This programme contains some strong language.
CHEERING
Good evening and welcome to Backchat.
This week we have the most fabulous line-up in store.
Joining me are the multi-talented comedian and actor
and the only man allowed to touch Simon Cowell's golden buzzer,
David Walliams. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And joining David, the undisputed king of the West End,
musical legend Michael Ball.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Yes, I know!
I know. Ball and Walliams on the same show.
Thank God I'm here to butch things up.
And, as ever, I'm also joined by the other member
of this two man company, the Wicked Witch of the West,
the Javert to my Jean Valjean, yes, ladies and gentlemen,
the Phantom of the Opera is here, my co-host Michael Whitehall!
MUSIC: The Phantom Of The Opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber
You can take your mask off now.
Are you excited about tonight's show, Daddy? No, not really.
A good start. Are you? Very excited. We have Michael Ball on,
probably the country's most celebrated musical star.
Sweeney Todd, Hairspray, Aspects Of Love.
Oh, he is a legend.
Now, I'm a big fan of musicals,
I don't know whether you'd ascertained that yet.
But, Daddy, you find musical theatre a bit hit and miss, don't you?
I hate musicals.
Why do you...? I don't understand. What do you mean "hit and miss"?
I don't like... I've always said I didn't like them.
Yeah, but why don't you like...?
This is how much my dad hates musicals, when we were kids,
we went to see The Lion King and my dad walked out.
How can you walk out of The Lion King? After 10 minutes as well.
To my dad, he still thinks that Mufasa is king.
What is...? Such a lie. It's not a lie, you did.
It is. I left in the interval, yes. Why though? Couldn't bear it.
It's the best musical ever. All that terrible singing and chanting.
What chanting? And then that horrible, piercing...
There was a sort of screeching bit in it. Traditional African music.
Which was like some man trying to get out of Broadmoor,
going through the bars going, "Argh!"
It was really, really bizarre. Weird.
Gross, I would say probably.
MUSIC: Circle Of Life by Elton John and Tim Rice
He doesn't mean it, Mufasa.
Now, we've also got the lovely David Walliams on the show.
My father is a big fan of David Walliams,
not because of his comedy but because David is living proof
that you can appear to all intents and purposes to be
a raging homosexual with a penchant for cross-dressing and Kylie
and still provide a grandson.
Father, have you watched much of Britain's Got Talent?
No. It's great.
I watched a bit with your mother once, five minutes. Great show. No.
It's absolutely ghastly. What's wrong with it?
If I were producing that show,
I'd call it Britain's Got Fuck All Talent.
APPLAUSE
Can't see why they didn't go with that title.
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, would you please give a warm welcome
to the wonderful David Walliams and Michael Ball.
MUSIC: There's No Business Like Show Business
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Thank you.
APPLAUSE
Nice to see you.
Thank you. Pop the flowers over there if you want,
I was meant to give them to you at the end but I couldn't resist.
Aw, thank you. Just stick them up against my dad's chair,
we'll make it look like an accident black spot.
Which in many ways it is. Right... This is fantastic.
Thank you so much for coming on the show. Pleasure.
Michael, David, have you worked together before?
We've never worked together, we've met a few times.
Yes, and we mentioned you in Little Britain. Yeah.
The Lou and Andy sketch. Michael Ball. Michael Ball.
AS LOU: You like that Michael Ball, don't you?
Cos you're a big fan of the Michael Balls. I love Michael Balls.
I was just telling Michael that when I was 17,
I came to see him in Aspects Of Love,
which was in 1989 before you were born,
and then I saw you over the years in many, many shows.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, we both saw...
Caractacus Potts. Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely wonderful. Very tiring I imagine the Ol' Bamboo.
The hardest dance you can ever do. Oh, you've no idea.
When was it in the show? Cos I'd think we'd left by the interval.
He dragged us out. Scrooge over there.
David, you have done some wonderful work on the stage. Thank you.
I came to see...
LAUGHTER He really has.
I came to see your Bottom last year. It was wonderful.
We've all seen his Bottom!
But would you ever consider doing a musical piece?
I would love to. I basically want to learn how to sing
because I saw Michael in Hairspray and there's lots of great...
You were absolutely fantastic in it.
There's lots of brilliant comic roles in musical theatre.
The ones I would love to do, Miss Trunchbull in Matilda...
Oh, you'd be brilliant in it. ..but I really can't sing at all
and I know that, you know, doesn't hold everyone back but it would...
I think I've got to learn to sing while I've got a little bit of time,
try and learn to sing, I'm never going to be a great singer
but I can learn to sing a bit and then hopefully
I'll play one of those roles.
Did you like going to see musicals when you were younger? Yes, I did.
I saw Michael Crawford in Barnum when I was very, very young
cos I'd seen him in Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em and I was just so excited,
I couldn't believe I'd seen someone off the TV on stage.
What about Cats?
Cats, I love and my granny took me to see that
and I went with a load of pensioners on a coach
because she was a member of a sort of pensioners group and...
Be good for you.
HE SHOUTS: They put you on a coach, go up to London,
you see a show, yes? All right!
NORMALLY: And...
APPLAUSE
I've now got to be straight man to two people in this show.
Not that straight, dear.
And in Cats, when I was with my granny,
the actors are all in their leotards
and they all come out in the audience and they start,
"Meow, meow, meow."
And I thought I want to come back in a coat with a leotard underneath
and just get on stage with them and do some meowing
and see how long it takes until I'm thrown out of the building.
Cos it's coming back now, isn't it? Yeah, Nicole Scherzinger's in it.
But I think that's his problem with musicals is that
when they're immersive, like, that's why you hated The Lion King.
The opening of Lion King is one of the best openings of a musical ever.
Thank you, Michael. Ever. It's so inventive and clever.
Elton John songs. Yeah.
# Can you feel the love tonight?
# Tonight
♪ It is where we are... ♪
I tell you what,
I know this is just going to become a musicals appreciation night...
That's fine by me. Let's delve into the past, Michael Ball,
because you were in the original cast of Les Miserables. Yeah, yeah.
It doesn't get much cooler than that.
It was a cool time and what was nice about it,
what was extraordinary about it, was it was a tie-up
between the Royal Shakespeare Company and Cameron Mackintosh,
Trevor Nunn directing it, this epic,
slated by the reviewers and it became the people's musical.
30 years, it's still running. I would love to do musicals so much
because I think I have quite a powerful voice,
like, quite similar to yours. Right...
No, in terms of the power of it but I think the problem is that
I've never been able to harness the power. Can he sing? Sing for us.
Can he sing, Michael? I'm like Anna in Frozen,
the princess with the power and she gets sent away.
Let's hear your Let It Go. Sing!
I'm not going to sing it, that's not why I said it. Do it.
I haven't even warmed up!
Can you warm up and sing for us?
# Let it go, let it go
# I'm at one with the snow and sky
# Let it go, let it go
# You'll never hear me cry
# Here I'll stand and here I'll stay
# Let the storm rage on
♪ The cold didn't bother me anyway. ♪
CHEERING
I rest my case.
APPLAUSE
I'm going to give you your first lesson.
And do you know what you should do there? You...
Where that worked is when you directed that end of that song.
Cos that's what I was thinking when I was singing it, like that,
I was thinking of all the times that he had slagged off my voice.
Because he doesn't, like...
You asked me if I would pay for you to have a voice coach.
I wanted a voice coach! I said what you need is a voice box.
Did you just hear that rendition? It was beautiful. No.
People were nearly brought to tears, Father. They're flattering you.
I had a tear in my eye when you sung. Thank you, David.
That's what I needed was encouragement
cos I did have a strong voice. Everyone used to say that at school.
The phrase "white Marvin Gaye" was bounded around.
I think just cut out the Marvin bit. Marvin's gone.
That's not what they were shouting.
But was I singing from, like, the right place?
You were singing, at the end with the right intention and...
Was he singing from the right...? You've got to go quite down below...
I'll show you. Who wants to be touched? I do.
Let's both work on Jack here.
♪ I don't care... ♪
That bit. Yeah. When you sing...
Much safer with just Michael doing it.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
Are you going to behave? Of course I'm going to behave.
I think it's quite sweet you think you're safer with me.
OK. OK. So when you're doing...
♪ I don't care... ♪
Let's take it up, let's make it a bit higher.
♪ I don't care... ♪
And when you do that... Could I help here in any way? Yeah.
What he needs to do is pull up... I don't breathe from my pelvis!
David, please. Seriously, Jack, it's about the pelvic floor. Oh, my God.
And those muscles have to really pull up. The pelvis.
Here. No, stop it. Here. And then really engage your diaphragm. OK.
David, that's not my diaphragm, those are my nipples.
Is that your phone?
Something's vibrating, I don't know what.
You do it with just Michael, if that's what you want.
Really pull that up.
# I don't care
♪ What people say. ♪
# I don't care
♪ What people say... ♪
CHEERING
It's there. Very good.
♪ The storm didn't bother me anyway. ♪
Oh, that was fantastic, thank you. You're welcome.
David, are you going to be doing any more challenges for Comic or
Sport Relief?
Well, probably not, cos I was meant to be on this show a year ago.
And the reason I couldn't be on the show was I was in hospital
having part of...
One of my discs removed from my back after I swum the Thames.
So, I think it's not wise on health grounds.
I'd quite like to have another go...
You know, if I got to 70 and people still knew who I was,
it would be quite good to have another go at the Channel.
Yeah. Cos you don't see an older person doing it.
Imagine Bruce Forsyth said he was...
IMITATES FORSYTH: Cycling from...
London to Chiswick.
You would go, "Oh, wow, amazing."
We have a 70-year-old in the room. Father, maybe that...
Oh, me? You're 74. Yes.
You could maybe take up the mantle, like David was saying.
It would be impressive if an older man did it. No.
You know perfectly well that I can't swim. You must be able to swim.
My mother and father didn't swim.
And I...
I mean, nowadays kids are taught to swim when they're very young
but I was taught to swim...
I went to a school where they had monks... Oh.
When I say, "They had monks," I mean they...
They were monks. They were monks.
And the way they taught you to swim is that one of the monks,
the swimming monk...
would stand by the swimming pool.
But he wouldn't actually get into the pool. No.
He would pass a pole across... Are you sure it was a pole?
Not Polish. A pole, you know, wooden pole. Right.
And put it out.
And you would grab the pole and then you'd learn to swim that way.
So, in the end I just pretended I was swimming. I did the, sort of,
top bit of swimming but there was nothing going on down there.
No, that's what I've heard.
So...
that was it, really. That's a jolly story. He was very elderly.
David, maybe you could teach Father to swim?
Would you like to have a swim? No.
It's too late now. I'm 74. David's offering you lessons. No.
It wouldn't work. I've had so many people try and teach me to swim.
And it's just never worked.
In fact I had a girlfriend once who was very into water sports.
Michael Ball, you have a list of many, many achievements.
I've actually made the list of achievements,
just in case anyone wanted to see.
Top of that list is...
..when you were runner-up. Yeah.
Which I think is... How amazing was that, to represent your country
at the Eurovision Song Contest?
Michael... No, it wa... Yes, it was thrilling, Jack.
It was a deliberate...
Actually a deliberate effort to get away from musicals and to,
to try and have a recording career and do concerts.
So it worked very well.
The actual reality of doing the show is very different.
Do you remember it, David?
♪ One step... ♪
♪ One step Out of time... ♪
Yeah, I do.
# One step out of time...
I watched it, yeah. All my own choreography.
Shall we re-jog everyone's memories?
I think we should.
Ladies and gentlemen,
from Royaume-Uni, Michael Ball with One Step Out Of Time.
# Ooh yeah
# One step out of time
# One reason to put this love on the line again
# Can't believe that it's true
# Now I'm one step out of time
♪ One step out of time. ♪
CHEERING
♪ One step out of time. ♪
How did that not win?
Um, I...
HE SPLUTTERS
I don't remember a lot about that evening.
You have this long wait and this long process
where all the votes are coming in.
But someone sneaked me a little bottle of vodka.
And so I was hiding behind my backing singers having
a little drink, you know.
If we'd won I don't think I could have performed it again.
I was so drunk.
Now, each week my father and I do an activity that we hope
will help us bond.
This week I took it upon myself to broaden my father's culinary horizons.
As when it comes to food my dad's not very adventurous.
We're talking about a man who still likes eating Spam,
because it reminds him of the War.
When it comes to cuisine from around the world he's a Philistine.
He's never had a shish kebab, wouldn't know where to start
with sushi and genuinely thought that saag paneer was a cricketer.
So this week I arranged for us to visit the kitchens of a
local Indian restaurant. Let's see how we got on.
Welcome to Mehek Restaurant kitchen. How are you doing?
I'm going to teach you a spicy dish. So let's go for it.
He wants one really hot.
We want one that leaves his arse like the flag of Japan.
He will enjoy this spicy one. Perfect.
Now you can try it.
'My father likes wartime food. Anything that's in a tin
'or that's been brined,'
or covered in salt.
Basically, food that has absolutely no flavour to it whatsoever.
Shall we both do it now on our own? Yeah, thank you.
Thank you very much.
So, having taught us how to cook the dish,
Abdul let us loose on the kitchen by ourselves.
We both had the chance to cook the dish on our own.
And then he would decide which one tasted best.
Did he put those in? No, I don't think he did.
You're meant to put it... He put this stuff, he put some of this in.
You haven't listened, have you?
The thing about cooking is it's approximate. It's not approximate.
This is, sort of, more my version of this dish. Let's liven it up a bit.
Oh, please...
I think this is going to be really nice.
I think you're going a bit out of control there, Jack.
I think this is going to taste a lot better than it looks.
Daddy, it looks like something you'd use to tarmac a road.
It's horrible.
We'll see what Abdul says.
I think it will taste really nice, this. I have a feeling.
You just wait.
Oh, my God.
So, let me try them. Let's go for it. Michael's one first.
Oh, that is burning.
Oh.
No? It's overcooked. Yes. Are you going to try any of this?
Jack can stay with me.
And Michael, please don't mind - you can leave the kitchen,
you can go upstairs.
Everything all right over here? Oh, that's lovely. Good. Lovely.
SHOUTED ORDERS
OK, OK. This in there? Yes. Service!
Right, next one.
You guys are all happy about everything, aren't you?
Getting down the Cobras there.
Yes, cheers.
This one going... Small one.
And that going to go that one. This one. Oh, shit. Sorry.
You should move fast.
I feel I should just warn you - my son is downstairs in the kitchen.
I tell you what I could recommend to you - and it's not on the menu,
it's off menu - is a Welsh rarebit.
What do you think? Yeah, sounds good.
What's that mess, Jack? Why have you done that?
Come on, Jack. This...
Look...what you done? Sorry. And what dish does this go into?
Oh, Jack. How's it going down here? Why are you drinking?
I've met a really nice couple that I think I've met before in Putney.
They bought me a glass of wine.
It's really nice upstairs.
Can you do these and I'll quickly get his order?
I'm sorry, Abdul.
I've got an order for four Welsh rarebits
and one buck rarebit.
You know what a buck rarebit is, don't you?
It's cheese on toast with a poached egg.
You can take things that are not on the menu.
Go tell them they can't have it.
They can't have a Welsh rarebit?
I'm sure Abdul will make him a Welsh rarebit.
He's not making a bloody Welsh rarebit.
Could you do a Welsh rarebit? No.
With cheese and a poached egg on top.
We know what it is, we're not doing it,
because this is an Indian restaurant and we don't serve Welsh rarebit
or buck rarebit or any rarebit.
What about curried rarebit? You could do that, could you?
Just go and tell them
that they'll have to order something off the menu.
Go. OK. And stop fucking drinking.
It's only an Australian Chardonnay. It's very mild.
I was very surprised with Jack down in that kitchen,
because the minute the shit hit the fan,
he just turned into a total queen.
Why have you suddenly got so manic? It's really relaxed upstairs.
Why have I got so manic? Cos I'm working in that kitchen.
There's hundreds of people upstairs making loads of orders
and you're just swanning around. What do you want me to do?
Go and make recommendations. All right, I will.
I'll go up now and make some recommendations.
Fine. OK. Thank you.
JACK SIGHS
I noticed you've finished your...
your dinner. Um...
I feel I should just warn you. Um...
that my son is downstairs in the kitchen
and I've seen the food that he's been cooking
and...
Well, let's put it this way, there's a chemist over the road
and if I were you, unless you're stocked up with it,
I'd get some Imodiums,
those kind of things.
It may be fine, but I just do worry about his cooking.
You'd like a recommendation, would you? Yes, what would you recommend?
Can I be absolutely honest with you guys?
You look like a couple of classy men.
Do you know the Wolseley in Piccadilly? I've heard of it.
I could get you... Well, I couldn't get you a table now,
but let's say in 15 minutes,
if you hang on here.
SITAR MUSIC
That's the address. OK.
There's a table booked in my name.
Michael Whitehall, just say he sent you, OK?
Thanks, appreciate it.
APPLAUSE
Can I say...
Can I just say, it's lovely to see father and son bonding like that
and I know, a little while back,
you came to me with something, with a secret that you had...
No, I didn't. ..about yourself, and you said,
"I feel ready to tell everyone, apart from my father."
And... You're such a dick.
..he's here tonight
and I just wondered
if this is now the time to tell your dad what you told me.
I didn't tell you anything!
Jack... Stop...! You don't believe him?!
Why would I not believe him?
He's got a very honest face. Mmm.
Tell him what you told me, because it was a very emotional time.
Michael, don't join in! I'm not doing anything! I'm listening.
I have a girlfriend, I'm perfectly happy.
Please stop trying to out me in front of my father.
David Walliams. Mmm. You're friends with Simon Cowell. Yes.
What's your relationship really like?
You know, he's quite a complex character.
He's got everything any man could ever want,
apart from happiness.
You know, he has actually, to his credit,
because it wasn't really big news, but he's had a baby...
..and it's actually made him almost like a human being.
Yeah, it's really fun being on that show and it only works for me,
being on that show, because of the dynamic I have with him.
Michael Ball, you are on tour with Everyone Was Listening...
If Everyone Was Listening...
If only everyone was listening, yeah!
And the album is out, which is the same name.
Do you like going on tour?
I do, I really do. The process of making an album is brilliant.
You're locked away, you try and finesse the music,
try and get the sound right.
You then nervously release it out into the public.
Luckily, it's had a nice response.
But the real test for me is when you do it live. I love gigging.
Do you do One Step Out Of Time? Always, always.
Really rocky.
Really rocky and everybody does the arm actions.
Do you do Love Changes Everything?
Every gig I've ever done.
Every gig? Yeah, must have been.
I have to be so grateful to it.
Without that song, I wouldn't be sitting here, probably.
That took me out of musical theatre and put me into the charts
and gave me a higher profile, so I'm lucky.
Also, it's one of those they call a "hatch, match, dispatch" song.
It's important in people's lives -
people have walked down the aisle to it, people have been buried to it.
It's a... People have celebrated anniversaries with it.
It's a song that has a lyric that's very simple,
but you can put in your own interpretation to it,
and, um...
that's the mark of a really clever, good song. It is a great song.
In fact, when I called up Mr David Walliams
and asked him if he'd come on our show
and said that Michael Ball was the other guest,
quick as a shot, first thing he said,
"I will only do this show under one condition -
"that we can sing it out with Love Changes Everything."
Didn't you, David? Mmm-hmm.
Isn't that weird, cos my only condition was we wouldn't.
Well, this is this show where we make dreams come true,
so David, Michael,
we are now going to go and get ready and sing out the show
with Michael Ball's Love Changes Everything
from Aspects Of Love.
Are you up for it, Daddy? Am I up for it? No, I don't...
The three of you do it. Are you up for a bit of "Ball" action?
No. Daddy, you've got to do it. This is the end of the show.
It's too late for me. We're doing the finale.
Come on! Everyone up, we're going to go and get ready.
This is actually happening. CHEERING
You up for this? Where are we going?
SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE
We'll do the Stars In Their Eyes wave back. OK!
Tonight, Matthew, we are...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
MUSIC: Love Changes Everything by Andrew Lloyd Webber
# Love
# Love changes everything
# Hands and faces
# Earth and sky
# Love
# Love changes everything
# How you live and
# How you die
READING OUT: Love can make the summer fly
or a night seem...
..like a lifetime.
# Yes, love
# Love changes everything
# Now I tremble
# At your name
ALL: # Nothing in the world will ever be
# The same
# Off into the world we go
# Planning futures
# Shaping years
# Love bursts in and suddenly
# All our wisdom
# Disappears
# Love makes fools of everyone
# All the rules we make are broken
# Yes, love
# Love changes everyone
# Live or perish
# In its flame
# Love will never, never let you be
♪ The same. ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much!
Thank you to my wonderful guests, Michael Ball and David Walliams!
Good night!
Best moment of my life.
LAUGHTER