1
00:00:01,990 --> 00:00:03,132
Okay, everyone
2
00:00:03,150 --> 00:00:05,432
time to divvy up
what's in the Lost & Found box.
3
00:00:05,650 --> 00:00:08,232
If my dignity's in there,
tell it I say "What up."
4
00:00:09,415 --> 00:00:11,017
This is my favorite
day of the month.
5
00:00:11,715 --> 00:00:13,917
Oh, God, I've fallen
so far so fast.
6
00:00:15,033 --> 00:00:16,832
You haven't fallen that far.
7
00:00:16,833 --> 00:00:18,132
First item--
A scrunchie.
8
00:00:18,133 --> 00:00:20,668
I need that.
Give me!
9
00:00:20,669 --> 00:00:23,437
I think I hit my bottom.
10
00:00:23,438 --> 00:00:25,105
Okay, next item.
11
00:00:25,106 --> 00:00:26,507
A pregnancy test.
12
00:00:26,508 --> 00:00:28,809
That's empty.
What?
13
00:00:28,810 --> 00:00:32,012
I had two free minutes,
and you never know.
14
00:00:32,013 --> 00:00:34,181
Can we move this along?
15
00:00:34,182 --> 00:00:37,451
I'm an old man,
and I need to get to bed.
16
00:00:37,452 --> 00:00:39,953
You are late to meet woman
for hot date.
17
00:00:39,954 --> 00:00:42,323
You know it.
18
00:00:42,324 --> 00:00:45,492
A wallet and...
19
00:00:45,493 --> 00:00:48,395
No money.
20
00:00:48,396 --> 00:00:50,064
What?
If I was pregnant,
21
00:00:50,065 --> 00:00:52,668
I needed it for the baby.
22
00:00:54,669 --> 00:00:58,072
And finally
for the sixth month in a row...
23
00:00:58,073 --> 00:00:59,473
The wig.
24
00:00:59,474 --> 00:01:02,843
The wig!
25
00:01:02,844 --> 00:01:04,645
Han, it's your turn.
26
00:01:04,646 --> 00:01:06,146
We have all put it on
except you.
27
00:01:06,147 --> 00:01:08,048
If I had to take
a picture in it,
28
00:01:08,049 --> 00:01:09,883
you have to take
a picture in it.
29
00:01:09,884 --> 00:01:11,218
Okay, fine.
30
00:01:11,219 --> 00:01:13,387
Man, I'm a fun boss.
31
00:01:21,263 --> 00:01:23,097
Oh, sorry, sir.
We're closed.
32
00:01:23,098 --> 00:01:25,566
I was just checking
if I left my toupee here.
33
00:01:25,567 --> 00:01:28,335
Take the picture quick.
34
00:01:29,838 --> 00:01:32,039
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
35
00:01:33,842 --> 00:01:36,912
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
36
00:01:36,913 --> 00:01:41,912
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
37
00:01:46,137 --> 00:01:47,270
I got it.
Here it is.
38
00:01:47,271 --> 00:01:48,638
The new Martha Stewart Living.
39
00:01:48,639 --> 00:01:50,240
I ran so fast,
the librarian said,
40
00:01:50,241 --> 00:01:52,275
"Stop running in the library,"
and I almost said,
41
00:01:52,276 --> 00:01:54,477
"This is different.
I'm stealing."
42
00:01:54,478 --> 00:01:56,112
Why are you still even looking
43
00:01:56,113 --> 00:01:57,947
through Martha Stewart Living
every month?
44
00:01:57,948 --> 00:01:59,449
'Cause we might be mentioned
in it.
45
00:01:59,450 --> 00:02:00,817
Martha said she hadn't forgotten
about us.
46
00:02:00,818 --> 00:02:02,118
That's what my mother said,
47
00:02:02,119 --> 00:02:03,486
but I spent
a whole day and night
48
00:02:03,487 --> 00:02:04,988
in that school parking lot.
49
00:02:05,489 --> 00:02:07,690
Silver lining--
I still know the whole rap part
50
00:02:07,691 --> 00:02:09,759
to TLC's Waterfalls.
51
00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:11,828
Well, I'm still holding out
hope we're in this,
52
00:02:11,829 --> 00:02:14,264
even though I've been hurt
two months in a row.
53
00:02:14,265 --> 00:02:15,932
Oh, God, am I
in an abusive relationship
54
00:02:15,933 --> 00:02:17,801
with a lifestyle guru?
55
00:02:19,202 --> 00:02:21,471
Okay, let's get this
over with.
56
00:02:21,472 --> 00:02:23,439
"How to make him
love your salmon."
57
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:24,841
"How to make him
love your stretch marks."
58
00:02:24,842 --> 00:02:27,177
Hey, he just doesn't love you.
59
00:02:27,178 --> 00:02:29,345
Activia ad, Activia ad,
Activia ad.
60
00:02:29,346 --> 00:02:31,948
We get it, Jamie Lee.
You poop lot.
61
00:02:31,949 --> 00:02:35,051
- "Get your oven Martha-clean,"
"Max's something cupcakes"
62
00:02:35,052 --> 00:02:37,854
scarf, scarf, scarf.
Wait, Max's cupcakes?
63
00:02:37,855 --> 00:02:39,923
You just said,
"Max's something cupcakes."
64
00:02:39,924 --> 00:02:42,892
I did?
Wow, my ears are so not used
65
00:02:42,893 --> 00:02:44,727
to anything good
coming out of my mouth.
66
00:02:44,728 --> 00:02:46,162
There.
There. Look.
67
00:02:46,163 --> 00:02:47,997
"Max's Homemade Cupcakes
68
00:02:47,998 --> 00:02:51,201
is a Williamsburg must-have."
69
00:02:51,202 --> 00:02:52,902
What's this?
What's my face doing?
70
00:02:52,903 --> 00:02:55,405
- You're smiling, Max.
- No way!
71
00:02:55,406 --> 00:02:56,906
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
72
00:02:56,907 --> 00:02:58,741
It's a blurb.
Everyone, we got a blurb
73
00:02:58,742 --> 00:03:00,210
in Martha Stewart Living.
74
00:03:00,211 --> 00:03:01,678
Can I get
some more coffee?
75
00:03:01,679 --> 00:03:03,746
Are you insane?
76
00:03:03,747 --> 00:03:06,015
Hey, everyone.
77
00:03:06,016 --> 00:03:07,283
What's the excitement?
78
00:03:07,284 --> 00:03:09,552
Is it 'cause I'm here?
79
00:03:10,553 --> 00:03:11,921
Sophie, look,
Max's homemade cupcakes
80
00:03:11,922 --> 00:03:13,957
got a blurb
in Martha Stewart Living.
81
00:03:13,958 --> 00:03:15,792
Oh, that's funny,
82
00:03:16,293 --> 00:03:19,562
'cause I got a blurb
in New York Apartment Life.
83
00:03:20,063 --> 00:03:23,700
Look. "Sophie's Choice
Cleaning Service--"
84
00:03:24,201 --> 00:03:27,437
they clean
like their life depends on it."
85
00:03:28,438 --> 00:03:30,807
Well, that's not exactly
the same.
86
00:03:30,808 --> 00:03:35,912
No, 'cause, look,
I got three plungers.
87
00:03:35,913 --> 00:03:38,581
Yeah, but I didn't want
to brag.
88
00:03:38,582 --> 00:03:40,483
That must be Andy
89
00:03:40,484 --> 00:03:42,285
wondering if I'm coming over
to have sex tonight.
90
00:03:42,286 --> 00:03:44,921
Could my life
get any better?
91
00:03:45,922 --> 00:03:47,423
Oh, my God.
It could get better.
92
00:03:47,424 --> 00:03:49,492
There are, like,
ten cupcake orders here.
93
00:03:49,493 --> 00:03:51,327
Birthday,
baby shower, bris.
94
00:03:51,328 --> 00:03:53,096
Can we do a bris?
95
00:03:53,097 --> 00:03:55,031
Sure. I'll just make
a little rosette foreskin
96
00:03:55,032 --> 00:03:56,666
and write around the outside,
97
00:03:56,667 --> 00:04:01,037
"Congratulations on not
terrifying women in 20 years."
98
00:04:03,106 --> 00:04:03,840
Hey, Andy.
99
00:04:03,841 --> 00:04:05,008
Hi, candy.
100
00:04:06,009 --> 00:04:06,743
Did you see it?
101
00:04:06,744 --> 00:04:08,411
Did you see
the new Martha Stewart Living?
102
00:04:08,412 --> 00:04:10,213
Oh, sorry, no.
I still have to get
103
00:04:10,214 --> 00:04:12,515
through my Glamour
and Modern Bride.
104
00:04:12,516 --> 00:04:15,685
And I had sisters, so I'm
allowed to know those names.
105
00:04:15,686 --> 00:04:17,387
"A Williamsburg must-have."
Nice.
106
00:04:17,388 --> 00:04:19,055
You know I feel
the same way about you.
107
00:04:19,056 --> 00:04:21,257
Aw, cute, but it really
doesn't mean anything
108
00:04:21,258 --> 00:04:23,927
unless it's in a blurb.
109
00:04:23,928 --> 00:04:25,561
I couldn't wait
to show this to you.
110
00:04:25,562 --> 00:04:27,597
I'm so glad you were here late
doing inventory.
111
00:04:27,598 --> 00:04:29,132
Yeah, you know,
it's the weirdest thing.
112
00:04:29,133 --> 00:04:30,833
The only thing
I can't account for
113
00:04:30,834 --> 00:04:33,002
is one missing
Elvis pez dispenser, Max.
114
00:04:34,003 --> 00:04:36,773
Um, I don't know what
you're talking about, but...
115
00:04:37,274 --> 00:04:39,208
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
116
00:04:39,209 --> 00:04:41,010
Can we please get back
to the blurb?
117
00:04:41,011 --> 00:04:42,478
Sorry.
You're right.
118
00:04:42,479 --> 00:04:44,280
I should have made
a bigger deal about it.
119
00:04:44,281 --> 00:04:45,515
It's just I've been
a little freaked out.
120
00:04:45,516 --> 00:04:46,816
We had
some big drama here today.
121
00:04:46,817 --> 00:04:48,685
Drama in a candy store?
122
00:04:48,686 --> 00:04:50,753
Did the yogurt-covered craisins
finally realize
123
00:04:50,754 --> 00:04:54,023
how stupid they are
and commit mass suicide?
124
00:04:54,024 --> 00:04:55,758
No, but seriously
they pulled some bodies
125
00:04:55,759 --> 00:04:57,694
out of the closed-down soup
kitchen across the way tonight.
126
00:04:58,695 --> 00:05:01,597
So now we're completely
off the blurb?
127
00:05:01,598 --> 00:05:03,700
Some guys broke in.
A bunch of people got shot.
128
00:05:03,701 --> 00:05:05,868
Apparently, it was
a drug deal gone wrong.
129
00:05:05,869 --> 00:05:07,370
Oh, my God.
That's horrible.
130
00:05:07,371 --> 00:05:11,441
I know. Why can't a drug deal
ever go right?
131
00:05:11,442 --> 00:05:13,609
Hey, they said
it was a real bloodbath.
132
00:05:13,610 --> 00:05:15,347
I want to see it!
133
00:05:17,348 --> 00:05:20,650
Oh, okay, so I'm closing
the magazine then?
134
00:05:21,651 --> 00:05:22,352
Max, you can't go in there.
135
00:05:22,353 --> 00:05:24,587
It's a crime scene.
There's police tape.
136
00:05:27,925 --> 00:05:29,659
Is she magic?
137
00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:32,729
One of my mom's boyfriends
used to rob electronic stores.
138
00:05:32,730 --> 00:05:35,264
He took me once
for my birthday.
139
00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:40,670
Hmm, there should be
a light switch around here.
140
00:05:41,171 --> 00:05:43,673
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, that's really gross.
141
00:05:43,674 --> 00:05:45,341
That's the greatest thing
I've ever seen!
142
00:05:47,342 --> 00:05:49,078
Take a picture
of me over here.
143
00:05:49,079 --> 00:05:51,950
I finally have a reason
to join Instagram.
144
00:05:53,951 --> 00:05:56,252
People are gonna be like,
"food, food,
145
00:05:56,253 --> 00:05:59,223
cat, food, nails, nails,
murder?"
146
00:06:01,224 --> 00:06:02,458
Guys, I can't be in here.
147
00:06:02,459 --> 00:06:05,461
I get queasy if the meat juice
touches my peas.
148
00:06:05,462 --> 00:06:07,296
Is this
your first blood splatter?
149
00:06:07,297 --> 00:06:10,299
Jeez, someone's a princess.
150
00:06:10,300 --> 00:06:12,635
Man, they are never gonna be
able to rent this place now.
151
00:06:12,636 --> 00:06:14,737
I'm gonna go over to my store
and put blood on the walls
152
00:06:14,738 --> 00:06:16,640
so Max will like it more.
153
00:06:18,641 --> 00:06:19,742
Max, look around.
154
00:06:19,743 --> 00:06:21,177
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
155
00:06:21,178 --> 00:06:23,079
Yup.
The shooter stood here,
156
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,313
and, based
on the blood splatter,
157
00:06:24,314 --> 00:06:26,182
he was short
and walked with a limp.
158
00:06:27,003 --> 00:06:28,451
And his name was Mad Dog.
159
00:06:28,452 --> 00:06:30,486
'Cause I want that
to be his name.
160
00:06:31,007 --> 00:06:33,756
No, Max, you know how we've
always wanted our own shop?
161
00:06:33,997 --> 00:06:35,124
This is it.
162
00:06:35,425 --> 00:06:37,427
This is Max's homemade cupcakes.
163
00:06:37,928 --> 00:06:40,029
Oh.
Yeah, I see that.
164
00:06:40,030 --> 00:06:41,631
And we can put our red velvets
over there
165
00:06:41,632 --> 00:06:44,867
by the random skull fragments.
166
00:06:45,118 --> 00:06:47,553
Besides, I thought our shop
was gonna be in Manhattan.
167
00:06:47,554 --> 00:06:48,788
Manhattan's over.
168
00:06:48,789 --> 00:06:50,956
Williamsburg
is the new hot area,
169
00:06:50,957 --> 00:06:54,260
and besides Martha's blurb says
we're a Williamsburg must-have,
170
00:06:54,261 --> 00:06:56,128
so we must have this space.
171
00:06:56,129 --> 00:06:59,265
No, we must have the money.
172
00:06:59,266 --> 00:07:02,268
I mean, this place has got
to be, like, $4,000 a month.
173
00:07:02,269 --> 00:07:04,570
Was.
Was $4,000 a month.
174
00:07:04,571 --> 00:07:08,774
That was the pre-tragedy price.
175
00:07:08,775 --> 00:07:11,278
When people die,
it's a buyer's market.
176
00:07:12,779 --> 00:07:15,047
You want to rent a room
in that Shining hotel now,
177
00:07:15,048 --> 00:07:17,049
it's, like, 50 bucks a night.
178
00:07:17,050 --> 00:07:19,485
Well, obviously
I wanna start a business
179
00:07:19,486 --> 00:07:21,787
in a place where there
was a shooting spree.
180
00:07:21,788 --> 00:07:25,224
And, if we go with red,
it's half painted.
181
00:07:25,225 --> 00:07:27,093
But where are we
gonna get the money?
182
00:07:27,094 --> 00:07:29,428
This blurb is our money
in the bank.
183
00:07:29,429 --> 00:07:31,230
Oh, yeah, that's another thing
we don't have.
184
00:07:31,231 --> 00:07:32,498
A bank.
185
00:07:32,499 --> 00:07:34,500
There are places
set up by women
186
00:07:34,501 --> 00:07:37,103
specifically to support
other women's small businesses.
187
00:07:37,104 --> 00:07:40,306
I'm talking
girl-on-girl financing.
188
00:07:40,307 --> 00:07:42,908
That's hot.
189
00:07:42,909 --> 00:07:44,844
But I don't care
how much money they offer us.
190
00:07:44,845 --> 00:07:47,413
I'm not braiding anyone's hair.
191
00:07:47,414 --> 00:07:48,781
But are we ready?
192
00:07:49,282 --> 00:07:50,750
Okay, yes.
193
00:07:50,751 --> 00:07:53,119
This is a big leap of faith,
but we're getting in
194
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,820
lots of orders now
thanks to the blurb.
195
00:07:54,821 --> 00:07:57,089
And what's the worst thing
that could happen?
196
00:07:57,090 --> 00:08:00,493
Um, maybe these
could be our brains.
197
00:08:00,494 --> 00:08:02,461
No, not gonna happen.
198
00:08:02,462 --> 00:08:03,529
We're gonna kill it.
199
00:08:03,530 --> 00:08:05,331
No disrespect to any spirits
200
00:08:05,332 --> 00:08:07,967
still trying to find
their way into the light.
201
00:08:07,968 --> 00:08:09,301
I'll figure out a place,
and we'll go
202
00:08:09,302 --> 00:08:10,936
first thing in the morning.
203
00:08:10,937 --> 00:08:12,838
Find something business-y
to wear, less cleavage.
204
00:08:12,839 --> 00:08:15,775
Oh, these are all business.
205
00:08:15,776 --> 00:08:18,310
Great, I'm gonna go find Andy.
206
00:08:18,311 --> 00:08:22,381
What is it about real estate
that makes you wanna dry hump?
207
00:08:24,651 --> 00:08:26,152
Max, I'm so excited.
208
00:08:26,153 --> 00:08:27,620
We're getting our dream.
209
00:08:27,621 --> 00:08:29,488
You look like you want a hug.
210
00:08:29,489 --> 00:08:30,958
I do.
211
00:08:38,298 --> 00:08:39,900
Good night.
212
00:08:47,977 --> 00:08:49,694
"Max's Homemade Cupcakes,"
213
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,648
you're up.
214
00:08:54,150 --> 00:08:55,400
Caroline,
why didn't you pick up?
215
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,035
They just called us early,
and I don't know
216
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,653
what to write on the paper.
217
00:08:58,655 --> 00:09:01,039
And I feel like an idiot,
my boobs are suffocating,
218
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:04,192
and the only "business" thing
I could find was Han's blazer.
219
00:09:04,194 --> 00:09:06,795
It's itchy, and there's
a piece of paper in the pocket
220
00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:07,862
with his name on it.
221
00:09:07,864 --> 00:09:09,380
Why would he have that?
222
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,500
"Max's Homemade Cupcakes,"
223
00:09:12,502 --> 00:09:13,802
time is money.
224
00:09:13,804 --> 00:09:15,420
Um, here.
225
00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:17,972
But our appointment's
not for another 20 minutes.
226
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,642
Have a seat.
227
00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:22,376
Cool place.
228
00:09:22,378 --> 00:09:24,545
Women's small businesses.
229
00:09:24,547 --> 00:09:26,481
Sisters doing it for themselves.
230
00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,399
Well, I'm doing it
231
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,852
for the medical benefits.
232
00:09:30,854 --> 00:09:33,154
- Go.
- Oh, now?
233
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,356
Before she gets here?
234
00:09:35,358 --> 00:09:37,909
Um, well, I'm not really much
of a business person.
235
00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:42,163
Great way to start
a business loan application.
236
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:43,564
Go!
237
00:09:43,566 --> 00:09:44,769
You have a minute.
238
00:09:48,771 --> 00:09:53,258
Okay, well, um,
how much time do I have now?
239
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,627
Slightly less than a minute.
240
00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:59,047
Okay, uh, my business partner
241
00:09:59,049 --> 00:10:01,049
could explain this
better than me, but I'll try.
242
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:05,019
We have a cupcake business.
243
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:09,057
And we bake cupcakes
in my roommate's bedroom.
244
00:10:10,059 --> 00:10:11,392
I can't hear you.
245
00:10:11,894 --> 00:10:14,946
You want to write it down,
draw it, shape it in clay?
246
00:10:16,448 --> 00:10:17,699
I would have
filled this out more,
247
00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:19,868
but that chick over there
wouldn't let me cheat off her.
248
00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:22,103
She's not a girl's girl,
know what I mean?
249
00:10:23,105 --> 00:10:24,956
Very professional.
250
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:27,208
Under past loan repayment,
251
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:31,129
you put, "Paid Todd back
all the beer money I owed."
252
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,965
To be fair,
he was drunk all the time.
253
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,333
I could have just said I did.
254
00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:36,668
Points for honesty.
255
00:10:37,670 --> 00:10:40,471
Let's get you
a new loan application.
256
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:41,956
Just got your message.
257
00:10:41,958 --> 00:10:43,791
The one time I don't come early.
258
00:10:43,793 --> 00:10:48,396
Speaking of that, I just had
the most amazing orgasm.
259
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:50,014
I mean, we've been having
really great sex,
260
00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:53,401
but this morning,
I could not get enough of his--
261
00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:57,305
projected growth ratio
investment analysis.
262
00:10:57,307 --> 00:10:58,606
Hello, Caroline Channing.
263
00:10:58,608 --> 00:10:59,991
Wharton class of '09.
264
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,410
That's our business proposal.
265
00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:03,811
And I would be
a little embarrassed
266
00:11:03,813 --> 00:11:05,330
about what just happened
if I didn't know
267
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:06,814
that we're all just girls here.
268
00:11:06,816 --> 00:11:08,700
Can we move this along?
269
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:12,036
I got a busted toilet
and a pregnant dog at home.
270
00:11:14,256 --> 00:11:16,374
Why didn't you tell me
she was under there?
271
00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:18,543
Oh, sorry,
I wasn't expecting a monologue
272
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:20,762
from
Confessions of a Call Girl.
273
00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:23,598
I'm afraid we're gonna have
to deny the loan.
274
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,517
Why? Because she had
a good orgasm?
275
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,771
Isn't that what the '70s
was about for you gals?
276
00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:32,023
You have no business history.
277
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,775
And that's a requirement for us.
278
00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:36,194
Well, I think we're done here.
279
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,646
Yeah.
I just said that.
280
00:11:38,648 --> 00:11:40,014
I thought you guys were
281
00:11:40,016 --> 00:11:42,200
about supporting
small women's business.
282
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:45,019
And this small woman's
"bidness" needs support
283
00:11:45,021 --> 00:11:47,322
after the pounding
it took today.
284
00:11:47,324 --> 00:11:49,574
Max, let's go.
285
00:11:54,029 --> 00:11:56,030
Okay, there's a bank
in New Hampshire
286
00:11:56,032 --> 00:11:58,366
that doesn't check anything.
287
00:11:58,368 --> 00:12:01,035
And before someone else
grabs our cupcake space,
288
00:12:01,037 --> 00:12:02,587
I say we get on a bus
and go up there.
289
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:04,339
They won't give out
their exact address,
290
00:12:04,341 --> 00:12:06,341
but I know they're in
a mini mall with a white castle.
291
00:12:06,343 --> 00:12:07,708
Better idea.
292
00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:10,178
I went to Craigslist,
293
00:12:10,180 --> 00:12:12,764
clicked on "etc" and found
294
00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:15,233
all kinds of opportunities
to make some cash.
295
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,852
I'm fighting the instinct
to weep, but keep going.
296
00:12:17,854 --> 00:12:20,388
At first I thought
I might call pit pig.
297
00:12:20,390 --> 00:12:21,906
He just wants
his armpits smelled,
298
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,241
but that's, like, 1,000 sniffs.
299
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:25,109
Big commitment.
300
00:12:25,111 --> 00:12:28,279
Or there's the weirdo
looking for pretty amputees,
301
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:29,831
but that feels
like a bigger commitment.
302
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:32,166
So, check it.
303
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:33,368
"Egg donors needed.
304
00:12:33,370 --> 00:12:34,686
Ten to twenty grand."
305
00:12:34,688 --> 00:12:37,121
No way,
I could never sell my eggs.
306
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:38,423
I mean, wouldn't you
hate to think
307
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:39,841
you had a kid out there
and not know it?
308
00:12:39,843 --> 00:12:41,211
I probably do.
309
00:12:43,213 --> 00:12:46,931
In 2006, I invented the Four Loko
and Robitussin smoothie.
310
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,599
It's pretty much
a blackout year.
311
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,386
Seriously, for the right price
I'd sell 'em all.
312
00:12:51,388 --> 00:12:52,754
Really?
313
00:12:52,756 --> 00:12:54,822
I mean,
I know you've always been tough.
314
00:12:54,824 --> 00:12:56,090
To hear you tell it,
you were part
315
00:12:56,092 --> 00:12:57,759
of an underground
baby fight club.
316
00:12:57,761 --> 00:12:59,777
But don't you wanna be
a mom some day?
317
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,595
In the history of the world,
318
00:13:01,597 --> 00:13:03,764
give me one example
of a really good mother.
319
00:13:04,266 --> 00:13:05,566
You're putting me on the spot.
320
00:13:05,568 --> 00:13:07,652
All I can think of
is Hilary Duff.
321
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:09,988
Look, you're complicating this
322
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,990
with these things
you call emotions.
323
00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:13,441
Like it or not...
324
00:13:15,445 --> 00:13:17,612
I'm an egg farm.
325
00:13:17,614 --> 00:13:20,381
Because we don't know one single
person outside of New Hampshire
326
00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:21,883
who can lend us
that kind of money.
327
00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:26,220
Yoo-hoo, girls,
look out the window.
328
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:30,292
Up here!
It's me!
329
00:13:31,794 --> 00:13:35,763
Oleg and I would like
two cupcakes please.
330
00:13:36,765 --> 00:13:38,516
I feel weird
asking Sophie for money.
331
00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,184
And how do we
even know she has any?
332
00:13:40,186 --> 00:13:42,186
Well, she's building
her dream house in Poland
333
00:13:42,188 --> 00:13:44,138
between a former death camp
and a new W.
334
00:13:44,140 --> 00:13:46,024
She's gotta be loaded.
335
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:48,192
And Sophie's the kind of woman
who understands our dreams.
336
00:13:48,194 --> 00:13:49,412
Come in.
337
00:13:55,784 --> 00:13:57,785
That's exactly
what I thought would be
338
00:13:57,787 --> 00:13:59,120
on the other side of that door.
339
00:13:59,122 --> 00:14:02,006
Oleg, sweetie,
we have company.
340
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:04,425
I brought you an ass pillow.
341
00:14:05,427 --> 00:14:08,546
Nice to see you like this
outside of work, girls, no?
342
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:12,666
No.
343
00:14:13,568 --> 00:14:17,555
Girls, did you see
my big hanging thing?
344
00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:20,274
Yeah, we kinda just saw it.
345
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:25,012
No, I'm talking about my new
ch-andelier for my lake house.
346
00:14:25,014 --> 00:14:28,682
Yeah, I can totally see you
drinking ch-ardonnay under it.
347
00:14:28,684 --> 00:14:31,369
Oh, Max, you are so funny.
348
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:33,254
She's a real ch-aracter.
349
00:14:33,256 --> 00:14:35,740
Yeah, that's not a word.
350
00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:37,925
Okay, well,
we just wanted to bring you
351
00:14:37,927 --> 00:14:40,294
some more cupcakes
for free, per usual,
352
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:43,364
and perhaps talk about
a possible business venture.
353
00:14:43,366 --> 00:14:45,533
Oh, sorry, girls.
354
00:14:45,535 --> 00:14:47,701
I have two rules in life:
355
00:14:47,703 --> 00:14:51,372
Never drink
from the same well as a gypsy
356
00:14:51,374 --> 00:14:54,892
and never lend money
to friends.
357
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,928
And, Max, you are my friend.
358
00:14:57,630 --> 00:14:59,814
Okay, well, we were just
checking, but thanks anyway.
359
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:01,065
But, Sophie,
just hear us out.
360
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,716
It's a wonderful
opportunity,
361
00:15:02,718 --> 00:15:04,235
and we'll of course
pay you back with interest.
362
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,154
Okay, buh-bye.
363
00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:11,025
Let's go. We tried it.
Now it's bawk time.
364
00:15:11,727 --> 00:15:13,727
You are not harvesting
your body for money.
365
00:15:13,729 --> 00:15:15,363
What's the big deal?
366
00:15:15,365 --> 00:15:18,699
I sold two kidneys
for a down payment on my house.
367
00:15:18,701 --> 00:15:21,202
Not true.
You need at least one to live.
368
00:15:21,704 --> 00:15:25,590
Oh, well,
they weren't mine.
369
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,209
Well, you know
what we have to do.
370
00:15:28,211 --> 00:15:30,595
Let's get the bawk
out of here.
371
00:15:37,609 --> 00:15:39,960
And you're sure you're okay
with selling your eggs, right?
372
00:15:39,962 --> 00:15:42,063
Totally. What do I care?
I've got a million of 'em.
373
00:15:42,065 --> 00:15:44,431
I'm happy to lose a few.
More room for beer.
374
00:15:44,933 --> 00:15:46,483
Lose some eggs,
more room for beer.
375
00:15:46,585 --> 00:15:48,501
It's crazy
that's not their slogan.
376
00:15:48,753 --> 00:15:50,587
So what'd they ask you
on the application?
377
00:15:50,589 --> 00:15:52,288
You know, income, hobbies,
378
00:15:52,290 --> 00:15:53,923
"Did you ever
have sex in Africa?"
379
00:15:53,925 --> 00:15:56,426
I wish.
380
00:15:56,428 --> 00:15:58,261
The closest I ever got
was a dude once
381
00:15:58,263 --> 00:16:01,231
put his hand up my skirt
in an Ethiopian restaurant.
382
00:16:01,233 --> 00:16:03,149
You know,
now that we're here,
383
00:16:03,151 --> 00:16:05,518
I think it's kind of wonderful
that places like this exist
384
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:08,071
to help women who can't have
babies have babies.
385
00:16:08,073 --> 00:16:10,742
Hey, you think they
take points off for syphilis?
386
00:16:13,744 --> 00:16:15,328
Max,
I think it's really noble
387
00:16:15,330 --> 00:16:17,080
what you're doing
to get our dream.
388
00:16:17,082 --> 00:16:18,615
This is a very special day.
389
00:16:19,117 --> 00:16:21,317
How do you spell
"chlamydia"?
390
00:16:21,819 --> 00:16:23,653
Well, no "k"s,
391
00:16:23,655 --> 00:16:26,422
and I personally
wouldn't heart the "I."
392
00:16:26,424 --> 00:16:28,124
Oh, thanks.
393
00:16:28,126 --> 00:16:31,010
And do I gotta put here
if my brother touched a kid?
394
00:16:31,012 --> 00:16:32,762
Max Black.
395
00:16:32,764 --> 00:16:34,330
Thank you
for your interest,
396
00:16:34,332 --> 00:16:35,798
but I'm afraid we're
gonna have to pass.
397
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,134
Why?
I didn't have sex in Africa.
398
00:16:38,136 --> 00:16:40,853
Yes, I know,
that was your one plus,
399
00:16:40,855 --> 00:16:42,388
but under "family history,"
400
00:16:42,390 --> 00:16:45,108
you put "drinking"
and "secrets."
401
00:16:45,110 --> 00:16:47,193
I was being honest.
402
00:16:47,195 --> 00:16:50,563
Yeah, maybe too honest,
because under "education"
403
00:16:50,565 --> 00:16:52,682
you wrote,
"Jeopardy reruns,"
404
00:16:52,684 --> 00:16:55,118
and we're really
looking for college graduates.
405
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:59,188
Jeez, I'll take "elitist"
for 500, Alex.
406
00:16:59,190 --> 00:17:01,124
Sorry,
we're looking for girls
407
00:17:01,126 --> 00:17:02,959
that come
from Ivy league schools
408
00:17:02,961 --> 00:17:05,295
and have impressive
family backgrounds.
409
00:17:05,297 --> 00:17:07,363
Maybe her eggs
didn't go to Wharton
410
00:17:07,365 --> 00:17:09,532
and graduate at the top
of their class like I did,
411
00:17:09,534 --> 00:17:11,200
but just look at her.
412
00:17:11,202 --> 00:17:14,170
Who wouldn't want a baby
with such strength, beauty,
413
00:17:14,172 --> 00:17:17,540
and a rack so great
it could breast-feed itself?
414
00:17:17,542 --> 00:17:19,559
You went to Wharton?
415
00:17:19,561 --> 00:17:22,763
We pay $20,000
for Ivy league eggs.
416
00:17:27,852 --> 00:17:30,019
Wow, we're
taking blood already?
417
00:17:30,021 --> 00:17:33,356
I guess going to Wharton
does put you on the fast track.
418
00:17:33,358 --> 00:17:35,575
Just part of the process
to become a donor.
419
00:17:35,577 --> 00:17:37,460
I'm gonna go get some vials,
and I'll be right back.
420
00:17:38,462 --> 00:17:40,413
It's so cool of you
to do this.
421
00:17:40,415 --> 00:17:41,614
It says a lot about you.
422
00:17:41,616 --> 00:17:43,082
You know what says
a lot about me?
423
00:17:43,084 --> 00:17:44,667
The fact that I know
she tied you off wrong.
424
00:17:45,969 --> 00:17:46,753
I'm happy to do it.
425
00:17:46,755 --> 00:17:50,423
It's a small price to pay
to make our dream come true.
426
00:17:50,425 --> 00:17:52,458
I'm doin' this
to pay down some debt.
427
00:17:52,460 --> 00:17:55,261
I'm real deep
'cause of Powerball.
428
00:17:55,263 --> 00:17:57,347
Whoa, dude,
how did you get through?
429
00:17:57,349 --> 00:18:01,551
I went to Harvard.
I'm like crazy-good at math.
430
00:18:01,553 --> 00:18:03,936
Max, she's making me nervous.
Close the curtain.
431
00:18:03,938 --> 00:18:05,755
And frankly,
I'm a little resentful.
432
00:18:05,757 --> 00:18:07,440
I didn't get into Harvard.
433
00:18:07,842 --> 00:18:09,258
Are you sure
you're okay with this?
434
00:18:09,260 --> 00:18:11,110
- 'Cause you seem a little jumpy.
- No, I'm fine.
435
00:18:11,112 --> 00:18:12,729
They're just taking
a little blood.
436
00:18:13,131 --> 00:18:14,096
Or from the looks of it,
437
00:18:14,098 --> 00:18:15,648
they're taking all of it.
438
00:18:15,650 --> 00:18:17,900
There better be a nice juice
and a cookie after this.
439
00:18:19,152 --> 00:18:21,537
Please relax.
It's only eight vials.
440
00:18:22,039 --> 00:18:24,273
They gotta take a lot to
make sure they don't get a kid
441
00:18:24,275 --> 00:18:26,560
with, like, another kid
growing out of it.
442
00:18:27,962 --> 00:18:29,579
Max, this all
just got very real.
443
00:18:29,581 --> 00:18:31,998
- Hold my hand.
- You know I don't hold hands.
444
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,251
Oh, you lesbians
are so high maintenance.
445
00:18:35,753 --> 00:18:36,919
Please?
446
00:18:36,921 --> 00:18:38,337
You don't think
I'm gonna give away
447
00:18:38,339 --> 00:18:39,806
my best egg, right?
448
00:18:39,808 --> 00:18:41,641
I'm not gonna give away
the concert pianist
449
00:18:41,643 --> 00:18:43,309
and get stuck with the guy
who breaks into homes
450
00:18:43,311 --> 00:18:44,927
and smells
women's underwear?
451
00:18:44,929 --> 00:18:47,630
Well, either way,
you got a kid with a passion.
452
00:18:47,632 --> 00:18:49,131
But you don't have
to do this.
453
00:18:49,133 --> 00:18:51,184
No, I can do this.
It's for our dream.
454
00:18:51,186 --> 00:18:52,468
But you don't have
to do this.
455
00:18:52,470 --> 00:18:53,703
I can do this.
Put it in.
456
00:18:53,705 --> 00:18:54,970
It's already in.
457
00:18:54,972 --> 00:18:56,672
I can't do this.
458
00:18:56,674 --> 00:18:59,742
I'm not trashy,
I'm not some farm animal.
459
00:18:59,744 --> 00:19:01,828
Oh! Oh, my God!
460
00:19:05,832 --> 00:19:06,999
Oh, my God.
461
00:19:07,001 --> 00:19:09,585
I am so, so sorry!
462
00:19:09,587 --> 00:19:11,320
You know
what would be cute here?
463
00:19:11,322 --> 00:19:13,372
A cupcake store.
464
00:19:19,463 --> 00:19:21,998
Hi, Max.
Oh, it's chilly outside.
465
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,668
Nipples everywhere.
466
00:19:25,670 --> 00:19:27,437
Have a seat.
I'll be right over.
467
00:19:27,439 --> 00:19:31,224
Oh, that's okay.
I texted my order in on the way.
468
00:19:31,226 --> 00:19:35,194
Hey, baby. I got your text.
Did you get my erotic haiku?
469
00:19:35,196 --> 00:19:36,846
I did.
470
00:19:36,848 --> 00:19:39,348
Did you get the picture I sent
of me and the dustbuster?
471
00:19:39,950 --> 00:19:42,819
No, I didn't.
472
00:19:42,821 --> 00:19:47,073
Oh, no, Grandpa Yorgish!
473
00:19:48,375 --> 00:19:49,358
Look.
474
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:50,793
Earl framed our blurb.
475
00:19:50,795 --> 00:19:55,364
- He did? That is so sweet.
- What?
476
00:19:56,366 --> 00:19:59,201
I always saw it as bigger
on the wall in our shop.
477
00:19:59,203 --> 00:20:02,004
Look, the shop
is an amazing idea,
478
00:20:02,006 --> 00:20:03,422
and, if it's not
that space right now,
479
00:20:03,424 --> 00:20:04,674
it'll be another.
480
00:20:04,676 --> 00:20:06,092
I mean, there have to be
mass murders
481
00:20:06,094 --> 00:20:07,710
all over Brooklyn, right?
482
00:20:08,712 --> 00:20:10,313
If we're lucky.
483
00:20:10,315 --> 00:20:12,148
And, even
if it didn't work out,
484
00:20:12,150 --> 00:20:13,900
it's still the closest
I've ever come
485
00:20:13,902 --> 00:20:16,051
to something great,
and that's cool.
486
00:20:16,053 --> 00:20:19,739
And someday we'll find someone
crazy enough to lend us money.
487
00:20:19,741 --> 00:20:22,108
I say that because, if you can
convince me to believe a dream,
488
00:20:22,110 --> 00:20:23,109
you can get anyone.
489
00:20:23,611 --> 00:20:25,111
Pickup.
490
00:20:25,613 --> 00:20:28,364
Here you go, Sophie.
That's $11.25.
491
00:20:28,366 --> 00:20:29,967
Oh, you take a check, right?
492
00:20:31,769 --> 00:20:33,669
This is for $20,000.
493
00:20:33,671 --> 00:20:37,123
Oh, is it?
I thought it was for $20.
494
00:20:37,125 --> 00:20:39,009
Oh, well. Keep it.
495
00:20:40,411 --> 00:20:42,845
Maybe you could use it
for your dream,
496
00:20:42,847 --> 00:20:45,765
or to get your legs waxed,
or something.
497
00:20:45,767 --> 00:20:48,551
- Sophie, are you serious?
- Yes.
498
00:20:48,553 --> 00:20:51,103
Sophie, this is really,
really amazing.
499
00:20:51,105 --> 00:20:54,023
Oh, come on.
I don't need a parade.
500
00:20:54,025 --> 00:20:56,309
Just keep
the cupcakes coming.
501
00:20:59,563 --> 00:21:01,147
Max, do you know
what this means?
502
00:21:01,149 --> 00:21:04,099
We are going to be
a Williamsburg must-have.
503
00:21:04,101 --> 00:21:06,202
We're getting our dream.
504
00:21:06,704 --> 00:21:08,321
I feel like you want
a hug.
505
00:21:08,323 --> 00:21:11,123
I do.
506
00:21:17,323 --> 00:21:22,323
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com