1 00:00:35,014 --> 00:00:36,811 I'm 30 today,. 2 00:00:36,934 --> 00:00:41,485 My mum got me up really early this morning togive me my present, 3 00:00:43,614 --> 00:00:45,684 Yeah, this is it, actually. it's nice. 4 00:00:45,814 --> 00:00:48,965 I'm into... I like ballet. I love the novels of Proust. 5 00:00:49,094 --> 00:00:52,484 I love the work of Alain Delon. 6 00:00:52,614 --> 00:00:55,174 And that's, I think, what influenced her 7 00:00:55,294 --> 00:00:56,966 into buying me Hat FM. 8 00:00:57,094 --> 00:00:59,244 I like the radio too. 9 00:00:59,374 --> 00:01:02,013 It's all right. I think it's quite a sweet present. 10 00:01:04,734 --> 00:01:08,727 I have to make sure Finchy gets here on time for the quiz tonight. 11 00:01:08,854 --> 00:01:10,333 Seven o'clock on the dot. 12 00:01:10,454 --> 00:01:13,207 Six... Six years in a row. Winners. 13 00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:15,131 So er... you know... 14 00:01:15,254 --> 00:01:16,528 Finchy!! 15 00:01:17,054 --> 00:01:18,407 Brent. All right? 16 00:01:18,534 --> 00:01:21,890 Don't forget tonight. Oh, here we go. Straight away. Go on. 17 00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:26,446 What's black and slides down Nelson's Column? Dunno. 18 00:01:27,214 --> 00:01:29,933 Winnie Mandela? Oh, yeah, that's good. 19 00:01:30,054 --> 00:01:33,763 No, it's not racist. I thought the column because he's... Yeah. 20 00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:36,613 And she is black, and she's married. it's not even low. 21 00:01:36,734 --> 00:01:38,292 Seven. Cheers. Bye. 22 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:43,243 What you doing in so early? Shit the bed? 23 00:01:43,374 --> 00:01:46,605 No! ... I haven't done that for weeks! 24 00:01:46,734 --> 00:01:50,204 No. My mum got me up at quarter to seven to give me a birthday present. 25 00:01:50,334 --> 00:01:51,972 Happy birthday. - Thank you. 26 00:01:52,094 --> 00:01:53,368 What did she get you? 27 00:01:55,774 --> 00:01:57,366 Something you can wear. 28 00:01:59,294 --> 00:02:01,808 The hat? - The hat yes. Well done. 29 00:02:19,694 --> 00:02:21,127 Hiya. All right? 30 00:02:21,254 --> 00:02:23,290 Happy birthday. - Thank you very much. 31 00:02:23,974 --> 00:02:25,248 Ta. 32 00:02:25,374 --> 00:02:27,251 Right. - nice hat. 33 00:02:27,374 --> 00:02:28,648 Thanks. 34 00:02:29,614 --> 00:02:32,492 Um... Good. That's all in order. 35 00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:36,291 What's the difference between your wages and your penis? 36 00:02:36,414 --> 00:02:39,087 I can find lots of women who will blow your wages. 37 00:02:39,214 --> 00:02:40,932 What's that? - I don't know. 38 00:02:41,054 --> 00:02:42,726 Why does that happen? 39 00:02:45,454 --> 00:02:47,729 Lock up your daughters, as thay say. 40 00:02:48,774 --> 00:02:50,651 Finch is on his way in for the quiz. 41 00:02:50,774 --> 00:02:53,129 Chris Finch. Innit, Gareth? 43 00:02:54,694 --> 00:02:58,482 You'll only be able to use 20% of it when you get me and him together 44 00:02:58,614 --> 00:03:00,332 Gareth, innit? 45 00:03:02,774 --> 00:03:04,127 Hat. 46 00:03:04,254 --> 00:03:07,166 it's Tim's birthday. - Oh, yeah? 47 00:03:08,894 --> 00:03:12,204 To be honest, I think you're mad to let me and Finchy on the bleedin' telly 48 00:03:12,334 --> 00:03:14,973 We're like Morecambe and Wise when we get together. 49 00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:17,972 Not Morecambe and Wise, because there's no straight man, 50 00:03:18,094 --> 00:03:19,652 there's no dead wood. 51 00:03:20,174 --> 00:03:25,487 So, um... I'm more sort of character based, and he's more of a gag man. 52 00:03:25,614 --> 00:03:26,967 I do gags as well 53 00:03:27,094 --> 00:03:29,733 I mean, good together... by now. 54 00:03:29,854 --> 00:03:33,130 We sort of read each other's minds when we're doing a bit of stick. 55 00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:37,008 We're just cracking up, and people watching go, 'Why is that funny?' 56 00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:40,331 We tell them why and they go, 'Yeah. You are the best...' 57 00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:41,967 It's their opinion. 58 00:03:42,454 --> 00:03:43,933 Happy birthday, by the way. - Thank you. 59 00:03:44,054 --> 00:03:45,692 Which one is it? - it's 30. 60 00:03:45,814 --> 00:03:48,328 The big 3-0. That's the worst one, isn't it? 61 00:03:48,454 --> 00:03:50,922 I know what you're thinking - 'My youth's over.' 62 00:03:51,054 --> 00:03:55,844 When I was 30, like you, I was going, 'I'm in a rubbish job, 63 00:03:55,974 --> 00:03:58,852 nothing good ever happens to me. When will it change?' 64 00:03:58,974 --> 00:04:00,373 But, you know... 65 00:04:02,014 --> 00:04:03,413 Things do change. - Mmm. 66 00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:07,243 And it could be worse. There's a neighbour of mine, Kelvin... 67 00:04:08,174 --> 00:04:10,404 he's 32 and he still lives with his parents. 68 00:04:10,534 --> 00:04:12,525 I live with my parents. - Cherish them. 69 00:04:12,654 --> 00:04:14,963 You will miss them when they're not around. 70 00:04:15,174 --> 00:04:16,926 Both um... 71 00:04:17,134 --> 00:04:18,533 Both of mine are dead. 72 00:04:18,774 --> 00:04:20,048 Oh. 73 00:04:20,174 --> 00:04:21,448 So er... 74 00:04:21,574 --> 00:04:24,566 Dad isn't dead. He's in a home. 75 00:04:25,454 --> 00:04:26,807 So as good as. 76 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,970 Shot to bits. He was... Oh, God. 77 00:04:29,174 --> 00:04:32,325 Called out the other night - three a. m. - by the nurses. 78 00:04:32,454 --> 00:04:36,333 He was convinced there was a Japanese sniper on the roof of Debenhams. 79 00:04:36,454 --> 00:04:38,046 Does that look into his room? 80 00:04:38,174 --> 00:04:40,608 The back of the roof looks into his room, yeah. 81 00:04:40,734 --> 00:04:45,649 Good spot. It's a good spot, that's where I'd be if I had to take someone out that lived there. 82 00:04:46,974 --> 00:04:52,173 And I had to go up to the room with him, and go, 'Look, Dad, there's no Japanese sniper' 83 00:04:52,294 --> 00:04:54,683 Who was up there? - no one was there. 84 00:04:54,814 --> 00:04:57,203 it was his imagination. There was no one there. 85 00:04:57,334 --> 00:04:58,813 Lucky. That's lucky. 86 00:04:59,014 --> 00:05:01,289 if there was a sniper, you wouldn't see him. 87 00:05:01,414 --> 00:05:04,690 You'd be like, 'Oh... oh... no one there. ' 88 00:05:11,414 --> 00:05:13,723 Anyway, he is a vegetable now. 89 00:05:14,694 --> 00:05:17,811 And that's something we've all got to look forward to. 90 00:05:19,574 --> 00:05:20,973 Happy birthday. 91 00:05:21,934 --> 00:05:23,208 See you later. 92 00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:28,968 Wotcher. 93 00:05:30,894 --> 00:05:32,486 Got him over. 94 00:05:32,614 --> 00:05:34,889 Tim? Got you a pressie. 95 00:05:35,774 --> 00:05:38,686 Oh, thanks a lot. Thank you. - Happy birthday, mate. 96 00:05:38,814 --> 00:05:41,044 Thanks, Lee. You're a good man. 97 00:05:42,214 --> 00:05:43,932 This is exciting. 98 00:05:47,374 --> 00:05:50,252 This is big. Big and exciting. 99 00:05:52,014 --> 00:05:55,211 It's a big, exciting, huge inflatable cock. God... 100 00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:57,689 You can sit on that if you like. - Yes. 101 00:05:57,814 --> 00:06:00,044 It's not just from me mate, it's from Dawn as well. 102 00:06:00,174 --> 00:06:01,687 You haven't got one already, have you? 103 00:06:01,814 --> 00:06:04,089 Um, no. You can naver have too many anyway. 104 00:06:04,214 --> 00:06:06,170 And you do profer it to the money? 105 00:06:06,294 --> 00:06:09,047 Yes. I'd only have spent it on a huge inflatable cock. 106 00:06:09,174 --> 00:06:10,732 That is... 107 00:06:10,934 --> 00:06:13,129 Stop playing with it! Did you get him that? 108 00:06:13,254 --> 00:06:15,370 Brilliant. Oh, God, look at that. 109 00:06:16,814 --> 00:06:18,611 Let's have a look. - Doing, doing. 110 00:06:18,734 --> 00:06:20,372 Ex-sperminate. 111 00:06:22,494 --> 00:06:24,166 Oh, no, no. 112 00:06:24,294 --> 00:06:26,933 Hello, Austin Powers. I'm the naked Mini Me. 113 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:31,013 I've got one. Thomas the Tank Engine rolled into town! 114 00:06:31,134 --> 00:06:32,408 Dickhead. 115 00:06:32,534 --> 00:06:34,923 Ringo Starr. Whose Line is it Anyway? 116 00:06:37,174 --> 00:06:39,404 Don't grab it unless you've got one ready, 'cuz it slows it down. 117 00:06:39,534 --> 00:06:41,286 Oh, that is brilliant. 118 00:06:42,854 --> 00:06:44,526 Happy birthday. - Thank you. 119 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,407 Remember, you're only as old as the woman you feel. 120 00:06:47,534 --> 00:06:49,650 I say that sometimes. - I heard that the other day. 121 00:06:49,774 --> 00:06:53,449 I thought 'He's using one of my catchphrases' I don't mind influencing a young comedian - you're not a comedian - 122 00:06:53,574 --> 00:06:56,407 but I usually credit someone if I use their comedy. 123 00:06:56,534 --> 00:06:59,412 What ones of yours do I use? - Same shit, different day. 124 00:06:59,534 --> 00:07:00,808 That's mine. 125 00:07:00,934 --> 00:07:03,084 Ex-squeeze me, instead of excuse me. 126 00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:06,331 Oh, wank you very much. - Yeah. I invented that one. 127 00:07:06,454 --> 00:07:09,093 Say that to a waiter or something. Wank you very much! 128 00:07:10,894 --> 00:07:13,613 And here's one. Witnesses that I started this one. 129 00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:17,124 If someone's unlucky, you go, 'I'm not saying he's unlucky, 130 00:07:17,254 --> 00:07:19,131 but if he fell in a barrelfull of tits, 131 00:07:19,254 --> 00:07:21,768 he'd come up sucking his own thumb!' 132 00:07:21,894 --> 00:07:24,044 Suck tits? I thought you sucked knobs. 133 00:07:24,174 --> 00:07:25,448 Do ya? 134 00:07:27,174 --> 00:07:28,493 Got you! 135 00:07:30,134 --> 00:07:31,692 They're cracking up. 136 00:07:33,614 --> 00:07:34,888 Oh, God... 137 00:07:35,014 --> 00:07:37,289 Yeah. There are limits to my comedy.. 138 00:07:37,494 --> 00:07:40,213 There are things I would never laugh at. 139 00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:41,608 Um... 140 00:07:41,734 --> 00:07:43,452 The handicapped... 141 00:07:44,694 --> 00:07:47,003 because there's nothing funny about them. 142 00:07:47,414 --> 00:07:49,723 Or any deformity. 143 00:07:50,654 --> 00:07:52,610 Yeah? Um... 144 00:07:52,734 --> 00:07:57,330 It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go, 145 00:07:57,454 --> 00:08:01,413 'Oh, look at him. He's not able-bodied. I am. I'm prejudiced.' 146 00:08:01,534 --> 00:08:02,808 Yeah? 147 00:08:02,934 --> 00:08:06,210 Well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. 148 00:08:08,134 --> 00:08:11,524 Unless he's not. It's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones. 149 00:08:11,654 --> 00:08:13,884 So just give generously to all of them. 150 00:08:16,254 --> 00:08:19,052 Guys? Don't forget to say happy birthday to Tim - it's today 151 00:08:19,174 --> 00:08:22,484 And, also, we'll be going out for drinks later. 152 00:08:22,614 --> 00:08:24,093 Not tonight. 153 00:08:24,214 --> 00:08:25,533 Why?. - Quiz. 154 00:08:25,654 --> 00:08:28,373 Well, we can go out before. When does it start? 155 00:08:28,494 --> 00:08:31,088 Seven. Always. - OK. Drinks at six then. 156 00:08:31,214 --> 00:08:34,172 Did you get him a gift? - No. But it starts at seven. 157 00:08:34,294 --> 00:08:36,762 I know. Well, OK. Drinks at six. 158 00:08:36,894 --> 00:08:39,408 Shall I get him a card from you? - Whatever. 159 00:08:39,534 --> 00:08:42,048 Finch is coming down, so gotta be ready to go at seven. 160 00:08:42,174 --> 00:08:43,732 Drinks at six. 161 00:08:43,854 --> 00:08:45,526 But it starts at seven. 162 00:08:45,654 --> 00:08:47,007 Drinks at six. 163 00:08:53,254 --> 00:08:54,846 Studying? Quiz. 164 00:08:54,974 --> 00:08:57,010 Are you a team again? 165 00:08:57,774 --> 00:08:59,605 Just three of you, is it? 166 00:08:59,814 --> 00:09:01,088 Yeah. 167 00:09:01,974 --> 00:09:04,249 You excited, for this big quiz? - Yeah, Looking forward to it. 168 00:09:04,374 --> 00:09:06,126 it's not the first though. 169 00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:09,371 I err... was on 'Blockbusters' 170 00:09:09,854 --> 00:09:12,243 What, on the telly? - Yeah. 171 00:09:13,174 --> 00:09:17,053 Were you one of two or by yourself?. If there's two of you, it's cheating. 172 00:09:17,174 --> 00:09:19,130 Yeah. Just one. - Just one. 173 00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:20,767 Did you win anything or...? 174 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,533 Yeah. Two Gold Runs. Camping equipment, Walkman. 175 00:09:23,654 --> 00:09:26,646 I usually get five, to be honest. - Five Gold Runs? 176 00:09:26,774 --> 00:09:29,447 But you know you have to answer loads of questions before...? 177 00:09:29,574 --> 00:09:31,292 Yeah, I do. - You'd get them all?. 178 00:09:32,414 --> 00:09:35,565 Give me one of the ones you had. Fingers on the buzzers. 179 00:09:35,694 --> 00:09:37,685 Um... OK. 180 00:09:37,814 --> 00:09:43,013 Right. Which Y was... Which Y had a hit single with 'The Only Way is Up' 181 00:09:43,134 --> 00:09:45,443 and sang with Plastio Population? - Yazoo! 182 00:09:45,574 --> 00:09:47,246 Yazz. - Yup. 183 00:09:47,374 --> 00:09:48,727 You said Yazoo. - I know. 184 00:09:48,854 --> 00:09:51,288 What's your cut-off point? Yazz. 185 00:09:51,414 --> 00:09:54,053 But you said Yazoo first. You would have got it wrong on Blockbusters. 186 00:09:54,174 --> 00:09:57,450 I wouldn't have said that on Blockbusters - You'd have been all right, then. 187 00:09:57,574 --> 00:09:59,326 I'll give you one. 188 00:10:08,134 --> 00:10:10,011 Do you want a hand? - no, no. 189 00:10:12,374 --> 00:10:15,093 Are you getting it?. - Yeah. it's a tiny bit loud. 190 00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:16,488 Sorry. 191 00:10:16,614 --> 00:10:18,172 Can I have it when you've finished? 192 00:10:18,294 --> 00:10:20,171 Yeah. - When will you be finished? 193 00:10:20,294 --> 00:10:23,047 I don't know. Maybe we could share it. 194 00:10:23,174 --> 00:10:26,928 OK. I'll just have it on weekends... - OK. 195 00:10:30,734 --> 00:10:34,522 This is taking forever... - no, it was going to be what D, 196 00:10:34,654 --> 00:10:37,293 and the answer was going to be Dostoyevsky. 197 00:10:37,414 --> 00:10:39,803 I couldn't think of the question. - All right. 198 00:10:39,934 --> 00:10:43,131 What D was a Russian dissident who wrote the novel 'Crime and Punishment'? 199 00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:46,402 Would you have got that? - I'd have had a guess. 200 00:10:46,534 --> 00:10:48,411 You don't get prizes for guessing. 201 00:10:49,494 --> 00:10:50,768 Unlucky. 202 00:10:50,894 --> 00:10:52,168 See you later. 203 00:10:57,574 --> 00:11:00,042 You can't come in here. Quiz offcials only. 204 00:11:00,174 --> 00:11:02,927 What are you doing? - i'm doing the questions. 205 00:11:03,054 --> 00:11:05,727 Got out or i'll reprrt you. - Are these the questions? 206 00:11:05,854 --> 00:11:08,971 Do not look at thosei Right. You're disqualified. 207 00:11:09,094 --> 00:11:12,052 Gareth, we're having an argument. We need your help. 208 00:11:12,174 --> 00:11:14,768 not interested. - no. You can help. 209 00:11:14,894 --> 00:11:16,566 no. i haven't got time to help. 210 00:11:16,694 --> 00:11:19,333 Right. it's about the army. - Go on, then, quick. 211 00:11:19,454 --> 00:11:21,126 i was wondering 212 00:11:21,254 --> 00:11:24,212 if a military man like you - 213 00:11:24,334 --> 00:11:26,211 a soldier - 214 00:11:26,334 --> 00:11:29,929 could you give a man a lethal blow?. 215 00:11:31,054 --> 00:11:34,046 if i was forced to. i could if it was absolutely necessary. 216 00:11:34,254 --> 00:11:36,245 if he was attacking me. 217 00:11:36,374 --> 00:11:39,013 if he was coming really hard. 218 00:11:39,854 --> 00:11:41,845 Yeah. if my life was in danger, yeah. 219 00:11:42,534 --> 00:11:45,571 And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke 220 00:11:45,694 --> 00:11:47,969 or could you take a man from behind? 221 00:11:48,174 --> 00:11:49,926 Either way is easy. - Either way. 222 00:11:50,054 --> 00:11:52,363 And so you could do a man from behind? 223 00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:54,849 Yeah. - Yeah. Lovely. 224 00:12:05,054 --> 00:12:09,684 it's got an error - an offline error 324. 225 00:12:09,814 --> 00:12:11,964 So i'm going to have to take the paper out. 226 00:12:12,814 --> 00:12:14,167 That comes out. 227 00:12:14,294 --> 00:12:15,613 Hiya. - Hiya. 228 00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:20,091 Do you know anything about these? it's got an offline 243 error. 229 00:12:20,214 --> 00:12:22,887 no... - i don't really know what that is. 230 00:12:23,014 --> 00:12:26,643 You know we were talking earlier about Dostoyevsky?. 231 00:12:26,774 --> 00:12:29,493 Oh, yeah? - Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky. 232 00:12:29,934 --> 00:12:33,893 Born 1821. Died 1881. - That's right. 233 00:12:34,014 --> 00:12:37,290 Just interested in him being exiled in Siberia for four years. 234 00:12:37,414 --> 00:12:40,963 Well, i don't know much about that. i didn't cover it, really. 235 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:44,769 All it is is that he was a member of a secret prlitical party, 236 00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:48,204 and thay put him in a Siberian labour camp for four years, 237 00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:49,972 so... you know. 238 00:12:51,214 --> 00:12:53,444 Hang on. i read about it in er... 239 00:12:54,294 --> 00:12:55,852 He wrote 'House of the Dead'. 240 00:12:55,974 --> 00:12:58,932 i think he put all his memoirs in that. 241 00:13:00,094 --> 00:13:01,493 Didn't he? 242 00:13:02,254 --> 00:13:03,528 Yup. 243 00:13:05,174 --> 00:13:06,493 Oh, well 244 00:13:10,214 --> 00:13:13,092 So... you've dug your foxhole, 245 00:13:13,214 --> 00:13:14,966 and you've pitched your tent... 246 00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:17,050 thay've discovered your camp, 247 00:13:17,174 --> 00:13:21,008 and you're lying there, thay've caught you with your trousers down, 248 00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:24,331 and thay've all entered your hole without you knowing. 249 00:13:24,454 --> 00:13:26,251 no, because i'd be ready for them. 250 00:13:26,374 --> 00:13:28,524 You'd be lying there waiting for it?. 251 00:13:28,654 --> 00:13:31,851 Yeah. Well, no. it's more likely that i wouldn't be there 252 00:13:31,974 --> 00:13:33,612 if i knew thay knew where i was. 253 00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:37,124 i'd be hiding, watching the hole, using it as a trap. 254 00:13:37,254 --> 00:13:41,088 You'd be using your hole as bait?. - Yeah. 255 00:13:41,294 --> 00:13:44,764 You're 30, and you're getting off on pretending Gareth's gay. 256 00:13:46,334 --> 00:13:47,608 What?. 257 00:13:47,734 --> 00:13:49,008 What?. i 258 00:13:49,814 --> 00:13:51,964 i think she's been on the waccy baccyi 259 00:13:57,494 --> 00:13:59,405 Oh... what's that?. 260 00:14:02,774 --> 00:14:05,732 it's very complicated. Open that put that in there, 261 00:14:05,854 --> 00:14:08,243 put that down there, and you... 262 00:14:08,374 --> 00:14:10,490 Hiya. - .. push the grean button. 263 00:14:10,614 --> 00:14:13,686 Were we talking about Dostoyevsky's 'House of the Dead'? 264 00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:18,010 Yeah. i think we mentioned it. - Which he wrote in 1862. 265 00:14:18,134 --> 00:14:21,809 i was just going to say that it wasn't his first major work. 266 00:14:21,934 --> 00:14:23,208 Wasn't it?. 267 00:14:23,334 --> 00:14:26,212 no. His first major work was 'notes from the Underground,' 268 00:14:26,334 --> 00:14:28,723 which he wrote in St Petersburg in 1859. 269 00:14:28,854 --> 00:14:30,333 Really?. - Yup. Definitely. 270 00:14:30,454 --> 00:14:33,810 Well, of course, my favourite is 'The Raw Youth'. 271 00:14:33,934 --> 00:14:36,767 it's basically where Dostoyevsky goes on to explain 272 00:14:36,894 --> 00:14:40,887 how science can't really find answers for the deeper human need. 273 00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,333 He does. 274 00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:49,805 it ain't going to be a flashy wedding. 275 00:14:49,934 --> 00:14:51,652 Heaven forbid. - no. 276 00:14:51,774 --> 00:14:54,083 it'lljust be a rogistry offce. Save monay. 277 00:14:54,214 --> 00:14:56,808 Then we'll move in with my mum for a few months. 278 00:14:56,934 --> 00:14:58,208 Save on rent. - Yeah. 279 00:14:58,334 --> 00:15:00,404 Let Dawn get a few kiddies under her belt. 280 00:15:00,614 --> 00:15:03,253 Which'll be nice because my mum can look after them. 281 00:15:03,374 --> 00:15:06,730 Then you'll probably get a part-time cleaning job or something. 282 00:15:06,854 --> 00:15:08,890 Got to dream a dream. 283 00:15:10,134 --> 00:15:11,408 What's that?. 284 00:15:11,534 --> 00:15:13,809 i was just laughing at what Dawn said. 285 00:15:13,934 --> 00:15:16,448 As you're such a big high flyer. - no. 286 00:15:16,574 --> 00:15:18,565 i was laughing at herjoke, that's all 287 00:15:18,694 --> 00:15:21,367 When you get a life, you can take the mickay out of ours. 288 00:15:21,494 --> 00:15:24,452 i'm not having a go. - no, it doesn't matter. 289 00:15:24,574 --> 00:15:27,486 i don't mean to have a go at you. You're fine. no worries. 290 00:15:27,614 --> 00:15:29,605 We've all had a coffee. - no worries. 291 00:15:32,574 --> 00:15:34,371 is it questions? 292 00:15:34,494 --> 00:15:36,485 is it an intro? What i'm saying is... 293 00:15:36,614 --> 00:15:38,047 Oii Finchyi 294 00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:40,691 When's it due? 295 00:15:40,814 --> 00:15:42,805 Here we go. Fasten your seatbelts. 296 00:15:42,934 --> 00:15:45,767 There's not one big enoughi - All bought and paid for. 297 00:15:45,894 --> 00:15:49,443 i'm not saying he's fat but when he jumps in the air, he gats stuck. 298 00:15:49,894 --> 00:15:52,533 i'm David Brent. i'm David Brent. 299 00:15:52,654 --> 00:15:54,610 Jim Carrey on acidi 300 00:15:54,814 --> 00:15:57,567 You know what thay say, there's none so queer as folk. 301 00:15:57,774 --> 00:16:00,288 Or David Brent. - Oh, speak to yourself... 302 00:16:00,414 --> 00:16:02,803 Spit it out - as your boyfriend said last nighti 303 00:16:02,934 --> 00:16:05,812 i was just going to say that. - i don't have a boyfriend. 304 00:16:05,934 --> 00:16:07,765 Can't get a word in edgewaysi - A what?. 305 00:16:07,894 --> 00:16:10,089 Ooh, matroni - You can have that one, lad. 306 00:16:10,214 --> 00:16:11,886 Oh, that one always... 307 00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:13,333 Oh, God. 308 00:16:13,934 --> 00:16:15,208 Finchy. 309 00:16:22,894 --> 00:16:24,725 Come and chock out the opposition. 310 00:16:26,614 --> 00:16:28,605 Ricky, this is Chris. - Hello, mate. 311 00:16:28,734 --> 00:16:31,123 Chris Finch. i heard about 'Blockbusters'. 312 00:16:31,254 --> 00:16:34,803 You'll need more than that tonight. i heard about you and Dostoyevsky. 313 00:16:34,934 --> 00:16:38,404 i read a book a week, so a question like that won't catch me out. 314 00:16:38,534 --> 00:16:41,492 While you're down there, love... i - Close, but harmless. 315 00:16:41,614 --> 00:16:44,492 give me half hour with her, i'll be up to my nuts in guts. 316 00:16:44,614 --> 00:16:47,253 Sorry. Exactly which books do you read avery week? 317 00:16:47,694 --> 00:16:49,491 Science... Science and nature. 318 00:16:49,614 --> 00:16:52,606 Everything on the Trivia board. Allthose subjects. 319 00:16:52,734 --> 00:16:54,053 in books. 320 00:16:54,174 --> 00:16:57,325 This lot sound like thay haven't read a book between themi 321 00:16:57,454 --> 00:17:00,207 College boys. - Bloody students. Waste of space. 322 00:17:00,414 --> 00:17:04,202 'Oh, i don't do anything all day, but i need more monay to do it. ' 323 00:17:04,334 --> 00:17:05,608 Political. 324 00:17:05,734 --> 00:17:08,202 Yeah. i had a job when i was studying, so... 325 00:17:09,094 --> 00:17:11,005 Yeah, righti And what was yourjob? 326 00:17:11,134 --> 00:17:13,853 Professorr in charge of watching 'Countdown' avery day?. 327 00:17:15,094 --> 00:17:18,643 That's clever and funny. i bloody hate him. That's why we get on. 328 00:17:20,094 --> 00:17:21,368 Similar. 329 00:17:22,254 --> 00:17:24,006 cMiCROPHOnE FEEDBACK) 330 00:17:26,654 --> 00:17:28,770 Can i have averyone's attention, please? 331 00:17:28,894 --> 00:17:32,773 Welcome to the SEVEnth annual Wernham Hogg quiz night. 332 00:17:32,894 --> 00:17:37,490 Current champions are this team here - The Dead Parrots. 333 00:17:37,614 --> 00:17:39,366 Fit enough to fly. - He sleaps. 334 00:17:39,494 --> 00:17:42,770 if you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up daisiesi 335 00:17:43,374 --> 00:17:44,648 Monty Python. 336 00:17:45,614 --> 00:17:48,082 Question one. All right... - Hang on. 337 00:17:48,214 --> 00:17:50,011 David, we haven't... 338 00:17:50,134 --> 00:17:52,773 Oh, yeah. Tim's birthday today. 339 00:17:52,894 --> 00:17:54,930 He's 30 years young - as i always say. 340 00:17:59,414 --> 00:18:02,451 So what better way to celebrate than a battele of wits? 341 00:18:02,574 --> 00:18:03,893 Speechi 342 00:18:05,454 --> 00:18:07,092 OK. Question one... 343 00:18:07,214 --> 00:18:09,569 in the mid 1960s, 344 00:18:09,694 --> 00:18:12,731 the U.S. Army replaced all existing infantry guns 345 00:18:12,934 --> 00:18:17,724 with the M-16 rifle, and which fixed-rate, repeat-fire machine gun? 346 00:18:17,854 --> 00:18:20,812 You what?. - Write the answer if you know it. 347 00:18:21,454 --> 00:18:22,728 next. 348 00:18:22,854 --> 00:18:26,449 We've been quiz champions forsixyears now. 349 00:18:26,574 --> 00:18:29,293 We nearly lost it two years ago, unjustly. 350 00:18:29,414 --> 00:18:32,406 Gareth was quizmaster then and the question was, 351 00:18:32,534 --> 00:18:35,685 what type of alien is Mr Spock? 352 00:18:35,814 --> 00:18:38,851 Everyone put Vulcan, which is incorrect. 353 00:18:39,774 --> 00:18:44,245 Mr Spock is half Vulcan, half human, OK?. 354 00:18:44,374 --> 00:18:46,888 And Gareth went, 'Oh, averyone gats one print,' 355 00:18:47,014 --> 00:18:49,084 but i said, 'no, averyone does noti 356 00:18:49,214 --> 00:18:52,206 'Carpet Munchers don't get a print, Dr Wankenstein doesn't. 357 00:18:52,334 --> 00:18:54,529 'Steven Hawking's Football Boots don't. i do. ' 358 00:18:54,694 --> 00:18:57,288 i had to go home to get a book to prove it. 359 00:18:57,414 --> 00:19:01,293 Thay went, 'Oh, yeah, you're right. Well done. You've won. Sorry'. 360 00:19:01,414 --> 00:19:04,133 no aprlogies necessary. Let's get on with the quiz. 361 00:19:05,254 --> 00:19:07,085 Remember. Learn. 362 00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:09,452 OK. Question two. 363 00:19:09,574 --> 00:19:11,485 in the song '19' hy Paul Hardcastle, 364 00:19:11,614 --> 00:19:15,573 he told us that the average age of a soldier in the Vietnam war was 19. 365 00:19:15,774 --> 00:19:19,289 Hardcastle also told us the average age of a soldier 366 00:19:19,414 --> 00:19:21,564 in the Second World War. What was it?. 367 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,969 Gareth, are allthese going to be about war?. 368 00:19:24,094 --> 00:19:25,573 no. i got loads of... 369 00:19:25,694 --> 00:19:28,891 i got one on tennis, one on the Suez Canal. Loads. 370 00:19:30,774 --> 00:19:32,332 OK. Question threa. 371 00:19:32,454 --> 00:19:35,924 Which canal links the Mediterranean with the Red Sea? 372 00:19:37,094 --> 00:19:40,643 Oh, i don't want to talk about Mr Spock. That was sorted out then. 373 00:19:41,454 --> 00:19:44,605 Questions were asked. Certain parties weren't happy. 374 00:19:44,734 --> 00:19:47,202 The questions were solved. End of discussion. 375 00:19:47,334 --> 00:19:49,211 All right?. Don't rake up old graves. 376 00:19:50,134 --> 00:19:52,250 i don't want to go through allthat again - 377 00:19:52,374 --> 00:19:55,207 whether he's a Vulcan or a human or vice versa. 378 00:19:56,214 --> 00:19:58,967 All i will say is what i said at the time. OK?. 379 00:19:59,094 --> 00:20:00,652 Look at his ears. 380 00:20:01,254 --> 00:20:05,964 How could you confuse Howard Jones with nick Kershaw?. Shame on you. 381 00:20:06,094 --> 00:20:09,689 nick Kershaw's the little bloke... - Howard Jones has the... 382 00:20:09,894 --> 00:20:11,885 That round's about old entertainment. 383 00:20:12,014 --> 00:20:13,732 it's about old entertainment. 384 00:20:13,854 --> 00:20:16,766 it's all about late '60s, early 70s. 385 00:20:16,974 --> 00:20:20,808 Which insect produces gossamer?. - Sshhi Come on, man. 386 00:20:20,934 --> 00:20:23,084 Which insect produces gossamer?. - What?. 387 00:20:23,214 --> 00:20:25,284 i want you to answer, Finchyi - What is it?. 388 00:20:25,494 --> 00:20:26,847 it's a spider. 389 00:20:26,974 --> 00:20:29,329 A spider is an arachnid and not an insect. 390 00:20:29,454 --> 00:20:31,410 Ha, yesi - Six legs or eight legs. 391 00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:33,650 Thank you. Am i right?. - Two out. 392 00:20:33,854 --> 00:20:35,367 Shame on you. 393 00:20:36,934 --> 00:20:40,483 Hai Eight legs, six legs. Eight legs, six legs. 394 00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:44,050 You just need to spend a few a terms at the university of life. 395 00:20:44,174 --> 00:20:47,211 A spider is not an insect offcially. 396 00:20:47,334 --> 00:20:50,690 cRick) We'll see, we'll see. We'll see when this is over. 397 00:20:51,054 --> 00:20:54,603 People go, 'Why is it imprrtant, a question about Mr Spock?' 398 00:20:54,734 --> 00:20:58,852 i go, 'it's like saying, i've got a new pedigrea dog breed. 399 00:20:58,974 --> 00:21:01,010 'it's half Alsatian, half labrador'. 400 00:21:01,134 --> 00:21:04,809 i go to Crufts, 'Can i enter this dog in the labrador section?' 401 00:21:04,934 --> 00:21:08,051 'no. ' 'Why?. ' 'Because it's not a labrador. ' 'Correct. ' 402 00:21:08,174 --> 00:21:10,642 'Can i enter it in the Alsatian section?' 'no. ' 403 00:21:10,774 --> 00:21:12,605 'Got that dog out of my sight. ' 404 00:21:12,734 --> 00:21:15,202 'Thanks, i will You've proved my print. ' 405 00:21:16,614 --> 00:21:18,206 And that's Crufts. 406 00:21:19,934 --> 00:21:23,131 Who had a hit single with 'Don't Speak'? 407 00:21:25,014 --> 00:21:28,245 no Doubt. i thought it might be no Doubt. 408 00:21:28,374 --> 00:21:30,729 Why did you say Four non Blondes, then? 409 00:21:30,854 --> 00:21:32,924 i got Hooty the Blowfish, so let's move on. 410 00:21:34,134 --> 00:21:36,090 East... East Side. 411 00:21:37,614 --> 00:21:38,888 Oi. 412 00:21:39,014 --> 00:21:40,732 i didn't know. - You do know. 413 00:21:40,854 --> 00:21:42,333 Didn't know. 414 00:21:46,494 --> 00:21:48,086 Missed. - Did i? 415 00:21:49,214 --> 00:21:51,774 i said no Doubt. it's the first thing that came in. 416 00:21:51,894 --> 00:21:53,964 Then you're putting this thing in my mind. 417 00:21:54,094 --> 00:21:56,654 Poison with your bloody Four non Blondes. 418 00:21:56,774 --> 00:21:58,765 Eh? - Both good groups. 419 00:21:58,894 --> 00:22:00,532 Just don't guess. 420 00:22:00,654 --> 00:22:02,326 Think logical. Think. 421 00:22:02,454 --> 00:22:04,490 There's no logio to music, it's art. 422 00:22:06,294 --> 00:22:08,489 is this the first time you've lost?. 423 00:22:08,614 --> 00:22:10,684 The right questions aren't coming up. 424 00:22:10,814 --> 00:22:12,850 isn't it supposed to be random? 425 00:22:13,054 --> 00:22:14,772 Yeah. Randomly awful. 426 00:22:14,974 --> 00:22:17,886 i'll choose the questions. - Good quizmaster. 427 00:22:18,014 --> 00:22:19,686 Choose a topic - Sprrt. 428 00:22:19,814 --> 00:22:22,123 What's the capital of iceland? - Raykjavik. 429 00:22:22,254 --> 00:22:25,485 is that still a sprrt?. - All right. You. Capital of Borneo? 430 00:22:25,614 --> 00:22:27,605 i don't care. - See? it doesn't have one. 431 00:22:27,734 --> 00:22:30,123 You didn't get any of those. cMOBiLE RinGS) 432 00:22:30,254 --> 00:22:33,724 And thay were random, yeah. - it wasn't really random. 433 00:22:33,854 --> 00:22:35,207 cDAViD) Hello, Doctor. 434 00:22:36,614 --> 00:22:38,411 He's asking after me? 435 00:22:38,534 --> 00:22:42,129 no. There's no way i can get away now. i'm snowed under at work. 436 00:22:43,014 --> 00:22:45,482 Can't you give him something to help him sleap? 437 00:22:45,614 --> 00:22:47,286 OK. Yeah. 438 00:22:47,414 --> 00:22:49,723 OK. Thanks. Oh... 439 00:22:49,854 --> 00:22:53,449 You don't know who sang 'in the Summertime' do you? 440 00:22:54,134 --> 00:22:57,365 Mungo Jerry. OK. Yup, yup. Cheers. 441 00:23:06,854 --> 00:23:10,290 Ha hai Very funny. Do you want to hear the results or not?. 442 00:23:11,294 --> 00:23:15,287 OK. in position number four, Universally Challenged. 443 00:23:21,494 --> 00:23:23,485 Third place goes to... 444 00:23:24,534 --> 00:23:26,047 Malcolm and Dennisi 445 00:23:28,374 --> 00:23:31,605 Er, which means that... Well.. 446 00:23:33,654 --> 00:23:37,567 it's a dead heat between the Dead Parrots and The Tits. 447 00:23:37,814 --> 00:23:39,850 So tie-breaker situation. 448 00:23:39,974 --> 00:23:43,171 Send one member of each of your teams up for a tie-breaker. 449 00:23:45,494 --> 00:23:49,248 All right. Come and stand here. Tie-breaker question. Are you ready?. 450 00:23:49,454 --> 00:23:52,093 First person to shout out the correct answer wins. 451 00:23:52,214 --> 00:23:53,806 All right?. So, if you're ready. 452 00:23:53,934 --> 00:23:57,813 Which Shakespeare play features a character called Caliban? 453 00:23:57,934 --> 00:23:59,925 'Macbeth. ' - no. Ricky?. 454 00:24:00,054 --> 00:24:02,966 'Midsummer night's Dream. ' 'Hamlet. ' - You've had your go. 455 00:24:03,094 --> 00:24:06,530 You said the first person to shout the answer. You didn't say you only had one chance. 456 00:24:06,654 --> 00:24:08,849 'The Tempest. ' - 'The Tempest. ' He's got it. 457 00:24:08,974 --> 00:24:12,284 There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, the winners. 458 00:24:12,414 --> 00:24:13,847 That's Blockbusters. 459 00:24:14,974 --> 00:24:17,090 You didn't say you only had one go. 460 00:24:17,214 --> 00:24:20,092 You said the first person to shout out the answer wins. 461 00:24:20,214 --> 00:24:22,205 First person. That's my print. 462 00:24:45,094 --> 00:24:47,927 Here he is. Chris Finch. Or is it Hamlot? Is it Macbeth? 463 00:24:48,054 --> 00:24:51,649 I'll write the questions next time and you can have this fat bastard. 464 00:24:51,774 --> 00:24:53,412 Banter. - no, it's not banter. 465 00:24:53,534 --> 00:24:56,253 not now. - OK. When we had the question, 466 00:24:56,374 --> 00:24:59,525 name the Cuban leader who's been in power since 1959... 467 00:24:59,654 --> 00:25:02,327 Fidel Castro. - You know it now. What did you say?. 468 00:25:02,454 --> 00:25:05,924 it's in that situation... - Tellthem. What did you say then? 469 00:25:06,054 --> 00:25:07,851 What did you say then? Go on. 470 00:25:11,494 --> 00:25:12,927 Who's the Cuban leader?. 471 00:25:14,174 --> 00:25:15,448 Fray Bentos. 472 00:25:15,574 --> 00:25:19,044 no wonder this place is going down the pan. You're a waste of space. 473 00:25:19,174 --> 00:25:21,324 Don't get at him just 'cause thay beat you. 474 00:25:21,454 --> 00:25:23,206 Thay beat me? - Yes. 475 00:25:23,334 --> 00:25:25,529 i could list 50 things i could beat them at. 476 00:25:25,654 --> 00:25:27,485 Like what?. - Throwing. 477 00:25:27,614 --> 00:25:29,491 Throwing. no. That's good. 478 00:25:29,614 --> 00:25:32,128 The landlord of the Lamb pub in Chichester 479 00:25:32,254 --> 00:25:35,724 challenges me to throw one of these copper kettles over his pub. 480 00:25:35,854 --> 00:25:38,527 So i take off my tie, tie it to the handle... 481 00:25:40,494 --> 00:25:41,768 Did it go over?. 482 00:25:43,574 --> 00:25:47,089 Obviously. That's actually an offciaITerritoriaIArmy method 483 00:25:47,294 --> 00:25:50,843 if you're in the jungle, except you'd use vines from the treas. 484 00:25:50,974 --> 00:25:54,125 Or a kettle? - No, the equivalent. Coconut. 485 00:25:54,254 --> 00:25:57,007 i willthrow anything you choose over this building. 486 00:25:57,134 --> 00:25:59,329 If i do it, we win the quiz. - New challenge. 487 00:25:59,454 --> 00:26:01,365 Double or quits. - it's a challenge. 488 00:26:01,494 --> 00:26:04,292 So if he can throw it over, we've won the champagne, 489 00:26:04,414 --> 00:26:07,247 and that was the real quiz. - Choose one thing. 490 00:26:07,454 --> 00:26:10,127 You really are a couple of sad little men. 491 00:26:10,254 --> 00:26:12,893 He's thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done? 492 00:26:13,014 --> 00:26:15,005 Do you want a challenge or not? 493 00:26:15,134 --> 00:26:17,443 If i do it, we win the quiz and the prize. 494 00:26:17,574 --> 00:26:19,246 That's the real quiz. 495 00:26:19,374 --> 00:26:20,966 Choose something. 496 00:26:21,094 --> 00:26:24,291 A chair? - No, not a chair. 497 00:26:24,414 --> 00:26:26,325 Throw Gareth over. - no, seriously... 498 00:26:26,454 --> 00:26:28,684 How about birthday boy?. Throw him over. 499 00:26:28,894 --> 00:26:30,725 Throw his shoes over. - His shoes. 500 00:26:30,854 --> 00:26:32,845 No, no. 501 00:26:33,054 --> 00:26:35,045 it's just a challenge. 502 00:26:36,254 --> 00:26:38,210 Tickle him. Tickle him. 503 00:26:43,334 --> 00:26:46,326 Using the tie method? - Oh, no. The shoelaces. 504 00:26:46,454 --> 00:26:49,287 He's using the laces. - Bastard, i knew he would. 505 00:26:49,414 --> 00:26:50,688 That'll work. 506 00:26:50,894 --> 00:26:52,168 So, Finch... 507 00:26:53,094 --> 00:26:56,086 Thank you very much... - You'll get it back. 508 00:26:59,294 --> 00:27:02,366 How are we going to know if it goes over?. 509 00:27:02,494 --> 00:27:04,485 Go and chock. Sussed. Go on. 510 00:27:04,694 --> 00:27:06,685 Right. Here we go. 511 00:27:07,934 --> 00:27:11,051 Two... and threa... and four... 512 00:27:12,614 --> 00:27:15,208 Hooray. - Oh, yes. 513 00:27:15,414 --> 00:27:16,893 Looking good. 514 00:27:17,014 --> 00:27:19,130 Come on now. - Did it go over?. 515 00:27:19,254 --> 00:27:21,722 Did it go over?. - Yeah. it came right past me. 516 00:27:23,814 --> 00:27:25,088 The Wonder Horsei 517 00:27:25,214 --> 00:27:26,966 Screw 'Blockbusters'. 518 00:27:27,094 --> 00:27:29,483 Screw Bob Holness and screw your Gold Run. 519 00:27:29,614 --> 00:27:31,684 I'm a loser. - You're shit, you're shiti 520 00:27:31,814 --> 00:27:33,770 That's the boss. - Yes, i am the boss. 521 00:27:33,894 --> 00:27:36,408 Like Springsteen. Born to run. The Slough branch. 522 00:27:36,534 --> 00:27:39,207 Your university education didn't help you there. 523 00:27:39,334 --> 00:27:41,928 Let that be a lessorn to you. Respect your elders 524 00:27:42,054 --> 00:27:43,965 and do not fuck with the big boys. 525 00:27:44,094 --> 00:27:45,846 Lifei Lifei - Chuck his hat over. 526 00:27:45,974 --> 00:27:47,965 No, don't. It's a radio as well 527 00:27:51,454 --> 00:27:53,206 What an offce. What an office. 528 00:28:02,134 --> 00:28:04,887 Do you want any...? - Come on. See you, Tim. 529 00:28:06,534 --> 00:28:08,092 See you later.