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Action.
John Mulaney, parent-repped,
3'8", and reading for Kevin.
Mulaney - 01x08 It's a Wonderful Home Alone
sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com
Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay?
Aww, so sweet.
I got a Christmas card from my student loan officer.
Oh, this isn't a card.
What?
How do I owe more money this year than last year?
I swear, it's like they're adding
little bits of money to it every year.
Okay.
So I got gifts for you, Oscar, and Andre.
And I got a gift for my uncle who skis in Jeans.
I got him jeans.
And I got gifts for you, Oscar, Andre,
and a gift card for Steven Spielberg.
Plant the seed.
Okay, I could be wrong, but I feel like we're forgetting someone.
Me. You're forgetting me.
You both forgot to get me gifts.
It's fine. You have a couple days.
John, you are so hard to shop for.
You dress like the man who owns Garfield,
and you're equally difficult to read.
Yeah, I guess I am a pretty plain guy.
I do like Seltzer.
They do make those Seltzer makers, so...
What?
I gotta go.
Lou Cannon is hosting the network Christmas special
again this year, and I'm producing it.
We're going head-to-head with ABC's holiday bash,
hosted by Jesse Tyler Munoz.
See, I feel like a network doing a Christmas special
is like an old man getting dressed up to go out.
It's sweet, but it's like,
what do you think's gonna happen, man?
Anyway, I'm gonna be working late on Wednesday,
so I won't be able to go to hoboken to see Filipino Santa.
Oh, that's our Christmas tradition.
I know, but I'm sure that he'll be real thin
and smoking a long cigarette next year, too.
Oh, nice. Home Alone is on.
Oh, no, turn that off. John can't watch it.
It's okay, Jane.
I don't mind.
When I was a kid, I auditioned for the lead in Home Alone.
Ooh, here we go.
I wish I'd gotten it, but, uh,
I didn't.
And it's fine.
I like my life how it is.
Child acting is rough.
When I was six, I went out for Harry in When Harry Met Sally.
They let you read for that part?
My audition was just me singing Rockin' Robin
while my mom sat in the corner clapping.
I made it to the final callback.
Oh, hello.
I was just heading out to sing holiday ballads.
- You mean caroling? - I don't sing Carols.
I sing self-composed songs about the holidays.
Oh, all right. Let's hear one.
Stuff like that.
You wrote that?
Well, it's the story of a reindeer from the Bronx
who dreams of being on Broadway
and eventually dies from sleeping pills,
so it kind of wrote itself.
But it's the first time that a dog adopted an actress.
A lot of happy people out there today.
Thanks for watching Celebrity Moves.
I'm Jesse Tyler Munoz.
Tune in mañana, and don't forget to watch
when I host ABC's holiday bash this Saturday on ABC.
See what I mean?
What? There was no setup.
You just turned on the TV.
I mean Jesse Tyler Munoz and his special.
Why do people like this guy?
Every year he wins an Alma Award. I've never even been nominated.
Remember, Lou, we talked about why you're not nominated for Alma Awards.
Yeah, I know, I know.
But he's probably not hispanic either.
My rivalry with Munoz is getting ugly.
That's why I need you to guard my special's lineup with your life.
That jerk already stole my idea of doing it in December.
Oh, we booked the Zoggles?
Yes.
They're the second most popular puppet ensemble in the world.
- The muppets doing a gig in Dubai again? - Always.
I also secured the rights to a sexy holiday classic.
- You know Baby, It's Cold Outside? - Oh, of course.
Well, I couldn't get that one.
But I did get the rights to another
somewhat rapey-sounding Christmas song,
Mr. Snowman Is Mixing You A Drink.
In the '60s, a series
of catchy, sexually aggressive Christmas tunes were written.
Baby, Snowman, and of course
Santa Ain't Leaving Till He Gets Your Cookies.
Well, I am very proud to be producing this.
And this is the best part.
We are doing a holiday tribute to the classic Home Alone
- with a cameo by Macaulay Culkin. - No!
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, Lou. Sorry, sorry, I...
I have a bad history with Macaulay Culkin.
In 1990, I auditioned for the movie Home Alone.
Yeah, so did I.
Well, I auditioned for the role of eight-year-old Kevin McCallister.
Uh-huh. Me too.
Lou, I don't mean to talk about it at work,
but that role should have been mine.
I had the better audition, and Macaulay somehow stole the part.
If you saw my audition, if you saw how I nailed it,
- you would know what I mean. - Oh, I didn't know you acted as a child.
Yes, I was in a church of latter-day saints commercial
where I split a cupcake.
Home Alone was the only movie I ever auditioned for, though.
I quit after that because when I didn't get the part
they offered me the job of Macaulay's stand-in.
And you turned it down?
That's a union gig, brother.
Mac's back.
- Culkin? - No.
Yes.
He's doing a cameo in Lou's holiday special.
Well, I for one was never going to watch it.
How am I supposed to work with Macaulay around? I can't stand him.
When I saw the movie My Girl, I rooted for the bees.
And when I saw Richie Rich, I rooted for the bees from My Girl.
John, relax.
It's not 1990.
It's not like Mac's some big star anymore.
Yeah, just keep your head down
and ignore him, like I do comedians who play the guitar.
Hey, guys.
Oh, should I leave my snow boots out in the hall?
You can leave all of you out in the hall.
Come on, I wanna hang out.
I hate winter.
My mom always dresses me in ridiculous clothing.
Luckily, I changed in the lobby.
I wish I could afford my own place.
Well, you know, Lou's special is looking for extras.
It's pretty good money for anyone looking for extra cash around the holidays.
You know,
to buy their friends gifts with.
What?
All right. I can get through this.
It's just Macaulay Culkin. No one cares.
Oh, my God, it's Macaulay Culkin.
Everyone cares!
John. John, Macaulay's here.
I know you two have a history, and I don't want it to be awkward,
so why don't you scurry out the back door and get his lunch?
He says he wants "a large cheese pizza, just for me."
He said the words "I want a large cheese pizza,
just for me"?
Yeah.
But it was cuter the way he said it.
Strange.
Macaulay! Hi, there.
Excuse me. Where do the extras go?
Hey. How are you?
Oh, another day, you know?
I hear that.
Why don't you take your head off?
Breathe a little.
I wish, right?
Oh, I'm serious.
These Zoggle costumes are thick.
You could pass out in there.
People talk about heatstroke in the NFL.
No one's talking about puppet heatstroke.
I guess because it's a very limited problem.
Mm.
I'm not a puppet.
Right, right, right.
We're Zoggles.
Zoggles, Stoners.
Call us what you will.
Just legalize it, right?
Do you see through the eyes or the mouth in that thing?
The eyes.
I didn't think the other way was possible.
All right, well, we got a big day of choreography.
We should head to stage.
I hate this special.
Then you and I have something in common, mi amigo.
Jesse Tyler Munoz?
In the flesh. One and the same.
You have a much thicker Spanish accent in real life.
I wanted to show the world that I could win Alma Awards
with just a smidge of my heritage.
So you're working on the Cannon Christmas special?
You need to get out of here, Munoz. You're not gonna steal a thing from us.
Pfft, like I need to steal anything from you guys.
Decorations, lights...
You need to write down "lights," Munoz? Get out of here.
Fine.
I have to host the countdown
for the top ten worst dog beach bodies of the year
for the "E exclamation point" channel.
But as I said to my doorman this morning,
you have not seen the last
of Jesse Tyler Munoz.
Column.
Big present.
Great rehearsal.
Whoever built your Zoggle body
is a genius.
Yeah, well...
God made me special.
All glory to God.
Well, I should probably get out of this suit and call my wife.
It's so hard staying faithful in this business,
but I try to be a good bird,
at least while I'm in town.
Cool.
All right.
I'm gonna pass out for a second.
Someone left this Zoggle out.
Box it up for tomorrow.
What's up, baby boy?
Hey, guys.
Thanks for dropping by. I was having a really rough day.
Pssh, us too. Aww.
We've been trying to find a gift for you.
We even went to Hoboken to ask the Filipino Santa,
but he just cackled through his cigarette and gave us these weird ginger snaps.
So what, you got me a poster?
Oh, actually this is a Home Alone poster
I got in third grade.
Do you think Mac would sign it, maybe?
Bitch. Come here, come here.
Come on. What are you gonna do?
How could you ask me to do that?
John, Macaulay was one of the first boys I had a crush on
who wasn't one of my cousins.
Before him, I didn't know little boys could be blond.
I didn't know they could not have mustaches.
John, I hear Munoz snuck in here yesterday.
That fake hispanic.
Okay, so we're gonna rehearse without Macaulay.
That way, if Munoz sneaks in again,
he won't know what we're doing.
So I'll play my part,
and you'll stand there dressed as Mac.
I'm sorry, did you just ask me to be Macaulay Culkin's stand-in
after I very clearly told you that was a childhood acting wound of mine?
Oh, I didn't know you acted as a child.
No.
I'm not gonna be Macaulay Culkin's stand-in
because I was supposed to have that role
and I was supposed to be friends with Michael Jackson
and rap in his Black Or White video.
And I would've been a real friend to Michael and not let him take naps with anesthesia.
Nothing could have saved Michael Jackson.
Not to be repeated, but...
He was troubled.
That's not the point.
I was supposed to have Mac's life, not this life.
You know what?
I don't want to work on your stupid special.
John, come back.
You're the only one who knows where I parked.
God, he really thinks his life would've been better if he got Home Alone.
I think I know what we can get Mulaney this Christmas.
Hmm?
You remember when we were watching It's A Wonderful Life?
Yeah, was that that gray movie about the guy with the annoying voice?
Mulaney's loyalty is shattered, my teeth have never been whiter,
and the secrets of the Cannon Christmas special
have fallen directly into my lap.
JT Munoz will emerge victorious este navidad.
- JT Munoz! - Oh, good to meet you, bro.
- Get out of here, man. - Selfie bros!
Yeah.
Y ahora a mi coche.
Guys?
Guys, what did you do?
I don't like whatever's happening.
Say...
You that famous child star, ain't ya?
What you doing in this dump?
Okay, I get it. It's A Wonderful Life.
Only my friends call me Motif.
Why, I'm not even a stand-up comic.
- Nice transition. - Mm.
I wanted to be, though.
Oh, you wrote a whole thing. Okay.
When comedy went bust, I went into the cookie business.
Heard there was big money in that.
But the drought came and ruined my chocolate chip garden.
So you sat down to brainstorm jobs other than comedian,
and you came up with cookie farmer,
and you think that chocolate chips grow on trees?
Would that they did, John.
Would that they did.
Very nice.
A lot of unnecessary backstory but very nice.
Here I come. Who's here? I'm blind!
Okay, I don't want to be blind.
Who's here? Oh.
It's that famous boy.
You were in Home Alone.
Yes, I was, and how has this affected you,
other than your speaking voice?
Well, because you were famous,
I never had a friend in college to cheat off of.
Okay, and don't forget the part
where you promised to hook up with me if I helped you cheat,
and then I did, and then you hooked up with Adam Connelly.
Oh, my God, I was such a bitch.
Anyhow, I failed out of school.
Had to get work running a saloon.
Jane's place.
- I know it may not be fancy, but... - No, it's not, because it's the kitchen.
Now, I don't mean to poke a big hole here,
but how do you two idiots know each other since I introduced you?
- We're married. - We're married.
You're married?
Okay, well, then why don't you two have sex in front of me?
- Well, okay, I'm gonna... - That's not what this is.
Look...
It's our baby.
We named him John after the friend we never had.
Wow, my hat's off to you on that detail.
Oh, don't you see?
This all happened because you were never born.
Uh, because you were in Home Alone.
Brava, brava.
All right, I'm leaving.
But wherever you got these rentals,
the open fireplace in the apartment? That's our security deposit right there.
There he is. It's John Mulaney.
Flash, flash. I'm the paparazzi.
Oscar, please don't join in on this.
Join in on what?
I just got this new camera.
Okay, Jane and Motif, what did you get me now?
"Midwest Casting Services."
1990 John Mulaney Home Alone audition?
God, I can't wait to relive the glory.
John Mulaney, parent-repped,
3'8", and reading for Kevin.
Kevin, look what you did. You spilled the soda.
Line?
Okay, I got it.
Son, are you sure you should be in the grocery store all by yourself?
I'm John Mulaney, I'm Home Alone, and I'm loving every minute of it!
Let's move on to the second scene.
What? I didn't know there was a second scene.
This is not how I work.
Get me a Seltzer!
Oh, my God, I was terrible.
I was never gonna get that part.
I'm amazed they offered me stand-in.
The ABC holiday bash with me, Jesse Tyler Munoz,
is just one hour away.
See me and the Zoggles perform Whether You Like It Or Not,
Mr. Snowman is driving you home.
Munoz stole Lou's special.
I got so caught up in my imaginary rivalry with Macaulay
that I let my guard down.
I have to get that lineup back.
Enough of this Home Alone stuff.
This is my special. I have to protect it.
This is it.
Don't get scared now.
Hello!
Oh!
Sidja widja fudja...
What the hell was that?
It was a paint can.
The heaviest thing known to man.
Someone tries to burgle me on Christmas, they get...
Home Alone'd!
Is that what happens in that movie? I've never actually seen it.
Oh, yes, it's a perfectly constructed movie.
Macaulay Culkin steals a toothbrush,
so he cannot call the police. Everything connects.
Joe Pesci's performance es perfecto.
Okay, I'll check it out. Yeah, you can get it on Blu-ray.
It's probably streaming, too, so...
But you come to confront me.
And you are too late, my pequeñito pollo,
for I have bought the rights to the song Mr. Snowman,
and I have a contract
con los Zoggles.
Well, a contract with the Zoggles
doesn't cover non-Zoggles.
Andre!
Dad!
Aww.
I'm taking you with me.
These people are treating you like a puppet.
Oh, they think I'm a puppet?
That explains, like, 80% of the conversations I had this week.
Let's go.
No!
Not the nerdy dog.
He was the best one.
30 seconds!
Lou.
I'm sorry I stormed off and let Munoz steal the special,
but I think I can save it.
I'm sorry, too, John, but it's too late.
I asked Santa for a great special,
and he let me down.
I'm so mad at Santa.
So hurtful.
It's gonna be great.
I couldn't get all the Zoggles back,
but I did get the best puppet in New York.
- Wait, you want me to be a puppet again? - Play along. I'll give you $100.
- 50. - Deal.
And I couldn't get the rights to Mr. Snowman,
but I did find the composer
of Santa Ain't Leaving Till He Gets Your Cookies.
On behalf of my flatbush Avenue doo-wop group,
the rights are yours.
Oh, thank you. Thank you, but...
But we're still one act short.
Macaulay Culkin has backed out of the sketch with me.
Apparently he doesn't like playing himself on television.
I have an idea.
Most of the lines are yours, right?
All of them.
I'll be his stand-in.
I'll stand there in his costume in a blond wig,
and we'll shoot it from behind, and we'll say it's Macaulay.
You'd be his stand-in?
'Cause I know that was always a...
Dream of yours?
It was actually a big problem for me.
- Ah. - But I'll do it tonight.
Because I realized I was never meant to have his life,
and I'm lucky to have the life that I do.
- Aw. - Ten seconds!
The special started ten seconds ago.
Get off, get off.
We go. We go. We go.
Ladies and gentlemans, Macaulay Culkin!
Thank you and a good night! And a happy holidays to all nationalities.
Ooh, hey, there's your name.
You are associated with this. I'm sorry.
Guys, I wanna thank you for your gift.
By showing me that audition tape, I learned that I meant to have
the wonderful life that I do. I can't think in a better Christmas present.
We didn't get you a tape.
We got these homemade coupons.
20% off any laundry detergent if you buy...
You know, when you do homemade coupons,
It's supposed to be for services that you would provide,
nevermind. Thank you.
So, wait. Who got me the tape? Oscar?
No. I got you a Seltzer maker.
I mean, duh, the guy loves Seltzer.
The tape wasn't from me,
though I did see a Filipino Santa drop something off.
He was smoking a long cigarette.
Wait, does that mean?
Filipino Santa?
Is the real Santa?
Hi, hi, hi!
Okay. Hi. Okay. Nice guys.
I nailed, didn't I? Come on, you can tell me.
sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com