If you are not here by five o'clock we will kill your wife.
This is our moment! We've been chosen!
I'm a Town Planning
and Noise Guidance Advisor for Berkshire County Council!
"Small town, big future."
You're a 31-year-old Mail Distribution Assistant who
lives with his mum!
What did I tell you about watching mucky ladies?
They're not happy.
Guys, who wants to go go-karting?
No-one wants to go go-karting.
I'll come.
We're going to cross a lot of bridges, Sam, jump a lot of hurdles.
I don't know what you're talking about and I don't...
I'm talking about rolling deep!
Get in. Does the name Marat Milankovic mean anything to you?
Did he play for Stoke?
You keep safe, tell no-one.
Milankovic can identify Russian agents working here
and in the States.
Oh, my God, they killed Marat!
This is real now, this is Lizzie's life.
I will do the same to her if you don't bring the documents to
Brimpton Airfield within the next half an hour.
Don't do it, Paul. We'll have to shoot.
That list of names is worth more than this kid's life.
Put your hands on your head!
Arrgh!
- You took a bullet for me. - That's what friends do.
Best friends.
You've got to explode it. If you don't explode it, it doesn't mean anything.
Yeah, can I get one chicken fillet combo meal, mega,
twice as spicy, with a strawberry milkshake.
And...
Sam?
Er, spicy bean burger, please.
One nice 'n' spicy bean burger meal.
~ Just the burger, please. ~ No, one sec.
A drink on its own is 99p and hot and crunchy wedges are £1.50.
I won't drink the drink, or the wedges.
~ 'So what do you want?' ~ One second. Deal or no deal, Sam?
~ No deal. ~ And a spicy bean burger meal deal.
~ Enjoying your drink? ~ All right, don't be like that. We paid for it so I'm drinking it.
Is that for us?
Can I see your driver's licence, please, sir?
Sorry, what's this about?
It's about me asking him for his driver's licence.
~ I think if you radio your superiors... ~ Broken tail light.
~ And tell them you've just pulled over Samuel Pinkett... ~ Tread on these tyres is dangerously low.
.. and Philip Bourne, you'll be told to stand down and be on your way.
~ Step out of the vehicle. ~ Why? ~ I asked you to step out of your car.
~ And I have asked you why? ~ If you do not step out of your car, I will...
~ Why should I get out of the car? ~ Phil, you're making it worse.
No, Sam. Stand your ground, this is entrapment.
We're going nowhere, right.
Get out of the car.
GET OUT OF THE CAR!
'You are listening to KPPQ, the hottest music in South Texas.'
♪ It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... ♪
'Make a U-turn when possible.
'Make a U-turn when...'
♪ One in the park as well
♪ The sturdy kind that doesn't mind the snow
♪ It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
♪ Soon the bells will start... ♪
Open up, Frank.
♪ And the thing that will make them ring is the carol that you sing
♪ Right within... ♪
Terry?
♪ Your heart. ♪
Terry?
Yes?
Are you drinking, Terry, in my yard?
Just water.
I think I can forgive you, if maybe...
.. you do up my blouse.
~ Sorry? ~ My blouse is a little... undone.
Look. Isn't it?
Pervert!
Guys? Can I...?
Can I just get everybody's...? Guys?
Guys?
Guys, can I just get one minute...
Hey, listen up! Ian's got something to say.
~ Thanks, Raul. ~ No problem, man. ~ Appreciate that.
Um, just a quickie. I don't know if anybody's seen this,
I just thought it might be nice if we all go to the rodeo.
So, I mean, I think it would be fun.
There's fireworks and there's a free kids' corral.
Just put your hands up if you fancy it. Yes, Raul.
Chuck, are you in? Course you are. Don? Donny? Yes. Anyone else?
Terry?
Terry? Everyone else is coming.
I'm busy.
Well, I haven't said when yet.
I know.
What was that all about?
~ What? ~ You know what, embarrassing me in front of my friends.
I just don't want to go rodeo.
Come off it. You'd love the rodeo, you're just being facetious.
~ Facetious? ~ Yes. Facetious.
And what does facetious mean?
I'm looking at it.
~ Hi. ~ Hey, man, what are you doing?
Check your list, man. This ain't your load.
Sorry.
Get out of here, man.
Sorry.
Hello?
'Hello. Am I speaking to Mrs Bourne?'
Yes, that's me. Sorry, little bit out of breath.
'That's OK. I'm calling from your car insurance company.
'Our system says that your policy is up for renewal.'
Oh, no, I think you must have a mistake on your system there.
Because I actually cancelled it about, oh,
about eight or nine months ago now.
Oh, why was that?
Well, it was damaged, so I had to get a new car.
Different colour this time, though, because my old one was pink
and my son hated it, so, so for the new one I decided to try
and get a colour that he would have approved of.
It's lime green.
Lime green!
What makes you think he would have approved of that?
Philip had a lime green rucksack at school.
'Yes, which I'm sure was a huge embarrassment to him'
and he resented every second he was forced to wear it.
No, he loved it.
'But I'm sorry to have taken up'
too much of your time.
I will update our computer system records accordingly.
All right, thank you.
Thank you. Good day.
Bye.
Oh, he's gone. Bye-bye. That's a nice young man.
How did it go?
Oh, you know, same old story.
It's the Prime Minister begging for me back.
I said to him, get someone else to do it, Tony.
But you were the best brain and heart surgeon in Britain.
Europe, but yeah, you're right.
You know, sometimes I do miss it, saving people's lives.
But who was fixing me?
~ Kate Winslet couldn't. ~ That puta.
You know I hate her for what she did to you.
Don't! It wasn't Kate's fault, in a way.
I was so wrapped up in myself
and work that I couldn't cater for her needs.
But I'll never do that to you.
I've given it all up for you.
Oh, Ian!
You are so amazing.
Hey. Rosa's invited us round to hers for Christmas,
which I thought might be fun.
You know, be a bit of a full house with her brothers and that, but...
What are you looking at?
Watch.
They're traffickers. They hide stuff in with the shipments.
Drugs, knock-off goods, people.
It's none of our business.
This could be our ticket home.
You've got to stop talking like that. This IS our home.
It isn't and it never will be.
When are you going to start looking on the bright side?
This is a fresh start.
The weather's good, the accommodation is free.
There's any number of reasons why this is great.
You'll find another girlfriend in Bracknell.
Rosa's not just my girlfriend, she's my soul mate, my companion.
Mentally, spiritually and yes, sexually.
It's a sexual relationship. We're having sex.
She thinks you're a former pro-wrestler who also found
time to be a heart and brain surgeon,
before giving it all up to come and do stunts on a forklift truck.
And there it is, there it is.
I'm sorry I've got a forklift driving licence,
and yes, that's opened doors for me. It is not a level playing field.
I walk in there, I'm queen bee, I'm Top Of The Pops,
I'm a big noise, yeah.
I'm someone at Gopher Distribution Incorporated
and you can't bloody stand it!
Wow!
~ You're right, Phil. ~ Yes.
It's actually a relief to hear it out loud.
~ Good. ~ I mean, yes, the moment I'd got back with Lizzie,
the love of my life, I was ripped away from her and dumped in a shitty
town in the middle of the desert on the other side of the world.
But your...
forklift driving licence...
.. that's what really...
.. gnaws away at me!
I don't know who you are any more.
~ Wait. ~ What?
There's the match I leave in the door. Someone's inside.
It probably just blew off in the wind.
Argh!
Not quite the welcome I was expecting, boys.
Why are you here? Did they catch someone?
Sorry, if I'd have known we were expecting guests,
I'd have got something in.
Actually, I brought you some Christmas pressies.
Yeah, some things... I thought...
you might be missing.
Did they find out who planted the bomb?
Like some biccies.
No, Terry, they haven't caught anyone.
This is merely a routine catch-up just to see how you're settling in.
I'm glad you're here, though,
because I've been doing some thinking.
~ What if the bomb was planted the day before? ~ I hadn't seen this.
The way I see it, these are our suspects.
Reid didn't know we'd stitched him up until after the bomb had
been planted, so it couldn't have been him.
Looks a bit serial killer.
So either your double agent still had some influence,
even after he was caught, or it's the FSB, somehow.
~ Terry... ~ But why would they bother?
Apart from revenge, in which case it must be personal,
which I think means we're just looking for one person...
~ Terry... ~ Which is a completely...
~ Stop. ~ I'm saying, why can't we just go home?
You could put us under surveillance, give us armed guards.
~ We could... ~ You need to destroy this. Right now.
This goes against everything we agreed.
I didn't agree anything with you.
I am here under the full authority of the Director of the Security Services.
Exactly. You're the cub scout.
I want to speak to Akela.
'It's OK, Collins,'
I'm sure Her Majesty will just pop the salmon in the microwave when I get back.
'You made a choice. You can't go back on that.
'You knew that if you stayed in Bracknell, you risked not only your own lives,'
but the lives of your families and loved ones.
You chose to protect those people and stay alive,
'and you understood that that was a permanent decision.'
Yes, then. But now I've figured out that if...
'This is not something you can call time on.'
Get it into your head - Samuel Pinkett and Philip Bourne are dead.
'Do you understand?'
Yes.
Then don't contact me again unless it's a matter of national security.
Now, don't do anything silly,
don't make any contact with any one you knew.
As long as you stay here, you're safe.
Jesus!
I thought you were dead.
Yuri never told you he had a brother?
We're monozygotic twins.
Or at least we were.
Right.
How did you get permission to come here?
Wherever here is.
Special diplomacy between Russia and UK.
FSB are cleaning up your operation.
They need to know if there are any loose ends
~ they should be aware of, anyone else who would know what happened. ~ No, Milankovic was shot.
Er, so was his associate.
Now your... your brother was killed by Pinkett and Bourne,
but I heard that they died in a car bomb.
Yes, I heard the bodies were unidentifiable.
Yeah, I see.
And no-one else knew more than the names on that list,
apart from me.
Good.
I am finished with him.
No!
Back up, back up! I'm being attacked!
What are you talking about?
I'm sorry, Terry.
It's just until we agree another contract with a cleaning firm.
It's OK.
Are you crazy? What if someone sees us?
I am married, Terry.
♪ It wasn't God who made honky tonk angels
♪ As you said in the words of your song... ♪
'I know what I saw and I don't believe for a second
'that MI5 have shared the truth with us.
'We need a full and public inquiry.
'We need the truth.'
Shit!
'I don't understand why we can't go to Cafe Rouge.'
Who doesn't like Cafe Rouge?
Because we have it here every year.
The whole point of an office party is that it's at your office.
If we worked at Cafe Rouge, I'd be with you, Noel.
~ How about Chiquitos? ~ Chiquitos I don't mind.
Lizzie, what do you think? Lizzie?
Sorry, yeah, um, keep it in the office, I suppose.
What about dress code?
'Oh, hello. Am I speaking with Mrs Bourne?'
I'm afraid she's not here.
She was actually taken into hospital late last night.
Is there something I can help with?
~ Hospital? ~ 'That's right.
'I'm her neighbour. I've just come to get some things for her,
'you know. She's able to sit up every now and again.'
Well, what's the matter with her?
'It's her heart.
'The nurse I spoke to said she's very poorly.
'This last year has been particularly hard for her.
'She was going to be spending Christmas with us,
'but I don't know if she'll make it that far.
'Oh, sorry, I've probably said too much, haven't I?'
No, that's fine. Thanks, Jan.
'How do you know my name?
'Hello?'
Terry, I need to speak to you.
What is it?
Don't be cross with me, OK. Promise?
~ My mum's ill and it's... ~ Wait, how do you know about your mum?
~ I've been calling home. ~ What?! ~ I said don't be cross.
~ Are you mad? ~ I use a pay phone, I put on an accent. ~ Have you got any idea... ~ Just listen to me!
OK, she's been taken into hospital and Janice our neighbour said
she doesn't think she's going to make it till Christmas.
And I can't bear the thought of her being on her own, Sam, I can't.
First she lost my dad and then she thinks I am dead
and it's just, I've got to be with her, Sam, right. I've got to leave now.
~ This is what I've been saying. ~ I know, I'm sorry.
Are you serious about this?
Yes.
Good. Because I've got an idea.
But we are going to cross a lot of bridges, OK.
And jump a lot of hurdles,
and I need to know that I'm with someone who's prepared to roll deep.
Are you prepared to roll deep?
That's how I roll.
Let's go home, Phil.
'You boys better be careful'
throwing these accusations around.
You never know who might get mad at you.
We're not looking for trouble, we're just asking for help.
We know you move people across the border.
Can you help us get documents to get back to Britain?
That's what I'm saying to you.
I don't do that stuff.
Well, can you tell us who does?
Please?
'Now listen, this guy you're about to meet, Carlos Espinosa,
'he ain't the kind of guy that likes to be found.
'So you mess him around, then I get messed around.
'You understand?'
I can't believe I'm helping you to leave.
But you're right, this was never going to work long-term.
But I can still think about you.
About last night,
~ when I'm in the... ~ Oh, no, I get it, thank you.
There's no-one here.
I just want you to know that what you did with Maria last night
was nothing short of heroic and will never be forgotten.
I hope you're wrong,
because I'll be trying to forget it as soon as possible.
I have spent most of my life moving things,
drugs, guns, people, into America.
If somebody tells me they have two guys who want to get out,
I couldn't believe it was true.
But you are real.
You sure you are real?
Yes, yeah.
The thing is, we can't travel on our passports, so we need someone to...
Which one of you has a sick mother?
I do. That's me.
I know what it's like to lose family without being able to say goodbye.
We got together all the money we could get our hands on.
It's 1,800 dollars.
We help you.
Call me a sentimental old fool, or maybe I'm just
excited about the idea of getting someone out for a change.
You'll hear from us soon.
Hello, gentlemen. David Kinsmann. Today is your lucky day.
Did Carlos send you?
I have no idea who you're talking about.
Carlos Espinosa, Mexican fella, lives in a cave?
No, we get it.
Laurence Gilliard and Ryan Castaine.
You're musicians.
What, like buskers or a professional band?
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
I'll probably the frontman.
~ Why is that such a given? ~ Isn't it obvious?
Look, the important part is that you work out your stories
and they're the same as each other's.
In case anybody asks any questions, learn your dates of birth,
etc, etc. I got to go.
Hang on, these flights are today.
Yeah. If I were you I'd head off pretty quickly.
You do not want to miss that flight.
What are you doing?
I'm leaving a note for Rosa.
No! Absolutely not. We can't leave a trail.
I can't just go without saying goodbye.
Yes, we can, that's the deal.
But it's half price Tuesdays.
We were going to see Madagascar 4 tonight.
We're only going to get one chance at this, Phil.
If you want to see your mum, we've got to get it right.
I'm sorry about Rosa, I really am.
It's OK.
It'll be out on DVD soon anyway.
~ Date of birth? ~ September 14th, 1983.
~ Place of birth? ~ Flint, Michigan. ~ Very good.
Where are you flying to today, gentlemen?
We be going to London, England, or as I call it, the 53rd state.
We're going to drink us some tea, butter up a scone,
maybe eat some fish and chips, nice and crispy, crispy batter.
Did you pack these cases yourselves?
You're goddamn right I did.
I put my clothes all up in that suitcase.
Janine, can I borrow you a second?
One moment, sirs.
OK.
What was that?
~ What? ~ That voice?
It's my American accent. You should practice yours.
YOU should practice YOURS!
You sound African American.
Not me. Laurence Gilliard.
Laurence Gilliard isn't black either, you've got the same face.
Just let me do the talking, OK?
Sorry about that.
Do you have any dietary requirements for your flight today?
Let me think... Er, no, ma'am, I'll probably sleep most of the way,
so I'll be happy as long as I can get a cup of coffee.
OK. Well, enjoy your flight.
"A cwup of cwoffee"?
All right, it's harder than I thought.
Damn straight.
Let's just try not to talk from now on.
Final call for flight 228 to London. Please make your way to gate 15.
We're really doing it, Sam.
~ We're going home. ~ I know.
Mr Castaine, Mr Gilliard?
I'm Special Agent Miller.
Would you please come with me?
So you're musicians?
And what, you were going over to England to play some shows?
Which one of you plays guitar?
And these must be yours?
Let's hear something then.
♪ So I'm going home
♪ To see your face again
♪ Can't wait to come down that road
♪ Constantly looking for a friend
♪ Oh, baby, coming home
♪ To see my baby, see my baby
♪ I'm more seen as your baby
♪ And you're coming and away
♪ Everybody listening to word that me say
♪ Bra-ta-ta-come-atta-choochi -dong-day
♪ And I'm not Peter Ustinov baby, OK? ♪
Ryan Castaine and Laurence Gilliard, I'm arresting you for possession
and intent to traffic cocaine,
under section 841 of the Controlled Substance Act.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you do say may be held against you in a court of law.
Please, you have to listen!
We bought fake passports, OK?
We didn't know about the drugs!
We only knew about the passports.
We're in witness protection and we had to break it
because we need to get home.
We were given the bags. We're not Ryan and Laurence.
~ No, we're not even Terry and Ian. ~ Would you two shut up?
~ I'm Philip Bourne. ~ And I'm Sam Pinkett.
We were given the passports by Carlos Espinosa.
He must have planted the drugs.
~ Say that name again. ~ Philip Bourne. ~ No.
Carlos Espinosa?
Pull over.
You, get back in the vehicle.
How do you know Carlos Espinosa?
We were in witness protection, but we decided we had to leave.
I found out that my mum was poorly.
We were introduced to Espinosa
because we were told he could get us home.
We didn't know he was going to use us as drug donkeys.
Mules.
And you're willing to say this?
On the record, in front of a Federal Judge?
Yeah.
It's the truth.
OK.
Get back in.
Well, where are we going?
I need 24 hours to check out your story.
Until then, you've still been charged
and you're still going to jail.
Agh, agh, agh!
Get up.
Let's roll, ladies.
Welcome to paradise.
Here's your suite.
Freshly vacated.
Two white boys just like y'all got transferred out
last night for their own safety.
~ I want my phone call. ~ Me too.
You get one phone call every 90 days for good behaviour.
We're not going to be here that long.
We're actually innocent.
Oh, why didn't you say?
We've got some much nicer rooms for the innocent ones.
Really?
I think he was being sarcastic.
Hm.
Oh, God!
Listen to me, Sam, you cannot show any weakness, OK?
These guys can smell fear.
I've seen all this on Ross Kemp's Toughest Jails.
At some point, probably today,
someone is going to start a fight with you.
You've got to win, or at least fight back,
or you'll be marked out and beaten every day.
They wouldn't beat us up for no reason.
If we give them no reason...
Did Ross Kemp give them a reason?
We've got to look tough, right?
It's either that or you become someone's wife.
Ooh, yes, please!
Are you not eating those beans?
No, I don't like them.
What's wrong with them?
Nothing, they're just a bit syrupy.
Look around you, Sam, everyone has cleared their plates.
We don't know the rules yet, the secret codes.
You're dishonouring them and embarrassing me.
OK. You eat them, then.
Are you insane? That could be worse.
I'm not getting a reputation as, "Oh, the guy who eats everybody's beans".
Don't look now, but there's a man over there staring at me.
I said, "Don't look round"!
What's he doing now?
He's just licked his lips.
What, like he's got chapped lips, or he licked them at you
in a sexy way?
I don't know.
A sexy way, I guess.
OK, I hate to break it to you Sam, but you're now legally his bitch.
Eat your beans.
'Can you repeat those names?'
Sure. Samuel Pinkett and Philip Bourne.
'Hold, please.'
Who is this?
This is Special Agent Miller.
I'm with the DEA here in Texas.
I see.
I need to know if you have two men
in some kind of witness protection deal over here,
by the names of Samuel Pinkett and Philip Bourne?
Is this a secure line?
I thought most people put up pictures of boobs.
Who gets off on mathematical equations?
Mr Watkins once got a boner in double maths.
Everyone could see it, it was amazing.
421, 422.
You got a date with the DEA.
We just tell her everything.
It's Carlos she's interested in, not us.
But when do you think she'll let us out of here?
Because ideally I need to leave ASAP.
Yeah, I wasn't planning on hanging out here too long myself, actually.
Cool, so we're on the same page.
Good morning, gentlemen. Nice to see you again.
Mr Espinosa heard a rumour you'd be seeing a law enforcement
agent today and he thought it best if you had an attorney present.
He has kindly paid for my services to act in your best interests.
We are still going to fulfil our end of our bargain
and you will see your mum.
But we paid.
18 hundred bucks wasn't enough to cover the documents,
let alone the flight.
But, in lieu of a fee, Mr Espinosa thought
maybe you could do him a little favour.
How little?
There is an inmate here, number 214, a certain Nathan Cross.
He's stolen a great deal of money and merchandise from Mr Espinosa.
He's hiding it and you're going to find out where.
Now, this cop is going to tell you she can help you.
She might even tell you she can get you out of here,
which she can't because you won't have a shred of evidence,
and even if you did, she can't get you out of here today.
And if you spill a word about Mr Espinosa, there will be no tomorrow.
In fact, I have a sweet little photo
of the last person who agreed to testify against Mr Espinosa.
You want to see?
Hash tag no filter.
Interview begins 13.05, December 19th.
OK, gentlemen.
Last time I saw you,
you started to tell me about your interactions with Carlos Espinosa.
Correct?
You stated that you were unaware of the narcotics in your baggage
and that they were given to you by an associate of Carlos Espinosa,
who also arranged for your false documentation.
For the record, are these the facts as you stated them to me?
Boys, boys, boys.
Your attorney may have told you that I can't help you, but I can.
I've checked out your story, I know who you really are,
and with a little co-operation, I can get you home.
And there's a reward for any information that leads to
Espinosa's whereabouts.
A lot of money.
My clients would like to know when you could effect their release.
Soon.
Exactly how soon?
Yeah, you made the right call.
Why do you need us to get this guy?
Haven't you got people in here who can already get to him?
Er, let's just say they don't have the right... qualities
Nathan Cross looks for in a friend.
So how do we find him?
He's in the hospital wing.
And how do we get there?
Guys, I've explained your options.
This is the one where you get to live.
OK. This is the decider.
Mm-hm.
~ Best of five. ~ Come on. ~ Best of five.
Come on, we agreed.
OK, all right. OK.
OK.
Just hit me, go on, just hit me in the face.
OK, hit me, hit me, hit me!
Argh!
Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
I just, it's just reflexes.
It's how my brain is trained in a certain way, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I promise I won't hit you again.
I'm going to put my hands behind my back, OK.
Go on, go on.
~ Ready? ~ Yes. ~ Ready? ~ Yes! Yes!
Oh, my shit! I'm sorry!
I honestly don't know what's wrong with me! I'm...
Argh!
You want this, do you?
Is this what you want? Do you like this?
Don't bite me!
You're fine. It's just cuts and bruises.
I don't feel fine.
So what happens now?
We stay here tonight and then tomorrow morning,
spot of breakfast, head back?
You're going straight back to your cells.
~ What? ~ You think it's that easy?
No, I really do think I might have broken my finger.
The least...
Wait out there for somebody to escort you back.
Don't make me call the guard in here.
'You should have hit me harder.'
I hit you as hard as I can.
I just want to see my mum.
Get your stinking gorilla hands off of me!
Aw, Mr Cross...
No "Thanks for treating my wounds"?
"Thanks for the daily sponge baths"?
"Thanks for feeding me when I couldn't move my hands"?
Oh, God, that's why it had to be us.
Why?
Fuck you!
He's some kind of Nazi. It's because we're white.
You know, you may call me the gorilla,
but you're the one living in a cage.
Hi.
All right?
Argh!
Ha-ha-ha, good one. Ha-ha-ha.
Bloody hell.
So, what are you in for?
They call it a spree.
Cool.
But that's just the ones they found.
And is that because...?
Time to go, ladies.
Yes, please.
I don't know if I can go through with this.
We've got to, we don't want to end up like the guy in the photograph.
But they're bloody racists, though!
We don't have to be racist. We just have to hang out with some.
It's like watching Top Gear.
Somebody should tell those rats they're spoiling the view.
He'll do it.
What?
Oh, yeah. This one, he will, he's mental.
He's got a, got a screw loose,
always has done, always will do.
What are you doing?
Shut up, this could be our ticket out of here.
In Bracknell, everybody's scared of him, aren't they?
Because he's, he's doolally.
If he walks down the high street, people just,
they, they turn and they run the other way.
He left school before he'd finished his GCSEs.
And he could have got a C in science.
Banned from The Litten Tree on Friday nights.
And last summer he killed a kid.
He did what?
As in a goat, as in a baby goat.
Now, what the hell you killing a goat for, boy?
I'm into some pretty dark stuff.
Now, hold up, you mean to tell me people are scared of this pussy?
Pussy? Would a pussy, yeah, have that - a gunshot wound.
And you should see the other guy, except you'd have to dig him up.
It's the other arm.
Because he's dead. Is it?
Gunshot wound. There, bang.
In the arm.
It was actually a black man who shot me.
That's why I decided to become a racist.
Like you guys.
All right then. Let's see this.
You walk over there,
walk right up to Snake,
and here's what you're going to say.
I just need to speak...
~ You want to go in there? ~ Yes.
You sure? Be my guest.
Afternoon.
My friends and I were wondering if...
We should go and help out, yeah?
Guys?
'It's a tsunami, a tidal wave of sewage leaking over the border.'
I do what I can to clean up the mess, the filth, the scum.
This is the thanks I get.
But what can you do
when the law is in the pocket of these fucking animals,
huh?
Argh!
So hey, Nathan, just going back to the whole, you know,
sewage situation.
Is there anyone in particular that you maybe think that...
'You'll like this one. My cousin Lenny,'
standing in line at City Mutual Bank, San Antonio.
He's going to cash in his paycheck.
These three dagos walk in wearing wrestling masks, waving guns around.
"This is a robbery".
Cool as you like, he waits for them to finish,
pulls out his piece, pop, pop, pop!
Picks up the bag and walks clean out of there
75,000 better off than when he went in.
Now that's what I call a paycheck.
That's bullshit.
Nah, this is my cousin Lenny.
You think they don't have cameras in every branch of every bank?
If it was your cousin waiting in line,
his face would have been on CNN by six o'clock that day.
And it wasn't three dagos, it was four.
And it wasn't 75,000, it was 82,000.
And they'll only find the murder weapon the day
they dredge the Rio fucking Grande.
I mean, the really big fish is Carlos Espinosa.
Carlos Espinosa?
I mean, Nathan has got to loads of these guys,
but I'd be surprised if he's come close to Espinosa.
Well, apparently Carlos Espinosa is the real reason
that Nathan's even in here.
~ Really? ~ Yeah, apparently.
What did you just say about Carlos Espinosa?
Oh, hi, Nathan.
What the hell do you think you know about Carlos Espinosa?
Not us, other people, saying that he's smarter than you
and that he's the one person who got to you before you could get to him.
He got to me...
Apparently.
How about I got to him?
And I killed his only son and ten of his other men,
took down his biggest ever trade,
all the money and half a tonne of pure Colombian,
buried it somewhere so secret and so remote that only I will ever know.
And I will take that to my grave.
Goddamn!
It's his eye.
He said he's got the money locked away and his eye is the key.
That is very interesting. Fascinating, in fact.
Mr Espinosa will be very pleased to hear this.
Great.
Amazing.
How soon do you think you can get it?
What?
You heard me.
You want us to get his eye?
If that's what we need, then yes.
That's impossible, it's his eye.
It's in his head.
And he's a psycho.
Shall I remind you of your options?
OK, OK, let's say we managed to get it,
that we somehow managed to get it, if we do,
you'll get us home?
Yes, the moment we have it, you're on your way.
♪ Christmas time is here
♪ And my baby's so far away
♪ Christmas time is here
♪ And my baby's so far away. ♪
'It's impossible.'
'Nothing's impossible.'
Loads of things are impossible.
I can't fly.
I can't walk through that wall.
And we can't get a man's eye out of his head without him noticing
and very probably killing us.
We could make a duplicate.
Oh, we'll just pop down the glass-blowing workshop
and knock out a perfect synthetic eye?
Then we'll have to kill him.
~ What? ~ Who's going to miss him?
He's a racist, a thief, a murderer.
Yeah, he's a murderer, we're not.
We're...
I don't know, victims.
Innocent victims, again.
We don't have to be victims, we can change our fate.
No, we can't, that's what fate is, it's inevitable.
I don't even know what day it is, do you?
It must be 21st, 22nd?
Nearly Christmas.
What's your favourite bit of Christmas dinner?
Sausage wrapped in bacon. Without question.
It's the only meal where it's acceptable to have an extra
portion of meat which is itself wrapped in meat.
It's amazing.
Me and Mum always make the Christmas dinner together,
drinking sherry.
She doesn't drink the rest of the year,
so she's wasted by the time we sit down.
Then she passes out and I watch Die Hard.
Lizzie can't really cook.
I make the dinner, wearing a...
When we were first together, I told Lizzie I think
Christmas jumpers are naff, so she bought me one as a joke.
She's got me one every year since.
I can't imagine Christmas without one now.
You know how I always know it's going to be Christmas?
When that nativity display pops up at the top of the high street.
You know the one? I don't even know who puts it there.
Have you ever noticed the wise men?
No. What about them?
Well, Simon Pedgrift once dared me to draw a moustache on one.
No-one's ever wiped it off. I make a point of checking.
It was still there last year.
Time for your phone call.
What?
It hasn't been 90 days.
Do you want to make a call or not?
Elizabeth Green's office.
Is Lizzie there? I need to speak to her urgently, please.
~ One moment. ~ This is a bad idea.
If she knows we're alive, maybe she can help.
She could talk to the press...
They told us not to contact anyone, you could be putting her in danger.
Only if you believe someone's still after us.
It won't be a Christmas party if it's not here.
Of course it will. Other places have decorations as well.
Anybody seen Lizzie?
On the roof having a cigarette, I'd imagine.
Listen, I know a guy at Bella Pasta, OK? He can get us in.
Come on, come on.
So you're sure you're not putting Lizzie in any danger?
~ Yes. ~ How sure?
98%?
Right, so you're saying there's a 2% chance that
she will definitely be harmed?
Elizabeth Green speaking.
Hello?
Watch out!
The line just went dead.
Did you ask who it was?
I did not. Sorry Lizzie, mea culpa.
This can't be about the beans.
I eat the beans now.
Argh!
What the hell? Everybody back to their cells!
I'm sorry! I'm really sorry!
Hey!
Phil! Phil!
Really?
Sam!
I'm sorry!
Over here!
Oh, my God!
You guys are incredible!
That was amazing.
I mean, when they said,
"The moment you get the eye, we'll get you out,"
I didn't think they meant literally the second! Whoo!
Unbelievable! Properly unbelievable.
I can't believe it!
We were told to give you guys these.
Now get some rest, huh?
It's a long flight and you have a big day tomorrow.
Oh, OK, and what about the eye?
Yeah, where's Carlos?
Who the hell is Carlos?
Lie to me again and I'll shoot you.
You don't understand!
We're just a couple of guys in a band
on our way to England to play some shows.
What? No, we're not!
No, we work for a trucking company in Texas.
No, we work for the council, or we used to.
I don't work for the council.
I just work in the building, I'm sub-contracted.