Michael's been in the bathroom forever!
Shouldn't I go check on him? Maybe he needs help!
Help with what? He's potty trained.
I think. Wait, how old is he?
Who was in the World Series when I got Priya pregnant?
Yankees/Marlins. He's 15. We're fine. Let's play.
Starks for three!
You missed, baby! You must be distracted! Oops!
I can't take it anymore. I'm gonna kick the door down.
I can't have his death on my conscience!
We're in the middle of a game.
Oh, thank God, he didn't drown.
Drown? You think I want to end up like Natalie Wood?
I mean, I do, but not the drowning part.
- Can I help you? - Hey, are you really
just gonna drop your towel on the floor?
Oh, where do you want me to drop it?
Crazy idea, how about you
don't drop it anywhere, and you just
hang it in the bathroom?
So the only person doing the cleaning
in this apartment is the person of color?
- Not a good look. - Someone play me!
I'm Pop-A-Shot!
What is that? It looks homophobic.
What? That's our Pop-A-Shot basketball game.
Yeah, we've had it since we were teenagers.
You know what? My interest has waned.
Now, here's what I want to know.
When am I going to get my own bedroom?
The sofa bed stoinks.
Well, maybe it wouldn't "stoink"
if you didn't treat the living room like a shanty town.
Look, I can't clean, okay?
I have too much going on!
New school, new parents,
eating vegetables for the first time ever.
It's fine, all right?
- I'll clean up after him. - No.
Look how tiny his clothes are.
It's like I finally got a Build-A-Bear.
You know, I was thinking, that, um,
maybe after school I could get a formal tour of the gym.
Like my grand unveiling.
All I need is a marble staircase and a chandelier.
Absolutely, yeah, um...
but not today.
Uh, we're closed,
because they... they found a body.
- Ooh. - Behind the gym.
And it's white,
so they actually want to find out who did it.
- Oh, my God. - Yeah.
- Okay. - I know.
- Only in New York... - Yeah.
Right, guys?
- Bye! - Yeah, see you!
Okay, wait.
That can't be true.
We never close down the gym for a dead body,
regardless of race.
Obviously I made that up, okay?
It's just I still haven't figured out
how to tell everyone at the gym
that I've been hiding a son from them
for 15 years,
especially since there's some other stuff
that I haven't told them,
like I sold the gym.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
As your accountant, I have bad news.
We'll take the good news first, Dana.
- There is none. - Can you make something up?
- No. - Just give us
the bad news, please.
When you sold Champions in secret
to flee your responsibilities...
To evade my responsibilities!
Abruptly abandoning your business and family...
Knowing that my absence would only make them stronger.
- You began the escrow process. - Mm-hmm.
Now, in order to extricate yourself with the bank,
you'll need to pay a penalty of $5,000.
- By Monday. - Or what?
Or you'll lose the gym
and everyone will be out of a job.
$5,000?
How are we gonna come up with that?
I can't go back to "Thunder From Down Under."
I'm bad at the accent!
G'day, which lucky sheila
wants a lap dance? Ugh!
Matthew, Matthew, you're not gonna
have to back to dancing.
I hated knowing where your dollar bills had been.
Just do not tell staff.
The last thing I need is them freaking out
that they might lose their jobs.
Hey, morning, everyone.
How you guys doing?
Uncle Bud, looking cheerful.
That I am. Check out the houseboat I bought.
It's called the "Crooked Hillary."
Uncle Bud, why'd you buy a boat?
Uh, my eyes aren't good enough
to drive a car no more.
You hit a dolphin, who cares?
You drive into a newsstand,
you're gonna hear about it.
Uncle Bud, that is really smart.
And also, I promised your dad
right before he died, he said,
"Bud, take care of my two boys."
- Right. - "And when your eyes go,
buy a boat."
Oh, man, Vince,
what's your take on people making
- risky purchases right now? - Oh, I'm not worried.
I invested all my money
in the safest stock there is,
Off-Broadway theater.
That's smart too, Shabaz.
It's a modern twist on a Broadway classic.
"Muhammad Christ Superstar."
We've already gotten a few threats, so...
Vince, I really think you should
pipe in any time now.
Yeah, Vince, is this a bad time
to Amazon Prime an indoor hot tub?
No, no, everything's good.
Everything's great, okay?
All I wanna say is that we're gonna be doing
a membership drive this weekend.
Let's make as much money as possible,
but no less than exactly $5,000.
You see? You see?
That's the kind of business acumen
that's gonna keep us and my boat
afloat forever.
Yes, yes, yes, yes to all, okay?
Now, let's go sign up some customers.
- Yeah! - Do it. Let's do it, yeah.
- All right. - Okay.
All right, let's go, I mean, look at this here.
Hello?
- Hey. - Ah!
Oh! Britney!
- Damn it, it's me. - Vince!
What the hell is wrong with you?
Did you hear they found a white body back here?
Yeah, I made that up, okay?
Look, I need you to do me a favor.
Ha! Me? Do you a favor?
After you dumped me,
I found out you had a love child,
and you sold the gym?
You're a psycho.
You're like Robert Durst, but poor.
Look, I need you to not tell anyone about the gym
- or about Michael. - Who?
My secret son, you just mentioned him.
- Oh. - Look, I'll do anything
you want, okay?
I-I can give you upwards of...
$8.
No, I want to use the gym for a launch party
for the new vodka I'm promoting.
- What? - You absorb it
- through your colon. - Wait, you...
You drink it through your butt?
It's called Posterier.
- Okay. - Absorb the night.
All right, fine, yeah, use the gym.
- Great! - Hey, can I at least
come to the party?
Dear God, please take care of my mother in Cleveland,
which is not a great place
to be as a single Indian woman.
And if you have any time left over,
I would dearly ask for my own bedroom
so I don't have to sleep on a sofa bed
on public display like a zoo animal and...
Amen. Good night, Michael.
Vince, a word, please.
Maybe I should be the one praying.
You know how much I hate lying to people.
Last year on Halloween, I went as Matthew.
You're not lying.
We're gonna get the $5,000 by Monday,
and by then, I'll have figured out
how to tell everyone about Michael.
Ah! Help!
- Michael! - Matthew!
The sofa bed ate my nephew!
- Help! Help! - Michael, we're coming!
_
You kneed me in the balls last night.
Well, we're either gonna have to buy
kneepads or ball pads, because this is
our life now, until Michael gets married
to a wonderful man and moves out.
Now go to your room and get dressed.
Uh... why does the kitchen look like this?
Oh, I was getting a glass of water
when I got a notification.
Apparently Meghan Markle is not
getting along with the queen's corgis.
They can tell she did basic cable.
All right, we've got some
pretty bad traits in our family...
high cholesterol, low-level depression...
- Lightning-quick erections. - Let's not advertise that one.
But this I've never seen.
You are spoiled.
- Spoiled? - Yep.
- Spoiled? - Mm-hmm.
Or is it I didn't have a strong father figure
to teach me how to do things?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
it is my first weekend in New York,
and I have a lot of sight-seeing to do.
The fountain where Carrie confronted Big,
the church where Aidan confronted Carrie,
and the exterior for Samantha Jones' PR.
You're not going anywhere, okay?
First of all, you gotta clean all this stuff up.
Secondly, I'm gonna be at the gym, busy, all day.
Ooh, with that murder?
I mean, obviously, I don't want to interfere
with an ongoing murder investigation.
- Exactly. - But I'm tired of being
cooped up in here like Belle,
or "Tangled," or "Sleeping Beauty."
Damn, Disney, you lock up more women than the Taliban.
Yeah, so, you know, obviously
I'd want you to come down to the gym,
but justice must be served.
So just, uh, stay put.
Hello?
Hey, Priya, it's the man responsible
for your teenage sexual awakening.
Ryan Phillippe? How did you get my number?
- No, it's Vince. - Oh.
But we got a problem. Your son's kind of a slob.
And he's trying to convince me that you were cool with that?
Oh, yeah, that's totally true.
What? You tolerate that?
You're like the biggest nag.
You were always like, "Vince, have ambition.
Vince, wear a condom."
I tried disciplining him,
but it's just too hard.
After spending all day
putting catheters in elderly people,
I didn't want to come home and yell at him
for some small thing, like he left the gas on
and the cat passed out.
Okay, that's appalling, and if I could just
offer some gentle criticism of your parenting style...
I just signed up my eighth person.
Good job.
Wait, are you guys just sitting here
eating all the promotional taffy?
Well, what's the point?
I intimidate people with my unobtainable physique.
They look at me and they're like,
"I'll never have that.
Might as well kill myself."
And as an African-American man,
I can't just run up to people
on the street, you know?
Check your privilege, Billy Eichner.
He's not wrong. I love you Shabaz,
but you got a real
"See Something, Say Something" look.
Hello, little mouse.
You're just like me, all alone,
trying to find some companionship.
Whoa, I'm talking to a rodent.
I gotta get out of here.
Britney! It's Britney, right?
Isn't New York spectacular?
Even this cheap, poor part.
I don't know you, little street urchin.
- I don't know him. - Oh, it's me, Michael.
- We've definitely met. - I'll take care of this.
Hey, kid, we don't want to send your
marching band to Disney World.
Unless you want to, I don't know,
do a cartwheel, I'll throw you a quarter.
No, I'm Vince Cook's son.
You know, the tall, forgettable white man
with the tiny head, obsessed with cleanliness?
No.
So it turns out that Vince has a kid.
And you know it's his because they have the same weird nose.
I know. Don't look at it.
I'm saving up to get a nose job
on my 16th birthday.
I'm making it bigger, like
Blake Lively's original nose.
That can't be Vince's kid. He's, uh, how do you say,
uh, too spicy looking.
I can't keep this a secret any longer.
I had a nephew with an Indian woman!
You know what, I have never felt so betrayed.
Not even when my own teammates
turned me in for doping at the 2004 Olympics.
How else are you supposed to throw a hammer?
- It's heavy! - How do you think I feel?
I just found out my dead best friend has a grandson?
How do I break that to him
on my monthly visits to his tombstone?
Uh, "Jimmy, you have a grandson.
- Congrats"? - That's pretty good, Shabaz.
Email that to me.
Why would he lie about having a son?
I tell you guys everything.
For instance, this entire outfit
is from the lost and found.
You think I know the Changs?
Wait, so you guys aren't mad about Michael?
You're just mad about the lying?
Yeah, 'cause we're family!
And families don't keep secrets!
Except for in movies,
documentaries,
Catholic countries,
sad plays, and podcasts!
Well, in that case,
you should also know that Vince sold the gym
and if we don't raise $5,000 by Monday,
we're all out of jobs. Ha. Whoo!
What a relief. Doesn't everyone feel better?
- No! He sold the gym? - Are you kidding me?
Hey, hey! Guys, guys!
Why isn't there a single trainer out on the floor?
- Oh, no. - Oh, yes, they know about me.
And they're obsessed with me.
But you, you're done for.
- Okay... - You sold the gym?
I need this job!
I'm currently being sued by Andrew Lloyd Webber
for copyright infringement!
And what am I supposed to do, huh?
I'm gonna have to sell my houseboat,
- which I can't even find. - Well...
I wanted to tell you from the beginning,
but Vince said, "No one will ever believe you
because you're Indian."
- No! - That sounds exactly like him!
N-no, no, never... never said that.
That's it! I quit!
I quit!
And I'm gonna go find another job
where they respect me, or at least pay me really good.
And then I won't care,
'cause I'm gonna be knee deep in milk shakes!
Your father'd be real proud of you, Vincent.
Real proud.
- Well... - Sit down.
Oh, man. Today was rough.
But it kind of brought us
closer together as a family.
Really?
Because I'm still pretty pissed at you
for destroying our business.
Me? You're the one who had
a weird midlife crisis and sold the gym.
Okay, you know what? I'm sorry.
I didn't think it was too much to ask
for you to keep my secret considering I provide you
with both housing and employment.
Ow! You kneed me in the balls.
I didn't do it on purpose.
Anywhere my knee goes, your crotch is there.
That's because I'm sharing a bed with my adult brother!
We're like the grandparents in "Willy Wonka"!
Meanwhile, my tiny son
has a California king all to himself!
Yeah, and why shouldn't he? He grew up without a dad!
- Oh, my God. - Which reminds me,
Michael asked if he could have
$200 a week in allowance.
- Oh-ho-ho! That's rich. - I said yes.
- You what? - Ow, my balls!
Hey, we're not gonna be able to give him any allowance
because come Monday, we're not gonna have jobs.
Which is your fault!
If you think I'm such a bad influence on Michael,
- maybe I should just leave. - Maybe you should!
- Everyone else has! - Great!
Have fun kneeing yourself in the balls tonight
- and every night forever! - I will.
Wait, so you just let Matthew move out?
- Yep. - Are you insane?
Who's gonna clean and shop and cook my breakfast?
What is this, even?
It's a block of cream cheese with some raisins on it.
Just think of it like a cinnamon-raisin bagel,
without the middle man.
Game on, MVPs.
Matthew, Vin-kent,
- time to play! - Hey, look.
This is gonna be awesome.
We're gonna get to know each other.
For instance, you can ask me questions
about my sick baseball career, the hot chicks I dated.
I mean, I... I do have a question.
Why didn't you want anyone at the gym to know about me?
Are you sure you don't want
just one hot chick story first?
No? Okay, okay, all right.
Look, um...
Honestly, I don't know.
You know, just some things are personal, right?
And I just don't want to broadcast them
to everyone, like... like I'm afraid of heights,
or I've got a Pearl Jam stickman tattoo on my leg, so...
Oh, so by "personal," you mean "embarrassing"?
You're embarrassed of me,
which Matthew never was.
You know what? You're right. This was a great talk.
Michael, that...
Jeez, Ruby, you scared me.
Then you will be terrified
to know that Fitness Fanatics
tried to poach me today.
They were blown away
by my professionalism.
Hmm.
Professionalism, that's nice.
I trained your afternoon clients today,
and they told me
that you spend most of their sessions
grinding up on the heavy bag.
Sorry for being hilarious.
But Fitness Fanatics, they get that about me.
- They offered me money... - Hmm.
Benefits, friends with benefits,
but I'm gonna say no, and you know why?
Because you're making all this up?
No.
Because I believe in Champions.
Everyone who works here does.
Why? This place is falling apart.
I just stepped on a nail.
We get our water delivered from Flint, Michigan.
It's not about the gym, Vince.
It's about the people who work here,
except you.
You're so damn secretive all the time.
You have a son, you sold the gym.
Is that even your real hair color?
Yeah, yeah, I dye my hair,
and out of all the colors in the world,
I went with grocery-bag brown.
Your brother is crashing on my futon,
boring all of my dates with stories about you.
Cara Delevinge was like, "Who Vince?"
Okay, I don't think I've...
ever said these words out loud,
but, Ruby, I think you're right.
And Matthew's right,
and Michael's right.
Damn it, am I wrong about everything?
Is "Muhammad Christ Superstar" going to be good?
All right, come on, let's go to your place.
Ah, look.
I am flattered,
and, yes, you look like a lesbian,
but not the kind I like.
You're like the tall, skinny social worker type
with cold hands.
I meant to get Matthew.
Mm. Good save.
I see you lusting after my perm.
So I guess we're not taking our shoes off?
- I'll go get your brother. - Brother?
I have no brother.
You're just the father of my nephew,
the son of my mother,
my male sister.
I get it. I get it, all right?
I was wrong to think
I could take care of Michael without you.
Ruby and I have fallen
into a pretty good rhythm here.
She might be my new brother.
Here's all your stuff.
And you know what?
I'm keeping your deodorant for rent.
Ruby, can I have a private conversation, please?
Hey, this is a common area!
God!
I'm gonna go hit the tub!
Well, if I come back,
what's in it for me?
I don't know, to be honest.
What I do know is that Michael needs you back at home.
Man, I need you back at home.
You've given me a lot to think about.
I'm gonna take a day, and I'm gonna weigh my options.
You must leave!
Okay, let's try and make this work.
Cool, thank you, man.
Hey, guys, thanks for coming in.
Your email said you had our paychecks.
Right, yeah, well, uh...
the truth is, I brought you guys in here
for something better than paychecks.
- Mm. - Apologies!
Guys, look, none of my dreams
have ever really come true,
and working at my dad's gym just
made me feel like a failure.
So that's why I sold it.
And I kept you guys in the dark because I figured
I could handle it on my own,
but now I know that I can't.
Ah, Vince, Vincent, come on,
we've all done stuff we're not proud of.
I once lied at a restaurant
and said it was my birthday just to get a free cupcake.
And I pushed Sterling K. Brown
down a flight of stairs so I could get the role in "OJ."
And who was at the bottom?
Ryan freakin' Murphy.
Okay, so I guess what I did was somewhere
in the middle of those two things,
but, uh...
my biggest apology is to the person I hurt the most.
Thank you.
But if you're trying to get out of hosting my butt-vodka party,
you are sorely mistaken.
Anthony Scaramucci just RSVP'd.
Britney...
not you.
Michael.
Look, I realized that
not telling you guys about Michael
probably made it seem like I was embarrassed of him.
But that's not true.
I'm embarrassed of myself
and of what you guys probably thought about me
not taking care of my only son.
I'm sorry.
To... I was gonna... Okay.
- Okay... - Yeah, sorry it's not better.
- It just felt really weird. - Fathers and sons reuniting,
uncles hovering nearby,
nothing could ever ruin this moment.
- Sorry to interrupt. - Unbelievable!
- No, no one help me. - Whoa.
- Ooh. - Yeah, okay. Heh.
- I got it. - You got it? Okay.
Yes. I got it.
- Oh! - Okay, jeez!
All right, here, here, just take my hand.
What do you do for an encore, sweetheart?
Dana, you could've just told us from over there.
You're wasting everyone's time.
You still need $5,000 by the end of tomorrow,
otherwise Vince is going to lose the gym.
Wait, wait, wait.
What about our membership drive?
We were out there forever.
My nose got sunburnt.
You made $200. $50, if you count
all of the promotional taffy that you ate.
Hey, other people ate it too.
I wasn't the only one, so don't...
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
It's okay, guys, relax.
I think I know another way to get the money.
Please take care of him.
And unplug him one night a week,
just to let the processor cool.
Oh, well, we're gonna destroy it on camera
for our YouTube channel, BlammoBoys.
Yeah, we bring Christ to people
through exploding stuff.
- You what? - Hey.
Vince, did you hear that?
It's okay. Just get out of here.
Matthew, Vin-kent,
let's play a game...
So what are we gonna do with the space?
Bam! Pretty awesome, huh?
- Your own room. - Oh, my God!
This has some serious potential.
I'm picturing a tasteful candelabra,
black, velvet curtains.
You know, dark elegance.
Cool. Here's all your mess.
And if any of it makes its way outside of the room,
goes in the garbage.
Now, please go help your uncle make dinner.
I have the funniest apron.
It says, "I like cooking with wine.
Sometimes I even add it to the food."
Me? Help with dinner?
I've never done that before.
But you know who would do a really great job
- helping with dinner? - Oh, nice try, Tom Sawyer.
Look, I worked all day,
saved my gym, built you this room.
I'm father of the year.
Now I'm gonna go fall asleep watching "SportsCenter,"
so please, go help your uncle make dinner.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com