You all right? Yeah. Yeah.
So, this is your first travelogue? It's not a travelogue.
What's going to become quite clear to people at home
is that you're actually going to see two men slowly decompose.
In 2014, entertainer Micky Flanagan
and bricklayer Noel Lynch
left south London to follow cycling's greatest heroes
on a detour of France.
Let's get on that ferry. Let's get to France. Beat them at their own game.
Isn't it strange how you feel more aggressive just standing here?
I'm going to take him on the inside. I'm taking him in the inside.
THEY CHEER
Oh, here you are.
You think that could be a bomb? That could be.
The cats helped you out
and you repaid them by throwing them off the tower? Yeah.
HE MUMBLES
As nice as it was to detour to Belgium,
it was time to experience what the French do best, which is wine,
champagne, good food, infidelity -
these are the things they excel at.
The Champagne region of France lies just 90 minutes north of Paris.
It is the only place in the world allowed to produce
the effervescent nectar of the gods.
It was great. Send me to every champagne house in France
and I'll give you a really good idea at the end
which one gives you the worst indigestion.
Visitors to the area have just one question
when visiting the Champagne city Reims -
where do you start?
Taittinger, not Taittin-ger - that's the African one.
Lovely-looking lady, ain't she?
She's very, very nice. Yeah. Yeah.
It's a shame that she's shaped like a bottle.
But no, she's gorgeous.
Ah! Nice to meet you. Lovely to meet you. I'm the one...off the poster.
And who better to show us around
than the guv'nor's daughter, basically.
Vitalie.
Vitalia. Vitala.
Vitale. Vi... V!
This one looks like you're going,
"Oh, I shouldn't have put those in the dishwasher."
Thank you.
Yeah, it looks like a sort of, "Oh, I've ruined my glasses."
There's a secret code. Is...?
THEY ALL LAUGH
It is deep below ground
that the Taittinger dynasty stores its true wealth.
Miles upon miles of caves
stacked with Premier Cru of incalculable value.
And presiding over it all is Vitalie's father,
Pierre-Emmanuel Taittinger
They will have a tasting with us. Hello, there. Pleased to meet you.
For those who operate in the upper echelons of production,
champagne is a serious affair.
In movies, they often symbolise...
ejaculation with, um, froth coming from the top...
He loves that. It is totally fine. Ejaculate...from the top.
It's part of the idea, you know?
The idea came from Ian Fleming,
especially from Sean Connery,
it was in the movie From Russia With Love, you know?
And it was this wine, the Taittinger called the Champagne de Blanc.
To the United Kingdom, to Great Britain... Hands across the water.
The Channel.
And to the Queen.
ALL: To the Queen!
In a rare moment of clarity, the American F Scott Fitzgerald
once declared, "Too much of anything is bad, except champagne."
I'm not a big fan of rules,
but when one of those rules means that, for the sake of balance,
you have to visit one champagne house and then another one,
I'm all for rules.
Chateau Clicquot is Reims' most exclusive address.
Access is by invitation only.
Dress code is strictly formal.
Those lucky enough to be chosen to visit will be
met by the Count Clicquot.
A-ha!
Bonjour. Bonjour.
Welcome.
Merci. Bonjour, monsieur. Enchante.
Sorry about the suits not been too good.
I can only apologise. I will sack my tailor. Let's have a drink. Yes.
It's the best way to start the evening. Good lad.
That's how we like to start an evening.
SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYS
Welcome to the Clicquot House. Thank you very much. Thank you.
Cheers. It's a pleasure to be here.
Let's enjoy a few drops of the elixir of champagne.
He was a count.
He did not drink blood... as far as I know.
This is why we went during daylight hours,
because I was a little bit worried that he might, "Ha-ha-ha!"
and fly off out the window.
So, how do you pronounce this place?
I keep using different pronunciations.
Alors, Reims. Reims...
"Reems" for the English.
In French, you say "Reims".
But if you say "Reems", we understand.
In the UK, there are certain people,
when they really like something, they say, "It is reem."
Reem! Reem? Yeah.
Reims? No, reem! it's reem.
Reem? Yeah, to say it's great, it's good. In English?
Yeah, in a place called Essex. Oh, OK. Yeah.
I've heard about the Essex girls.
You've heard about the Essex girls?
THEY LAUGH
They're reem. Yeah...
They are bright, I heard. Have you been here?
Yes, of course. You should go to Essex, man. You would clean up.
Take a couple of cases of this.
THEY LAUGH LOUDLY
I'll drink to that.
To Essex girls. Yeah, to Essex girls.
Yeah, reem, man. Reem.
There is a saying in France that a perfect host should linger
no more than the sparkle of a fine champagne.
Merci.
I think it is time for the dinner.
We will...
Let's have the Musketeers' toast. Yes.
Wine for all, all for wine!
I like that one. Yes! I'm adopting that one.
Thank you very much. It was a great pleasure to have you.
Enjoy your dinner. You are a gentleman and a scholar, as we say.
Merci.
Thank you.
Pull your own chair out. What's the matter with you?
Hello. >
Merci.
Merci, monsieur.
Thank you.
It's like Friday night round your house, Mick, this, isn't it?
MICKY LAUGHS
Merci.
This may be the first course coming in.
Ohh.
Merci.
Merci, monsieur.
It looks very nice, doesn't it?
Fishcakes.
I love a fishcake. Do you? Yeah.
So, he was a lovely chap, wasn't he, the count.
He was all right, wasn't he?
It's like people always say, the aristocracy are more
comfortable with the working class than the lower-middle classes.
Is that what you consider yourself, still? What, the aristocracy?!
THEY GUFFAW
Well, now, obviously.
No, because they're not worried about, you know, etiquette
and position, and things like that.
But I always find people who are up there more cool than the people
who are more middle, aspiring...
They're the ones that are annoying.
But the other thing, that thing we said about
how your working-class chip on your shoulder
can come out in these situations.
The first thing you feel is a little bit angry and a little bit,
how can this be right, given that...
Is that how you feel? Yeah.
I have to fight it and fight it
because this is much a part of life as...
How many people die every three seconds?
I don't... You know that...
People are dying as we speak. Hmm. Through lack of food.
You can only get so angry about that,
you can only get so angry about this.
Anyway, Cheers, Micky.
Hello? Sorry? What? THEY LAUGH
You know what they should give you here? A couple of loud-hailers.
Listen, I am going to text you.
When they talk about champagne, they talk about it with such a passion.
They genuinely believe this is really, really important.
In the real grand scheme of things, it's a drink.
It's a fizzy drink that might get someone to sleep with you,
if you're lucky. I don't know.
Thank you very much. Merci.
NOEL SNIFFS
Smells nice.
That just smells incredible, I tell you.
Prior to the invention of the guillotine, Reims Cathedral
was the coronation seat to the French monarchy.
Now it is the association with France's patron saint,
Joan of Arc...
that makes it the city's most-visited tourist spot.
We had to go to a church. It would have been wrong not to.
And how did you find it?
We were driven there.
Let's get down to brass tacks here. Hmm.
On every trip, you end up in the cathedral.
People do, in general. People run out of things to do, they go in,
they pretend to look interested...
Yeah. It kills about an hour, but if you're not religious...
Even if you're not religious, you could still come in here
and have a fun time just looking at the architecture. A fun time?!
That music, it always makes me feel a bit depressed. Really? Yes.
It's almost like, "Oh, you're going to die." Solemn.
It's hardly a knees-up, is it?
I don't think it's meant to be a knees-up in here, Mick, somehow.
So, who's that? That would have been the last Pope.
Is that the Polish one?
Played in goal? He was a goalkeeper, wasn't he? A goalkeeper?
He's got big hands. I'm terrible, I forget his name now.
Oh, yeah(!)
You've not forgotten his name, you've forgotten how to read.
There's a difference.
It's John Paul.
I was concentrating on his boat, wasn't I?
So, this is her. Joan.
Joan of Arc.
Oh, is it?
She looks a bit tasty, doesn't she?
She was only young, though, wasn't she? Yeah?
Did you get married in a church? No.
Where did you get married in? The pub.
So the pub is your church, really?
I don't walk in there and they start telling me how to live my life.
Apart from the publican, they can get a bit like that,
but I've told... I want absolutely no mention of God at the thing,
which you are not allowed to with a civil service,
and I want a humanist burial as well.
I want to be put in a wheelie bin
and pushed down Lordship Lane. Right.
With a trumpet band playing. Yeah, yeah.
And then sit me in the Plough.
It'd have to be a Tuesday, because they don't collect the bins...
No, the Monday, because they do a burger and a pint for a tenner.
OK, fair enough. Look at that one up there, Mick.
That's beautiful, that one up there. That's a lovely window.
You all right? Yeah. Yeah.
France, a place where food is taken so seriously that,
if you don't take it seriously, you're seen as odd.
They talk about food, they talk about where it comes from,
how you cook it. They are obsessed with it.
They are food bores.
Few things encapsulate the French love of food more than
the humble frog leg.
On the outskirts of Lyon, you will find France's
premier frog eatery - Restaurant Christophe Marguin.
You do it. Yeah?
The way I do it at home.
He's like...MasterChef.
Little Chef.
Are the best cooks men or women?
Who does the cooking at home?
I prefers me. You prefers you?
I'm sure. How many eggs? All three eggs? Three for one person.
When my wife cooks at home,
I have to drink loads of alcohol before I eat
because it's so terrible. My wife, she don't...
I drink a lot before we start.
Now I whisk? Yeah.
I heard this noise coming from his bedroom last night.
THEY LAUGH
And am I right in thinking that there's maybe a shortage
of frog's legs, and there are people who would farm them
or collect them illegally?
Only one person has a farm in France.
One farm? Yes, only one in France.
The Gallic frog is one of the world's most prodigious procreators.
Patient lovers, they will mate for a month at a time
in multiple trysts.
And then there is life...
throbbing, heaving,
swollen life.
This is a glorious spectacle,
a masterpiece in the Creator's gallery,
every life form a hymn
to God.
I think if I eat that much butter and those, I will CROAK.
THEY CHUCKLE
We put the frogs in the flour.
Toss them in the flour.
Too much flour is no good.
Uh-huh.
We put inside...
How long do they stay in the pan for?
Three minutes, four minutes.
We put salt...
I'm getting heart disease just looking at it.
And you can see the special plates. We have frogs on the plates.
Good God.
It's been nice knowing you, Noel.
Mmm!
That smells like France. We taste it.
Delicious.
And what wine would you drink with this, he says,
dropping a huge hint?
What wine would you drink?
White wine. Oh, really? Yeah. Really?
They are absolutely first class. There are no bones.
Delicious. Voila. Compliments to the chef.
Restaurant Marguin is a political institution,
a place where French Premiers must pay homage
to their national dish,
after which, they may visit the cellar.
It's a collection of my father's.
His collection of bottles of Armagnac.
And you can see the date - 1988,
1980, 1970, 1960,
1950...
The oldest one? No. No.
You can see it's Bordeaux, 1878.
Mm-hm. It's 300 years now.
300. Right, OK.
We're going to drink these now, yeah? Not today!
THEY ALL LAUGH
Oh, man.
Look, six-litre Chateau Mouton Rothschild.
If you hold that, it'll look like you've shrunk.
Is this the one we're going to drink now?
No!
Oh, come on, you're teasing us. Which one are we going to drink?
You're getting the... Shakes!
I'm looking forward to trying it. Salut. Sante!
Sante, sorry.
Steady on.
Typical Englishman - he just wants to get it down his neck.
I think we should crack open a couple of more bottles of this
to celebrate the Tour de France. Yeah. Cheers.
Look, bulls, ain't they, they are. Yeah. Proper.
As you know, to prepare for a decent cycle ride,
you should get inebriated for about a week solid
and just follow that up with eating during the day...
and drinking, stopping for a couple of hours,
then eating and drinking in the evening.
What was really funny was, Noel kept convincing himself
that, somehow, this hour's cycling a week
was going to combat the fact that we were drinking
a pint-and-a-half of butter a day.
If I'm home, I'm commuting at least four days a week,
say 40 minutes there, 40 minutes back, on average,
it's an-hour-and-a-half's exercise,
I can eat what like, drink, and I still keep the weight off. Yeah.
I had to look at him and say, "Noel, we are dying here.
"We are slowly dying."
Bonjour.
If Lyon is the kitchen of France,
then the surrounding area of Poulan Bresse is its pantry.
Its most famous product is the chicken.
We're going to meet a man who probably sells
the most expensive chickens possibly in the world. Really?
I think they're about 300 euros... Get out of it!
..with the top-quality one.
It's a ridiculous amount of money.
300 euros? Hello there. Hello!
Welcome to the Bresse area. Thank you.
I'm Micky, you are...? Joel.
Joel? Joel, Noel. Oh!
Joel? Like Billy Joel?
Exactly. Exactly.
Not the same people. If you burst into song, we'll understand why.
These are female chickens or men chickens?
Men chickens, but no more men.
We have cut the...you understand? Cut off the...? Yes!
Knackers. No wonder he looks miserable.
They're not so happy. I'd be going like that
if you'd cut off my knackers.
But his feet are blue. Yes,
they're blue legs, the red comb
and the white feathers.
I show you the little chicken now with one day.
The Bresse chickens, speciality from the Bresse chickens.
LOUD CHEEPING
Aw...
He must stay here for 60 weeks and after, we kill it.
Not this one, please. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
He's going to cry.
Put him in my pocket.
In the UK, we love chickens so much,
we have, in maybe one high street,
you'll have four different chicken places -
Chicken Hut,
Chicken Shop, Chicken Chicken... Chicken Cottage. Chicken Licken.
Not More Fucking Chicken.
THEY ALL LAUGH
Each year, post slaughter, Joel's chickens are entered into
Les Glorieuses de Bresse.
the world-renowned chicken beauty pageant.
Joel has one twice.
For the competition, we will make every chicken like that.
Chapons, poulardes, Bresse chicken.
Have you ever had one wake up?
Have you ever had one go, "Wah!
"What's going on?"
THEY ALL LAUGH
He's saying, "Wah! Too tight!"
Aye-aye, look at this. Look.
WHOOSHING
You should be, like, a hairdresser.
"You going on holiday this year?
"Been anywhere nice?"
Is that finished?
It's finished. Voila.
You'll be all right, son.
Yeah.
WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS
A former Michelin-star chef,
Joel now uses his talents to make every chicken he cooks
an ambassador to the Bresse region that he loves so much.
"My flesh is tender and juicy,
"my skin is thin and pearly."
That sounds like something from a Thai website.
NOEL GUFFAWS
Oi, oi, that was quick service.
You have the Bresse chicken with cream sauce.
Oh, that looks good. With gratin dauphinois.
What's the most expensive chicken you've ever eaten?
That's a question.
Well, I think Lucy once spent £12 on a chicken. 12 quid?!
I hit the roof.
Blimey, I bet you were gnawing the bones for three months. No, she was.
I bet she got four meals out of it. Bon appetit. Merci.
Merci, monsieur. Bon appetit. Thank you very much. Merci.
That is very, very nice.
That's delicious.
Merci. Thank you very much.
Merci beaucoup. Superb. Merci!
You've got to give it to the French, though.
They are good at food, ain't they?
WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS
I see kids now, they finish school
and they'll be walking along the street eating chicken and chips.
Hmm. Before they go home.
But if I'd have had turned up indoors at 4 o'clock
with fish and chips, or something, my mum would have said
not only, "Where did you get the money for that?" but...
You're going to ruin your dinner. Whereas now they say,
"Oh, really? You ain't had any chips for an hour?
"Why don't you go and eat a bucket of fried fat?"
Joel, this is absolutely delicious. It's good? It's fantastic.
It's better than good. It's fantastic.
Keep up the great work with the chickens. Hmm.
And if ever I'm back this way,
I'm going to buy one of your chickens.
Fantastic. Cheers. Thank you for your hospitality.
On the outskirts of Provence sits Belezy,
one of France's oldest nude campsites.
The area prides itself on 300 days of sunshine a year...
THUNDER CRASHES
'You went on your own. Where was Noel?'
He's really happy to listen to a lot of bollocks,
but he doesn't like looking at 'em so much.
So, given that he does have to listen to a lot of it from me,
I felt it was unfair to force too many testicles on him
at that part of the trip. He was having such a lovely time,
why put a bummer in his face?
♪ This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius... ♪
Communal naturism was invented by the English judge
Charles Edward Gordon Crawford in 1891.
But it was the French that truly embraced nudity
as a way of life.
I am probably, like a lot of British people,
I'm interested in the European approach to sex and nudity,
just the fact that they were more open and happy
with nudity and making love,
and so I thought, "Let's go there and see what are these people like".
Bonjour.
Sadly, we arrived on a rather rainy day, which sort of made it
a little bit "That's a shame," cos I wanted to see them all cavorting.
They were all sort of hidden away in their nude houses,
in their nude huts.
Hi there. Diana, I believe. This is me.
Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Micky. Hello. Tony?
Am I OK to come in? Sure. Yeah? Thank you.
The principles of nakedness
are still hugely attractive to English holiday-makers today.
We've had a few discussions, the crew and I,
about how we feel about nudity,
and cos I've sort of tried it.
I felt more comfortable with my clothes on.
And I wonder, is that something deep within my British psyche
that's not allowing me to be free and liberated?
Or am I just that sort of person?
It takes, really, probably two to three days
living in a place like this
to become absolutely comfortable about it.
For the first couple of days,
you perhaps walk around with a very long T-shirt on.
Yes. I think I'd do that.
And then that disappears. Would you start rolling it up?
No, you wear your long T-shirt for the first couple of days.
You go down to the pool,
you take your T-shirt off because you're going in the pool,
and after 24 hours, you think, "Why am I bothering to do this?"
Because everybody else is walking round completely naked,
it disappears.
One of the things about naturism...
I know this sounds silly, but you actually tend to forget about sex
when there are lots of people with no clothes on.
But sex is certainly not the thing that's at the forefront of your mind.
Is there any sexual tension at times?
There never seems to be. No. No.
And people often ask, do men get an erection or something like that.
But I've never, ever seen one.
I think if anything, I'd probably be suffering from the reverse of that
initially, cos my nerves would make me... Hold back? Yeah.
And certainly the fear of becoming aroused in public,
in front of other people, you would be seen as possibly a bit suspect...
In 20 years, neither of us has ever seen anything like that.
Ever. No. Never? No.
Everyone outside imposes things on the nudist or the naturist.
"Oh, they must be having sex all the time," or "They must be a bit pervy.
"Why have we got to look at your testicles or your saggy arse?"
And what they're saying is you don't have to!
"You know, if you want to come here,
"yes, you are going to have to look at my...old chap.
"But YOU came here."
And that's why, to me, it seems really, really fair
that they have places where they can hang out.
Boom-boom.
Blind horse.
A riding school there, look. Yeah, yeah. The old showjumping.
They've got to be looking at each other and going,
"Ooh, just keep jumping, otherwise you end up in the pan." Yeah.
Ah! Ohhh!
'Ey! Ah, fuckin' hell! You all right? Been stung.
HORN TOOTS Yeah, yeah.
6,000 feet high,
with wind speeds in excess of 200mph,
Mont Ventoux dominates the landscape that surrounds it.
It is a cycling Mecca, infamous for being the mountain that killed
British cycling legend Tom Simpson in 1967.
Nevertheless, once the winter snows thaw,
cyclists from all over the world
start to congregate at the mountain base.
There they wait for the weather to break,
and then they start their lonely pilgrimage to the top.
So it becomes this mythical challenge,
that if you're a cyclist
you must take on Ventoux at some point in your life.
And Noel's like any other keen cyclist. He wanted to take it on.
Cos it is important to cyclists. They're a very simple breed.
Y'know, this is what excites them. They like going up things.
And when they get to the top, they go, "Yeah, I'm at the top!"
This is where it starts getting a bit lunar landscape.
You start coming out the trees. Yeah? It all gets a bit barren. Yeah.
It gets really bleak.
We get to the Tom Simpson memorial soon, don't we? Yeah, yeah.
Y'know when they do those films, when it's the end of the world?
I imagine this is what it would be like.
Is this the memorial? Oh, it is, look. To Tom Simpson. Is this it?
Yeah. Yeah.
So, this is the poor English fella who died a kilometre from the top?
I think it's only a kilometre from the top, yeah.
Tragic. It is. Absolutely tragic.
I think it sort of changed the way people started to look at the Tour
and say, "These boys can push theirselves so far, so hard
"that they will kill theirselves, so we need to start tightening up".
It's an aspect of the sport that they die. Yeah.
Fuckin' hell! Cor blimey!
WIND HOWLS
I've only forgot the sandwiches!
We'll give the picnic a miss, I think!
So, this is it. Yeah, look, the summit.
That marks the highest point. So if you went like that...
You're even higher. ..you're even higher. Yeah, trust you.
What about if I get on the top?
I wouldn't recommend it on a day like today.
NOEL LAUGHS
Oh, no!
No, this is seriously windy, innit? Yeah.
If I'm going to be doing this tomorrow, I hope it's not like this.
I'm hoping we've chosen a better day tomorrow.
MICKY LAUGHS
Quick! We have to go! Let's just get back in the car.
At the base of Ventoux sits the village of Bedoin.
Hello! Welcome to Bedoin Mont Ventoux.
We're very happy to receive
the cyclists from everywhere in the world.
The Tour de France has passed through Bedoin 15 times,
and all its top riders have been tended to by elite masseur Roger.
I ordered a massage for him by a very, very professional man,
a bloke who does it all the time. He's not some fly-by-night.
So, these hands that are rubbing my thighs at the moment,
which famous cyclists' legs have they also rubbed?
Wiggins. Ooh! Eh? Chris Boardman. Chris Boardman, yeah, yeah.
Erm, O'Grady.
O'Grady, yeah. Thor Hushovd, the Norwegian. Yeah.
What about Jens Voigt? Ah, Jens Voigt, of course. Yeah, yeah.
He's got that famous quote, hasn't he?
They said to him, "What do you do when your legs are tired?"
He said, "I say, 'Shut up, legs!'"
Ah, you speak French, hein?
THEY LAUGH
Almost perfect. You are a natural.
Was you a cycling fan
before you became a team therapist or a team masseur?
Cycling is my sport. Yeah. It's becoming my number one sport now.
Oh, it's mine, as well.
NOEL LAUGHS
After drinking, I love it.
Roger, can I ask you again, for tomorrow's climb? You need a warm-up.
Mm-hm. On the flat? You need the 20 kilometre before.
20 kilometres before?! Is long, huh?
Yeah, but on the flat, not on the hill. Yes, not on a hill. Of course!
What is the average time for an amateur?
For the good cyclists, 1:30, 1:40 is a good time.
Mm-hm. Many people go up two hours. Two hours is a good time.
I'll be happy if I do two hours.
Very good. As I say, after the ride, maybe I'll need a longer massage.
You need a drink. That's what you need after the ride. Yeah.
Because I'm such a great friend and I care about him so deeply,
I took him out over two nights for some very, very big meals
and some serious bottles of red wine,
cos I had to get across to him
that that's how the professionals do it.
The professionals drink copious amounts of beer in the evening
and they cycle the next day.
I said, "You're no different, Noel. You are a Rolls-Royce amongst men.
"This mountain's going to be a breeze.
"Have another cracker."
You all right? Yeah. Yeah.
Now we're here. Yeah. Sometimes a man's life leads him to a road.
Your life has led you to this road. Steep road.
MICKY LAUGHS
My life leads me to the ones that go downhill.
Yours has led you to the one that goes uphill.
It certainly is going to be uphill.
I've got to ask you how you're feeling.
A little bit nervous, apprehensive.
So, are you ready to go? I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
You've got nice music on there? # This is my moment... #
Got a few power ballads on your earphones?
Oh, I'm going to have a bit of tunes inspiring me to get up there.
Have fun. Cheers. We're here. Au revoir.
Do I salute?
I'm just going to go and have omelette and chips.
As soon as I've ate that, I'm going to be right on your bottom.
OK. All right. All right, then. See you later. Enjoy, enjoy!
He's got no chance.
There are just certain things
that weren't going to happen on this trip.
One of them was me get fit enough to go up a mountain on a bike.
I don't think I could've even come down it
without stopping off for something to eat, at least.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
I know he's a really good cyclist,
but we're going into a whole new territory now.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
Come in, number 42! Your time is up!
Should I start playing the national anthem for you now?
On a scale of one to ten, how are you feeling?
Oh, what, good or bad, do you mean?
You're doing brilliantly. Yeah. Cheers, mate.
MICKY HUMS "La Marseillaise"
Your country needs you!
BELL PINGS Come on! You're nearly there!
NOEL LAUGHS I'll see you at the top!
Don't know what all the fuss is about!
Men do all sorts of bizarre things, don't they?
They go and buy a really fast car or rock climbing or something.
They just do anything to get them out of the house, y'know,
to give them something to go and do apart from be shouted at.
NOEL BREATHES HEAVILY
Whoo-hoo!
Go, Noely!
Cheers, mate. Thank you. Unbelievable! Another hug!
I'm honoured! Unbelievable.
I'm honoured! Shall we open this champagne? Oh, yeah.
It would be wrong not to.
THEY CHEER
Whoo-hoo!
Well! Cheers. If I had a few moments when I doubted you...
I doubted myself at times. ..I will kick myself for even thinking it.
One of the moments I genuinely doubted this
was when you poured another glass of red wine last night.
I know! I think I might have had too much Dutch courage last night.
You've done it. I know! King of the hill. Well, mountain. "Hill"?!
There is nothing more, really much more for you to achieve. No.
No, that's it.
As you know, in most travelogues they have a little insert
or what they call a trailer, where they'll show the two people.
They'll say, like,
DRAMATIC VOICE: .."There'll be tears!"
HE SOBS
"Where's my pillow menu?"
Or, er, "There'll be tantrums!"
"I will not drink the '97 red" I will NOT!"
NOEL LAUGHS
"There'll be bust-ups." "You took my bike pump.
"I'm not having it! I'm going home!"
We're not having any of that, are we?
So I've brought you here to try and create at least one moment. Right...
This is where people are asked to come and put their name.
They are somehow, in cycling terms, a legend,
someone who's contributed to cycling,
someone who's a personality, and... NOEL LAUGHS
..the mayor, we asked him if you could go up there, and he said yes.
And this means that you get a little plot of land...
Oh! ..to plant a vine.
That's a vine, is it? It's a...wine vine. A wine vine? Yeah. Oh, OK.
That could catch on round here, I reckon.
I'll lead you up here... OK. ..to "the plot".
OK. There's your plot.
There's your plant.
I think it's only fair at this stage that I depart.
Really? Because it's a private, personal moment. That's true.
You climbed the mountain. Uh-huh. I was in the car.
You're right next to Eddy Merckx!
Where? There, look. Eddy Merckx. Down there?
Can I bring some tissues? I need more earth!
I think it was after Mont Ventoux
that we both fell in love with this country.
It had seduced us.
Y'know?
Simple as that.
Y'know, "Do with me what you will, France. I am yours.
"Slather me in butter and put me on the griddle.
"Whatever it is you want to do to me, I'm here for you."
I think the sun creates hot passion in Provence. Yes!
Everyone wants to make love.
I think it's the sun.
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