For a film about fighting,
there's no much blood in Gladiator.
There's no that much fighting either.
We can skip this bit.
Stroking the wheat like a numpty.
So, if you were a gladiator,
what sort would you be?
Tiger.
Which human gladiator?
What weapon would you have?
Sword and shield.
The classic combination.
Stab, stab, hide!
Nah.
Remember that bit back in Africa?
The guy with the fork and the net.
I'd be him.
Aye, and then I'd stab you with my sword,
and hide.
Fork and net could beat sword and shield, no bother.
Bollocks.
Prove it.
Right!
First off, that's a daft wee fork.
~ Net! ~ I wasn't ready!
~ And... fork! ~ Argh!
That's my favourite bollock!
So I've been doing the old end of tour ammo audit...
Yawn, boo, dull.
.. and I've found a few tiny discrepancies I'd like you to sign off on.
Discrepancies?
Everyone makes the odd mistake, don't they?
The fog of war, and all that.
The cloud of combat.
The mist of mislaying two dozen mortar shells.
So here, here, and here.
Sorry, three cases of missing flares from the first week of November?
Makeshift firework night.
Bickie?
Oh, I try to avoid refined sugar.
Course you do.
Next to these missing 7.62 rounds, it says...
.."barbecue"?
The goats in question did look a BIT Taliban-y.
Well, they had beards.
Sir, these aren't tiny discrepancies.
I'm not willing to just fudge the paperwork.
Course not! Well within your rights. But...
.. please?
Don't make me say "pretty please".
I'm sorry, sir, if mistakes have been made then those responsible
should be made to face the consequences.
Pretty please?
I have a team meeting.
Good work, Captain Best. Carry on.
~ OK, not much to discuss today. ~ Brilliant. Can we go?
Not until we've worked through the agenda.
Yeah! Wait for the agenda, Mac.
Item one. Towerblock and I will be conducting ANA training.
Or, "Hey, you Afghan twats, stop poking bombs with a stick."
They have some very promising operators, actually.
So, item one, check!
Item two.
Any other business?
Did we really need an agenda?
Can we go now, please?
Er, well, I suppose we've...
Yeah, erm... Dismissed.
Right, better get a move on.
Sorry, Simon, can you...?
Help? Sure!
~ I could carry that for you? ~ I've got it.
Er... Simon?
Stay.
So, boss.
Are you going to do the whole "sick husband" routine, then?
I'm sorry?
I thought all female ATOs did this?
Well, you know how the ANA don't think that women should work,
but you say your husband's sick and he ordered you to get a job,
and then, for some mental reason, they respect you.
But I'm not married, so...
Yeah, it's a tactical lie.
To get the job done.
If you can't get a job done without lying,
then you're not doing that job properly.
"H" to the "T" to the "S".
Honesty leads to trust, leads to success.
Have you met the ANA, boss?
It'll be "A" to the "N" to the "no fucking way".
You ready?
Aye.
Stab stab hide!
~ Stab, stab! ~ Net!
Oh!
Aah, ooh!
And...fork!
Argh, ma other bollock!
Bird...
do you think the boss is behaving oddly?
You mean, since you started totally fancying her?
~ Pfft! That's too ridic... No! ~ You so do, Simon. ~ No.
You are harbouring sexual tension.
(No.)
Says the man trying to wank off his SA-80.
But... oh, yes, well, OK. OK.
The boss is, purely objectively, a very attractive woman.
If she were a civilian, would I notice her? I might well do.
But this is the army, so I do not notice her.
Right.
Good.
Could I imagine... being with someone not unlike her?
Say... enjoying a sharing platter at a local gastro pub?
Waking up every morning, next to her,
waiting for little Denise, and...
Simon Jr to scamper in? No.
Because she is an officer, and I am not.
And some of us, Bird, respect boundaries.
Oh, so you're having a go at me now?
~ No, what happened between you and Nick is entirely your own business. ~ Oh, thank you!
No matter how unprofessional and sordid it was.
So, I do not need lessons from you on how not to fancy the boss.
Which I don't anyway, so...
~ You know she's totally into you? ~ What? Oh.
No. That's terrible.
Yeah!
But... since you saved her from that grenade,
it's basically inevitable.
Is it?
Look, I never told anyone this,
but the reason me and Nick happened?
We did this exercise where he had to rescue me, and it totally got to me.
We HAD to shag,
otherwise sexual tensions would've ruined unit cohesion.
~ So you're saying that me and the boss, we need...? ~ No! ~ No.
No, because, like with me and Nick,
that would be sordid and unprofessional.
Now, you need to talk to her.
Yeah, get everything on the table,
~ so you can take it off the table. ~ Ha!
Otherwise we have sex on that table.
Her on top, obviously.
Rank hath its privileges.
No, it's operational purposes...
~ Mm-hm. ~ .. to clear the air.
Why did people ever abandon net and fork?
Best melee weapon ever.
Something better must've come along.
Who came after the Romans?
Huns.
Vandals. Vikings, eventually.
Well, there you go. Vikings.
An axe would beat a net and fork.
You starting something, pal?
We can't start without Faruq to translate.
S'all right, Boss. I've got a bit of Pashto.
Oh, really? Fantastic!
Sahr pikheyr.
That's it, I'm out.
Oh. Well, that was...
Where is Faruq?
Well, he ripped me off on some DVDs, so he's probably avoiding me.
Oh, speak of the twat.
Oi, you!
I asked for two series of Top Gear.
~ Yes. ~ And not Chinese Top Gear.
Proper Top Gear.
Why would I want Chinese Jeremy Clarkson in a crappy Chinese car,
being racist about the British?
Although...
Chinese Richard Hammond is PROPER funny.
Alas, I cannot discuss business.
For I am on strike.
You what?
~ You bell-end! ~ OK, Faruq, can you tell...
Again, alas, no.
I am on strike.
Er... why?
Today, I heard about my long-awaited UK visa.
~ Oh, so now you're all sorted, you're just going to slack off? ~ No.
I am on a non-priority wait list.
They hope to issue my visa by 2022!
Roughly six years after the Taliban kill me...
for helping you.
Well, I'm sorry to hear about that. But that's just how the system works.
It's not our fault, there's nothing we can do about it.
Fine. Then it is not your fault there will be no translating today.
It's just how the system works.
THO-O-OOR!
NE-E-E-ET!
Whoa, whoa! I'm dizzy!
And... FO-O-O-ORK!
Er...boss?
Can I have a word?
Sure.
It's come to my attention that...
.. certain things have... happened,
and those things
have had... effects.
Sorry, what things?
And it's best that we put those effects on the table,
in case unit cohesion
becomes unit de-hesion... un-hesion.
I don't know the right word.
Magnets!
Magnets cohere.
But it is the wrong type of cohesion.
So, we must be like
two magnets,
with the wrong ends facing so that they repel.
You KNOW what I mean.
So there, it was... it was on the table
and now it's off the table.
It's over.
It's finished.
Magnets.
Thank you for your time.
It's been a long tour for Simon, hasn't it?
It's been a long life.
Ah, Captain Best, would you mind signing this leaving card?
Oh. Who's it for?
Biffa, the chef.
Much loved.
But we're all leaving. We're handing over the base to the ANA.
This is the first of many, so chop chop!
Sign here, here, here.
Bloody moths.
No, fair enough. Carry on!
Simon.
~ What happened? ~ Oh, sorted.
~ All out in the open. ~ Mmm... Not what Towerblock said.
What?! He was listening?
He said you made bollock-all sense. You kept going on about magnets.
I... hmm. I may have mentioned a magnet.
~ OK, well, the boss didn't have a clue what you were talking about. ~ Oh.
You need a new approach.
Do I? Right.
OK. We know she likes you.
No-one can say that's not true.
But she's in far too much denial to admit it.
Ah... she's resisting.
So you need to make yourself...
irresistible.
How, how do I do that?
Find out what she likes in a man, and be that man.
~ You need to speak to her roommate. ~ Right.
That's you!
Bird...
what does she like in a man?
Well, since you ask, Simon,
she often says the thing she misses the most, being in the army, are
intellectual, sensitive men, who...
.. who like animals.
This poor cow and its inverted uterus!
I saw that once on a cat...
.. after my mate Stevie shoved a Hoover up its arse.
Are you all right, Simon?
It's just so moving.
And intellectually stimulating.
Like a sad crossword.
OK, Towerblock, confirming disruption. I'm on my way back.
'Roger that, boss.
'Have a nice paddle.'
So, the device is much bigger than I expected.
Four containers of HME, circa 30 kilos each, so...
~ 'Oh, mint!' ~ I'm going to need some more pulleys.
'Boss.'
Oh, boss, PLEASE can we blow it in situ? Please, please, please?
No, because then we'd destroy the bridge
that the engineers are coming to fix.
Yeah. The Wedge love a challenge!
Thank you.
Boss on the move!
Skip!
We've got a dicker.
He's not stopping.
Ma'am.
Getting chatter on ICOM.
OK, Rocket, if I give the word, take him out.
Wait!
It's just Faruq.
Should I still shoot him, skip?
No.
Hello, my friends!
Not a dicker, just a dick.
You not on strike any more then?
I am merely bringing refreshments for the ANA.
Oh!
Behold, sorbets!
I have mango, opium, chicken.
Oh!
Bit more on ICOM.
Faruq, you want to help us out here?
Ah. Sadly, I remain on strike.
Oh, then you won't be able to translate this!
~ Contact! ~ Contact! ~ Contact!
Boss!
ICOM'S going mental! Faruq, what are they saying?
Take it!
Faruq, will you stop being a bell-end?
The barren spinster...
.. is by the river.
They are trying to capture Captain Ellen!
Simon! Six o'clock, in the river!
They are retreating.
~ Are you OK, boss? ~ Fine.
Much as I hate to say it, Faruq just saved your arse, there.
Faruq?
Don't worry, ma'am, I was all over your arse.
~ Er, no, I meant an eye on the... ~ Yes, thanks, Simon.
Towerblock, if Faruq wasn't on strike, we'd be aware of the threat in the first place.
I'm just saying, maybe we should try and sort his visa.
If Faruq stays on strike, we can't do training,
ops are compromised.
At least ask the Colonel about it, boss.
Look, if you think you can do something about it, then be my guest.
Chicken... not nice.
Should've gone for the opium.
Eurgh!
~ Sir. ~ At ease, Corporal.
Now, what can I do for you?
Sir, it's about Faruq's visa.
He won't get it until 2022.
By which time the Taliban will be
using his skull as a novelty commode.
Tricky.
Trouble is, Captain Best didn't exactly give him a glowing reference.
So, if he had a better reference...?
Who knows?
Well, I do.
He'd get put on the priority wait list and get a visa within weeks.
Here's his application, should anyone wish to...
reconsider matters.
He hasn't helped himself, mind.
Look at his CV!
"Interpreter, salesman...
"crooner"?!
Well, who hasn't pimped their CV a bit?
Mine says that I'm a team player who's good with people!
Now piss off, you twat!
See?
I'm not sure this is going to work.
About-turn on that medal.
What woman doesn't love the sight of glistening muscles?
Oh, God, I smell like a bloody chip shop.
Trust me, Simon. I'm close to jumping you myself.
Right.
Aah!
~ All right? ~ Yes...
Listen, you know how you said Faruq's visa wasn't our fault?
Well... it is.
How? I wrote him a nice, honest reference.
Which is exactly why they won't let him in the country.
Well, it's too late to change it now.
And even if it isn't, it's against my principles to just lie.
Yeah. I mean, you know what the Taliban do
to 'terps that they capture, but...
your principles, yeah, they come first.
Yeah, I get that, ma'am, I really fucking get it.
Cha-a-a-a-arge!
Whoa-oh!
Whoa!
And fork!
Not the bollocks!
Oh!
Ma nipples!
Ah, Captain Best.
What can I do for you?
I would like to file a new reference for Faruq,
to help with his visa.
Impossible, sadly, the application's in the system now.
~ But Towerblock said... ~ Unless...
if there had been a mistake with the paperwork,
I'm sure people would understand.
Fog of war, and all that.
Sir, I have made a...
.. mistake, with Faruq's reference.
Really?
Gosh!
That's not like you.
No, it's not. It's really, really not.
But I, accidentally...
.. filed a reference meant for someone else.
Are you sure?
I've got a copy here.
Let's have a little look.
"His attitude to property is morally flexible."
Yes, I did write that.
But that is actually...
.. Mac's end of tour appraisal.
Really?
Ah, well of course.
"His spoken English is passable at best." That does make sense.
This is the correct one.
"He is an exemplary colleague, and trusted friend."
What a contrasting tone.
So, you want to swap the two?
If it wouldn't be too much trouble, sir.
Oh, I've just remembered.
I've got a paperwork-related problem, too.
Now, what was it again?
Oh, yes.
The ammunition audit!
You couldn't just append your signature here, here...
and here,
could you?
~ Certainly, sir. ~ Mmm.
Thank you, Captain.
And I will just do...
this.
There.
That wasn't so bad, was it?
No, sir.
Carry on.
Romance?! Really?
What can I say? We're roomies.
She likes a bit of candlelight, a bit of music.
Simon, it's for the good of the team.
No, I am SHIT at romance.
Once, for Charlotte, I put a hundred candles in our bedroom.
FYI...
it takes seconds for a polycotton duvet to be consumed by flame, so...
She actually said your name in her sleep last night.
You...
"Oh, Si-i-imon...
"Si-i-imo-o-o-on!"
Oh, God.
Poor Ellen.
Yeah, poor Ellen.
Poor, poor Ellen.
I suddenly really need the toilet.
I'm not having...
Taking a piss.
And not a... sex piss.
The hand will remain stationary at all times.
And so, the decline of the Roman Empire remains a mystery.
Bollocks!
There's no way that net and fork's any good.
An army that marches with net and fork is invincible.
As I will prove,
when we get back to base.
You're on.
Mr Towerblock.
I have a present for you!
The puddings of Yorkshire!
Oh, mint! Where'd you get them?
You don't want to know.
And you probably don't want to eat them.
But is the thought that counts!
Sort-of-cheers, Faruq.
No, thank YOU.
For, this morning, I have heard that my visa is being fast-tracked.
Kilmarnock, here I come!
Kilmarnock?
Hmm. You'll be begging to come back within a month.
Ah, Captain Ellen!
For you!
The Great Chinese Bake Off!
Thanks!
I am now back to work!
Right. Well, could you get our ANA colleagues to have a look at what I've pulled out of the ground?
With much pleasure!
Oh, boss, you care to join me?
Oh, sorry. IED report.
What do you want, Simon?
I just wanted to...
We should actually be sitting...
It doesn't matter.
~ Ooh, got some flowers. ~ ♪ I need some love like I've never needed love before
♪ Wanna make love to ya, baby
♪ Had a little love
~ ♪ Now I'm back for more... ♪ ~ There we are.
~ ♪ Wanna make love to ya, baby... ♪ ~ OK, clearly we DO need to talk.
Faruq, shhh!
There's been too much dishonesty recently,
~ so I want you to be completely straight with me. ~ OK.
Do you find me attractive?
No! The opposite of that.
OK... and thanks, by the way.
So, you're sure you don't have any feelings for me?
Oh! Is this what you're getting from all this? Huh!
Because if you do, that's OK.
~ Is it? ~ Yes. ~ Then I do!
I really do! I...
I think I love you, Captain Best!
But...I'm your superior officer, so you must get over them.
~ I could go to Sandhurst, to be a Captain too. ~ No.
Or I could... quit the army,
right now.
I resign.
I resi-i-i...
There!
I'm free of the army.
No, you're in breach of uniform regulations! Get a grip, Corporal!
But...
you have feelings for me too...
.. don't you?
I respect you very much as a soldier,
but beyond that, no.
But I saved your life!
~ And you were doing your job. ~ (Twice!) ~ Both times.
So, I'm sorry that you feel this way, Simon,
but I do not, will not, and cannot reciprocate.
~ Clear? ~ Ma'am.
♪ Whatever I said, whatever I did
♪ I didn't mean it
♪ I just want you back for good
♪ Want you back
♪ Want you back for go-o-od
♪ Whenever I'm wrong... ♪
She loves me not.
What the fuck did you make me do?
Oh, it was therapy!
~ If I hadn't done all that, you'd be hung up on her for years, like with Charlotte. ~ But...
Now, you can move on.
Find someone new.
There's no-one.
There will be.
Someone on your level. Someone who shows an interest in you.
Fucking hell!
Not me, you dickhead!
~ Oh, God! ~ Oh, God!
Oh, God!
(Oh, God.)
Oh!
Rifle's no fair!
It's got to be a melee weapon!
Fix bayonets.
OK...
but no bullets.
That'd be cheating.
On my signal,
unleash he-e-e-e-ell!
Argh!
My net!
Ah!
Ah, shit! No!
Oh.
Help!
Well...
that answered that question.
Fork!
Fork, fork, fork!
Fork!
Fork! Fork...