1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,000
What's the matter?

2
00:00:04,560 --> 00:00:07,270
I wasn't 100% sure
you were coming back.

3
00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,430
You know, your flight
landed 30 minutes ago.

4
00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:11,030
My luggage was on the wrong carousel!

5
00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:13,230
Why wouldn't I come back?

6
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:17,270
I dunno. You're already on
a plane, you have a passport.

7
00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:21,070
You thought I'd hijack the
plane to get away from you?

8
00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:22,510
Did you miss me?

9
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:24,950
I was angry at how much I missed you.

10
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:29,000
I missed you too. Just
the last two days, though.

11
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,390
~ Did you watch porn?
~ Absolutely.

12
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:35,830
But I would always take a pillow
and make a little Sharon

13
00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:39,880
out of it that I would
hug while I... watched.

14
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,790
I did the same, just
without the pillow.

15
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,150
Actually it's hard for me
to masturbate at the moment

16
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:47,990
because I've got to look
over my belly to do it,

17
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,670
and I know there's a baby in there,
so it's kind of off-putting.

18
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:53,390
It's like you wouldn't want to
have a wank if there were kids

19
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,430
playing in the background, you know?

20
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:59,480
Yeah, yeah. That's kind of one
of my things, not doing that.

21
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:01,510
Did anyone try to convince
you to stay?

22
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,070
Yes. My friend Cory said,

23
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:08,070
~ "I'll see you in six months
when it doesn't work out."
~ Ugh!

24
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:11,230
I mean, that's given me more
motivation to make this work

25
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,310
than even the baby!

26
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:16,110
Yeah. Did you sort things
out with your mum?

27
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:19,030
No, not even close.

28
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:22,710
I can't believe it's taken me
38 years to realise my mother is

29
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:24,110
a shit bubble.

30
00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,910
SHE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY

31
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,550
Did you get your best man sorted?

32
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:31,310
~ No.
~ Oh, because I've got a maid
of honour now, so you have to.

33
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,470
Who's your maid of honour? Fran?

34
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,390
What? No. Although she did offer.

35
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,950
No, I got panicked one night and
I asked my friend Kate from uni.

36
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,230
So she's going to come
over for a week,

37
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,350
hang out, you know, have some fun.

38
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,590
Does she know that you're
not fun any more?

39
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,150
You're such a fucker!

40
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:50,550
HE LAUGHS

41
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:53,790
I could ask your brother
to be my best man.

42
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,270
What would you think of that?

43
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,270
Yeah. You can ASK him.

44
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,630
I mean, you barely know him.

45
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:03,680
Yeah... I barely know you.

46
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,310
It would be an honour. Thank you.

47
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:12,590
I mean it. You're part
of this family now.

48
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,750
You've given my sister
something to live for.

49
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:17,070
~ Well, I'm not sure she...
~ I love you, man.

50
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:21,120
Well, I love you too,
man. You're my brother.

51
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:25,390
Hey, Fergal, are you drunk?

52
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,030
Since Wednesday.

53
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,630
Jesus! What's in there?

54
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,670
Bailey's, you pussy.

55
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,950
Mallandra's gone.

56
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,750
She's... where?

57
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,510
To Spain - with the kids.

58
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:42,560
But when she gets back,
she wants a divorce.

59
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,830
She wants a fucking divorce.

60
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,950
~ She's going to take my kids.
~ She's not going to take your kids.

61
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:52,070
And don't you have to agree
to let somebody divorce you?

62
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,670
Don't let her divorce
you and we'll fix it.

63
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:58,720
I really fucked up this time.
I mean, ha! I've got a problem.

64
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:02,590
I'm a fucking monster.

65
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,350
~ What did you do?
~ Thank you. Thank you very much.

66
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:08,110
Your wedding is the week
before my court date,

67
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,950
so it'll give me something
to look forward to.

68
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,230
D'you want a smoothie?

69
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,870
WOMEN LAUGHING AS DOOR CLOSES

70
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:19,590
There he is.

71
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:23,590
Rob, this is Kate, my maid of honour. Kate,
this is Rob, the future Mr Sharon Morris.

72
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:27,640
Great to meet you, Kate. Sharon,
can I just talk to you...?

73
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,750
I'm so happy to finally meet you.

74
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:30,870
Same here.

75
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:33,710
You've got a good one here.

76
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:37,430
Even if you hadn't gotten her
pregnant, she'd be a catch!

77
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:40,510
You know, she got all
the dick back home.

78
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:41,910
Not all of it.

79
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:45,550
We are going to have
a legendary week!

80
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,550
SHE HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER

81
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,390
This is my first time away
from my kids in five years.

82
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:54,440
I don't miss them and
I fucking LOVE LONDON!

83
00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,110
~ Hey, can I talk to you for a quick second?
~ Yeah.

84
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:03,160
KATE HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER

85
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,830
She's always annoying
for the first day or so.

86
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,670
No, it's not that. I mean yes, she
is very annoying, but it's Fergal.

87
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:11,750
Is he not going to do it?

88
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,950
~ No, he is going to do
it but did he tell you...
~ Tell me what?

89
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,990
~ What he's done?
~ What did he do?

90
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,270
I don't know.

91
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:21,150
~ What are you asking me?
~ Well, do you know Mallandra left him?

92
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,590
Yeah. She does that
like... twice a year.

93
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:26,430
~ Do you know why?
~ Yes, because he's a prick.

94
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:28,230
No, I think it's worse than that.

95
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:29,510
What are you talking about?

96
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:32,790
I don't know but there was something
in his eyes that said,

97
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,430
"I've done something really bad."

98
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,310
Something in his eyes?

99
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:39,470
Look. I don't know, I think
he may have hurt someone.

100
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,390
I'm not saying he has a freezer
full of kid-meat or anything...

101
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,950
Listen. I don't know if
you're stressed or what,

102
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:49,000
but you need to stop slandering my brother
and I need to stop ignoring my visitor.

103
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,470
This is rude. We are both being
very rude at the moment.

104
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:56,520
~ Sorry.
~ Sorry, do you have Sudocrem or something?

105
00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:00,680
I got a Brazilian yesterday
and my pussy's on fire!

106
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:08,000
I'll get you some.

107
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,470
I'd like to introduce
Rob Norris to you all.

108
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,190
Rob helped establish
Frye & Loeb in Boston.

109
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,510
He's also coached brands
wrestling with PR issues.

110
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,910
I guess you could say he's
sort of a perception engineer.

111
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:24,030
Rob, the floor is yours.

112
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,590
Thank you, Harita.

113
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,670
The public are like toddlers.

114
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,350
They like shiny things like scandal,

115
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:35,400
like astronauts maybe dying because
they took Braeband's flagship drug.

116
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:39,030
So we need to distract them
with something even shinier

117
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,830
and what if, what
if that shiny thing,

118
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,590
could also be something truly good?

119
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,950
I'm sure I don't need to
tell you guys what animal

120
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:50,870
kills the most people
on earth every year.

121
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,990
~ Sharks?
~ No.

122
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:56,630
It's not sharks. It's the
mosquito, because of malaria

123
00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:00,680
and who's treated more cases of
malaria in India than anyone else?

124
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,070
It's not sharks!

125
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,230
But it's not Braeband, either.

126
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:10,830
It's the Dutch company Nyromax. Now,
what if Braeband were able to...

127
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,110
Rob, I'm going to interrupt
you for just a second

128
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,590
and say that your enthusiasm
is really something.

129
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:17,590
~ Well, honestly...
~ Thank you so much.

130
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:20,310
Guys, this is what
courage looks like.

131
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:24,360
Not some dusty old astronaut whose
kids are basically committing libel.

132
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,390
~ Do you think she'll be much longer?
~ Why? D'you leave your lip liner in there?

133
00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:32,230
No. I do that in the cab.

134
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,390
You look nice. Where
are they taking you?

135
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,270
Just for a steak. Montefiorres.

136
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,350
~ Nice.
~ Where are you guys off to?

137
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,710
~ Just going to go for a
pizza, I think and then...
~ Ready?

138
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:43,030
We're going to take it easy, daddy.

139
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:46,910
Just a couple of glasses of wine,
bit of dancing, half an E...

140
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,190
I probably won't do any E.

141
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:50,590
Neither will I.

142
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,590
OK. Well, call me if you...

143
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:57,640
Have a great night!

144
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:02,550
What's up, cock-munchers?

145
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,600
~ Pretty good. You know Chris?
~ Hey, man!

146
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:16,200
~ Get in.
~ What... are we not going for steak?
~ Get in!

147
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,590
Do you know what hospital
you're having the baby at?

148
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:28,270
~ St Thomas'.
~ My daughters were born there!

149
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:31,150
~ No way!
~ Yeah, it was great, my wife loved it.

150
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:32,630
She had a water birth there.

151
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,910
You should do that. It just
swims right out! It's easy!

152
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,750
~ OK. I'll try that.
~ You have beautiful eyes.

153
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,310
Sorry?

154
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:43,550
What the fuck?

155
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:47,350
~ I think I want to get out of here. Now.
~ Me too.

156
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:51,190
~ See the guy I'm talking to?
~ SHE GIGGLES MANIACALLY

157
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,510
He wants to show me his boat!

158
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,750
Imagine.

159
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,630
So do you mind if I go... with him?

160
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:05,270
I'll be back in the morning.
I'll bring pastries!

161
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:06,910
I'm going to the loo now, OK?

162
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,270
Because my baby is pushing
down on my bladder

163
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:11,790
and then we're going to leave, OK?

164
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:15,840
So say good night to the rapist and I'll
see you out the front in five, OK?

165
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,910
Good shit, huh?

166
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,910
You know, I want to like it.

167
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,310
I mean it's naked women - great -

168
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,270
and dancing, which I also love,

169
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:41,670
so it's two great things together,
but then you add a bunch of sweaty

170
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:45,720
guys and you know, you leering at
them and it's just kind of a bummer.

171
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:51,200
Yeah, sure. Pop this in her thong.

172
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,270
Lenore?

173
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:57,320
Chris? Oh, my God. What
are you doing here?

174
00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:01,150
Yelp said you do a good
onion ring. SHE LAUGHS

175
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:02,430
You look fuckin' amazing.

176
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,390
Yeah, well, you put on
an ounce in this place

177
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:07,310
and they make you dance
for the Chinese lads.

178
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:11,360
~ Sure, sure.
~ Fuck me! Chris Beesley.

179
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:14,030
Hey, Chris, you going to
get your dinky stinky?

180
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:15,350
I don't know who that is.

181
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:19,070
Listen, I'm on the clock but
do you want to buy a dance.

182
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,790
We could catch up.

183
00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:24,840
Sure.

184
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:30,200
Hey, sh! You're not allowed
to talk while they're dancing.

185
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:34,280
~ I was just gonna...
~ Sh!

186
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,350
Girls!

187
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,710
And do you have any kids?

188
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,030
One boy.

189
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,630
I've got a boy and a little girl.

190
00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:47,950
Two kids came out of there? Wow.

191
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,870
Outdoors is all right

192
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:53,920
but my fanny looks like
it stepped on a land mine.

193
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,550
How long have you
been with your wife?

194
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:57,950
12 years. Her name's Fran.

195
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:01,390
And does Fran not mind you
coming to places like this?

196
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:05,390
Not as long as I fuck her
when I get back home.

197
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,910
She doesn't know I'm here.

198
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:11,270
Listen, there's some rooms out the
back that are a bit more private,

199
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:15,320
if you want to, you know, talk more.

200
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,880
I think I should get
back to the lads.

201
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,030
You sure?

202
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:27,080
No.

203
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:45,390
I left my bag inside. I'll
be one minute, two minutes.

204
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:49,350
This bag? You left this bag inside?

205
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,030
I want to see the boat.

206
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,230
Look at me, focus. There's no boat.

207
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:56,510
There's a tiny flat
with a filthy mattress

208
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,630
and nose hair clippings in the sink.

209
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:03,680
I want a filthy mattress.
I want any mattress.

210
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:07,230
I'm not happy.

211
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:10,150
Oh, darling! I am sorry to hear that

212
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,070
but you're going to
be even less happy

213
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:16,120
if you get all cut up and
put in a bin bag, OK?

214
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:20,840
So come on. Let's just go.

215
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,150
Oh, my God!

216
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,550
Shit! Did you just bang
your head? Are you...?

217
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:29,750
I'm OK.

218
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:33,800
Ow!

219
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:38,790
Oh, fuck! Just wait there. Don't
move, I'll get some help.

220
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:41,270
Help her! Don't move.

221
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:44,790
I need some help. I want a
first aid kit or something.

222
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,310
She's really banged her head.

223
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,430
Hello? I need an ambulance.

224
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,830
Where's the woman that
was like... there?

225
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:55,880
Where's the woman... Kate?

226
00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,110
Kate! Kate!

227
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,190
I want to tell you what I did.

228
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,710
In the States, you get a
lot more bang for your buck

229
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:08,760
cos you can use dollar bills, y'all!

230
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,710
You've already given me like £300.

231
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:11,990
Rob, I need to talk to you.

232
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,630
Do you? Now?

233
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:16,590
You can't really put a pound
coin down a dancer's g-string.

234
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:17,790
It's just going to fall out.

235
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:21,840
~ I want to tell ya what happened.
~ What if you didn't? What if you
just took me out of the loop?

236
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,830
~ I found out that Mallandra...
~ I threw a pound coin on the
stage once but it bounced

237
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,310
and chipped the dancer's tooth.

238
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:31,360
Do you ever shut yer fucking
trap for five minutes? Shut up!

239
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:37,270
Shut... THE FUCK UP!
SHUT THE FUCK UP!

240
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:41,320
THEY SHOUT

241
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:46,600
And I'll have the 32-ounce
Kobe Tomahawk.

242
00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:56,150
Hey.

243
00:12:56,200 --> 00:13:00,030
I mean, the fact is, statistically,
she's going to wake up today,

244
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:03,510
maybe with a concussion and probably
with herpes, but she'll be

245
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:07,560
alive and we can send her directly
back to Ireland on a bus.

246
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:11,350
I don't understand. Her
Facebook is all PTA

247
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,870
and cake sale shit and
Deepak Chopra quotes.

248
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,790
Maybe she's getting back
at you for all that dick.

249
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,840
She's missing. She cracked her skull
open. I don't know what to...

250
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:22,310
should I call her husband?

251
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:23,830
What are you going to say?

252
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:27,030
"Hey, Rick. I know
it's been six years

253
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:31,080
"but wanted to let you know your
wife is fucking a guy on a boat."

254
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:32,590
Or dead.

255
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:35,150
Or dead, but probably
fucking a guy on a boat.

256
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,950
Oh...

257
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,670
She was supposed to help
me get my dress today.

258
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,430
I'm sorry, honey.

259
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,550
Are you going straight to work?

260
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:44,950
Yeah, unfortunately.

261
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,350
Why? I thought it was getting better.

262
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,550
Weren't you going
to be a Spy for God?

263
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:53,230
I don't want to burden you with
it now, but my prevailing sense

264
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:57,280
is that it's bad people doing
bad things and I'm helping them.

265
00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:02,040
It doesn't have to be forever. You
know, just the next 18 years or so.

266
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,590
Right.

267
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:07,640
Better now?

268
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,310
Special delivery!

269
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:38,360
Oh, God, don't say special delivery.

270
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,430
Hi.

271
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:45,480
~ Oh, my God, what is she wearing?
~ I don't want to hear it.

272
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,430
Hi.

273
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:49,550
You look beautiful.

274
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,510
No, I don't. I look like a couch.

275
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,310
~ A beautiful couch.
~ I'm going to take the hat off.

276
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:57,230
Fran really pushed the
hat, I don't like the hat.

277
00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:01,280
Well, I don't think you need
it because I would like to look

278
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,750
at this unencumbered.

279
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:08,800
~ Do you want to go in there?
~ Yep.

280
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,150
(Are you OK?)

281
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,590
(Yes.)

282
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:21,640
(Good.)

283
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,590
OK, I took it off because...

284
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,670
Sorry I'm late!

285
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,910
You look lovely.

286
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,550
Where the fuck have you been?!

287
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,950
I thought you were dead or murdered.
I nearly cancelled the wedding!

288
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:37,000
I know, I'm sorry. I
ended up in Brighton.

289
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,230
I should've called but I knew
you'd just make me come back.

290
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:44,710
You know your husband has called
Sharon maybe 40 times?

291
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:48,760
It's fine. I spoke to him on the way
here, he knows I got a head wound.

292
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,230
~ Oh, Christ!
~ Jesus!

293
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,750
Oh, you need to go home.

294
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,190
But I'm your Maid of Honour.

295
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,510
Why don't you both go
in? I'll take over here.

296
00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:01,560
It's OK.

297
00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:07,760
I understand the groom would
like to say something.

298
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,150
I never thought it
would happen this way.

299
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:19,350
I mean, I wouldn't have ordered
this, if it were on the menu.

300
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,110
But there was no menu.

301
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,910
It was like one of those restaurants
where the chef just decides

302
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,830
what you're going to eat and it's
scary because what if you get, like,

303
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:31,710
a pheasant filled with capers?

304
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:35,150
But then he brings you something
unbelievably delicious

305
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:38,870
and you realise he knows better
than you could ever know,

306
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:42,920
and you never want to go to any
other restaurant ever again.

307
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,830
Fuck menus.

308
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,070
Do you have something
you'd like to add?

309
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:51,390
Erm...

310
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,110
Amen.

311
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,030
I call upon these persons
here present...

312
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:58,790
Actually, I would like to say
something, as maid of honour,

313
00:16:58,840 --> 00:16:59,990
just now if that's...?

314
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,470
Sure.

315
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:05,520
It's actually a short song
but I think it's very fitting.

316
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:10,760
♪ When my bonny love did falter

317
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:17,160
♪ As the river laps the bank

318
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:21,680
♪ His furtive tongue did loosen for

319
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:27,040
♪ My love has just become

320
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:31,320
♪ His eye did gaze upon our place

321
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:36,640
♪ A love safe fine yet clear

322
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:41,360
♪ I see your wheel turn fit, my dear

323
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:46,680
♪ It pleasures me somewhere

324
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:51,360
♪ The highs and lows where'er we go

325
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:55,630
♪ Sha. ♪

326
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,710
Sorry, just a second.

327
00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:01,760
APPLAUSE

328
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:08,720
MUSIC: Don't Shilly Shally
by Edwyn Collins

329
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,710
Remember this place?

330
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,190
Yeah.

331
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,670
It's not as nice as
I remember it, though.

332
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,150
It's a different room.

333
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,910
I tried to get our room but
they'd had to seal it off

334
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,070
because they couldn't
get our sex funk out.

335
00:18:57,120 --> 00:19:00,110
HE LAUGHS

336
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:04,160
We should probably have some
sex now, don't you think?

337
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,230
I...

338
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:10,280
This is pushing down
on my fart maker, so...

339
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,590
~ I'm not sure it's a good idea.
~ OK.

340
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,390
Hey, how are your feet? Those
shoes looked painful.

341
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,430
(They're killing me.)

342
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:19,710
Let me rub them a little bit.

343
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:23,070
Aww, thank you.

344
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:26,310
Oh, hey, Fergal was great
today, by the way.

345
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,470
I guess whatever he was going
on about wasn't that bad.

346
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,790
Oh, no, it was that bad,
I forgot to tell you.

347
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:35,030
This guy fromm Mallandra's work
texted her that she looked

348
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:38,190
sexy in her new dress, so Fergal
went round to his house

349
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:40,670
and attacked him, then he tried
to put him in the dress

350
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,430
and dislocated the guy's shoulder.

351
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:46,480
But he's decided to drop charges
now, so they're all OK.

352
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,950
Oh. Oh, good.

353
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:53,000
I mean, that's terrifying.

354
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,550
Wow.

355
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:57,790
What?

356
00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,990
Your toenails are mighty long.

357
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:03,070
Oh, no, I'm sorry. Every time
I try to bend over to clip them

358
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,230
~ I feel like I'm going to puke and...
~ It's OK. I'll clip them for you.

359
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:10,070
What? No, I'll get
a pedicure tomorrow.

360
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:12,950
That's ridiculous. You're
my wife, you're pregnant,

361
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,550
your toenails are a hate crime,
so instead of having sex

362
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:19,600
on our wedding night, I'm
going to cut your toenails.

363
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,880
Hey...

364
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,550
Can I change my mind?

365
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,150
About what?

366
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:47,200
I think we should have some sex.

367
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,430
What?

368
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:51,790
What?

369
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,470
Well, you just... hesitated.

370
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:57,390
No, it's just, I have a
handful of your toenails.

371
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,510
It's not exactly foreplay...

372
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,510
That was your idea. I mean, if
clipping my toenails is going

373
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,990
to turn you off, don't
clip my toenails.

374
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,030
Well, I wanted to help you.
I mean, they were claw-like.

375
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:11,270
~ They weren't claw-like.
~ They were claw-like and gnarly.

376
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:12,630
You know what? Just forget it.

377
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:16,070
No, don't. Listen, I'm not
saying I don't want to...

378
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:19,710
Jesus, I hesitated because I looked
at the contents of my hand

379
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:23,760
and then it took a second to divert
blood from my brain to my dick...

380
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,430
Now you're making me feel shit.

381
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:30,480
Great, like I don't feel shit enough.

382
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,910
~ Why are you doing that?
~ Because...

383
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:37,390
you hurt my feelings, I don't really
want to look at your face right now.

384
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:40,430
I don't want look at yours either,
because you've twisted it

385
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:43,910
from its normal beautiful state
into a frowny little sourpuss,

386
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,910
like you do every day.

387
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:49,950
Like I do every day? What, every
day of my cursed pregnancy?

388
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,990
Where I've got to go to the doctor
three times a week because I'm 41

389
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,950
and every possible thing that could
have gone wrong has gone wrong?

390
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,870
I know, I've been there
every step of the way

391
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,310
and it hasn't been
a blast for me either.

392
00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:04,150
Oh, well, why don't you go and
fuck another drunk woman and see

393
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:07,070
if she'll have a nicer, less
complicated pregnancy for you?

394
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:11,120
You know, I would but I've already
hitched my wagon to this... horse.

395
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,070
Horse?

396
00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:16,310
Horse, I don't know, donkey...
Whatever you hitch a wagon to.

397
00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:17,870
A beast of burden.

398
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:19,950
~ Get out.
~ You fucking get out,

399
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,670
you have got a house. I'll
stay here in this hotel

400
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:26,190
that I never should have
left in the first place.

401
00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,230
OK.

402
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:30,750
Bullshit.

403
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,590
"Never should have left," what's
that supposed to mean?

404
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,030
Wait, are you really going?

405
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:38,070
Are you really leaving
on our wedding night?

406
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:42,110
Are you shitting me? This
isn't a fucking soap opera!

407
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:46,160
All I've ever done is try
and do the right thing.

408
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:50,520
The right thing? That's what this
is? That's what you're doing?

409
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:54,110
The right thing? You fucking
duty-bound boy scout.

410
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:56,430
~ I didn't mean...
~ I don't want to be the right thing.

411
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:59,830
I want to be a choice, that's
why I fucking hate this.

412
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:03,880
You are without a doubt the most hard
to please person I have ever met.

413
00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,990
If I showed you a rainbow, you'd be
like, "Oh, there's too many colours.

414
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:11,150
"There's too many colours
on one thing."

415
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:15,200
Yeah, well, at least I don't
sell drugs that kill astronauts.

416
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:20,390
I just started there, and they
don't kill people any more.

417
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,910
And you believe that, you
gullible American prick?

418
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:26,960
I only took the job because of
you, you fucking ingrate shrew!

419
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,990
Fucking Christ!

420
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:39,230
Why the fuck did I...?

421
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,310
KNOCK AT DOOR

422
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:44,630
~ I'm so sorry...
~ My waters broke.

423
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:48,680
~ My waters broke and it's too early.
~ What?