OK.
Here's the thing about my family.
We don't go to a lot of outing together.
But when we do,
There's a little tradition we always
end up observing.
When you say "lifetime ban",
I mean,
Whose lifetime are you talking about?
Mom,
I haven't even touch the ground.
Don't you ever ask me
for anything ever again!
I should have just give you both a chips!
Then at least I know to expect
this kind of behavior.
Ouch!
Believe it or not,
I actually envy Dewey.
He got to stay home and
play with the babysitter!
And then the ambulance came,
but there was this balloon.
And then I was chasing it.
And then I didn't know where I was.
And then I chase a bag.
And then I really didn't know where I was.
Then I saw you,
and I thought maybe you could help me.
Because you've helped that other girl,
the one in the movie.
So if you could just
come to life and help me,
I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks anyway.
Produced and synced by: kongma
It's 95 degrees outside,
but it's 110 in here.
We have to run the heater,
so the radiator doesn't boil over.
Hal,
The darn silver Toyota's been
taligating for the last 3 miles.
Just pull over let them pass.
Oh, flashing the bright,
just gotta be like that, huh?
Good lord, Hal,
He could have a gun!
Just let him pass.
All right, silver Toyota,
you win this round.
Go ahead!
Get there 2 seconds sooner!
God, there is just an accident
waiting to happen.
A...B...C...D...
It's a good thing I found you.
It's not very safe for little boy
like you to be all by yourself.
A...B...C...D...
Oh don't you worry
I'm gonna get you back home
to your parents.
They must be worried sick.
A...B...C...D...
It's "E" there.
A B C D E
E
I know.
A...B...C...D...
Sugar corn quacks.
How can something so simple be so delicious?
That stuff's nasty, Francis.
To the unsophisticated palate, yes.
But to me, the candy quack is
nature's perfect food.
I think I can eat a hundred of them.
No way.
All that marshmallow would
expand in your stomach.
You wouldn't get pass 50.
OK, that's where you're wrong, Joe.
See the marshmallow wouldn't expand.
It would dissolve.
I'd never get full.
In fact, I don't think
Will you just shut up!
I have sat back and said nothing.
While you've gone on and on
about how you can eat a hundred of this
and lift a hundred of that.
The quacks would expand.
You're an idiot if you think different.
OK, let me tell you something.
If I say I can eat a hundred quacks,
you can take that as a bona fide guarantee.
and there's no need to resort to personal attacks
Because I'd hate to raise
the whole issue of you wearing
boxers
in the shower.
That was so cool.
Did you see that truck jack knife and flip over
and that wheel fly through the air?
An explosion would've been nice,
but you can't have everything.
Yeah, Reese, this is great.
Now we're stuck here for hours.
With no food and no air-conditioning.
I guess it could be worse.
I could be the guy in the silver Toyota.
Why can't you just open one lane?
Lady, we have to wait for the crane
to get here before we can even
think of opening this road to traffic.
Yeah, but if you just moved a couple of
those police cars there'd be enough
room to just pass on the shoulder.
I mean this is just plain stupid.
Ma'am, don't call a police officer stupid.
What, that's a law now?
Look, my freshman year I ate
seven pounds of grapes in one sitting.
I think I know what my body is capable of.
We're not talking about grapes, Francis.
We're talking about pure sucrose.
The human body simply cannot
absorb the sugar in 100 quacks.
Yeah.
Hey, in extreme cases the human
pancreas has been known to increase
its insulin production by up to 60%.
Yeah.
Listen, your pancreas can produce enough
insulin to fill a swimming pool
that doesn't mean squat!
if your adrenal gland can't distribute it
into your bloodstream fast enough!
Yeah.
Gentlemen, gentlemen!
This argument is pointless.
One.
Look at them.
They're just standing around.
500 Cars full of people who actually
have someplace to go and they're just
standing there talking.
What is there to discuss!
Hey!
Let me clear something up for you!
This is a car wreck!
You're a road crew.
Do your job!
Are you even listening to me?
That could have been me.
Yeah, well, hal,
it could've been all of us.
Nope.
That car was sliced right through the driver's seat.
You and the boys would've
walked away without a scratch.
This totally sucks!
It's like an oven out here.
What is the point of wandering
aimlessly through traffic!
Because you can find cool stuff like this.
Smells like gasoline.
Reese, can't we just go back to the car?
My feet are killing me.
Ice-cream man!
Go away!
There is no ice cream in the truck!
He's lying!
There's tons of ice cream in there!
The ice cream in the truck is not for sale.
It is against the law for me to sell
ice cream in the middle of traffic.
This is just wrong!
You could make money and please children.
This is a senseless act!
You are evil.
Pure evil!
If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly
You son of a...
Look, there's nothing you can do.
Yes, there is!
I can...I can...
And the Nobel Prize goes to...
Hey, you're talking about my brother.
Good one.
I'm jessica, gray volvo.
Malcolm; crappy minivan.
Do you want to go check out the crash site?
Sure.
You know, my dad practically caused it.
Wow.
What time is it now?
It's still 4:00.
You have to wait at least a minute
for the time to change, dear.
What time is it in china?
Well, sweetie, I think they're a good 20...
Do you speak Chinese?
Well, no...
Is chinatown in china?
Honey, if you want an answer to a question
- you have to first wait... - What does this toe do?
You know what?
I need to buy a pack of cigarettes--
for the first time in 20 years.
Grape juice, please.
Hello.
Think about it, Lois.
I stopped to tie my shoe in the parking lot.
If I hadn't done that we would've been
on the road 20 seconds sooner.
I would've been 200 yards ahead of where I was.
And then I would've been the silver Toyota.
And if you hadn't rented "body heat"
we never would have had dewey.
It's all an intricate tapestry, Hal.
Ma'am?
Yes.
Did you ask your supervisor?
Yes, and this phone is for emergency
roadside assistance only, ma'am.
I can't connect you to a private line.
Look, I have got to get through to my babysit...
Look, just let me talk to the supervisor.
One moment, ma'am.
Hello. This is the supervisor.
No, it isn't.
You're just disguising your voice.
No, I'm not. I'm really the supervisor.
You can't do this!
Ma'am, I'm about to be replaced by a machine.
I can do whatever I damn well please.
Hey, where do you think you're going, young lady?
It's OK, my dad's an investigator for the D.I.T.
Oh, there he is.
Hi daddy!
OK.
Whoa. your dad's a crash investigator?
Here's a little secret, Malcolm.
Whenever you want something, everybody's your dad.
Hi, daddy!
OK, she's cute, she's smart,
and she even lies to cops.
I may be in over my head here.
46!
47!
48!
And when you're constantly moving from town
to town it's really hard to make friends.
So, yeah, I acted out, I guess.
What could I do in my situation?
All right, I got to let you off here.
OK.
61!
62!
63!
62!
61!
62!
63!
Malcolm, you have got to check out this view.
Ow!
I hate pricker bushes.
What fruit are they trying to protect anyway?
Do you see anything on here worth protecting?
What are we doing up here?
Just enjoying the sights.
And check out that crazy lady.
So tell me about this gifted class.
It's horrible.
I'm surrounded by Krelboynes.
I have to do twice as much homework
as anyone else in my grade.
I have to take all these college prep class...
Oh, what a nightmare.
If you're not careful you might get a
full scholarship to Harvard.
You don't understand.
Malcolm,
you've been bellyaching nonstop
for an hour and a half.
Seriously, all you do is bitch.
I happen to bitch the perfect amount
for someone in my situation.
Today is the perfect example.
Look at this mess.
What's good about this?
Well,
if it weren't for this,
we never would have met.
How could I not see that coming?
This girl's incredible.
And I keep rolling it around in my head--
how much time do I have left?
What have I done with my life?
I mean, what is my contribution?
You go home at night knowing that you
have helped to make the world a better place
by forging that thin blue line,
and that is real, man.
If I could just once feel that
sense of accomplishment...
Do you know how special you are?
Do you?
Z...
Y...
X...
W...
OK, let me get this straight.
We have been waiting all afternoon for a crane.
And now,
the crane is here.
That's right.
And the man who works the crane,
he's here too!
That's right.
Then why is nothing happening!
Look, we can't touch anything,
until the investigators sign off on the accident report.
But they must have been done hours ago.
Where are they?
That's a whole another department.
It's really not my job to know.
Start...
the...
crane.
You can't tell me what to do.
Hey, not so fast, Charlie!
Ah! let go of me!
What do you think you're doing, huh?
Nothing. I'm just going for a walk.
What the helling is going on?
This kid was trying to break into your truck.
Let go of me!
I just want some damn ice cream.
You don't deserve ice cream.
Yeah, well, you don't deserve to be
an ice cream man!
Ow!
Come here, you punk! You little punk!
That will teach you to mess with me!
I was a surgeon in my country!
Ha!
Looks like the human body
can only accept 96 quacks.
Check and mate.
Come on Francis, just four more.
You can do it.
Can...
quacks...
dying?
Hey, no one said he had to eat all the quacks.
They just have to be inside his body, right?
You did it, 100 quacks!
Yeah!
You got hard.
Hey, way to go, Francis!
Man, that was way cooler than the time
Davis did a thousand sit-ups.
Impossible.
I mean, Davis is in pretty good shape
but a thousand sit-ups?
You're just begging for a double hernia.
And it's that kind of
small-minded thinking that keeps you
from recognizing true greatness.
- What are you talking about? - You're always arguing about something, man.
Pleasure doing business with you, Kyle.
Nice moves out there, Erin.
And here's your share, Mr. Wells.
That man left us no choice.
Try the green one!
Come on out of there, ma'am.
You order them to move this thing!
Let's just get you out of the crane
and then we'll have a little talk.
Don't you dare patronize me.
OK, you don't want to be patronized?
I'll be blunt.
You're a control freak.
I see them all the time.
But guess what?
This is a traffic jam.
It is out of your control.
- Yeah, but I... - You can't boss it around.
You can't yell at it and expect it to listen.
- I have been... - It will end when it ends.
You just have to live with it.
There's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
Who's damn dog is this?
I said who's damn dog is this?
It's trapped inside.
All the windows are rolled up. It's--
it's like 90 degrees out here!
OK.
OK!
It is nobody's damn dog?
Then I guess nobody's going to
to mind if I just do this.
Oh.
Don't be scared, little doggy.
Oh no everything's gonna be...
Oh, poor thing.
OK, I got it.
I was hoping I could deliver a baby
in a taxi cab or something, well...
a life is a life.
Oh now, look at you, huh?
How did you get like this?
There you go, pal.
I'm impressed.
You actually have a working first-aid kit.
We used to, but my brother ate all the band-aids.
I think you'll live.
You know, I was thinking,
maybe sometime we can do something.
If you...
You're from Canada?
We're here on vacation.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because then you would have spent
the whole day grousing.
I knew this was too good to be true.
I mean, why should I
get to meet someone who's smart,
funny, not a Krelboyne not a member of my family?
But we did meet, Malcolm,
and it was awesome. You know,
it's OK to enjoy something
even if it's just for a little while.
Come on, we had fun.
No, we didn't.
You just said we did.
That was before I knew this was
all a big waste of time.
- Malcolm! Reese! move!
I got to go.
Just pull out, Hal.
I am waiting my turn.
Malcolm!
Here's my phone number. Call me!
That...
was so...
much...
fun!
Who would have thought
a traffic jam would be so cool?
We should totally do this again.
When are we going on another road trip?
Oh, how about next week?
See ya, kid.
Bye, Santa.
Hi, mom.
Dewey, where's the baby-sitter?
She went away.
You got rid of another baby-sitter?
What is wrong with you kids?
Then I drove off with potato chip man.
Then I picked apples.
Then we all went to jail.
Then I played the...