1
00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:05,151
What's the matter?
2
00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:07,993
I wasn't 100% sure
you were coming back.
3
00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:10,674
You know, your flight landed
30 minutes ago.
4
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:12,591
My luggage was on
the wrong carousel.
5
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,238
Why wouldn't I come back?
6
00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:16,754
I don't know,
you're already on a plane
7
00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:18,592
and you have a passport.
8
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,114
You thought I'd hijacked a plane
to get away from you?
9
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:22,636
Did you miss me?
10
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,000
I was angry at
how much I missed you.
11
00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:27,593
I missed you too.
12
00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:29,159
Just the last two days though.
13
00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:30,719
(Chuckles)
14
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,234
- Did you watch porn?
- Yeah, absolutely.
15
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:37,472
But I would always take a pillow
and make a little Sharon out of it,
16
00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:40,358
that I would hug, while I watched.
17
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,192
(Laughs) I did the same.
18
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:43,793
Just, without the pillow.
19
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:45,950
It's actually really hard
for me to masturbate at the moment
20
00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:48,190
'cause I've got to
look over my belly to do it.
21
00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:51,670
And I know there's a baby in there,
so, it's kind of off-putting.
22
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,432
Like, you wouldn't want
to have a wank
23
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,238
if there were kids playing
in the background, you know?
24
00:00:55,320 --> 00:01:00,792
Yeah. Yeah. That's kind
of one my things, not doing that.
25
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:02,677
Did anyone try and convince you
to stay?
26
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,955
Yes! My friend Corey said,
27
00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:07,759
'I'll see you in six months
when it doesn't work out.'
28
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:09,478
Urgh!
29
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,596
I mean, that's given me
more motivation to make this work
30
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,830
than, even, the baby.
31
00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:15,831
Yeah?
32
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,114
Did you sort things out
with your mum?
33
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:17,916
No.
34
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,718
Not even close.
35
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,314
I can't believe
it's taken me 38 years
36
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,039
to realise that my mother
is a shit-bubble.
37
00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,953
(Laughs)
38
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:30,235
- Did you get your best man sorted?
- No.
39
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,754
Because I've got a maid of honour
now, so you have to.
40
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:34,592
Who's your maid of honour? Fran?
41
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,910
No! Although she did offer.
42
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,356
No, I got panicked one night
and asked my friend Kate from uni,
43
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:43,716
so she's gonna come over for a week
and hang out,
44
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:45,472
you know, have some fun.
45
00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:47,710
Does she know
that you're not fun anymore?
46
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:50,109
You're such a fucker.
47
00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:51,713
(Laughs)
48
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,553
I could ask your brother
to be my best man.
49
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,198
What would you think of that?
50
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:57,952
Well, yeah, you can ask him.
51
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,554
I mean, you barely know him.
52
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:02,676
Yeah, I barely know you.
53
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,353
It would be an honour.
54
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:09,873
Thank you.
55
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:13,236
Oh, I mean it.
You're part of this family now.
56
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,550
You've given my sister
something to live for.
57
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:17,198
- I'm not sure she...
- I love you, man.
58
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,271
I love you too, man.
59
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,351
- You're my brother.
- (Laughs)
60
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,915
Hey, Fergal.
61
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:27,958
- Are you drunk?
- Since Wednesday!
62
00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:30,270
(Sniffs) Jesus, what's in there?
63
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:32,271
It's Baileys, you pussy.
64
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:34,237
Mallandra's gone.
65
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,548
She... where?
66
00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:39,194
To Spain! With the kids.
67
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:40,315
But when she gets back...
68
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,709
...she wants a divorce.
69
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,268
She wants a fucking divorce!
70
00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:47,995
She's gonna take my kids!
71
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,674
- She's not gonna take your kids.
- Aaaargh!
72
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,274
And don't you have to agree
to let somebody divorce you?
73
00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,635
Don't let her divorce you,
and we'll fix it.
74
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:58,473
I really fucked up this time.
I mean.
75
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,950
I've got a problem.
I'm a fucking monster!
76
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:03,869
What did you do?
77
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,155
But thank you, thank you very much.
78
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,754
Your wedding is a week
before my court date,
79
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,070
so that'll give me something
to look forward to.
80
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:13,999
Do you want a smoothie?
81
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:19,116
(Women laughing)
82
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,792
Oh, there he is!
83
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,632
Rob, this is Kate, my maid of honour.
84
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,870
Kate, this is Rob,
the future Mr Sharon Morris.
85
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:25,915
Well, great to meet you, Kate.
86
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:30,636
- Sharon, can I just talk to you...
- I'm so happy to finally meet you!
87
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:32,836
It's great to meet you.
88
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,194
You know, you got a good one, here.
89
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:37,269
Even if you hadn't gotten
her pregnant, she'd be a catch!
90
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:40,790
You know, she got all the dick
back home.
91
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,199
(Laughs) Well, not all of it.
92
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,112
And we are gonna have
a legendary week.
93
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,873
(Laughs hysterically)
94
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,315
My first time away from the kids
in five years.
95
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,437
I don't miss them!
I fucking love London!
96
00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,431
(Laughs hysterically)
97
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:59,432
Can I just talk to you
for a quick second?
98
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:00,369
Yeah.
99
00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:06,000
Ripped By mstoll
100
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,951
She always annoying for the first
day or so, and then she-
101
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:09,678
No, no, it's not that.
102
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:11,478
Yeah, she's annoying but...
it's Fergal.
103
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:12,515
Is he not gonna do it?
104
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,955
No, he gonna do it,
but did he tell you...
105
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,031
- Tell me what?
...what he's done?
106
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,076
- What did he do?
- I don't know.
107
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:20,832
What are you asking me?
108
00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:22,319
Well, do you know
that Mallandra left him?
109
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,789
Yeah, she does that,
like, twice a year.
110
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,553
- Do you know why?
- Yes. Because he's a prick.
111
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,393
- No, I think it's worse than that.
- What are you talking about?
112
00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:33,153
I don't know, but there was
something in his eyes
113
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,470
that said,
'I've done something really bad.'
114
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,596
Something in his eyes?
115
00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:40,558
Look, I don't know, I just think
he may have hurt someone.
116
00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:43,598
I'm not saying he has a freezer
full of kid meat or anything.
117
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:46,717
Listen! I don't know
if you're stressed or what,
118
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,597
but you need to stop slandering
my brother,
119
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,318
and I need to stop ignoring
my visitor.
120
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:51,116
This is rude.
121
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:53,430
OK? We're both being very rude
at the moment.
122
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:57,149
Sorry, do you have soda cream?
Or something?
123
00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:00,437
It's just,
I got a Brazilian yesterday
124
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,351
and my pussy is on fire!
125
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:06,549
I'll get you some.
126
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:12,350
I'd like to introduce Rob Norris
to you all.
127
00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,829
Rob helped establish
Fry and Loeb in Boston.
128
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,230
He's also coached brands
wrestling with PR issues.
129
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:21,596
I guess you could say he's
sort of a perception engineer.
130
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,877
Rob, the floor is yours.
131
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,473
Thank you, Harita.
132
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,755
Well, the public are like toddlers.
133
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:34,311
They like shiny things, like scandal,
like astronauts maybe dying
134
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,436
because they took
Braeband's flagship drug.
135
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:39,273
So, we need to distract them
with something even shinier.
136
00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:43,035
And what if -
what if that shiny thing
137
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,111
could also be something truly good?
138
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,316
I'm sure I don't need
to tell you guys
139
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,755
what animal kills the most
people on earth every year.
140
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,713
- Sharks?
- No, it's not sharks.
141
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,519
It's the mosquito,
because of malaria.
142
00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:01,559
And who's treated more cases
of malaria in India than anyone else?
143
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:04,634
It's not sharks.
144
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:09,954
But it's not Braeband either,
it's the Dutch company, Nyromax.
145
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:11,758
- Now, what if Braeband were able to-
- Rob.
146
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:13,751
I'm just gonna interrupt you
for just a second here
147
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,149
and say your enthusiasm
is really something.
148
00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:18,470
- Well...
- Thank you so much.
149
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,551
Guys, this is what courage
looks like.
150
00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:22,437
Not some dusty old astronaut
151
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,193
whose kids are basically
committing libel.
152
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,870
You think she'll be much longer?
153
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,791
Why? Did you leave your
lip liner in there?
154
00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:34,110
- No, I do that in the cab.
- You look nice.
155
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:36,873
- Where are they taking you?
- Just for a steak, Manafuries.
156
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,110
- Oh, nice.
- Where are you guys off to?
157
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,031
Just gonna go for a pizza, I think,
and then...
158
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:41,836
Ready.
159
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:43,353
We're gonna take it easy, daddy.
160
00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:46,398
Just a couple glasses of wine,
bit of dancing,
161
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,755
half an E.
162
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:50,432
I probably won't do any E.
163
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:54,195
- Neither will I.
- Well, call me if you'd...
164
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,999
Have a great night!
165
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,353
What's up, cock munchers?
166
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,873
Pretty good, you know Chris?
167
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,473
Hey, man.
168
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,633
Get in.
169
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,711
- Wait. Are we not going for steaks?
- Get in!
170
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,869
Do you know what hospital
you're having the baby at?
171
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,190
- Um, St Thomas'.
- My daughters were born there.
172
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:30,759
- No way.
- Yeah, it's great.
173
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,718
My wife loved it.
She had a water birth there.
174
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,677
You should do that.
It just swims right out, it's easy.
175
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,798
- OK. I'll try that.
- You have beautiful eyes.
176
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,235
Sorry? What the fuck?
177
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,071
I think I wanna get out of here, now.
178
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,276
Me too.
179
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,954
See the guy I'm talking to?
180
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,952
He wants to show me his boat.
181
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:56,236
Imagine.
182
00:07:58,960 --> 00:07:59,915
So do you mind if I go?
183
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,718
Like, with him?
184
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:03,959
I'll be back in the morning.
185
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:05,598
I'll bring pastries.
186
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:08,592
I'm gonna go to the loo now, OK?
187
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:11,319
'Cause my baby is pushing down on my
bladder, and then we're gonna leave.
188
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:14,278
OK? So say good night to the vapist,
189
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,715
and I'll see you out the front
in five.
190
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:17,869
OK?
191
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:32,792
Good shit, huh?
192
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:37,271
Oh, you know, I wanna like it,
I mean, it's naked women. Great.
193
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:41,114
And dancing, which I also love,
so, two great things together,
194
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,829
but then you add a bunch
of sweaty guys and, you know, you,
195
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,558
leering at them,
196
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,119
and it's just kind of a bummer.
197
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,872
Yeah, sure, put this in her thong.
198
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,638
- Lenore?
- Chris!
199
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,792
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?
200
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,075
Yelp said you do a good onion ring.
201
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:03,633
You look fucking amazing.
202
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,790
Yeah, well, you put on an ounce
in this place
203
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,108
and they make you dance
for the Chinese lads.
204
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:10,033
- Oh, sure, sure.
- Fuck me!
205
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:11,872
Chris Beesley!
206
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,349
Gonna get your dinky stinky?
207
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:15,953
I don't know who that is.
208
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:19,358
Listen, I'm on the clock
but do you wanna buy a dance?
209
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,908
We could catch up.
210
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,797
Sure.
211
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,157
Alright...
212
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,629
Shhh! You're not allowed
to talk while they're dancing.
213
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:32,676
- I was just gonna...
- Shhhh.
214
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,798
Girls.
215
00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:40,598
And do you have any kids?
216
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,113
One boy.
217
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,919
Oh, I've got a boy.
And a little girl.
218
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,878
Two kids came out of there? Wow!
219
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:50,558
Well outdoors is alright,
220
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,995
but my fanny looks like
it stepped on a land mine.
221
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:55,116
(Laughs)
222
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:56,838
How long have you been
with your wife?
223
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:58,717
12 years, her name is Fran.
224
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,917
And does Fran not mind you coming
to places like this?
225
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,358
Not as long as I fuck her
when I get back home.
226
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:07,557
She doesn't know I'm here.
227
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:11,757
Listen, there's rooms out the back
that are a bit more private
228
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,353
if you want to, you know,
229
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,237
talk more.
230
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,834
I think I should get back
to the lads.
231
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,473
You sure?
232
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:25,154
No.
233
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,031
Oh, I left my bag inside.
234
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,553
I'll be one minute. Two minutes.
235
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,073
This bag?
236
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,196
You left this bag inside?
237
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:51,748
Oh! I wanna see the boat!
238
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:53,512
Look at me! Focus!
239
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,033
There's no boat!
240
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,998
There is a tiny flat
with a filthy mattress
241
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,116
and nose hair clippings in the sink.
242
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,077
I want a filthy mattress.
243
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,435
I want any mattress.
244
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:08,034
I'm not happy.
245
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:09,917
Oh, darling.
246
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,037
I am so sorry to hear that
but you are gonna be even less happy
247
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:17,113
if you get all cut up
and put in a bin bag. OK?
248
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,873
So come on, let's just go!
249
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,830
- (Onlookers gasp)
- Oh, fuck!
250
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,957
- Oh, my God!
- Shit! Did you just bang your head?
251
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:27,836
Are you...
252
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:29,436
I'm OK!
253
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,275
Urgh!
254
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,591
- Ah!
- Oh, fuck!
255
00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:38,830
- (Laughs)
- Just wait there! Don't move!
256
00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,354
I'll get some... don't move!
257
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:42,668
I need some help.
258
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,919
Have you got a first-aid kit
or something? She's banged her head!
259
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,798
Hello? I need an ambulance.
260
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,917
Where is the woman
that was lying there?
261
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,877
Where's the woman?
262
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:55,836
Kate?
263
00:11:58,120 --> 00:11:59,155
Kate?
264
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:01,669
Kate!
265
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,318
I wanna tell you what I did.
266
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,595
In the States you get
a lot more bang for your buck
267
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:08,433
'cause you can use your
dollar-dollar bills, y'all!
268
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,196
You've already given me, like, £300.
269
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,157
- Rob, Rob, I need to talk to you.
- Do you?
270
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,719
Do you now? I mean -
271
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,439
You can't really put a pound coin
down a dancer's g-string.
272
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,351
- It's just gonna fall out.
- I wanna tell you what happened.
273
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:20,236
What if you did?
274
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:21,715
What if you just took me
out of the loop...
275
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:22,710
I found out that Mallandra -
276
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,712
I threw a pound coin
on the stage once
277
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,597
and it bounced
and it chipped a dancer's...
278
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:32,356
Do you ever shut your fuckin' trap
for five minutes?
279
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,158
Shut up!
280
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,993
Shut the FUCK UP!
281
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,753
- Shut the fuck up!
- Ah! Jesus!
282
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,876
- You never shut up! Shut up!
- No! No!
283
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:47,599
And I'll have the 32-ounce
Kobe tomahawk.
284
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,871
(Phone buzzes)
285
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:57,230
Hey.
286
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,674
We can't just roam London
yelling her name.
287
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:05,799
I mean, the fact is, statistically,
she's gonna wake up today,
288
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,519
maybe with a concussion,
and probably with herpes,
289
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:10,192
but she'll be alive
290
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,238
and we can send her directly
back to Ireland on a bus.
291
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:17,518
I don't understand. Her Facebook
is all PTA and cake sales shit,
292
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,511
and Deepak Chopra quotes.
293
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,431
Maybe she's getting back at you
for all that dick.
294
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,713
She's missing.
295
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,189
She cracked her skull open.
296
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,316
I don't know what -
should I call her husband?
297
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:29,469
What are you gonna say?
298
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:32,757
'Hey, Rick,
I know it's been six years,
299
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,319
but wanted to let you know...
300
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:37,119
...your wife is fucking a guy
on a boat.'
301
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,997
- Or dead.
- Or dead.
302
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:40,798
But probably fucking a guy on a boat.
303
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,711
(Groans)
304
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,995
She's supposed to help me
get my dress today.
305
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,071
I'm sorry, honey.
306
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,639
Are you going straight to work?
307
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,358
Yeah, unfortunately.
308
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,635
Why? I thought
it was getting better.
309
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,836
Weren't you gonna be a spy for God?
310
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,717
I don't want to burden you with now,
311
00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:01,351
but my prevailing sense is
that it's bad people doing bad things
312
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,112
and I'm helping them.
313
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,430
It doesn't have to be forever.
314
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,715
You know,
just the next 18 years or so.
315
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:08,915
Right.
316
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:10,515
Better now?
317
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,955
Special delivery!
318
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,793
Oh, God, don't say
'special delivery'.
319
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,068
Hi.
320
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,674
- Oh, my God! What is she wearing?
- I don't wanna hear it.
321
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:55,230
- Hi.
- You look beautiful.
322
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,753
No, I don't. I look like a couch.
323
00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:58,068
A beautiful couch.
324
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,355
I'm gonna take the hat off.
Fran really pushed the hat.
325
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:02,873
I don't like the hat.
326
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,110
Well, I don't think you need it,
327
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,998
'cause I would like
to look at this...
328
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,355
...unencumbered.
329
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:12,556
- Do you want to go in there?
- Yeah.
330
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:19,156
Hey.
331
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:21,195
Are you OK?
332
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,236
Yes.
333
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,072
Good.
334
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:26,550
Hi.
335
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,235
- OK. I took it off because -
- Sorry I'm late!
336
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,630
Oh! You look lovely!
337
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:36,393
Where the fuck have you been?
I thought you were dead!
338
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:38,357
Or murdered!
I nearly cancelled the wedding!
339
00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:39,953
Yeah, I know. Sorry.
340
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,712
I ended up in Brighton.
341
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:42,789
(Giggles)
342
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:46,877
I should have called but I knew
you'd just make me come back.
343
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:50,236
You know your husband has
called Sharon maybe 40 times.
344
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,311
That's fine.
I spoke to him on the way here.
345
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,719
He knows I got a head wound.
346
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,238
- Oh, Christ!
- Jesus!
347
00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:00,392
- You need to go home!
- But I'm your maid of honour.
348
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:03,756
Why don't you two go on in.
I'll take over here. It's OK.
349
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:11,755
I understand the groom would like
to say something.
350
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:13,956
Yeah.
351
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:20,992
I never thought
it would happen this way.
352
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:25,039
I mean, I wouldn't have ordered
this if it were on the menu,
353
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:26,872
but there was no menu.
354
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,109
It was like one of those restaurants
355
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,395
where the chef just decides
what you're gonna eat.
356
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,638
And it's scary because what
if you get, like, a pheasant,
357
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,915
filled with capers.
358
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,231
But then he brings you something
unbelievably delicious
359
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:43,551
and you realise he knows better
than you could ever know.
360
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,996
And you never wanna go to
any other restaurant ever again.
361
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,556
Fuck menus.
362
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,512
Um, do you have something
you would like to add?
363
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,636
Um, amen.
364
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:00,353
I call upon these persons
here present.
365
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:04,115
Actually, I would like to say
something, as maid of honour.
366
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,077
- Just now. Is, is...?
- Sure.
367
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:09,869
Yep. It's actually a short song,
but I think it's very fitting.
368
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:19,033
(Sings badly)
♪ When my bonnie love did falter
369
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:22,669
♪ As the river laps the bank
370
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:28,790
♪ His furtive tongue did loosen for
371
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:33,396
♪ My love has just become
372
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:38,235
♪ His eye did gaze upon our place
373
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:42,950
♪ A love so fine, yet clear
374
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:48,160
♪ I see your wheel turn fed my dear
375
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:53,189
♪ And it pleasures me somewhere
376
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:58,229
♪ The highs and lows where'er we go
377
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,273
♪ Sha... ♪ (Voice cracks)
378
00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:03,271
Sorry, just a second.
379
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:05,191
(All cheering)
380
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:07,396
(Uplifting rock song)
381
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,350
(Song abruptly ends)
382
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,273
You remember this place?
383
00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:53,794
Yeah.
384
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,916
It's not as nice
as I remember it though.
385
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,672
It's a different room.
386
00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,149
I tried to get our room
but they had to seal it off
387
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,117
because they couldn't
get our sex funk out.
388
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,839
(Both laugh)
389
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:08,071
We should probably have
some sex now, don't you think?
390
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,720
(Sighs) I don't...
391
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:15,112
This is pushing down
on my fart-maker so...
392
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:19,035
...I'm not sure it's a good idea.
- OK.
393
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:22,078
Hey, how are you feet?
Those shoes look painful.
394
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,388
They're killing me.
395
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:25,435
Let me rub them a little bit.
396
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,114
Mm. Thank you.
397
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:32,113
Oh, hey, Fergal was great today,
by the way.
398
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,112
I guess whatever he was going on
about wasn't that bad.
399
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,589
Oh, no! It was that bad.
I forgot to tell you.
400
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:40,035
This guy from Mallandra's work
texted her
401
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:41,678
that she looked sexy
in her new dress,
402
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,320
so Fergal went around to his house
and attacked him,
403
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,231
and then he tried to put him
in the dress
404
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:47,548
and dislocated the guy's shoulder.
405
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:51,076
But he's decided to drop charges now,
so they're all OK.
406
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:53,396
Oh.
407
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:54,356
Oh, good.
408
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,590
I mean, that's terrifying!
409
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,633
Wow.
410
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:03,070
What?
411
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,878
Your toenails are mighty long.
412
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,635
Oh, no! I'm sorry, every time I try
to bend over to clip them
413
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:10,199
I feel like I'm gonna puke.
414
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:13,078
- That's OK. I'll clip them for you.
- What?
415
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:15,879
No! I'll get a pedicure tomorrow.
416
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,679
That ridiculous.
You're my wife, you're pregnant,
417
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,478
your toenails are a hate crime,
418
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,630
so instead of having sex
on our wedding night,
419
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,233
I'm gonna cut your toenails.
420
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:31,190
Hey.
421
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:47,719
- I think I changed my mind.
- About what?
422
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,832
I think we should have some sex.
423
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:54,909
What?
424
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,229
What?
425
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,754
No, you just hesitated and...
426
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:03,037
It's just I have a handful
of your toenails.
427
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,111
It's not exactly foreplay.
428
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,031
Yeah, it was your idea, I mean,
429
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,076
if clipping my toenails
is gonna turn you off,
430
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,639
don't clip my toenails!
431
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,871
Well, I wanted to help you.
I mean, they were claw-like.
432
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,315
- They're not claw-like!
- They're claw-like and gnarly!
433
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,277
You know what? Just forget it.
434
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,716
No! Don't! Listen! I'm not saying
I don't want to, Jesus!
435
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:25,679
I hesitated because I looked
at the contents of my hand
436
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:26,875
and then it took a second
437
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,997
for me to divert the blood
from my brain to my dick.
438
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,752
Oh, now you're making me feel shit.
439
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:35,196
Great! Like I don't feel shit enough.
440
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,399
- Why are you doing that?
- Because!
441
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,631
You hurt my feelings, I don't really
want to look at your face right now.
442
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,711
Well, I don't wanna look at yours
either.
443
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,360
Because you've twisted it
from it's normal, beautiful state,
444
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:51,353
into a frowny, little sourpuss,
like you do every day.
445
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:52,998
Like I do every day?
446
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,878
What, every day
of my cursed pregnancy,
447
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,793
where I gotta go to the doctor
three times a week 'cause I'm 41
448
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,110
and every possible thing that
could've gone wrong has gone wrong?
449
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,317
I know! I've been there
every step of the way.
450
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:06,595
And it hasn't been
a blast for me either.
451
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,240
Oh. Well, why don't you go
and fuck another drunk woman
452
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,278
and see if she'll have a nicer,
less complicated pregnancy for you?
453
00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:15,591
You know, I would, but I've already
hitched my wagon to this...
454
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:17,159
...horse.
455
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:18,673
Horse!?
456
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:21,957
Horse! I don't know, donkey.
Whatever you hitch a wagon to.
457
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,315
- A beast of burden.
- Get out!
458
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,834
You fucking get out!
You have a house!
459
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,353
I'll stay here in this hotel
460
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,431
that I never should've left
in the first place!
461
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,988
OK.
462
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:36,231
Fuck that. Bullshit.
463
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:39,710
Never should have left it.
What's that supposed to mean?
464
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:40,755
Wait, are you really going?
465
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,509
Are you really leaving
on our wedding night?
466
00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:46,956
Are you shitting me?
This isn't a fucking soap opera.
467
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:52,238
All I have ever done
is try and do the right thing!
468
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,753
The right thing?
469
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:55,432
Oh! That's what this is?
470
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:57,715
That's what you're doing?
The right thing?
471
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,756
You fucking duty-bound boy scout.
472
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:02,070
- I didn't mean...
- I don't want to be the right thing!
473
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:03,752
I wanna be a choice! That's why I...
474
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,478
...fucking hate this!
475
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,391
You are, without a doubt,
476
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:09,596
the most hard to please person
I have ever met.
477
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,636
If I showed you a rainbow
478
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,314
you'd be like,
'Oh, there's too many colours!
479
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,277
There's too many colours
on one thing! '
480
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:21,195
Yeah, well, at least I don't
sell drugs that kill astronauts.
481
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,790
I just started there!
And they don't kill people anymore!
482
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,678
Oh! And you believe that,
you gullible American prick?
483
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:32,355
I only took that job because of you,
you fucking ingrate shrew!
484
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:41,833
Fucking Christ!
485
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,156
- Why the fuck did I...?
- (Knock on door)
486
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:50,429
- I'm so sorry.
- My water's broke.
487
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,193
- My water's broke and it's too early.
- What?
488
00:23:56,500 --> 00:24:04,500
Ripped By mstoll