I don't like people.
Is that a good way to start?
I like persons,
but I don't like groups of people coming together.
It frightens me.
Like, if I could have dinner with any three people
from history, living or dead,
I wouldn't.
I don't like when people in my life come together
because there's always complications.
On tonight's show, a woman comes between two men.
Now, whenever a woman comes between two men,
I think it's because the men already have problems.
Like, who's the most famous woman to ever come between men?
I think it's Yoko Ono.
People say that Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles.
I don't believe that.
She didn't break up the Beatles.
Look, if you want to criticize Yoko Ono,
criticize her for her insane art.
I don't think she broke up the Beatles.
I've been in relationships.
Women just get sick of you complaining
about the same thing every day.
I bet John Lennon came home from work every day and was like,
"wah! I'm sick of those three guys."
And one day she was like, "you know what?
If you're so sick of it, why don't you just quit?"
And he was like, "oh, yeah."
There's no way a spouse
who shares in the money of the Beatles
would tell him to quit.
I don't care how weird she is.
There's no way she was like,
"look, John, I know that every time you guys release an album
"everyone on the planet buys it,
"but we've got some money saved,
and my last screaming poem did pretty well."
[Upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Mulaney - 01x09 Worlds Collide
sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com
(Ice-t) Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay?
That was fun, John.
Yeah, you got to see a taping of a network game show.
That's why my family Fled Iran.
What I meant was,
it was fun to get out of the apartment and hang out with you.
You work for Lou night and day now,
and my job has been so slow.
I thought you had new clients.
I'm only training one client, and it's over video chat.
Five more air squats, Tina!
Okay, you can do this!
She hasn't lost a pound.
Ah.
It was fun hanging out with you too, but one critique,
you are a terrible audience member.
What?
You didn't laugh at one of Lou Cannon's jokes.
Do you think he noticed?
[Cheers and applause]
(Lou) Ha-ha!
Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.
Hey, let's get this show on the road, shall we?
[Cheers and applause]
So...
Uh-oh! Someone paused their DVR!
[Laughs]
[Chuckles]
Hear what I said, little lady?
I'm on pause.
Not like cat's paws.
[Crowd laughs] Rawr!
Laugh.
At what?
Look, the only thing I think is funny is America's Funniest Home Videos.
Animals acting like humans
and people severely injuring themselves at weddings.
Otherwise, I don't really like comedy, you know?
No.
Is there anything that makes you happy?
John, I like lots of things,
like a thick magazine
with photos of a nice apartment with good light
and, like, a photo of the kitchen
where an elegant white woman is chopping a red pepper.
And...
Yeah, that's it.
I just hope your not laughing doesn't upset lo...
He's easily rattled,
like an elephant or temple grandin at the emmys.
I mean, I need him in a good mood to pitch my ideas.
Like, I have this one idea I'm too nervous to pitch where
I'd host an online segment.
My grandfather fought in World War II, and I'm too afraid to pitch web content.
Why are you so afraid of Lou? I thought you two were friends.
We'll never be pals.
I mean, we're different generations.
He's a baby boomer. I'm generation y.
We're millennials.
Oh, right, so what I wanna know is,
what happened to Generation Z?
Y'all watching Girls?
No, that was our conversation.
Hey, you know, I'm headlining the comedy club's urban explosion night.
All new material.
Oh, man, I haven't seen you do stand-up in so long.
Well, come on by. Sit in the front row.
Oh, so I can be the one white guy everyone makes fun of?
Hey.
Club Ebony's urban explosion all-black comedy throwdown
isn't about race.
(Mulaney) Hey, Lou.
I want to apologize for my friend Jane for not being a good audience member.
She is, uh, not a normal person.
Johnny, I've been in show business for a long time.
I'm a professional.
I'm not gonna focus on one girl in seat four not laughing even once.
Hey, since you're in such a good mood,
there's this idea that I've been wanting to pitch you.
I'm all ears.
Speak your mind, Johnny.
[Chuckles]
Okay, well, I was thinking that it could...
I was thinking it could be interesting...
Come on, come on, spit it out. This is annoying.
- Jane? - Hey, how's it going?
Hey, my new trainer's here.
Hi.
Listen, first of all, welcome.
And I just want to let you know that I don't want to
break a sweat, just bend one.
[Chuckles]
I'm kidding.
I hope you love handles.
John, what's happening?
I should get changed.
[Clears throat]
Jane, what are you doing here?
I got a call that Lou needed a trainer.
I assumed you got me the job.
No, I had nothing to do with it,
and I don't think he hired you to be his trainer.
What? You mean he wants to sleep with me?
It's worse than that. He wants to make you laugh.
[Gasps]
Gross.
Yeah.
Look, the next time he makes a joke,
just give him, like, a fake laugh. Otherwise, we'll be here forever.
I can't fake a laugh.
It's not like saying "I love you."
Come on, just imagine that, you know, he's like a row of bridesmaids falling down.
Oh, my God,
I love when happy girls fall down.
Okay.
- Okay, I'll try. - Thank you.
Wow.
Was this apartment in City Interiors Magazine?
Yes, it was.
My decorator was going for feng shui.
But I just wanted to wang chung!
[Fake laughing]
That's a beautiful laugh.
Well, you're very... fun-funny.
Ah.
She lives!
She's alive!
[Fake laughs]
I love that laugh, you know.
There are so few laughs in show business you can trust.
Paul Shaffer, Kevin Eubanks, and now you.
Hey, she laughed.
Shallow goal accomplished.
Uh, I guess Jane should go.
No, no, no, Jane and I are kind of vibing here.
You know, you deserve a day off.
I want Jane to train me.
So I can leave?
Wait, I have to stay?
We'll call you my trainer and consultant.
How does $750 for the day sound?
Oh, for $750 a day, you can call me a dumb bitch.
- Have a great day off. - I will.
Let's see, I've got all day.
How late does the met stay open?
NSFW.
Kerry...
Kerry Washington in sheer tank top with...
Hmm.
Ugh, I'm disgusting.
Let's do this.
God forgive me.
(Motif) I'm happy you made it to the urban explosion.
Really excited for you to meet my friends.
Hey, fellas, come look at this cornbread ass-looking idiot.
Motif, man, I love those characters you do onstage, man.
- Oh, like your mom? - Thank you. Thank you.
"Hey, Motif, tell your daddy that ain't our house.
That's the liquor store!"
[Laughter] You do it better.
I just take what I know, and I bring it to life, you know what I mean?
Aren't Motif's parents great?
I mean, they're both these really serious college professors...
Mulaney, Mulaney, no...
- No, no, no. - But they're also fun, you know?
Like, every year they do that Christmas card
where they dress up like the chipmunks.
Wait, so you're telling me those characters you do onstage aren't real?
Well, I exaggerate
to add some flavor to my childhood.
Where did you grow up?
[Snorts]
West Side!
Of Westchester!
All right, tell me all about your day with Lou Cannon.
Isn't it like being sober when a friend is on mushrooms?
Actually, it was okay.
I mean, his apartment is awesome.
I drank his coconut water.
He talked. It was fun.
What do you mean, it was fun?
I don't know. Lou's a cool guy.
We went to the met.
Ooh, have you seen the Rembrandt exhibit there?
No.
He must have been on good behavior.
Trust me, it's different when you work for him every day.
Well, it looks like I will.
He hired me for the week.
What?
You're gonna be there all week?
Why, do you have a problem with that?
Because, Johnny, Lou's been in show business a long time.
Okay, and he kind of likes bringing new people into the mix.
Don't call me "Johnny."
And don't say "show business," okay?
No one in the biz says "show business."
Fine.
I can't think of one tragic-but-lovable character from my past.
My uncle is an S.A.T. tutor.
Is that crazy as all hell?
Why are you trying to think of a tragic character from your childhood?
Mulaney outed me at the club for having a happy childhood.
So now everybody in comedy is calling me "The Reverse Robin Hood."
I stole material from the poor and gave it to the rich.
Shouldn't they call you "Robin Not From the Hood"?
I'm sorry.
It was right there.
Hey, I'm sorry I outed you for having successful parents.
I didn't know you were making up characters now.
No, I'm glad you did it.
I've been embellishing my material for too long,
like that old man rollins story.
Oh, I love when you do old man rollins.
"Hey, Motif, you gotta get them rubbers, boy."
John, please don't.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Well, it was a lie.
Old man rollins never gave me no rubbers.
I just like to make that old man face.
It's funny.
[Knocking]
Oh, hello.
(Both) Hey, Oscar.
I found out something exciting.
Motif, your father and my brother Mortimer
are squash partners.
Isn't that funny?
Actually, it's not.
None of the people I grew up with are.
What about this?
This is funny.
What's funny about an ice cream man I met at a picnic?
Everything.
I'm in stitches.
I mean, it was a birthday picnic.
Oh, birthdays are very funny.
One of the funniest things I ever saw was a balloon.
Can you imagine?
So you think some of these happy memories would work onstage?
Of course.
Positivity is in.
Jokes should be about wonderful things.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
A baby bird.
Ha-ha! Wonderful.
Say "Manhattan."
(Both) Manhattan.
- (Lou) Great, thank you. - What's going on?
Oh, City Interiors wanted to do another spread of the apartment,
so I figured I'd include Jane.
I can't picture this place without her.
Aw.
Mulaney, look.
I'm chopping a red pepper in a photo for a 10-pound magazine.
Ha-ha! I love that.
Hey, let's do a few fun shots.
Should I put on this very crisp leather jacket?
This looks good, right?
Yes, yes, that looks good, Lou...
Louie, no, you look like you work for Billy Joel.
Thank you, Janey.
I can never get a straight answer from all those yes-men.
(Lou) [Gasps] Oh, my G.
I should put on that new olympic gold medal
that I just bought from Mark Spitz.
Okay, I know you've been having fun here this week,
but you look like a trophy wife.
I do?
Aw, thank you.
This life is perfect for me.
I have always wanted a rich sugar daddy, and now I have one.
Except the sugar isn't sex. It's laughing.
Plus, we both love tearing apart us weekly
and going to restaurants.
When I hang out with you and Motif, there's, like, a $40 ceiling.
You know?
What are you, like, pals with Lou Cannon now?
What are you, jealous?
Oh, no, no, no. I am not jealous.
My relationship with Lou is already plenty bizarre and sexless.
I'm just annoyed that you're in the way so much.
I have ideas to pitch. We have work to do.
You're the one who told me to fake a laugh.
Look, I can't help it if I became his muse.
Lou called you his muse?
He pronounced it wrong, but that's what he meant.
All right.
Well, if you're such pals with Lou now,
why don't you show him your real laugh?
Your real, cackling,
America's Funniest Home Videos laugh?
Maybe I don't want to show him my real laugh.
Maybe I like these digs, know what I mean?
And maybe if you outed me,
I would out you for putting me up to it.
Yeah, it's like that.
We're in cahoots, bud.
Those are wax, idiot.
There's my moose.
So, uh, are we not gonna work today?
Hey, Jane, who am I?
"So, uh, are we not gonna work today?"
I know who you are.
- Who am I? - You're John.
[Laughs] Right?
(Mulaney) Okay, I get it.
There are plenty of cool people I can hang out with.
- It's so nice to have company. - Right.
- Andre, I've got a problem. - Okay.
- Have you ever had a boss who... - No.
Oh.
- Well, have you ever had a friend that... - No.
Oh. Right.
Well, have you ever been jealous when two people hang out without you?
Mm,
like how you're jealous of your dad
because he's your mom's kissy friend?
Let's change the subject.
Ooh, do you want to meet my dog, Rasta Fazooli?
I taught him how to ride a longboard.
Oh, dog on a longboard... I actually would like to see that.
(Andre's mother) Andre, is your friend gonna stay for shabbas?
Mom, shut up!
And then there was my aunt Pam.
She once got me a gift card for my birthday.
What?
Gift card!
Pam!
Thank you!
[Laughs] Wonderful!
Wonderful! [Laughs]
Look, while I have you alone,
there's this idea that I've been meaning to pitch you.
I think that the game show could have a green room cam
where someone interviews the celebrities backstage
for the web.
Someone funny, like me.
Janey Bird, what if we had a green room cam?
Would that be so cute or the worst?
The worst.
And, if I may,
it's, like, random?
Right, right, right, right. Sorry, John.
Jane, that was the idea
that I've been meaning to pitch for weeks.
Oh, well, I'm sorry. Then...
You know what? It's actually not the worst.
Go ahead and do it. It's kind of funny.
Jane, don't fake a laugh.
I can tell when you're being condescending.
Come on, let's get some dinner.
Ringo's in town.
Starr.
Yeah.
Look at the two of them.
Laughing and fake laughing.
They've been there for two hours.
She doesn't even like him, you know?
She's lying, and he can't even see it.
And she's half his age.
Pathetic.
He's pathetic.
How do you know Lou Cannon?
- He's my boss. - Hmm.
- How do you know him? - I'm his ex-wife.
I'm stalking him.
I might kill him.
Not sure yet.
Oh, well, I should go.
Shall I come with?
You and I have a lot in common.
No, we don't.
Yes, we do.
So I think just let him do the green room cam.
It's kind of sweet when he's happy, even if his goals are sad.
Sure, I'll throw him a bone.
I like that little Dutch kid.
Ohh!
Well, well, well,
look at you two.
So happy together.
Hey, John, you look a little crazy-eyed.
You kind of remind me of my ex-wife.
We're divorced, but we're still very close.
I'm not sure you're right about that.
But you and Jane are close.
Yeah.
While I have faded away,
like a photo of Marty McFly's brother.
And it all started with Jane's laugh.
That real, honest laugh.
Andre, unleash Rasta Fazooli!
[Jane laughs]
[Laughs hysterically]
Ahh!
Oh, my God!
[Laughs]
What is that?
Oh, my God. Is someone tickling a witch?
Look at that dog. He's a stoner!
[Laughs]
- Oh, my God! - Jane, is this your real laugh?
[Laughing] Have you been faking?
[Laughing] I'm sorry, yeah.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh!
I'll get my things.
Mm-hmm. I think so.
Andre, you can take Rasta Fazooli and head on home.
Our work is done here.
And to you, my grumpy-faced friend,
a sincere thank-you.
(Jane) You know, Lou,
I wasn't faking having a great time with you.
You're a really rich, impulsive weirdo, and...
It was really cool getting to know you.
I appreciate that, but you're still fired.
I want you to take your $3,500 check,
all the gifts I gave you, and six months of health care,
and get out.
Health care? No way.
Bye-bye, hernia.
Thanks, Lou!
God, Rasta Fazooli.
[Jane laughing]
(Mulaney) Hey, Lou,
I'm sorry I had to do that to Jane,
but I didn't like how she was taking over.
It's okay.
And I'm sorry I got jealous.
It was hard to see you and Jane hit it off.
Look, the only reason I hit it off with Jane
is because I have people like you I can depend on.
But every once in a while, I get bored by dependable people,
so I let a bossy woman into my life to shake things up.
Then I turn my back on them, and there's no hard feelings.
That's strange.
That odd little red laser dot is back on my jacket.
Oh, my God, it's your ex-wife!
Aah!
Hey, I'm sorry I stole Lou away from you.
I learned something about myself this week.
I'm shallow.
It's all good, by the way.
I'm sorry I had to give Andre those old bathing suits of yours
to get that dog to show up.
Oh, please, let him enjoy them.
And tell Lou I said hi.
I will.
Oh, and tell Steve I said hi.
You met Steve Martin?
Yeah, why, who is he?
Oh, Mulaney and Jane.
Y'all can fight and scrap and still laugh about it later.
Y'all crazy.
Y'all characters.
Hold on.
I grew up with some well-adjusted people,
but now I got them crazy roommates.
Talk about the fifth floor walk-up.
First it's old man Mulaney talking about,
"I don't want my friends to meet my boss."
Man, [Bleep] You, [Bleep].
Fifth floor walk-up!
Then there's old lady Jane talking about,
"when will I get a fiance?"
Bitch, think!
Fifth floor walk-up!
Then to my man Oscar,
talking about, "when will we get some papayas?
It'd be wonderful."
I tried them papayas, [Bleep].
You better believe they're wonderful.
What?
[Laughter and applause]
Fifth floor walk-up!
sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com