1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,837 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,174 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,928 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:14,472 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:18,392 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:21,604 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,024 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,155 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:34,076 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 11 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,581 Ah, boy, do I love the Fall Festival. 12 00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,416 Especially how everywhere you turn 13 00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:44,126 is the smell of pumpkin spice. 14 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,628 Pumpkin spice. 15 00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:49,007 Sounds like a reject from a female British pop band. 16 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,801 Quit tossing your scarf over your shoulder 17 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:52,969 to punctuate your jokes. 18 00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:55,388 You know what, Peter? I like me. 19 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,973 Look, "Guess Your Weight." 20 00:00:56,974 --> 00:01:01,562 With a line that long, I'll guess my own wait: 30 minutes. 21 00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:04,105 Oop, see you in a few. 22 00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:05,524 Got scarfed up. 23 00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:14,323 No. No, no, no. 24 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,117 I don't... I don't throw in public. 25 00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:17,994 Ugh, and I only fetch. 26 00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:19,829 All right, I'll see if I can get my money back. 27 00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:20,831 Excuse me? 28 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:32,592 Oh, cool. I like your tattoo. 29 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:35,261 Oh, that? Yeah, that's the Hormone Monstress. 30 00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,346 She likes sex and I like sex, so I figured 31 00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:40,099 I'd permanently disfigure myself with something 32 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,351 I'd seen on Netflix three times. 33 00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:43,853 You like sex, huh? 34 00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:46,897 You, uh, wouldn't maybe want to grab dinner sometime? 35 00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:49,442 Nah, but I'll bang you in the port a-potty 36 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,569 back by the very loud generators. 37 00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:54,155 The one that smells like all different pees mixed together? 38 00:01:54,156 --> 00:01:55,698 Um, hell yes. 39 00:01:55,699 --> 00:01:56,907 See ya, Stewie. 40 00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:57,908 Wait, you're just going to 41 00:01:57,909 --> 00:01:59,035 leave me here by myself? 42 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:00,786 Look at all these ne'er-do-wells. 43 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:03,624 When's that guy gonna do well? Ne'er. 44 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,588 Hello, carnival-goers, and welcome to "Generation Gap," 45 00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:12,882 where we learn which of these parents and kids 46 00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:14,133 know each other best. 47 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,302 How'd you get Dad to agree to be in this? 48 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:19,055 I rescued him from the corn maze, so he owes me. 49 00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,056 Oh. 50 00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:21,682 Yeah, he was crying. 51 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,059 Okay, first question: 52 00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:25,603 Parents, what does your child want to be 53 00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:27,688 when they grow up? 54 00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:30,066 How did you answer, Team Number One? 55 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,734 Lady NASA scientist. 56 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:34,403 Okay, weird, and what did you say, Dad? 57 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,072 Hidden Figures gal? 58 00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:37,073 Judges? 59 00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:38,157 A match. 60 00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:40,493 Team Number Two? 61 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,411 You both said, "Retire after 62 00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:44,413 large personal injury settlement." 63 00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:45,498 Bravo. 64 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,375 Team Three? 65 00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:50,711 Guy who holds the "Slow" sign during road construction. 66 00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:52,338 And, Dad, you said...? 67 00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,090 Leprechaun. 68 00:02:56,093 --> 00:02:58,010 Ooh, our first wrong answer. 69 00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,053 Fat Leprechaun? 70 00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:00,221 Also incorrect. 71 00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:01,430 You may not understand the game. 72 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:02,598 Next question: 73 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:06,852 Kids, what would your parent say is their hobby? 74 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:07,937 Team Number One? 75 00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:10,606 Refurbishing people's garage door openers. 76 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:11,607 That's a match. 77 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:13,109 It's one button. 78 00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:15,320 You just got to fix one button. 79 00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:21,784 Okay, final question. 80 00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:25,663 Team Three, who is your child's favorite singer? 81 00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:27,289 The Price is Right yodeler. 82 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,697 What? No. I said Adele. 83 00:03:29,698 --> 00:03:30,710 Judges? 84 00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:35,965 Ugh, this is more humiliating 85 00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:39,260 than my first day working at that rice pilaf company. 86 00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:42,805 You know, I think we can start putting pilaf in other things. 87 00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:45,516 Lois, can I see you in my office for a second? 88 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:49,980 I told you not to rock the boat over there. 89 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,609 Oh, there you are, little dude. 90 00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:58,070 Ah, finally back from the carnival, I see. 91 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,613 Ah, it was amazing. 92 00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:01,991 I got to tell you all about Amber, amigo. 93 00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:04,326 "Little dude"? "Amigo"? 94 00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:06,829 Brian, have you... have you forgotten my name? 95 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,914 I don't know, I-I spent the whole afternoon 96 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,666 drinking ethanol out of a ladle. 97 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,085 - It's "Stewie." - Stewie, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 98 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,505 Anyway, Amber is, like, the perfect girl for me. 99 00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:17,840 How old is she, even? 100 00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:19,175 Well, she's so weathered 101 00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:20,885 that that's a hard number to peg. 102 00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:23,220 Either 27 or 61. 103 00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:25,723 But the thing is, Stewie, she's leaving town 104 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:28,058 with the carnival in three days, Stewie, 105 00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:32,438 so it's sex-sex-sex and then "adios," Stewie. 106 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,857 By the way, and, like, relax about this, 107 00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:38,236 but is abortion still legal in Rhode Island? 108 00:04:41,656 --> 00:04:44,158 Peter, it was humiliating having the whole town witness 109 00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:47,286 you and Chris not knowing the first thing about each other. 110 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,829 I know the first thing about him. 111 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:51,957 It was his goopy head squishing out of you like toothpaste. 112 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,794 Peter, it's important a boy knows his father. 113 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,171 Now go up to Chris' room and talk to him. 114 00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:03,260 Hey, Chris, can I talk to you for a second? 115 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,722 - Next door over, Chief. - Roger that. 116 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,808 Yeah, Pop? What's up? 117 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:09,893 Oh, I'm so sorry. 118 00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:12,311 - Chris? - Yes? 119 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,563 Phew. 120 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,867 Is there something you want, Dad? 121 00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:28,953 I don't know. Your mom sent me up here. 122 00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:31,497 We-we embarrassed her in front of the town or something. 123 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,749 Ugh, that is so Mom, 124 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:36,377 always getting mad about stuff that doesn't even matter. 125 00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:37,920 Oh, my God, tell me about it. 126 00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:39,922 I can't tell you how tired I am of hearing, 127 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:43,217 "Peter, don't use my hair dryer to dry your anus." 128 00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:45,010 Yeah, or 129 00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:48,430 "Chris, stop freezing bees until they fall asleep 130 00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:50,558 and gluing little leashes on them." 131 00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,142 Totally. 132 00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:54,436 God, I can't believe you notice this stuff, too. 133 00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:57,731 Oh, you mean like how if a pair of her underpants goes missing 134 00:05:57,732 --> 00:06:00,025 she can't just let it go and move on? 135 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,235 Exactly. 136 00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:06,699 Well, sounds like bonding to me. 137 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:10,203 Looks like somebody worked some pretty good mom magic. 138 00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:13,707 Huh? Where the hell are all my underpants? 139 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,297 Okay, place your bets. 140 00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,549 Stewie's shoe: burn or melt? 141 00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,676 I'm gonna say a little bit of melt, 142 00:06:25,677 --> 00:06:28,346 and then a lot of very quick burn. 143 00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:35,352 Wow, would not have expected rainbow sparks. 144 00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:37,354 Lot of chemicals near my baby's foot. 145 00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:39,899 Well, look at you two getting along. 146 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,567 Now I wonder who made that happ... 147 00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,819 Oh, my God, are you lighting fires in the house? 148 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,280 Huh. Just what we guessed you'd say. 149 00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:47,907 Yeah, it was either gonna be that or, 150 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,576 "I'm Lois. When I don't hit my step goals, 151 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,913 I spin my arm around to trick my Fitbit." 152 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,499 Wh-What is that? Is that supposed to be me? 153 00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:00,169 Oh, I don't know. Maybe you'll recognize this one. 154 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:03,464 "I'm Mom. I cry on the toilet 155 00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:06,884 as I circle things in catalogs I'll never afford." 156 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:12,599 Ah, damn it. Look what you guys did. 157 00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:19,438 All right, men, looks like Mom's got this one under control. 158 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,484 Now back to the station for spaghetti and a group shower. 159 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,702 Oh, hey, Stewie, perfect timing. 160 00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:36,038 - Amber, come meet Stewie. - Pass. 161 00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:38,624 Ooh, he's so cute. 162 00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:41,377 I just got to kidnap him, don't I? 163 00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,712 Would you like that? I stuff you in a duffel bag, 164 00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:46,048 zip it up, we're in Indiana before you know it? 165 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:47,091 Charmed. 166 00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:49,677 Isn't she awesome? You want to come inside, babe? 167 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,637 Nah, I'm just gonna park it here for a few hours 168 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:55,558 and watch Fuller House on my stepson's cracked iPad. 169 00:07:56,935 --> 00:08:00,396 I'm telling you, Stewie, this thing is all next-level sex. 170 00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:03,774 The rugs in her van are just filled with crushed Froot Loops. 171 00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:06,735 So, while we're doing it, I can lean over and lick the crumbs. 172 00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:08,487 I'm familiar with the temptations 173 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,115 of crushed Froot Loops, thank you. 174 00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:13,283 Brian, you should know the Next door app 175 00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:14,785 is on fire right now. 176 00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:17,663 "Have you seen the van?" "What's with the van?" 177 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,665 "Here's a photo of the van." 178 00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:22,459 "I checked with the police and we can't get rid of the van 179 00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,420 unless we witness criminal activity." 180 00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,171 And then just some nervous comments 181 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,842 about the Black Amazon driver, but you get the gist. 182 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,597 Hurry up, gang, the movie starts soon. 183 00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:36,932 What are we seeing, Mom? 184 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,143 Oh, something I've been waiting forever for: 185 00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:42,104 Penelope's Struggle starring Renée Zellweger. 186 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,689 The dramatic, true story 187 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,442 of the first female carriage driver for the Queen. 188 00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,027 That movie sounds terrible. 189 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:50,237 And, besides, Chris and I had our hearts set on seeing 190 00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:53,115 the re-release of You Don't Mess with the Zohan, 191 00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,617 now remastered to be 40% louder. 192 00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:59,079 Oh, but, Peter, you know I always choose 193 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,498 the movie for family movie night. 194 00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,208 It's tradition. 195 00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:08,464 Yeah, but just now I'm realizing Chris and me are two guys. 196 00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,132 And you're only one guy. 197 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,842 So, technically, we can outvote you. 198 00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:13,969 I'm sorry. Out-outvote me? 199 00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:15,345 But... but what about Meg? 200 00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:16,972 I-I mean, she obviously gets a vo... 201 00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:19,141 All in on Zohan, bro. 202 00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:21,143 My armpit is smelly 203 00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:24,480 and now you smell like my smelly armpit. 204 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:26,482 The whispers in this movie 205 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,902 would be yells in other movies. 206 00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,575 Ugh, these are basically steps, 207 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,410 it's the same thing as steps. 208 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,245 You can put all that away, Lois. 209 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,748 Me and Chris just bought dinner at the grocery store. 210 00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:45,667 The-the grocery store? W-Without me? 211 00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,836 Okay, so everybody gets four puddings 212 00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:49,755 and their own package of bologna. 213 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:52,007 But I spent all day making lasagne. 214 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:53,759 Yeah, no, our thing is more fun. 215 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:54,843 Shall we take a vote? 216 00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:56,386 All in favor say "aye." 217 00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:57,429 - Aye. - Aye. 218 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,472 The "ayes" have it. 219 00:09:58,473 --> 00:09:59,890 Sorry, Lois, democracy. 220 00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:02,142 Oh, and we're dragging the TV into the dining room. 221 00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,269 What? You know that's not allowed. 222 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:05,395 Vote? All in favor say "aye." 223 00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,563 - Aye. - Aye. 224 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,109 "Ayes" have it, sorry. Kids, dinner. 225 00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:14,905 Dad, can we watch The White Lotus? 226 00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:16,907 Why not? I poop in a suitcase, 227 00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:18,617 I'm wrestled to the ground at LaGuardia. 228 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,787 That guy does it: gold statue. 229 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,375 Oh, boy. 230 00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,459 What? What is it? 231 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:28,627 Text from Amber: 232 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,712 "We should talk about where this is going." 233 00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,756 Man, what if she wants to get married? 234 00:10:32,757 --> 00:10:35,634 Ugh, looks like I have to break things off with her. 235 00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:42,474 Hey, Amber. Listen, I got your text... 236 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,560 Brian, this here ain't working out. 237 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,145 We need to break up. 238 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,730 What? You're breaking up with me? 239 00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:52,025 Whoa. Dumped by a carny. Brutal. 240 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,902 Yeah, I've been thinking. 241 00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:55,779 We don't really have much in common. 242 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:58,615 I mean, you don't know a single Kid Rock lyric 243 00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:01,285 or the names of any monster trucks. 244 00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:04,288 Monst... I... Grave Maker, that's one. 245 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:08,125 Ah! Grave Digger! You're embarrassing yourself! 246 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,085 Come on, what's this really about? 247 00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:11,837 Is this because I couldn't smash that Percocet 248 00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:13,381 into powder fast enough? 249 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,760 Goodbye, Brian. 250 00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:24,516 Wow, buddy, I just want you to know that I'm... 251 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:25,726 She's stealing our mail. 252 00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:27,312 She's stealing our mail! 253 00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:32,065 Thanks for meeting me, guys. 254 00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:33,692 I should warn you: this is gonna be 255 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,820 a two-hands-on-the-coffee-cup conversation. 256 00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:39,990 All right. Time to get some work done. 257 00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:41,033 Don't mind me. 258 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,951 This is screenwriting software. 259 00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:44,620 You've probably never seen it before. 260 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,121 You guys, I don't know what to do. 261 00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:48,707 I-I told Peter to bond with Chris, and he did, 262 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,834 but now, well, it's like they've stolen 263 00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:52,461 all the power in the family. 264 00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:53,503 Oh, no, no, no. 265 00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,923 For a mother to remain in control of her family, 266 00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:58,383 she needs to make sure there are no alliances 267 00:11:58,384 --> 00:11:59,843 she's not a part of. 268 00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:01,428 If a scene is in the sea, 269 00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:04,056 would you put "interior" or "exterior"? 270 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,098 Ah, never mind. 271 00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,350 No alliances, huh? 272 00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:08,227 What's a funny name for a boat? 273 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,228 Well, then, that's it. 274 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,730 I have to drive a wedge between Peter and Chris. 275 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,398 Push them back apart. 276 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:18,070 Okay, now to loudly watch this Aaron Sorkin Master Class. 277 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,739 Hi, I'm Aaron Sorkin and I've been paid a lot of money 278 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,784 to give you false hope about your ridiculous dream. 279 00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:25,577 Oh, thanks, you guys. 280 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,079 I got this. 281 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,372 What the hell? 282 00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:29,958 My credit card is gone. 283 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,253 "Dear Lois, 284 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:37,589 Chris and I borrowed your credit card to shop for fireworks 285 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,550 you would normally have to be a town to buy." 286 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,224 Ow! Ow! Ow! 287 00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:49,143 Gather all the fingers! Ow! 288 00:12:56,234 --> 00:13:00,946 All right, time to put an end to this Peter-Chris alliance. 289 00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:04,157 Hey, FYI, I accidentally got in the shower with my socks on. 290 00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,617 I wasn't sure what to do, 291 00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,911 so I just mashed them down the drain with my elbow. 292 00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:09,955 Peter, we need to talk. 293 00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:12,499 I just found the oddest thing in Chris' room. 294 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,793 It's this essay he apparently wrote for school 295 00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,671 about his hero: Joe Swanson. 296 00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:19,131 Joe Swanson? 297 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,174 Let me see that. 298 00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:24,136 Okay, th-this is actually quite long, can you just summarize it? 299 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,513 Chris says, "Mr. Swanson's skewed take 300 00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:30,183 "on contemporary politics is painfully astute 301 00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,977 and refreshingly twisted." 302 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:33,312 That son of a bitch. 303 00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,188 I've been like a father to that kid. 304 00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:36,606 I know, right? 305 00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:39,152 I mean, who does Chris think he is? 306 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,321 The last three pages is all about 307 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:45,032 how you're aging as well as Jennifer Lopez. 308 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,909 Well, that's our son. 309 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,911 Oh, hey, Chris. 310 00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,830 You know, I just found the oddest thing 311 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,123 in your father's room: 312 00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:56,335 an essay he wrote for work about his favorite son, 313 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,503 Charles from Charles in Charge. 314 00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:01,673 What? But Charles wasn't even one of the sons. 315 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,467 He was their babysitter. 316 00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:05,218 I'm so sorry. 317 00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:07,346 I know it must be hard to hear that your father 318 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,348 would rather be a parent to a fictional character 319 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:12,642 who the writers, in five seasons, never even bothered 320 00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:13,894 to give a last name... 321 00:14:13,895 --> 00:14:16,688 A totally weird but true fact, feel free to Google that... 322 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:17,939 Than his own son. 323 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:20,401 I hate him so much. 324 00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:25,030 Wait, Dad dots all his I's with a smiley face? 325 00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,865 Yeah, that means he's got flair. 326 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,617 Maybe those faces brighten his otherwise 327 00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,786 bleak day just a tiny bit. 328 00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:32,120 Maybe he's known for them. 329 00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,998 I don't know, it seems stupid and weird. 330 00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:36,458 You're stupid and weird! 331 00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,210 Now I see why your father prefers 332 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,505 Charles Last Name Unknown. 333 00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:47,594 Hello, uh, my name is Stewie, 334 00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:50,013 and I'm a milk-aholic. 335 00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:51,890 Okay, I figured out what I got to do: 336 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,892 I need to get back together with Amber. 337 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,228 What? But I thought you were just about to break up with her. 338 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:59,398 Brian, are you sure this isn't just your wounded ego talking? 339 00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:00,816 Pfft, no. What? 340 00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,692 No, I-I can really see us together. 341 00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:05,529 There's something romantic about her style of life on the road. 342 00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:07,572 Oh, really? What's the romantic part? 343 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,866 Taking a whore bath in a Taco Bell restroom 344 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:13,203 or peeing in a Gatorade bottle that you leave near a payphone? 345 00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:14,704 You don't know what you're talking about. 346 00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:15,789 Don't I? 347 00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:17,999 Because I think that you can't stand 348 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,918 that you got dumped by a carny, 349 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,087 someone you feel is inferior to you. 350 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,214 Fine, you're right, okay? I'm pissed. 351 00:15:24,215 --> 00:15:27,384 That's why I'm off to win Amber back so I can dump her. 352 00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:30,095 Look, man, I don't know if Lois and the fat man told you, 353 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,180 but they found a lump on your neck. 354 00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,809 Is this really what you want to spend your time on? 355 00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:40,105 What the hell? 356 00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:42,899 I thought you said we were both gonna get Mark Davis haircuts. 357 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,902 - Who's that? - This maniac. 358 00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:48,947 I don't know what you're talking about. 359 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,991 I'm talking about the voice mail you left me. 360 00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,869 Which now I see was all just a trick to humiliate me. 361 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:56,997 - I didn't leave you a voice mail. - Oh, no? 362 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,915 Uh, hey, Dad. 363 00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,750 It's your son, Chris. 364 00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:03,044 Hot Pockets and Fortnite. 365 00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:06,173 Son of a bitch, I guess I did call you. 366 00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:08,383 Hey, know what could be fun? 367 00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:12,220 If we both got bowl haircuts like... Oh, hang on. 368 00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:13,763 Estrogen smoothie, please. 369 00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:15,932 Sorry, I'm busy tricking my husband. 370 00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:17,184 Wait a minute. 371 00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:19,895 I would never trick my husband. 372 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:22,898 Dad, I think Mom may have left that message. 373 00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:24,483 But why? 374 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:27,444 You think she's, like, trying to get us mad at each other? 375 00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:30,655 Well, it would certainly explain the voice mail I got. 376 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,073 Hey, Chris, Principal Shepherd here. 377 00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:35,577 So, listen, the nurse is going to press charges 378 00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:37,329 for you touching her breast. 379 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:40,582 I offered her the money like you said, but, well, 380 00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,042 that seemed to make it worse. 381 00:16:42,043 --> 00:16:44,127 So, we either got to come up on that number 382 00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,046 or find a different plan, 383 00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:50,550 but methinks a lawyer is in our future. Hmph. 384 00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:52,469 Anyway, call me back, 385 00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:57,015 but remember the rule on these: delete, delete, delete. 386 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,850 Message saved. 387 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:01,395 What kind of game is Mom playing? 388 00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:15,951 ♪ Last night I took a walk after dark ♪ 389 00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:18,745 ♪ A swingin' place called Palisades Park ♪ 390 00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:22,249 ♪ To have some fun and see what I could see ♪ 391 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,251 ♪ That's where the girls are. ♪ 392 00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:26,795 Brian? What are you doing? 393 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,630 Amber, please take me back. 394 00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,632 Look, I even brought you a peace offering: 395 00:17:30,633 --> 00:17:32,801 a pack of cigarettes and some Nicorette gum 396 00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:35,095 because I wasn't sure which way you wanted to go this week. 397 00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:36,972 Aw, that's sweet. 398 00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:40,433 I'm-a smoke and chew them both for an extra nicotine surge. 399 00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:42,561 It's what carnies call "The Surf and Turf." 400 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,062 Well, that doesn't make much sense, 401 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,605 but it sure is two things. 402 00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:48,400 Amber, we have something special. 403 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,360 I want us to grow mold together. 404 00:17:50,361 --> 00:17:52,404 Aw, me, too. 405 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,531 And I'd love to take you back, Brian, 406 00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:55,865 but if we're a couple, that means 407 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,159 you'd have to be willing to come on the road 408 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,453 and work the carnival with me. 409 00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:02,706 I mean, that's my life. 410 00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:05,375 - Of course. I'm totally up for that. - Really? 411 00:18:05,376 --> 00:18:07,669 Aw, that's boss! 412 00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,045 Let's do it! 413 00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:10,839 Okay, great, so you do take me back? 414 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:13,049 Well, then, as long as we're officially a couple again, 415 00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:14,467 I have something to say. 416 00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:16,511 Amber, if you think for one second... 417 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:20,974 Oh, my gosh, Uncle Earl, you got to meet my new boyfriend Brian. 418 00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:22,642 Good to meet you, Brian. 419 00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:24,811 But don't you break her heart, you hear? 420 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:26,521 Last guy who treated her wrong 421 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,523 had his scrotum nail-clippered off, 422 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:31,318 then got kicked to death behind a Chick-fil-A. 423 00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:34,404 I assure you, my intentions are strictly honorable. 424 00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:35,572 Okay, then. 425 00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:39,243 I'm just telling you this as her uncle and her ex-boyfriend. 426 00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:47,000 Check it out, Chris. 427 00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:49,294 Your mom tries to turn us against each other? 428 00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,588 Well, this ought to teach her a thing or two. 429 00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:54,341 Your plan is to drop a piano on Mom? 430 00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:55,383 No, not at all. 431 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:57,302 See, your mother loves this piano, 432 00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:59,304 and by stringing it up in the air like this, 433 00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,264 she'll never be able to touch it again. 434 00:19:01,265 --> 00:19:02,557 That's genius. 435 00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:05,560 My plan was just to suggest something to you halfheartedly 436 00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,729 and then immediately back down like a beta. 437 00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,230 I think we should go with my plan. 438 00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,107 No, yeah, your-your plan is better. 439 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,526 Oh, hey, you two. What's all this? 440 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:14,861 Don't play dumb, Mom. 441 00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,072 Chris and I see you're trying to push us apart. 442 00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,282 Yeah, we're your husband and your son 443 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:21,618 and we were actually getting to know each other, 444 00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:25,915 but it seems like some part of you wanted that to fail. 445 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:29,042 Oh, you guys, I am so sorry. 446 00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:30,585 You're right. 447 00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:33,004 I guess, at first, I felt bad you were making fun of me, 448 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:35,507 and then later I resented that you'd removed me entirely 449 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:38,093 from any family decision-making. 450 00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:40,095 But what I did was awful. 451 00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:42,682 I genuinely hope you can forgive me. 452 00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:50,063 Honestly, Lois, I'm not certain I will be able to excuse this. 453 00:19:50,064 --> 00:19:53,566 But I pray that, with time, healing may come. 454 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:57,195 What? You do something crazy basically once a week 455 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,780 and I always forgive you. 456 00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:01,826 Fine. Get a Mark Davis haircut and we'll call it even. 457 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:04,911 I hate you for this, Peter. 458 00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:05,912 I know. 459 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:09,333 Now let's go upstairs and have idiot sex. 460 00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,422 Well, these last few days... 461 00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:17,549 Ahh! Son of a bitch! 462 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,342 Dad never took the piano down. 463 00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:21,803 I think it just fell on Brian. 464 00:20:21,804 --> 00:20:24,472 He has had a bad week. 465 00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:27,308 Anyway, like I was saying, 466 00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:29,477 these last few days have been quite an adventure, 467 00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:32,188 but I'm just happy that everything is back to normal. 468 00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:34,816 Yes. And now I must away to the sea, 469 00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:37,278 and hunt down the orca that killed my Pappy. 470 00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:39,529 Be careful, my love, 471 00:20:39,530 --> 00:20:43,032 for no one truly knows the secrets of the inky deep. 472 00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,201 Fare thee well, my love. 473 00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:51,040 ♪ I'm sailing away... ♪ 474 00:20:51,041 --> 00:20:55,003 As "Come Sail Away" by Styx begins to play, 475 00:20:55,004 --> 00:20:56,921 Peter heads off to the harbor, 476 00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,965 and we fade out. 477 00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:00,967 Thank you, Mr. Sorkin. 478 00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:11,019 ♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪ 479 00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:14,355 ♪ Come sail away with me, lads ♪ 480 00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:17,400 ♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪ 481 00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:20,820 ♪ Come sail away with me ♪ 482 00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:24,324 ♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪ 483 00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:27,660 ♪ Come sail away with me, babe ♪ 484 00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:29,120 ♪ Come sail away ♪ 485 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,998 ♪ Come sail away, come... ♪