1
00:00:04,304 --> 00:00:07,296
Damn, man, you look tired.
Your eyes are puffy as hell.
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:09,668
I'm unwell, Winston.
3
00:00:09,876 --> 00:00:12,470
Just torn up about this whole
Cece and Elizabeth thing.
4
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:16,308
I feel so guilty I can't even look in the mirror.
You think I'm a good person?
5
00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:18,211
[MUMBLES]
6
00:00:18,418 --> 00:00:21,512
- You think I'm a good person?
- You're terrible. It's hilarious.
7
00:00:21,721 --> 00:00:23,188
You cheated on my best friend.
8
00:00:23,390 --> 00:00:26,188
Fair enough, okay.
Well, I'm better than Winston.
9
00:00:26,393 --> 00:00:28,623
You're better at things.
But he's a better person.
10
00:00:28,828 --> 00:00:31,194
- Winston stinks.
- Why am I being dragged into this?
11
00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:33,525
Because I'm mad, Winston.
12
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:37,168
And I'm tired. And I'm a good...
13
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,438
- I'm a good man.
- Are you crying?
14
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:44,676
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
15
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:50,975
- I got a package for Nick Miller.
- There's nobody here by that name.
16
00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:53,279
I got this.
17
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:54,776
I saw that.
18
00:00:55,655 --> 00:00:57,350
- Run, Nick, run!
- Aah!
19
00:00:57,557 --> 00:01:00,856
- What...?
- Relax. I'm with your late father's estate.
20
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,494
- Pop-pop?
- This is for him.
21
00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:09,566
What's in there? It's a hand, isn't it?
Just tell me if it's a hand.
22
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,703
Oh, my God.
23
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,267
- It is a hand.
- I knew it. It's a hand.
24
00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:15,600
What does it mean though?
25
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:18,004
Full of dollar bills, y'all.
26
00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:20,042
WINSTON:
You are rich, man.
27
00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:22,942
- [SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
28
00:01:23,149 --> 00:01:24,411
Who's that girl?
29
00:01:24,617 --> 00:01:26,244
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
30
00:01:26,953 --> 00:01:29,251
I can't believe Nick's dad left him $8000.
31
00:01:29,456 --> 00:01:31,788
Never seen someone
burn through money so fast.
32
00:01:31,991 --> 00:01:33,891
- Ha, ha.
JESS: I should say something.
33
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:37,928
- Some of those shoes aren't even his size.
- Don't talk to Nick about money.
34
00:01:38,131 --> 00:01:40,361
It's a very touchy subject.
35
00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:44,833
I'm gonna check out this fancy picture place.
Rich guys always have pictures of themselves.
36
00:01:45,205 --> 00:01:47,571
My man. Do you, baby. Ha, ha.
37
00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:53,572
Gonna be honest. Nick owes me 1900 bucks.
So this here is my opportunity to get it back.
38
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:57,580
How are you expecting to get your money back
if he blows it all on stupid stuff?
39
00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,649
WINSTON:
Oh, don't worry, Jess, I have a plan.
40
00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:03,914
You don't have to con him.
If he owes you money, you could just ask him.
41
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,682
[LAUGHING]
42
00:02:08,995 --> 00:02:11,327
I just told you to ask him for the money.
43
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,266
WOMAN:
Smile. Ha, ha.
44
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,993
NICK:
Do the crystals make it look too glamorous?
45
00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:18,295
It's really glamorous.
46
00:02:18,505 --> 00:02:20,336
I don't know. I don't know what's cool.
47
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:23,998
- Could be a good time to start a bank account.
- Or flush it down the toilet.
48
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:26,940
- Not really the same thing.
- A bank is just a paper bag...
49
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,671
...but with fancier walls.
50
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:32,283
That's all it is. I'm gonna keep my money
where my mouth is.
51
00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:34,419
Um, under my nose.
52
00:02:34,621 --> 00:02:36,486
That saying actually does work.
53
00:02:42,462 --> 00:02:44,157
- What is that?
- This is my box.
54
00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:47,356
It's where I keep all my junk
I don't feel like dealing with.
55
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:51,503
- Looks like a lot of bills. It's mostly bills.
- Like I said, it's junk.
56
00:02:51,704 --> 00:02:56,107
I'm just brainstorming here. What if you pay
those bills with the money you just got?
57
00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:59,005
- Yeah, I'm gonna "pay my bills." Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.
58
00:02:59,212 --> 00:03:01,680
Then I'm gonna go to the "doctor"
and get a "checkup."
59
00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:04,509
Give them $500 to check my bones.
60
00:03:04,717 --> 00:03:06,878
You're being funny.
61
00:03:13,159 --> 00:03:15,650
Yeah, I was dating both of them
at the same time.
62
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:19,263
I'm a mess. I can't sleep. I urinate constantly.
63
00:03:19,465 --> 00:03:23,834
I cried the other day listening to a techno song.
My tweets have been extremely literal.
64
00:03:24,304 --> 00:03:27,637
- Were the girls Jewish?
- One Indian, one regular. Wanna see a picture?
65
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,867
I don't even know why you're here.
You come in and say, "Do you have a minute?"
66
00:03:32,078 --> 00:03:34,171
I'm sorry, rabbi. It's just that...
67
00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:36,507
Okay, it's much more simple.
68
00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:38,680
How can I be a better person?
69
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,375
Oh.
70
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:43,351
Well, you seem
aawully concerned with yourself.
71
00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:46,024
You might start thinking
about the needs of others.
72
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:50,128
I think about others all the time. What I can get
from them, how they can give me pleasure.
73
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:53,163
Do they have a silly little walk
that I can make fun of?
74
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:57,200
It's where you actually care
about somebody else.
75
00:03:57,403 --> 00:03:59,564
You put their needs ahead of your own.
76
00:03:59,772 --> 00:04:01,831
One of the few times I wish I was Catholic.
77
00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:04,168
Couple Hail Marys and I'd be off the hook.
78
00:04:04,677 --> 00:04:05,837
Huh?
79
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,341
[CAR HORN HONKS
THEN TIRES SQUEALING]
80
00:04:11,484 --> 00:04:13,179
[GASPING]
81
00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:15,148
Oh, God.
82
00:04:15,521 --> 00:04:17,250
Are you choking? You're choking.
83
00:04:17,457 --> 00:04:18,651
Okay.
84
00:04:19,025 --> 00:04:20,754
What, were you biking and eating?
85
00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:22,484
All right, I got you, I got you.
86
00:04:23,029 --> 00:04:25,862
Come on, live, live. Live, bike messenger.
87
00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:28,999
- Yeah.
- Thank you. You saved my life.
88
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,862
- What?
- You saved my life.
89
00:04:33,406 --> 00:04:35,874
You saved my life.
90
00:04:36,643 --> 00:04:37,701
- I did.
- Thank you.
91
00:04:37,910 --> 00:04:40,743
- Yes. Yes.
- Thank you.
92
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,873
Yes. Dude.
93
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:46,116
This is exactly what I needed. Oh, my God.
94
00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:48,014
Let us rejoice in song.
95
00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:50,348
[SINGING IN HEBREW]
96
00:04:50,556 --> 00:04:52,387
Please call 911.
97
00:04:52,825 --> 00:04:54,224
Hey, call 911. I'm hurt.
98
00:04:54,427 --> 00:04:57,396
Oh, you know, that's a great idea.
I'm gonna call 911.
99
00:04:57,597 --> 00:05:00,828
Hope you don't have a dance recital later.
Kidding. Don't look at your legs.
100
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:02,296
[GROANS]
101
00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:05,869
That's $900 to the Parking Authority
of Los Angeles.
102
00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:09,064
Oh, is it okay to mail cash?
103
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,872
I'm gonna do it anyway. It's on its way.
104
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:20,648
- These sliders are beautiful.
- I know.
105
00:05:20,853 --> 00:05:22,787
- I knew you would think that.
- I love them.
106
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,149
That's why I made them.
107
00:05:24,357 --> 00:05:25,881
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
108
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:30,353
- What is that?
- Brotherhood. Brotherhood, man.
109
00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:32,497
All right, I respect you, no matter what.
110
00:05:32,699 --> 00:05:37,432
That's what it's about, man.
Yeah, um, and in the spirit of brotherhood...
111
00:05:37,637 --> 00:05:41,164
...just because we on that level now,
I was thinking, maybe, I don't know...
112
00:05:41,374 --> 00:05:42,568
Anything, man, shoot.
113
00:05:42,775 --> 00:05:46,609
Oh, man, maybe you could just pay me back
that money that you owe me.
114
00:05:46,813 --> 00:05:49,043
Remember, because you owe me that money.
115
00:05:50,583 --> 00:05:53,984
- Nick? Nick? Nick?
- Oh.
116
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:57,987
- Oh, you stink.
- Nick. Hey, Nick, Nick, Nick.
117
00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,488
- Can we...?
- You son...
118
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:03,492
You son of a bitch, Winston.
That's what this was about?
119
00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:06,324
Nick, it's my money, okay?
Give it back to me.
120
00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:09,763
I make a little bit of money
and you come slipping out of the woodword.
121
00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:12,798
- You mean "woodwork"?
- What is woodwork?
122
00:06:13,005 --> 00:06:15,303
- What's woodword?
- Wood. Word. Wood. Word.
123
00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:19,137
That's where people like you come crawling
out of when people like me have money.
124
00:06:19,345 --> 00:06:20,642
WINSTON:
But you owe me that money.
125
00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:23,077
- Stay out of my box.
- Okay, I'm not in your box.
126
00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:27,148
- Jess gets it, right?
- Yeah, what the hell, dude?
127
00:06:27,353 --> 00:06:31,016
- I'm gonna go to the bar to blow off steam.
- That's a great idea. Go get loaded.
128
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,418
You deserve it. Black out.
129
00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:34,718
You're the only one that I trust around here.
130
00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:56,179
Whoa!
131
00:06:57,583 --> 00:06:58,880
You went through Nick's box.
132
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:05,117
It was so much worse than I thought.
133
00:07:06,058 --> 00:07:07,355
Why does he have the deed...
134
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,619
...to an old Mercury Cougar?
- He lost that.
135
00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:11,820
Where is it? We've been looking for hours.
136
00:07:12,031 --> 00:07:14,158
- It's done.
- What about your car, Nick?
137
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:17,029
I said it's done.
138
00:07:17,236 --> 00:07:20,364
I'll get the money back.
Bill collectors are reasonable people.
139
00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:23,098
- Makes sense.
- You better keep your mouth shut.
140
00:07:23,309 --> 00:07:24,333
I'll make you a deal.
141
00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:27,445
I'll keep my mouth shut
if you pay me the money Nick owes me.
142
00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:30,844
Are you trying to blackmail me?
143
00:07:32,018 --> 00:07:33,110
[GRUNTS]
144
00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:36,077
You don't scare me, Jess.
145
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:38,055
[SHOUTING]
146
00:07:38,257 --> 00:07:40,521
[BOTH SHOUTING]
147
00:07:42,094 --> 00:07:46,258
- How much does Nick owe you?
- Nineteen-hundred dollars.
148
00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:49,593
[SLURRING]
What is money anyway?
149
00:07:49,802 --> 00:07:55,035
It's just paper that some king on the mountain
said was worth something.
150
00:07:55,241 --> 00:07:58,802
You know, gold I understand. It's shiny.
151
00:07:59,011 --> 00:08:01,445
You can make jewelry out of it.
152
00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:03,080
Silver?
153
00:08:03,282 --> 00:08:06,911
Put a werewolf in front of me, he's dead.
154
00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:12,614
Brass creates the bells
that make sound throughout the land.
155
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:16,090
But we kill each other for paper.
156
00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:18,363
And I gotta tell you, man, that's sad.
157
00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:23,331
You give me $50,
I'll show you my private parts. Ha, ha.
158
00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:25,629
[ESCONDIDO'S "COLD OCTOBER"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
159
00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:29,307
Nicholas. Good yontef. Are you well?
160
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:30,999
No, but good yontef.
161
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:34,475
I'm all steamed up.
This money thing's tearing me apart, Schmidt.
162
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,705
If it's bothering you,
why don't you give it away?
163
00:08:36,916 --> 00:08:38,178
Son of a bitch.
164
00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:39,908
Not to me, Nick. To charity.
165
00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:43,020
- Or Tzedakah, as my people call it.
- That's what your people do?
166
00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:45,349
- Yeah.
- You beautiful genius.
167
00:08:45,558 --> 00:08:48,493
- Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha. I like that. That frees me of my worries.
168
00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:51,458
Look at that, another mitzvah.
I'm two for two. Nice.
169
00:08:51,664 --> 00:08:52,961
- I saved a man.
- Oh, my God.
170
00:08:53,165 --> 00:08:56,134
A lowly bike messenger, riding along,
choking on his gum...
171
00:08:56,335 --> 00:08:58,997
...and I performed Heimlich's maneuver,
rescued him.
172
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:00,638
- Great.
- Who's the good man now?
173
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,432
You're almost forced to admit it.
174
00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:05,202
Now, leaving you ain't easy
175
00:09:05,411 --> 00:09:07,675
- You're almost forced to admit it.
- Yeah, I know.
176
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,974
I'm a hero. Just tell me
that I'm a good man. I need to hear it.
177
00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:13,083
I'm don't even know if I'm a good person.
178
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:17,484
- I'm not the guy to ask. I have my moods.
- We're talking about how I'm a good person.
179
00:09:17,690 --> 00:09:20,158
- It'd be nice if you could say that.
- I'm ready to do a "Tzatziki."
180
00:09:20,359 --> 00:09:23,886
This is not about Tzedakah. This is about
me being a good man and you telling me.
181
00:09:24,096 --> 00:09:25,757
- Absolutely.
- So say it.
182
00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:28,024
- You got it.
- Say that I'm a good man.
183
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:30,134
I'm giving away my money.
I've been trying to listen to you...
184
00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:34,830
Damn it. You are so drunk right now.
And at the bar you work at, no less.
185
00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:37,271
What happens with the rest of your day?
Do you even think about that?
186
00:09:37,476 --> 00:09:39,273
You don't understand drinking at all.
187
00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:43,040
Yeah, go.
188
00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:46,111
Heathcliff!
189
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:49,755
Hi. I'd like to unpay some parking tickets.
190
00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:53,357
- Excuse me?
- I sent in a payment earlier...
191
00:09:53,559 --> 00:09:55,686
...and I've decided I don't want to pay them.
192
00:09:55,895 --> 00:09:57,021
Just cancel the checks.
193
00:09:57,229 --> 00:10:00,665
Can't do that because I paid cash.
My boyfriend doesn't believe in banks.
194
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,400
It's early in the relationship.
195
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,162
Still shaving above the knee,
if you know what I mean.
196
00:10:05,371 --> 00:10:08,807
Mm-hm. Let me get this straight.
You want me to watch the mail...
197
00:10:09,008 --> 00:10:11,238
...and let you know if I see anything
from your boyfriend.
198
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,672
- Exactly.
- Fantastic.
199
00:10:12,878 --> 00:10:15,438
- Should I call you or...?
- Text would be great.
200
00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:18,208
Perfect.
Let me put your number into my phone.
201
00:10:19,318 --> 00:10:22,082
- I didn't give you my number.
- Oh, I think you did.
202
00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:26,353
It's your lucky day, old friend.
I had an interesting talk with Schmidt.
203
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:29,119
I've decided to give away my fortune.
What do I owe you?
204
00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:31,929
- How much money...? Uh...
- Hey, guys. What's going on?
205
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,861
- Hey, Jess.
- It's Tzatziki, is what it's called.
206
00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:37,262
It's a Jewish charity.
207
00:10:39,505 --> 00:10:42,599
Nick was just about to pay me
the money that he owes me.
208
00:10:43,776 --> 00:10:44,834
JESS:
Wait.
209
00:10:52,551 --> 00:10:56,681
- Come on, what are you doing?
- I'm, um, lubing up, Sally?
210
00:10:56,889 --> 00:10:59,858
From ankles to ears? The door's locked.
You want me to bust in?
211
00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,586
Son of a...
212
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:06,423
It opened. Where are you?
213
00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:10,227
Um, I just was hot. I wanted some shade.
214
00:11:10,703 --> 00:11:11,897
Done that.
215
00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:16,708
Who took my money? Winston.
216
00:11:16,909 --> 00:11:20,606
It was me. It was me. It was me.
I'm so sorry. I went through your box.
217
00:11:20,813 --> 00:11:24,874
I just couldn't help it.
And I paid some of your bills and I'm so sorry.
218
00:11:26,318 --> 00:11:27,649
Hey, Nick.
219
00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:30,983
You're gonna leave me here? Nick...
220
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:33,021
That's fair.
221
00:11:36,562 --> 00:11:37,654
There he is.
222
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:41,630
Alive and well. Mazel. I brought you these.
223
00:11:43,002 --> 00:11:44,867
How's my brave little soldier?
224
00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:46,197
Not great.
225
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:49,374
They said that, um, I'm never gonna be able
to ride a bike again.
226
00:11:49,575 --> 00:11:51,338
- So there goes my job...
- Sure, sure.
227
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,034
Do you think I'm a good person?
228
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,840
Uh, I don't really know you.
229
00:11:57,050 --> 00:12:00,247
What more do you need to know?
If not for me, you probably would have died.
230
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:03,786
- Somebody would have come along.
- Just say that I'm a good person.
231
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,521
- Well, I mean... Ow!
- Why is it hard for you to say?
232
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:09,160
- Sorry. I'm so sorry.
- You're a good person.
233
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,387
- I am, you think so?
- Very good.
234
00:12:11,597 --> 00:12:15,363
Thank you for saying that.
That means a lot. Ha.
235
00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:18,067
- I finally feel like I can breathe again.
- Good.
236
00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:21,030
What happened to him?
237
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:25,176
He got smoked by a bus while he was
having a bake sale for cancer kids.
238
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:27,846
- For cancer kids?
- Yeah.
239
00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:29,708
Well, he's a great person.
240
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,975
Bad things happen to good people
all the time.
241
00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:35,350
Of course they do.
242
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,523
What am I even chasing here?
243
00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:39,623
What's the point of being a good person?
244
00:12:39,826 --> 00:12:42,920
Some say moral integrity
is the cornerstone to humanity.
245
00:12:43,129 --> 00:12:45,393
What do you know, you idiot?
You choked on gum.
246
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,589
Hey, don't shoot the bike messenger.
247
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,825
That is a terrible joke!
248
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:52,063
And none of this makes any sense.
249
00:13:04,884 --> 00:13:06,010
Hey, Nick.
250
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:07,379
[SIGHS]
251
00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:10,579
Look, I know you're really angry
and you have a right to be.
252
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,087
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I have the right to be?
253
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:16,125
Why do you feel like you need to fix me?
It's like you think you know better.
254
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:19,924
- I might know better than you.
- Huh!
255
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,361
Did you start a corporation?
256
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:25,400
- Is it "Fat Face"?
- I think so.
257
00:13:26,272 --> 00:13:28,433
- Yeah.
- You're getting taxed like crazy.
258
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:31,633
- I thought I was filing a patent.
- Fat Face is an invention?
259
00:13:31,844 --> 00:13:34,642
Kind of, in its intention... It was...
260
00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:38,182
- Are you a lifeguard?
- No. That is a false certificate.
261
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:39,908
Just a classic beach prank.
262
00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:41,882
- That seems dangerous.
- It's funny. Ha, ha.
263
00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:45,148
Because I can't swim.
Everyone was watching me and... I don't know.
264
00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:48,786
I was 13! I was 26.
265
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:51,259
This is the problem with the box:
It's my private stuff.
266
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:54,262
You've never once done jury duty
or paid your taxes.
267
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:56,935
Not until gay marriage is legal everywhere.
268
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,299
I stand by that.
269
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,996
And I don't want to do jury duty or pay taxes.
270
00:14:02,208 --> 00:14:05,974
Nick, you're in a so much debt, it's crazy.
You have to deal with this stuff.
271
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,374
No, I don't, Jess. It's in my box.
272
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:09,980
It's not true though.
273
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,310
It's not a perfect system, Jess...
274
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,816
...but it's mine, okay, and it's private.
275
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:18,115
I'm sorry I went through your box,
but I was just trying to help.
276
00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:21,122
Maybe I'll try to help you.
What if I went into your box?
277
00:14:22,061 --> 00:14:23,187
- Not that...
- Stop it.
278
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:26,126
I like that box, but I'm mad at you...
279
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,724
I'm back to you disrespected me.
280
00:14:28,935 --> 00:14:30,163
I was just trying to help.
281
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:32,633
How about this? Two can help, okay?
282
00:14:32,838 --> 00:14:35,033
If two are gonna help,
then I'll be one of them.
283
00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:37,835
Because two can tango on this dance, okay?
284
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:41,878
So you want to waltz,
well, you picked the wrong dance partner.
285
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,480
What? It's not...
286
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:46,243
Who needs changing, huh?
Who needs fixing?
287
00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:50,912
I'm gonna go through your personal drawers
and see what needs changing.
288
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:56,758
- What are you, a zoo elephant?
- Those are my night peanuts.
289
00:14:56,963 --> 00:15:00,194
There shouldn't be day peanuts
and night peanuts. Just peanuts.
290
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:01,923
I'm sorry, why is that weird?
291
00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:04,364
You just have a bunch of boxes?
I would change that.
292
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:07,061
Oh, you have a bunch of metal toothpicks.
293
00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:09,002
- Bobby pins.
- What's a bobby pins?
294
00:15:09,208 --> 00:15:11,608
- It keeps your hair back.
- You need bobby's pins to put your hair up?
295
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:14,439
It's "bobby pins," not "bobby's pins."
296
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:16,410
- What is this?
- Yarn.
297
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,083
Are you knitting a mansion?
298
00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:20,343
Oh, look at this. What do we have here?
299
00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:23,215
- A bunch of beat-up old sacks.
- My vintage purses.
300
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,447
Well, you know what, they could be sexier.
301
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,888
You want my purses to be sexier?
302
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:31,359
Would it kill you to get something sleek,
covered in gems for once...?
303
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:34,362
You want my purses
to be covered in gemstones?
304
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,535
All guys do. That's what we think is sexy.
305
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:38,533
We wanna be playing a saxophone
in an alley...
306
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:42,037
...and have you walk by in a miniskirt
with a purse with gems.
307
00:15:42,241 --> 00:15:44,266
- But you girls don't listen.
- What?
308
00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:45,870
- Change you.
- No.
309
00:15:46,078 --> 00:15:48,205
- This all needs changing.
- Hey, no, no...
310
00:15:48,414 --> 00:15:49,904
- That's disrespectful.
- Done.
311
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:51,276
- Nick, stop it.
- No.
312
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,315
This is the grossest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
313
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:55,316
- I got that for a nickel.
- Disgusting.
314
00:15:55,521 --> 00:15:58,820
- You're just trying to get a rise out of me.
- Oh, my God.
315
00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:00,890
- Got a lot of compliments on that one.
- Gone.
316
00:16:01,093 --> 00:16:02,617
- Nick.
- What?
317
00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:07,561
Stop it. Look, I like you the way you are.
I'm just asking you to grow a little.
318
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:11,567
Are we ever gonna get to the point
where you stop working on me?
319
00:16:12,071 --> 00:16:14,869
Well, instead of changing me...
320
00:16:15,074 --> 00:16:18,407
...maybe once, Jess, see it my way.
321
00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:21,136
Well, your way's crazy. And illegal.
322
00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:23,645
This is me. Take it or leave it.
323
00:16:23,849 --> 00:16:25,646
I'm not changing for anyone.
324
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,622
Where are you going?
325
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:34,588
If you have something to say, say it.
Don't write a note.
326
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:40,763
That the money I spent.
327
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,700
- Do what you want with it.
- Thank you.
328
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:50,471
Couple of best-friend horses. That's neat.
329
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:51,870
What else can you get...?
330
00:16:55,314 --> 00:16:56,474
[SIGHS]
331
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:03,018
It doesn't make any sense.
332
00:17:03,222 --> 00:17:05,656
Can you not see I'm in the middle
of a Bar Mitzvah class here?
333
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,052
Yeah, they should hear this.
334
00:17:07,259 --> 00:17:10,194
A man helping cancer kids
got creamed by a bus today.
335
00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:14,196
- Everything happens for a reason.
- What if it doesn't happen for a reason?
336
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,368
Maybe there aren't good guys
and bad guys.
337
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:18,696
Maybe there are just winners and losers.
338
00:17:18,904 --> 00:17:23,170
I was beating myself up, but, heh,
maybe I should have been celebrating.
339
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,105
Have you ever dated two women at once?
340
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:28,142
What are you talking about? I went to camp.
They used to call me the octopus.
341
00:17:28,347 --> 00:17:31,748
- Clearly, you have not.
- Enough. You get out of here.
342
00:17:31,951 --> 00:17:33,714
- Out.
- Don't "out" me.
343
00:17:33,919 --> 00:17:35,682
- You're getting a little handsy there.
- Get out.
344
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:38,379
I realized nothing matters and that's great.
Know why?
345
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,582
Because if nothing matters,
we can do whatever we want.
346
00:17:41,026 --> 00:17:43,256
Avram, Julio!
347
00:17:43,963 --> 00:17:46,227
- Get away from me, man.
- Kick his ass.
348
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,264
All right, okay. YOLO, YOLO.
349
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:52,170
Nick's right.
350
00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:54,032
I have too many purses.
351
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,798
You're addicted to purses.
352
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,101
I'm addicted to development fluid. I get it.
353
00:17:59,311 --> 00:18:00,539
This one's for meat.
354
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:03,078
- And this one's for shells.
- You know what?
355
00:18:03,282 --> 00:18:06,513
- Keep them. They're yours.
- Okay, thanks.
356
00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:08,380
The ass of your pants is missing.
357
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:10,150
It's for the kitty cats.
358
00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:11,846
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
359
00:18:12,391 --> 00:18:14,018
- My phone's ringing.
- Sure. Ha, ha.
360
00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:17,858
- Hello?
- I'm like a pretty lady.
361
00:18:18,397 --> 00:18:20,297
What's happening?
362
00:18:20,699 --> 00:18:21,859
Sorry to bother you.
363
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:25,465
This man was trying to open an account
with a check in your name...
364
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:29,300
...and a paper bag full of money.
- Please stop hovering? I'm being cooperative.
365
00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:32,340
It's fine. He's okay. Thank you.
366
00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:37,045
Opening a bank account, huh?
367
00:18:37,249 --> 00:18:41,083
- Yeah, I, uh, realized something.
- What?
368
00:18:42,488 --> 00:18:44,956
I'd do anything for you, Jess.
369
00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:47,049
Hey.
370
00:18:49,995 --> 00:18:51,690
Thank you.
371
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:56,098
All right, Mr. Miller,
your checking account is good to go.
372
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,236
There's an $8 processing fee.
373
00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:01,406
Eight dollars? That's a very specific amount.
374
00:19:06,512 --> 00:19:09,481
- That's fine. It's your world, your rules.
- Excellent.
375
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:11,946
If you go to the castle,
you gotta pay the king.
376
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:17,852
What is processing? What does that mean?
377
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:21,424
It's just a word you use
to make more money off of us.
378
00:19:21,627 --> 00:19:23,492
- That makes me mad.
- Me too. Yeah.
379
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,630
Hey, how about this? What's a bank?
380
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:28,766
- It's just a paper bag with walls.
- Yeah.
381
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:31,163
You're making some really,
really good points.
382
00:19:31,403 --> 00:19:34,304
You are the puppeteers
that puppet the world.
383
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,531
NICK:
No more banks.
384
00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:38,505
Or some banks, I don't care,
but I want my money on a boat.
385
00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:40,906
I understood at least 30 percent
of the financial crisis.
386
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:44,514
And guess what I got from that? You suck.
387
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:47,481
- Yeah.
- You suck so hard.
388
00:19:47,953 --> 00:19:49,818
I'm gonna process this man's face.
389
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,047
Because I think he's great.
390
00:19:52,258 --> 00:19:55,022
And I'm crazy about him.
391
00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:58,458
Fine, I'll waive the fee.
392
00:19:58,664 --> 00:20:01,997
Yeah! We won $8.
393
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,101
Just wait till you have children.
394
00:20:04,303 --> 00:20:07,101
You'll never touch each other again.
395
00:20:07,339 --> 00:20:09,830
JESS: Banks suck, banks suck, banks suck.
NICK: Ha, ha!
396
00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:16,539
- What happened to you?
- Got beat up by some rabbis.
397
00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:20,845
Well, Winston, we're all alone.
Nothing matters.
398
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:24,511
Look, Schmidt, stop, all right?
You're a good man.
399
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:27,055
You did a bad thing, doesn't make you bad.
400
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:30,592
You just have to try to be better. You know?
401
00:20:32,097 --> 00:20:36,557
I've been waiting all day for somebody
to tell me that. I appreciate it. Thank you.
402
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:38,168
I want you to have something.
403
00:20:38,370 --> 00:20:41,339
Winston, literally,
a gift is the last thing I deser...
404
00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:46,845
- Here you go.
- This is a candelabra.
405
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,413
Yeah. I bought it with the money
that Nick owed me.
406
00:20:50,616 --> 00:20:52,811
- This is what you spent it on?
- It's yours.
407
00:20:53,018 --> 00:20:55,748
"May it illuminate your path...
408
00:20:55,988 --> 00:21:00,425
...and lead you out of the darkness."
That what it says on the bottom.
409
00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:03,991
"May it illuminate your path
and lead you out of the darkness."
410
00:21:04,363 --> 00:21:06,228
Uh, thank you for this. Really.
411
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:09,595
Look at it every single day and tell yourself:
412
00:21:09,802 --> 00:21:12,134
"I'm a good person." Because you are.
413
00:21:12,338 --> 00:21:15,034
You know what I might do?
And it might seem like the opposite...
414
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,504
...what I'm thinking is maybe
I put it away somewhere...
415
00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:21,077
...like in the back of my closet
so to keep away from thieves.
416
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,611
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
417
00:21:22,815 --> 00:21:23,839
Can you be honest?
418
00:21:24,049 --> 00:21:26,540
How many times you rub this
and think a genie was gonna come out?
419
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:30,786
- I rubbed it like three times.
- Yeah. I thought so.
420
00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:32,854
- I'm not...
- lf a genie did come out...
421
00:21:33,058 --> 00:21:34,457
...what would you wish for?
- Ha, ha.
422
00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:36,890
- More candelabras.
- Yeah, I bet.
Ripped By mstoll