Ok, Jeffrey, this is it. Our training begins.
Now, if we get separated, uh, let's meet back at this shrub.
A shrub in central park? Good plan.
Hang on, uh, I have money in my fanny pack
in case we get hungry or feel the pull of a museum.
Can we go now?
And I have ibuprofen, and I have sunscreen,
and I have salt tablets.
New plan... I'll run, you stay here and open a pharmacy.
Hey, hey, hey. Do you think I enjoy being this compulsive?
Do you think... you think it's fun in here?
No, I-I-I need the freedom of running.
I long for the escape,
so instead of criticizing me, why don't you just help me, John?
Just help set me free.
Good-bye! -Hey, you jackass! Hey!
Hey, I'm running.
It's about to get good. Get good.
Yeah, it's about to get good.
You'll have the time of your life for the rest of your life.
It's about to get goo-ooo-oood.
Hey, hey!
Transcript: RaceMan Synch: hanest
www.forom.com
This is fun! -I'm getting jostled a lot!
Do you want another beer?
No, thanks. I can't get this one to my mouth.
Great band, though. -I guess!
I mean, it's no les mis.
No. Of course not. This is alternative music,
not the corporate pap that'd been force-fed to us by
the machine!
How do you know that?
I overheard some guys at the urinal.
Hold this!
Wow! -Wow! Who's that?
Bloody hell, that was good. Give it up for the Fjords!
Whoo!
Fjords!
Well, she must... she must be the owner.
She's beautiful.
Oh, I would love a chance to know a woman like that.
Oh, so would I.
Oh, wait. Wait, wait. She's coming this way.
Now, give me her beer. -No, she gave it to me.
I'll give it right back. -I'm not an idiot.
Oh, thanks. Those guys are good, huh?
Oh, fantastic. -Yeah, way better than les mis.
I'm Mary Frances. -Oh, I'm John. This is my friend Jeffrey.
Hello. I'm a judge.
Well, look at you. -She doesn't need to hear that,
anymore than she needs to hear that I'm one of Manhattan's top orthopedic surgeons.
Which I am.
Thank god. I thought you were food inspectors.
Oh...
So what brings you handsome gentlemen to my humble venue?
Uh, we're expanding our horizons. You know, like, uh,
mountain biking, scuba diving... -Button fly jeans.
Ah... adventurers.
I'm a bit of a thrill-seeker myself.
I've been a ski instructor, a jazz singer,
and a couple of things I won't say because you're a judge.
You would love my apartment.
How does that follow? -I don't believe I was talking to you.
I like you boys. Here. This'll get you free drinks.
Oh, does this mean that I belong to you?
No, it doesn't. Do me.
So we're having a little after-party here when we close.
Very casual. You're both invited.
Oh, we are in. -We're out. We, uh,
have a previous engagement.
We do? -We do.
But everyone we know is fast asleep.
Well, that's too bad.
Who knows? You might've found your next adventure.
We are not previously engaged.
Jeffrey, sometimes your obtuseness astounds me.
Neither of us can pursue that woman. -Why not?
Because clearly we're both interested in her. We'd compete.
We would? -It would get ugly.
It might. -And our friendship is too
important for that. -It is, although she is smokin'.
Oh, dad. -Hugh! So good to see you.
Um, I just came to steal food.
And to see your father. -Oh, well, I thought you were asleep.
But you love me, right? -Yes.
Ah, you can't buy moments like this.
So what's goin' on, crazy man? What are you doin' out so late?
Oh. John and I went to the Cocoon room.
Cocoon room? -Hmm-mm.
How did that get in your coupon book?
Well, for your information, I hit it off with the owner,
and she invited me to an after-party.
Well, then what are you doing here? -I know, I know.
You should have seen this woman. I mean, she was just so
different, but John and i made an agreement not to pursue her,
and, you know, we're friends.
So where's john now? -He got this page,
some sort of big emergency at the hospital.
So after this, you do me, right?
You know, I-I-I don't know who he's operating on after 6 beers,
but he's the doctor.
So you're really into this woman. -Hoo boy!
Ok.
Dad? -Yeah.
Uh, how do I... thank you.
How do I say this nicely?
You're not...
conventionally handsome.
Thanks for the adverb.
No, you deserve this woman.
Don't let her walk away.
But John and i made an agreement, and I can't break that, right?
Right?
I'm going.
Hello.
Is-is this the after-party?
Or is this the end of what happens before the after-party?
You're clearly busy.
Jeffrey, you came!
What a wonderful surprise. -Thank you.
Is the- is the beret ok? -I love it.
Let them laugh. Who cares?
Right.
So it's ok that I tricked Jeffrey and came back?
No, dad, it's not ok.
And why are you calling me at 2 A.M.?
Because, Stella,
I feel oddly guilty, and I need you to ease my mind.
Well, I won't. -Why not?
He's your best friend. -So you're saying he'll understand?
No, dad, I'm saying the opposite.
So you can see both sides.
Dad, it-it- it is not my job to make you feel better about your philandering.
Is this about your mother?
Wait, you - you cheated on mom?
Shh.
This has all been a dream.
Oh! You put an umbrella in my beer. -No, no, no, that's mine.
So nobody sneezes in it.
You're adorable.
I'm glad you came back tonight. -Well, thank you. So am I.
What was that for?
I just felt like it, so I did it.
Well, that is how to live.
Jeffrey!
Oh, John... John, John, please,
I-I-I- I'm-I'm I'm sorry. I-I-I- I can
explain. -How could you? You gave me your word!
I know. I know, John, and I feel absolut...
wait a minute. What are you doing here?
All is forgiven. Let's go home. -Wait.
I'll call you.
You are... You traitor!
You - you made up an emergency so you could come back here?
Maybe I did, but you went behind the back of a man in the midst of saving a life!
But that was a lie! -You didn't know that!
Boys! Stop it.
We can settle this like mature adults.
Mary Frances, who do you like better, me or the putz in the beret?
Well, if you're putting me on the spot...
John, I'm very attracted to you. -Good night, Jeffrey.
But I'm also attracted to you. -Ha! Ha!
I'm confused.
I like you and you.
How can you like both of us? -We're complete opposites.
I like you for different reasons.
Well, why can't I spend time with both of you?
I mean, haven't you ever dated two women at the same time?
Yes! -No, of course not.
Well, you have to pick one of us.
Really? Pity.
I thought you two were a little more enlightened.
Well, have we... have we just been dumped?
No.
We've been challenged.
Don't you see, Jeffrey? She's right.
Ww - we talk about Carpe Diem, but she's really living it.
Yes, and I want to live it with her. -Yeah...
so do I. Let's push the envelope,
cross a boundary, and strike a blow for freedom.
Wait a minute. Are you suggesting that we openly date the same woman?
I am. Does that frighten you?
Well, my stomach's a little flippy, but I did just kiss the girl.
Now, this can only work if we proceed with mutual respect and civility.
Of course. -I get her Saturday nights.
Damn! -Burn!
Oh! The soup is awful. Here, kill it off.
I just love how you talk without thinking.
I used to get married without thinking.
I don't understand why people get married.
Well, speaking personally, I just love giving crazy women half my money
over and over again.
I never know what to expect from you.
Do you know how exciting that is? -Yes.
Yes, I do.
Don't fill up on dessert. We've got our entrees coming.
Eating a meal in reverse. I didn't know they let you do that.
Who's "they", Jeffrey?
Your parents? Society? Religion?
I just meant whoever printed the menu.
You see, with kites, it's all in the tail.
I prefer raw silk with a penny taped at the end.
And why the gloves? -In case she fights me.
I don't understand. It's just so senseless.
Why can't a governess marry a duke?
Damn it, I hate the british class system.
I know, sweetie. It's why I moved.
I'm sorry.
Oh, this movie isn't funny at all.
You know what would be funny?
If you caused a scene and got us thrown out of here.
Thrown out or banned for life? -You're the artist.
Wake up, everyone!
Here comes your first laugh!
Whoo!
Author! Author!
And that's when I found out Jeffrey had taken her to the same restaurant!
And ordered the same special.
The only difference was the amount they tipped.
You-you don't include the wine in your subtotal.
Classic Jeffrey.
Mmm, yeah.
Boy, you know, I-I- I never thought this would work.
I mean, you know, 3 people alternating nights, it's...
but, I mean, look at you 3, makin' it work,
and making us watch.
So, uh, Mary Frances, my dad tells me you used to be a dancer.
Well, what else was I going to do with these legs?
Ah, here's to our girlfriend's legs.
One for each of us.
That's... romantic.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. No one eat another bite.
I brought some Alaskan rock salt.
Just a pinch, and you'll taste the salmon the way a grizzly does.
She's so nice,
and what an interesting life she's...
have you two lost your minds?
What? -You know what.
This... sharing legs.
It's creepy.
Very creepy,
although she is hot.
Well, hey, jump on in.
What's wrong, kids? You don't like our girlfriend?
Just stop calling her that.
All right. I-I- I think what we're seeing, John,
is the younger generation just having its mind blown.
You're right, Jeffrey. What have they ever done outside the box?
Excuse me, but I had a baby from a sperm donor.
That was weeks ago. What have you done recently?
And I dropped out of college to be a model.
That's not unconventional. That's just hurtful.
Look, kids,
now, the big people have thought this through,
and we know what we're doing.
So how does the sex work?
Pardon?
Y-y- you know, the sleeping arrangements.
Y-y- you kids are so funny with your predictable hang-ups.
I'll say.
John, can I speak to you? -Of course.
Where are you boys going? -I've got something in my eye.
And, uh, I'm his doctor.
So that explains that.
What about the sex? -Jeffrey, don't spin out.
Sooner or later, one of us is going to...
have congress with her.
So what happens after that?
You'll pout and then be happy for us.
So... wait!
You've already had sex with her? -No!
Aren't you gonna ask me? -Oh, please.
So you've been plotting this all along, haven't you? -It's not a plot.
It's just inevitable. -Why? Why?
Because there's just no way a woman would choose me over you?
That's what I'm saying, yes.
Oh, I see, and you're such a catch.
A man with 3 ex-wives, who is sleeping on my son's futon.
Well, at least I'm not bald!
What are you talking about?!
Of course, you are! -I have twice as much hair as you!
Everyone says so!
Boys! Everything ok?
Uh, fine, Francie. -We'll be right there, Mar-Mar.
Oh, my God, what are we doing? -We're fighting over her
like we said we wouldn't.
So what now? -We just wait
till Mary Frances tells us what to do.
She's taken us this far.
And she is smokin'. -Hmm.
Problem solved! -Just an eyelash!
Where are the kids? -They left.
Things got a little awkward. -What happened?
There was a lull, during which we could hear every word you said.
What do you expect?
They couldn't handle this from the moment they walked in.
We... we blew their minds. -Hmm.
You know what would really shock them?
The 3 of us should go on a date
t ogether.
Why don't we just shock the world and go on a cruise together?
Let's make love together.
Uh...
who are you addressing?
Both of you.
But that makes 3...
and I only have a queen-size bed.
Enough talking.
I'll be waiting...
in the bedroom.
Well, she's just nuts, right?
I mean, she can't be serious. -She's serious, Jeffrey.
Well, how would that even work?
Should I get another pillow? -Oh,
would you stop worrying about the bedding?
She wants to be naked with us.
That's why I have to focus on the bedding.
I know we agreed to live without limits, but I think I may have reached mine.
Oh, thank god, John, because, really, I don't think I could... -Oh, noooo.
Carpe diem, boys.
But if we were to do this...
we should have some ground rules.
Yes, yes, like eyes closed at all...
I mean, at all times. -But then we can't see her.
Ok, now, listen to me. We'll have a signal.
When it's safe to look, cough 3 times.
2 short...
One long.
Right.
Wait, wait, wait. What if there's cuddling after?
Oh, there's gonna be cuddling. That's my bread and butter.
What's wrong?
I've been told that my skin is as soft as a newborn's.
So? -So, just...
be...
sure.
What took you so long? -We were wrapping leftovers.
Well, now it's time for some unwrapping.
Indeed.
Ooooh! Mama likes the black socks.
What's next?
Watches? -Good.
Mama's getting lonely, boys. -Please stop saying "mama."
Is there a problem? -No.
We took off the watches, we took off the shoes.
I saw.
Now the slacks.
You heard her. Drop your pants. -You drop your pants.
Oh, I'm dropping my pants. -I don't see them dropping.
Says the guy with pants on.
Boys! -Hold on. We're getting there.
All right, together. On 3...
1, 2, 3...
Underwear, too? -I'm not wearing any.
That's disgusting.
If you think that's disgusting, you're in the wrong room.
Boys! -Do you mind?
Yeah, we're gonna get the pants off.
You know what? Don't bother.
What do you mean? We're totally hot for this.
Oh, absolutely. We're gonna squeeze into my bed together,
and we're gonna... we're gonna... do stuff.
No, we're not, and that's ok. I just pushed you too far.
You mean, you're leaving?
I think it's for the best.
Sorry this didn't work out.
Good-bye, boys.
Well. -I know.
We blew her mind.
Deodorant stick.
Good.
Number 61 on the list if things we will never share.
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