All right? Yeah. Yeah. So this is your first travelogue?
It's not a travelogue.
If you're at home, watching this, thinking,
"Ooh, I'm about to get France uncovered,
"the secret France, hidden France" - you're not.
This was not gonna be a show that involved any jeopardy,
there was gonna be no danger.
There was gonna be no crying, people saying,
"Oh, it all makes sense now!"
None of that was gonna happen.
What is going to become quite clear to people at home
is that we were going on a jolly up.
THEY LAUGH
SINGS IN MOCK FRENCH ACCENT
In 2014, with ambitions to become a cycling enthusiast,
Micky Flanagan left the comforts of South London
with his bricklaying friend and bicycle devotee, Noel Lynch.
Their dream, to follow in the tracks of cycling's greatest heroes.
Look at Flanagan go!
I chose Noel because he is a great mate.
He is also a fantastic bloke.
And he loves cycling.
Wahey!
That, and I do need a retaining wall rebuilt at the back of the garden.
Their sights were set
on man's single most gruelling endurance race.
And you decided to cycle the Tour de France route?
Because it goes round France. It's in the title.
"Tour de France!" It goes round France.
Did you stick to it? No.
I have only forgot the sandwiches!
Oh, put it away!
We are going off-road.
Cheers! THEY LAUGH
When you are a kid, things happen that change you
through what is probably a few months,
but it feels like years when you are a kid.
My dad bought me a bike, I had it for about two weeks,
and I then drove straight down a ramp.
Came off the other side, went along the floor
on the side of my face, for quite a long way,
and it just shocked me so much that I sort of put the bike away
and didn't get back on it for a long, long time.
I can't look at bikes without thinking,
"When you come of these things, it smarts."
But I need a hobby/leisure pursuit/sport/interest.
All these things I need. Cycling started to become the main contender.
He bought a bike, proper, six months ago,
and then it got sort of put in the shed for a while,
while he went on tour, it reappeared about three months ago!
Whoa! Sorry! At least you didn't come off!
The reason I want to do this with Noel is because he was the guy
who continually said to me, you know, "This is a great thing to do."
I love cycling. I love it. I am out every day in the early, on the bike.
CAR HORNS BLARE
Is this like the Alps? This is just exactly the same(!)
People used to say to us, in our 30s, "You are not, are you?! 38?!"
"Really?!" Whereas now, you say, "I'm 51",
people go, "Oh, right, yeah." And you just think, "What happened?
"I was in front for a little while!"
I think that anyone who has sort of lived quite fast,
you do realise that time is going to catch up with you.
A little lift of your shirt, if that is OK with you. Yeah, yeah.
Good man. How many shirts have you got on?! Haha!
Definitely slimmer than you!
I normally burn these machines out. The motor goes.
I am hoping it will just give me a little bit of a zing again.
New direction.
The thing on the mountain, oh... You all right? Yep.
We've done the training. Training is all done.
We had that two days solid. Yes. Training. Round the park.
Yeah, I have done 15 sit-ups and four press ups. Brilliant.
Dover. A throbbing metropolis of haulage.
A dramatic point of exit.
We've been through our medicals. How did yours go? I have got a hernia.
OK! Perfect for cycling around France(!)
You have got an enlarged heart.
An athlete's heart, I think it was called!
You keep calling it that! That is what the experts called it.
There are some very big athletes which are not very fit!
So, are you ready for this? No.
I think it should be more dramatic than this!
Let's get on that ferry, let's get to France,
beat them at their own game.
Isn't it strange how you feel
slightly more aggressive just standing here?
You certainly don't look it!
That's what this has all been about, the French-English thing,
I just suddenly think, "Come on, let's go, let's stand up." OK.
What I am really looking forward to is getting out of Dover.
Because I don't know about you,
but it is a place that sort of makes you think, "What is the point?"
Something about leaving a port, it is quite atmospheric,
you are getting on a ship, well, a ferry, but it is a ship.
It is old-fashioned, in a way.
It is exciting. It is dangerous.
I mean, people have got a kicking on that ferry.
You're not going to get that on the bleeding Euro express, are you?
Or on a plane when there is not enough croutons
in your Caesar salad or something.
It is edgy and dangerous.
The English Channel, more than a mere expanse of water.
It is a fluid thought.
The moment one embarks across it becomes an act of commitment.
I am not a massive fan of travelling. Really? You tell me that now?
No, I am not. I just think it is like...
I have always had this idea that you just end up somewhere else
where people are just walking about.
Having something to eat and going to bed. Innit? You don't get...
Very rarely you go somewhere and go,
"Blimey, they can fly here!" You know?
Or, "Everyone here has got four legs!" Or x-ray vision.
It is just people roughly doing the same thing, all over the world. Yeah.
Just a bit further away. If I didn't go anywhere else, ever...
You know, understand this, for a fact!
If I didn't go anywhere else the rest of my life, I'd think,
"I've done my bit, had a look about." Unless something comes up.
Look, look, that's France, look. Were here already.
So we're going to meet the mayor.
Well, it is not the mayor, it is the deputy mayor, actually.
Oh, it is the dep? Aaw!
He has gone and done the opening... John Bishop would have got the mayor!
Where is the fanfare? Where is the bunting? Idiots!
Let's show these French cyclists what it is all about, Mick.
Welcome to France. Thank you very much. We have just arrived.
We have brought the lovely English weather with us.
That is a joke, is it? That is my first joke. Good opener? It is good.
It has got to improve a little bit? Mine will be to say that, you know,
Calais is not French, Calais is the first English city of the continent.
Really? Well, we could see, yes, it was a bit rough!
ALL LAUGH
There is a saying in the South of France,
"Apres la pluie, vient le beau temps,"
"After the rain, comes nice weather."
They do not say this in the North.
Hello there. I have just woke up here, look! I know.
Where were we earlier? I normally wake up in the park. Or on the setee.
Have you ever had a facial before? No. Not ever.
It is supposed to be brilliant. What do you mean, "it is supposed to be"?
Like you don't know! No, it is true!
Do you think it is possible to be pampered, as a man?
Well, I'm not sure I'm going to be able
to go on a building site again, after this.
In the North, the cyclist has to contend
with the wet, and a ceaseless wind.
It is not something to be tackled without due preparation.
So I have had my legs waxed once before,
but it was never blindfolded.
Yeah, I think it is like being shot. I feel something hot.
I just think that woman always feel
that they have to do so much more than men,
who basically have to have a shave and a shower,
whereas women are continually grooming,
cleaning, plucking, dying...
What would you say, would you like it if your missus had hairy legs?
I... Well, I wouldn't dislike her.
But I would sort of say to her, you know,
"Let's play it by ear." You know?
Yeah, if I start to... Oi! If I start to...
NOEL LAUGHS
If you start to what?! If I start to...wahey...oi! Santa Maria!
If I, erm...
"If I start to not be able to be aroused by you then we might,
"You know...we might have to have a few issues..."
Hey! But I might... Oohyah!
Oi! It is strangely pleasurable, innit?
I think I might have a bit of the old S&M in me! Cos...
When the man is spending more time in the bath than the woman,
I think you have got a problem.
Does your missus prefer you, slim, trim, or with a bit of a Derby?
She likes me fat and rich. Yeah.
NOEL LAUGHS That's what she said!
Those are her parameters!
Come spring, the old Flemish north is transformed.
Professionals and amateurs alike take to the roads.
And race season begins.
We are just getting the bug now, in the UK, genuinely, for cycling.
But in France, cycling is as common as cricket or football.
Here, you know, they really get it.
In France there is great civic prestige attached
to hosting a cycling stage in any professional race.
New roads are built.
Gendarmes uniforms are spruced up.
And a palpable excitement builds.
On a Wednesday in Dunkirk,
which is like the equivalent of like Norwich or something,
you know, this race was on.
Dunkirk! Blimey!
And it was really important to the town.
Everyone turned up to watch the start.
The kids got a day off school, everybody took it really seriously.
Are we going to wave as they go past? Is that the tradition?
No, the tradition is to try to touch one of their legs as they go past.
If I can get some of that oil on my fingers that will make my day!
That would! Oh, here we are, hold on... You ready? Now were off.
This is a big thing in France.
Come back a bit, man!
But not the easiest sport in the world to watch.
Partly because it goes past.
That's what I thought.
Is that it then? Yeah, that's it. That's racing for you.
That's its downside. So you stand there for five hours -
and it goes past and that's it.
You know, it's like going to the cricket and watching one over.
It's...it's that ridiculous.
The cycling world is one that demands more than mere
sideline observations.
Sleepy, this one, innit?
Like a film set. Nice here, we'll come back here later.
It is a world where the fan is the only a turn of a wheel
from being a participant.
And you'll like this route, it's reasonably flat.
It's my cup of tea.
LAUGHTER
There's only one place better than this - Holland!
But not all Flemish roads are straight...
or true.
WIND WHISTLES
On the borders of France and Belgium lies the finish line
to the toughest one-day event in the cycling calendar.
A 150-mile race between Paris and Roubaix, known simply as...
So we're gonna meet Jean-Pierre?
He's 80 years old or something?
Apparently he's done this a number of times, this Hell of the North race.
Je m'appelle Noel. Jean-Pierre.
Jean-Pierre. Jean-Pierre.
Bonjour. Bonjour, Jean-Pierre. Bonjour.
I'm Micky. Micky. Yeah.
THEY GIGGLE
Oh! Paris-Roubaix! Hell of the North!
It's supposed to be the most treacherous race.
If you're gonna do any show that's linked with France
and cycling and the Tour de France you have to go where it gets toughest.
You're forced along these cobblestones by the number of riders.
They break arms, break legs, they lose teeth. It's horrific.
So you can't just take on the Hell of the North.
No, obviously, it goes without saying we needed a top man
cos this is gonna be dangerous. I said, "Don't get me no idiots.
"I need someone who can nail this. A pacesetter."
You have done this... Oui. ..how may times?
Paris-Roubaix. Roubaix. How many times?
How...
And so they went and found a pensioner...
..for us.
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
More? More? He wants more air in your tyres.
Normally this would be a problem but we have a film crew with us.
LAUGHTER
So it's not gonna be a problem.
Cut! We need to put some air in the tyre. Who's in charge?
JOHN-PIERRE SPEAKS FRENCH
We'll just get one of these dickheads to do it.
LAUGHTER
Come on.
More?
Jean-Pierre, not too fast.
No, he's saying...
Be careful with your teeth chattering, either that or he
wants some soup.
And how much of it did you do? 5km we did in the end.
JEAN-PIERRE SPEAKS FRENCH
Vive le France.
MUSIC: Together In Electric Dreams by Phil Oakey and Giorgio Moroder
What's the kit bag for? You know what I really like? His cycling glasses - they are
the coolest, I think, I've ever seen.
Oh, look, he's dropping us already.
MICKY LAUGHS
We've only gone 50 yards. We're losing, Noel.
Don't lose him.
MUSIC CUTS OUT ABRUPTLY
Oh, blimey! You all right, Noel? My arse is getting battered.
I bet this is messing the bikes up.
I think Flanagan's cracked. He'll be calling for the support car next.
I'm coming, Noel.
Oh, oh, oh!
JEAN-PIERRE LAUGHS
Allez! Allez!
Apparently you get a nice cold shower at the stadium after this. Really? Apparently so.
I can't have my nuts go up any higher than they already are.
If my willy gets any smaller...!
LAUGHTER Blimey.
He'll take him on the inside!
He's taking him on the inside!
Hey!
Oh...
Ah-ha!
Keep going! Keep going!
Keep going.
Oh, one kid.
COMICAL FAST-PACED CIRCUS MUSIC
Oh, it's a good one.
Athletes' one. Yeah. I enjoyed that. Great fun. Great fun.
Thank you very much. Merci. Merci.
Keep it up, another 80 years. Yeah, you're a good advert for cycling.
Good legs.
Fine arse.
LAUGHTER
Now, do you fancy a shower now?
LAUGHTER
MUSIC: Together In Electric Dreams
After racing that long you get to come in to the council showers.
Look at these. They're proper, ain't they?
How do you feel about the Hell of the North?
I think if it wasn't for the fact we had three cameramen,
two runners, director and a producer I wouldn't have made it.
CHEERING
# We'll always be together
♪ However far it seems... ♪
Merci!
Thank you very much.
LAUGHTER
Au revoir!
The Tour de France is not an exclusively French affair.
Belgium, a place in love with the circus and the bicycle
has often staged the beautiful race.
It's a strange thing, innit, Belgium?
You say to people, "Yeah, we went to Belgium."
And they're like - "Why? Why would you go to Belgium?"
No-one ever goes, "Oh, nice."
It was one of those things that we had to do.
You know, it's an interesting place - allegedly.
To really get under a nation's psyche, to really find out
what's going on with them you need to look at the art they're producing.
And, you know, and I just thought,
"I have to see what these people do in their spare time."
Cos they've got a lot of it, it would appear.
I'm just one of those people who...
naturally knows about art the minute I look at it.
It's been a while since I've been in a gallery, I've got to be honest.
Is it "Delvo" or "Delvox"?
Vauxhall. You say, "Delvo" I say, "Delvox". "Delvoo".
Madame. Bonjour. Bonjour.
Did I get that right?
Is it "Madame"?
♪ Hello is it me you're looking for? ♪
LAUGHTER
This is a look that I think is very, very underrated. The sleeveless?
Just to say -
"No, I'm not havin' sleeves.
"Simple as that.
"I will have a lot of colour and no sleeves."
Paul Devaux, born in 1897, is Belgium's fourth-most important painter.
The problem with coming to art galleries is one immediately
feels slightly ignorant.
Yes. And uneducated. That's why I think I don't go to them so much
cos you think... Cos you are ignorant!
LAUGHTER
I don't want it confirmed, do I? Without a doubt!
Often cited as part of the Belgian surrealist movement his work
has a haunted quality full of recurring themes, including trains
and nudity.
Let me just have a little look at that nipple, see if it's...
no, that's no good.
"The Pink Lady".
Oh, we've all had a few bottles of that at the end of the night.
You'll drink anything in the cupboard, won't ya?
He obviously had a thing for trains as well, by the looks of it.
There's no way the ticket collector's gonna let them
on like that, is there?
You know.
It's that thing I think when I did my A102 Open University arts course.
Did you? Yeah.
And what they talked about all the time was the Beholder's Share.
What you bring to the table. It's there - the artist can't control.
Hm. So you...you're seeing this... Hm. ..not like me.
No? No. What are you seeing, then? I don't know!
What I'm saying is, there's something in me telling me something about this...
my experience of this picture is different from your...
So, it affects everyone differently, basically? Yeah. Of course.
So, no erm...
No two reactions are the same.
But if you don't like tr...
if you're not particularly interested in trains...
This isn't the museum for you. You're gonna, sort of like...
Lose interest? You're gonna eventually start ignoring this.
Yeah. Oh, now we're talking.
Bit of Sapphic love. Aye, aye.
"The Two Girlfriends".
Mm. They're not sure, them two.
They're thinking - "No, we'll give it a little while."
They've just had words. "Just have a little think about this.
"We're two responsible parents."
NOEL LAUGHS
"Unsure" this is called. "Unsure". Is that what it's called? Nah!
LAUGHTER
I thought, "Blimey, we're good at this."
So this - I mean, it's just hideous as far as I'm concerned.
Not doing it for you? It's just hideous.
It's just absolut... a pointless picture.
LAUGHTER
It's got nothing...
Why would I look at this picture? Well, you are, though.
I know, cos I'm in a gallery... but, you know, I wouldn't sort of go...
"You know what I need to see - a chunky girl on a seat."
I don't know, even that, really, what's...
you know. I always think what you should call a picture -
that would be like - "Are You Ready?"
LAUGHTER
"We Going Or What?"
The fish have all escaped.
LAUGHTER
You're not allowed to talk about art in a sort of practical way.
It's almost like artists can just do anything and you just have to go -
"Oh, if that's what he's done, that's what..."
You're not allowed to say - "I don't think it was very good.
"I think he's getting away with murder."
It's how I feel about most art in the end, you know.
Unless it really...
I mean, I know it's important but,
ultimately, they're just pictures.
You like 'em or you don't.
Right, what do we know about the Belgians?
They love their cycling...
what they really like is alcohol.
And they specialise in beer.
Good quality, strong beer.
Belgium has more breweries per person than any other
country in the world.
St Bernardus is one of the most prestigious.
Right. Where is he? Oh, here we go. Hello.
I'm Marco. Nice to meet you. Marco. I'm Noel. Hi, Noel.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too. Welcome to the brewery. You wanna see something?
You can get a smell.
It's not beer yet, OK?
There's no alcohol in it but this is the mash. What we call the mash.
After a day's brew the beer stays here to ferment for about two weeks.
Each day we brew a different beer. What's the strongest one?
The strongest is our... St Bernardus Apt 12
which is 10%. Oh, ee!
I'm starting to get worried about the people of Belgium. Yeah, you do?
So you'd rather have a small, powerful one... Yes.
..than maybe...in the UK we drink lagers which sometimes are 3.5, 4%...
Yeah, but you drink pints. Yeah, we drink pints.
Pints and pints and pints. Gallons. Way-hey! That's what I mean.
And we drink less but stronger. So, I want to warn you,
please don't drink it like it's a lager because then you're gonna
have a big problem. You let me worry about that.
It's tasting like...
LAUGHTER
So... there's like an order that's leaving for the UK
and you guys have to help me out preparing it.
Just put the bottles on. It's the labelling that's going on.
Put all the bottles in... yeah? You're doing well.
I'll show you the British way.
LAUGHTER
HE YAWNS
I tell you what, I think I'm a natural, Marco.
Hurry up, Noel. You won't see Des O'Connor doing this.
He'd have done one shot and we'd have gone home.
Let's give him some work over there.
I see, I see.
Shut up!
I thought, "There's no way he could be doing it that quick."
Ah, you like it?
That's more like it. After a day's work...
Yes, well, we worked hard...
What would we say in Belgian? We say, "Gesundheit".
Gesundheit? Or "Sante". Sante?
Which is quite France. OK. Sante.
Gesundheit. Gesundheit.
Ah...
HE EXHALES
That's really nice, what, what...? You guys are thirsty. What one are we drinking here?
This is how we drink in the UK.
Take it easy. Nah. Which one is this?
This is St Bernardus Tripel - 8%.
Cheers.
I got a few bottles. It is good though, innit? This 12 will do.
LAUGHTER
It's nice, innit? It's very, very tasty, yeah. Really good.
I like that. In fact, you can taste the strength in it, though... Shorry?
I can feel a park bench calling me...
LAUGHTER
I'm gonna come up swinging in a minute.
Oh, it looks dark, it looks mean.
This is our Apt 12. OK, cheers. Cheers. Go easy on it, OK.
NOEL SPITS That's what they do with the wine, isn't it?
It's not what we do with the beer. Oh, right, OK.
It's a deadly sin, actually. Is it? Oh, sorry.
He's a sinner. He's just two steps down in my...
This is what he always does. He reaches a peak and then he goes...
One strong beer and I start doing silly things.
I think...sometimes people drink too much beer to forget their problems.
Yes.
Better not to have problems then you don't have to drink to forget it.
This is just too nice a way to enjoy the good things of life
instead of forgetting the bad things.
Yeah, that's a lovely philosophy to have but, erm.
a lot of people, without a drink, they would just go crazy so...
Wanna try another one? Phew... I don't know...
LAUGHTER
I've been giving it the big 'un! That's why we have small bottles. Small glasses.
Thank you very much for the tour. Thanks for your time... Great fun.
..and your beer.
We hope to see this product in the UK. I hope to see a case of it
outside my front door when I get home.
Well, give me your address, I'll send it to you. OK.
Is that good? That sounds like a deal to me.
The First World War was meant to be a war to end all wars.
The Belgian town of Ypres
and the three million graves that surround it are a testament
to each successive generation's failure to fulfil that promise.
It's so easy when you get to certain stages in your life, you can
easily be the person who turns the news off when it gets too nasty
or stops reading the reports about the horrors of the world.
And so on every trip I think you have to go,
"This is too serious to bypass.
"We have to go and have a little look at this."
I think what I find hard about the First World War especially
is the lack of connection to it,
unlike maybe the generation before us,
that had uncles or brothers... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I suppose for our generation, you know,
we're not going to get called up, are we?
We're not going to ever know that feeling of going to do your...
For king and country, because you've been told you've got to.
Hopefully, we'll never get to that stage again, where we all have to,
or all the youngsters do.
Well, I often ask myself, would I go if I was called up.
Yeah, I've often asked meself that about wars.
I'd like to think I would have done.
Blimey. The ages.
15!
And no doubt at one stage they were looking at people and thinking,
"Well, if you look like a man, you are a man.
"So if you can carry a gun..."
I wonder if the other soldiers, when he was alongside them,
kind of sussed out straightaway that he weren't old enough.
Probably by that stage it was more just trying to look after him.
Yeah, course, yeah. What are you going to do?
Probably, if you were desperate
and he was prepared to stand and fight beside you, you would...
Just a 15-year-old boy. A boy.
So what you're seeing here... I don't know if you've ever seen one before.
This is called a "farm".
A "farm"? Yeah. This is where people raise animals and harvest.
Harvest, yeah.
You remember the harvest festival in school? I do. Bring something in.
Brought a tin of whatever you didn't use, left in the cupboard,
didn't you? Whatever your mum had had for about eight years!
A tin of custard powder... Yeah. ..that had gone a bit hard.
And a steak and kidney pie from 1963.
I wouldn't give that away. Your mum'd have a go with that. Yeah.
What are we here to do, anyway? We're here to try...
Actually, there's more bombs in this area
than I think anywhere else in the world buried underground.
So, what are we doing here?
We're going to have a little look about for a few, apparently,
you know, because nothing makes better TV than two middle-aged men
blown apart by a World War I bomb.
NOEL LAUGHS
Look! This is what we're here to see.
This...is a bomb.
INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU ACCENT: The boemb! The boemb!
Hello. Here's our man who's going to show us around. I'm Stijn.
Hello, Stijn. I'm Noel. Stijn? Yes, it's Stijn.
Nice to meet you, Stijn. Welcome on our farm.
This is our cage with all the live shells that we have.
What would I have to do to make that...
HE IMITATES EXPLOSION
You have to smash it with a hammer. Smash it with a hammer? Yes.
Or you can hit with a plough also, or a tractor. Oh, right.
I mean, obviously you're still here, but do you know of anyone who's ever
done it with a plough, farmers have caused explosions in the fields?
Yes, my own father. Really?
Two years ago, he drive with his tractor and his plough
over a phosphor grenade, and phosphor burned with the oxygen,
and that was a lot of white, poison smoke.
And if you breathe that, your lungs will burn,
and then you suffocate in your own blood.
That's how it works. Did your father...? My father was OK.
Oh, good. And the reason was that the wind was...
You nearly brought the atmosphere right down then!
Well, you've got to ask, ain't you?
The wind came from the right direction. Oh!
Because that's what I was going to ask you.
Is it ever not windy in Belgium? Cos it's getting right on my nerves.
It's typical Belgian weather, yes. Is it always windy?
It's always windy, and normally it's raining, too.
Oh, well, we're lucky, then. So now you have luck.
Yeah. In the UK we just have mostly rain. So, these are all live.
And why do you keep them here? Why would you not rather have them
away from the house, maybe?
That'd be my instinct, would be "Get them away from the house!"
Is that chicken safe over there? The chickens are safe. Yeah?
All right... This is my collection. And this was all from your land?
This is all from our land. Your land. From the land of my father.
This is a German wallet. Yeah.
And it's still with some coins in it.
I can't open it, because... It's a bit like yours!
Cos he doesn't get his wallet out very often!
His has gone mouldy like that.
And all the shrapnel balls, you can find them in such a shrapnel bomb.
Because of the pressure,
180 shrapnel balls fly away just before it hits the ground.
Those are still dangerous.
Still now, when we drive with the tractor and the plough on the land,
if we hit this, it can still explode.
And you don't worry when you're working on the plough?
Yes, we are worried about it,
and that's also a bit the reason why I bought a metal detector.
Maybe you want to go with me out in the fields... No, not really.
You're all right. No?
No, you've gained a lot of respect and trust from us.
If there is someone that I want to get blown up with, it's you.
Maybe let's start it. BLEEPING
That's the signal. Put it over his wallet.
It won't make a sound. You won't hear nothing!
Go slower!
THEY LAUGH
BLEEPING Oh, now it's on 20,
so it means it's too deep.
Too deep? Too deep? No, he can get down there. How deep is it?
Two metres? Four metres? Crack on.
But do you think that could be a bomb? That could be, yeah.
Go this way round, then.
BLEEPING
Deep. Too deep? Too deep.
Thank God for that.
It's weird, innit? What is the matter with these people?
Whenever you're in Europe, the minute you go through the town square
you think, "I wonder what they throw out of that tower".
So, what are we going to have to do up here?
We're going to meet a court jester.
I don't think he's a court jester, but a jester.
They have a cat-throwing festival here.
Cat-throwing? Yeah, and they just throw 'em out. I'm not 100% sure why.
That's the jester? One would hope so.
Either that or he's head of security.
Hello there. Hello. I'm Noel. Hiya, I'm Micky. I'm Bryan.
Nice to meet you, Bryan.
I hear that this is quite a ritual here. Yes. Every two years, we do it.
51 cats, 30 metres down. Uh-huh. 51? Why 51? 51 cats. I don't know.
THEY LAUGH
I don't know! Why not 52? 52 or 53. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
OK.
So, the big question is, Bryan, why? Because before we have many mouses.
In 1523, the year of the Ghent pig farmers' uprising,
Ypres was plagued by mice.
The local clerics summoned all the cats in the principality
to eat the vermin.
But as the mice population dwindled, the felines mushroomed.
And so the Kattenstoet was born, a biannual feline massacre
commemorated by toy cats and a jester called Bryan.
And the cats sort of helped you out,
and then you repaid them by throwing them off the tower.
Yeah. The little ones.
So, when did they stop throwing real cats? 1970s? Yeah, yeah.
Was people complaining, saying it's not right?
Yeah, yeah, it's not right, the little ones...
When they threw the real cats over,
do you know if any of the cats survived? Yeah.
Cos they're good at landing on their feet. Yeah, yeah.
Did people try and catch them? Yeah. Yeah!
Catch it and then...
They catch it, Bryan, and...
Are you going to go up there and throw cats? Yeah. OK.
After you, Mick, after you. OK, but I'm going to watch first.
Oh, dear! That's making me nervous. Be careful, now.
Where there's blame, there's a claim, son.
Come on.
Mick, give us your wallet before you go up there.
Top of the world, Ma! Top of the world!
I don't know about that, Bryan.
Get up there, Mick.
He is not afraid. Me either.
No, well, I'm a little bit afraid, Bryan.
Just a bit, yeah. Yeah? I'm going to stand here. OK.
Hello there! How are you? Hello!
I can throw the cat.
Just be careful. I'm more worried about knocking him off.
He's blowing you kisses now. They give me kisses? Yeah.
Comedy is very, very attractive. Yeah. Right.
Shall I do one now? There's a bloke over there.
I don't like the look of him. I'm going to try and get him.
Yay!
Did someone catch it? Yeah, straight in his hand.
And it's good luck if you catch it? Good luck. Yeah?
You lob one down to me and I'll see if I can catch it. All right.
Cos you need a bit of luck.
Get ready!
Now, think about it.
You're going to have to run in, probably, quite quickly.
Just throw it. Go back a bit more. Back. Back, back, back.
Let me worry about my position. This is going to bring you some good luck.
Can't hear a word you're saying.
LAUGHTER
Oh, no.
Oh, leave it out.
He's hardly Linford Christie.
YAY!
Oh, I've got no chance!
Are you ready? One more time.
Damn!
It's hard to define, Belgium.
You're there and you're continually trying to work out
what's going on here, what's the point of Belgium.
And we never really got to the bottom of it, to be honest with you.
That was close.
But I think we're just going to have to put up with a bit of bad luck
for the rest of the show.
So, Bryan, I'm coming down. OK?
But it was nice to meet a jester. I've never met a jester before.
Yeah...
PLASTIC BERTRAND: # Ca plane pour moi... #
There'll be cheers! # Ca plane pour moi... #
I've only forgot the sandwiches!
♪ Ca plane pour moi, moi, moi, moi, moi... ♪
Tantrums!
I think if I eat that much butter, I will croak.
♪ Ooh-wee-ooh-ooh... ♪
I will not drink the '97 red!
♪ Ca plane pour moi... ♪ He's got no chance.
# Allez hop! La nana, quel panard, quelle vibration de s'envoyer
# Sur le paillasson Lime, ruine, vide, comble
# "You are the king of the divan!" Qu'elle me dit en passant
# Ooh-wee-ooh-ooh I am the king of the divan
# Ca plane pour moi
# Ca plane pour moi, moi, moi, moi, moi
♪ Ca plane pour moi... ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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