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♪ The Simpsons ♪
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Monday.
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Here we go again.
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♪ The Simpsons 23x19 ♪
A Totally Fun Thing Bart Will Never Do Again
Original Air Date on April 29, 2012
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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♪ And I was a boy from school ♪
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♪ Helplessly helping
all the rules ♪
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♪ And there was a boy
at school ♪
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00:01:03,929 --> 00:01:10,034
♪ Hopelessly wrestling
all his rules. ♪
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Sorry, kid, but
there comes a day when
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that just doesn't
do anything anymore.
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Stuck in a rut?
Hmm...
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Ready for a change?
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We built heaven
and made it float.
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Royalty Cruises, one week away
from the everyday.
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Visuals and commercial,
if anything, underplay
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the thrill of actual
cruise experience.
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Want, want, want, want, want,
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want, want, want, want!
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Want!!
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Mom, Dad...
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do you know there's a boat out
there where nothing sucks?
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It's called Royalty Cruises,
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00:02:01,391 --> 00:02:03,126
and Royalty Cruise specialists
are standing by now!
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I'm sorry, sweetie.
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00:02:05,829 --> 00:02:08,498
Maybe we could afford
a vacation if some big shot
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didn't pick up the tab
for his buddies at Mr. Steak.
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Again with Mr. Steak! Do you
know why I go to Mr. Steak?
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Because at Mr. Steak,
they don't get mad at me
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for ending a lot of money
at Mr. Steak!
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Well, of course they don't!
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Why don't you talk
to Mrs. Steak?
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There is no Mrs. Steak!
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Who could stay
married to such a man?
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Okay, maybe I can
pay for the cruise.
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Let's see how much it costs
for a cabin on a low deck.
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No porthole...
group Z lifeboat access...
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Aw, it's still a ton of money.
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Face it, we're just kids.
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We can't afford stuff
with zeroes in the prices.
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All we have in the world are
the things our parents give us.
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I need you to dare me
to fight him!
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Huh?!
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Bart's been raptured! And his
crap's been craptured!
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Ah...
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Why do you want
a box of Bart's baby teeth?
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Doctor says I need more calcium,
and I ain't "Tums Rich."
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I sold all my stuff,
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and it's still not enough money
for the cruise.
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Just try to enjoy
your dinner, sweetie.
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I can't, I sold
my "dinner futures."
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Nice doing business
with you, boy.
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Homer!
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It's okay. I don't have
much of an appetite.
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I'm going to floor.
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Mom! Dad!
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I woke up and the
money jar was full!
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That means the devil
accepted my bargain.
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Now, to uphold
my end of the deal!
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Snowball II!
No!
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We saw how much
this cruise means to you,
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so we all
sold something special.
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And we made just enough
for an economy cabin!
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I sold a couple of my
rare jazz records.
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After a while they all
start to sound the same.
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Still love the genre, of course.
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Not even close
to getting sick of it.
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And I sold our good china.
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Really?!
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But that's been in your
family for generations.
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Yeah...
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actually, my mom stole it
from a woman she cleaned for.
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Took her years to
get the whole set.
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And Dad donated something, too.
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What happened to
my mini-pool table?!
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I was training to be
a mini-pool hustler.
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We sold it to pay
for a family cruise.
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I never even got to realize
this jacket was too small.
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It's weird to hear
myself saying this, but...
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I love you guys.
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This is going to be
the best vacation ever!
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Yeah, for you kids, maybe.
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For dads, a family vacation is a
24-hour-a-day babysitting job.
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"Are you wearing
enough sun block?"
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"Is that splashing or drowning?"
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"Why does every sand castle
require my participation?"
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Then a kid disappears,
and it's total panic
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until you find him
at the swim-up bar...
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eating a 30-dollar
cheeseburger,
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which he drops in the water!
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I never get any time alone
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with my wife because we're all
sleeping in the same room!
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Look, that's our ship!
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Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but
your cruise is overbooked.
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What?
I can offer you a cabin
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on our sugar-free
fitness cruise.
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Welcome to eight days
and seven nights
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of pushups and kale!
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Well, well,
Mr. Never-Wrong was right again:
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Family vacations always suck.
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I called it!
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Called... it.
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Homer, this is bad for you, too.
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♪ Worth it to be ri-ght! ♪
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♪ Worth it to be ri-ght! ♪
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Wait a minute, I can get you
back on your original ship,
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but in a different cabin.
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Upgrade!
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I'm sorry, there's
been a mistake.
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This isn't your cabin.
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Double upgrade! All right!
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I knew it.
It was all a dream.
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No, honey.
You just passed out
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when you saw the private bedroom
in our triple upgrade!
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I actually did it--
a perfect vacation.
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You'll never guess how many
bath towels they gave us...
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- enough!
- Whoo...
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And there's a
DVD library of movies
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that haven't been released yet.
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Whoa...
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Whoa.
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Greetings, cruisers!
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I'm your cruise director,
Rowan Priddis,
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and welcome aboard
the Royalty Valhalla,
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where the only rule
is "Always Have Fun!"
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Your every need will be catered
to from our toddler's club
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to "Condolences," our award-
winning luxury morgue.
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Your enjoyment pays my salary,
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so in a sense,
each of you is my boss...
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and as my boss...
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I'd like to ask you
for a week of vacation.
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A week I will spend here
on this cruise,
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performing my normal duties
as cruise director.
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That's how much I love my job.
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Bon voyage!
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Whoa, a "Fun Schedule"!
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There's so much to do:
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Laser-Tag, Waterslide Bobsled...
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Oh! Ice Cream Snowball
Fight starts in five minutes!
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Homie, we actually have
the cabin all to ourselves.
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Sex on a family vacation?
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I never thought
such a thing was possible!
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Oh, ho...
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And the ocean
will do all of the work.
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Ocean sex rules!
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Go to hell, land sex!
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KidZone.
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A broken foosball table
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and a game of Clue
missing its candlestick.
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Lisa Simpson? Our KidZone
pre-screeners have placed you
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with our most
sophisticated children--
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"KidZone Elite".
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Help me study the effects
of rising ocean acidity.
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No, help me tag
and release seabirds.
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It's so diverse.
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I've died and gone to
a PBS Kids show!
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Two?!
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All right, Fun Schedule,
you're about to get did!
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Two diplomats' sons
are in love with me.
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Ghana or Portugal?
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Boy, thanks to you,
we're having fun--
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"before you were born" fun.
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Where did the ship stop again?
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I don't know, a lot of barefoot
kids kicking soccer balls,
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shell necklaces; they really
hid the poverty nicely.
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Anyplace is fun if
you're there with "Super Lips."
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Your names...
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I'm just glad everyone is having
the best week of their lives.
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Whenever we reach the halfway
point of our voyage,
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I like to take a moment
to reflect.
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Hit it,
Gary Ocean and the Motion!
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♪ Enjoy it while you can ♪
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♪ Ice-sculptures, conga lines,
and working on your tan ♪
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♪ Enjoy it while you're here ♪
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♪ One week of glitz and glam
instead of pain and fear ♪
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♪ In just a few days' time,
this boat pulls into dock ♪
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00:10:41,678 --> 00:10:46,365
♪ And when it does, you lovely
people may be in for a shock ♪
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♪ Here you've made
exciting friends ♪
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♪ Back home,
you'll all lose touch ♪
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♪ Here, Hawaiian shirts
are cool ♪
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♪ Back home, well, not so much ♪
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♪ Back home, you'll be to tired
for making magic in the sack ♪
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♪ So, eat buffet,
and play and pray ♪
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♪ There's some delay
on our way back ♪
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♪ Enjoy it while you can ♪
188
00:11:07,971 --> 00:11:10,439
♪ Here at sea,
we drink and frolic ♪
189
00:11:10,490 --> 00:11:12,291
♪ Back home,
that's called alcoholic ♪
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00:11:12,359 --> 00:11:15,961
♪ Your future's up
but parabolic ♪
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♪ Enjoy it while you can. ♪
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Bravo!
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00:11:23,803 --> 00:11:25,170
Yeah, all right!
Oh, yeah!
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The song's right.
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No matter how much fun
I cram into this cruise,
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it only lasts a week.
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00:11:35,398 --> 00:11:37,917
Then it's back to Mom and Dad
fighting, Lisa moping,
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00:11:37,984 --> 00:11:40,269
homework, bullies
and a lunch bag sandwich
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00:11:40,336 --> 00:11:43,455
soggy with the sweat
of a juice box!
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00:11:43,523 --> 00:11:48,227
After this cruise, for the rest
of my life, it's all downhill.
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00:11:52,999 --> 00:11:55,167
Only good week of my life.
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00:12:04,127 --> 00:12:06,895
Haw-haw!
203
00:12:09,099 --> 00:12:12,568
Why can't vacation last forever?
204
00:12:12,636 --> 00:12:15,370
I've got to do something.
205
00:12:16,539 --> 00:12:17,506
Sorry.
206
00:12:23,730 --> 00:12:26,148
There's something I see
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00:12:26,216 --> 00:12:28,968
that's even more beautiful
than Ganymede, Lisa.
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00:12:29,035 --> 00:12:30,736
I... Oh.
209
00:12:30,804 --> 00:12:32,554
That's right, Io.
210
00:12:32,622 --> 00:12:37,026
But no moon of Jupiter
is as beautiful as you.
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00:12:37,093 --> 00:12:37,977
Oh.
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00:12:42,866 --> 00:12:44,083
Purple!
213
00:12:54,444 --> 00:12:57,079
This is General William Sullivan
with an emergency message.
214
00:12:57,147 --> 00:13:00,165
I'm speaking to you
from a CDC clean zone.
215
00:13:00,233 --> 00:13:03,819
Outbreak of the deadly Pandora
virus is spreading rapidly.
216
00:13:03,887 --> 00:13:07,556
Precedented threat requires
a worldwide quarantine.
217
00:13:07,624 --> 00:13:10,776
All ships must remain at sea
until further...
218
00:13:10,860 --> 00:13:12,628
Humanity must endure.
219
00:13:12,696 --> 00:13:14,196
A virus?!
220
00:13:14,263 --> 00:13:17,016
- We're stuck on the ship?!
- What should we do?!
221
00:13:20,804 --> 00:13:23,839
They're buying it.
They're buying it.
222
00:13:23,907 --> 00:13:26,175
"Chillingly plausible" indeed,
223
00:13:26,242 --> 00:13:28,577
Joe Morgenstern of
The Wall Street Journal.
224
00:13:28,645 --> 00:13:31,280
Now to make sure no one can
call home to check,
225
00:13:31,348 --> 00:13:34,083
with a little help from
the make-your-own-sundae bar.
226
00:13:36,252 --> 00:13:37,986
Squirt, squirt.
227
00:13:38,054 --> 00:13:40,205
Mmm.
228
00:13:44,027 --> 00:13:45,127
Mmm.
229
00:13:50,667 --> 00:13:52,434
Our attempts
to contact the mainland
230
00:13:52,502 --> 00:13:54,103
have met with nothing
but static.
231
00:13:54,170 --> 00:13:57,106
It appears we have no choice--
to avoid the virus,
232
00:13:57,173 --> 00:14:00,743
we must remain at sea
indefinitely.
233
00:14:00,810 --> 00:14:02,311
Oh, no!
234
00:14:02,379 --> 00:14:03,445
We're stuck here!
235
00:14:03,513 --> 00:14:04,346
Woo-hoo!
236
00:14:04,414 --> 00:14:07,082
Vacation forever!
237
00:14:15,473 --> 00:14:17,708
Good morning, everyone!
238
00:14:17,776 --> 00:14:21,378
As we greet a sunny
Day 12, After Virus.
239
00:14:21,446 --> 00:14:23,514
While the world
deals with their pandemic,
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00:14:23,581 --> 00:14:26,684
we're having a "fundemic,"
under the capable hands
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00:14:26,751 --> 00:14:29,420
of our Norwegian
Captain Svalbard.
242
00:14:29,487 --> 00:14:33,223
I always knew mankind's
hubris would doom us all.
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00:14:33,291 --> 00:14:35,859
Ja, he spoke of it often.
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00:14:35,927 --> 00:14:37,494
Once we reach our exciting
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00:14:37,562 --> 00:14:39,563
and hopefully
virus-free destination,
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00:14:39,631 --> 00:14:42,499
romantic Antarctica,
our activities will include
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00:14:42,567 --> 00:14:44,368
building shelter,
hunting for food
248
00:14:44,436 --> 00:14:47,271
and starting civilization anew.
249
00:14:47,339 --> 00:14:49,340
While supplies may be
running a little low,
250
00:14:49,407 --> 00:14:52,142
not to worry,
as today's delicious buffet
251
00:14:52,210 --> 00:14:56,213
features fresh seagull
and hull-scraped barnacles.
252
00:14:56,281 --> 00:15:00,718
In the Chuckles Comedy Club,
we have Joey Scazzazone,
253
00:15:00,785 --> 00:15:02,853
with his
no-longer-observational take
254
00:15:02,921 --> 00:15:04,788
on our pre-virus lives.
255
00:15:04,856 --> 00:15:06,173
Hey, so what's the deal with
256
00:15:06,241 --> 00:15:08,909
how many Starbucks
there used to be, huh?
257
00:15:08,977 --> 00:15:11,178
I don't know why
that bothered me so much.
258
00:15:11,246 --> 00:15:13,113
Hug your kids.
259
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:16,700
Need a break?
260
00:15:16,768 --> 00:15:19,703
Then don't check out
the Sensations Luxury Spa,
261
00:15:19,771 --> 00:15:22,790
which is now the stronghold
of charismatic cult leader
262
00:15:22,857 --> 00:15:24,324
Dave the Lifeguard.
263
00:15:24,392 --> 00:15:27,444
Mankind was warned
not to run near the pool!
264
00:15:27,512 --> 00:15:29,246
Mankind did not listen!
265
00:15:29,314 --> 00:15:31,315
The virus is his reward!
266
00:15:31,383 --> 00:15:33,917
Ohm... ohm...
267
00:15:33,985 --> 00:15:37,988
So, remember, rule number one
is "always have fun,"
268
00:15:38,056 --> 00:15:41,592
because fun is the only thing
that will keep us alive.
269
00:15:41,659 --> 00:15:43,694
Fun!
270
00:15:43,762 --> 00:15:46,647
Worthless, worthless,
worthless.
271
00:15:46,715 --> 00:15:49,366
Hey, guys, can you believe
how awesome this is?
272
00:15:49,434 --> 00:15:50,951
If it wasn't for
this virus thing,
273
00:15:51,035 --> 00:15:52,986
we'd all be back
at our old sucky lives.
274
00:15:53,054 --> 00:15:56,457
Instead, you're here, where you
can be lovey-dovey all the time.
275
00:15:56,524 --> 00:15:58,192
Come on, kiss.
276
00:15:58,259 --> 00:15:59,777
Kiss!
277
00:15:59,844 --> 00:16:03,647
Bart, we're too worried
to enjoy each other's mouths.
278
00:16:03,715 --> 00:16:05,949
Yeah, and the customer
service on this cruise
279
00:16:06,017 --> 00:16:07,351
has really gone downhill.
280
00:16:07,419 --> 00:16:09,420
Drop dead, fat-ass!
281
00:16:10,789 --> 00:16:13,924
Last week, that steward
brought me extra shampoo.
282
00:16:13,992 --> 00:16:16,193
He called me
"lovely lady."
283
00:16:16,261 --> 00:16:19,179
Hey, Lis, at least you nerds
are still geekin' it up.
284
00:16:19,247 --> 00:16:22,015
What could be sweeter than
a vacation that never ends?
285
00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:23,684
Sweet? Sweet?!
286
00:16:23,752 --> 00:16:25,018
The passengers on this ship
287
00:16:25,086 --> 00:16:26,620
could be the last people
on earth.
288
00:16:26,688 --> 00:16:28,341
Like monks during
the Dark Ages,
289
00:16:28,392 --> 00:16:30,150
Elite
290
00:16:30,184 --> 00:16:32,220
to make a record
of human culture.
291
00:16:32,277 --> 00:16:34,144
This group is adapting
children's classics
292
00:16:34,195 --> 00:16:37,647
for the stage to entertain
generations of survivors.
293
00:16:37,699 --> 00:16:40,367
Erik, we must work
with the humans.
294
00:16:40,452 --> 00:16:42,569
You are so naive, Charles.
295
00:16:42,637 --> 00:16:44,838
We should rule them
as conquerors.
296
00:16:44,906 --> 00:16:48,742
Can't anybody enjoy
their forever vacation?
297
00:16:50,145 --> 00:16:51,578
Check it out!
The gallery was gonna
298
00:16:51,646 --> 00:16:52,946
throw these paintings
overboard,
299
00:16:53,014 --> 00:16:55,482
like they were
worthless garbage.
300
00:16:55,550 --> 00:16:57,684
Bart, glad you're here.
301
00:16:57,752 --> 00:16:59,620
We're all gonna watch
a movie together.
302
00:16:59,687 --> 00:17:01,205
Yeah, a movie!
303
00:17:01,272 --> 00:17:04,274
It is about time you guys
started having some fun.
304
00:17:05,643 --> 00:17:07,744
Humanity must endure.
305
00:17:07,812 --> 00:17:09,530
General, it's worse
than we thought.
306
00:17:09,597 --> 00:17:10,964
The virus is getting bigger.
307
00:17:14,986 --> 00:17:16,487
Bart, how could you?
308
00:17:16,554 --> 00:17:18,038
Uh, got to go!
309
00:17:18,122 --> 00:17:21,809
Man, I kicked butt
in the gladiator arena today.
310
00:17:21,876 --> 00:17:24,862
I won the last package
of hot dogs on the ship.
311
00:17:24,929 --> 00:17:27,598
I got robbed by marauders
on the way home.
312
00:17:27,665 --> 00:17:29,500
There is no virus!
313
00:17:29,567 --> 00:17:31,885
Bart faked the whole
thing with a DVD.
314
00:17:31,953 --> 00:17:35,189
A direct-to-video DVD.
315
00:17:35,256 --> 00:17:38,458
You stand accused
of letting down your team
316
00:17:38,526 --> 00:17:40,227
during music trivia.
317
00:17:40,295 --> 00:17:44,665
Eight hours
in the penal conga line.
318
00:17:49,287 --> 00:17:51,922
Excuse me, Cruise
Director Priddis.
319
00:17:51,990 --> 00:17:54,157
My son has something
to tell you.
320
00:17:54,225 --> 00:17:57,327
Speak passenger,
son of passenger.
321
00:17:57,395 --> 00:17:59,396
It was all a hoax;
There's no virus.
322
00:18:00,715 --> 00:18:02,566
But the warning
from the general!
323
00:18:02,634 --> 00:18:05,235
That was just Treat Williams
in a virus movie.
324
00:18:05,303 --> 00:18:07,938
You know, I thought
that general looked familiar.
325
00:18:08,006 --> 00:18:08,906
What?
326
00:18:08,973 --> 00:18:10,741
I'm in a lot of movies.
327
00:18:14,345 --> 00:18:16,763
I take back everything
I said to you
328
00:18:16,831 --> 00:18:19,099
that night in the dolphin lab.
329
00:18:20,635 --> 00:18:22,669
All that happened is we got
a little extra vacation.
330
00:18:22,737 --> 00:18:24,371
Is that so bad?
331
00:18:24,439 --> 00:18:26,073
I think I ate people meat!
332
00:18:27,475 --> 00:18:29,243
I know my son did
a terrible thing.
333
00:18:29,310 --> 00:18:31,378
But there's a chapel
on this ship,
334
00:18:31,446 --> 00:18:33,430
and in that chapel
there's a book,
335
00:18:33,498 --> 00:18:36,500
and it says,
"Judge not, lest ye..."
336
00:18:38,603 --> 00:18:40,037
After this,
I'll be lucky to get work
337
00:18:40,104 --> 00:18:43,106
on a clothing-optional
Jimmy Buffett cruise!
338
00:18:43,174 --> 00:18:45,609
What about the duty-free
stuff we bought?
339
00:18:45,677 --> 00:18:47,945
"Never have fun!"
340
00:18:48,012 --> 00:18:49,880
My booze and cologne!
341
00:19:06,777 --> 00:19:08,189
That's fair.
342
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:09,495
Sorry.
343
00:19:09,497 --> 00:19:10,748
I deserve it.
344
00:19:10,815 --> 00:19:12,850
Ow! That one really hurt.
345
00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:16,654
Sorry, sweetie, I just needed
to get that out of my system.
346
00:19:16,721 --> 00:19:20,224
This stupid prank is the most
selfish thing you've ever done!
347
00:19:20,292 --> 00:19:22,393
I wasn't being selfish.
348
00:19:22,460 --> 00:19:24,728
I did it for you guys, too.
349
00:19:24,796 --> 00:19:27,431
Lisa, you made friends
with kids just like you.
350
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:30,968
Mom and Dad, you were more happy
and in love than I ever saw you.
351
00:19:31,036 --> 00:19:33,370
It was the best week
of all of our lives,
352
00:19:33,438 --> 00:19:34,905
and I wanted it
to last forever.
353
00:19:36,074 --> 00:19:38,208
Choke on my numb blue hands!
354
00:19:40,078 --> 00:19:41,912
Oh... what the...
355
00:19:44,115 --> 00:19:45,416
Hey, up here!
356
00:19:45,483 --> 00:19:46,817
You got to see this!
357
00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:49,853
Ooh!
358
00:19:49,921 --> 00:19:52,656
From egg to baby to grownup,
359
00:19:52,724 --> 00:19:54,224
we can see them living
360
00:19:54,292 --> 00:19:56,026
their entire penguin lives
from up here.
361
00:19:58,897 --> 00:20:00,531
What a load of crap.
362
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:04,001
They spend all their time
trying to raise a baby, and why?
363
00:20:04,069 --> 00:20:06,670
So it can grow up and
do the same dumb thing,
364
00:20:06,738 --> 00:20:08,439
on and on forever.
365
00:20:08,506 --> 00:20:10,274
The penguin's life
isn't all bad.
366
00:20:10,342 --> 00:20:11,809
Those ones are having a blast.
367
00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:17,298
But the slide's just
like our cruise:
368
00:20:17,365 --> 00:20:19,083
A short awesome thing
that just shows you
369
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:20,918
how boring the rest
of your life is.
370
00:20:21,002 --> 00:20:23,754
Well, sure, life is
full of pain and drudgery,
371
00:20:23,838 --> 00:20:26,690
but the trick is to enjoy
the few perfect experiences
372
00:20:26,758 --> 00:20:28,492
we're given in the moment.
373
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,327
Yeah, stupid.
374
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:33,681
Stop thinking about fun
and have it!
375
00:20:35,967 --> 00:20:37,651
Whoa... whoa...!
376
00:20:39,387 --> 00:20:40,788
Hey, wait for me!
377
00:20:59,074 --> 00:21:01,175
What a great ride.
378
00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:07,700
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
379
00:21:52,527 --> 00:21:54,044
Shh!