Sync and corrections: minouhse www.addic7ed.com
- They loved her. - She is a sex symbol, the epitomy of beauty.
Farrah is an angel.
She has that fresh girl next door quality about her.
Then suddenly she got ill.
There were nine tumors in my liver.
Stage 4 cancer.
Are we here on time?
It's very late.
Farrah Fawcett cancer.
I said what? She had a treatment
and her hair was falling out, falling out,
and I'm sticking it in my pockets and hiding it.
And she wasn't as upset as I thought she was going to be.
Hair or no hair. She's Farrah.
The great thing is I never heard her complain once.
Cancer is a disease that is mysterious, and makes its own rules.
At on point she looks up at me and said
why aren't you filming this?
I said honey, I don't want to do that.
She said no, no. This is what cancer is.
The last couple of years, I love her more than I ever have loved her
just by how she deals with this harsh story.
I don't know what lies ahead, but I do not want to die.
The thing about Farrah is she's a fighter.
The will, the desire to live.
I will never compromise.
It's seriously time for a miracle.
September 22nd, 2006.
Such a shockingly sad day.
Two words I never ever thought possible that I would hear.
Malignant tumor. Anal.
I always believed positivity is a necessity.
So through the pain and suffering and intense radiation
and chemotherapy, I looked ahead to the future.
To the day when I would be able to return to my life.
Sculpting, the painting,
the playing sports and dancing.
To being a mother and a daughter
and I would be able to start baking again
and having fun with my friends.
Whether we went out or stayed in,
whether we relived old memories or made new ones.
I think I was even ready to start acting again.
Not to mention doing all the things I missed doing.
It was time to get back to my life as it was before.
My doctor saw it the same way.
May 14th, 2007.
It had been a little over three months since I was declared cancer-free.
And if I was still cancer-free today,
today would be the first day of the rest of my life.
My doctors asked me to get my test results in person.
That is never a good sign.
That was when I heard it. The fourth word I never thought I would hear.
Recurrence.
She took the camera with her to the meeting at UCLA
Thinking she wanted to document it. It was a very complicated
meeting with explanations, medical explanations and she
wanted to document it for herself.
This tumor is the size of a peanut,
but it looks like, it has come back.
I thought it couldn't. It was squamous...
You are right.
The concern is that you can't be 100% confident despite the fact that squamous.
Squamous that doesn't mean it can't come back.
Cancer can always come back.
We can't take out that part.
The radiation injured your tissues, so it won't heal
properly if we do surgery in that area.
- Where is my head? - Your head is up here.
Sorry.
The news was not good at all.
It had returned. She was very confused about what to do.
Same day that's when the doctor about 9:30,
I was going to look at the tape to see what they said.
That's why I tape it, I guess.
Oh, man.
I'm confused.
Look at that sweet boy's face.
And there the beautiful roses
that my daddy sent me for mother's day.
Sweet daddy.
What I don't want is for him to have to go through this again with his daughter.
Oh, gosh. I don't know what to do.
When one's ill, one wants privacy in fighting the battle.
That is what she wanted. Originally, she wasn't going to tell anybody.
Tonight, Farrah Fawcett's cancer fight.
The startling news that her cancer may have returned.
Before they got the chance to tell her own family the the frightening news,
a tabloid found out and plastered it all over its pages.
It takes away her choice to tell who she wants to tell
and takes away
her ability to focus on the most important thing in her life which is the cancer.
I always felt that the National Enquirer was as invasive as cancer.
Then I realized it runs as close second.
The main difference between them is the tabloids
will try to destroy your live with lies in front of the world.
This disease is much more.
This disease choosing instead
to destroy life by hiding the
microscopic truth about its intent out of sight.
First in one organ and then another.
That's why the true story of cancer cannot be read by human eyes.
It would take X-rays and radioactive isotopes
injected into my blood stream to see that the disease had spread.
Suddenly there were nine tumors in my liver.
It metastasized to her liver, stage four cancer.
This was really serious.
Cancer is a disease that is mysterious
head strong, and makes its own rules.
And mine to this date is incurable.
I know that everyone will die eventually, but I do not
want to die of this disease.
I want to stay alive.
So I say to God because it is
after all in his hands,
it is seriously time for a miracle.
She played out the first chapter.
She went through the treatment, etcetera and it failed.
That rocked her belief system
which is in part why she sought other therapies.
Farrah, it's Alana.
I spoke to her from Germany, and she was in tears.
I'm here at the clinic and they feel they can help you here.
If it was me, I would be on the next plane to Germany.
After the cancer came back, she met with the doctors at UCLA
and they described the kind of surgery normally done which is a colostomy.
She didn't like that.
She sought alternatives that she believed were less drastic.
There was nothing but failure in L.A.
nothing but discouragement and she said let's go.
I'm going with her because she asked me to.
We are running out of options.
I'm scared. That's all.
That's not a comfortable feeling, for me. I'm not a person that gets scared.
Farrah taught me how to live.
I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen.
I don't know what lies ahead in Germany,
but as I reflect on past decisions...
I try to remind myself that I'm the girl who always believed in change.
Never picking the obvious path, but the 1 that was clear footsteps by others.
A path that was a little bit risky, definitely scary,
but sure to be full of challenges, rewards and change.
For better or worse.
I hope and pray that these changes will help me
to become better and stay alive.
She went to Germany for some initial treatment,
not for complimentary or alternative therapy or stem cells
or the other things written about.
She is talking to the doctors about viable treatment options
for her tumor that included surgery and chemotherapy and all of that.
The first time she and Ryan, and I met with doctor Jacob,
she handed me the camera and said film it.
What is against this kind of tumor?
I'm filming this first meeting with them
and that's how I started filming and every time we would go to a procedure
or surgery or doctor's meeting, I started filming everything.
When I met Farrah, she was in really good shape.
This is what I see from a lot of patients coming to me
after or some who don't want to stand up and say they want individual treatment.
Yes.
The doctor was the doctor who was head of the clinic and is she is an amazing doctor.
She has an incredibly caring nature.
She is full of life and Farrah just connected with her immediately.
Farrah and Ryan both did.
What happens is your case is the tumor changed.
We have damaged organs and immune system and
we have tumor cells not only the blood, but the organs.
We have to speak about it, yeah?
The prognosis,
when you have liver metastasis, you will find the very best survival rate.
Are we here in time?
It's very bad.
With a normal chemo therapy, you can not get rid of all the tumors.
They said: We can never say you will be cancer-free.
I thought you said I could.
You can't.
I won't lie.
We always tell you the truth if it is a good or a bad thing.
It will be a hard time for you,
but you should know that there is a chance for you.
There is hope for you.
I was in heaven. Yes.
We will be okay. This is going to work.
After that meeting, that initial meeting, Farrah felt very hopeful too.
We all did and all felt very hopeful.
Among the team of doctors that would be taking care of Farrah
at the German clinic is surgeon Dr. Keeling.
The doctor is going to remove the tumor without doing a colostomy.
Of all the things I ever hoped for in my life,
finding a doctor to remove my anal cancer
did not even make the top one million on my list.
But now it was number one.
Number one as in primary cancer,
meaning it was the first in and needed to be the first out.
It was this pea nut sized tumor
that sent its army of mutant cells into my liver
and would continued to send reinforcements
to any organ into my body
unless someone did something to stop it.
That someone turned out to be a mad scientist
by the name of Dr. Clause Keeling.
He didn't seem as mad as he did, well, happy.
Still, I put my life into the hands
of this happy mad scientist who
would attempt to do what UCLA said couldn't be done.
Remove my primary tumor by operating on tissue
that had been damaged beyond the ability to heal.
All by the radiation they prescribed to cure me.
I think this type of operation is a little bit difficult to learn.
I feel like Alice in wonderland, really.
Everything is surreal.
The doctor removed the primary tumor and took biopsies
of the surrounding area to make sure there were no remaining tumor cells.
He came in with the news that
the biopsy was negative and the area were free and clear with no cancer cells.
We were all ecstatic.
You can see that this active tumor is degenerated.
It is necrosis. It's starting to die. This is good.
Nothing on the outside of the region.
It's free. The area is free.
Artistic surgery.
I can tell you.
I am so happy.
I love this.
Another love story.
She going to cry.
It is really so great.
The liver, we don't know.
I expect that the liver will be much better.
With the therapy.
A special chemo that you designed.
This makes it for the weekend.
The doctor's approach is to use chemo sensitivity testing to
try select drugs that she believes will work specifically
on Farrah's tumors and the liver.
She is focused on trying to build her immune system.
We were on such a high.
The operation to remove the tumor had gone really well
and the mood got even better when family and friends started arriving.
Hi, Redmond.
What made Farrah happy was when her son got there.
With Redmond and Ryan by her side,
she was feeling really good about how things were going.
I have CML, chronic myeloid leukemia.
For a little while I was the ill one
and she was sensitive to me and warmer than toast.
But then suddenly she got ill.
My cancer was small potatoes by comparison.
A German horse. Look.
I love her more than I ever have loved her by how she deals
with this horror story.
They had a very long
unconventional relationship in
many ways and occasionally volatile, but he makes her laugh
and you know, he walks into the room and her face lights up.
It's sweet to watch.
We are going to get off the plane and go to the university.
And he is going to do
to do a nuking on my...
Hello.
- You are kidding me. - The paparazzi and the press.
- Who are you with? - It was upsetting to her.
When you are healing from cancer, you need a calm atmosphere.
How did you know she was here? Who told you?
I can't say.
It is the liver.
I could never eat liver again.
Because Farrah's cancer spread into her liver,
they were going to give her a combination of profusion and embolization.
Profusion is when you administer drugs to the region
of the liver that contains the tumor,
bathing the tumor cells in chemotherapy.
Embolization is when you administer a particle that blocks the blood supply
to the tumor, starving it of nutrients and hoping it will die.
It is very hard on the body.
I wish it was just been over.
You are going to be okay, honey. I know it.
I was in there filming. He let me come in to film.
The most painful part is putting these needles in the area.
The needles were always painful.
I don't know how she did it, but she did it.
Is that all the pain there?
She was so brave. She was amazingly brave.
We went to this strange country where a strange German doctor
is doing things with her and she is going along with it as brave and
courageous as can be.
I was amazed at her.
Farrah is very smart and she knows what is going on.
She is one of the women and patients I met
who is very, very strong.
She is very positive thinking.
She has her times when she not
in a good mood or when she is desparated
but she is a positive person and she is a fighter.
My liver.
Sometimes after the profusion treatments,
she had rough nights with the side effects.
She got so sick afterwards. I mean so sick.
She started throwing up.
I wasn't going to film it at first because I felt it was too
invasive and she looks up at me
and through this projectile vomiting
and said why aren't you filming this?
I said but honey, I don't want to do that.
She said no, no. This is what cancer is.
From that moment on, the camera was never turned off.
She understood what Farrah wanted.
The camera was always, always there.
I need the heat.
It was the worst night of my whole life.
Maybe I'm the reason for that but we have to kill these terrorists.
A terrorist.
You know a terrorist. It's very aggressive.
- A terrorist. - Yeah.
The best expression for her form of cancer is a terrorist.
Because you can't control a terrorist and he can be free for five years
of cancer, but a terrorist is always in the back.
I tell the patient be prepared because the terrorist can come any time.
- Is it still there? - He was fighting.
Hopefully it's dead.
We will see in the check up.
- We will keep in touch. - Back here in next June.
- Yeah? - Thank you.
Nice to meet you.
He calls this disease a terrorist.
So unpredictable, filled with hate
and powerful enough to destroy all that is good and healthy.
Cancer is my own private war.
This drain, the nausea and the fever take turns challenging
my strength, my mind, and my spirit.
A life without barriers.
I know I didn't appreciate that freedom, that life.
It's like Dr. Jacob says,
I must let go of my disease and hold on
to each and every moment of my life.
Because it is after all mine.
I want to live it.
So with hope and determination,
I hold on and go on.
Flying on a wing and a prayer.
For many of us is the some point, the word cancer will take on a new meaning.
A friend or a relative can develop the disease
or perhaps even some of us will have to face it ourselves.
It's ironic that here's this
young, beautiful, innocent girl
at the beginning of her stardom
and she is doing a PSA for for cancer.
It's terribly ironic
that she would end up battling cancer.
Whoever would thought it?
I was foreign on February 2nd,
1947 in corpus Christi, Texas.
If my daddy had his way,
my name would have been Toby Joe.
He wanted a boy and was doing his best to raise me as one.
My mother on the other hand was determined for me to be a girl.
My childhood was filled with both baseball and ballet.
For me, the best of both worlds.
Farrah was a real cotton headed kid when she was young
and always full of vitality.
I went to the university of Texas, where even though I majored in art,
I was always ending up as the subject for my fellow classmates.
That's when the publicist from Hollywood saw my picture in the newspaper
and decided to call me.
He seems to think I might be able to work in commercials.
I watched her in that and I enjoyed seeing her on TV.
I enjoyed watching her grow
as she did better all the time.
Once upon a time there were three little girls
who went to the police academy.
She did Charlie's angels with
the other two girls. Jaclyn Smith and Kate Jackson.
- Good morning, angels. - Good morning, Charlie.
On the first season of Charlie's angels,
her hair needed its own line.
It was a costar. It was magic.
It was an angel. I don't think Farrah realized
the impact she had on America.
Yes, I did have that poster.
They all want to meet Farrah Fawcett Majors.
Who is the doll with the head of golden hair, Farrah.
Farrah, light and shiny
Farrah Fawcett shampoo.
A certain icon last forever,
like Elizabeth Taylor or Marilyn Monroe or Farrah Fawcett.
When this happened,
and the bond was back and stronger than ever
and the determination to be there and be of help.
I know being that I experienced it Kate experienced it,
I know that random moment when you hear the word cancer that the world stops.
There was a disbelief and think
Farrah with her strength and
courage thought okay, this is cancer,
but okay, I will take care of this one and put this one behind me.
She was so positive. From day one.
Always has been and hasn't wavered.
Except of course she would not be human
if she hasn't been frightened a time or two.
She has never given up. Never.
Everybody knows what Farrah's smile looks like
and her laughter is the sound of that smile.
Kate Jackson and Jaclyn Smith,
they have been beautiful in this.
They are constantly cooking things
and planning things and they sit around her.
They were for real, these three girls.
Happy birthday.
Her Texas dad is amazing.
What a doll.
He will come in and cook up all these things for Farrah to eat.
And the potatoes.
Just loving and charming and bigger than life.
You see why Farrah is the way she is.
I need those droppings for the gravy.
The gravy is good.
My heart goes to him because
two daughters with cancer, unfair. Not right.
Diane was like Farrah in a lot of ways.
She was very generous also.
She would give and
we are the only two left in the family.
Children are supposed to bury the parents.
When we grew up, that's the way it was.
I told you I talked to him and said
excuse me, hello, God.
I know that you are busy.
I'm Farrah Fawcett and I wonder
if I can have some of your time
to talk to you and what did you say?
He knows who you are and sometimes he's kind of busy and
don't have time to throw back the answers.
- When do you think he is going it do that? - I don't know.
He gets tired of listening to me. Shuts me off every once in a while.
But I really and truly think
and hope my prayers are answered.
And every night I talk to the good man
and ask Him just for her
and ask him maybe
he'll touch her and say, well,
I'm going to leave you here and
let you stay a while and there she will be.
Farrah?
Let me tell you.
I really and truly appreciate
you coming to see your poor old daddy.
One more treatment will
probably be the end to some of the problems and she will refrain
her health and be back on the good side of life.
Treatment number one was very successful.
The primary tumor was now gone.
We came back very happy.
Enjoy yourself back there, honey.
Our lives became simple and ordinary.
She stopped any kind of acting.
Just to get her strength.
After she had the treatment in Germany, we were continuing to give her chemotherapy.
And we did scans and saw that some of the tumors were regressing.
She just had that area exam inned.
This is an interesting time in the journey because she has
a team there and a team here and we are talking to each other.
She feels she is well taken care of by a group of people who care about her.
She felt great. She was brand-new.
It wasn't discussed.
It was not taboo, it was just unpleasant.
Now that the combination of chemo profusion and chemo embolization shrunk the tumors,
she returns to German to have laser therapy.
There was a reason for all this.
It is a challenge to my very core.
My strength, my mind, my spirit and my soul.
She is a very positive person and a very known person.
She's a Hollywood chick. You know.
It only looks for herself.
She wanted to know what's going on and wanted to know what she had exactly.
Is the big one this big?
Really?
Dr. Vogel is putting a needle
through the skin directly into some of the tumors.
That needle has at the tip of it
a laser with the idea of then lasering the tumor and having it die.
They go in through the rib
cartilage into the liver in this case.
It is painful.
Right now this is the last applicator.
This will take a couple of minutes, but it's almost finished.
Okay.
Maybe the worst part is over now.
The laser and we will see nothing.
It's a very complicated procedure where we go up to 100 degrees
and destroy the cells in in the area.
You have to be very careful when you do this kind of treatment
because you can damage the liver extensively.
We didn't allow ourselves to think about anything else except
yeah, this is going to work and
it will be a success and she is going to be well
and there was never any other thought in our mind that it would have any other outcome.
Usually after these procedures,
Farrah wanted to get back to L.A. as soon as possible
and the doctors tried to discourage her from flying.
The change of the pressure in the airplane can cause problems
to patients who are treated with
chemo profusions and laser.
The patients can have problems like fever, swelling, pain, a lot of pain.
It's not good to fly after these procedures.
We are on our way.
She wanted to go. The reservations were made.
I said I can change the the reservation. Let's wait a few days.
She wanted to get home.
Are you okay?
I have pain and they couldn't get...
We should not have flown today, but I'm not going to say anything about it.
We shouldn't have flown today.
I'm scared because we were in the middle of the ocean
and my friend is in terrible pain.
I looked over and she was crying.
I went oh, my God. What's going on?
Ladies and gentlemen, we are in Los Angeles.
Sometimes this disease makes me feel like a stranger to myself.
Like a blond nothingness.
Alone inside a body that wants what is mine.
But that has been damaged by radiation, chemo
and all those drugs necessary for me to live.
All those chemicals that are highly toxic and slightly paralyzing.
Forcing me to experience intolerable suffering and the pain I have never known.
I miss my life.
Home, sweet home.
Hello.
Look at you.
I'm a private person.
I'm shy about people knowing things.
From the moment the news broke about Farrah having cancer,
the tabloids were going wild about her condition
and of course distorting what was really happening.
Suddenly Farrah found herself battling on two fronts,
taking on cancer and now, battling the the tabloids.
The National Enquirer said she is receiving alternative treatments in Germany.
Hurry, Farrah, hurry.
What do you want?
They chased her, they photographed her, they yelled at her.
Why don't you guys have some respect for anybody.
It would be so grossly exaggerated
and often times they were out right lies
that would come out and things like saying
I want to die and something that is so not Farrah.
Not something Farrah would say.
It took away from her focus on her,
what she needed to be focusing on which was just healing.
When a person is fighting for her life
and they report she has given up and done this and that,
that can have a devastating effect.
I was having trouble sitting, standing, walking.
I didn't want to be photographed
in a wheelchair which is what they are always trying to get.
A person with less strength than Farrah might have had
literally a devastating effect.
For Farrah it just missed her off.
When the first and second article came out, we knew
the information was coming from UCLA to the National Enquirer.
When they came back, I set it up with the doctor and said okay,
do you know? I'm not telling Redmond
and I’m not telling Ryan and my father or my girlfriends.
I'm not telling anyone.
I knew if it came out, it was someone from UCLA.
Extra breaks Farrah news. Dramatic new developments.
Someone sneaking through your medical records and selling the information.
That's what happened to Farrah Fawcett.
Last May before Farrah could tell her own family that the cancer hat returned,
The Enquirer screamed Farrah's cancer is back
and now we know how they got the information.
UCLA officials characterized it as an isolated incident
and we printed that in the paper.
But it turned out to be the beginnings of a major scandal.
All of that business that went on with the paparazzi
and the press and the UCLA records and
everything was just very upsetting to her. It was the last thing she needed.
The "Los Angeles times" confirmed what I knew and could never prove.
That my medical records were breached by an employee of UCLA.
It's remarkable.
Here's Farrah feeling so weak from her cancer and
these treatments and yet she was still bold enough
to take on UCLA and the National Enquirer.
As a result of the attention, hospitals around the country
upgraded their computer systems
and improved their administrative policies to protect patient privacy.
And the California assembly introduced new legislation
and posted stronger deterrents with health facilities
and individuals from breaching medical records.
One individual reached records 939 times
and sold the information to a tabloid magazine.
Good morning, everybody.
Governor Schwarzenegger signed the bills into law,
giving the state the direct and immediate power to enforce signs
through the newly formed office of health information integrity.
Another victory is the fact that the National Enquirer has not
run a single story on me in almost 12 months.
These days the only thing they have to say about me is no comment.
After more than 30 years of being on the receiving end of their lies
and invasions of privacy, no comment is a major victory for me.
Not long after Christmas in January of 2008,
we had to go back to Germany for more treatment.
Needless to say, Farrah was not looking forward to it.
I feel like a dog at the vet too many times.
They start to go and shake all over the floor.
My hands sweating.
She didn't mind so much that she wasn't going to be home
for her birthday, but what really bummed her out was that she
was going to miss her son Redmond's birthday.
It's Redmond's birthday.
For Redmond, my boy.
I will always be there.
When you are so very young, I will be there.
When you fall, I will be there.
When you are over 6 feet tall, I will be there.
When one day you wake up
and realize that I'm gone,
I will still be there.
Always.
Always with you forever in you,
Redmond, my boy.
I will always be there.
Her son used to say to me, she will be all right because she looks good.
I said well, Red.
Maybe you're right.
She does look good.
She does and maybe she will.
There is another round of treatments in Germany
which is a series of scans performed to see
if the tumors were eradicated or at least had stopped growing.
I think we have destroyed the lesions which are dangerous to your health.
Can we just explain about the tumors?
Now that you removed the last yesterday,
there is no more active tumors?
At that moment, Farrah is happy.
She is just told by the German doctors she is tumor-free.
Not cancer-free, but tumor-free.
What they meant by that was that
each of the known sites of tumors
had all been treated and on scans were looking inactive.
You said when she is in remission and you expect that to happen,
she will be your little miracle.
It's February 2nd, Saturday
and this is Farrah's birthday and we woke up to an incredible scene of snow.
Oh, wow. Look at this.
Snow for my birthday.
- We should go out in the snow today. - I know.
The first time in almost two years I am tumor-free.
Thank you, God.
She was in what the doctor said is kind of a remission at the time.
She was very happy.
Very happy about that.
So we had a snowball fight and she kept trying to nail me with
the snowballs and she is a good shot.
I can't believe she hit me.
Let me hit you.
I'm so sorry.
I'm having another birthday.
I am so grateful to be here.
I owe it all to you. You saved my life.
She was glowing.
She looked so beautiful, you would never look at her and think she was sick.
I love this girl.
I feel great.
I mean I feel for the first time
tumor-free and I think I can say
now it's probably been about five years since I felt this good.
Isn't that great?
It's right back into working out and doing all the things she
was doing as a part of her life.
She was treat and looked inactive at the moment.
Follow-up treatment here with the doctor
and he and the German doctors worked together.
There were things she has to continually do here.
It has been so long since I laughed and felt good.
We started a few phase with several months of taking the
chemotherapy and seemed to control it.
Just all that stuff right there made me feel better.
This was a good time for Farrah.
She back home and feeling better and the treatments seem to be working.
Now she is trying to balance this sense of well being
with the fact that she is still a cancer patient.
I used to wonder how people who were very sick
with a terminal diagnosis could get up and go on with their lives and
not think about dying every moment of the day.
I didn't feel this way in the beginning when hope
and determination left no room for anything else in my mind and body except pain.
So I go on and hope and pray that these changes that continue
to bombard me will help me to help others.
Dear Miss Fawcett, I was diagnosed with anal cancer
and cried when I heard the horrible words. I was embarrassed.
Now I say the same as Farrah Fawcett, it sounds so much better.
I am 22 and battling cancer.
It is a struggle, but you help me stayed brave.
Dearest Farrah, you helped me to fight this fight.
I will keep you in my prayers and if possible keep me in yours as well.
Farrah, the world needs you to speak up.
The battle begins with with awareness.
Dear Farrah, please remember you are an angel.
Angels as you know...
It's time for to you do your part and change the world.
We are all here waiting for you.
Fondly, Joanne.
Sincerely, Miguel.
- Paul. - God bless, Susan.
- With love and hope, Kenny. - Richard.
Patty.
Farrah was feeling so good, we decided to take a girl's trip to Mexico.
Hola.
You need a break.
You need to celebrate the joys and the moments.
At that moment, she was so filled with joy that just
all of the known areas were treat and looked inactive at the moment
and I will stop and celebrate this moment because
I need a good dose of joy.
Farrah, come here.
Knowing now what lay ahead for Farrah,
I wish I could have frozen that moment in time.
Every day I try to remind myself
to ask myself did I try my best today?
That's all I ask of myself.
I wouldn't be truthful if I said yes. I succeeded every single day.
But the will, the spirit, the desire to live, I will never compromise.
It's very important to keep your eye on the patient
and the patient's tumor and watch the patterns of behavior
because you have to respond as you can.
- Do you drink it? - Yes, it is a radioactive glucose liquid.
Because I wanted some.
This is it.
On the days when we had to do tests,
it was a real roller coaster of emotions for Farrah and Ryan.
You never knew what was going to happen next because
you didn't know what the tests would show.
We are waiting for the scan.
See what's not there.
What's not there.
We should know any minute.
So this scan is a very complicated scan.
It looks like there is some kind of activity in the liver.
There is one area that looks like a new lesion.
And there are two little areas that could be nubbins of new lesions.
But it could be inflammatory from all the
treatments that have been done from the liver.
Let's look at what I am concerned about.
We are looking at your liver
and the good news is that the area is showing no tumors.
None of the ones that have been lasered have come back?
That is correct.
But the bad news is that we are seeing a few areas of activity.
- Activity? - Yes.
And the ones that are larger
and part of the liver.
- They weren't there the last time? - That's correct.
For example here we see that it looks like it's getting worse on the CT.
It confirms that because there is activity as well.
Basically the colors are telling us that they are abnormal.
Those are the findings.
I'm sorry to bring you not great news.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Good to see you. - You too.
Thank you.
We saw on this scan there were new areas of tumors in the liver.
If that wasn't bad enough,
the tumor at the original site in the anal area was regrowing.
Okay.
That was a devastating moment for Farrah and for us.
She had been doing so well and feeling so good
and now this meant confronting the possibility of another trip to Germany.
It is so tragic because I saw
things starting to slide away.
I saw that happening.
I didn't say anything and she didn't say anything,
but the trips began to double up.
I'm lying in bed trying to sleep with an IV in my hand,
but it's not drugs that fill my body today
but despair.
Outside my window it's pouring rain.
That big drop rain that evoked all my senses since childhood.
How I loved the thunderous roar
and that sweet scent it leaves behind.
Somehow I take comfort in the fact
that the purest of water is cleansing everything in its path.
So much like the chemicals that flow down a tube and into my veins.
I was just thinking
how much I would miss the rain sometimes.
I wonder whether I would be able to experience it heaven.
Maybe God gives you wings
down in this rain if only for an instant.
I know it's sad, but...
Thank you.
She had to have several surgeries
while she was there and then she had several procedures with Dr. Vogel.
It was a tough trip. It was really a tough trip.
It rained all the time. We thought it would never stop raining.
We were there for five weeks.
It was a very long trip.
There is no room for despair.
The devil makes you sick and God can heal you.
I believe in him in his power and infinite wisdom.
I must do my work also, but I cannot do it without his help.
I must never forget how blessed I have been.
He has given me gifts and happiness beyond any of my expectations.
My expectation now and deepest desire is to live.
After the multiple trips back and forth and with a certain amount of exhaustion,
she was excited about the idea of new
exciting scientific hopeful treatment right here in Los Angeles.
She was going to do this treatment at city of hope.
A trial treatment that they had done there and had
incredible luck with a few people who
were almost at the end of a very deadly battle with cancer and
they had turned them around with this drug they were using.
She is very hopeful about being a part of this trial.
I have been eating a lot and I gained.
I weigh 112.
She was hopeful. Everybody was.
The doctors and everyone thought this might be it.
This might be the miracle
that was going to just make her completely well again.
It was the type of chemo, but a very, very long, almost a day long treatment.
I will keep looking though.
It took them hours to get a vein because
by then her veins were so destroyed by chemo
that it was one of the things that was torturous.
The drugs that were necessary for me to live and at the same time
send the tumors away have begun to be highly toxic themselves.
The IV will continue to flow through a vein
that has been damaged by chemo, radiation
and so fragile it may blow at any time.
Like I said, my own private war.
She doesn't want anyone to pity her
or worry.
She always puts on this brave front as if everything is fine
when it's not.
Oh, gosh.
I didn't sleep enough last night.
To this day I don't let her see
how I really feel.
Because I feel awful.
I'm so scared.
There is so much hope in her face
because she believes it will be okay.
I will never love anyone like I love Farrah.
This is it.
It's been two years since Farrah was diagnosed with anal cancer.
It's a roller coaster ride of treatments, but now
she is in the middle of a clinical trial that we thought was the best
option at the time and she has placed a lot of hope for success.
I miss my life.
I want my life back now.
How are you feeling right now?
And the first few weeks, she tolerated it relatively well.
This might be the miracle that was just going to make her completely well again.
We were all up and positive.
But it didn't work.
She started developing severe symptoms of bleeding.
Of course as we feared, when we did the scans,
we found that the tumor progress and that's what was causing the bleeding.
It wasn't working. That was a big, big disappointment.
Even after two years, I still haven't learned
why I can't get my body to heal itself.
I'm still trying.
We spent a lot of energy in choosing treatments not only
that were likely to work on the tumor,
but also that were likely to spare her hair.
Because hair is very defining of who you are.
In Farrah's case, she probably has the most famous hair in the world.
Hair was extremely important. Not in a trivial way.
At this point in the fight, she knew we needed to bring
our best a game to the fight we had at this moment.
We had to tryout these particular drugs.
She called in sick.
Do you think you can come over, I think something's happening with my hair.
We don't know what's happening with my hair.
I went over as soon as possible because she was noticing something.
She had heavy treatment and could tell that her hair was starting to fallout.
She was starting to lose her hair.
The hair was falling out and falling out and I'm
sticking it in my pockets and hiding it.
And she has this beautiful, thick head of hair no matter how much was coming out.
It was so much.
We just really started talking about what really mattered
and we had come to the conclusion that it was all about growing old.
And we went into that song.
Through all of this, she has constantly said the same thing.
I have to get the message out
and I know that she believes that that is her mission.
That's why I have one of the strongest cancers,
one of the ones that there isn't enough research on.
She said it time and time again.
Today she has no hair
and I tell you, she looks more beautiful than ever.
With all the hair that is falling out, I can make you a wig.
It was for real, that head of hers. Was for real.
It's gone now.
You weren't going to be happy until you got my hair.
I told you.
We approached it exactly like
most people who are in this situation approach it.
She did wait until she had some pieces of hair starting to fall
and she shaved her head.
She wasn't sure she wanted the camera rolling and
I convinced her to let me keep it rolling
because I thought it would be an important moment.
Back here there was this dark
spot and a light spot and a dark spot.
It likes good, it has a good shape to it.
I like that. I'm glad you left the bangs.
It was a beautiful moment. A very, very empowering moment.
That was a very empowering point for her.
Because if she was going to lose her hair,
she was going to lose it at her own hand and not at the hand of the cancer.
Life becomes more important.
It's not about hair. It's about getting well.
You think okay, whatever it takes. I will go through this and do it.
That's what Farrah is going to do.
She's beautiful.
She will always be beautiful.
Merry Christmas.
It was around the holidays last year and time for a new set of scans.
We were excited because the scans showed that
the tumors were responding to the new chemotherapy
and Farrah was going to get to spend the holidays
at home doing all the things she loved.
She was wiped out by now
and Christmas came and we cooked our traditional pies
and she weaker than she was the year before.
You could tell she had to lie down in between cooking.
It was still great.
We made our pies and stuffing and the next night
she, Ryan and Redmond came over for Christmas dinner.
It was a great Christmas.
Farrah's spirit taught us all what spirit meant.
She has been tested.
Lately.
That never flagged.
Still has it.
Some of us have lost, but she has hers.
Six, five, four, three, two,
Let's see.
Let's go somewhere.
Germany. What a great idea.
As I reflect on past decisions,
I wonder what lies ahead.
I will not go gently into that good night.
In February of this year, scans confirmed what we dreaded
that none of the experimental treatments in the States had had worked.
So that meant yet another trip back to Germany.
The snow is unbelievable, Farrah.
Every once in a while, we'll see something familiar and then
something will seem like a dream.
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Farrah went through more surgical procedures and was in constant pain.
It was a solemn and somber trip, but we never lost hope.
Two years.
Yeah, but I didn't know it would go on two years.
I thought I would be cured.
I know. You will be.
Just like always, all she wanted to do was get home.
The doctor wants to say good-bye.
- See you. - See you very soon.
Take care.
All in all, I will have to make six trips during the course of the year and a half.
The year and a half I was never supposed to live long enough to see.
At least.
Not according to most doctors.
And that in itself is a victory.
Yes, a victory.
We got her home.
She was home for a few days
and then she had to go to St. Johns because of the hematoma.
She was in St. Johns I think about a week.
You know, in a lot of pain. A lot of discomfort.
Then she came back home.
She is sedated. She's in pain.
She's quiet.
This is not a good situation.
Her son's in jail.
He's in jail on drug charges and is being ordered to rehab.
The doctor wrote to the judge
and said this could be her last time they see each other.
And the judge responded and let him have a three-hour visit.
She is awake.
- Did she recognize you? - I hope.
- Talk to you? - I hope.
I think so.
What did you say to her?
I asked her if she was in pain and told her I loved her
and told her that...
I think she knows when she hears my voice it's going to be all right.
But it would be a good reason to organize your life, Red.
As a tribute to her.
Yeah.
Love you, pop.
I don't know what his life will be like without her because he adored her.
He better brace himself.
We all better brace ourselves.
My future is bending too.
As I write this, almost 2 1/2 years since my first diagnosis,
I still have cancer.
I'm afraid I can't give you any definitive answers,
but I have some questions.
Like why isn't there more research done on certain types of cancer
and why don't we embrace alternative treatments
that proven to be successful in other countries?
And last but not least
is the hardest question of all for me to answer.
How are you?
Let's see.
Today I've got cancer,
but on the other hand I'm alive.
I guess I'm great.
Yeah. Right now I am great.
My life goes on and so does my fight.
And oh, by the way, how are you?
What are you fighting for?
Sync and corrections: minouhse www.addic7ed.com