyway, an extra tit would be great.
-Yeah. So she's tall. It's no big deal. - What's the attraction?
You know, first I was a little freaked out, and then I started thinking.
It's nice not to have to--
You know, I can't really explain it. No, go ahead.
- It's gonna sound weird. - No, come on. Tell us.
Well, you know, usually the guy's the tall one.
You're bigger. You're in charge.
But with Allison, it's--
It's nice not to have to be the man all the time.
That didn't come out right.
What, you're saying you like being the girl? No.
- I think that's what you said. - You little freak.
No, that's not what I meant. You know what I was trying to say, Frank.
You're amazing, Mike.
Only you could turn a relationship with a woman into a gay experience.
Keep up the good work, buddy.
What's going on? Nothin'.
Miss anything? No.
- Yeah? - Hey. It's me.
Get out of here. What's up?
Listen. Your Chief Perolli called me. What?
Wants me to check in with him. Make sure you're staying sober.
Holy shit. That asshole can't wait to get rid of me.
He is just waiting for you to screw up, Tom.
And, you know, if he's got the balls to call me,
you know he's got other guys watching you--
Watching your every move, reporting back to him.
Yeah, right. Probably.
I wouldn't put it past this prick to have guys following you into the meetings.
Shit. Yeah, shit.
So I suggest we start hitting as many meetings as possible.
- Yeah, yeah. That'd be a-- That's be a great cover. - Yup.
Do you need a hand?
I thought maybe we could act like adults.
I didn't want to file a grievance, Lou.
I asked you to apologize-- Twice.
I'm not afraid of you, Lou.
I think you should just let the legal system run its course.
That's not gonna work. You heard Cousin Eddie.
You know? They'll side with the mother.
I'm gonna throw good money after bad and she'll end up with the kids.
- No. Forget it. - You got better odds with a runaway kid on one hand,
and proof that the mother didn't call on the other...
than you do with two kids that you kidnapped back.
It's crazy, Tommy. I'll just say they ran away too.
And-And what happens when these kids have to testify in court?
Hey, you'd be surprised what a couple of new bikes...
and a freezer full of Chunky Monkey can do, pal.
I will not be involved in this plan, and I wasn't even here.
Excuse me. I was looking for Tommy Gavin.
I'm him. I'm Liam Murphy. I was here the other day.
Oh, yeah. The guys told me. Yeah.
- I don't mean to interrupt or anything-- - I was praying someone would.
I'm Johnny Gavin. I'm his brother. My cross to bear. Sorry.
- Actually, I guess I want to speak with you too. - About what?
Uh, I don't know how to say this.
I don't really want to be disruptive or embarrass you,
but, uh--
Well, it appears that you two are my brothers.
You mean brothers in Christ? 'Cause we stopped going to church a long time ago.
Long time. Yeah. So--
No, I mean your brother-- Or half-brother, I suppose.
Here. Uh--
We share the same father-- Michael Gavin.
What's this, like a-- What do they call it?
A Photoshop thing? Yeah. Photoshop.
You had me for a second. Who set this up? Lou? Jerry?
I think the priest thing is a little bit obvious, but--
The fact of it is, your father had an affair with my mother.
Lasted over 30 years.
In fact, I, uh, also have a picture of the two of them... together.
Sweet chocolate Christ. That's Dad.
What an asshole.
Son of a bitch. Sorry about the language, Father.
No, that's all right. You can throw in "shithead" while you're at it.
Welcome to the family.
Father.
A priest, huh? You know, I had no idea.
Funny thing, Dad. Neither did we.
Are you out of your mind? Huh? Did Mom know?
If your mother knew, we wouldn't be having this conversation,
because I'd be dead in some river somewhere with my balls in my mouth.
- "Did Mom know?" -The guy's almost the same age as me, right?
He's a couple weeks younger. I mean, how long were you seeing this broad?
Oh, about... 36 years.
What?
You were having an affair for 36 years? What can I tell you?
- When it comes to adultery, I'm a one-woman man. - You still seeing this broad?
No, no. God, no. It's been over for 10 years.
What happened? Well, she got too clingy, and I hate that.
And-And we had a great arrangement.
You know, I'd, uh, see her once or twice a month.
I gave her some money. Well, hold on a second.
You telling me that all those years we were scraping by--
those years that we didn't have family vacations,
that year that you got me that stupid sled for Christmas--
that you were supporting another family?
-Now, look-- -Are you talking about that sled with the really cool brakes?
- Goddamn brakes never worked. - Wait a minute. You told me that was my goddamn sled,
and that he'd been bad and Santa brought him a lump of coal,
so I should let him play with it and pretend it was his.
Count your blessings--
Because one year when I was a kid, Oh, God.
my sisters each got a big box of tampons.
And they were happy to get-- Don't start with the tampon speech.
Yeah. At first they were fit to be tied, but as the months wore on--
Blah, blah, blah. It was true, goddamn it.
Nobody cares.
Water under the bridge.
Now, look.
I don't want Mrs. Ng to know,
because she thinks I have enough kids as it is.
- And so mum's the word. - Yeah. Mum. Forget about her spinning in her grave.
She's probably up and out of it, on her way over here right now, as we speak.
Aw, Jesus, Dad. Why?
Let's hear what kind of trumped-up, half-baked justification...
you can pull out of your ass this time.
I needed sex.
Oh, my God. Your mother was brought up...
in a strict Roman Catholic household.
Sex was for procreation only.
It was easier for me to get another broad.
That's it? Yeah.
Is there anything else you want to tell us about? Nope. Just the priest.
Great. Thank God for that. Let's get out of here, Tommy.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
- He has a sister. - What?
Are you talking about, like, a "sister" sister, like a nun?
No, no, no, no.
She was working at a Dairy Queen the last time I saw her.
Didn't both of our other sisters work in fast food at one time or another?
- Apparently it's genetic. - Now, don't hate me, fellas.
I was young and weak, and this girl--
the mother of these two kids-- Yeah?
She had an ass that you could see the future in.
That's it. I'm going. That's great.
You didn't happen to stick your head up far enough...
to see that the Yankees were gonna lose four in a row to the Red Sox, did you?
No. Didn't think so.
Would have made a lot of money if I did.
Well, we're here. Where?
Prepare to feast your eyes.
Hey, listen. If this is your usual bullshit--
Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.
Keep your hands off me. You can tell me to come here without hands, all right?
Look and be amazed.
Holy shit.
Tell me about it.
Well, what do you think?
You gotta get me a meeting with your agent.
Jeannie?
It's me.
Babe?
Jeannie.
Oh, I know.
Jesus Christ! Bud, what are you doing here?
Who is this guy? It's my brother, Bud.
A little privacy here, huh? That's my wife, you son of a bitch.
She never told me she was married. No, no! Stop! Don't! Don't!
Don't hurt him. Don't!
I didn't know.
Leave him alone! I didn't know!
You son of a bitch, you.
I catch you near my wife again, I'll kill you!
Goddamn it, Jeannie.
Goddamn it.
He was sweet to me.
He told me I was pretty.
Don't ruin things, Bud.
Let's go into the bedroom.
Oh, uh, you know, my daughter's in there sleeping.
Are you expecting someone? No. No, no, no.
Must just be, like, a take-out delivery guy...
ringing the wrong apartment. Mmm.
Uh, one second. Mmm.
- Yeah. - It's me. Can I come up?
Hi. What are you doing?
I'm shopping, and I got some of that natural peanut butter that Keela likes.
-Open up. - All right. I'll be right down.
What?
Uh, that's my sister. Consuelo.
Hey, sweetheart.
This is a nice surprise. Yeah. You look surprised.
Yeah. I-I just, you know-- Keela, she's coming down with something,
and I thought that if both of us caught it, it might look a little suspicious.
This issonot working.
Good-bye. Uh, Laura. Laura, what--
What's the matter? You totally have somebody up there, don't you?
You wouldn't buzz me up, and then you came all the way down here.
No, no, no. I told you-- Oh, dude, you are a great lay and a shit liar.
So why don't you take your peanut butter...
and spread it all over whoever you have up there...
and have yourself a wonderful evening.
Hey, Laura. Laura. Listen.
Sweetheart, what you and I have got--
It's not like anything I've had with anybody else before.
Okay? I-I'm not saying it's love--
Of course not. But, God, it could be.
And, God, I want it to be. I really do.
But I wanna be ready, you know?
I want it to be smooth.
So, yeah, maybe I have to tie up some of the loose ends in my life,
but I swear to you, girl, there's nobody upstairs but me and my daughter.
I mean, if we don't have trust, Laura, we don't have anything.
So you still don't believe me, you still think I'm lying to you,
that I'm hiding some chick upstairs--
By all means, be my guest.
What?
You're really... important to me you know,
and I never meant for this to happen,
but now that it is happening, it makes me scared...
and jealous and stupid.
I gotta go.
Hey, hey. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?
Hi. This is the home of Peter and Stephen.
Leave a message and we'll call you back. Thanks.
Hey, uh, Pete.
This is your old man.
She's, uh--
Well, I was gonna say she's-- She's better, but she's--
She's bad. She's real bad.
Look, I know things haven't been good between the two of us.
It's mostly my fault.
Uh-- But, uh--
I need you to come home.
I need your help, kid.
I can't do this anymore.
Please.
Just call me, huh? Please?
That's it. That's definitely the way to go.
- I'm gonna kidnap my own kids back. - I'm not hearing this, Tommy.
Especially after what we just went through.
You know, your lips-- They're moving, but there's no sound coming out.
Think about how I would feel if I didn't do this.
You know? Think about the-- The goddamn sled.
That's it. You know what? I'm leaving.
You're an asshole. Good-bye. What?
You know, Tommy, before you do anything--
and not that I would know what that "anything" would be--
you gotta do something completely foreign now, Tommy. You gotta think.
We just found out that our father had been...
banging some strange broad for 30-plus years,
and now we got a priest brother, and we got a former D.Q. employee for a sister,
both floating around the city somewhere.
And now our old man-- our father--
is living on Park Avenue, banging Yoko Ono's grandmother.
Not to mention the whole you-knocking-up-our- dead-cousin's-wife thing.
This is our family in a nutshell.
Do you really want to bring your kids back into this?
Huh? Do you?
You gotta think. Huh?
Think.
Gee.
God, I am just so upset. I mean, it's not even my apartment.
My friend's out of town and I was watching it for her. She's gonna kill me.
Yeah, accidents happen. At least there wasn't that much damage--
Except for the smoke. You guys are being so nice. Thank you.
I'm Heather. Yeah, I'm Sean, by the way. This is Franco.
Nice to meet you. You're both so strong.
Well, you know, I work out a lot.
Yeah. Well, me too-- A lot, you know.
I mean, like, I gotta get a life. I work out that much.
Uh, Miss, you in the habit of burning candles during the day?
Yeah. I'm a Buddhist-- Well, at least I'm trying to be.
They caught the curtains over the sink and I panicked.
Panicked Buddhist-- We don't get a lot of those.
Franco, ready to start packing this in?
Yeah. Hey, uh, Garrity, why don't you start packing up?
Yeah, well, why don't you pack up? Why don't you?
Because I'm busy. I'm-- I'm comforting Heather.
Oh, how sweet.
I can comfort her. Yeah, I know, but that's, you know--
- Hey, Frank. Laura needs you upstairs. - Yeah? What for?
I don't know. She was looking out the window.
- She told me to tell you to get up there. - Uh, what window?
- Right there. - Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna start packing up. All right. See you later.
You guys are all so brave. Yeah?
- I don't know how to thank you. - God, please. Give me a second. I'll think of something.
Hey, is that new?
What are you looking at? Ladies only. Go ahead, fruitcake.
Hey. Well, hello.
That really you up there?
Why, yes, it is.
You look much smaller in person.
Yeah, well, I've been working out.
Hi. Uh, my name is, uh, Fred, and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Fred. Last night I was with my brother,
and we felt like having a drink, but instead we got some coffee,
and, uh--
Well, long story short. Blah, blah, blah.
Didn't drink, and, uh--
One day at a time. See you.
Thanks, Fred. See any suspicious faces?
Just about the whole goddamn room. Really?
- Excuse me, Fred. - Hi.
I saw you at a meeting. I thought you were Tommy the fireman.
You said you were Bob the plumber.
- You're a plumber? - No. No. It's my--
That's my twin brother. Addiction is genetic.
He's a priest and a plumber.
Alcoholic. Hi, Paul.
- I'm a brain surgery... guy. - You're a brain surgeon?
Uh, yeah. Let's switch seats.
Yeah. I been here, like, 15 minutes.
Now, is that normal? Yeah. Uh, that's nothin'.
- You all right? - Yeah. I jammed my finger in the door. It's killing me.
- What'll I do when I get in there? - Just be yourself.
Oh, my God. I gotta go, pal.
Mr. Quinn will see you now.
Oh, it's so good to see you, uh-- uh--
Mr. Quinn.
You know, Teddy and I are old friends.
He's my brother, so why shouldn't we be?
And he, uh-- Thank you.
- No, thank you. As I was saying-- - No, no, no, no. Thank you.
Sir, you can come with me. W-Wait a minute. I--
That was unbelievable.
I'm sure it was.
No. You're the best... ever. I-- I mean it.
- I know. - You want to get a cup of coffee?
No. That'll be 100 bucks.
I'm sorry?
$100. Now.
Sure. Sure. Uh--
Yeah. Uh, I didn't catch your name, sweetheart.
Frank.
So, not one suspicious face in the whole crowd?
You spoke for what-- Like, 12 seconds.
I mean, I barely had time to check out the guy's shoes in front of me.
I mean, come on, Tom. What are you doing here?
What do you mean? It's not about how many meetings you go to, all right?
It's about the message. I know.
You know? Yeah.
What's the message? The message?
Yeah. It's... don't drink.
And? I'm not drinking.
Yeah, because you got the pressure on you of losing your spot...
in a very active house with all your old pals.
Because you know Janet's gonna bring your drinking up if you go to court.
What about after that, huh? What about next year and the year after that?
When you start running out of reasons to come.
What about when you start running out of fake names, for Christ's sake?
What then, huh?
One day at a time, brother. One day at a time.
Great.
See ya.
Bullshit. How can the guy say that he's not interested...
when I was in his office all of two seconds?
That's how the business works. He said he didn't respond to you.
Just accept it and move on.
What did he say specifically?
Aw, God. He said you were too old and fat.
You know, I feel shitty about this. I tell you, I really do.
Join the club. I had a broad blow me yesterday.
Thought it was 'cause of the billboard.
Ends up she's a whore. Asked me for money.
Worst part is, I'm pretty sure she was a guy.
A really good-looking guy.
Hey.
I'm glad you could make it down.
Hi. Hi.
- How long can you stay? - Had some time coming.
Couple of weeks. My chief's a good guy.
Good. Great. Well, I gotta scoot.
I'm working tonight too. How is she?
Well, you might find it a little bit rough.
She goes in and out.
She's better in the early part of the day.
She's up taking a nap now, and, uh,
you never know what to expect, you know?
It's that bad? Why didn't you tell me before?
Call me? I've had my hands full around here, goddamn it.
It's not like I have time to phone up and just chat.
She's wandering off. She gets lost. She leaves the stove on.
- I'm sorry. - Yeah.
Well, she'll be up in a little bit.
We'll talk tomorrow, huh? We'll make a plan.
Okay. Peter!
Oh!
What a wonderful surprise.
What are you doing home? Well, I got some time off.
Thought I'd come down and visit. See my beautiful young mother.
Oh. I'm so thrilled.
Bud, do you see?
Peter's home.
I'm not Bud. I'm Jerry.
I'm your goddamn husband of 31 years.
You hardly ever even see this kid,
and his name comes back to you clear as a bell.
I'm here all the time.
Aw. Never mind.
Geez.
Hey, how you doing, Chief? Fred.
What'd you say? Huh?
Did you just call me Fred?
No.
Why would I do that?
I don't know.
Maybe you're getting what we used to call "wet brain."
Gavin-- You're hearing things.
Maybe you're taking too many of those cold-allergy things.
I don't think so.
- You done yet? - No.
Cut that awful close, Jerry.
How you doing?
Never been better.
So when you say you don't mind not being the man--
No, that's not what I said. I'm afraid so, Probie. It was an exact quote.
I mean, when you're with this gargantuan woman--
this Amazon, okay, this high rise with tits--
and you close your eyes, either on your own power or because of the vertigo,
do you imagine the fact that she is the person in control?
Uh--
Okay, that's not the answer we were looking for.
- I think he likes her to be the man. - Yeah.
No. No, I don't. Not exactly. I mean, it's hard to explain.
Jesus Christ. This is worse than I thought.
Hey, ladies. What's going on? Mike might be gay.
It's not official yet. Well, you know, "gay-ish."
- Meanwhile I think I know your new girlfriend. - She's not my girlfriend, Lou.
Yes, she is. I can swear I met her someplace.
- In your dreams, maybe? - Kid, my dreams are all filled up with Candace Bergen,
a chocolate wheelchair and the Olsen twins.
I've had that same dream-- except it's Carly Simon...
and a big tub of chunky peanut butter.
- Why chunky? - Better traction.
- I know I know her face. - Who?
Excuse me, guys. Chief Reilly here?
Yeah. I'm Reilly. What can I do for you?
Bob Kent from H.Q. I need you to get your crew together.
Get them on the engine and have them report to the rock immediately.
Your house is closed for the rest of the day.
What the hell is going on? What are you talking about?
A grievance has been filed against a member of this house.
That person opted to take sensitivity training.
I opted to take it. Not the whole crew. Doesn't work that way.
Let's go.
Okay, okay, guys, listen up.
Quiet. Listen up. Gentlemen... and lady.
Class only takes eight hours,
and I can safely say it beats having to risk your life in a fire.
By how much, I can't say. Don.
Thanks, Bob.
Hi, guys. Don Kleinman.
I know nobody wants to be here. Yeah, seeing as how the neighborhood we serve...
is short a rig for the next eight hours-- Yeah, we ain't happy.
Fair enough.
Now, how many of you-- being totally honest now--
How many of you would say that you're prejudiced? Show of hands.
Okay, so, you know, this is the usual response.
No one identifies him- or herself as prejudiced.
We all think-- Okay, we have a hand up.
You think you're prejudiced? Yup.
Against who? Well, let's see.
Chevy Neons that cost 12 grand to buy but have $8,000 paint jobs...
and nine spics inside 'em smoking weed, that's one thing.
Okay, now listen. The term "spic--"
- It's okay. I'm a spic. - Well, see, that's really not--
Crazy Chink broads who don't know how to drive in the first place,
and now they got cell phones stuck to their ears while they're...
doing 65 miles an hour down Sixth Avenue, huh? Right?
And crazy Chinks on bikes with 10 pounds of Chinese food strapped to the handlebars--
Now, see, the word "Chink" is what I like to call a problem word.
Uh, if I were a Chink, I'd rather be called a Chink than a gook.
Okay, now hold on. Listen to me, please.
Chinese people would not like to be called gook or Chink...
- or pan face or zipper head or-- - See, that's another thing.
I mean, Puerto Ricans, we get shafted even when it comes to racism.
Chinks got what, like, four ethnic slurs. We got one-- spic. That's it.
The Irish, they got mick, paddy, donkey.
-Italians-- They got guinea, wop, dago. - Yeah. Spaghetti bender.
Aw, spaghetti bender went out of style during Sinatra's first marriage.
- Greaseball? - Greaseball. There you have it. That's four.
That's right. Same thing with the Jews, right?
- Hebe, kike, Jew-boy, benny-- Shylock.
That's five. Yeah. And black people-- Forget about it.
- Spear chucker, jungle bunny, raisin head, porch monkey-- - Spook.
Shine. Tar baby.
- It's endless. Totally unfair. - Yeah.
What?
I have a video that I would like you to watch.
Hopefully it will, uh--
it'll spark some-- some serious thoughts.
Hey! How's it going?
Hey, did you catch the big game last night?
No. You assumed I was a sports fan because I'm black.
I was at the theater last night.
Well, hey, that's--
Remember. Sensitivity is needed when dealing with others--
especially those with different ethnicities,
and those of the opposite sex.
In conclusion, don't be like our friend.
Ooh. You people have the best produce.
What do you mean, "you people"?
Show the same sensitivity to others...
that you would like others to show to you. Hey!
It makes for a better workplace, and a better world for us all.
Okay, now what did we learn from that? Any thoughts?
- Yes. - Only white people can be racist?
That wasn't the point of the video. Well, it's pretty obvious.
I mean, where were the black guys calling white people crackers?
Where were the Mexicans shitting all over the Puerto Ricans?
You know? Where were the Chinese people making fun of the Japs,
who hate the Koreans, who hate--
Okay, now hold on. Hold on. No. This is bullshit.
The only reason we're here is because somebody in our group called somebody else a name.
It was "twat," by the way. Just so we're clear.
It's just to cover the F.D.N.Y.'s ass.
That's all this is good for, you know?
Just in case some Puerto Rican woman or some fat Chinese guy...
files a lawsuit against the F.D.N.Y.,
or God help us, there's another disgruntled female firefighter...
who thinks she has a case--
The F.D.N.Y. can say, "No, no, no. They can't be prejudiced.
They took this horseshit sensitivity training."
Let me tell you something. Next time I run into a burning building...
and refuse to bring out anybody who's not the same color as me--
That's when you can bring my angry, sober, pink Irish ass back down here.
Got it? I'm going outside for a smoke.
Ten-minute break, everybody.
You happy now? Oh, yeah, like this is my fault.
I'm not the one who lost his temper...
and shot his mouth off like an idiot.
You just don't get it, do you?
You hate me. I get it.
That's not what I mean.
This person you're talking to right now--
I don't know who this guy is.
I mean, I know it's me, of course, but--
Who I am?
I got no clue.
I was married. I thought I'd be with her until I got burned up...
or she put me in the ground...
with her nonstop talking about bullshit...
that normal people don't waste their breath on.
Commercials.
What she ate that day.
How some colors are more healing than others.
Now I got no wife. It's like-- I swear--
It's like my life just jumped the tracks,
and now I'm running on someone else's tracks,
leading someone else's life.
You know, you-- Most of these clowns--
You're younger than me. You got possibilities.
You got options.
If this gig didn't work out for you,
you could get married.
Bake cakes.
Open a dress shop.
I got no dress shop.
I got no future.
This is all I got.
It's all I am.
Don't make me change...
how I do it, Laura.
One more change...
and I think I'm done.
I'm gonna take that as an apology.
I wish to hell you wouldn't.
Shit.
Damn it.
- Hey. - Hey.
Listen. I like you.
I think you should go with your gut here. What do you mean?
Go get your kids, 'cause they're the most important thing.
I never had any...
because my husband was too... busy.
You imagine that?
Guy hasn't had a job the entire time I've known him,
and he was too busy to have kids.
- So, you guys are married? - Common law.
Come on. We've been shacking up for 2,000 years.
Of course, his mother doesn't see it that way.
According to her, she's still a virgin.
Shit. My ride's here.
Do you love your wife?
Yeah. I-I-- I guess I do. Yeah.
Does she love you? I don't know.
Life's too short, Tommy.
Sheila doesn't love you,
but she loves being with you.
Right now, that's the best you've got.
Make her happy.
Make yourself happy.
See you later. Bye.
Oh, God!
Goddamn it! What the hell.
You scared the shit out of me. I--
Just trying to surprise you.
Well, you did.
Mmm.
Mmm. No need for booze tonight, baby.
Damien's-- I know.
Drove him to a friend's house. He's staying there for the night.
I checked and made sure he did his homework.
Gave him 40 bucks in spending money. So--
I own you tonight.
I want you
Said I want you
I want you
I need you
I said I need you
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Oh, yeah. Do it again. No. Ow!
- What, what, what? - Friction, Tommy. Ever heard of it?
Ow! God, what is going on?
I'm sorry. I thought you were having a good time.
Are you on drugs?
Yeah. What--
What drugs would I be on?
You're on them pills-- Them cock pills, aren't you?
What cock pills? This is--
You know, last week you were trying to pour vodka down my throat,
and this week, you know, I come over,
I got a giant au naturel hard-on for you, and it's still not good enough.
I mean-- You're really not on anything?
No.
Come on. Come back up.
No, no, no, but-- Ow! What?
It's been, like, two hours.
Listen. Why don't you...
go out to the car and get the rest of the groceries--
Yeah? And when you come back--
Uh-huh. I will give you...
the best blow job you've ever had.
Okay.
But, you know, it could take some time.
We'll see about that.
Hello. Hey. It's, uh-- It's Dr. Fred.
Oh, hi. Sorry to call so late.
Uh--
- I wanna ask you a question. I know it might sound strange. - I'm sure it won't. What?
Do you know if a woman who is, let's say, like, four months pregnant--
Would she have any need to use tampons?
No, I-- I really need to know.
- But you're a doctor. - Well, I'm a brain doctor.
I mean, the brain's my thing, not the vagina.
I mean, the vagina's my thing when it comes to sex,
but not the other stuff, you know?
Uh, a woman who's that pregnant would not need tampons.
- Is this your way of-- - Great. Thank you.
Hello?
For Mary Magdelene
Wouldn't have to wait
Wait around for the real thing
With the band singing hallelujah
Hallelujah
Cloudland.