1 00:00:02,013 --> 00:00:04,199 N'kay, kids, as your counselor, 2 00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:06,140 I know it can sometimes be difficult 3 00:00:06,141 --> 00:00:10,288 to talk about subjects like drugs and sex and alcohol, m'kay? 4 00:00:10,497 --> 00:00:15,168 So, as you remember, last week I told you to write down any difficult questions you had 5 00:00:15,260 --> 00:00:20,974 and put them in this box anonymously so we could discuss in class, m'kay? 6 00:00:21,141 --> 00:00:24,060 I got a lot o' responses, so let's read some aloud. 7 00:00:25,979 --> 00:00:28,356 "Mr. Mackey is gay." 8 00:00:30,817 --> 00:00:33,027 Ok kids, that is not funny! Unkay?! 9 00:00:33,194 --> 00:00:35,737 This box is supposed to be used for serious questions! 10 00:00:35,738 --> 00:00:39,826 About, about serious issues! M'kay, let's let's stop the tomfoolery! 11 00:00:40,243 --> 00:00:42,041 M'kay, this looks like a real one here. 12 00:00:42,328 --> 00:00:43,746 "Dear Mr. Mackey, 13 00:00:43,963 --> 00:00:45,423 you are gay." 14 00:00:46,619 --> 00:00:48,350 All right, all right. That's enough, kids. 15 00:00:48,351 --> 00:00:50,895 Let's quiet down and try to be mature, 'kay? 16 00:00:50,912 --> 00:00:52,195 Uh here we go. Ok, 17 00:00:52,414 --> 00:00:55,208 "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me, 18 00:00:55,550 --> 00:00:56,900 and you are gay." 19 00:00:58,361 --> 00:01:01,121 Damnit, is there not one serious question in here?! 20 00:01:01,122 --> 00:01:03,516 "Mr. Mackey is gay, Mr. Mackey is gay" 21 00:01:03,725 --> 00:01:04,617 Ok, here. 22 00:01:05,827 --> 00:01:08,121 I am a boy at South Park Elementary. 23 00:01:08,204 --> 00:01:13,543 Sometimes, when I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. 24 00:01:13,660 --> 00:01:15,119 What should I do? 25 00:01:21,835 --> 00:01:24,083 All right kids, all right kids, that's enough! 26 00:01:27,215 --> 00:01:29,216 If you all can't be serious about the question box, 27 00:01:29,217 --> 00:01:32,720 then we'll just do drug identification exercises, unkay?! 28 00:01:34,222 --> 00:01:38,575 M'kay, uhh, Jimmy, why don't you come up here and write down the names of two narcotics? 29 00:01:38,576 --> 00:01:40,327 Uh no, that that's ok, Mr. Mackey. 30 00:01:40,328 --> 00:01:42,101 Jimmy, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! 31 00:01:42,472 --> 00:01:44,990 Uhhh, just uh uh ahh not right this second, Mr. Mackey. 32 00:01:44,991 --> 00:01:46,491 Well why the hell not?! 33 00:01:54,083 --> 00:01:55,105 He's what... 34 00:01:56,127 --> 00:01:57,295 Oh, you do? 35 00:01:57,896 --> 00:01:59,744 R r right now, right now it is? 36 00:02:00,411 --> 00:02:02,746 on'kay, on'kay. Don't worry, Jimmy. 37 00:02:03,989 --> 00:02:06,090 N'kay, uhhh, let's pick someone else. 38 00:02:06,091 --> 00:02:07,676 Eric, why don't you come up here? 39 00:02:07,677 --> 00:02:09,869 Hey, that's bullcrap?! How come Jimmy doesn't have to do it?! 40 00:02:09,870 --> 00:02:12,790 Well, because uh, Jimmy is pitching a tent right now. 41 00:02:13,907 --> 00:02:15,034 He's what?? 42 00:02:21,081 --> 00:02:23,479 A hundred dollar gift certificate to South Park Mall? 43 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,031 Maybe we should do the talent show. 44 00:02:25,032 --> 00:02:27,841 Well, what's the point? Jimmy always wins with his stand-up comedy. 45 00:02:27,842 --> 00:02:29,544 - Hey fellas. - Dude, did you see, Jimmy? 46 00:02:29,545 --> 00:02:31,771 They're giving away a hundred dollar first prize for the talent show. 47 00:02:31,772 --> 00:02:35,049 Oh I sure have. I've been working on my ruh... ruh,,, routine all year long 48 00:02:35,050 --> 00:02:36,417 I don't know how you do it, dude. 49 00:02:36,418 --> 00:02:38,363 How do you get up in front of that many people? 50 00:02:38,364 --> 00:02:40,073 Well fellas, entertainment is my life. 51 00:02:40,074 --> 00:02:42,053 I love being in front of everyone. 52 00:02:44,886 --> 00:02:46,161 What's the matter? 53 00:02:46,162 --> 00:02:48,166 I gotta guh, I gotta go! See ya fellas. 54 00:02:48,782 --> 00:02:49,717 Excuse me! 55 00:02:56,564 --> 00:02:57,673 It's occupied. 56 00:02:58,691 --> 00:03:00,583 No room at the inn, Virgin Mary. 57 00:03:07,534 --> 00:03:08,576 Hehey Jimmy! 58 00:03:14,833 --> 00:03:17,584 M'boy, did you see that first prize for the talent show? 59 00:03:17,585 --> 00:03:20,607 Why you must be excited! You'll probably win like always. 60 00:03:20,747 --> 00:03:22,624 Yeah. Yeah, I'm real excited. 61 00:03:22,707 --> 00:03:24,686 REAL escited... for some reason... 62 00:03:25,043 --> 00:03:27,420 Oh, Jesus! What's wrong with me? 63 00:03:29,088 --> 00:03:32,458 Hey, who's droppin' bombs in there?! How about a courtesy flush?! 64 00:03:32,667 --> 00:03:33,950 Up yours, Butters. 65 00:03:39,132 --> 00:03:40,800 Hey Jimmy, how was school? 66 00:03:40,884 --> 00:03:41,675 Fine, Mom. 67 00:03:41,676 --> 00:03:45,013 Jimmy, we understand you're getting erections in the classroom. 68 00:03:46,122 --> 00:03:47,673 What? Uh who told you that? 69 00:03:47,674 --> 00:03:49,426 Mr. Mackey, your counselor. 70 00:03:49,517 --> 00:03:51,728 Aw J-j-j-j... j-Jesus! 71 00:03:51,761 --> 00:03:54,630 Now, Jimmy, it's nothing to be ashamed of. 72 00:03:54,731 --> 00:03:58,231 But we know it's something you might have a hard time talking about. 73 00:03:58,234 --> 00:04:00,028 Get it? A hard time. 74 00:04:00,737 --> 00:04:05,801 So, we took your counselor'sadvice 'nd called Doctor Pal to help us all talk about this. 75 00:04:06,089 --> 00:04:07,154 Dz-n-Doctor Pal? 76 00:04:07,155 --> 00:04:08,472 Hey Jimmy, I'm Doctor Pal. 77 00:04:08,473 --> 00:04:11,183 That's because I'm a doctor, but I'm also your pal. Are we cool? 78 00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:12,059 Uh, sure? 79 00:04:12,060 --> 00:04:14,678 A lot of times parents call me in because I can relate to younger kids. 80 00:04:14,679 --> 00:04:16,597 I'm I'm down, I'm dope, you dig? 81 00:04:16,739 --> 00:04:19,007 Now, I understand you have some concerns about erections. 82 00:04:19,008 --> 00:04:20,892 Oops, can't say erection in front of the parents right. 83 00:04:20,893 --> 00:04:22,654 Oh God, I feel so weird" huh? 84 00:04:22,970 --> 00:04:24,162 Well, a little, yes. 85 00:04:24,163 --> 00:04:26,180 Jimmy, there's nothing weird about random erections. 86 00:04:26,181 --> 00:04:28,731 Almost every boy goes through a phase where his penis becomes hard... 87 00:04:28,732 --> 00:04:31,386 for no particular reason. It's just part of grwoing up. 88 00:04:31,387 --> 00:04:33,847 Growing up? Growing out is more like it. 89 00:04:34,398 --> 00:04:37,359 But I have to make it stop! The talent show is this F-Friday. 90 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,293 Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why don't you skidaddle for a tick 91 00:04:39,294 --> 00:04:41,273 and let us hipsters talk in privo. 92 00:04:41,513 --> 00:04:43,231 A-all right, come on, honey. 93 00:04:43,991 --> 00:04:46,868 Jimmy, as you get older your body goes through a lot of changes. 94 00:04:46,869 --> 00:04:50,830 Certain hormones start to release as your whole reproductive system begins to awaken, 95 00:04:50,831 --> 00:04:53,853 and so, if you like, we can take off our shirts and kiss. 96 00:04:55,527 --> 00:04:56,779 Ke... c-come again? 97 00:04:56,780 --> 00:04:57,909 Oh, hey, nothin', you see? 98 00:04:57,910 --> 00:05:00,515 See, that set you off on a different tangent, got you thinkin' a different way. 99 00:05:00,516 --> 00:05:02,099 That's what Doctor Pal is here to do. 100 00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:04,852 Unless, of course, you think we should take off our shirts and kiss. 101 00:05:04,853 --> 00:05:07,013 N-no, I do NOT want to take off my shirt and kiss. 102 00:05:07,014 --> 00:05:11,123 Well then to hell with you, kid. You can just deal with your problems on your own. 103 00:05:16,940 --> 00:05:18,288 Next up for the talent show: 104 00:05:18,289 --> 00:05:22,012 put your hands together for the incredibly talented Jimmy Valmer! 105 00:05:25,032 --> 00:05:26,758 Wow, what a what a great audience. 106 00:05:26,759 --> 00:05:28,619 So apparently Martha Stewart is out of jail. 107 00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,613 Have you have you heard about this, have you seen this? 108 00:05:30,614 --> 00:05:32,443 She's very excited to get started on her new show, 109 00:05:32,444 --> 00:05:35,699 "Martha Stewart Living, with an electronic ankle bracelet." 110 00:05:38,243 --> 00:05:41,320 So it looks like the Vatican has finally chosen a new Pope. 111 00:05:41,321 --> 00:05:43,865 Have you seen this, have you heard about this? 112 00:05:46,684 --> 00:05:48,644 A-a-apparently they're going to call him New Pope, 113 00:05:48,645 --> 00:05:51,064 a-and refer to John Paul as P-Pope Classic. 114 00:05:52,983 --> 00:05:55,985 Uh... so it so it looks like Michael Jackson is having back problem in court. 115 00:05:55,986 --> 00:05:59,878 You know... huh... you uh you know what they say about b-b-b-b-back problems. 116 00:06:03,452 --> 00:06:04,936 Uh, uh gee, what a terrific audience. 117 00:06:04,937 --> 00:06:06,568 What a fantastic audience. 118 00:06:06,997 --> 00:06:09,165 Don't worry, Jimmy. We're not laughing with you, 119 00:06:09,166 --> 00:06:10,623 we're laughing AT you. 120 00:06:20,761 --> 00:06:22,804 ♪ Lu Lu Lu, I've got some apples, ♪ 121 00:06:22,846 --> 00:06:24,825 ♪ Lu Lu Lu, you've got some too. ♪ 122 00:06:24,890 --> 00:06:27,020 ♪ Lu Lu Lu, let's get together, ♪ 123 00:06:27,021 --> 00:06:29,198 - # I know what we can do, Lu Lu. # - Butters! 124 00:06:29,199 --> 00:06:30,659 Oh! Oh hey, Jimmy. 125 00:06:31,201 --> 00:06:32,941 I'm just practicin' for the talent show. 126 00:06:32,942 --> 00:06:34,787 Butters, ah I really need to talk to somebody, 127 00:06:34,788 --> 00:06:37,373 and I think maybe you're the only person who won't make f-f-fun of me. 128 00:06:37,374 --> 00:06:40,292 Oh Gosh, I'd never make fun of somebody with a problem. 129 00:06:40,293 --> 00:06:44,054 Butters, do you know what you're supposed to do when your penis gets hard? 130 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:46,892 Well sure I do. 131 00:06:46,933 --> 00:06:47,781 Really?? 132 00:06:47,976 --> 00:06:50,911 Yes, now sit down, Jimmy, we should have a little talk. 133 00:06:51,396 --> 00:06:55,786 You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard, the man puts it into a lady. 134 00:06:55,787 --> 00:06:57,708 Into her "vagiiina." 135 00:06:58,028 --> 00:07:01,656 Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside the lady's tummy, 136 00:07:01,698 --> 00:07:05,075 and after it's all done sneezin' milk. The penis stops bein' hard, 137 00:07:05,076 --> 00:07:07,272 and the man loses interest in the lady. 138 00:07:08,622 --> 00:07:12,830 So, when your penis becomes hard, you're supposed to put in in a lady's vagina. 139 00:07:13,251 --> 00:07:14,702 And then it stops being hard? 140 00:07:14,703 --> 00:07:15,829 That's right, Jimmy. 141 00:07:15,830 --> 00:07:17,747 But where am I going to find a lady to stick my penis in? 142 00:07:17,748 --> 00:07:19,596 The talent show is this Friday. 143 00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:23,959 Talk to you, Bertha. 144 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,591 Ok, see you later, Jessie. 145 00:07:27,021 --> 00:07:28,064 Hey Bertha. 146 00:07:28,356 --> 00:07:30,507 Oh, hey Jimmy. What's goin' on? 147 00:07:30,508 --> 00:07:34,095 Well Bertha, I was wondering if I could stick my penis in your vagina? 148 00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,122 What?? No way! 149 00:07:36,231 --> 00:07:38,123 But the talent show is tomorrow! 150 00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:39,243 Jerk! 151 00:07:39,818 --> 00:07:41,769 Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell are you doing, man? 152 00:07:41,770 --> 00:07:43,312 I'm trying to get laid. What's it look like? 153 00:07:43,313 --> 00:07:44,533 Dude, you don't just go up to a girl 154 00:07:44,534 --> 00:07:46,740 and ask her if you can stick your penis in her vagina. 155 00:07:46,741 --> 00:07:49,369 Ye-you have to ask her on a date, take her out for some Italian food. 156 00:07:49,370 --> 00:07:51,120 Wow, seems like you know a lot about this stuff, Eric. 157 00:07:51,121 --> 00:07:52,329 Have you gotten laid before? 158 00:07:52,330 --> 00:07:53,700 Sure, lots of times. 159 00:07:53,715 --> 00:07:55,757 I've been laid, like, five thousand times. 160 00:07:55,758 --> 00:07:56,925 Well, wha-what do I do? 161 00:07:56,926 --> 00:07:58,710 I told you: a date and then Italian food. 162 00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:00,379 And then you gotta make her thnk you're a good listener. 163 00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:04,199 Eric, I can't tell you why, but it's very important that I score to-night! 164 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:07,203 Can you come on the date and help me? You're like a white... Hitch. 165 00:08:07,204 --> 00:08:09,421 Why sure, they do this all the time in movies and TV shows. 166 00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:11,307 You go on the date and wear an earpiece, 167 00:08:11,308 --> 00:08:14,442 and I'll be nearby, secretly telling you all the right things to say. 168 00:08:14,443 --> 00:08:15,903 Wow! Thanks, Eric. 169 00:08:18,664 --> 00:08:21,500 Shawna honey, I think your little date is here. 170 00:08:21,758 --> 00:08:23,010 Ok, Mom. 171 00:08:25,020 --> 00:08:25,999 Hey Shawna. 172 00:08:26,513 --> 00:08:27,431 Hi Jimmy. 173 00:08:27,681 --> 00:08:30,074 Ok Jimmy. First off, tell her how good she looks. 174 00:08:30,075 --> 00:08:31,967 Wow, Shawna, you look fantastic. 175 00:08:32,044 --> 00:08:34,023 Thanks, Jimmy. Where are we going? 176 00:08:34,196 --> 00:08:37,653 We're going to an authentic Italian restaurant, Buca de Fagghecini. 177 00:08:41,203 --> 00:08:45,189 Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the authentico experience Italiano. 178 00:08:45,190 --> 00:08:46,650 My name is Roma. 179 00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:49,485 Can I start you out with some lotsa pasta macaroni minis? 180 00:08:49,486 --> 00:08:52,572 Uh, I think we're gonna try your authentic pizzareli casserona poppers. 181 00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:53,552 Right away. 182 00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:56,659 You know that girl Sally Rauman at our school? 183 00:08:56,660 --> 00:08:58,120 I can't stand her. 184 00:08:58,245 --> 00:08:59,311 Jimmy! Jimmy! 185 00:08:59,413 --> 00:09:02,517 Jimmy, even though what she's saying now isn't interesting at all, you say: 186 00:09:02,518 --> 00:09:05,366 "Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more." 187 00:09:05,486 --> 00:09:07,812 Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more. 188 00:09:07,813 --> 00:09:08,763 Really? 189 00:09:08,764 --> 00:09:11,791 Well, Kelligan bought the same purse and I was like, "No WAY do I want it now!" 190 00:09:11,792 --> 00:09:14,262 because who wants a purse that both their best friends have, right? And so- 191 00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:15,847 All right, when she stops yappin' again, 192 00:09:15,848 --> 00:09:19,025 say: "Wow, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right." 193 00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:21,511 I guess that's why I figured, "Who needs friends like that?" 194 00:09:21,512 --> 00:09:24,055 Wow, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right. 195 00:09:24,056 --> 00:09:25,265 It's like I told Debbie: 196 00:09:25,266 --> 00:09:26,599 "If you're gonna go out with my friends-" 197 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,435 All right Jimmy, when she finally shuts her trap again, 198 00:09:28,436 --> 00:09:30,103 I want you to repeat whatever she said, 199 00:09:30,104 --> 00:09:32,691 and then follow it with: "Wow, how insightful." 200 00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:35,525 "And so if you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend." 201 00:09:35,526 --> 00:09:38,987 "if you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend." Wow, how insightful. 202 00:09:38,988 --> 00:09:41,657 You know, Jimmy, you are a great listener. 203 00:09:41,839 --> 00:09:42,540 Really? 204 00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:46,211 Yeah. I mean, no other boys really communicate like you do. 205 00:09:46,212 --> 00:09:47,746 Oh, I'm so glad you think so, Shawna, 206 00:09:47,747 --> 00:09:50,240 because I really wanna stick my penis in your vagina. 207 00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:51,959 Yes, nice, Jimmy, very nice. 208 00:09:52,668 --> 00:09:54,462 What??? I'm not doing that! 209 00:09:54,587 --> 00:09:56,713 But the talent show is tomorrow night! 210 00:09:56,714 --> 00:09:57,475 Creep! 211 00:10:05,356 --> 00:10:10,194 Welcome students and parents to the annual South Park Elementary Talent Show! 212 00:10:12,552 --> 00:10:15,178 We have a lot of little talneted performers to get through, 213 00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:18,245 so the quicker you shut up, the quicker this will be over! 214 00:10:20,293 --> 00:10:23,630 Ok, first up we have Billy Turner, from the third grade, 215 00:10:23,771 --> 00:10:26,607 who will be doing an alto sax solo. 216 00:10:48,204 --> 00:10:50,290 Jimmy? Jimmy Valmer? 217 00:10:50,540 --> 00:10:54,043 Oh... Hi, Officer B-b-barbrady. 218 00:10:54,085 --> 00:10:57,505 Jimmy, what are you doing here? The talent show is inside. 219 00:10:57,664 --> 00:11:00,026 I'm... not gonna perform in the talent show. 220 00:11:01,251 --> 00:11:02,502 Not perform? 221 00:11:02,669 --> 00:11:06,422 But Jimmy, you love talent shows. Everyone in town knows that. 222 00:11:06,481 --> 00:11:09,286 I just c-can't risk getting up in front of everyone. 223 00:11:10,016 --> 00:11:10,975 Why? 224 00:11:11,309 --> 00:11:13,902 All right! I I keep getting an erection for no reason! Ok! 225 00:11:13,903 --> 00:11:16,680 But I can't get any of the girls here to let me... do it to them. 226 00:11:16,681 --> 00:11:20,018 Well of course not, Jimmy. Little girls don't wanna have sex. 227 00:11:20,159 --> 00:11:22,277 Then why does God make it so that my penis gets hard 228 00:11:22,278 --> 00:11:24,822 if girls don't wanna have it in their vaginas? 229 00:11:24,981 --> 00:11:26,356 It's like a cruel joke. 230 00:11:26,357 --> 00:11:29,344 Well, Jimmy, the girls here are young and pure. 231 00:11:29,345 --> 00:11:32,655 They're not like the ladies down at Colfax Point. 232 00:11:33,197 --> 00:11:34,782 Colfax Point? 233 00:11:34,949 --> 00:11:37,869 Well yeah, those women will have sex with anybody. 234 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:38,836 Really? 235 00:11:38,895 --> 00:11:41,872 M-maybe I can catch the bus... and get down there before the talent show ends. 236 00:11:41,873 --> 00:11:43,457 Th-thanks, Officer Barbrady! 237 00:11:43,458 --> 00:11:45,001 You're welcome, Jim. 238 00:11:48,246 --> 00:11:49,051 Wait... 239 00:11:49,806 --> 00:11:51,724 Colfax Point... 240 00:11:51,874 --> 00:11:55,461 Pimps and hos and tricks in rows 241 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:59,883 Women walk the street with corns on their feets 242 00:12:00,216 --> 00:12:03,887 Broken dreams and no ice creams 243 00:12:04,137 --> 00:12:05,638 You lookin' for a date? 244 00:12:06,572 --> 00:12:08,157 Hello? Hello? 245 00:12:08,449 --> 00:12:11,602 I need to put my... p-penis in a woman's vagina. Any takers? 246 00:12:11,644 --> 00:12:13,195 Excuse me, ma'am. What's your name? 247 00:12:13,196 --> 00:12:14,813 They call me Nut Gobbler. 248 00:12:14,814 --> 00:12:16,967 Well, Nut Gobbler, I need to get laid. 249 00:12:19,335 --> 00:12:23,605 I have a raging hard-on that just won't quit, and the talent show has already started. 250 00:12:23,606 --> 00:12:24,566 You a cop? 251 00:12:25,008 --> 00:12:26,833 No. Actually, I'm a stand-up comic. 252 00:12:26,834 --> 00:12:27,943 You got money? 253 00:12:28,094 --> 00:12:28,942 Sure do. 254 00:12:29,078 --> 00:12:31,039 All right, you got a place to go? 255 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,041 Sure. I know the p-perfect place. 256 00:12:34,142 --> 00:12:37,645 Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the authentic experienso Italiano. 257 00:12:37,687 --> 00:12:40,940 My name is Roma, and Oh, it's so nice to see you again, Mr. Valmer. 258 00:12:40,941 --> 00:12:43,842 Hey, can it, jackass! I just don't want them to know I was here with a different girl. 259 00:12:43,843 --> 00:12:45,344 Oh right, pardone, segnore. 260 00:12:45,345 --> 00:12:48,132 I'll come back with some garlic bread mediterraneane. 261 00:12:48,765 --> 00:12:50,474 What are we doin' anyway? 262 00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:52,914 This is authentic Italian food straight from S-Sicily. 263 00:12:52,915 --> 00:12:54,707 You should try the Lotsa Mozzarella Pizza Roll. 264 00:12:54,708 --> 00:12:58,254 I can't eat too much, I'lve got an infected urinary tract. 265 00:12:58,295 --> 00:13:00,129 I've been pissin' blood for a week. 266 00:13:00,130 --> 00:13:03,239 Oh, uh, wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more. 267 00:13:04,977 --> 00:13:06,594 Well, that's it, I just pissed blood! 268 00:13:06,595 --> 00:13:09,015 So I have to stick a tampon up my peehole. 269 00:13:10,555 --> 00:13:13,201 Wow. You know, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right. 270 00:13:13,202 --> 00:13:15,612 If you're pissing blood, you can shuve a tampon up your peehole. 271 00:13:15,613 --> 00:13:17,430 You are very insightful. Please tell me more. 272 00:13:17,431 --> 00:13:19,975 Look, kid, what are you doin'?! You wanna get laid or not? 273 00:13:19,976 --> 00:13:21,088 Well of couse I wanna get laid. 274 00:13:21,089 --> 00:13:22,409 That's why I'm taking you to this fancy place 275 00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:24,073 and pretending to be interested in what you have to say. 276 00:13:24,074 --> 00:13:25,241 Kid, I'm a hooker. 277 00:13:25,242 --> 00:13:27,981 You don't have to take me to dinner OR be nice to me. 278 00:13:27,982 --> 00:13:29,484 What? Fo, for real? 279 00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:32,155 You paid me, so you get to do me. It's that simple. 280 00:13:32,156 --> 00:13:34,488 Well jumpin' Jesus, what are we wasting our time here for then? 281 00:13:34,489 --> 00:13:37,391 The talent show is happening right now! Let's get to r-r-rammin'! 282 00:13:37,392 --> 00:13:39,343 What are you doin', ho?! Havin' dinner?! 283 00:13:39,344 --> 00:13:40,844 You're supposed to be workin' for me! 284 00:13:40,845 --> 00:13:43,364 It's where the trick wanted to go, you bastard! 285 00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:46,617 Trick?! I ain't stupid! Ain't no trick gonna take you out to dinner! 286 00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:49,078 This PIMP is tryin' to steal you away from me! 287 00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:50,455 This is MY ho! 288 00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:51,931 I beg to differ with you, sir. 289 00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:54,308 I paid for her and took her out to dinner. She's my ho! 290 00:13:54,309 --> 00:13:55,519 Uh Jesus. 291 00:13:55,610 --> 00:13:57,069 You got a problem, bitch?! 292 00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,879 Yes, I do have a problem, as a matter of fact! 293 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,474 I've spent all my money on this ho, and she's now my only shot at getting laid, 294 00:14:01,475 --> 00:14:03,503 and the talent show is only a couple of hours from being over. 295 00:14:03,504 --> 00:14:05,265 You're comin' home right now! 296 00:14:05,615 --> 00:14:07,549 Let go of my hair, you son of a bitch! 297 00:14:07,550 --> 00:14:08,859 Sir, sir, that is my ho! 298 00:14:08,860 --> 00:14:10,577 I'm gonna kick your ass, ho! 299 00:14:10,578 --> 00:14:11,829 Sir, sir! 300 00:14:26,844 --> 00:14:28,304 Son of a... b-bitch! 301 00:14:29,222 --> 00:14:30,056 Taxi! 302 00:14:31,724 --> 00:14:33,393 Follow that pimp and ho! 303 00:14:36,771 --> 00:14:38,105 Where are you taking me?! 304 00:14:38,106 --> 00:14:39,431 I'm gonna kill you, ho! 305 00:14:39,432 --> 00:14:41,684 No! Please! Q Money! I'm sorry! 306 00:14:41,726 --> 00:14:43,270 You're already dead, ho! 307 00:14:44,654 --> 00:14:48,941 Sir! I paid for that lady, and by taking her, you are no better than a common th-thief! 308 00:14:48,942 --> 00:14:50,095 Fuck you, punk! 309 00:14:55,581 --> 00:14:57,542 Nut Gobbler, grab onto my crutch! 310 00:15:01,487 --> 00:15:03,364 Get your ass back in here, ho! 311 00:15:04,282 --> 00:15:05,782 I got you, Nut Gobbler! 312 00:15:10,496 --> 00:15:12,248 ♪ No no nono no, ♪ 313 00:15:12,832 --> 00:15:15,168 ♪ I'm not gonna be in the talent show. ♪ 314 00:15:15,260 --> 00:15:17,428 ♪ Oh no no no no no. ♪ 315 00:15:17,595 --> 00:15:20,098 ♪ I'll never be in your faggy talent show. ♪ 316 00:15:22,333 --> 00:15:26,254 Ok, that was the Goth kids with "Talent Shows Are For Fags" 317 00:15:26,863 --> 00:15:28,572 That was killer. We showed them. 318 00:15:28,573 --> 00:15:29,949 Yeah, I hope we win. 319 00:15:33,411 --> 00:15:34,433 Come on, ho! 320 00:15:39,083 --> 00:15:40,084 Look out! 321 00:15:56,125 --> 00:15:58,670 Stay on him! I'm not giving up! 322 00:16:05,307 --> 00:16:08,269 Ok, very nice, Clark and Laura. Very nice. 323 00:16:08,561 --> 00:16:12,565 Our next act is Butters, who will be singing a song 324 00:16:13,332 --> 00:16:14,528 There's our boy. 325 00:16:19,213 --> 00:16:21,090 ♪ Lu lu lu, I've got some... ♪ 326 00:16:22,216 --> 00:16:23,637 ♪ some... uh, ♪ 327 00:16:24,134 --> 00:16:25,886 ♪ some uh... some, ♪ 328 00:16:28,764 --> 00:16:29,598 Oh no! 329 00:16:31,008 --> 00:16:32,843 No no noho noo! 330 00:16:33,527 --> 00:16:36,363 Ok, thank you Butters, very nice, short and sweet. 331 00:16:39,191 --> 00:16:41,402 Goddamn, this pimp just won't give up! 332 00:16:42,111 --> 00:16:43,351 Get close to him! 333 00:16:49,910 --> 00:16:51,367 How much do I owe you? 334 00:16:52,246 --> 00:16:54,206 6 dollars and 24 cents. 335 00:16:55,916 --> 00:16:57,492 C-can I just get 2 back, please? 336 00:16:57,493 --> 00:16:59,037 Oh, thank you very much. 337 00:16:59,874 --> 00:17:01,204 There you go. Have a good 'n. 338 00:17:01,205 --> 00:17:02,140 Thank you. 339 00:17:11,507 --> 00:17:13,442 You're gonna pay for this, bitch! 340 00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:15,344 No! Heelllp!! 341 00:17:20,858 --> 00:17:22,967 Don't worry, Nut Gobbler! I'm coming! 342 00:17:26,196 --> 00:17:27,489 Oh Jesus, not now. 343 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,958 Oh boy, this is embarassing. 344 00:17:30,776 --> 00:17:33,070 And now we have Eric Cartman, 345 00:17:33,112 --> 00:17:36,949 who will be doing select readings from the movie, Scarface. 346 00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:42,870 D'you know what you are? 347 00:17:42,871 --> 00:17:45,214 You're all a bunch of fucking cock roaches! 348 00:17:45,215 --> 00:17:46,759 You need people like me! 349 00:17:47,009 --> 00:17:49,719 You need people like me so you can point your fucking finger 350 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,304 and say "That's the bad guy!" 351 00:17:51,305 --> 00:17:53,327 Well say goodnight to the bad guy!! 352 00:17:53,682 --> 00:17:55,267 That's my little boy. 353 00:17:56,477 --> 00:17:58,294 Please, Q Money! Don't do this! 354 00:17:58,295 --> 00:18:00,317 I told you never to turn on me, ho! 355 00:18:00,773 --> 00:18:02,691 Hey, j-j-jackass! 356 00:18:04,401 --> 00:18:06,527 I'm sorry I resorted to calling you jackass just now, 357 00:18:06,528 --> 00:18:07,947 but I'm very upset! 358 00:18:07,988 --> 00:18:11,774 And what are you gonna do, huh?! I've got four feet on you AND a gun! 359 00:18:11,775 --> 00:18:12,842 What do you have?! 360 00:18:12,843 --> 00:18:13,943 What do I have? 361 00:18:13,944 --> 00:18:15,358 The weapon of comedy. 362 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,956 So apparently the Chinese and the Japanese aren't getting along lately. 363 00:18:17,957 --> 00:18:20,124 Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? 364 00:18:20,125 --> 00:18:20,792 What?! 365 00:18:20,793 --> 00:18:25,163 I'll tell you one thing: their food hasn't been getting along with my stomach for years. 366 00:18:25,965 --> 00:18:27,292 That's pretty good. 367 00:18:27,341 --> 00:18:30,178 Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? 368 00:18:31,553 --> 00:18:33,304 Oh yeah. That's right, she is. 369 00:18:33,305 --> 00:18:36,184 She's apparently gotten real good with baking cakes with keys in them. 370 00:18:38,811 --> 00:18:40,812 Serves you right, you son of a bitch! 371 00:18:40,813 --> 00:18:42,438 Nice teamwork, Nut Gobbler. 372 00:18:42,439 --> 00:18:44,858 I can't believe you chased me all this way. 373 00:18:45,859 --> 00:18:47,569 You, you really care about me. 374 00:18:47,570 --> 00:18:49,612 Not really. You're just a hooker, and I need to get laid. 375 00:18:49,613 --> 00:18:51,114 The talent show could be over any minute. 376 00:18:51,115 --> 00:18:52,746 That's good enough for me. 377 00:18:53,325 --> 00:18:54,827 Take me to bed. 378 00:19:52,384 --> 00:19:54,928 Ok, very nice, Ike, thank you. 379 00:19:55,763 --> 00:19:59,141 All right, children, it looks like we have no more contestants, 380 00:19:59,183 --> 00:20:01,518 which means, the Talent Show is over! 381 00:20:03,395 --> 00:20:04,596 Mr. Mackey, it's over. 382 00:20:04,597 --> 00:20:05,973 Oh oh oh, right. 383 00:20:06,418 --> 00:20:10,964 Now we will tally up the judges' scores and find out which act they hated the least. 384 00:20:11,006 --> 00:20:12,591 Hold everything! 385 00:20:23,685 --> 00:20:26,437 Mrs. Garrison, if you don't mind, I'll be taking that microphone.. 386 00:20:26,438 --> 00:20:30,192 Ok, let's put our hands together for Jimmy Valmer. 387 00:20:33,153 --> 00:20:34,612 Wow, what a terrific audience. 388 00:20:34,613 --> 00:20:36,964 So apparently it's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad. 389 00:20:36,965 --> 00:20:38,240 Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? 390 00:20:38,241 --> 00:20:41,870 Just as B-Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell. 391 00:20:41,954 --> 00:20:44,933 The only thing that didn't fall was... the price of gas. 392 00:20:46,016 --> 00:20:48,109 I just read in the paper that China's protesting Japan. 393 00:20:48,110 --> 00:20:49,671 Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? 394 00:20:49,672 --> 00:20:51,912 Yeah, I guess in China you don't get to- 395 00:20:54,660 --> 00:20:56,334 You've gotta be kidding me.