Sync & corrections by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com
Oh god.
Why did you guys let me have tequila last night?
You know it makes me mean and scary.
Actually, I'm really looking forward to the drag queen re-enactment
of your epic speech at The Castro.
Oh god, no.
You also called Richie's boyfriend a Truvada whore.
- You were a fucking mess, girl. - Wait a second.
Did I throw up on a Hobbit last night?
- Oh my god. You mean Eddie? - Yeah.
I had to clean up all the vomit from his hairy feet.
- Oh, gross! - I'm so sorry.
And honestly, I did not mean to go off on all of you last night like that.
- Oh, really? - Oh, he didn't mean it, Dom.
- Dom, he didn't mean it. - To make up for it, you guys,
I smuggled in these scones from Tartine.
- Wow. That's a good start. - Who do you keep texting?
Oh. Oops. Malik.
Don't be mad at me, you should be happy.
I've had 17 orgasms in the last five days.
And I've had the pleasure of hearing, like, 15 of them.
All right, I have to tell him something really important. This is super-duper important.
A very important document I'm sending him
for a very high-powered meeting we're having.
Okay, give it here. No more texting.
Your tits are blurry.
I'm so fucking unbelievably embarrassed. What am I gonna do?
I'm gonna have to, like, move back home or leave the country or something.
Ooh! What'd he say?
It's from your Aunt Sarah.
Ugh.
- Oh, fuck. - Is everything okay?
My dad's dead.
Oh, fuck.
That's not my coffee.
I never got my coffee.
I so appreciate you coming with me.
Are you kidding? Of course.
He was like a dad to me.
He loved you so much.
My god, even after you told him that you were gay,
- he still wanted us to get married. - I know.
He even offered to pay for the ring.
- Oh, that's so... - You didn't know that?
He did, he did. God.
Oh, he was like, "You're her last hope."
Malik asked me if he could come and I told him no.
- Am I a monster? - No.
I just feel like I didn't know what I was gonna do with him in Modesto.
You know, we're gonna go on the tour of the Frito-Lay factory or something?
Oh my god, can we please go there? I love Frito Lays.
What the fuck, Prius? Go around.
Yeah, or, just thinking out loud here,
Dom, you could take the Volvo over, I don't know, what, 50 maybe?
You guys, thanks so much for letting me come.
I'm not sure what it says about me that I'm going to your dad's funeral
who I never even met when I should be at home
dealing with my own shit.
Well, I don't give a shit why you came. I appreciate it.
Don't hog the gummy worms, please.
So were you and your dad close growing up?
You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to.
What else are we gonna talk about? Uh...
He was a good dad. You know, he, um...
My main memory, actually, I was just thinking,
was how... was driving around in the middle of the night,
eating Tastee-Freez,
and waiting for my mom to pass out.
- She was a raging alcoholic. - Oh god, that's terrible.
But go on, I'm always interested in hearing about someone's childhood
that was potentially worse than mine.
Well, then I have a wonderful gift for you. Uh...
She used to come into my room in the middle of the night,
uh, drunk, and she would say,
"And where were you?"
And I'd say, "I was driving around with Dad."
And she'd say...
"Up yours with a meat hook!"
That's kind of charming.
Oh my god. Your childhood was definitely worse than mine.
Eh, it, you know, it gave me a sense of humor,
encouraged me to go into nursing.
Oh god. I can't believe we're back.
It's like nothing's changed. Just looks a little smaller.
Is someone staying at your dad's place? Is that why we're staying at a hotel?
No, I just didn't really feel like I was...
I was ready for all that yet. You know?
Plus, I've always wanted to stay at this Clarion.
- Really? - Really?
Really? Yeah, growing up I used to think the pool looked so rock star.
We are swimming in that pool, bitches. We're doing it.
I will definitely go swimming with you, Doris.
Even though my legs are painfully white at the moment.
Should we check in before we go to the funeral home?
No, I want to see him. I need to see him.
Oh god. Would you please take these away from me?
After I have one more, and then take them away.
And then when the nausea passes, give them back to me.
Okay.
Before you go back there, you need to know,
he may not look exactly the way you remember him.
I don't want to see the body. I really don't, actually.
- I've changed my mind. I don't want to. - Okay, okay, okay.
But I never went and saw my dad's, and I always regretted it.
Oh my god, are you making me feel guilty in a funeral home?
Thank you, that's very classy of you.
Okay. Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
Oh my god.
Oh, wow.
Oh my god. He's gone.
Oh, he's gone.
I know.
The only good thing about a heart attack is it's quick.
I hated that fucking suit.
Aunt Sarah was too fucking cheap to buy him a new one.
Hey.
Remember that time he...
caught us making out in your room listening to Wham!?
He was like, "I'm gonna make you kids some tuna fish sandwiches,
so you go to it."
Oh my god, he loved thumbs-up.
Big fan of the thumbs-up.
I should be honest with you and tell you that sometimes when we were making out,
I used to think about George Michael.
Well, just so you know, I did too.
God!
Oh, I hate how much makeup they put on him. It's gross.
Oh...
He kinda looks like a drag queen.
No...
I'm sorry.
Oh my god, I just spit. I'm sorry.
- Are you okay, Doris? - Yes, I am, thank you.
That was just very fucking surreal.
Do you want a neck rub?
What? A neck rub?
- I don't... Why? - I don't know.
You look like you might need one, and I give a good neck rub.
Okay. Yes. Yes, you know what? Yes.
- I would like one, actually. - There you go.
- I do... Oh, god. Yeah, thank you. - Yeah.
I'm just so surprised I didn't cry when I saw him.
You're in the middle of it right now. It's hard.
Can I get a hit of that? Of course.
Do you mind if we go for a drive?
I wanna show you guys something.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
As long as you keep doing that, yes.
I can't believe my dad's dream is now a donut shop.
Oh my god.
I just saw my dad's dead body, and this is more depressing.
In high school, I came to a place like this every afternoon,
and sat in a booth alone with a box of glazed, reading an "Out Magazine"
tucked inside a "Sports Illustrated."
Okay, your sad childhood is totally catching up to mine.
So close, it's passing me the baton.
Ooh.
Hi, three black coffees, please.
Three black coffees. Anything else?
Long John, cruller, chicken sandwich?
No, we're good, thanks.
Did you know this used to be a Portuguese diner?
What's that?
Uh, it's a diner where they serve Portuguese food.
Oh, that sounds super exotic.
Yeah. The food was really good, but it didn't work out.
It's a bad location.
Hope it works out for you.
Yeah, probably will.
We won best apple fritter in Modesto
for, like, ten years in a row, so...
I'll get your coffees.
I should have been able to make it work.
Oh, please, it's not your fault.
It was doomed from the start, honestly.
I mean, your dad kept track of the books on napkins, for Christ's sake.
Don't blame yourself.
You know what I think would make us feel a lot better?
- What? - Three of those apple fritters.
Fuck it, let's get a half dozen.
- Paddy... - I'm on it. Yep. I'll be right back.
- Did you see that? - I did.
That was sexy talk, there. Half dozen.
This pool is even better than I remember it.
What?
- I have to pee a little bit. - Okay.
But out of respect for Clarion Inns everywhere,
- I'm going to be holding it. - Amazing.
Oh my god, I said that, and a little tiny bit just came out.
Disgusting.
My father just died, okay? Give me a break, please.
What would guy do around here when you were growing up, besides drugs?
- God, what did we do? - Good question. What did we do?
Um... We went to the mall.
- Okay. - Oh my god, all the time.
- And movies. - Nice.
We had sex. Stuff like that.
Okay. I think I need to hear about the having sex.
It was... it was really good, actually.
Oh my god! Are you fucking kidding me?
- No, it was not. - What?
Why do I remember it being so good?
Yeah, maybe because you came all the time. I didn't come.
- That wasn't good for you? - Oh, Jesus.
You know that I loved you so much.
I loved you too. I still do. I do.
- Fuck you. - I really do.
I'm trying to be nice.
I once lightly fingered a girl in high school.
But, uh, I didn't really know what I was doing,
so I just put my finger in it. I think she liked it, though.
She did not like it, okay, and I'm sure she has a very
different memory of that evening.
Oh my god, Dom, if you make chicken this good,
- you'd be a huge success. - Now this is good chicken!
Fuck you both.
I just got a text from Malik.
- Oh. - "Thinking of you."
- Oh, man. - That's so fucking sweet.
- I really like him. - Yeah. I do too.
He's pretty fucking perfect.
I cannot get enough of that gorgeous black ass.
Believe me. It is too much.
- We should go out tonight. - Mm.
Do you want to visit anyone in your family before we see them at the funeral tomorrow?
Fuck no, I want to go do something fun.
Is there any chance there's a gay bar around here?
Or at least a Pinkberry where I can get some gay toppings? Basically anything gay.
- I know a place. - You do?
- I do. - Here?
Mm-hm.
Uh, best gay bar ever!
Oh my god, there's your dancing friend.
Oh, wow, totally.
Maybe I should just move to Modesto and become a bartender
at the Brave Bull and start dating Mr. Lonely down there.
Oh god, look at him.
Getting drunk, probably snuck out of his parents' house,
wearing his sister's jeans, thinking about killing himself,
obsessively listening to Evanescence.
Wait, whose life are we talking about?
'Cause I don't think the kids are listening to that these days.
God, I was so fucking lonely back then.
Patrick, you're one of my favorite people on Earth,
but I have a funeral that I have to go to in about, oh, 12 hours,
and you're kind of bumming me out. A little bit.
Sorry. You're right.
Could we get some drinks, please? Some more drinks?
Ooh, wait. We're running a special on strawberry daiquiris,
- 'cause we finally got a blender. - Yay!
- I think we'll have three Bud Lights. - Okay. No problem.
Suit yourself.
Hey, do you need me to do anything tomorrow, for the funeral?
Oh, I'm sure my Aunt Sarah has it all taken care of.
You know, she was sexually abused by my Uncle Bunny,
so she's all fucked up, but she was always a very good sister to my dad.
Oh my god.
Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!
- We are fucking dancing. - So are you.
Hey, you should ask your new boyfriend to dance. You'll make his day.
- There you are. - Hey!
By the way, if you're still here at 10:00, Kitty Leukemia is doing a Lady Gaga set.
- I'm just saying, stick around. - Cool.
Everybody loved George.
If my mother were alive today, she'd say, "Damn, my favorite child is gone."
And more than just being a great brother,
he was an amazing father
to Doris. He loved her so much.
I remember when she was born, he looked at me and he said,
"Wow. This makes everything worthwhile."
And from that moment on, they were attached at the hip, they went everywhere together.
And when he talked about her, his whole face would light up.
He was so proud when Doris joined the swim team.
He got up every morning at 5:00 a.m. and took her to practice,
and he never missed one of her meets.
He would scream so loudly when she won,
"That's the stuff, Big D, that's the stuff!"
And everybody would look at him.
Now, most kids would be embarrassed by this, but Doris didn't care.
She loved it. And every time she'd finish a race,
she'd lift her head and find her dad
in the crowd with his thumbs-up.
He was there for you then,
he was there for you when you moved away to San Francisco,
and even though... he won't be here now,
I tell you, Big D, he is going to always be with you in spirit.
And now, I would like to read a poem,
"Clear Midnight," by my brother's favorite, Walt Whitman.
"This is thy hour O Soul,
"thy free flight into the wordless,
"away from books, away from art,
"the day erased, the lesson done,
"thee fully forth emerging, silent, gazing,
"pondering the themes thou lovest best..."
Oh my gosh. It's a good turnout.
Free biscuits brings 'em out.
Hi. Oh, thank you. Thanks.
Everybody is in black.
- Oh my god. Oh my god. - We're such babies.
Yeah, fatso from Idaho. What is... Oh my god.
- How come no one told me I had a mullet? - I love this one.
You look great. Put something over it.
- Throw your coat over it, or something. - Doris, sweetie?
- Yeah. - How are you holding up?
Oh, Aunt Sarah, I'm okay.
That was a beautiful, beautiful speech.
I meant every minute of it.
Your dad was a royal pain in my ass,
but he was a great brother, and I loved him.
Dom, look at you!
Oh my god, you're so big and handsome.
- I'm coming right in. - Come right in.
It's so good to see you. I'm really sorry about George.
Mm... thank you.
Last week we had a big fight
about the politics of agricultural water in the Central Valley.
I can't even believe that's the last thing we talked about.
- He loved to fight about water. - Yeah.
Oh, sweetie, are you okay?
Everybody was so worried about you.
They kept asking me, "Who's the weird guy crying?"
Yeah, no. I'm fine, I'm sorry.
I don't know what came over me. It's my first funeral. So.
- Really? - Yeah, but beautiful speech.
Oh, thank you.
You two don't mind, do you, if I steal Dom away for a few?
Everybody wants to know what he's been doing for the last 20 years.
Oh my gosh, no. Please, it's fine.
You sure you don't want me to stay with you?
No, go. I'm so sick of you. Just get out of here. Just go. Go.
- It's fine, please. - Nothing's changed.
I can't believe I'm the weird guy.
Just embrace it.
Two, uh, scotch... Two scotches, neat, please.
Who's that?
Uh... it's no one.
God, my dad loved this place.
He worked so hard his entire life,
and then after he retired, he would come here every day
with his buddies and they would get a scotch and a hamburger
after they would golf.
Dear god, was he an awful, awful golfer.
- Cheers. - Cheers. Oh boy.
Oh! For the love of...
Could we do that again? Maybe throw some soda in mine, please.
Me too, I think.
I ended up staying here and marrying
- Diane Rogers from high school. - No kidding.
Yeah, this is us in Hawaii. Then this happened.
- They're yours? - My little guys. Yeah.
- Oh my god. - I hope they are.
Steve and Michael.
I can't believe you stayed here.
I thought for sure you'd end up working for one of those
- tech companies in Silicon Valley. - No.
I mean, thanks to you, everyone passed computer science.
I don't think I could handle the stress.
Plus, I like it here, you know? It's my home.
What about you? Did you and Doris finally get married?
Uh, no, we...
Actually, I'm gay.
Oh, wow, cool. Good for you.
I love that you're gay. That's great.
- Do you have a boyfriend? - No, not anymore.
I did. Sort of.
Yeah... That's great, man.
What are you doing for a living now?
I'm opening a restaurant.
- Like your dad. - Yeah.
If I come to San Fran, you gotta hook me up.
- Yeah, for sure. - Yeah.
So I just came out to Barry Foster.
- He manages this place. - You know what?
I think I remember my dad mentioning that. Ugh.
It's so sad that he never left here.
I don't know, he seems really happy.
He's got a good job, married, kids.
Hm...
What was it about this place again that I couldn't wait to get away from?
Oh, let's see. It was a freak show. We hated it.
We could not wait get the fuck out.
My god, just because it worked for Barry,
it does mean it would have ever worked for you.
Dom, if you would have stayed here... Jesus, your soul would have died.
Totally. And you'd be drunk and miserable every night at the Brave Bull,
and the only thing you'd have to look forward to
- is drag night with Kitty Leukemia. - Oh god, I guess you're right.
Before we head back home, you guys mind if we stop by my dad's grave?
Oh, no, of course.
I need to go in there and talk to some cousins.
I probably won't see them until somebody else dies, so...
get in there while they're alive and kicking.
- You all right? - Yeah, I'm good. How are you?
I'm okay.
I can't believe I can't find it.
What does it mean if you can't find your own dad's grave?
Oh, we are gonna find it, okay?
It's been a long time. It's been a long time. It makes sense.
Oh, fuck.
My dad's life's work has become a donut shop
and his own son can't find his grave.
- What kind of a fucking legacy is that? - We'll keep looking.
No, we can go. It doesn't even matter at this point.
There's just so much shit he never got to know about me.
I didn't even get to come out to him.
You could tell it to Dave Walker.
They all talk to each other.
I am sure that he would have been okay with it.
Fuck it. Let's go home.
Wait a second. I have an idea.
- Oh my god. - I think you gotta do it.
- Really? - Yeah.
- When, like now? - Make him hear you! Make him hear you!
I'm gay!
I'm gay, Dad!
He's gay, Mr. Basaluzzo!
I'm a big homo queer!
Oh my god, that was incredible!
- That felt so good! - I think he definitely heard you!
I can't believe we survived a funeral only to be sideswiped by a truck.
Yes, that was... completely fucked up.
Well, it's official, I'm an orphan.
We both are.
Your mom is alive.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
Anyway, I'll take care of you.
Hey, Dom.
My Aunt Sarah took me aside at the reception,
and she told me that my dad left me some money.
It's enough for your chicken window.
I want you to have it.
There is nobody that I'd rather invest in more than you.
You know that? 'Cause you're my family.
I don't know what to say.
Say yes.
Please.
- Okay. - All right. Good.
Oh, good. Good.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Are you... Don't kiss on me.
Just 'cause I give you money doesn't mean you can get all in my pants.
Dom, I'm so sorry about the car.
That truck came out of nowhere.
Don't worry about it. Insurance will cover it.
- Good. - How's your arm?
It hurts like hell.
I'm not gonna be able to masturbate for, like, two weeks.
- Oh, that's rough. - Yeah.
Doris.
- Hi. You okay? - No!
It's okay, baby.
You're okay.
- Malik, thank you so much for driving. - No problem.
And, uh, try not to do any unnecessary high-fiving.
Oh my god. How long have you been sitting on that one?
- Since we crossed the Bay Bridge. - I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay.
Buh-bye.
Bye. Thank you again.
- What the fuck's happened? - What are you doing here?
- Are you all right? - Yeah, I got into a car accident.
I called you, Patrick, you never picked up.
I know. I'm sorry. I just...
I've left Jon.
What?
I'm completely fucking in love with you.
And, uh, I want to know, do you want to give this a shot,
- just the two of us, together? - Yes.
- Yeah? Really? - Yes.
- Ow! - Oh, shit, I'm sorry! Sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
Sync & corrections by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com