Boss. Do you know what's going on?
100 soldiers...
...are running about.
Do you need more detail than that?
Why are you so perky?
Well, when you've had a kid, 0500 feels like a lie-in.
Don't know why we have to clear compounds at 5am.
You know the drill - it's a time of our own choosing.
It's not a time of my choosing.
I'd choose teatime.
After a wank...
and a scone.
Boss, I know you went to boarding school,
but that's not what a cream tea is.
Ripped By mstoll
(KNOCKS)
Tired, boss? Been up all night reading?
You what?
The books I lent you.
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo trilogy.
Enjoying them?
I'm enjoying not having bothered to read them,
despite your continual insistence that I should.
Right. Can I have them back, then?
What, now?
We're on an operation... ya knob.
(SIGHS)
He's in one of his moods.
Shite. We need him sharp for the pub quiz tonight.
We have got to win tonight!
Cos then we get to keep the Goblet of Ultimate Knowledge!
He hasn't been himself since Mary left.
Yeah. He just called me a knob.
But that's normal, Simon.
It was the way that he did it. With real contempt.
But that's normal, Simon.
ATO! Burling!
Boss! Boss!
Cat A! Head-high tripwire. Room five.
Another day, another unfucking.
Tatty-bye, darlings...
...and Simon.
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Where the fuck is he? Where the fuck is he?
Wait, don't get too close!
Shit! Shit! Shit, shit, I'm going to die!
- NICK: OK, everyone, calm the fuck down. - Sir.
- There's a fucking tripwire! - Yes.
Breathe.
I'm the ATO, this is what I do.
OK, you two, out!
Me and Mr Pissy Pants here need some privacy.
(WHIMPERS)
What's your name, Private?
Alderton, sir. Pete. Pete. Pete.
Listen, Pete.
You're going to be just fine.
But you will shit yourself every time you hang up the washing.
- (PETE MOANS) - OK, now, Pete,
I need you to keep... your head... still.
- Yeah. - Don't nod!
Don't nod.
This wall...
...it's full of explosives.
So don't move your fucking head.
I'm going to let go, cos I have to gag the peg.
Oh.
- No! No, no, no. - (MOANS)
Let's just... We'll just do it this way. Yeah?
(PETE MOANS)
Oh, Pete, you are making this really difficult.
Maybe we'll finally get a round on genital deformities.
OK, OK. What's it called if you've got three balls?
Freaky fucking shit?
The medical name.
Medics would call that "freaky fucking shit".
This is not helping. We need...
(EXPLOSION)
(SHOUTING)
It's Private Alderton. Wait!
- And Nick! - Shit!
- Fucking hell! - Stupid bastard!
OK, you need to go in. What's your threat assessment?
- The route's clear. I'm going in. - OK. Go, go, go!
Whiskey 54 Bravo, this is Bluestone 42. Number 2's on his way in.
Come over here. Now drop that.
I need you to focus.
OK, hold that.
Boss! Boss!
Oh, you stupid, stupid bastard!
NICK: I didn't fuck up.
What? What happened?
I didn't fuck up.
- Boss! - Get back!
- Boss! - Get back! We need space. Get back!
Putting in an airway.
Hello, Zero Bravo, this is Charlie One Alpha. MISTAT. Over.
(RESPONSE OVER RADIO)
Charlie One Alpha, Zap Number - Mike Echo 1828. Mike. IED 1460...
...Sierra, Alpha...
Nick!
- Is he all right? - What do you fucking think?
OK, OK! Did he say anything?
"I didn't fuck up."
That's not how it bloody looks, though, is it?
We're being stood down.
Fuck!
Sir, any news?
Just heard from Bastion - he's still critical, I'm afraid.
You're offline for 48 hours to see the padre.
Simon, Bird, get his kit packed up.
Towerblock, the SAT is inbound. He'll want a full report.
Mac, Rocket, bone up on your trivia ready for the quiz.
It's still on, sir? With Nick in hospital?
Of course. The questions are sitting on my desk.
I presume you want to win the Goblet of Ultimate Knowledge
once and for all, fair and square?
Nick would have liked that.
Aye. We will win that cup fair and squ...
- We will win that cup. - Good.
So, quiz tonight. Five rounds of questions which are,
as I say, on my desk.
Carry on.
Thanks, Padre.
So you've been working together for a while now.
I expect you've grown quite close?
Yes, very.
I liked him.
Not sure he liked me.
And he was quite rude to me.
So not close at all, really.
- I see. - No, he was a good ATO,
but if you lent him, say, a book,
or a trilogy of books, you wouldn't get them back.
Sorry, no, this is no time to speak ill of the...
Actually, do we... is he? Do we know, is he?
Still critical, as far as I know.
Good. I mean, not good.
Good. I mean, good as in...
It's good that he's not... you know.
- Sweetie? - Please!
Corporal House.
SAT... Sir. Sorry.
I was miles away.
Call me Mike. This is the WISWO, Edgeways.
Edgeways, Corporal House.
Edgeways?
Cos he can't get a word in edgeways.
Is there, um, any word from Bastion?
Well, Sheffield Wednesday got stuffed 3-0,
but I suppose you're not asking me about that.
Nick's still in theatre.
So we'll need the first look report today,
and then a full report in a couple of days.
But I haven't...
I know this is your first one, so I'll hold your hand through it.
But not like that, I'm not a Marine!
So let's start with the layout of the room.
Well, he must have fucked up, mustn't he?
You know, he cuts corners.
He's not been himself for the last few weeks. He...
Yeah, he probably thought, "Sod it, I'll just not bother today," eh?
We don't let the cowboys become operators.
Except Edgeways, fucking chancer!
Sometimes... it's just back luck.
It can't just be random.
I want to be an operator, not play Russian roulette.
He must've done something...
Well, deal with this incident like an operator.
And that'll be a big tick in the box.
Or you can deal with it like a daft twat,
and that'll be a tick in the box marked "daft twat".
So do the plan, and then we'll get the witnesses in.
We need the quiz questions.
You want quiz questions? Afghan version of Trivial Pursuit.
Fun for all the family. Except the women, of course.
We need the actual questions, Faruq.
Ah...
Ah!
Didn't the Colonel say that he'd left the quiz questions on his desk?
I think he's just made a very silly mistake.
Yeah, great. Stick it with the others.
Bird, go and see the padre.
Fuck off!
I'm not having some sky pilot telling me this was all part of God's plan.
- You must be feeling that every... - I don't know how I'm feeling!
So how would you know?
Fine.
So who do you think we're going to get?
New ATO, I mean.
Bloody hell, Bird, you move on quick!
Nick's not even cold in his...
...hos-hospital bed.
Wow, and I move on quick?
People get replaced, Simon. The Army's kind of set up for that.
Well, at times like this I think Nick would want us to...
Oh, brilliant, my book!
Oh, well, one of them, at least.
Fuck's sake!
He's ruined it!
No respect.
Yeah, let's focus on the real tragedy of today. Your book.
One, two, three, four...
(JAUNTY MUSIC)
What's it say?
It's a to-do list.
One - wash socks.
Two - place quiz questions in safe.
Three - place keys in...
pizza oven.
So we need to wash our socks.
Interesting.
We had a boy like you in my village.
We left him in the mountains.
Nice.
I like mountains.
We won't get Stephens, too young.
Or Best, she's going home. Thank fuck!
It will be Moncur.
Mmm. Shame - it would have been nice to have a woman in the team.
You've already got one!
Yeah, well...
I suppose so.
What do you mean, "I suppose so"? Do you want me to get my tits out?
Urgh! No!
- What do you mean, "Urgh! No! "? - It's...
Oh, great, Towerblock! You alreet, lad?
Any news?
Has Nick shuffled off into...
...into the recovery ward?
Still in theatre.
What about a new ATO? The SAT said anything?
I think his exact words were that he won't know
until he's "waded through a river of Army shitocracy".
Right.
Anyway, we're going back to the compound
but I said you wouldn't want to go cos you must be feeling...
Oh, can people stop telling me how I must be feeling?!
Why? Does that make you feel angry?
(SNIGGERS)
Let's go.
So what's it looking like? Did Nick fuck up?
Did someone else fuck up?
Dunno. The SAT says it was just bad luck, but...
But what?
It can't be.
If it's just random, then this whole job's just a roll of the dice!
If no-one fucked up, then...
Then we're fucked, aren't we?
What makes you think we're not fucked?
Does paper beat key?
Paper beats rock, numpty.
And this must be a combination lock.
Paper does not beat rock.
I think you have never been to a stoning.
Well, this is it.
If you need to take a moment, Bird.
I'm actually fine, OK?
I just...
Um, I need to take a moment.
Oi.
We should get to work.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's find what's left of this device.
What?
Device? Singular?
At the risk of sounding like Yoda, open your fucking mind, you must.
That's in the director's cut, is it?
Sorry.
You're assuming that there was only one device
that Nick was working on, that Nick must've triggered.
Because you're assuming he fucked up.
Because nothing that we've found so far is suggesting that he didn't!
Or that he did!
Could be two devices. Could be two triggers.
You know this stuff.
Heading for the daft twat box, you are.
Now get out, reboot, and fucking come back in again.
You too, eh?
Yeah.
I've got to clear my head.
Just don't know what's up with me.
I do.
You've got a kid.
Eh?
You're thinking, you don't want to be an operator
if you can do everything right and still randomly get turned into pink mist.
Not fair on your sprog.
Yeah...
Maybe that's it.
So, moral of the story?
Keep an open mind.
No!
Never have kids!
(LAUGHS)
Better get back in.
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling like I really don't want to talk about it.
Personal.
Work. Work.
Very personal.
God!
Personal. Oh, God!
(SHOUTS) You're kidding me!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Bloody hell!
Everything all right, Corporal?
This is... This is a medal. He's, uh... Medal?
Yes. He was writing you up for one.
For the night-time ambush, when you fixed bayonets.
Medal.
Yes. You'll find out in a month.
So, till then, keep it under your hat.
Or helmet, I believe they're called.
Carry on.
(CHUCKLES)
4-3-6-2.
X marks the spot!
A plan of the base!
My cousin in the Taliban has this map.
Don't worry, it's probably not for work.
Oh!
And then they have to find a combination lock.
Keeping them busy.
What's the first rule?
Keep them busy.
I once spent ten hours sitting in a boiling ISO in Basra,
waiting to hear if my Sergeant Major would pull through.
Didn't enjoy it.
Good to give them a run-around.
So, when they have the map, then they can find this key.
Oh, shitsticks! Already?
I've got ten seconds before they realise they've got the map the wrong way round.
BOTH: Ah!
Padre.
Sir.
Sir, it's taped up.
- He had rendered it safe. - So?
He didn't fuck up.
So, what did happen?
Um...
OK, a...
A secondary, or... two triggers.
Two... tripwires. The head-high one here and then...
the other...
It must've been here.
So Nick gags the peg, he sorts out the head-high wire,
but Alderton's so all over the place that he goes for the wrong door,
hits the second tripwire and...
And today's special is the shit sandwich.
Ah.
Um, thanks for coming here, Padre.
Cos this has to be in total confidence.
So, I went to where it happened, and do you know what I felt?
I felt glad. Like Nick deserved it.
Only for a moment,
but I thought, "Yeah, yeah, this feels like God's plan."
- I'm not sure that's... - Um, not finished.
Ever since me and Nick shagged...
You as well?! Um, I mean, sorry, do go on.
Thank you.
He's cast this lanky, condescending shadow over me,
my place in the team, my career...
So you feel glad?
Not now, sicko! For a moment! Obviously I'm not glad he's hurt.
I just think not seeing him for a bit is going to be good for me.
Let's just hope he pulls through.
Oh, he'll be fine. Always is.
As soon as he comes round, he'll be trying to fuck a nurse
with his "best mate Steve" story.
Hmm.
Cheers, Padre.
What? Where are the questions?
Ooh, hello, chaps, didn't expect to see you here!
BOTH: Sir!
- Um, no... - We were we just...
I presume you're here to help me ball my socks?
Um...
- Aye. - No.
I mean... aye!
Right, what's next on the old to-do list?
"Hide quiz questions in safe." Ooh, that slipped my mind.
Here they are on the desk, under the to-do list.
- (WHISPERS) Stupid! - Ah, right!
- What the hell are you doing? - You were leading us to the questions!
No, I was keeping you busy! If you want to win
the Goblet of Ultimate Knowledge, you win it fair and square.
Now, finish balling my socks!
So it wasn't an error of drill or an error in drill.
It was just some guy... panicking.
- Bad luck? - Kind of.
But bad luck that you can understand.
And not random.
Anything else?
- Just some paperwork for the WISWO. - WISWO.
Couple of IED reports, some requisition forms and, oh,
an honours nomination form. Now, that's got in the wrong pile.
What? Someone's getting a medal?
Oh, must be.
Nick was writing you up for a medal?
- What?! - Oh? Was he?
Oh, yeah!
Probably best not to mention that to anyone.
You just mentioned it. Medal!
Yeah. Medal.
I haven't got one yet, so...
Yeah, I think we're done here.
OK, lads. I just spoke to Bastion. Nick's lost his leg at the knee.
- Fuck! - But he's going to make it, right?
Still a bit touch and go.
He's back in theatre. More internal bleeding.
We should know more in an hour.
Let's go get a brew - wait this out together, eh?
I stabbed someone in the eye that night.
Why didn't I get a fucking medal?
I can't believe we are seriously doing the fucking pub quiz.
What else are we going to do? Sit in the Det and wait for him to die?
- He might not die. - Fucking hell, Simon!
- C'mon, Medal, leave it out! - I can say that
because he respected me.
So, quiz time!
- Quizwo! - Sir, do you think we really should?
Round one - current affairs.
Which now-monopedal ATO has stabilised
after his operation in Bastion and is expected to pull through?
(THEY CHEER)
Oh, thank God. Thank fucking God.
Question two. Which infantry private
is expected to make a full recovery from his injuries?
(THEY CHEER)
Question three. Who will be Bluestone 42's next ATO?
Oh, I know this one. Captain Ellen Best.
Ooh, really, sir? I've heard she's a total try-hard...
...who realises I'm only saying things I don't mean
because it's the grief talking.
Hello, Bluestone 42.
A lot of grief. Hell of a lot. Corporal Bird.
Well, nothing wrong with being a try-hard.
Helps you be a "succeed-hard".
Absolutely. Lance Corporal Simon Lansley.
Corporal House, ma'am.
Private McDowell and Private Armstrong.
Wow! Three-man escort?
Well, Nick was a really big asset.
Although he's recently become a 20% smaller asset.
(THEY CHUCKLE)
I don't get it.
20% smaller.
(LAUGHS)
(IN POSH ACCENT) OK, Bluestone 42. Off we fuck!
(THEY LAUGH)
(NICK CHUCKLES)
Aw! It's from my team.
- That's nice. - Yeah.
"Get well soon."
Yeah, like my leg's going to grow back(!)
Yes!
They won the quiz!
The Goblet of Ultimate Knowledge.
That looks fairly unhygienic.
(HE LAUGHS)
Oh, the bunch of bastards!
Jelly amputee?
Still, you know... I'm the lucky one.
With my team,
my injury.
Not like my best mate... Steve.
Did I...
Did I mention Steve?
He was a good ATO.
No longer with us.
It was just outside Al Hartha...
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