All right.
Dreyf, please don't give me that look.
You can't go to england with us.
Now, the airline only allows you
to check 70-pound items.
They'd have to cut you in half.
Ooh, I'm going to miss you so much.
You know that?
Yeah, but Laverne will take good care of you.
Girls, please, come on. We're going to be late.
- You're ready. - Ready.
Ready to visit the castle, which bears our name.
Ready to accept my place among the aristocracy.
God, I was born ready.
You were also born with eleven toes.
That just means there's more of me to love.
Girls, look now. This is very important to me.
I'm going to receive the sword of Weston
on behalf of my father,
and I want the both of you to act like...
Pick any two people who act normal, all right?
Hey, westons.
Oh. Charley, come on. We're out the door.
Please, what do you want?
Just one little thing before you go.
Please, take me to england with you.
Please. Please.
Please.
- No. - Oh, come on, Harry.
I always had this dream to stroll along the thames,
hear big Ben on a foggy night,
and most of all, boink Mary poppins.
Charley, as beautiful a dream as that is,
you cannot be there.
This is a reunion for the Weston family only.
Come on. There you go, the cab.
Let's go. Come on.
- Shotgun! - Oh, come on.
Charley, you pay attention to me.
Now, Laverne's going to come over to watch dreyfuss.
Don't bother her. I'm warning you.
She's going through a very rough divorce,
and she's lonely, and she's very, very vulnerable.
- Gotcha. - All right.
We'll see you. Bye-bye, Charles.
- Bye-bye. - All right.
Divorced, lonely, vulnerable.
If it's so wrong,
why do you make it so easy?
♪ Life goes on and so do we ♪
♪ Just how we do it is no mystery ♪
♪ Sometimes the answer can be hard to find ♪
♪ Hard to find
♪ that's something I will never be ♪
♪ I'm always here for anything you need ♪
♪ Anything you need
♪ rain or shine, I'll be the one ♪
♪ To share it all as life goes on ♪
♪ We share it all as life goes on ♪
Way to go, Carol. You broke the door knocker.
- Shut up. - Stop it, the two of you.
Come on, we'll just go inside.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Look at this!
This place is great.
Oh, these are our roots, girls.
This is where it all began.
Somebody really ought to do something about that moat.
It smells like the men's room at a Peter frampton concert.
I wonder where everybody is.
Look. Hey, maybe I should... I should ring.
Hey, check these guys out.
My, god. These are our forefathers.
Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
- What? - It's uncanny.
What?
Do you know these guys look like?
Yes, me.
No, not you.
They look like Boris karloff.
Come on. They don't look like anybody.
They're very, very handsome though.
Oh, dear. Dear. Dear.
Pinch me, I'm dreaming.
- Who are you? - I'm basil, madam.
Your... Butler. Well, how do you do?
I'm doctor Harry Weston. These are my daughters.
This is Carol and Barbara. Ooh, our very own Butler.
We bring you tidings from the colonies.
Oh, tidings. You want to bring me something?
Bring me a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Can't pass out on tidings, now, can I?
She broke your knocker, too.
Oh, not to worry,
you have merely destroyed an object
forged in the 15th century.
It's priceless, irreplaceable.
We're here for the family reunion.
I know why you're here, sir.
Who do you think wrote out all the bloody invitations?
Have any other guests arrived?
Oh, full of questions, aren't we? Yes.
The entire family will be here tomorrow night.
- All except one. - Who's that?
Myself, sir. Not invited, sir.
- You're a Weston? - I'm a moretti.
My father was a Weston; Married Weston.
My mother, an Italian slut.
- I don't understand. - I'm like ray on Dallas.
Oh, you're a bastard.
Oh. Thank you, very much.
Well, that's horrible.
You mean to tell me you were ostracized
just because you were born out of wedlock?
That, and I have 11 toes.
Now then, the rules of the ceremony...
rules?
The banquet is tomorrow night
and begins when I ring the gong once,
signifying you have 15 minutes to get to the grand hall.
Two gongs, dinner begins; You receive the sword,
ya-da-da-da-Dee.
Three gongs, dinner is over.
Four gongs means you must vacate the castle immediately.
Do not steal the towels.
I am so excited.
I can't believe I'm getting the sword.
You're not alone there, sir.
Now, your rooms are the last two in the west wing.
Oh, yes.
If there is any way I can be of assistance,
please, please do not hesitate at all.
Basil, could you help me with my luggage?
Did you not hear the sarcastic tone in my voice?
Or are you simply stupid?
- Stupid. - Okay.
No, we'll find our own way.
Thanks. Come on, girls.
Let's go. Let's go.
I am king of all I survey.
King Harry. Off with their heads.
Nah, be good, king Harry. Put their heads back on.
Hey, Harry.
Charley, what the hell are you doing here?
Now, before you get all bent out of shape,
let me tell you why I showed up for this great occasion
when you specifically told me I wasn't welcome.
I'm waiting.
I'm thinking.
- Charley! - Okay. Okay.
You're my best friend in the whole world.
My only friend, actually.
And I wanted to be here for you on your special day.
How much is this little trip of yours
going to cost me, Charley? Nothing.
I put the whole thing on my visa card,
and then I declared chapter 11.
How did you get past basil?
I told him I was your illegitimate son.
Next thing I know, the guy's hugging me,
and showing me to the best room in the castle.
- Isn't that beautiful? - It's pitch black, Harry.
This precious stone set in the silver sea,
which serves it in the office of a wall.
This blessed plot, this earth, this realm,
this england.
I understood england.
This is the perfect way to spend my vacation, lurlene.
I don't have to go back to hickory,
and answer all them
"what happened to you and Nick" questions.
Because the answer is, I'm fine.
I am not lonely.
What?
We've been on the phone six hours?
They law, I better get some sleep then.
Hey... hey, lurlene, thanks for lendin' an ear.
Yeah. Okay.
Bye-bye.
Well, dreyfuss, may as well go to bed,
they's nothin' else to do with my life.
All right, 15 more minutes.
Oh, it's that David letterman stupid pet tricks.
Lordy, that's a good 'un.
Look at that pooch.
Now, wouldn't that be somethin' if you could do that?
I bet I could teach you.
Dreyfuss, we are gonna surprise the doctor.
You gonna learn to do the trick, ain't ya?
I'll take that as a yes.
Oh, I can't wait to get out into the countryside.
I'll just have basil bring the car around.
Oh, god, I've waited all my life
to have someone bring the car around.
Where should we go first?
Stonehenge.
The ancient assemblage of megaliths
erected by druids. Wait a minute.
I thought we were going to see rod Stewart's castle.
Whoa! Well, good afternoon, my princesses.
- Your lordship. - Hey, daddy.
Daddy, have you seen basil?
No... no... no... no. Where you girls off to?
- Stonehenge. - You want to come?
No. No, I think I just want to stroll
- around the grounds. - Cheerio.
- Later. - Okay.
Hey, don't forget, be home by first gong.
Well, I think I'll go down to the kennels
and unleash my hounds.
Then I'll go to the forest and warn my foxes.
Oh, my... my, let's all ring for the Butler,
then vanish into thin air.
Let's all play practical jokes.
Let's all bust the Butler's grenades, shall we?
Oh, madam seems to have forgotten her picnic basket.
Oh, dear.
Well, she'll soon be back for this.
Yes.
Are you okay?
Well, that's just great! I don't believe you!
No wonder you have a $4,000 deductible!
Is it my fault the stupid English
put the wheel on the wrong side of the car
and make you drive on the wrong side of the road?
You hit a tree that wasn't even on the road.
This would've never happened
if we would've gone where I wanted to go.
Oh, right, Barbara, we're going to drive
four hours to London to see the places
where Jack the ripper knifed his victims.
I don't knock your hobbies.
Would you go?
We're going to be late for the ceremony.
Fine.
How can I drive?
I can't see the steering wheel.
Uh! That felt good.
I bet Jack the ripper got started with his sister.
I accept this sword on behalf of my father,
Stanfield Weston.
God. God, this is so exciting.
Dad, you're going to be so proud.
Hey.
Whoa!
Hello?
Hello, anybody?
Oh, this is... anybody?
No... no... no... no. Oh. Oh.
Help.
Anybody, help?
Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
Uh! Argh!
I'm right back where I started from.
I've been walking in circles for hours.
I'm never going to get out of here.
You probably said the same thing.
God, here I am...
About to receive the sword of Weston for my father,
and I blew it.
Great. First gong.
Time to get ready, and I'm stuck down here.
Oh, my god.
Eleven toes.
Well, I see you still haven't moved
from your chair, dreyfuss Weston.
But I will not give up.
You will learn to ride this skateboard.
Now, come on down off that chair.
All right.
I'm gonna have to shame you into doin' this.
This is a real cat.
Don't you believe me?
Watch.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Come here.
Come to mama.
Okay, now watch.
Fluffy'll get up on the board.
Ain't that somethin'?
Cat's listenin'.
Cat's obeyin'.
Cat's real smart, dreyfuss.
Okay. Now, looky here.
Okay. On three.
One, two, three!
Okay, dreyfuss.
Now, you've seen what a cat can do.
Let's see you strut your stuff.
I swear you're like
the hairiest paperweight I have ever seen.
Whoops! Sorry.
I was looking for Harry Weston's room.
Oh, come. Come in.
Pour us two glasses of Brandy and bring me one, immediately.
Yes.
♪ I'm gonna score in england. ♪
Your gorgeousness.
You're wicked. I like you.
Baroness Daphne Weston.
Geh!
Geh?
Uh, yes.
Geh.
It's an American toast.
Well, then, geh.
Tell me, my good-looking young man,
do you have a title?
Charles, third Duke of dietz.
Oh.
Then you know it's not easy being aristocracy.
But the burdens we must bear.
Burdens.
Terrible burdens.
I mean, how many times a day can you say
"whip him till he bleeds"
and still feel really good about yourself?
Five.
Well, I got to go. I... i... i should find Harry.
Oh. Well, perhaps I can help you.
What does your friend, Harry, look like?
Well, he looks a lot like...
Geh!
Well, thanks for the vino.
No, you mustn't leave.
Yes, I must.
I, the baroness Daphne Weston, command you stay.
Stay, and have your way with me, and I with you.
Ooh!
Oh, you wouldn't... you...
You wouldn't want to have your way with me, my way.
Oh. Oh. Are you a Nancy boy?
A little more pressure, I'm there.
Let's find out. Oh, come, my silly Duke.
Oh, oh, you're going to tire me out
before you tire me out.
Damn.
The banquet begins; Come quickly.
My hand.
What about it?
Take it, you idiot.
That's better.
That's much better.
I see you bending to my will.
They all do... eventually.
Oh, my god.
I'm gonna score in england.
Don't! Silly!
You push off with the right foot and go.
Whee! Isn't this fun?
Nothin'.
Okay, that's it.
You win.
I am too tired to go on.
Laverne higby is a-throwin' in the towel.
Beat by a dog.
Daddy?
We missed him. I want to see stonehenge.
We'll have to meet daddy at the grand hall.
We don't know where it is.
Let's ask basil.
Oh, please. He calls himself a Butler?
Look at this; He doesn't even keep the room properly.
Carol, a secret passageway.
- Girls? - Daddy?
Don't come in here!
Daddy, what is this place?
I believe it's called a dungeon, dear.
Daddy, I know how boys like to explore dark places,
but don't you think we should go to the banquet?
- Yes. - Then why don't we?
- Because we're trapped. - We're trapped in a dungeon?
Cool.
Dammit! That's it. Three gongs.
The banquet's over.
The sword's been passed to somebody else.
My father's gonna kill me.
Well, this is terrible.
I mean, this whole thing's been for nothing.
We never even got to meet the family.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You know, maybe we're making too big a thing of all this.
I mean, we're here.
We got to see our ancestral home, our roots.
And we're together, as a family.
That's the important thing.
Dammit.
I want that sword. I want that sword so bad.
Dammit. Dammit.
Dammit.
What did four gongs mean again, daddy?
Everyone's leaving the castle.
Then we really are trapped.
Help! Help! Help!
Oh, where's my knight in shining armor?
Boy, I can't believe I sat in my mashed potatoes.
Charley, don't let that door close.
Hey, any jerk who's ever seen an abbott and costello movie
knows you don't walk through
a secret passage without jammin' it.
I got a chair holding it open.
Wait a minute, I got a surprise.
Ta-da! The sword of Weston.
Charley, how did you do it?
I got shanghaied to the banquet
by your cousin, Daphne.
By the way, she looks just like...
Geh.
Anyway, being your illegitimate son,
I received the sword in a beautiful ceremony.
Oh, this is wonderful... won...
Harry, Harry, let me give you the sword
the way it was given to me.
The first thing you do is you kneel.
The sword touches your right shoulder
to give you strength.
The sword touches your left shoulder,
so you may temper your strength with Patience.
The sword touches your head to give you wisdom.
Rise, sir Harry, keeper of the sword of Weston.
All right. Thank you.
- I am truly honored. - Ah!
That was beautiful. That was so touching.
Hello? Are there any westons down there?
Yes!
Basil, we're on our way up.
Oops.
Oh, being a bastard does have its little rewards.
Oh!
Come on. Cut it out.
Joke's over.
Let me go.
I'll call basil.
Oh, it's quite pointless.
I bribed the boob.
It's just you and I, my little Duke.
Just you and I.
Anything special I can do for you?
Yes.
Get me a blindfold.
- Geh. - Oh, geh!