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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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- Synced and corrected by Darrow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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_
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Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
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Our top story:
doing laundry and drinking beer.
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I'm sorry.
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Doing laundry and drinking beer?
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Quahog welcomes Duds & Suds,
a new laundromat that serves beer.
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So if you want to drink
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and watch your kid's teacher
wash his only pair of pants,
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get on down there.
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- Ah, cool!
- We should go!
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Nothing better than putting on
a warm diaper right out of the dryer.
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Ah, I'm okay! Let's go again!
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- Shut up! Shut up!
- What's the problem?
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- What day is it?
- Wednesday?
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Aka, the one day a week
I have independent study first period
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and get to sleep in!
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So shut up!
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Stewie, when I was over
visiting Grandma and Grandpa,
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humiliating myself to ask them
to keep paying for your preschool...
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I know you don't understand me,
but I understand you.
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I found Chi-Chi!
He's like your doll, Reuben.
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I know, I know, I know.
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You called Joanna "Joanne"
the other day, it happens.
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He was always very special to me,
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now I want him
to be very special to you.
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- What is she even talking about?
- Toy!
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Toy? Oh, oh, toy!
Oh, well, why didn't you say so?
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- Yay, toy!
- Yay, toy!
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Shut! Up!
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I'm so sorry, Chris!
I forgot it was Wednesday!
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Oh, sorry, where are my manners?
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Chi-Chi, this is Reuben... Uh, Rupert!
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Rupert! I-I meant... I meant Rupert.
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You know that.
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I know it's not ideal that he's here,
but I can't just throw him out.
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Lois would be crushed.
She has, like, nothing in her life.
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Of course I saw his Bible,
that's the first thing I saw.
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_
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Hey, check it out.
You and Peter have the same undies.
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What are you talking about?
He just wears run-of-the-mill Hanes.
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Yours aren't Hanes?
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No, mine are Planes.
All pilots wear them.
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_
- Look at that, Planes.
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"The perfect underwear
for unexpected wind shear."
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- Is that, like, farts?
- Yes, that's like farts.
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_
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Oh, hello, Doug. Can I sit here?
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I don't care. My stop is next.
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I assume you're taking this
to the end of the line?
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Out to the land of cheap rents
and tract housing?
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My stop's pretty soon, too.
What's on your shoes?
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Oh. These are called laces.
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I doubt you've ever heard of them,
Mr. Velcro.
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I know about laces!
I've just never seen black ones.
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Geez. Why are you always such a dick?
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Takes one to know one.
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Where did you learn that? That's great!
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I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
That-that wasn't about you.
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I... I'm just...
There's-there's stuff going on at home.
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I'd love to hear about it,
though fair warning:
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I know little
of lower-middle class plight.
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Eh, it's just this new
stuffed monkey Chi-Chi's
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making waves with my old stuffy.
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I keep trying to get rid of the monkey,
but my mom keeps finding him...
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and I can tell you're bored.
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Far from it, Stewie.
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I feel for you.
That actually sounds like
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what I'm going through
with Miss Tiggywinkles.
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- Really?
- Yeah.
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It's really wearing on me.
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Hey, I just had a crazy idea.
We might be able to help each other out.
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- How's that?
- Think about it:
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two fellas meet on a train,
and do each other's murders.
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I kill Chi-Chi,
you kill Miss Tiggywinkles.
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Nobody could ever connect us
to the crimes. Crisscross.
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You've got yourself a deal!
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Great. Well, this is my stop.
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No, no, no! You can't!
You can't! That's hot lava!
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Whoa. That was close.
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_
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Giggity morning, everyone.
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Lois, can I see you in the other room
for a second?
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- Sure.
- All right!
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Peter, what would you like
for breakfast?
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Chocolate chip pancakes.
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Lois, can I see you in the other room
for a second?
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So... Whew.
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Uh, what did you want? Uh, wa-waffles?
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Yeah, sure.
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Lois, can I see you in the other room
for a second?
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I couldn't perform a third time,
so we just read.
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Morning, beautiful.
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I had the Uber guy sleep outside,
so he's ready when you're ready.
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_
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But first, a dump so long
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I will be able to read
everything Garfield ever wrote.
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Jon.
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Morning, Captain Quagmire.
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Hey, did you know
if this plane was a wiener,
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we'd be the wiener's eyes?
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Hello, this is your captain speaking
from the, uh, cockpit.
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Lot of penis stuff from you today.
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Quiet, you don't talk.
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Now please enjoy this in-flight music
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I brought with me
from my glove compartment.
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♪ Ah, well, everybody's heard
about the bird ♪
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♪ B-B-B-Bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's the word. ♪
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Guess I'll go for my walk
and leave Chi-Chi all alone!
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Wow, how far is it from up here?
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Goodnight Moon?
Ugh, God, Stewie's so basic.
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Oh, my God, he did it.
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Oh, no! I've been out all morning
with lots of witnesses,
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and now this!
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Chris! Help!
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For God's sake, what now?
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So, I was out on my walk with Jane,
Ally P., and Ali R....
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both got disastrous haircuts yesterday,
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obviously that stays in this room...
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and I just came in
and found Chi-Chi like this!
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Stewie, do you know what day it is?
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It's the next Wednesday.
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I believe you're aware
of my Wednesday schedule.
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First period, independent study.
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Oh, so you are.
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And do you remember what I like to do
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during first period, independent study?
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- Sleep.
- Sleep!
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Oh, you're a quick study.
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(BLEEP)
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Chris, your alarm is going off!
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I know!
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All right, time to murder
Miss Tiggywinkles.
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Oh, never been invited to Doug's before.
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Whoa! Chalkboard wall? No way!
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The only limitation is my imagination.
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So fun!
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Stay right here, Miss Tiggywinkles.
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Dougie will be home soon to play.
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Beat it, you don't want to see
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what I'm about to do
to Miss Tiggywinkles!
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Get away from me n...
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_
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Oh, my God! I can't read!
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Here you go, Miss Tiggywinkles.
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Miss Tiggywinkles is a real cat!
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You know what? I can do this.
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I can't do it! I can't kill a cat!
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Unless you were in the movie musical
with Rebel Wilson?
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I can't do it!
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We now return to Baywatch.
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All right!
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There he is,
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the reason our lawn
looks like it has leopard skin pants.
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What's up with you lately?
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You've been acting really weird
all of the sudden.
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"All of the sudden," Brian?
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I think what you mean is
"all of a sudden."
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Ladies and gentlemen,
that's the author in the house.
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What's your problem?
Why are you being such a jerk to me?
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My problem with you?
Let's see, where do I begin?
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You accept food, clothing and shelter,
yet no responsibilities.
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You constantly want to sleep
with my wife, who is an angel.
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Oh, and the hypocrisy.
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You claim to be an ally to women,
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but I bet you don't even know
Nancy Pelosi's official title.
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Sure, I do. She's, uh...
Chuck Schumer's secretary.
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Forget it, Brian. Now, can you strap me
to this milking table?
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My wife will be home soon.
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_
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Stewie Griffin, do you want to tell me
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why you didn't hold up your end
of the bargain with Miss Tiggywinkles?
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Seriously?
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Maybe because you failed to mention
she was a real, living cat.
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Hey, I killed your monkey!
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Don't you see how that's different?
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We had a deal.
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No, I know. But I just...
I d... I don't... I don't think...
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Boy, this is really gonna hurt
your reputation
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with my kindergarten friends.
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You have kindergarten friends?
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00:11:11,425 --> 00:11:12,425
Oh, yeah.
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00:11:12,427 --> 00:11:15,816
I let them throw pinecones at me
all the time.
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00:11:15,818 --> 00:11:19,579
But now I'm gonna have to tell them
you welshed on me.
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Kindergartners hate welshers.
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Kindergartners, eh?
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You know what? I'll do it.
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Good choice, Stewie.
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00:11:27,131 --> 00:11:28,878
Hey, m-maybe after all this is done,
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00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,917
I-I could get kindergartners
throwing pinecones at me?
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00:11:31,919 --> 00:11:36,402
Whoa, slow down, champ.
They start you at driveway pebbles.
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00:11:41,189 --> 00:11:43,756
Ah, Brian, just the man
I was hoping to see.
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00:11:43,758 --> 00:11:45,156
You don't like cats, do you?
203
00:11:45,158 --> 00:11:46,830
- I hate 'em.
- Sit.
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00:11:48,558 --> 00:11:51,444
Three of Lois' sweaty jogging bras.
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00:11:51,446 --> 00:11:53,457
Have I really been that good of a boy?
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00:11:53,459 --> 00:11:55,447
That depends. I got a cat problem.
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00:11:55,449 --> 00:11:57,352
You get rid of my cat,
this is all yours.
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00:11:57,354 --> 00:11:59,130
- Done.
- Go ahead, boy.
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00:12:01,963 --> 00:12:03,569
Oh, yeah!
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00:12:03,571 --> 00:12:06,442
She ran fast
because Bonnie was watching.
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00:12:06,444 --> 00:12:09,434
_
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00:12:10,669 --> 00:12:11,810
What happened to you?
213
00:12:11,812 --> 00:12:13,975
I'm not really sure.
I was in line at the bank,
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00:12:13,977 --> 00:12:16,333
and this human-sized chicken
cut in front of me.
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00:12:16,335 --> 00:12:18,287
Well, I wasn't gonna let that stand.
216
00:12:18,289 --> 00:12:19,508
I had a weird day, too.
217
00:12:19,510 --> 00:12:20,985
I asked, like, seven people
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00:12:20,987 --> 00:12:23,133
if they were gonna watch
the SpaceX launch.
219
00:12:23,135 --> 00:12:24,785
And I-I don't even know what that is.
220
00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:27,017
Hey, you two are both
acting very strange,
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00:12:27,019 --> 00:12:29,044
and I think I know what it is.
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00:12:29,046 --> 00:12:32,299
He's wearing your underwear,
and you're wearing his.
223
00:12:32,301 --> 00:12:33,301
How do you know that?
224
00:12:33,303 --> 00:12:34,868
Well, you know,
when some people go blind
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00:12:34,870 --> 00:12:36,538
their other senses are heightened.
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00:12:36,540 --> 00:12:39,760
When I lost my legs,
I gained a sense of underpants.
227
00:12:39,762 --> 00:12:42,052
What are you talking about?
We didn't switch underwear.
228
00:12:42,054 --> 00:12:45,956
Are you sure about that?
Stand up and let Jojo flip your taggies.
229
00:12:45,958 --> 00:12:47,849
Turn around. Butt-to-butt.
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00:12:50,093 --> 00:12:51,472
Hanes.
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00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:53,816
Planes.
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00:12:55,407 --> 00:12:56,984
Whoo!
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00:12:56,986 --> 00:12:58,061
What the hell?
234
00:12:58,063 --> 00:13:00,737
We must've accidentally grabbed
the wrong ones at the laundromat.
235
00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:04,554
Oh, so your boys were
where his boys were.
236
00:13:04,556 --> 00:13:07,159
And your boys were where his boys were.
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00:13:08,235 --> 00:13:10,831
Oh, my God!
238
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:12,528
Hey, what are you guys talking about?
239
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:14,765
Peter and Quagmire exchanged underwear.
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00:13:14,767 --> 00:13:16,158
Ha! Classic!
241
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,564
Me, I don't wear underwear.
I just wear trunks.
242
00:13:20,180 --> 00:13:21,414
Tree guy.
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00:13:21,416 --> 00:13:23,257
That'll hit you
when you're driving home.
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00:13:23,701 --> 00:13:26,759
Hey, look at this table.
What are you guys talking about?
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00:13:35,038 --> 00:13:36,823
Oh, hey, I-I, uh...
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00:13:36,825 --> 00:13:39,162
I didn't... I didn't know
you take out trash, too.
247
00:13:39,164 --> 00:13:41,745
Yeah, I-I, uh... Only on trash days.
248
00:13:41,747 --> 00:13:43,833
No, right, of course.
Yeah, no, no, I'm sorry. I-I...
249
00:13:45,431 --> 00:13:47,373
I'm not sure what to say.
250
00:13:47,375 --> 00:13:49,026
I know. It's awkward.
251
00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:50,609
I thought things would go back to normal
252
00:13:50,611 --> 00:13:52,542
after we traded underwear yesterday.
253
00:14:08,729 --> 00:14:10,882
I'm gonna have Lois cancel
our dinner plans
254
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:13,680
with you and Ida tomorrow.
I-I think it's too soon.
255
00:14:13,682 --> 00:14:16,286
Hey, you don't think the guys
are talking about us, do you?
256
00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:17,524
Oh, I don't think so.
257
00:14:17,526 --> 00:14:18,814
Oh, my God.
258
00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:21,510
I still can't believe they wore
each other's underwear.
259
00:14:21,512 --> 00:14:22,869
Like, can you imagine?
260
00:14:22,871 --> 00:14:25,929
I know, right?
Like, icky times a thousand.
261
00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:27,746
Hey, this is crazy,
262
00:14:27,748 --> 00:14:29,912
but what if we wore
each other's underwear,
263
00:14:29,914 --> 00:14:31,025
just for a joke?
264
00:14:31,027 --> 00:14:33,440
What? No, that's a terrible idea.
265
00:14:33,442 --> 00:14:35,008
Yeah, just-just joking.
266
00:14:35,010 --> 00:14:36,553
So stupid!
267
00:14:36,555 --> 00:14:38,503
Can I be done now?
268
00:14:44,538 --> 00:14:48,271
Okay, you go in there, kill Miss T,
and we'll sneak out the back.
269
00:14:48,273 --> 00:14:49,538
You need a weapon or anything?
270
00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:52,525
She's a cat, I'm a dog. I'm good.
271
00:15:07,331 --> 00:15:08,983
It went poorly.
272
00:15:13,322 --> 00:15:15,582
Thanks again for having us over, Lois.
273
00:15:15,584 --> 00:15:19,955
Zesty Italian? Oh, I-I just couldn't.
Not this close to bedtime.
274
00:15:20,261 --> 00:15:21,997
You said you were gonna cancel dinner.
275
00:15:21,999 --> 00:15:24,290
I have zero control in my marriage.
276
00:15:27,518 --> 00:15:28,986
Whoops. I dropped my roll,
277
00:15:28,988 --> 00:15:30,920
which is not at all
an invitation for Peter
278
00:15:30,922 --> 00:15:33,096
to have an under-the-table conference.
279
00:15:42,062 --> 00:15:43,966
Ha! Darn thing's always coming off.
280
00:15:43,968 --> 00:15:45,910
Excuse me for one moment, won't you?
281
00:15:48,742 --> 00:15:49,823
Why did you do that?
282
00:15:49,825 --> 00:15:51,993
You dropped all the bread.
What was I supposed to do?
283
00:15:51,995 --> 00:15:53,219
Okay, that makes sense.
284
00:15:53,221 --> 00:15:56,183
So, I went
to the underwear doctor and...
285
00:15:56,185 --> 00:15:57,631
you should probably get checked.
286
00:15:57,633 --> 00:15:59,384
They say when you wear
someone's underwear,
287
00:15:59,386 --> 00:16:00,770
you're also wearing the underwear
288
00:16:00,772 --> 00:16:02,604
of everyone whose underwear
they've worn.
289
00:16:02,606 --> 00:16:06,670
I can't believe this!
I thought I knew you, Glenn Quagmire!
290
00:16:09,433 --> 00:16:12,596
Here I go again, filling up on ears.
291
00:16:12,598 --> 00:16:15,518
What's going on here, you two?
You're being very rude.
292
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:18,120
Lois spent all day
overcooking this meal.
293
00:16:18,122 --> 00:16:20,808
We accidentally wore
each other's underwear.
294
00:16:24,204 --> 00:16:27,464
I can't believe you wore
each other's undies!
295
00:16:27,811 --> 00:16:29,720
This is hysterical!
296
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,112
Shut! Up!
297
00:16:31,114 --> 00:16:32,998
Oh, it's not even Wednesday!
298
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,125
It's Tuesday night! That's part of it!
299
00:16:36,127 --> 00:16:37,746
Guys, this isn't funny!
300
00:16:37,748 --> 00:16:40,184
Relax, Peter. It's no big deal.
301
00:16:40,186 --> 00:16:41,214
You don't get it!
302
00:16:41,216 --> 00:16:45,251
Oh, quit being so dramatic.
Ladies switch underwear all the time.
303
00:16:45,253 --> 00:16:48,216
I might be wearing Bonnie's right now.
I don't even remember.
304
00:16:48,218 --> 00:16:50,997
While that is super sexy
and being stored for later,
305
00:16:50,999 --> 00:16:52,763
it's very different for guys.
306
00:16:52,765 --> 00:16:55,975
That's not true, male friends can be
more intimate than they used to.
307
00:16:55,977 --> 00:16:57,614
- Nope!
- And the lines of sexuality
308
00:16:57,616 --> 00:16:59,072
- are more fluid than ever.
- Nope!
309
00:16:59,074 --> 00:17:01,005
And people aren't so quick
to judge or label.
310
00:17:01,007 --> 00:17:02,007
Please stop.
311
00:17:02,009 --> 00:17:04,569
Masculinity just doesn't account
for stuff like this.
312
00:17:04,571 --> 00:17:06,991
Look, guys can share laughs and beers,
313
00:17:06,993 --> 00:17:09,861
but we don't share feelings,
emotions, or underwear.
314
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,729
Between male friends,
there's no coming back from this.
315
00:17:12,731 --> 00:17:16,112
He's right. I'm afraid our relationship
is on the skids.
316
00:17:16,114 --> 00:17:18,913
Maybe there's hope for the future,
but things now are too spotty.
317
00:17:18,915 --> 00:17:20,950
I just don't know
if there's any front-to-back to this.
318
00:17:20,952 --> 00:17:22,596
Our reputations are smeared.
319
00:17:22,598 --> 00:17:24,899
If I wasn't so yellow,
maybe I'd push harder.
320
00:17:24,901 --> 00:17:28,121
But, hey,
we had a really good streak, huh?
321
00:17:34,213 --> 00:17:36,077
What's going on out there, Dad?
322
00:17:36,079 --> 00:17:37,811
We accidentally wore
each other's underwear,
323
00:17:37,813 --> 00:17:39,532
so Mr. Quagmire is moving.
324
00:17:39,534 --> 00:17:40,756
Oh, wow.
325
00:17:40,758 --> 00:17:43,094
Yeah, obviously one of you
would need to.
326
00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:45,613
Peter, this is completely ridiculous.
327
00:17:45,615 --> 00:17:47,527
Babe. What's done is done.
328
00:17:47,529 --> 00:17:49,201
Look, I don't have a lot of friends,
329
00:17:49,203 --> 00:17:51,311
it's kind of a problem on the show.
330
00:17:51,313 --> 00:17:54,480
But if I did, I would never let
anything come between us,
331
00:17:54,482 --> 00:17:56,775
especially a pair of underwear.
332
00:17:59,587 --> 00:18:02,086
You know what, Lois? You're right.
333
00:18:02,088 --> 00:18:04,115
Now go tell him not to move.
334
00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:11,457
_
335
00:18:13,307 --> 00:18:15,629
_
336
00:18:43,816 --> 00:18:44,970
Quagmire,
337
00:18:44,972 --> 00:18:47,950
I just want to say that you can
wreck a good pair of underwear,
338
00:18:47,952 --> 00:18:49,894
but you can't wreck a good friendship.
339
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:50,979
That's nice, Peter.
340
00:18:50,981 --> 00:18:53,375
Underwear should never come
between two friends.
341
00:18:53,377 --> 00:18:54,533
Well, it kind of should.
342
00:18:54,535 --> 00:18:56,332
Yeah, yeah. It kind of should, yeah.
343
00:18:56,334 --> 00:18:58,439
Will you help me move my stuff
back inside?
344
00:18:58,441 --> 00:19:01,323
Only if I can do it half naked
and in front of all our neighbors.
345
00:19:01,325 --> 00:19:03,390
Not my first choice, but okay.
346
00:19:26,018 --> 00:19:28,954
Miss Tiggywinkles, wake up!
You've got to get out of here!
347
00:19:32,436 --> 00:19:35,294
Oh, my God, you're dead!
348
00:19:35,296 --> 00:19:37,383
Well, what do we have here?
349
00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:40,138
Stewie Griffin, cat murderer?
350
00:19:40,140 --> 00:19:42,964
What? You psycho! You killed her?
351
00:19:42,966 --> 00:19:46,317
Maybe I did, maybe she died
of natural causes.
352
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:50,182
The only thing that matters
is that now I have the goods on you.
353
00:19:52,533 --> 00:19:54,953
Oh, that's a terrible photo.
Would you mind doing it again?
354
00:20:02,238 --> 00:20:04,273
Aw, yeah. That's cute.
Can you send me that?
355
00:20:04,275 --> 00:20:05,522
No.
356
00:20:06,002 --> 00:20:07,195
Give me that picture!
357
00:20:07,197 --> 00:20:09,015
Hey, Doug. Sorry about your kitty.
358
00:20:09,017 --> 00:20:12,375
I guess the pet store
didn't have a men's department, huh?
359
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:15,848
Uh, well, I tried to get a...
360
00:20:15,850 --> 00:20:17,811
Hey, I don't want to be too tired
to drive home.
361
00:20:17,813 --> 00:20:19,239
Does this story have an ending?
362
00:20:19,241 --> 00:20:23,005
Later, losers! I'm five!
363
00:20:23,397 --> 00:20:25,431
- Who is that?
- That's Tyler.
364
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:27,675
He's, uh, kind of my Doug.
365
00:20:27,677 --> 00:20:29,243
Boy, we all get a Doug, huh?
366
00:20:29,245 --> 00:20:31,878
Yeah, Tyler's Doug is a drunk stepdad.
367
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,127
- Yikes.
- Yeah.
368
00:20:39,491 --> 00:20:42,403
Well, I'm glad everyone's back
in their regular underwear
369
00:20:42,405 --> 00:20:44,207
and everything's back to normal.
370
00:20:44,209 --> 00:20:47,417
Me, too. And thank you
for cleaning the milking table.
371
00:20:47,419 --> 00:20:49,268
Well, we had quite a week as well.
372
00:20:49,270 --> 00:20:50,289
We sure did.
373
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:52,191
I mean, you got your ass kicked
by a cat.
374
00:20:52,193 --> 00:20:53,905
Well, it was really more of a draw.
375
00:20:53,907 --> 00:20:54,951
Yeah, whatever.
376
00:20:54,953 --> 00:20:57,528
Hey, you want to end the show
with a "To Be Continued" meme?"
377
00:20:57,530 --> 00:20:58,963
I-I don't even know what that...
378
00:21:00,632 --> 00:21:03,932
_
379
00:21:03,934 --> 00:21:08,934
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