Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something...
I'm not saying that. Can she just stop that now?
Aww, he keeps on moving it.
From booze to biscuits.
Red hot deals?
Loads of two-for-ones.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way.
Tick. Tick.
And I'm not doing that tick thing, either!
Am I getting paid for this?
Serves you right.
Valco. Serves you right!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
I feel ridiculous.
A serious medical man, forced to dress like a pill.
Oh, is that what you are?
Oh, I thought you were a sausage.
I look like a wally.
I'd say you look more like a willy.
Well, you didn't have to wear a costume...
Wow, don't you all look a picture?
Some of the costumes...
Sorry, Margaret, what are you dressed as? Sherlock Holmes.
Mm-hmm. Yes. Er, why?
Because you said!
I don't think I did, I think it was pretty clear from the start
that the dress code was supermarket produce.
There's nothing about Sherlock Holmes.
I've wrote it down.
Anyway, I'm sure that we're going to smash
last year's charity total of £2,400.
There's some cracking fund-raising events planned.
Now, you've probably all noticed the car.
Oh, I thought there were something different, Gavin. It's the car.
Well, that's not normally here.
Another mystery solved, Holmes.
It's a nice car, Gav.
Tasty wheels.
I'll give you 200 quid for it.
The car is a prize, Colin.
Raffle tickets are £3 each and it's even open to staff.
Now, I shall be getting in on the charity fun, too.
You've all been adding to the manager's forfeit suggestion box.
Now, some of the suggestions were... genuinely terrifying,
but we've chosen one so, this afternoon,
I shall be having my legs waxed in front of the whole store.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What? You're not going to go with my suggestion?
No, Colin, we won't be going for "bury Gavin alive", no.
It's for charity, mate! It's like...
Er, before we all go,
I'm sure you're aware today is Charlotte's last day.
Er...
Charlie will be leaving us to run the entire company.
But don't worry, I will...
double everyone's pay!
I can do that, can't I, Gavin?
Oh, dear, that really is rather worrying.
So let's just get out there and raise some money.
Gavin! Gavin!
Come here.
Rose, what are you doing in there? Where's your fancy dress?
Oh, I'm not wearing that rubbish. Get in the car.
Now, shut up, Gavin. Listen.
I love going round to my little Collyflower's house at the weekend,
but I have to catch the bus.
Buses are not safe, Gavin.
They're full of sex perverts.
But if I had a shiny new car...
If you want the car,
you'll have to enter the raffle, like everyone else.
I can't afford to spend all my wages on raffle tickets.
Just give me the car, you fool!
Ah. Hey, Colin...
Hello, you! How are ya?
I'm just doing the card collection for Charlie. You got a fiver?
Oh, man. Wallet is in my locker.
But I'll get it to you at lunch time, I promise.
What you getting her?
I dunno. A Next voucher?
Oh, yeah, I'm sure she'll love that.
Oh, no, hang on a minute, she's a millionaire, crap idea.
Why haven't you signed it?
I will, it's just...
I'm finding it difficult.
It's easy.
All right, don't make an effort or anything.
Oh, my God. Mmm.
That's beautiful. Yeah.
It's like you've summed up her whole soul.
Well, like I said, it's easy, innit?
Yeah, it's for charity.
Every time I swear, I've got to put a quid in.
You swear at work? Honestly.
You don't get this at Waitrose.
What? Hang on.
Right.
I'm not having that.
You are a snooty BLEEP BLEEP.
All right, Nev?
Chop, chop.
I'm running a bit late. My costume attracted rather a few dogs.
You still not talking to him?
Would you be if he'd announced to everyone
that you were sleeping with him? Suppose not.
How far have you got?
I'm on the A5046. How about you?
Just left the car park!
I know this isn't the best time to ask,
but now that she's over you, do you mind if I have a crack at Linda?
I've held off until now out of respect,
but come on, Nev, we're both men here. I've got needs.
Your hair is BLEEP BLEEP.
You know, it's amazing what they can do these days.
Do you think they put the peanut inside the chocolate
or the chocolate around the peanut?
Who knows, Margaret? It's like the chicken and the egg.
So we'll do the presentation here this afternoon, if that's OK.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
Brian, I hoped I'd run in to you.
Phillip. Do you two know each other?
Phillip's my brother.
Oh, the doctor? Yes, the doctor.
Would you like a chocolate peanut, Dr Phillip?
It's like the chicken and the egg.
I shall resist, thank you.
You're looking well, Brian. I love the costume.
So what are you doing here, Brian's brother?
I'm here for the fundraiser, representing the hospital.
You guys are doing such an amazing job here.
You said we were raising money for the kiddies, not the hospital.
Well, yes, it's the children's ward.
Paediatrics. Oh, how very worthy, Gavin!
You may as well chuck the money down a well.
More chance of that healing anyone than the quacks over there.
Well, there's certainly a few quacks up there!
Oh, I'm Phillip, look at me, everyone.
I think I'm the best at everything.
You know I beat him in the 100 metres when I was 11 and he was 13.
Bet he didn't tell you that.
Er, no, it didn't crop up, no.
Destroyed him.
Not got time, really, to stop and chat, Brian.
We've got lots to arrange.
It's good to see you, Bri.
You guys should come over for dinner on Saturday.
Oh, yeah. You'd like that, wouldn't you? I would love it.
The kids are always asking why they don't see their cousins more.
I bet they are.
I'll see if me and Alan are free.
And another thing, right...
what the BLEEP BLEEP are you wearing?
You look like a BLEEP BLEEP!
Gavin.
You're in shorts.
For the waxing.
They're, er, very short... shorts.
Yeah, I'm a bit worried about this waxing.
I didn't have leg hair till I was 32. What if it doesn't grow back?
I'm sure you... 32?!
Maybe I should just pull out.
Perhaps a sponsored haircut instead.
Daniel?
Sorry, I'm stuck on Charlie's leaving card. It's so hard.
It just seems like "goodbye" or "all the best" just isn't enough.
Maybe we'll miss her more than we thought.
Yeah.
I suppose I should sign it as well.
Oh, what a touching message.
Oh, Colin. Yeah.
Every leaving card.
Such beautiful imagery.
No, I'm going to have to need a minute.
That's just knocked me for six, that has.
I've bought as many as I can afford.
Still, I can manage without a car.
I can walk everywhere.
Right, Nan, I don't get paid till next week, you know that.
But if I don't have a car, I can't visit my little Collyflower.
I'll be stuck all alone in my stinking, tiny, little bedsit.
Stinking little...?
Nan, you live in a four-bed cottage!
Right, I'm sorry it's come to this.
Give me your dinner money.
Ow! Nan, are you bullying me? Yes.
I'm not going to let anyone just walk away with my car.
Now give me the money!
BOO! Camouflage.
Fair enough.
I really think this might be a bad idea.
Come on, Gavin. Do we all want to see him wax his legs?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or... ready?
We could bury him alive! Ooh.
Phil's an idiot.
Yeah, I agree.
It won't hurt too much, Gavin.
There's hardly any hair there anyway.
My legs were late to develop!
Right, come on, ladies and gents.
He's being very brave and it's for a great cause.
Thanks to all of you here today,
we're able to put more beds on the ward and make a real difference.
If you could see some of the kids, I mean, they are so special.
And I know that they'd be very...
Sorry, I get emotional when I'm talking about them. Er...
Look, everyone, Phil's crying! What a baby.
Where's your nappy, baby Phil?
Right, c'mon, let's wax some legs!
Wax! Wax! Wax! Wax!
Oh, for goodness' sake!
If you want a job doing, do it yourself.
Ooh!
Neville, why don't you come and join us and have some cake?
Sorry? I... Yes, thank you, Sue.
Ah. Is that coffee and walnut?
Yep. Hmm, better not. I'm allergic to nuts.
You're allergic to nuts?
Yes, afraid so. And coffee.
What about almonds? Yes.
Brazil nuts?
Yes. As I say, allergic to all nuts.
Coconuts? Yes, I'm allergic to them, too.
Actually, I think that plate might be setting off some of my allergies.
It's probably best if you get that away from me.
Wow, this is beautiful.
Makes me really believe in myself.
Colin? I know.
Oh!
"I'll really miss you. Love, Daniel."
I'll miss you, too.
Your brother's amazing.
Did you know he even put 250 quid of his own money into that charity?
I donated a signed photo, but I don't bang on about it.
Honestly, why is everyone obsessed with Phil?
I think it's because he's like
a much, much, much better version of you.
What?! I'm the fun, smart one.
But he's a doctor. Money, success...
Yeah, you see it a lot with brothers.
One's successful, the other living in his shadow.
Noel and Liam. Chuckle Brothers.
Gary and Phil Neville.
I am not Phil Neville!
You know, it's a scientific fact that with twins,
when they're in the womb,
one of them literally eats the success out of the other one.
We're not twins!
Look, I'm better than my brother.
Yeah, but he doesn't have to come to work dressed as a giant willy.
I'm a pill!
I'm not going to engage in this.
I've got more dignity.
Let's go and find Phil.
Those poor little kids, so ill.
One of them doesn't even have a face.
All he wants is money for a pen to draw a smile on his little head
so everyone can see how happy he is.
Here, take this. Thanks.
Give me ten raffle tickets, please.
I know he's a bit of a wally,
but look at the divs you've been out with before him.
Less talking and more pedalling, please.
I'm already at Garston. You've not even left Warrington yet.
Neville'll never cheat on you because no-one else would have him.
He'll always take care of you cos he's got nothing else.
You can make him into the man you want because he's totally spineless.
He's perfect!
He had his chance and he blew it. End of.
What's Neville like in bed?
Quick. And loud. Oh!
All right? Yeah.
Look, how do you fancy...
I've got a spare five minutes.
Me. You. Loading bay.
And you can play with me sack.
Oh, yeah. I'm well up for that.
Oh, bring your cheque book, I'm feeling well dirty. Awesome!
Brian?
I'm up here, Margaret.
Oh! Oh, don't jump!
Why not? It's not as if anyone here would care.
They're all too busy worshipping Mr Perfect.
Who's Mr Perfect?
My brother. Oh.
You're Brian Perfect?
What a funny name.
No...
Why don't you come back to the pharmacy?
I used to think that that pharmacy would bring me respect round here,
but as soon as a "proper doctor" turns up, they all respect him.
Okey-doke.
Let me tell you a story, Margaret.
A story about two boys.
Brian and Phillip.
One Christmas Day, Phillip gets a brand-new doctor play set.
Little Brian gets nothing.
Right. Well!
Thank you so much for giving so generously.
I'm now happy to be able to hand over a cheque for £2,150.
Thank you, Gavin. Thank you.
Thank you. Amazing.
Er, sadly we didn't quite make last year's total but, er...
There you are, swear jar.
260 quid.
Hold that, we have now just beaten last year's total.
So well done, Team Valco!
And especially you there, Lisa.
Who would have thought that foul mouth of yours
could be used for something so rewarding?
But now the moment you've all been waiting for.
In this bowl are over 500 raffle tickets
and one of you could become the lucky winner of a brand-new car.
Fingers crossed.
It's like the FA Cup draw, isn't it?
32, Wolverhampton Wanderers, will play...
Oh, for goodness' sake, get on with it!
Yes, sorry.
And the winner is...
You'll be in heaven, it's Green 107!
Can I just check that, sonny?
Oh, never mind. Not a winner.
Anybody?
I think I've got it! What a surprise!
We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen!
Rose!
Where have you been?
Oh, I was just sorting my time sheet.
Making sure I'm down for Monday.
You're not in on Monday.
Yeah, I am. I've, er... decided to stay! What?
Yeah, I just got off the phone with my dad.
I was like "Dad, I don't want to run the company.
"I want to stay in Warrington."
And then I was like,
"Dad, I've also lost my moped. I don't know where it is".
How did he take it?
Badly.
Mopeds aren't expensive, Daniel, but they're not cheap.
Yeah, but he was mainly angry with Gavin.
That's brilliant!
Yeah, I know. Yay, I'm staying!
Oh.
I'm sorry. That was, er...
Nice. Unprofessional.
Oh, no. But nice, really nice. Nice. Er...
Whatever.
I should go.
Do you... Oh, you need to get back to... work?
Where's Brian?
Oh, he's in a terrible sulk.
He's got a bee in his bonnet.
He thinks nobody here respects him as a proper doctor.
Well, he's not a proper doctor, is he?
No, but that's not really the point.
If only there were some way he could prove himself.
Now, I don't suppose you've got anything
for a broken heart back there?
Got some Fisherman's Friends.
No, I don't think they'll cut it.
Er, I know what would cheer you up, Neville.
A chocolate. Oh! Thank you, Margaret, yes.
Peanuts?!
I did... We...
Oh, no, Neville is hurt, who will save him? Help! Help!
What's happened?
I don't know. One minute he was fine, the next he went all funny.
Neville! God, Neville?
Neville?! Gavin, do something!
Ow! Ah!
My legs are still very tender.
Brian will know what to do.
Where are you, Dr Brian!?
Did somebody call for me?
Brian, help! Neville's gone all twitchy.
I heard there was an emergency.
Oh, thank goodness.
Er, right, er... looks like anaphylactic shock.
He's going to need...
An EpiPen, I know.
And I know where they're kept.
Do you know why, Phillip?
Because I am a pharmacist.
Yes, I may not be a fancy doctor.
I may not work in a hospital.
But I'm a man.
A man who...
He's dying, Brian.
Oh, yes.
He's going to be all right.
I love you, Neville... I love you.
I don't care who knows it.
I love Neville!
I do, Sue, I love him.
Gavin! Look!
I love my new car.
Thank you for fixing the raffle.
I didn't!
I'm still not going to sleep with you, though,
so you can get all those mucky thoughts right out of your head.
That was amazing.
Yeah, you were like an actual superhero.
Just doing my job...
saving lives.
I love it, Collyflower.
Yes!
Oh, Nan, you do know you obviously need a licence to drive this?
Nonsense.
Vroom, vroom! Oh.
So maybe we'll see you guys on Saturday night?
I don't know.
If I do come round,
I don't want you to go to pieces like you did earlier.
I'm not sure that's quite what happened.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
Bye, Phil.
Goodbye, Brian.
Vroom, vroom!
OK, OK, Nana. That's enough.
It's been fun. Come on.
Let's get home.
Hang on! No. Just another minute.
Nana, home.
Oh, you were so heroic, Dr Brian.
Oh, please, it was nothing.
But, yeah, I was amazing.
I still don't know how it happened, though.
I mean, surely Neville must've known that he couldn't eat nuts.
Let's just say, he had a helping hand.
Margaret, you could've killed him!
Oh, don't be daft.
You can't die from a little peanut.
Seriously, a lot of people do, every year.
Oh, you are a one, Brian.
It was like it was... See ya.
Like it was beckoning me and I...
Oh, thank you.
And I said, "No, I'm not going."
Do you know what? I take back what I said earlier.
Who cares about doctors?
I'm a pharmacist, with a trusty assistant
and the respect of my colleagues.
I've got everything I need right here.
Oh!
Oh, Brian!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.