What's the matter?
I wasn't 100% sure you were coming back.
You know, your flight landed 30 minutes ago.
My luggage was on the wrong carousel.
Why wouldn't I come back?
I don't know, you're already on a plane
and you have a passport.
You thought I'd hijacked a plane to get away from you?
Did you miss me?
I was angry at how much I missed you.
I missed you too.
Just the last two days though.
(Chuckles)
- Did you watch porn? - Yeah, absolutely.
But I would always take a pillow and make a little Sharon out of it,
that I would hug, while I watched.
(Laughs) I did the same.
Just, without the pillow.
It's actually really hard for me to masturbate at the moment
'cause I've got to look over my belly to do it.
And I know there's a baby in there, so, it's kind of off-putting.
Like, you wouldn't want to have a wank
if there were kids playing in the background, you know?
Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of one my things, not doing that.
Did anyone try and convince you to stay?
Yes! My friend Corey said,
'I'll see you in six months when it doesn't work out.'
Urgh!
I mean, that's given me more motivation to make this work
than, even, the baby.
Yeah?
Did you sort things out with your mum?
No.
Not even close.
I can't believe it's taken me 38 years
to realise that my mother is a shit-bubble.
(Laughs)
- Did you get your best man sorted? - No.
Because I've got a maid of honour now, so you have to.
Who's your maid of honour? Fran?
No! Although she did offer.
No, I got panicked one night and asked my friend Kate from uni,
so she's gonna come over for a week and hang out,
you know, have some fun.
Does she know that you're not fun anymore?
You're such a fucker.
(Laughs)
I could ask your brother to be my best man.
What would you think of that?
Well, yeah, you can ask him.
I mean, you barely know him.
Yeah, I barely know you.
It would be an honour.
Thank you.
Oh, I mean it. You're part of this family now.
You've given my sister something to live for.
- I'm not sure she... - I love you, man.
I love you too, man.
- You're my brother. - (Laughs)
Hey, Fergal.
- Are you drunk? - Since Wednesday!
(Sniffs) Jesus, what's in there?
It's Baileys, you pussy.
Mallandra's gone.
She... where?
To Spain! With the kids.
But when she gets back...
...she wants a divorce.
She wants a fucking divorce!
She's gonna take my kids!
- She's not gonna take your kids. - Aaaargh!
And don't you have to agree to let somebody divorce you?
Don't let her divorce you, and we'll fix it.
I really fucked up this time. I mean.
I've got a problem. I'm a fucking monster!
What did you do?
But thank you, thank you very much.
Your wedding is a week before my court date,
so that'll give me something to look forward to.
Do you want a smoothie?
(Women laughing)
Oh, there he is!
Rob, this is Kate, my maid of honour.
Kate, this is Rob, the future Mr Sharon Morris.
Well, great to meet you, Kate.
- Sharon, can I just talk to you... - I'm so happy to finally meet you!
It's great to meet you.
You know, you got a good one, here.
Even if you hadn't gotten her pregnant, she'd be a catch!
You know, she got all the dick back home.
(Laughs) Well, not all of it.
And we are gonna have a legendary week.
(Laughs hysterically)
My first time away from the kids in five years.
I don't miss them! I fucking love London!
(Laughs hysterically)
Can I just talk to you for a quick second?
Yeah.
Ripped By mstoll
She always annoying for the first day or so, and then she-
No, no, it's not that.
Yeah, she's annoying but... it's Fergal.
Is he not gonna do it?
No, he gonna do it, but did he tell you...
- Tell me what? ...what he's done?
- What did he do? - I don't know.
What are you asking me?
Well, do you know that Mallandra left him?
Yeah, she does that, like, twice a year.
- Do you know why? - Yes. Because he's a prick.
- No, I think it's worse than that. - What are you talking about?
I don't know, but there was something in his eyes
that said, 'I've done something really bad.'
Something in his eyes?
Look, I don't know, I just think he may have hurt someone.
I'm not saying he has a freezer full of kid meat or anything.
Listen! I don't know if you're stressed or what,
but you need to stop slandering my brother,
and I need to stop ignoring my visitor.
This is rude.
OK? We're both being very rude at the moment.
Sorry, do you have soda cream? Or something?
It's just, I got a Brazilian yesterday
and my pussy is on fire!
I'll get you some.
I'd like to introduce Rob Norris to you all.
Rob helped establish Fry and Loeb in Boston.
He's also coached brands wrestling with PR issues.
I guess you could say he's sort of a perception engineer.
Rob, the floor is yours.
Thank you, Harita.
Well, the public are like toddlers.
They like shiny things, like scandal, like astronauts maybe dying
because they took Braeband's flagship drug.
So, we need to distract them with something even shinier.
And what if - what if that shiny thing
could also be something truly good?
I'm sure I don't need to tell you guys
what animal kills the most people on earth every year.
- Sharks? - No, it's not sharks.
It's the mosquito, because of malaria.
And who's treated more cases of malaria in India than anyone else?
It's not sharks.
But it's not Braeband either, it's the Dutch company, Nyromax.
- Now, what if Braeband were able to- - Rob.
I'm just gonna interrupt you for just a second here
and say your enthusiasm is really something.
- Well... - Thank you so much.
Guys, this is what courage looks like.
Not some dusty old astronaut
whose kids are basically committing libel.
You think she'll be much longer?
Why? Did you leave your lip liner in there?
- No, I do that in the cab. - You look nice.
- Where are they taking you? - Just for a steak, Manafuries.
- Oh, nice. - Where are you guys off to?
Just gonna go for a pizza, I think, and then...
Ready.
We're gonna take it easy, daddy.
Just a couple glasses of wine, bit of dancing,
half an E.
I probably won't do any E.
- Neither will I. - Well, call me if you'd...
Have a great night!
What's up, cock munchers?
Pretty good, you know Chris?
Hey, man.
Get in.
- Wait. Are we not going for steaks? - Get in!
Do you know what hospital you're having the baby at?
- Um, St Thomas'. - My daughters were born there.
- No way. - Yeah, it's great.
My wife loved it. She had a water birth there.
You should do that. It just swims right out, it's easy.
- OK. I'll try that. - You have beautiful eyes.
Sorry? What the fuck?
I think I wanna get out of here, now.
Me too.
See the guy I'm talking to?
He wants to show me his boat.
Imagine.
So do you mind if I go?
Like, with him?
I'll be back in the morning.
I'll bring pastries.
I'm gonna go to the loo now, OK?
'Cause my baby is pushing down on my bladder, and then we're gonna leave.
OK? So say good night to the vapist,
and I'll see you out the front in five.
OK?
Good shit, huh?
Oh, you know, I wanna like it, I mean, it's naked women. Great.
And dancing, which I also love, so, two great things together,
but then you add a bunch of sweaty guys and, you know, you,
leering at them,
and it's just kind of a bummer.
Yeah, sure, put this in her thong.
- Lenore? - Chris!
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?
Yelp said you do a good onion ring.
You look fucking amazing.
Yeah, well, you put on an ounce in this place
and they make you dance for the Chinese lads.
- Oh, sure, sure. - Fuck me!
Chris Beesley!
Gonna get your dinky stinky?
I don't know who that is.
Listen, I'm on the clock but do you wanna buy a dance?
We could catch up.
Sure.
Alright...
Shhh! You're not allowed to talk while they're dancing.
- I was just gonna... - Shhhh.
Girls.
And do you have any kids?
One boy.
Oh, I've got a boy. And a little girl.
Two kids came out of there? Wow!
Well outdoors is alright,
but my fanny looks like it stepped on a land mine.
(Laughs)
How long have you been with your wife?
12 years, her name is Fran.
And does Fran not mind you coming to places like this?
Not as long as I fuck her when I get back home.
She doesn't know I'm here.
Listen, there's rooms out the back that are a bit more private
if you want to, you know,
talk more.
I think I should get back to the lads.
You sure?
No.
Oh, I left my bag inside.
I'll be one minute. Two minutes.
This bag?
You left this bag inside?
Oh! I wanna see the boat!
Look at me! Focus!
There's no boat!
There is a tiny flat with a filthy mattress
and nose hair clippings in the sink.
I want a filthy mattress.
I want any mattress.
I'm not happy.
Oh, darling.
I am so sorry to hear that but you are gonna be even less happy
if you get all cut up and put in a bin bag. OK?
So come on, let's just go!
- (Onlookers gasp) - Oh, fuck!
- Oh, my God! - Shit! Did you just bang your head?
Are you...
I'm OK!
Urgh!
- Ah! - Oh, fuck!
- (Laughs) - Just wait there! Don't move!
I'll get some... don't move!
I need some help.
Have you got a first-aid kit or something? She's banged her head!
Hello? I need an ambulance.
Where is the woman that was lying there?
Where's the woman?
Kate?
Kate!
I wanna tell you what I did.
In the States you get a lot more bang for your buck
'cause you can use your dollar-dollar bills, y'all!
You've already given me, like, £300.
- Rob, Rob, I need to talk to you. - Do you?
Do you now? I mean -
You can't really put a pound coin down a dancer's g-string.
- It's just gonna fall out. - I wanna tell you what happened.
What if you did?
What if you just took me out of the loop...
I found out that Mallandra -
I threw a pound coin on the stage once
and it bounced and it chipped a dancer's...
Do you ever shut your fuckin' trap for five minutes?
Shut up!
Shut the FUCK UP!
- Shut the fuck up! - Ah! Jesus!
- You never shut up! Shut up! - No! No!
And I'll have the 32-ounce Kobe tomahawk.
(Phone buzzes)
Hey.
We can't just roam London yelling her name.
I mean, the fact is, statistically, she's gonna wake up today,
maybe with a concussion, and probably with herpes,
but she'll be alive
and we can send her directly back to Ireland on a bus.
I don't understand. Her Facebook is all PTA and cake sales shit,
and Deepak Chopra quotes.
Maybe she's getting back at you for all that dick.
She's missing.
She cracked her skull open.
I don't know what - should I call her husband?
What are you gonna say?
'Hey, Rick, I know it's been six years,
but wanted to let you know...
...your wife is fucking a guy on a boat.'
- Or dead. - Or dead.
But probably fucking a guy on a boat.
(Groans)
She's supposed to help me get my dress today.
I'm sorry, honey.
Are you going straight to work?
Yeah, unfortunately.
Why? I thought it was getting better.
Weren't you gonna be a spy for God?
I don't want to burden you with now,
but my prevailing sense is that it's bad people doing bad things
and I'm helping them.
It doesn't have to be forever.
You know, just the next 18 years or so.
Right.
Better now?
Special delivery!
Oh, God, don't say 'special delivery'.
Hi.
- Oh, my God! What is she wearing? - I don't wanna hear it.
- Hi. - You look beautiful.
No, I don't. I look like a couch.
A beautiful couch.
I'm gonna take the hat off. Fran really pushed the hat.
I don't like the hat.
Well, I don't think you need it,
'cause I would like to look at this...
...unencumbered.
- Do you want to go in there? - Yeah.
Hey.
Are you OK?
Yes.
Good.
Hi.
- OK. I took it off because - - Sorry I'm late!
Oh! You look lovely!
Where the fuck have you been? I thought you were dead!
Or murdered! I nearly cancelled the wedding!
Yeah, I know. Sorry.
I ended up in Brighton.
(Giggles)
I should have called but I knew you'd just make me come back.
You know your husband has called Sharon maybe 40 times.
That's fine. I spoke to him on the way here.
He knows I got a head wound.
- Oh, Christ! - Jesus!
- You need to go home! - But I'm your maid of honour.
Why don't you two go on in. I'll take over here. It's OK.
I understand the groom would like to say something.
Yeah.
I never thought it would happen this way.
I mean, I wouldn't have ordered this if it were on the menu,
but there was no menu.
It was like one of those restaurants
where the chef just decides what you're gonna eat.
And it's scary because what if you get, like, a pheasant,
filled with capers.
But then he brings you something unbelievably delicious
and you realise he knows better than you could ever know.
And you never wanna go to any other restaurant ever again.
Fuck menus.
Um, do you have something you would like to add?
Um, amen.
I call upon these persons here present.
Actually, I would like to say something, as maid of honour.
- Just now. Is, is...? - Sure.
Yep. It's actually a short song, but I think it's very fitting.
(Sings badly) ♪ When my bonnie love did falter
♪ As the river laps the bank
♪ His furtive tongue did loosen for
♪ My love has just become
♪ His eye did gaze upon our place
♪ A love so fine, yet clear
♪ I see your wheel turn fed my dear
♪ And it pleasures me somewhere
♪ The highs and lows where'er we go
♪ Sha... ♪ (Voice cracks)
Sorry, just a second.
(All cheering)
(Uplifting rock song)
(Song abruptly ends)
You remember this place?
Yeah.
It's not as nice as I remember it though.
It's a different room.
I tried to get our room but they had to seal it off
because they couldn't get our sex funk out.
(Both laugh)
We should probably have some sex now, don't you think?
(Sighs) I don't...
This is pushing down on my fart-maker so...
...I'm not sure it's a good idea. - OK.
Hey, how are you feet? Those shoes look painful.
They're killing me.
Let me rub them a little bit.
Mm. Thank you.
Oh, hey, Fergal was great today, by the way.
I guess whatever he was going on about wasn't that bad.
Oh, no! It was that bad. I forgot to tell you.
This guy from Mallandra's work texted her
that she looked sexy in her new dress,
so Fergal went around to his house and attacked him,
and then he tried to put him in the dress
and dislocated the guy's shoulder.
But he's decided to drop charges now, so they're all OK.
Oh.
Oh, good.
I mean, that's terrifying!
Wow.
What?
Your toenails are mighty long.
Oh, no! I'm sorry, every time I try to bend over to clip them
I feel like I'm gonna puke.
- That's OK. I'll clip them for you. - What?
No! I'll get a pedicure tomorrow.
That ridiculous. You're my wife, you're pregnant,
your toenails are a hate crime,
so instead of having sex on our wedding night,
I'm gonna cut your toenails.
Hey.
- I think I changed my mind. - About what?
I think we should have some sex.
What?
No, you just hesitated and...
It's just I have a handful of your toenails.
It's not exactly foreplay.
Yeah, it was your idea, I mean,
if clipping my toenails is gonna turn you off,
don't clip my toenails!
Well, I wanted to help you. I mean, they were claw-like.
- They're not claw-like! - They're claw-like and gnarly!
You know what? Just forget it.
No! Don't! Listen! I'm not saying I don't want to, Jesus!
I hesitated because I looked at the contents of my hand
and then it took a second
for me to divert the blood from my brain to my dick.
Oh, now you're making me feel shit.
Great! Like I don't feel shit enough.
- Why are you doing that? - Because!
You hurt my feelings, I don't really want to look at your face right now.
Well, I don't wanna look at yours either.
Because you've twisted it from it's normal, beautiful state,
into a frowny, little sourpuss, like you do every day.
Like I do every day?
What, every day of my cursed pregnancy,
where I gotta go to the doctor three times a week 'cause I'm 41
and every possible thing that could've gone wrong has gone wrong?
I know! I've been there every step of the way.
And it hasn't been a blast for me either.
Oh. Well, why don't you go and fuck another drunk woman
and see if she'll have a nicer, less complicated pregnancy for you?
You know, I would, but I've already hitched my wagon to this...
...horse.
Horse!?
Horse! I don't know, donkey. Whatever you hitch a wagon to.
- A beast of burden. - Get out!
You fucking get out! You have a house!
I'll stay here in this hotel
that I never should've left in the first place!
OK.
Fuck that. Bullshit.
Never should have left it. What's that supposed to mean?
Wait, are you really going?
Are you really leaving on our wedding night?
Are you shitting me? This isn't a fucking soap opera.
All I have ever done is try and do the right thing!
The right thing?
Oh! That's what this is?
That's what you're doing? The right thing?
You fucking duty-bound boy scout.
- I didn't mean... - I don't want to be the right thing!
I wanna be a choice! That's why I...
...fucking hate this!
You are, without a doubt,
the most hard to please person I have ever met.
If I showed you a rainbow
you'd be like, 'Oh, there's too many colours!
There's too many colours on one thing! '
Yeah, well, at least I don't sell drugs that kill astronauts.
I just started there! And they don't kill people anymore!
Oh! And you believe that, you gullible American prick?
I only took that job because of you, you fucking ingrate shrew!
Fucking Christ!
- Why the fuck did I...? - (Knock on door)
- I'm so sorry. - My water's broke.
- My water's broke and it's too early. - What?
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