Tonight on "Newsreaders," we'll find out
why the decline of adult-video stores is destroying the life of
this saloon-door designer. Also, we go to Osaka, Japan, to
meet 119-year-old Takishi Sabua, a man who could die at any
moment. All that and more, tonight on
"Newsreaders."
Newsreaders - 02x09 Billionaire Goes to Hell
Newsreaders - 02x09 Sitcom Family
sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com
First tonight, Sadee Deenus has one of those
television-news-magazine stories about a really rich guy who made
so much money that he can do whatever he wants.
You know the ones. Sadee?
Hotel Mogul Reese Ballard is the darling of wall street.
A billionaire several times over, he tops every list of
handsome C.E.O.S. Ballard revolutionized the
industry by creating completely customizable hotels.
Tell us what kind of pillow you have at home.
We will have it waiting there for you when you arrive.
Our in-shower waterfalls will automatically adjust to your
height. Live with your mother?
- She will be there. - I poop in a cat box.
What kind of litter do you prefer?
- Clay-based, non-clumping. - Done.
You have thought of everything.
- That's Ballard. - Wow.
These days, Ballard spends most of his time as an adventurer,
philanthropist, or "adventropist."
He's done it all, from using his fortune to bring clean
drinking water to sub-saharan Africa to bringing historically
accurate sports-championship shirts to Western Africa.
But Ballard shocked the world when he announced his latest
- challenge. - I'm going to hell.
Why hell? Why now?
You know, it's the last great challenge.
Nobody's ever done it and come back to talk about it.
- So, why not go to heaven? - Oh, I've been to heaven.
It's called a Ballard Luxe Boutique hotel.
That is tremendous. Ballard is exploring every
possible way to get to hell and has assembled a team of leading
experts, ranging from geologists to particle physicists to
nanotechnologists. He even has the top religious
scholars in the world working on the project.
You ever hear the one about the priest, the minister, and
the rabbi who helped me travel to hell?
Yes, but it was in a bar, and the rabbi had a parrot on
- his shoulder with a huge dick. - Aah!
Ah. That is Kovie. I have him tripping balls on
ayahuasca tea. Says he's in communication with
machine elves and the fabric of time.
Ballard has known nothing but success in life, but he's
well aware this latest adventure could end in failure.
Even with all these resources, there is one thing
- that keeps me up at night. - Does hell even exist?
No, no, not that. If I get to hell, will they even
- let me in? - Why wouldn't they?
I may have done too much good.
After months of planning and research, Ballard announced he
finally found a way to hell. It is so rare to witness history
as it's happening. This is a very exciting moment.
- Good luck, Reese. - Thank you, Sadee.
I appreciate that. I have something for you.
- There you go. - What?
Kitty litter? Clay-based, non-clumping.
- Wow. Thank you. - No. Thank you.
In the end, it was the theology team that finally
cracked it. So, how did you actually find
- the way to hell? - It was right under our
noses the whole time. The one guaranteed way to go to
hell is to commit suicide.
So elegant, so simple...
Just like the lobby of one of his hotels.
We don't know if Reese Ballard made it into
hell, but we can confirm he is dead.
Next, television... it's what you're watching right now.
And for two years, if you were watching TV on Thursday nights,
you were watching one thing... America's number-one sitcom,
"Farmed Out!" But then you stopped watching
it, and you didn't know why. But soon you will.
"Farmed Out!" Was the riches-to-rags story of the
Jordans, a wealthy family that lost it all and had to start a
new life on a farm in the middle of nowhere.
Millions tuned in each week, and the Jordans quickly became
Every week brought a new harvest of laughs.
The muses are flowing. I feel 18 years of wall street
- corruption just melting away. - Then what's with the
- briefcase? - Baby steps.
America loved
watching the Jordan family reap what they had sown.
- I think I see the milky way. - We're inside a barn.
- Then what's that up there? - Oh, my God.
- Those are bats! - Oh!
I think the milky way just
- pooped on me. - The show had
everything... great jokes, heart, and plots you could
follow while surfing the Internet...
And, of course, raunchy Grandma Jordan.
I knew I shouldn't have milked the cow in a
- Diane Von Furstenberg blouse. - Now, that's what I call a
nip slip.
Despite all of its success and mass appeal,
suddenly and without warning, the Emmy Award-winning show was cancelled.
With no explanation.
I'm standing in the middle of a dirt road in Hutchins, Kansas,
in front of the house that was once used for establishing sho...
- Hey! Who the tits are you? - Grandma Jordan.
Uh-oh. He knows me. When did we do it, and which way
was I facing?
- What?! - No?
This... is... amazing!
- You're all here! - Yep. We are here.
We got to be somewhere.
It turns out the Jordans were still in the
house where they filmed the show.
I don't understand. Are you taping the show again?
No. The cameras left weeks ago.
- I have a camera. - That's your elbow, Kip.
As you know, we've been living a much simpler life... no TV, no
- Internet. - No online shopping, no
offline shopping. Oh, God, I miss things... spa days,
charity balls. Before my boob job, I was
consistently charity-balled.
You guys talk exactly like your characters.
- I'm not sure what that means. - I'm not really sure what
that means. Like... like the word "that."
Is that the one that starts with a circle?
That's hilarious.
- This is just like the show. - We've never even seen our
- own show. - What?
You've got to see your show. I have every episode on my
phone. Would you like to watch it?
Oh, yeah! That would be great!
I just miss being rich. We had so much...
- Fun, right? - No.
Who is that that keeps laughing?
Oh, that's the laugh track, although the loud
laugh is me because I tape it live off of my television.
Seeing themselves on TV did not
seem to bring as much joy to the Jordans as they had brought to
- America. - I guess we don't get it.
- This is a terrible reality show. - Reality show?
Yes, they asked us if we wanted to make a reality show
- about our family. - I once sat on a cat.
That's great!
So, these things were actually happening to the Jordans in real
life, and the documentary footage of them had been sold to
America as scripted entertainment.
They flew us out here and stranded us on a farm with some
camera guys who weren't legally allowed to interact with us.
They must have edited out all of our constant begging for food
- from the crew. - I see you have a candy bar!
- I just want one bite! - We actually started out with
one other family member at the beginning.
- Oh, yeah, Jordy Jr. - We ate him.
"Farmed Out!" was the brainchild of television producer
Fitz Bagley. He actually had his name legally
changed to "Television Producer Fitz Bagley."
They were under the impression they were doing a reality show.
- You deceived them. - I'm not ashamed of that.
The Jordans were just too weird to be believable.
No one is that one-dimensional. Have you talked to the Jordans?
- Yes. - They pause after jokes, as if
they're waiting for laughter that never, ever comes.
Grandma Jordan, who was the last president you voted
f- or? - Well, I never met
Bill Clinton, but he can visit my oval office any day of the
- week. - Madison, when you
- leave the room, what do you do? - I wait outside until it's my
turn to come back in to say something sarcastic
- Like any human ever. - Amazing.
When he found the Jordans, Television Producer Fitz Bagley
knew he had stumbled onto a gold mine.
I don't have to pay actors, writers, scripts, all that
paper, the toner, none of it. I shell out zilch, and I make a
number that has a lot of zilches behind it.
So, why? Why cancel it?
The Jordans started getting depressed, and not fun
depressed, just sad. I had to cut around a bunch of
crying, like, "oh, no, we're hungry," "grandma's dying," that
- kind of thing Grandma Jordan is
- dying? - Yeah, she's... she won't
make it till Christmas. But I kept the cameras rolling
- on the family. - You kept filming them?
I darken the lights. I take the new footage.
I cut it together to make a one-hour drama called
"Finding Always." Check it out.
It's just... Too much to take in.
Sorry, dear.
I guess my number's up.
Now humorist Jim Davidson is here with
another look at our everyday lives.
If you come into my living room, you know what you're gonna
see? Yeah, I mean, there's couches.
There's maybe a love seat or two, but what you're mostly
gonna see is a lot of remote controls.
We got one remote control for the TV, another for the DVR, one
for the DVD, one for the VHS. One's for the cable.
One's for the... I don't know what it's for!
I mean, I can't con... I need a
remote control to control the remote controls!
I mean, this is... this is what
it's come to in my house. I'm upset.
- I might want to kill myself. - Thanks, Jim.
Coming up next week on "Newsreaders"...
Wi-Fi network names. We'll tell you which ones will
increase your chances of having sex with your neighbor.
And it's called St. Louis-style pizza, and this guy thinks it's
a thing. I'm Reagan Biscayne.
Good night.
sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com