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♪ The Simpsons ♪
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Monday.
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Here we go again.
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♪ The Simpsons 23x19 ♪
A Totally Fun Thing Bart Will Never Do Again
Original Air Date on April 29, 2012
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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♪ And I was a boy from school ♪
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♪ Helplessly helping
all the rules ♪
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♪ And there was a boy
at school ♪
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♪ Hopelessly wrestling
all his rules. ♪
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Sorry, kid, but
there comes a day when
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that just doesn't
do anything anymore.
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Stuck in a rut?
Hmm...
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Ready for a change?
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We built heaven
and made it float.
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Royalty Cruises, one week away
from the everyday.
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Visuals and commercial,
if anything, underplay
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the thrill of actual
cruise experience.
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Want, want, want,
want, want,
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want, want, want, want!
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Want!!
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Mom, Dad...
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do you know there's a boat out
there where nothing sucks?
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It's called Royalty Cruises,
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and Royalty Cruise specialists
are standing by now!
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I'm sorry, sweetie.
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Maybe we could afford
a vacation if some big shot
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didn't pick up the tab
for his buddies at Mr. Steak.
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Again with Mr. Steak! Do you
know why I go to Mr. Steak?
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Because at Mr. Steak,
they don't get mad at me
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for ending a lot of money
at Mr. Steak!
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Well, of course they don't!
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Why don't you talk
to Mrs. Steak?
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There is no Mrs. Steak!
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Who could stay
married to such a man?
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Okay, maybe I can
pay for the cruise.
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Let's see how much it costs
for a cabin on a low deck.
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No porthole...
group Z lifeboat access...
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Aw, it's still
a ton of money.
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Face it, we're just kids.
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We can't afford stuff
with zeroes in the prices.
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All we have in the world are
the things our parents give us.
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I need you to dare me
to fight him!
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Huh?!
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Bart's been raptured! And his
crap's been craptured!
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Ah...
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Why do you want
a box of Bart's baby teeth?
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Doctor says I need more calcium,
and I ain't "Tums Rich."
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I sold all my stuff,
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and it's still not enough money
for the cruise.
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Just try to enjoy
your dinner, sweetie.
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I can't, I sold
my "dinner futures."
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Nice doing business
with you, boy.
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Homer!
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It's okay. I don't have
much of an appetite.
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I'm going to floor.
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Mom! Dad!
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I woke up and the
money jar was full!
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That means the devil
accepted my bargain.
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Now, to uphold
my end of the deal!
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Snowball II!
No!
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We saw how much
this cruise means to you,
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so we all
sold something special.
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And we made just enough
for an economy cabin!
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I sold a couple of my
rare jazz records.
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After a while they all
start to sound the same.
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Still love the genre, of course.
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Not even close
to getting sick of it.
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And I sold our good china.
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Really?!
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But that's been in your
family for generations.
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Yeah...
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actually, my mom stole it
from a woman she cleaned for.
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Took her years to
get the whole set.
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And Dad donated
something, too.
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What happened to
my mini-pool table?!
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I was training to be
a mini-pool hustler.
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We sold it to pay
for a family cruise.
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I never even got to realize
this jacket was too small.
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It's weird to hear
myself saying this, but...
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I love you guys.
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This is going to be
the best vacation ever!
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Yeah, for you kids, maybe.
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For dads, a family vacation is a
24-hour-a-day babysitting job.
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"Are you wearing
enough sun block?"
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"Is that splashing or drowning?"
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"Why does every sand castle
require my participation?"
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Then a kid disappears,
and it's total panic
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until you find him
at the swim-up bar...
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...eating a 30-dollar
cheeseburger,
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which he drops in the water!
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And here's the worst part:
I never get any time alone
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with my wife because we're all
sleeping in the same room!
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Look, that's our ship!
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Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but
your cruise is overbooked.
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What?
I can offer you a cabin
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on our sugar-free
fitness cruise.
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Welcome to eight days
and seven nights
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of pushups and kale!
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Well, well,
Mr. Never-Wrong was right again:
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Family vacations always suck.
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I called it!
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Called... it.
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Homer, this is bad for you, too.
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♪ Worth it to be ri-ght! ♪
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♪ Worth it to be ri-ght! ♪
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Wait a minute, I can get you
back on your original ship,
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but in a different cabin.
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Upgrade!
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I'm sorry, there's
been a mistake.
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This isn't your cabin.
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Double upgrade! All right!
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I knew it.
It was all a dream.
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No, honey.
You just passed out
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when you saw the private bedroom
in our triple upgrade!
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I actually did it--
a perfect vacation.
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You'll never guess how many
bath towels they gave us...
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- enough!
- Whoo...
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And there's a
DVD library of movies
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that haven't been released yet.
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Whoa...
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Whoa.
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Greetings, cruisers!
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I'm your cruise director,
Rowan Priddis,
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and welcome aboard
the Royalty Valhalla,
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where the only rule
is "Always Have Fun!"
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Your every need will be catered
to from our toddler's club
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to "Condolences," our award-
winning luxury morgue.
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Your enjoyment pays my salary,
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so in a sense,
each of you is my boss...
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and as my boss...
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I'd like to ask you
for a week of vacation.
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A week I will spend here
on this cruise,
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performing my normal duties
as cruise director.
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That's how much I love my job.
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Bon voyage!
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Whoa, a "Fun Schedule"!
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There's so much to do:
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Laser-Tag, Waterslide Bobsled...
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Oh! Ice Cream Snowball
Fight starts in five minutes!
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Homie, we actually have
the cabin all to ourselves.
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Sex on a family vacation?
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I never thought
such a thing was possible!
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Oh, ho...
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And the ocean
will do all of the work.
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Ocean sex rules!
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Go to hell, land sex!
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KidZone.
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Let me guess:
a broken foosball table
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and a game of Clue
missing its candlestick.
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Lisa Simpson? Our KidZone
pre-screeners have placed you
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with our most
sophisticated children--
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"KidZone: Elite".
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Help me study the effects
of rising ocean acidity.
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No, help me tag
and release seabirds.
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It's so diverse.
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I've died and gone to
a PBS Kids show!
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Two?!
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All right, Fun Schedule,
you're about to get did!
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Two diplomats' sons
are in love with me.
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Who will I choose:
Ghana or Portugal?
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Boy, thanks to you,
we're having fun--
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"before you were born" fun.
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Where did the ship
stop again?
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I don't know, a lot of barefoot
kids kicking soccer balls,
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shell necklaces; they really
hid the poverty nicely.
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Anyplace is fun if
you're there with "Super Lips."
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Your names...
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I'm just glad everyone is having
the best week of their lives.
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Whenever we reach the halfway
point of our voyage,
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I like to take a moment
to reflect.
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Hit it,
Gary Ocean and the Motion!
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♪ Enjoy it while you can ♪
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♪ Ice-sculptures, conga lines,
and working on your tan ♪
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♪ Enjoy it while you're here ♪
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♪ One week of glitz and glam
instead of pain and fear ♪
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♪ In just a few days' time,
this boat pulls into dock ♪
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♪ And when it does, you lovely
people may be in for a shock ♪
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♪ Here you've made
exciting friends ♪
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♪ Back home,
you'll all lose touch ♪
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♪ Here, Hawaiian shirts
are cool ♪
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♪ Back home, well, not so much ♪
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♪ Back home, you'll be to tired
for making magic in the sack ♪
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♪ So, eat buffet,
and play and pray ♪
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♪ There's some delay
on our way back ♪
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♪ Enjoy it while you can ♪
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♪ Here at sea,
we drink and frolic ♪
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♪ Back home,
that's called alcoholic ♪
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♪ Your future's up
but parabolic ♪
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♪ Enjoy it while you can. ♪
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Bravo!
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Yeah, all right!
Oh, yeah!
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The song's right.
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No matter how much fun
I cram into this cruise,
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it only lasts a week.
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Then it's back to Mom and Dad
fighting, Lisa moping,
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00:11:34,705 --> 00:11:36,990
homework, bullies
and a lunch bag sandwich
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soggy with the sweat
of a juice box!
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00:11:40,244 --> 00:11:44,948
After this cruise, for the rest
of my life, it's all downhill.
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Only good week of my life.
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00:12:00,848 --> 00:12:03,616
Haw-haw!
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00:12:05,820 --> 00:12:09,289
Why can't vacation last forever?
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00:12:09,357 --> 00:12:12,091
I've got to do something.
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00:12:13,260 --> 00:12:14,227
Sorry.
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00:12:20,451 --> 00:12:22,869
There's
something I see
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that's even more beautiful
than Ganymede, Lisa.
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00:12:25,756 --> 00:12:27,457
I... Oh.
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00:12:27,525 --> 00:12:29,275
That's right, Io.
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00:12:29,343 --> 00:12:33,747
But no moon of Jupiter
is as beautiful as you.
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00:12:33,814 --> 00:12:34,698
Oh.
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00:12:39,587 --> 00:12:40,804
Purple!
213
00:12:51,165 --> 00:12:53,800
This is General William Sullivan
with an emergency message.
214
00:12:53,868 --> 00:12:56,886
I'm speaking to you
from a CDC clean zone.
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00:12:56,954 --> 00:13:00,540
Outbreak of the deadly Pandora
virus is spreading rapidly.
216
00:13:00,608 --> 00:13:04,277
precedented threat requires
a worldwide quarantine.
217
00:13:04,345 --> 00:13:07,497
All ships must remain at sea
until further...
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00:13:07,581 --> 00:13:09,349
Humanity must endure.
219
00:13:09,417 --> 00:13:10,917
A virus?!
220
00:13:10,984 --> 00:13:13,737
- We're stuck on the ship?!
- What should we do?!
221
00:13:17,525 --> 00:13:20,560
They're buying it.
They're buying it.
222
00:13:20,628 --> 00:13:22,896
"Chillingly plausible" indeed,
223
00:13:22,963 --> 00:13:25,298
Joe Morgenstern of
The Wall Street Journal.
224
00:13:25,366 --> 00:13:28,001
Now to make sure no one can
call home to check,
225
00:13:28,069 --> 00:13:30,804
with a little help from
the make-your-own-sundae bar.
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00:13:32,973 --> 00:13:34,707
Squirt, squirt.
227
00:13:34,775 --> 00:13:36,926
Mmm.
228
00:13:40,748 --> 00:13:41,848
Mmm.
229
00:13:47,388 --> 00:13:49,155
Our attempts
to contact the mainland
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00:13:49,223 --> 00:13:50,824
have met with nothing
but static.
231
00:13:50,891 --> 00:13:53,827
It appears we have no choice--
to avoid the virus,
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00:13:53,894 --> 00:13:57,464
we must remain at sea
indefinitely.
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00:13:57,531 --> 00:13:59,032
Oh, no!
234
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:00,166
We're stuck here!
235
00:14:00,234 --> 00:14:01,067
Woo-hoo!
236
00:14:01,135 --> 00:14:03,803
Vacation forever!
237
00:14:09,663 --> 00:14:11,898
Good morning, everyone!
238
00:14:11,966 --> 00:14:15,568
As we greet a sunny
Day 12, After Virus.
239
00:14:15,636 --> 00:14:17,704
While the world
deals with their pandemic,
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00:14:17,771 --> 00:14:20,874
we're having a "fundemic,"
under the capable hands
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00:14:20,941 --> 00:14:23,610
of our Norwegian
Captain Svalbard.
242
00:14:23,677 --> 00:14:27,413
I always knew mankind's
hubris would doom us all.
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00:14:27,481 --> 00:14:30,049
Ja, he spoke
of it often.
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00:14:30,117 --> 00:14:31,684
Once we reach our exciting
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00:14:31,752 --> 00:14:33,753
and hopefully
virus-free destination,
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00:14:33,821 --> 00:14:36,689
romantic Antarctica,
our activities will include
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00:14:36,757 --> 00:14:38,558
building shelter,
hunting for food
248
00:14:38,626 --> 00:14:41,461
and starting civilization anew.
249
00:14:41,529 --> 00:14:43,530
While supplies may be
running a little low,
250
00:14:43,597 --> 00:14:46,332
not to worry,
as today's delicious buffet
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00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:50,403
features fresh seagull
and hull-scraped barnacles.
252
00:14:50,471 --> 00:14:54,908
In the Chuckles Comedy Club,
we have Joey Scazzazone,
253
00:14:54,975 --> 00:14:57,043
with his
no-longer-observational take
254
00:14:57,111 --> 00:14:58,978
on our pre-virus lives.
255
00:14:59,046 --> 00:15:00,363
Hey, so what's the deal with
256
00:15:00,431 --> 00:15:03,099
how many Starbucks
there used to be, huh?
257
00:15:03,167 --> 00:15:05,368
I don't know why
that bothered me so much.
258
00:15:05,436 --> 00:15:07,303
Hug your kids.
259
00:15:09,390 --> 00:15:10,890
Need a break?
260
00:15:10,958 --> 00:15:13,893
Then don't check out
the Sensations Luxury Spa,
261
00:15:13,961 --> 00:15:16,980
which is now the stronghold
of charismatic cult leader
262
00:15:17,047 --> 00:15:18,514
Dave the Lifeguard.
263
00:15:18,582 --> 00:15:21,634
Mankind was warned
not to run near the pool!
264
00:15:21,702 --> 00:15:23,436
Mankind did not listen!
265
00:15:23,504 --> 00:15:25,505
The virus is his reward!
266
00:15:25,573 --> 00:15:28,107
Ohm... ohm...
267
00:15:28,175 --> 00:15:32,178
So, remember, rule number one
is "always have fun,"
268
00:15:32,246 --> 00:15:35,782
because fun is the only thing
that will keep us alive.
269
00:15:35,849 --> 00:15:37,884
Fun!
270
00:15:37,952 --> 00:15:40,837
Worthless, worthless,
worthless.
271
00:15:40,905 --> 00:15:43,556
Hey, guys, can you believe
how awesome this is?
272
00:15:43,624 --> 00:15:45,141
If it wasn't for
this virus thing,
273
00:15:45,225 --> 00:15:47,176
we'd all be back
at our old sucky lives.
274
00:15:47,244 --> 00:15:50,647
Instead, you're here, where you
can be lovey-dovey all the time.
275
00:15:50,714 --> 00:15:52,382
Come on, kiss.
276
00:15:52,449 --> 00:15:53,967
Kiss!
277
00:15:54,034 --> 00:15:57,837
Bart, we're too worried
to enjoy each other's mouths.
278
00:15:57,905 --> 00:16:00,139
Yeah, and the customer
service on this cruise
279
00:16:00,207 --> 00:16:01,541
has really
gone downhill.
280
00:16:01,609 --> 00:16:03,610
Drop dead, fat-ass!
281
00:16:04,979 --> 00:16:08,114
Last week, that steward
brought me extra shampoo.
282
00:16:08,182 --> 00:16:10,383
He called me
"lovely lady."
283
00:16:10,451 --> 00:16:13,369
Hey, Lis, at least you nerds
are still geekin' it up.
284
00:16:13,437 --> 00:16:16,205
What could be sweeter than
a vacation that never ends?
285
00:16:16,273 --> 00:16:17,874
Sweet? Sweet?!
286
00:16:17,942 --> 00:16:19,208
The passengers on this ship
287
00:16:19,276 --> 00:16:20,810
could be the last people
on earth.
288
00:16:20,878 --> 00:16:21,811
Like monks during
the Dark Ages,
289
00:16:21,879 --> 00:16:24,213
it's up to the KidZone: Elite
290
00:16:24,281 --> 00:16:26,382
to make a record
of human culture.
291
00:16:26,467 --> 00:16:28,334
This group is adapting
children's classics
292
00:16:28,385 --> 00:16:31,837
for the stage to entertain
generations of survivors.
293
00:16:31,889 --> 00:16:34,557
Erik, we must work
with the humans.
294
00:16:34,642 --> 00:16:36,759
You are so
naive, Charles.
295
00:16:36,827 --> 00:16:39,028
We should rule them
as conquerors.
296
00:16:39,096 --> 00:16:42,932
Can't anybody enjoy
their forever vacation?
297
00:16:44,335 --> 00:16:45,768
Check it out!
The gallery was gonna
298
00:16:45,836 --> 00:16:47,136
throw these paintings
overboard,
299
00:16:47,204 --> 00:16:49,672
like they were
worthless garbage.
300
00:16:49,740 --> 00:16:51,874
Bart, glad
you're here.
301
00:16:51,942 --> 00:16:53,810
We're all gonna watch
a movie together.
302
00:16:53,877 --> 00:16:55,395
Yeah, a movie!
303
00:16:55,462 --> 00:16:58,464
It is about time you guys
started having some fun.
304
00:16:59,833 --> 00:17:01,934
Humanity must endure.
305
00:17:02,002 --> 00:17:03,720
General, it's worse
than we thought.
306
00:17:03,787 --> 00:17:05,154
The virus is
getting bigger.
307
00:17:09,176 --> 00:17:10,677
Bart, how could you?
308
00:17:10,744 --> 00:17:12,228
Uh, got to go!
309
00:17:12,312 --> 00:17:15,999
Man, I kicked butt
in the gladiator arena today.
310
00:17:16,066 --> 00:17:19,052
I won the last package
of hot dogs on the ship.
311
00:17:19,119 --> 00:17:21,788
I got robbed by marauders
on the way home.
312
00:17:21,855 --> 00:17:23,690
There is no virus!
313
00:17:23,757 --> 00:17:26,075
Bart faked the whole
thing with a DVD.
314
00:17:26,143 --> 00:17:29,379
A direct-to-video DVD.
315
00:17:29,446 --> 00:17:32,648
You stand accused
of letting down your team
316
00:17:32,716 --> 00:17:34,417
during music trivia.
317
00:17:34,485 --> 00:17:38,855
Your fun-ishment: eight hours
in the penal conga line.
318
00:17:43,477 --> 00:17:46,112
Excuse me, Cruise
Director Priddis.
319
00:17:46,180 --> 00:17:48,347
My son has something
to tell you.
320
00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:51,517
Speak passenger,
son of passenger.
321
00:17:51,585 --> 00:17:53,586
It was all a hoax;
there's no virus.
322
00:17:54,905 --> 00:17:56,756
But the warning
from the general!
323
00:17:56,824 --> 00:17:59,425
That was just Treat Williams
in a virus movie.
324
00:17:59,493 --> 00:18:02,128
You know, I thought
that general looked familiar.
325
00:18:02,196 --> 00:18:03,096
What?
326
00:18:03,163 --> 00:18:04,931
I'm in a lot of movies.
327
00:18:08,535 --> 00:18:10,953
I take back everything
I said to you
328
00:18:11,021 --> 00:18:13,289
that night
in the dolphin lab.
329
00:18:14,825 --> 00:18:16,859
All that happened is we got
a little extra vacation.
330
00:18:16,927 --> 00:18:18,561
Is that so bad?
331
00:18:18,629 --> 00:18:20,263
I think I ate
people meat!
332
00:18:21,665 --> 00:18:23,433
I know my son did
a terrible thing.
333
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:25,568
But there's a chapel
on this ship,
334
00:18:25,636 --> 00:18:27,620
and in that chapel
there's a book,
335
00:18:27,688 --> 00:18:30,690
and it says,
"Judge not, lest ye..."
336
00:18:32,793 --> 00:18:34,227
After this,
I'll be lucky to get work
337
00:18:34,294 --> 00:18:37,296
on a clothing-optional
Jimmy Buffett cruise!
338
00:18:37,364 --> 00:18:39,799
What about the duty-free
stuff we bought?
339
00:18:39,867 --> 00:18:42,135
"Never have fun!"
340
00:18:42,202 --> 00:18:44,070
My booze and cologne!
341
00:18:58,881 --> 00:19:00,294
That's fair.
342
00:19:00,295 --> 00:19:01,600
Sorry.
343
00:19:01,601 --> 00:19:02,852
I deserve it.
344
00:19:02,919 --> 00:19:04,954
Ow! That one really hurt.
345
00:19:05,022 --> 00:19:08,758
Sorry, sweetie, I just needed
to get that out of my system.
346
00:19:08,825 --> 00:19:12,328
This stupid prank is the most
selfish thing you've ever done!
347
00:19:12,396 --> 00:19:14,497
I wasn't being selfish.
348
00:19:14,564 --> 00:19:16,832
I did it
for you guys, too.
349
00:19:16,900 --> 00:19:19,535
Lisa, you made friends
with kids just like you.
350
00:19:19,603 --> 00:19:23,072
Mom and Dad, you were more happy
and in love than I ever saw you.
351
00:19:23,140 --> 00:19:25,474
It was the best week
of all of our lives,
352
00:19:25,542 --> 00:19:27,009
and I wanted it
to last forever.
353
00:19:28,178 --> 00:19:30,312
Choke on my numb
blue hands!
354
00:19:32,182 --> 00:19:34,016
Oh... what the...
355
00:19:36,219 --> 00:19:37,520
Hey, up here!
356
00:19:37,587 --> 00:19:38,921
You got to see this!
357
00:19:40,223 --> 00:19:41,957
Ooh!
358
00:19:42,025 --> 00:19:44,760
From egg to baby to grownup,
359
00:19:44,828 --> 00:19:46,328
we can see them living
360
00:19:46,396 --> 00:19:48,130
their entire penguin lives
from up here.
361
00:19:51,001 --> 00:19:52,635
What a load of crap.
362
00:19:52,703 --> 00:19:56,105
They spend all their time
trying to raise a baby, and why?
363
00:19:56,173 --> 00:19:58,774
So it can grow up and
do the same dumb thing,
364
00:19:58,842 --> 00:20:00,543
on and on forever.
365
00:20:00,610 --> 00:20:02,378
The penguin's life
isn't all bad.
366
00:20:02,446 --> 00:20:03,913
Those ones are having a blast.
367
00:20:07,234 --> 00:20:09,402
But the slide's just
like our cruise:
368
00:20:09,469 --> 00:20:11,187
a short awesome thing
that just shows you
369
00:20:11,271 --> 00:20:13,022
how boring the rest
of your life is.
370
00:20:13,106 --> 00:20:15,858
Well, sure, life is
full of pain and drudgery,
371
00:20:15,942 --> 00:20:18,794
but the trick is to enjoy
the few perfect experiences
372
00:20:18,862 --> 00:20:20,596
we're given in the moment.
373
00:20:20,664 --> 00:20:22,431
Yeah, stupid.
374
00:20:22,499 --> 00:20:25,785
Stop thinking about fun
and have it!
375
00:20:28,071 --> 00:20:29,755
Whoa... whoa...!
376
00:20:31,491 --> 00:20:32,892
Hey, wait for me!
377
00:20:51,178 --> 00:20:53,279
What a great ride.
378
00:21:21,124 --> 00:21:25,124
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
379
00:21:44,631 --> 00:21:46,148
Shh!