Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden,
but it's been a good home to us, to me,
Frank Gallagher, and me kids who I'm proud of, cos every single one of 'em
reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves, which they've got me to thank for.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip any more.
Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons -
it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah, and nits love him.
Debbie - sent by God, total angel.
You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way
to do you a favour,
plus lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star some day.
Sheila, me bird, couldn't be happier. One plate short of a full set, like.
And fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica - lend ya anything,
well, almost anything.
Carol and Marty - the lodgers from hell. Last of the lonely hearts
and a psychologist's wet dream. Still, nobody's perfect.
But all of 'em to a man know first and foremost
one of the most vital necessities in life is they know how to throw a party!
Heh, heh, heh, scatter!
Come, they told me
Rum-pah-pum-pum...
'Now they say a lie can travel half way round the world
'while the truth is still putting its boots on,
'which is right, because lies are our currency.'
Bar's closed for half an hour.
It's our New Year an' all, you know!
'There's white lies and there's black lies.'
Ahl Pa-rum-pa-pum-puml
'And then there's the totally fucking psychedelic ones.
'You know, the ones that knock you sideways
'because you never saw them coming?'
Dicko! All right, mate.
Here you are, attention, everyone. Here you are.
Time's upon us now. Synchronise your watches, here yer are!
Ten, nine...
Here they are! The fruit, apple of my eye, all four of 'em.
...Five...
I love you like the shepherd loves his flock.
...Three, two, one. Happy New Year!!!
Should auld acquaintance be forgot...
For Auld Lang Syne, my dear...
Eh, New Year's Resolution -
smoke more fags.
20 a day from now on.
And I'm gonna do more crappy stripagram work
and cut out the exercise. Might as well set realistic ones, eh?
Eh actually, I've got one for you.
Literature classes. You're always going on about how you can't read.
Yeah, but school and homework and that.
I don't think so, V.
Unless you wanna be pulling pints for the rest of your life,
you gotta put the effort in.
RHYTHMIC GROANING
Oh, Jesus...
What? What is it?
It's your mam!
Have you eaten peanuts?
Only a handful to soak up the gin. >
Ah, I'm allergic.
- Shit! - Well, you could have mentioned it!
Help, somebody!
- What have you done to him? - He's dying. Anapapleptic... whatsit.
His throat's swollen up. Get some water, Kev.
Two minutes into the new year and this happens. it's a sign.
Should never get involved with married men. it's a golden rule.
Please, God. Don't make this happen to me.
I know I've strayed of recent years, but I swear, let him live
and I'll come back to you, Lord, if you just hear me this one special time.
Thank you.
He did it! He heard!
Care to help those less fortunate?
There's nothing more upsetting than the sight of a sick child.
It's surprising how generous people can be when they're three sheets to the wind.
Bless you.
Deborah, you don't know if your parents received the letters from school
- about your Liam? - I'm not sure. Is it serious?
Well, it is, I'm afraid. The Head's talking exclusion.
Liam's behaviour last term became increasingly disruptive.
The nativity play was the final straw.
Did God send you?
No. God doesn't exist.
He's a made-up person,
and the Bible is all pretend stories to make people be good.
God's not real?
We're a Catholic foundation for the education of Catholic children.
Yeah, but he's only five.
Sinners start young, Debbie.
Miss Murdoch and myself will be doing a home visit,
ten o'clock Monday.
If you could remind your parents, I'd be very grateful. Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year. - Happy New Year.
Cops! Cops! it's a raid! Hide your gear.
It's a raid, they've got sniffers!
Ian?
- Not tonight! You can't tonight! - Says who?
Says decency!
We've reason to believe Class A drugs are being sold and consumed on these premises.
Course they are, it's New Year's Eve!
Ln.
Just checking we had enough ice.
You can arrest me any day!
Get off.
- Fuck off. - Ow!
Hey, hey! Jesus! Who trained him to do that?
Yer twisted, fucking...
- Got one here, sarge. - Get off!
(Woman) Leave him alone.
We'll meet again Don't know where
Don't know when, sunshine But I know...
Where'd you get the gear, Frank?
Bashed in bus stop.
Burnage end of Belshaw Lane.
But, but I did not do her over.
She was already dead when I nabbed the bag,
hence, hence...
did I take the purse?
I did not take the purse.
I left the purse where it was
out of respect for the fact she was already stiff as a minger's ring.
- Is that cos there was nothing in it? - Yeah, and she stank of piss!
So that's theft, possession...
debatable whether you had intent to supply.
Supply? Fucking come off... Fucking... to who?
It's not looking good for you, Frank.
It's not looking good at all.
Unless...
On the go-od ship, lol-li-pop
it's a sweet trip to the candy shop
Where bon-bons play
On the sunny beach...
Fuck off!
...Of Peppermint Bay.
Oh, he's going! He's going!
Hiya, Debbie. Oh, Happy New Year.
Debatable. ls me dad in?
He hasn't been to bed yet.
Letters from school. Liam's in big trouble. They're doing a home visit
- and they wanna see one of his parents. - And?
And you're one of his parents.
Dad, this is serious.
If he gets expelled we'll have social workers sniffing all over us.
What do you want me to do?
Promise you'll be at ours. Monday.
- Nine thirty, sharp. - I promise.
Promise me you won't forget.
Cross my heart and hope to...
We've ran out of sprite so I've done you a vodka.
Here ya are.
It's your serotonin, winter blues. Everyone gets a bit down in January.
Or it could be the fact that I'm bored, knackered and skint.
- Try eating. - I don't want to eat.
Didn't know you was going away.
- Spiritual retreat. Purifying my sinful soul. - What brought this on?
The road to Damascus, except for me it was the ladies lavatory.
I'm just a lonely woman searching for love and He understands that.
When I needed Him, God listened.
- God doesn't exist! - Liam!
He isn't real.
Get up, come on.
You're the only one that'll miss me.
Ah! I've got nits!
Bloody nits! Jesus! Can things get any worse?
(Liam) No God. No God.
There's no God.
Liam, listen to me and listen good. You can't keep saying that about God.
- Why not? - Because it upsets people.
Don't say it any more, OK. Never again.
And when them nice people from school come on Monday, you've got to be a very good boy.
Do you understand?
Sheila, it's Debbie. ls my dad there?
I think he's gone down with the flu. Do you want me to get him to call you?
Forget it!
There's nothing more upsetting than the sight of a sick child.
Don't want nits now, do we?
Come in.
Did you have a nice Christmas?
- Yes, thank you. - Er, would you like a cup of tea?
Er, No, we're fine, thanks. We just need a quick chat with your mum and dad
and then we'll be on our way.
My mum and dad can't make it today. They send their apologies.
I'm afraid that won't do.
Three letters have been sent and not a single one's been responded to.
The whole point of a home visit is so we can openly discuss our grievances.
The school Governors take a very strong line on parental responsibility.
Where are they? I mean, why have they left this to you?
Surely you should be in school.
What exactly's going on here, Deborah?
Well, the thing is, they've a lot on their plates at the minute.
And it's all got really difficult for them,
with the hospital visits and getting time off work.
It's not fair, none of it seems fair.
I'll speak to the teachers, and I'll make sure they're made fully aware.
Can you ask them not to mention it to Karen, his half-sister?
She picks him up after school. She's inconsolable.
Cancer is a terrible thing.
You don't think it's God's way of punishing him?
No, Debbie, you mustn't torture yourself with such thoughts.
So here it is, merry Christmas
Everybody's having fun...
if I hear that song one more time, I'm gonna chin some fucker.
Oh, Jez,
tonight am I still good for them couple of hours off?
- Is this gonna be a regular thing? - I'm learning to read, Jez.
It's not gonna happen overnight.
Well, read my lips.
I'm running a pub, not a library.
If you want time off, find someone to cover your shifts. Preferably young, sexy and female.
Problem solved.
...Granny always tell you...
House full of kids, you're bound to get the odd nit.
It's fucking disgusting.
You know your trouble? You're too clean.
If you're going out with our Marty, you have to let your standards drop.
When we were kids, he used to wear Y-fronts for that long,
we'd have to incinerate 'em.
Maybe that's where the arson started.
- It won't crack, you know. - What won't?
Your face.
I'm depressed.
You've food in your belly,
clothes on your back and a bloke that worships the ground you walk on.
What's the problem?
I don't know...
You need sunshine.
And how am I gonna get that, Marty, in the middle of fucking winter?
Unless you've got a spare grand to whisk me off to Rio.
No. But I'm gonna make you happy.
- Hiya, Kev. - Hiya, Debbie.
Start talking.
What?
- I told you to leave that on. - Debbie, what the fuck have you done?
Nothing.
Bullshit. The school think he's ill. Worse than ill.
One of the teachers has just started crying on my shoulder.
Well, she had no right. I specifically told her not to mention it!
Are you mental? What the fuck you playing at?
You can't go around telling people that...
- Liam, mate, go and get in the bath. - Don't wanna.
Do as you're told!
They were going to expel him.
Which means education inspectors,
which means home visits, which means social services,
because, in case you hadn't noticed, no-one's bringing us up!
Ls that what you want, busybodies crawling all over the house?
Authorities deciding what's best for us?
Cos that's what's gonna happen. We'll all be broken up,
thrown into care, or fostered out to the nearest friggin' taker.
- Why didn't you tell us? - What would you have done, Lip?
- Stopped shagging for five minutes? - Expelled? What for?
They think we're atheists. He keeps denouncing God.
Well, where did he get that from? Who told him God don't exist?
Don't blame me. I say prayers.
It was me.
Why?
- Cos it's true. - Debs, he's a little kid!
Exactly, so we shouldn't be telling him lies about superior beings!
You've done some screwy things in the past, Debs, but this takes the fucking medal.
So what did you tell 'em? How did they buy it?
It's a collection of different cancers.
They treat it with monthly chemo sessions.
I've got a letter from the hospital detailing his treatment schedules.
But you haven't got a letter because he's not a fucking patient.
Don't worry.
- She didn't wanna see it. People never do. - Maybe he just gets better.
- Overnight? - No, he's right. it's our only way out of it.
We let his hair grow back and pretend the treatment's worked.
But it can't leave this room.
The less people know, the more chance we've got of burying this.
Yeah, one sec.
ALL SHOUT AT ONCE
Hang on, hang on, I've only got one pair of hands!
- Pint, please. - I ordered two lagers...
it's not rocket science! How long have you been coming in here for?
What do you want, love? A lager? No problem.
- Is it two pints? - I asked for crisps.
Night school, my arse...
- Jez, can I borrow these, please? - Yes, yeah, go on, take 'em.
Thanks.
Come on, Lillian, we're three deep at the bar here.
For example, in the sentence, "I am going to the bar to buy two beers,"
we have two examples of how the same sounding word
is used in different contexts,
but if I were to add, "Would you like a beer too?"...
...we can see how the third meaning comes into play.
Open your textbooks at page three, and there are some
straightforward examples of this rule.
Have a look yourselves and then we'll... we'll go through it together.
Just gonna nip to the toilet, miss.
Dirty bitch.
Wants me in detention. Corporal punishment.
I've been a naughty boy...
Are you gonna be long? >
Erm, I'm fixing the cistern!
Use the other one.
Which other?
Fuck should I know? Nip out the fire door!
I've nothing to bloody wipe with.
Cheers, mate.
Do people think I'm poorly?
No.
Well, sort of.
Liam, listen to me carefully, right.
It's just a game we have to play,
so if you do exactly what I tell you to do then we won't get into trouble.
So if people think you're poorly, that's OK.
You have to let them think that, right?
It's all part of the game. Do you understand?
Off you go.
We've got a problem!
You got any spare change there for the Little Liam fund? Oh, cheers.
Thanks ever so much. Ta.
Got any spare change in your pockets, gents?
Dig deep in these pockets.
There you go.
Ah, that's brilliant, thanks ever so much, ta. Brilliant, ta.
A pound! Is that it? Little kiddie at death's door and you
can only manage a pound! We're sending him to Disneyland, not Camelot!
Sorry to hear about your Liam. It's a crying shame.
I thought it were t'other one first - that idiot from Oasis.
I said to Maureen, "He can pay for his own trip, money he's making." Sorry.
If they've started collecting wedge we're in deep shit.
How did Jez find out?
Father Crichton. He's touring pubs with his collection tin.
- Happy now? - I didn't know they'd send him to Disneyworld!
I'll go with him. They've got massive rides, like Space Mountain, not just Mickey Mouse.
- This is out of control. - There's only one thing for it.
We're gonna have to go down there and tell 'em the truth.
Stop it before it goes any further.
- I'm not doing it. - We'll all do it.
Thanks ever so much. Very generous.
God bless ya.
Oh, thank you.
Chemotherapy is a modern miracle.
Absolutely.
May I buy you a drink, Frank?
Absolutely.
- What the fuck's going on? - Now, Dad, listen...
Me own kiddie. And no-one tells me.
I'm the last to know, as usual.
I have to find out in the pub, off strangers.
Ls this how it is now? Ls this how we've ended up?
Me own kids keeping secrets from me.
Well, suppose I've only meself to fucking blame, haven't I?
But you could have fucking...
My little Liam!
Why...? Lickle Liam...
He's me own flesh and blood.
No, Dad, look it's...
Community is about sticking together and that's what we're gonna do
so it's my pleasure to declare the Liam Gallagher Appeal officially open.
APPLAUSE
- Frank. I came as soon as I heard. - Oh, Mum, listen...
Not now. if we tell them, everyone'll know.
Liam dying!
It's a wonder you can remember what he looks like.
Who rattled your fucking cage?
When did you last spend the day with him? Take him out. Have fun.
Call yourself a father.
Hang on a minute... Fuckin'...
She's right, Frank. He needs his father. They all need their father.
We should be there for them, like proper parents.
Well, well, yeah, yeah, course. I mean...
We could move in!
Then we'd all be together. Me, you and the kids.
One big happy family under the same roof.
(We need to talk.)
Oh, my God.
He's like summat from Chernobyl.
(Kev) Debbie needs to see a shrink.
How cracked have you got to be to make summat like that up?
She's a young girl trying to bring up a kiddie that doesn't belong to her.
- We should be praising her. - For making up cancer, Veronica?
For coping, with no parents
and a bunch of brothers who expect her to behave like their mother.
They're gonna kill us, you know that.
Hundreds of pounds have gone in. Wages, benefits. For what?
It's a fucking sham.
If we tell people the truth, what's the worst that can happen?
Remember Teresa Tyler.
Read all about it!
Fake charity woman torched from home.
Heartless bitch in fear of her life!
Read all about it!
If they think you've used a kid to extort money, they will build a fucking bonfire.
We could just say it was a mistake.
Like we thought he had cancer, but we found out it was really mumps.
Least I'm trying.
We've gotta keep schtum, even if it means not telling me dad and Sheila.
- You can't let 'em think he's dying. - He can't be trusted!
It's only for a few days. When it blows over we'll tell them the truth.
It won't do Frank any harm to love his son a bit harder, will it?
You finished talking about me now?
We can't just move in there, Sheila.
He needs a mother, Frank.
Yeah, but they've done all right so far.
- Frank, he's your son! Come on. - I know that, but...
it's like Marti Caine said, "You should go into battle
- "like it's your worst enemy." - Look what happened to her.
LAUGHING
Laugh all you like.
I borrowed these off your mam!
- Where's everyone gonna sleep?
- See? - Aren't these two gonna want their own room?
We'll have to convert the living room into a granny flat,
then no-one will be able to get next door. We won't have any privacy.
Not that we've got anything to hide or anything, but we are adults, with very adult needs.
No, no. No, Sheila, it's not gonna work.
I don't know, the logistics are all to cock.
I'm gonna have to sit down and rethink... What the fuck...?
What's this?
Ls this normal? Who thinks this is normal?
- It's for Sue's depression. - Lifting or deepening?
- What's going on? - They're moving in.
- Says who? - Someone could have told us.
You don't even fucking live here.
Never mind, there's more than enough room for everyone.
Come on, Sue, you can help me with the cleaning.
- I can't clean. The dust gives me migraines. - Come on.
SQUAWKING
Present for Sue. Pets are good for depression.
OK, everyone, see you next week.
So, how did you get on?
Five out of five. Excellent.
You're like, erm, teacher's pet.
I've gotta go, miss.
Ta-ra.
ENGINE SPLUTTERING
What the fuck?
Billy! This fucking car you sold me!
You told me it wasn't a ringer!
Bought as seen. And that was five years ago.
Now, fuck off. Our Satan's got a badger.
I guess you'll be needing a lift.
Well, this is as close as I go.
After this, it's straight to my place.
So...
...what's it to be, Kev?
Look, the thing is, Serena, I've got a girl at home
and, much as I would like to...
she'd tear me dick off.
She'd never know.
In my experience, women always know.
Suit yourself.
But I know you're interested,
or you wouldn't have to keep nipping off for a wank halfway through my lessons.
I'm gonna have you, Kev,
so if I were you, I would just... get...
used to the idea.
Thanks for the lift.
Hey. There's kiddies dying and you're doing that!
Go on, ya dirty bastard!
Go on!
Sheila, love, slow down.
I've got a house full of people with hungry stomachs.
- When will we get a chance to eat all this? - We need to conserve our energy.
I've done breakfast, dinner and tea - whatever's left can be frozen.
They can all look after themselves -
what do you think they did before we moved in, starved?
I mean, look at 'em, none of 'em are wasting awa...
Just stop fuckin' cookin', will yer? You're like a woman possessed.
We need food, Frank. It's what keeps us healthy.
Besides, little Liam's enjoying himself, aren't you?
Mummy's little helper. Oh, my risotto'll be turned to mud.
If you're looking for drugs, they hide 'em in the cistern.
No, no, I was just... Just a bit of dope or summat, just take the edge off.
I mean, what with your brother and it's being back here... it's all a bit of a...
Dad.
About Liam...
The thing is...
What the fuck you both doing in here?
Looking for your drugs.
Well, good luck, cos I ain't got any.
No gear?! You call yourself a fuckin' teenager! Hey... where's lan's stash?
You've gotta stop Jez, she's talking to a journalist.
You're joking.
- She's arranging a charity day. - Jesus!
We'll have to tell her the truth.
Jez! Are you out of your mind? She'll sack the pair of us.
We can't let it go in the papers - if she starts checking details,
we'll be hung out to dry.
I didn't go telling everyone he had fucking cancer.
- Neither did I. - You didn't stop it when you found out.
- I was trying to protect Debbie. - Yeah, and look where that's got us!
- Hey, what's going on? - We've got a problem.
Events, celebrities, fairground...
the entire day with one aim - helping a sick child in his hour of need.
And I assume you'll be contributing the profits from the bar.
Don't push it, sweetheart. I've a living to earn, you know.
OK, think I've got everything. Right, I wanna get a snapper down,
get a shot of Liam and his family.
Front page spread?
That depends if there's a murder. Sick kids are good,
but there's only one, and nothing beats a murder.
Let me know when you've confirmed a celebrity.
This day for little Liam, what you calling it?
Liam Day!
Bitch.
We're finished.
Maybe not. Cover for me.
- Where's Kash? - Er, in the back. Kash!
Cancer wrist bands?
Yep, I'm happy to do my bit.
They're not even charity registered.
They're still promoting the cause.
Live 8, Comic Relief -
do you think they all do it out of the goodness of their hearts? Bollocks.
Every time Bono shits, he earns a million quid. He ain't making my poverty history!
We're in a mess. You're the only one that can get us out of it.
See, the trouble with you is you put it all down to faith.
Faith. Faith!
Well, people haven't got fucking faith. It's all drip, drip, drip...
Drought, famine, tsunami...
Drip, drip, drip. Things are getting worse out here, you know?
Just gettin' fuckin' worse, so they think, "Fuck him,
"let him sit on his cloud, twiddling his beard."
As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods.
They kill us for their sport.
Fuckin' Shakespeare, fuckin' King Lear.
Yeah, fucking, he had it right, didn't he? But you can't expect us
to like you just like that, as a matter of course.
You can't expect "O, come let us adore him..."
Fuck off! Where's your cure for cancer?
Where's your cure for cancer? Where's your cure for cancer, eh?
Where's your help for the lickle Ethiopians and lickle kiddies
with two hearts and arms that don't fucking work properly?
If you want us to have fucking faith, you're gonna have to prove yourself.
Second Coming, parting of the waves, something spectacular,
something biblical, you know?
Otherwise, the fucking game's up... Whoa, whoa...
Kiss the brick, Franky boy.
Argh, this is intimidation.
You know, it's harassment.
I know how the fucking Muslims feel now.
Innocent man, eh, Frank?
On the good ship Lollipop it's a nice way...
Got a party tonight. Big bash. No hard feelings, eh, Frank?
Me son is dying!
If there's one time you're allowed to get mashed off your fucking face...
Little Liam.
(All) Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners
now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee,
blessed art thou amongst women
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
(All) Holy Mary mother of God, pray for us sinners
now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee,
blessed art thou amongst women and...
- Kev! - What you doing creeping round?
- What you doing cracking one off? - Just fancied it.
- Why didn't you wait? - I didn't know when you were gonna be back.
Right, what's going on?
What you talking about?
You. You're acting weird.
L... I'm not.
I think it's all this Liam stuff, you know, it's making me edgy.
Liam not dying makes you want to wank off to teenie porn.
It's this, innit, V? I can't do it. It's just not happening.
You've only been twice.
Yeah, I know but it's gonna take months and years.
And for what? To be able to do what everyone else finds piss easy.
Yeah. And so you can feel good about yourself, go for the jobs you want, yeah,
read the paper instead of looking at the fuckin' pictures.
You are not jibbing it, not without good reason.
I've got a good reason.
It's full of spods, the class, you know?
And knobheads who can't fucking read.
I feel like one of the school spanners, again.
You're doing really well. You've just gotta keep at it.
'Ey...
do you think I like wiggling me wares for a load of overweight businessmen? No!
But I've gotta do it, because I want a summer holiday. Same with you.
So no more moaning, and no more wanking - you're going.
As a representative of the local council, I'm delighted to announce that, in conjunction
with Saint Gabriel's RC Primary School and the local church, we've decided
to use Liam Day as a fundraiser not only for little Liam Gallagher,
bless him, but also a number of other sick children in the locale.
Miss Murdoch, Father Crichton and myself have agreed
that a pilgrimage to Lourdes, the renowned sacred home of healing,
would be the appropriate venue for the trip, as well as a brief stop at Euro Disney.
The local council will be providing a minibus, free of charge, for the entirety of the jaunt.
APPLAUSE
I know exactly what you're going through.
We lost our Toby to it last September.
Thanks, love. it's the kindness of strangers that gets you through.
Dicko!
Got some wicked new stuff coming in. Stronger. Proper spaceman stuff.
Stronger the better. I want a direct route to oblivion.
- I don't get it. - What's not to get?
Council donates a minibus, which immediately gives
the whole thing a ring of authenticity.
We fill it full of young unfortunates, send it to France and voila, the appeal's done its job.
Not all about Liam, he's just one of a bunch kids,
which stops that reporter sticking her nose where it's not wanted.
What do you get out of it?
Good publicity for the council. Plus a bit extra...
Viagra.
I've a mate in Toulouse who imports it from lndia.
Thousand boxes at a tenner a pop. Pick it up en route.
Amount of limp dicks round here, we're gonna clean up.
We need a driver. You in or what?
Why not? Could do with some spare dosh. I need a new fucking car.
Well, what about one of the Spice Girls?
I don't care... any. Oh, but not Geri, not if
she's gonna bring that bleedin' dog.
Take That then.
I know we'll not get Robbie but the rest of them can't be busy.
I can phone her if you like.
Oh, we're not having Su Pollard!
DOORBELL RINGS
(Lip) Feeling any better, Sue?
Little bit.
You can't rush these things.
Depression lifts in its own good time.
Bit lower, Marty, that's it.
Me mam's here.
- Liam. - Who is it?
I'm your mummy.
SHE SOBS
All right, Monica.
(Sobbing) Why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't anybody tell me?
SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY
He's not ill.
It's all a lie.
It was a mistake.
She didn't mean any harm.
If you'd come for the home visit, none of this would have happened.
Oh, so it's my fault, is it?
Fuckin' hell! And there's me thinking it was you.
Or you, or you, or you, or you.
No, it's fucking Frank. Again.
I suppose Tweedledum and Tweedle-fuckin'-dee knew an' all, did they?
- We knew. - Yeah, yeah, just muggins here.
I didn't know either, Frank.
Oh, fine.
If that's how much I fucking matter,
you'll be better off without me.
Frank! Frank...!
This is sick.
(Monica) This is beyond sick.
Evil fucking bitch!
Why did nobody tell me Fiona had left?
You've got me number, you could have called.
That's a two-way street. Try ringing us from time to time.
We were managing OK until all this happened.
There's a fundraising day Saturday.
You can't go through with it.
We've got no option.
Will you stay for it? It'd look better if you were there.
It'd be like I was going along with a lie.
He's my baby.
When I heard that word "cancer", it tore me apart.
Don't worry, I'm not staying.
Just gonna go and say goodbye to Liam.
Thought tonight was night school.
No, it's off, teacher's been run over.
You've not packed it in already.
No, no. Fucking teacher's ill. Intensive care, life support.
They've had to call the priest in, not even sure if she's... she's...
I can't bleedin' go, can I?
- Why not? - Because the teacher's hitting on me.
I'm frightened I'm gonna end up boning her.
No, it's not funny, Karen. She means business.
Proper porno poses, the works.
And I take it Veronica don't know.
No. And as far as she's concerned I'm still gonna go to me lessons.
- How long you gonna keep that up for? - Dunno. As long as it takes, Karen.
Oh, Jesus.
What if she looks in me work book?
Me school book. There'll be no new sentences in it.
Well, write some.
Got a bit of a problem there, Karen.
You couldn't help us, could you?
Bring it here, then.
Ta.
Are you back?
How was strip-o-gram?
Some jug-eared tosspot's 40th.
He got a lob on though, so I must have been doing summat right.
How was college?
Oh, crap.
Well, we did do that quick brown fox thing.
What's that?
You know. The "Quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog".
Look, it's a sentence, right, using every letter in the alphabet.
Good, innit? I were well impressed.
Learn something new everyday.
You're not kidding.
What?
You've not been, have you?
Yeah, course I have. Look.
"Dear Veronica, I can't go to night school cos the teacher is a horny little bitch
"who keeps flashing me her fanny. Sorry, love, Kev."
Kev!
I was gonna tell you but I thought you'd rip her eyes out.
Veronica, she's a fucking predator, right. It's sexual harassment.
If I was a bird, I could have her up in court.
Men, you are pathetic. Can you not trust yourself not to shag someone?
She wouldn't leave me alone, right.
She said she was gonna have me, no matter what.
I felt like I were being unfaithful just looking at her.
I only wanted to learn to read.
It's not my fault I'm irresistible.
So much for bettering myself.
Gonna be pulling pints for the rest of me life.
- I can teach you to read. - Wouldn't that drive you potty?
Probably.
But we're a couple, aren't we, and sometimes that means doing things
for the benefit of the other.
It's all the rage. Corporates, bisexual birthdays. We'll clean up.
I can't take me kit off in a room full of strangers, V.
You'll be fine.
Packet like yours, they'll be all over yer.
I can't do it, V. One chipolata gag, I'll be a gibbering wreck.
Fine, Kev. Could have doubled our income as a strip-o-gram
and I could've taught you to read into the bargain.
Can't I be a cowboy?
Frank.
Say petrol. Petrol.
(Marty) Say bonfire.
I guess he didn't come back.
I expect he must have slept at home. At our old house.
(Marty) Matches...
(Debbie) I'm really sorry, Sheila.
The last thing we wanted was to hurt you or me dad.
You just...
...Couldn't be trusted.
Bucket biff!
(Parrot) Bucket biff.
He did it.
Help us get through this, Sheila, please, we need you.
Really?
(Parrot) Bucket biff!
BRASS BAND PLAYS
Good afternoon, everybody, and thank you all for coming.
The time is 12.30, the place is Chatsworth, England.
Welcome to Liam Day!
If we get through this, it'll be a fuckin' miracle.
Just gotta keep our nerve.
Few hours, it'll all be over.
Oi! You lot, off!
If you wanna bounce, go and shag your sister.
(Boy) Fuck off, you mean cow.
It's only a quid down the offie.
Piss off down the offie then, Billy.
Ring Debbie, tell her we want the star of the show here by two.
And get your wristband on.
Now I know how Geldof must have felt. Give us your fucking money!
Hey, you little shit. You didn't even pay for that!
What the fuck you doing? He's wasted.
Ian.
BURPS
Look, we made a mistake.
Not interested.
No, it were wrong. We shouldn't have kept it from yer.
Not interested.
But we were in the shit, we had to make decisions.
Not fuckin' interested.
Well, maybe you should try asking yourself why we didn't tell yer.
Ah, Dicko, the very man.
Come on, I need that spaceman stuff.
FANFARE
(Woman) Is that him?
Ls that the cancer boy?
Why is everybody clapping?
Just pretend you're Superman, yeah?
Hello and thank you all for coming. Hope you're enjoying Liam Day.
Today is a very special day, because it's about our community,
the community of Chatsworth, coming together in a common cause.
Little Liam Gallagher is an exceptional child
and I'd like us all to commend and applaud this young man's bravery.
I'm delighted to announce that,
thanks to your generosity, we've reached our appeal target of £6,000.
Whatever's going on?
Little Liam, dying of cancer.
It's a bummer, like, but at least he gets a free holiday out of it.
Nooooooooooo!
Why do you keep punishing me?
Haven't I done enough?
(Veronica) Mum. Mum!
Carol!
Don't let it happen. Don't let this little boy be taken away.
(OVER PA) it's all right, Debbie made it up, it's only a game.
Liam, no!
(CROWD) What?!
Debbie? Is this true, Debbie?
It's a load of bollocks. He's not even dying!
(Woman) it's a con.
They're nicking our fuckin' money!
This is still a worthy cause. These children deserve your support...
ARGH!
Help!
(Lip) What's happened? What's he done?
Dad!
(Lip) He's not breathing. Veronica, he's not breathing.
(lan) Is he just pissed? Do something, he can't be dead.
(Carl) Why in't anyone doing anything?
Someone call an ambulance.
Please, someone help. Dad!
Daughter's deceit leaves Dad dead.
SIREN WAILS
Don't you dare die,
because who will that help?
Then we'll have no-one. Ls that what you want,
to leave us on our own?
Mum's gone, Fiona's gone.
And now you're gonna leave us. It's not fair. it's just not fair.
So you're gonna have to live,
and that's the end of it. Do you hear me?
I know I shouldn't have told everyone Liam had cancer...
...and I know you hate me for not telling you the truth.
But you're my dad
and I'll make everything all right, I promise.
If you live, I'll make everything all right.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Debbie. Here y'are.
He will be all right, won't he, Debbie?
Struck down at the moment of truth.
It's biblical, is this. It's God's way of telling her
what she did was pure evil.
Carol, zip it.
Don't you think I know that?
But I can't turn back the clock, can I?
Get off.
Let him live.
Please, let him live. I can't be on my own.
I'd rather die than be without him.
Please.
Frank's had a toxic reaction, which lead to his collapse.
He doesn't work with animals at all, does he?
- No. - No.
Only, he seems to have consumed a large quantity of phencyclidine.
It's a tranquiliser, often used by vets to calm horses.
- He'll be all right, though? - He'll be fine.
Few days rest but he's had a lucky escape.
PCP's one of the big boys, not to be fooled with.
Oh.
We're taking him home.
His home's here.
Liam, love, all your things are ready.
You're gonna come back to Mummy's house for a while.
Mum, you can't just take him.
He doesn't know me.
I'm his mum and he can't remember who I am.
Whose fault's that?
You know why I left.
Look you're all grown-up now... Well, nearly grown-up.
Oh, Liam, he's so young.
We need to spend some proper time together.
(Monica) Come here, lovey.
Mam, don't do this.
It's not fair. You can't split us up again.
You can't do this. I won't let yer.
This is nowt to do with you.
It's got everything to do with me.
You wanna pick a fight, you're messing with the wrong chicks.
We're taking him. And that's the end of it.
Over my dead body.
If necessary.
(Monica) There isn't a court in the land wouldn't support me having my son.
Well, we'll see then, won't we?
That's the only way he's gonna leave this house.
Stop it.
Just stop it!
You're arguing over him like he's a lost dog.
He's got a mouth, and a brain. He can decide what he wants for himself.
He's a five-year-old boy.
Why don't you try asking him?
Liam, love,
we need to decide where you're gonna live, who's gonna look after you.
Do you understand?
(Monica) So, where do you think you'd be happiest?
With me, your real mummy...
...and Norma.
(Monica) And Norma.
Or staying here, with, erm, Sheila and... your father.
It's up to you, mate.
Whatever you choose is all right.
Some weekends, as long as I can have him some weekends.
It's funny. In spite of everything that's happened, I feel good again.
The clouds have lifted, and it's all down to you.
I just want you to be happy.
I am.
With you looking after me.
(Parrot) Lazy bitch. Lazy bitch.
But that parrot's gotta go.
Let's get you inside. Hot bath and rest, that's what you need.
You've got to start looking after yourself.
I don't wanna be widowed before I'm even wed.
Heard every word.
This is erm... interesting.
Did you make it yourself, Sheila?
Yeah. it's quite straightforward.
It's, erm, wine, brandy, cinnamon sticks, cloves...
...Paintstripper!
Aren't you supposed to put sugar in mulled wine, Sheila?
Sugar? I forgot the sugar.
Must have been all the excitement.
Never mind, you can add your own sugar when you want. Here you go.
(Carol) Good health. (ALL) Good health.
Unaccustomed as I am... Erm, I'd like to say a few words.
Sometimes, you know, it takes a bolt from the blue to make you realise...
...what is important in life.
And, er... And, er...
Sorry. I'm welling up here.
Because just before I hit the deck,
thinking that me number was up, I had a vision.
A sort of premonition.
Clear as day.
Like I could touch it.
And it was me and Sheila, together,
grey-haired and wrinkly,
in Sheila's house on Sheila's couch, surrounded by all our children.
Every single one of yer.
And you were looking after us in our dotage.
And no matter what we needed,
you couldn't do enough for us.
Oh, Frank.
No, no, all right, just wait a minute.
Let me finish what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is...
I forgive you.
For the lies, the deceit.
Because...
I know that, whenever I need you,
you will always be there for me.
Me and you are going home, our home,
so we can make this vision come true.
Yeah, Frank.
(Sheila) Cheers.
(ALL) Cheers.
(Frank) 'They say truth's stranger than fiction, and it's true.
'I mean, the world's full of people doing mad, sick, crazy things.
'Take a look around you. You couldn't make it up
'in a month of fucking Sundays.'
What's new pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa
- Do you wanna drink? - All right.
Unless you fancy something a little bit stronger.
Poke my sister, you're dead.
You make me so fucking horny.
Ls that what Romeo said to Juliet?
Move your fucking hand, you silly bitch. I just need a room.
Damsel in distress needing shelter.
He's begging her, she's slapping him.
Who the fuck have we let into our lives?
He's not your fucking mate!
It's just a normal family home.
Q-U-l-C-K.
B-R-O... U?
Wrong. There's no U in brown.
Ah, does that mean I'm gonna have to have the cane again, miss.
I'm afraid so. Bend over.
(Kev) Ooh, miss.