1
00:00:02,202 --> 00:00:04,294
Completely empty box.
2
00:00:04,295 --> 00:00:05,561
If you'd like to examine it...
3
00:00:05,563 --> 00:00:06,896
Mm-hmm. Yep.
4
00:00:06,898 --> 00:00:10,983
I see nothing in this box
but a wasted childhood.
5
00:00:10,985 --> 00:00:14,270
Little snarky there,
Cello Lessons.
6
00:00:15,655 --> 00:00:19,942
And we have this completely
ordinary cylinder.
7
00:00:19,944 --> 00:00:21,327
If you'd like to examine it...
8
00:00:21,329 --> 00:00:26,615
Ordinary, yet I sense it is
dripping with magical potential.
9
00:00:26,617 --> 00:00:29,151
Oh, dear Lord.
10
00:00:29,153 --> 00:00:32,621
A man pops out for a moment
to evacuate his bowels
11
00:00:32,623 --> 00:00:35,657
and catch up on the adventures
of the Caped Crusader,
12
00:00:35,659 --> 00:00:37,643
only to emerge
and discover his apartment
13
00:00:37,645 --> 00:00:40,429
has been transformed
into a cabaret.
14
00:00:40,431 --> 00:00:42,448
Sheldon, he's just
15
00:00:42,450 --> 00:00:44,383
practicing for his
cousin's birthday party.
16
00:00:44,385 --> 00:00:46,218
As I was saying...
17
00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:48,137
empty box, empty cylinder,
18
00:00:48,139 --> 00:00:49,939
and... ooh!
19
00:00:49,941 --> 00:00:52,024
(whispers): Voila.
20
00:00:52,026 --> 00:00:53,976
I'm telling you, dude,
there's a seat
21
00:00:53,978 --> 00:00:57,313
on the Hogwarts Express
with your name on it.
22
00:00:57,315 --> 00:00:59,031
This is how you're
going to entertain
23
00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:00,682
your little cousin
and his friends?
24
00:01:00,684 --> 00:01:01,951
By lying to them?
25
00:01:01,953 --> 00:01:03,986
(chuckles): How is this lying?
26
00:01:03,988 --> 00:01:06,572
A magic show is an inherently
deceitful proposition.
27
00:01:06,574 --> 00:01:09,625
"This is an ordinary top hat."
28
00:01:09,627 --> 00:01:10,960
"You've chosen
that card freely."
29
00:01:10,962 --> 00:01:14,964
"I do not have a set of lock
picks lodged in my keister."
30
00:01:14,966 --> 00:01:16,298
KOOTHRAPPALI:
Can't you
31
00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:17,550
just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon?
32
00:01:17,552 --> 00:01:19,201
Why must you
peek behind the curtain?
33
00:01:19,203 --> 00:01:21,036
Or up the butt?
34
00:01:21,038 --> 00:01:24,206
If we poison the critical
thinking faculties of children
35
00:01:24,208 --> 00:01:25,724
by telling them that rabbits
36
00:01:25,726 --> 00:01:28,894
come out of hats,
then we create adults
37
00:01:28,896 --> 00:01:31,013
who believe in astrology
and homeopathy
38
00:01:31,015 --> 00:01:34,350
and that Ryan Reynolds was a
better choice for Green Lantern
39
00:01:34,352 --> 00:01:36,852
than lovable rogue
Nathan Fillion.
40
00:01:36,854 --> 00:01:38,854
Sheldon,
41
00:01:38,856 --> 00:01:41,290
he's just gonna do a few
magic tricks for some kids.
44
00:01:45,413 --> 00:01:46,862
Don't be so
hard on him.
45
00:01:46,864 --> 00:01:48,781
It's natural to be
a little cranky when you have...
46
00:01:48,783 --> 00:01:52,167
(grunts): a quarter
in your ear!
47
00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:57,089
Coins lodged in body parts
is not a source of amusement.
48
00:01:57,091 --> 00:02:01,176
When I was five, Billy Sparks
put a Mexican peso up my nose.
49
00:02:01,178 --> 00:02:02,378
(laughter)
50
00:02:02,380 --> 00:02:05,164
Wait-wait-wait,
how is that not amusing?
51
00:02:05,166 --> 00:02:06,999
It's still there.
52
00:02:07,884 --> 00:02:09,084
Takes me
53
00:02:09,086 --> 00:02:12,187
45 minutes to get
through airport security.
54
00:02:14,391 --> 00:02:17,943
Look, I made
Sheldon disappear. Ta-da.
55
00:02:17,945 --> 00:02:21,397
Next time, you should
open with that.
56
00:02:21,399 --> 00:02:25,034
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
57
00:02:25,036 --> 00:02:28,370
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
58
00:02:28,372 --> 00:02:29,989
♪ The Earth began to cool
59
00:02:29,991 --> 00:02:32,524
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
60
00:02:32,526 --> 00:02:35,194
♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
61
00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:37,863
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
62
00:02:37,865 --> 00:02:39,782
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
63
00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:40,891
♪ Bang! ♪
64
00:02:40,892 --> 00:02:44,392
The Big Bang Theory 5x12
The Shiny Trinket Maneuver
Original Air Date on January 12, 2012
65
00:02:44,393 --> 00:02:47,393
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
66
00:02:47,414 --> 00:02:49,347
Ooh, look who's out on a date.
67
00:02:49,348 --> 00:02:53,117
Pasadena's favorite
power couple, Shamy.
68
00:02:53,119 --> 00:02:55,202
And that is the answer
to the question,
69
00:02:55,204 --> 00:02:57,838
what is wrong with eating
at The Cheesecake Factory?
70
00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,691
So, are we celebrating
anything special tonight?
71
00:03:00,693 --> 00:03:01,909
Oh, yes.
72
00:03:01,911 --> 00:03:03,694
Our relationship
agreement specifies
73
00:03:03,696 --> 00:03:05,496
that the second Thursday
of every month,
74
00:03:05,498 --> 00:03:08,049
or the third Thursday
in a month with five Thursdays,
75
00:03:08,051 --> 00:03:09,583
is date night.
76
00:03:13,037 --> 00:03:15,890
That is so hot.
77
00:03:17,225 --> 00:03:21,595
All right, without objection,
the minutes of the previous date
78
00:03:21,597 --> 00:03:23,981
are considered
read and agreed to.
79
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,734
Any new business?
80
00:03:26,736 --> 00:03:28,319
How was your day?
81
00:03:28,321 --> 00:03:29,236
Superb.
82
00:03:29,238 --> 00:03:31,739
This morning I made
a palindrome
83
00:03:31,741 --> 00:03:32,957
with my Alpha-Bits.
84
00:03:32,959 --> 00:03:36,026
"Nice hat, Bob Tahecin."
85
00:03:36,995 --> 00:03:39,730
Sounds like you
hit the ground running.
86
00:03:39,732 --> 00:03:42,500
I have a bit of
good news myself.
87
00:03:42,502 --> 00:03:43,934
My most recent paper
88
00:03:43,936 --> 00:03:46,420
on how a cooperative
long-term potentiation
89
00:03:46,422 --> 00:03:48,456
can map memory sequences
in dendritic branches
90
00:03:48,458 --> 00:03:50,708
made the cover of Neuron.
91
00:03:50,710 --> 00:03:52,910
Ooh! Speaking of good news,
92
00:03:52,912 --> 00:03:54,095
somebody...
93
00:03:54,097 --> 00:03:57,214
just hit 100
Twitter followers.
94
00:03:57,216 --> 00:03:59,433
That's nice.
95
00:03:59,435 --> 00:04:01,051
Anyway, I've been
dreaming of this day
96
00:04:01,053 --> 00:04:02,636
for a long time.
Yeah, me, too.
97
00:04:02,638 --> 00:04:04,522
Triple digits,
I'm not gonna lie--
98
00:04:04,524 --> 00:04:06,056
it feels pretty good.
99
00:04:06,058 --> 00:04:07,758
Sheldon,
100
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:09,944
I'm the sole author
on a paper being published
101
00:04:09,946 --> 00:04:11,729
in a distinguished journal
that may change
102
00:04:11,731 --> 00:04:13,063
the course of my field.
103
00:04:13,065 --> 00:04:14,215
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
104
00:04:14,217 --> 00:04:15,983
Ooh, 101!
105
00:04:15,985 --> 00:04:19,069
Air's getting
a bit thin up here.
106
00:04:20,238 --> 00:04:22,456
So, are we ready to order?
107
00:04:22,458 --> 00:04:23,707
Give me a minute.
108
00:04:23,709 --> 00:04:25,476
I'm gonna go wash up.
109
00:04:26,878 --> 00:04:28,829
Well, that's odd.
110
00:04:28,831 --> 00:04:31,298
We both washed up
when we came in.
111
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:34,117
It's probably a euphemism
for urination.
112
00:04:34,119 --> 00:04:36,470
Sheldon, what is
wrong with you?
113
00:04:36,472 --> 00:04:39,640
Not much. Although,
I can be faulted
114
00:04:39,642 --> 00:04:41,959
for being overly fond
of koala bears.
115
00:04:41,961 --> 00:04:43,561
I don't know what it is,
116
00:04:43,563 --> 00:04:45,513
when they smart munching
on eucalyptus,
117
00:04:45,515 --> 00:04:47,898
I just melt inside.
118
00:04:47,900 --> 00:04:49,800
Okay, Amy just told you
some exciting news,
119
00:04:49,802 --> 00:04:52,019
and you acted like
it was no big deal.
120
00:04:52,021 --> 00:04:53,771
Oh, I see why you're confused.
121
00:04:53,773 --> 00:04:56,640
No, her news sounded important,
but what you're forgetting is,
122
00:04:56,642 --> 00:04:59,410
it was an achievement
in the field of biology.
123
00:04:59,412 --> 00:05:03,514
That's all about yucky,
squishy things.
124
00:05:03,516 --> 00:05:06,000
Honey, she's upset.
You're her boyfriend.
125
00:05:06,002 --> 00:05:08,485
You have to at least
try to be excited
126
00:05:08,487 --> 00:05:10,254
by the things
she's excited by.
127
00:05:10,256 --> 00:05:12,806
What if they simply
don't excite me?
128
00:05:12,808 --> 00:05:16,093
Well, just smile and
think about koalas.
129
00:05:16,095 --> 00:05:17,428
She'd see right through that.
130
00:05:17,430 --> 00:05:19,496
We go to the zoo all the time.
131
00:05:19,498 --> 00:05:21,348
She knows my koala face.
132
00:05:22,834 --> 00:05:25,436
And for future reference,
it's this.
133
00:05:29,941 --> 00:05:32,142
Oh, you have a lot
of magic stuff.
134
00:05:32,144 --> 00:05:33,611
Yeah.
135
00:05:33,613 --> 00:05:35,178
I started when I was a teenager.
136
00:05:35,180 --> 00:05:37,531
I thought I could show
a girl a few tricks
137
00:05:37,533 --> 00:05:41,068
and invite her up to my bedroom
to see the rest of the act.
138
00:05:41,870 --> 00:05:43,787
Did it work?
139
00:05:43,789 --> 00:05:45,990
Ah, let's just say the only wand
140
00:05:45,992 --> 00:05:49,877
that ever saw any action
was this one.
141
00:05:51,796 --> 00:05:55,616
Oh, look what my mom
made us for the act.
142
00:05:55,618 --> 00:05:56,884
Ooh...
143
00:05:56,886 --> 00:05:58,802
I like the fabric.
144
00:05:58,804 --> 00:06:00,170
Where'd she get it?
145
00:06:00,172 --> 00:06:04,058
Well, she cut up one
of her old bathing suits.
146
00:06:05,209 --> 00:06:09,063
She made these two vests
and half a dozen napkins.
147
00:06:10,148 --> 00:06:13,717
MRS. WOLOWITZ (calls): Has she
tried on the vest yet?!
148
00:06:13,719 --> 00:06:14,718
I just gave it to her!
149
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:18,072
I hope it fits-- she
has a tricky figure!
150
00:06:18,074 --> 00:06:22,860
She's short
and stacked, like me!
151
00:06:22,862 --> 00:06:26,864
She's not stacked like you, Ma!
She never steps on hers!
152
00:06:30,418 --> 00:06:33,337
Listen, Howie,
maybe I'm not the best choice
153
00:06:33,339 --> 00:06:34,955
to be a magician's assistant.
154
00:06:34,957 --> 00:06:37,258
You'll do fine.
Hand me those rings?
155
00:06:38,677 --> 00:06:41,078
See? You nailed it.
156
00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:42,379
You know, i-it's just that
157
00:06:42,381 --> 00:06:44,298
I'm not that comfortable
with little kids.
158
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:46,383
Well, that's because you
haven't been around them much.
159
00:06:46,385 --> 00:06:48,135
This is good
practice. I mean,
160
00:06:48,137 --> 00:06:50,854
you are gonna be
a mom someday, right?
161
00:06:50,856 --> 00:06:51,939
Mmm...
162
00:06:51,941 --> 00:06:54,257
Yeah, sure.
Oh-ho-ho!
163
00:06:54,259 --> 00:06:58,929
I haven't seen
this trick in years.
164
00:06:58,931 --> 00:07:00,447
It's called
the dove pan.
165
00:07:00,449 --> 00:07:02,783
You let everyone see
the pan is empty,
166
00:07:02,785 --> 00:07:06,403
but there's a secret
compartment in the lid.
167
00:07:06,405 --> 00:07:09,990
And then you open it
and produce a live...
168
00:07:19,501 --> 00:07:22,803
Don't look in there.
169
00:07:27,008 --> 00:07:29,626
Oh, a little Red
Dead Redemption, huh?
170
00:07:29,628 --> 00:07:31,895
SHELDON:
Yes.
171
00:07:31,897 --> 00:07:33,397
How come you're not
doing a mission?
172
00:07:33,399 --> 00:07:34,565
You're just
wandering around.
173
00:07:34,567 --> 00:07:36,317
Had a rough night.
174
00:07:36,319 --> 00:07:39,987
I thought I'd go for a walk
and clear my head.
175
00:07:41,773 --> 00:07:45,442
Some people go outside
and do that.
176
00:07:45,444 --> 00:07:48,996
It's after 9:00-- at this hour
the streets of Pasadena
177
00:07:48,998 --> 00:07:53,083
are teeming with drunken sailors
and alley cats.
178
00:07:53,085 --> 00:07:54,918
You want to talk about it?
179
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,036
No.
180
00:07:56,038 --> 00:07:58,222
I think I'll just go
in this saloon
181
00:07:58,224 --> 00:08:00,824
and drink my troubles away.
182
00:08:05,597 --> 00:08:09,833
You know digital
alcohol is never a solution.
183
00:08:09,835 --> 00:08:11,935
What's going on?
184
00:08:11,937 --> 00:08:13,270
(sighs)
185
00:08:13,272 --> 00:08:15,356
Hard as this may be to believe,
186
00:08:15,358 --> 00:08:19,360
it's possible that
I'm not boyfriend material.
187
00:08:22,781 --> 00:08:26,183
Glad I was sitting down
for that.
188
00:08:26,185 --> 00:08:28,202
Did you and Amy get in a fight?
189
00:08:28,204 --> 00:08:32,189
Amy had a fight; I was being
perfectly reasonable.
190
00:08:33,041 --> 00:08:34,241
I'm gonna have a whiskey.
191
00:08:34,243 --> 00:08:35,325
Do you want anything?
192
00:08:35,327 --> 00:08:37,644
No, I can't.
193
00:08:37,646 --> 00:08:40,531
I'm playing Grand
Theft Auto later.
194
00:08:45,503 --> 00:08:48,055
Look, I'm no expert in women...
195
00:08:48,057 --> 00:08:48,922
I'll say.
196
00:08:50,275 --> 00:08:53,060
That's not necessary when
someone's trying to help you.
197
00:08:53,062 --> 00:08:55,312
I'm sorry.
It's the alcohol talking.
198
00:08:55,314 --> 00:08:57,614
Go on.
199
00:08:58,850 --> 00:09:03,220
Sometimes with women you want
to listen to what upsets them
200
00:09:03,222 --> 00:09:08,358
and then show them
that you can grow and change.
201
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:14,731
Nuts to that.
What else you got?
202
00:09:14,733 --> 00:09:15,949
Buy her something.
203
00:09:15,951 --> 00:09:19,670
How does that work?
204
00:09:19,672 --> 00:09:23,457
Well, you skip over
any attempt to repair
205
00:09:23,459 --> 00:09:26,510
your emotional connection
and you win back her affection
206
00:09:26,512 --> 00:09:30,080
with an empty financial gesture.
207
00:09:30,082 --> 00:09:34,902
Well, that approach has Sheldon
Cooper written all over it.
208
00:09:35,937 --> 00:09:37,921
Glad I could help.
209
00:09:37,923 --> 00:09:39,589
It's appreciated.
And if you ever manage
210
00:09:39,591 --> 00:09:42,643
to find a woman again, I'll
be glad to return the favor.
211
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,649
And now, all
the rings are
212
00:09:48,651 --> 00:09:51,034
magically linked together.
213
00:09:52,303 --> 00:09:55,873
My fiancée's wearing
a magic ring, too.
214
00:09:55,875 --> 00:09:58,392
It made all my money disappear.
215
00:10:01,112 --> 00:10:03,280
Oh, ah, right.
216
00:10:06,835 --> 00:10:09,119
And now, the
great Howdini's
217
00:10:09,121 --> 00:10:12,639
next miraculous
illusion.
218
00:10:12,641 --> 00:10:14,641
When are we gonna have cake?
219
00:10:14,643 --> 00:10:19,763
After you've
been thoroughly amazed.
220
00:10:19,765 --> 00:10:21,932
But we want cake now.
221
00:10:21,934 --> 00:10:25,402
Well, you're not getting cake
right now, capisce?
222
00:10:26,488 --> 00:10:30,607
(chuckles):
Okay. Okay.
223
00:10:30,609 --> 00:10:34,361
Now, my lovely assistant
is going to bring me
224
00:10:34,363 --> 00:10:36,363
an ordinary
pitcher of milk.
225
00:10:36,365 --> 00:10:38,165
I know how you do that trick.
226
00:10:38,167 --> 00:10:40,117
Do you know how to pipe down?
227
00:10:41,252 --> 00:10:43,504
(chuckles):
Okay, we're going
228
00:10:43,506 --> 00:10:46,757
to roll up
this newspaper.
229
00:10:46,759 --> 00:10:48,008
It's a fake pitcher.
230
00:10:48,010 --> 00:10:49,676
You got wax in your ears?
231
00:10:49,678 --> 00:10:52,296
The man said
it's an ordinary pitcher.
232
00:10:52,964 --> 00:10:55,165
Howdini.
233
00:10:55,167 --> 00:11:00,187
Okay, we're going
to stick this in here.
234
00:11:00,189 --> 00:11:03,006
And then I'm going
to pour in the milk.
235
00:11:03,008 --> 00:11:05,142
(chuckles):
I hope this works,
236
00:11:05,144 --> 00:11:07,211
because I didn't
bring a change of pants.
237
00:11:07,862 --> 00:11:09,780
Look, I Googled it.
238
00:11:09,782 --> 00:11:11,882
It's a fake pitcher.
239
00:11:13,117 --> 00:11:14,952
That's it.
240
00:11:14,954 --> 00:11:16,236
No cake for you.
241
00:11:16,238 --> 00:11:18,822
Anyone else want to
join the No Cake Club?
242
00:11:19,857 --> 00:11:22,042
She's just kidding,
boys and girls.
243
00:11:22,044 --> 00:11:23,410
Everyone gets cake.
244
00:11:23,412 --> 00:11:26,380
Not him.
245
00:11:28,082 --> 00:11:31,301
Just give me the pitcher.
246
00:11:31,303 --> 00:11:32,753
(clears throat)
247
00:11:32,755 --> 00:11:34,922
Behold!
248
00:11:40,395 --> 00:11:42,596
(laughter)
249
00:11:47,352 --> 00:11:49,552
Wrong pitcher.
250
00:11:54,933 --> 00:11:57,141
I told you I'm not
good with kids.
251
00:11:57,142 --> 00:11:58,608
Yes, you did.
252
00:11:58,610 --> 00:12:01,862
Oh, I think my crotch
is starting to curdle.
253
00:12:02,830 --> 00:12:06,166
The thing is, my mother
worked full-time.
254
00:12:06,168 --> 00:12:08,785
I had to take care of
my brothers and sisters.
255
00:12:08,787 --> 00:12:10,454
Yeah, so?
256
00:12:10,456 --> 00:12:12,039
Ugh, it was horrible!
257
00:12:12,041 --> 00:12:14,675
With their snotty noses
and their poopy diapers
258
00:12:14,677 --> 00:12:17,294
and their little shrieky voices,
always complaining.
259
00:12:17,296 --> 00:12:18,762
"I don't want to get dressed."
260
00:12:18,764 --> 00:12:20,497
"Joey keeps spitting
in my mouth."
261
00:12:20,499 --> 00:12:22,516
"This isn't the way
Mom makes waffles."
262
00:12:22,518 --> 00:12:24,601
(yelling): Well, okay, put your
hand in here.
263
00:12:24,603 --> 00:12:27,170
Let's see how you
like this waffle!
264
00:12:27,172 --> 00:12:30,340
All right, settle down.
265
00:12:30,342 --> 00:12:31,558
Red light.
266
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:33,510
Red light, red light!
267
00:12:33,512 --> 00:12:36,813
Okay, we're fine.
268
00:12:36,815 --> 00:12:38,231
I'm sorry.
269
00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:40,400
I know it makes me sound
like a bad person,
270
00:12:40,402 --> 00:12:41,985
but I just don't like children.
271
00:12:41,987 --> 00:12:44,154
Yeah, no, we all got that.
272
00:12:46,324 --> 00:12:48,325
But don't you think
it'll be different
273
00:12:48,327 --> 00:12:50,711
when the child is ours?
274
00:12:50,713 --> 00:12:53,246
Right, when it's our kid
that's ruined my body
275
00:12:53,248 --> 00:12:56,199
and kept me up all night and
I've got no career and no future
276
00:12:56,201 --> 00:12:58,552
and nothing to be happy about
for the next 20 years,
277
00:12:58,554 --> 00:13:01,421
sure, that'll be
completely different.
278
00:13:04,142 --> 00:13:06,510
Well, yeah.
279
00:13:11,399 --> 00:13:14,468
I don't think there's
anything in this jewelry store
280
00:13:14,470 --> 00:13:15,885
that Amy would appreciate more
281
00:13:15,887 --> 00:13:19,439
than the humidifier we were
just looking at at Sears.
282
00:13:19,441 --> 00:13:22,392
Oh, my God, now I know
what I sound like to you
283
00:13:22,394 --> 00:13:25,095
when I say stupid stuff.
284
00:13:27,398 --> 00:13:28,915
Ooh, a pocket watch.
285
00:13:28,917 --> 00:13:30,900
Okay, I don't think Amy
wants a pocket watch.
286
00:13:30,902 --> 00:13:34,788
No, but maybe she wants
a man with a pocket watch.
287
00:13:34,790 --> 00:13:38,875
Still saying stupid stuff.
288
00:13:38,877 --> 00:13:40,794
Ooh...
289
00:13:40,796 --> 00:13:41,845
Does she like bracelets?
290
00:13:41,847 --> 00:13:44,131
Well, she's very fond
of her silver one
291
00:13:44,133 --> 00:13:46,049
that says "allergic
to penicillin."
292
00:13:46,051 --> 00:13:49,436
Maybe they have a dressier
version of that?
293
00:13:49,438 --> 00:13:51,388
Well, how are we doing
this afternoon?
294
00:13:51,390 --> 00:13:52,856
Are we looking for
anything special?
295
00:13:52,858 --> 00:13:54,307
Perhaps a ring for the lady?
296
00:13:54,309 --> 00:13:56,610
(snorts) Trust me, we are
not a couple.
297
00:13:56,612 --> 00:13:58,528
Excuse me.
298
00:13:58,530 --> 00:14:01,531
I don't see why you get to snort
derisively and point that out.
299
00:14:01,533 --> 00:14:04,367
You'd be lucky to land
a fella like me.
300
00:14:04,369 --> 00:14:05,819
Fine, go ahead.
301
00:14:05,821 --> 00:14:09,573
(snorts) Trust me, we are
not a couple.
302
00:14:09,575 --> 00:14:10,624
My apologies.
303
00:14:10,626 --> 00:14:12,292
How can I help you today?
304
00:14:12,294 --> 00:14:13,660
He's in trouble
with his girlfriend
305
00:14:13,662 --> 00:14:15,212
and needs to
buy her a present.
306
00:14:15,214 --> 00:14:17,798
Great, trouble with girlfriends
307
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:21,051
is what's putting
my daughter through USC.
308
00:14:23,087 --> 00:14:25,555
Ooh, are these real diamonds?
309
00:14:25,557 --> 00:14:29,059
Yes. Channel set baguettes,
20 points total weight.
310
00:14:29,061 --> 00:14:30,644
Remarkable.
311
00:14:30,646 --> 00:14:33,013
Diamonds, crystallized carbon.
312
00:14:33,015 --> 00:14:35,131
Every day, people go
to the grocery store
313
00:14:35,133 --> 00:14:37,184
and come home with
sacks full of carbon
314
00:14:37,186 --> 00:14:38,968
in the form of
charcoal briquettes
315
00:14:38,970 --> 00:14:41,571
that they toss in their
barbeques and set on fire.
316
00:14:41,573 --> 00:14:43,990
But just because
you've got some carbon
317
00:14:43,992 --> 00:14:45,992
with the atoms stacked neatly,
318
00:14:45,994 --> 00:14:48,662
you expect me to plunk down
thousands of dollars.
319
00:14:48,664 --> 00:14:50,280
Actually, that's only 750.
320
00:14:50,282 --> 00:14:51,531
Everything's on sale.
321
00:14:51,533 --> 00:14:54,734
Really. Talk to me
about that pocket watch.
322
00:14:57,205 --> 00:15:00,207
I'm still trying to
wrap my mind around it.
323
00:15:00,209 --> 00:15:01,491
I always
324
00:15:01,493 --> 00:15:04,377
thought I'd be a dad someday.
325
00:15:04,379 --> 00:15:05,662
Oh, me, too.
326
00:15:05,664 --> 00:15:07,097
You're so caring.
327
00:15:07,099 --> 00:15:10,634
I've often pictured you guiding
a young boy into manhood.
328
00:15:14,689 --> 00:15:16,056
There you go, Howard.
329
00:15:16,058 --> 00:15:19,359
Sounds like Raj'll have
your babies; problem solved.
330
00:15:19,361 --> 00:15:21,478
Hey, just because a man
shows caring for another man
331
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:22,779
doesn't mean he's
displaying the love
332
00:15:22,781 --> 00:15:25,782
that dare not speak its name.
333
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,852
Did she definitely say
she didn't want kids?
334
00:15:29,854 --> 00:15:31,655
Yeah, she doesn't like them.
335
00:15:31,657 --> 00:15:34,991
And from what I saw,
the feeling was mutual.
336
00:15:39,997 --> 00:15:41,864
What are you gonna do?
337
00:15:41,866 --> 00:15:43,099
I don't know.
338
00:15:43,101 --> 00:15:45,702
I can't see a life
where I don't have kids.
339
00:15:45,704 --> 00:15:47,254
I mean, people have kids.
340
00:15:47,256 --> 00:15:52,375
I mean, even Donkey Kong
had Donkey Kong Jr.
341
00:15:52,377 --> 00:15:56,680
So he could teach someone
how to kidnap princesses
342
00:15:56,682 --> 00:16:00,617
and throw barrels
at Italian plumbers.
343
00:16:00,619 --> 00:16:04,220
You know, there's no guarantee
even if you have kids
344
00:16:04,222 --> 00:16:05,906
that you're going to like them.
345
00:16:05,908 --> 00:16:09,025
Wow, that's rough.
Where'd you get that?
346
00:16:09,027 --> 00:16:13,330
It's right off the dust jacket
of my mom's last book.
347
00:16:15,499 --> 00:16:19,836
Maybe me and Bernadette
aren't right for each other.
348
00:16:19,838 --> 00:16:24,040
Look, Howard, I'd say there's
a lot of fish in the sea,
349
00:16:24,042 --> 00:16:27,010
but I watched you dangle your
hook in the water for years.
350
00:16:27,012 --> 00:16:29,646
Do not throw her back.
351
00:16:32,216 --> 00:16:36,353
I don't want to, but this is
kind of a deal breaker.
352
00:16:36,355 --> 00:16:38,521
What's your mom going to say
if you call off the wedding?
353
00:16:38,523 --> 00:16:39,856
Oh, it'll kill her.
354
00:16:39,858 --> 00:16:41,808
On the other hand, if I don't
give her grandchildren,
355
00:16:41,810 --> 00:16:43,226
that'll kill her, too.
356
00:16:43,228 --> 00:16:45,946
So, either way,
on the Mom front, I'm golden.
357
00:16:48,482 --> 00:16:51,067
What time did you tell
Amy to be here?
358
00:16:51,069 --> 00:16:52,986
8:00.
359
00:16:57,441 --> 00:17:00,243
Sheldon, that pocket watch
is ridiculous.
360
00:17:00,245 --> 00:17:01,444
Nonsense.
361
00:17:01,446 --> 00:17:04,147
I look like a train conductor.
362
00:17:05,967 --> 00:17:09,169
Under what pretext
did you lure her here?
363
00:17:09,171 --> 00:17:12,339
(knocking) I said, "Hey, want
to come over and hang out?"
364
00:17:12,341 --> 00:17:14,307
Good, good, if you had
said something clever,
365
00:17:14,309 --> 00:17:16,509
she might've gotten suspicious.
366
00:17:17,311 --> 00:17:19,729
Hey.
Hi.
367
00:17:19,731 --> 00:17:20,963
What's he doing here?
368
00:17:20,965 --> 00:17:22,649
Okay, he wants
to talk to you.
369
00:17:22,651 --> 00:17:24,401
Well, I don't want
to talk to him.
370
00:17:24,403 --> 00:17:26,469
And I'm pretty
disappointed in you, too.
371
00:17:26,471 --> 00:17:30,073
Although we both
know that won't last.
372
00:17:30,075 --> 00:17:32,742
Sheldon, you're up.
373
00:17:32,744 --> 00:17:33,743
Thank you.
374
00:17:33,745 --> 00:17:36,746
Amy, I'd like to apologize.
375
00:17:36,748 --> 00:17:39,082
Your accomplishment
was impressive.
376
00:17:39,084 --> 00:17:42,252
And I'm proud of you.
377
00:17:45,056 --> 00:17:46,790
We both know that's
your koala face.
378
00:17:46,792 --> 00:17:48,041
I told you.
379
00:17:49,460 --> 00:17:51,628
Okay, look, he
bought you this.
380
00:17:51,630 --> 00:17:54,097
Jewelry?
381
00:17:54,099 --> 00:17:55,498
Seriously?
382
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:57,384
Sheldon, you are
the most shallow,
383
00:17:57,386 --> 00:17:59,269
self-centered person
I have ever met.
384
00:17:59,271 --> 00:18:01,671
Do you really think another
transparently manipul...
385
00:18:01,673 --> 00:18:03,506
Oh, it's a tiara!
386
00:18:03,508 --> 00:18:05,174
A tiara!
I have a tiara!
387
00:18:05,176 --> 00:18:07,677
Put it on me, put it on me,
put it on me, put it on me,
388
00:18:07,679 --> 00:18:10,947
put it on me, put it
on me, put it on me.
389
00:18:13,401 --> 00:18:15,235
You look beautiful.
390
00:18:15,237 --> 00:18:17,320
Of course I do, I'm a princess,
and this is my tiara!
391
00:18:27,214 --> 00:18:29,883
You were right,
the tiara was too much.
392
00:18:35,911 --> 00:18:38,590
MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Howard! Bernadette's...
393
00:18:38,591 --> 00:18:42,426
Oh, she slipped
right by me.
394
00:18:42,428 --> 00:18:43,978
Here's your vest back.
395
00:18:43,980 --> 00:18:45,363
You should keep it.
396
00:18:45,365 --> 00:18:47,231
You could wear it
again sometime.
397
00:18:47,233 --> 00:18:48,482
Where?
398
00:18:48,484 --> 00:18:51,986
I don't know, hunting?
399
00:18:51,988 --> 00:18:53,987
MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Don't forget to talk to
400
00:18:54,012 --> 00:18:55,312
her about this mishegas
401
00:18:55,408 --> 00:18:57,491
where I don't
get grandkids!
402
00:18:59,294 --> 00:19:00,294
Don't worry, Ma.
403
00:19:00,296 --> 00:19:02,380
I will, as soon
as I can figure out a way
404
00:19:02,382 --> 00:19:05,082
to bring up
such a sensitive issue!
405
00:19:08,253 --> 00:19:10,972
I guess you talked
to your mom, huh?
406
00:19:10,974 --> 00:19:12,456
I was upset.
407
00:19:12,458 --> 00:19:14,959
My mom can be a pretty
good shoulder to cry on,
408
00:19:14,961 --> 00:19:18,763
if the smell of Bengay
doesn't burn your eyes.
409
00:19:18,765 --> 00:19:22,650
Look, it's obvious having kids
is really important to you,
410
00:19:22,652 --> 00:19:25,519
and I think I came up
with a solution.
411
00:19:25,521 --> 00:19:27,054
(laughing):
Really?
412
00:19:27,056 --> 00:19:28,573
That's great. What?
413
00:19:28,575 --> 00:19:32,577
Well, seeing as how I make way
more money than you anyway,
414
00:19:32,579 --> 00:19:35,496
what if I work and you
stay home with the kids?
415
00:19:35,498 --> 00:19:37,815
Me?
Yeah.
416
00:19:37,817 --> 00:19:39,750
You know, you'll watch Barney
417
00:19:39,752 --> 00:19:41,586
and pull Cheerios
out of their noses
418
00:19:41,588 --> 00:19:43,153
and go on play dates,
419
00:19:43,155 --> 00:19:44,922
and I'll work and
have conversations
420
00:19:44,924 --> 00:19:48,559
with people my own age
and enjoy my life.
421
00:19:51,263 --> 00:19:52,597
Yeah...
422
00:19:52,599 --> 00:19:55,549
Yay, so we're good.
423
00:19:55,551 --> 00:19:58,886
Yeah, we're good.
424
00:19:58,888 --> 00:20:02,139
You know, I don't know if
this counted as a fight,
425
00:20:02,141 --> 00:20:04,942
but how about
some make-up sex?
426
00:20:04,944 --> 00:20:06,277
I would love that.
427
00:20:06,279 --> 00:20:09,280
But what is that
behind your ear?
428
00:20:09,282 --> 00:20:11,015
Oh, look, it's a condom.
429
00:20:11,017 --> 00:20:15,017
== sync, corrected by elderman ==