A lot of guys my age say, "every day I think I'm becoming more like my dad."
I think I'm becoming more like my mom.
A few years ago, I was watching that show,
Access Hollywood and one of the reports said,
"up next, Sandra Bullock's former husband tells his side of the story."
And out loud, I went, "ugh! This ought to be good."
My mom is Catholic and my dad is Catholic.
I was dating a girl a few years ago
who wasn't Catholic and my mom asked me
if she was going to convert to Catholicism.
Oh, mom.
How would I get my girlfriend to convert to Roman Catholicism?
I couldn't even get her to see the movie Lincoln.
How would I do that? What, do I come home
with a brochure, and I'm like, "hey, honey, allow me
to tell you about an exciting, not new organization.
Don't Google us.
You know that low level of unhappiness
I've had my entire life?
What if you voluntarily signed up for it?"
[Upbeat music]
Mulaney - 01x05 - In the Name of the Mother, and the Son and the Holy Andre
sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com
(Motif) Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay?
Hey, what you doing?
My mom's gonna be here in a few minutes.
She sent me this Irish blessing a couple months ago
and I told her I hung it up.
"May you work with your hands to keep them from sin,
and may you be grateful when you are dying."
Damn on whole wheat, that's depressing.
You Irish Catholics just don't want to be happy.
No. No, we don't.
The Irish don't like nice things.
You ever seen a sweater made in Ireland?
It's like a turtleneck made out of Brillo Pads.
Don't you think you a little old to be lying to your mom?
No, I am not.
Our whole relationship is based on lies.
Lies that keep her from being disappointed
and me from feeling guilty.
It's a good thing she's leaving Saturday
'cause I still told her I go to church every Sunday.
I'm so glad my relatives are non-religious Persians.
All they care about are marble statues and sectional couches.
My mom does care about religion.
I told her I go to that church in our neighborhood
I even invented a fake priest that I said I was buddies with.
Father Trey.
He's young, he's cool,
and he and I shoot hoops every weekend.
Mulaney, if you don't believe in God, why don't you say so?
No, I think I believe in God.
I just don't believe in all that stuff
they taught us in church, you know?
Right, like you don't believe in a dude named Jesus
who was actually the son of God.
Don't make me say that out loud.
[Phone beeps]
Oh, my alarm.
Must be time to take my birth control...
For sex.
Yeah, things are getting pretty serious
with that lawyer Greg.
- Didn't ask. - Don't care.
He's a talented lawyer and a feminist.
I'm as lucky as Hillary Clinton.
Haven't you had bad side effects
when you've been on birth control?
If I remember correctly, the last time
you were on the pill, you burst into tears
when the movie Crash won Best Picture.
That was the right time to talk about race.
I'm on a new brand now.
It's called Jazzapram.
Yeah, I mean, maybe there's a couple side effects
but what do you expect?
Birth control tricks your body into thinking it's pregnant.
Whoa. That's what it does?
Yeah, Motif, what did you think birth control did?
Hmm...
Kill those sperm!
Game over, baby! Yeah!
[Knock on door]
Okay, that's my mom.
Nobody swear.
And no one mention that weekend that we all did coke.
- Mom, hey. - Hey, mister man!
John, have you been smoking?
Like three weeks ago, once.
John, you think Pete Sampras smokes?
You still want to be Pete Sampras, don't you?
Anyway, I'm sorry your dad couldn't make it.
It's the only weekend the boat guy can put the boat in.
And he likes to be there when the boat guy puts the boat in.
Hi, Mrs. Mulaney.
Hi, Janey, still boy crazy?
I think the way I act comes from a rational place.
Hey, Mrs. "M."
There's my guy. Hello, Gerald.
You know I changed my name. I'm Motif now.
Oh, really?
I always thought Gerald was such a nice name.
You did?
I'm sorry, I'll go back to Gerald.
So mom, are you ready to go to Celebrity You Guessed It?
I can't wait to meet Lou Cannon.
Look, mom, if Lou is rude at all,
just don't take it personally.
John, people don't have to worry about my feelings.
Yo, we gotta change the name on the fliers to say,
"Sh'boy Productions and the 'Finna Get Got Comedy Explosion presents: Gerald."
Hey, Lou, my mom is visiting today.
Do you mind if I introduce her to you?
Is she a woman over 40?
Yes, she's my mom.
Amigo, I'm much more comfortable
around more recently born women.
What can I say? I'm a Peter Pan.
Okay, let's get this over with right now, please.
I've got two minutes of mom banter in me, okay?
Hi there, I'm John's mother, Patti.
Your mother? I thought it was your sister.
Ha!
Thank you for letting John write on your show.
Well, John is a real person and we're so very lucky
and all that.
And I just gotta say, I loved when you guest starred
on Murder Squad San Diego. You're funny,
but you're really good at the serious stuff too.
Serious stuff? You mean like, drama?
You're great.
I was watching your character and I was like,
"God love him, but he killed his freaking wife."
Well, thank you.
I mean... you know, that was based on a true story.
In fact, that woman actually died.
John, is this your sister?
You already did that joke.
But now I'm really asking.
I mean, I'm just now looking at her eyes
and they're... They're brand new and beautiful.
Oh, Barf. Come on, you're a nut.
[Laughs]
So can I ask you something?
Is Dave Letterman nice?
Not remotely.
But I'm going to the Yankees game
with him on Monday. Why don't you join me?
Why not?
I'd love to go to a Yankee game.
John, that means I'm staying until Monday.
So now we can go to Sunday mass together!
And I can meet this Father Trey you're always talking about.
But, no. You... no.
You can't stay till Monday 'cause...
Lou, you probably want to take someone else
to the game, right?
Mom, remind me, how old are you?
Well, my friend Jodi Conners from spinning and I
like to say we're "50-cool."
[Laughter]
- Jodi Conners from spinning? - Yes.
Oh, she sounds fascinating.
How did you know her?
Like, did you just meet her a long time ago?
(Patti) No, we were children...
I need Lou to take it back in by.
My mom can't stay till Sunday
and find out that Father Trey is fake.
She'll be so disappointed.
Don't tell me about upset moms.
Now that I'm billed as "Gerald Goodson,"
my mom finally saw my act.
She was sitting in the front row when I did my bit about booty cleavage.
Well, you didn't have to do that bit.
Are you sure you don't want to come in?
My apartment is empty.
Go to the Arcade.
I'd love to, but I have court in the morning.
We're suing a major retailer
that won't cover women's contraceptives.
Ugh, well, I hope they get the electric chair.
- Oh. - Bye.
[Gasps]
I win, I win, I win!
Jane, your shirt.
That is a Keith level of sweat.
Yeah, well, it's freezing and burning hot in here.
Plus, I get so nervous around Greg.
He's, like... he's, like, so nice to me.
And then, like, sometimes, I'm, like, I don't even
- think I deserve... - Hey, Jane, it's okay.
I know it's okay! I'm not an idiot!
Ooh-whee. Mood swings.
Jane, I think that Jazzapram's messing with you.
The only thing Jazzapram is doing
is letting me have stress-free boning
with that TNT drama-looking dude.
Just relax, Motif.
It's like the commercial says.
♪Jazzapram ♪
♪ Pop a pill ♪
♪ And plan your life like jazz ♪
This jingle does not assuage my fears.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Mulaney, where's your mommy?
I brought her some welcome brownies.
Are they pot brownies?
Thanks for ruining the surprise.
Oh, Jazzapram.
I'm on this too.
It's for my acne.
Andre, you realize that's a birth control
containing loads of estrogen.
I've been taking birth control?
To think of all the money I wasted on condoms.
$3.
I like to show people my New York, you know?
The cozy corners, the quirky side streets.
None of the touristy stuff.
We're in the middle of Times Square.
Oh, my God,
has Times Square changed.
I remember when it was all just porno shops.
Oh, Lou, don't say "porno."
- Porno. - Lou!
- Porno. Porno. - Lou! Lou!
- Porno, porno... - You're nuts!
[Laughter]
This is an actual dream I had.
What do you think Patti's doing in that department store?
Admiring the latest baubles and trinkets?
She's going to the bathroom.
Look, Lou, I need your help, okay?
I can't go to church with my mom.
So you need to tell her the Yankee game is off.
Please, heathen to heathen, lie for me.
No. I can't lie to that woman.
She's different.
I look at her, and I want to make her happy.
I wish I could kill her husband.
That's my dad.
All right, fine, if the devil won't help me,
I know who will.
So you'd have to say your name is Father Trey,
and you're young, and you're cool,
and I'm here every week, all right?
And every weekend, you and me shoot hoops together.
Let me get this straight.
You want me, a Catholic priest,
to lie, in a church, to your mother?
Atta boy, you got it.
I'm not going to lie for you.
Come on, father, I earned it.
I went to church every Sunday for 12 years
and once in college
when I thought my girlfriend was pregnant.
Was she with child?
No, and you know it's way harder to get pregnant
than you people told us.
Look, please, just do this for me,
and I promise you will never have to see me again.
We're the Catholic Church. We want to see you again.
That's our goal!
I suggest you do some praying.
Yeah, but that doesn't work, right?
Never mind, Father.
I'm sorry I disrespected you with that request.
Hey.
I'm doing this set
for the Tonight Show booker next week,
and it's kind of a big deal. If you could...
Ugh, 2:00 A.M.
All right, I might as well give this a shot.
- They turned the wheel... - [TV off]
[Sighs]
[Clears throat]
Hi, God.
First off, I'm sorry that I only contact you lately
when I'm on a flight with really bad turbulence,
but I need your help right now.
And I would like to point out that I never did jokes
about priest molestation during that whole thing,
even though a lot of stand-up comics did,
and I totally could have.
God, please do not let my mom find out
that I lied about church.
If you do this for me,
I promise I will give a lot of money to charity
when I become a big, successful comedian,
which while we're talking
is also something I would like very much.
Thank you.
Send.
Ew, are you praying?
What? No.
No, I'm just masturbating.
(Cantor) Thank you for coming to Sunday mass.
Now please, give a warm welcome
to our special guest celebrant from Astoria, Queens,
Father Trey.
All right! Good morning!
Good morning, good morning.
What a slam dunk day.
Let's do this.
It's a miracle.
I like to think of two angels in heaven,
gigantic wings flowing behind them.
One turns to the other and says,
"I miss back rubs."
[Laughter]
He thought I said, "Hosanna in the Hyatt."
He didn't know.
[Laughter]
In closing, to quote the song
from Save by the Bell: The College Years,
"I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow,
today."
And so are you.
In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit,
amen.
Amen.
Peace be with you.
I've got to say hello to Father Trey.
Beautiful mass, father.
Oh, thank you. You were a great crowd.
Thanks for coming.
You too, John. Good to see you.
What?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, good to see you.
Hey, mom, hold up one sec.
How do you know my name?
From VH1. I'm a big fan.
Did Father Ed put you up to this?
Oh, no.
I'm so sorry to have to tell you this,
but Father Ed passed away suddenly last night.
Last night?
Not, like, at 2:00 A.M., right?
No.
2:01.
Hey, hey, hey, what you doing?
Jane, you seem bad.
Your voice is all nasally and whiney, and...
Why are you dressed like Andre?
What do you mean? I'm always hot and cold.
So I got the t-shirt, right, to keep my belly cool,
but then the knit cap, right, in case my noodle gets cold,
and the cardigan? Uh, he just comes and goes.
Oh, my God, I'm Andre! Oh, my God!
Jane! Hey, hey, hey,
hey, check the warning label. See what the symptoms are.
"Jazzapram: May cause sweating, unmanageable hair,
an annoying voice, and cartoonishness.
Some patients have experienced haplessness
and/or an inability to know when to leave the room."
- Oh, my God! - Oh. Oh.
You better get off those pills before you get cast in the next Muppet movie.
[Gasps]
Hey, hey, hey, look, you said Greg was a good guy.
He cares about women. He'll understand.
Oh, no, no, no, I don't want things to slow down with Greg.
Plus, it's not like Jazzapram's the thing that made Andre Andre.
[Knocking at the door]
[Scoffs] Sorry to just knock and enter.
That's rude.
I got off Jazzapram, and I'm putting together
a Hamptons share with some buddies from work...
I got a job...
And wanted to extend an invite to the both of you.
Andre, you look good.
Pass.
Oh, hello.
Oscar, do you believe in God?
I believe in Manhattan, but come in.
Oscar, I think I might have prayed someone to death.
Don't be ridiculous.
No, no, I'm serious.
I prayed that my mom wouldn't find out
that I don't go to church,
and I think it got this old priest killed.
John, your prayers can't kill someone.
Here, pray that you want my fern to die,
this one here, Connie Chung.
No, please, don't make...
Say "dear God, kill Connie Chung the plant."
Make sure to say, "the plant."
Dear God, kill Connie Chung the plant.
And... she's fine.
John, maybe you feel so bad
because you wanted to stop lying
and tell your mother the truth.
No, no, I don't.
You don't know what it's like to hide something for this long.
You're right. I mean, I was in the closet
from 1938 until 1977, but, no,
I couldn't possibly understand what you're going through.
Was your mom disappointed when you finally told her?
She was only disappointed that I ever felt
I couldn't tell her the truth.
She was my mother.
Also, I told her during that "son of Sam" thing.
I don't think she even heard me.
What? You went off Jazzapram?
Jane, that's what I fight for,
so that women can have access to birth control.
Right, if they want it.
I had access, tried it, became a gnome,
and now I don't want it. We can still have sex.
No, honey, I can't wear condoms.
Oh, my God, is it, like, a medical thing?
No, they just feel weird.
Right, so rather than wear the equivalent of a windbreaker,
you want me to take a pill
that "twilight zones" my menstrual cycle.
It just seems easier to me.
Okay, you're not pro-women, you're just anti-condom.
Hey, hey, no, relax.
There's other stuff that we can do.
Or you can do.
Oh, that's sweet of you!
Okay, well, why don't you go to my room and get ready...
[Laughs] Okay. And I'll be in in a minute
for all that "other stuff."
Mmm, I love it.
- Okay. - [Giggling]
Get in there!
[Clears throat]
Hey, 911, there's a naked man in my bedroom.
Anything he has in his hand is a gun, thank you.
I'm sorry Lou didn't have a ticket for you
for the Yankee game. If it's any consolation,
Dave Letterman stares straight ahead the whole time,
and when you try to talk to him, his face turns beet red.
Hey, mom, I have something to tell you
that might upset you.
John, I'm proud of you no matter who you choose to love.
No, it's not that, I'm straight. I'm just delicate.
Mom, I lied about being friends with Father Trey.
I'm not. In fact,
I never go to church anymore.
I kissed Lou...
What? You kissed Lou?
We were at the Yankee game and he mooched me.
But you can't tell dad about it
because my celebrity exception is Noah Wyle.
Mom! I am so disappointed in you.
Well, don't be. We're all human.
I wish you went to church, but you're a good kid
and I know you'll figure it out.
Just promise me you'll settle down
and you won't turn into some 60-year-old comedian
who tries to mooch everyone.
(Lou) Patti, come out here! I love you!
Lou, go home! You're a nut!
He's a nut.
I got to go. I love you.
- Mmm. - I love you too, mom.
(Lou) No one loves me!
I love you, Lou...
(Lou) Thank you.
Hey, Jane, I need to talk to you.
That wasn't cool.
Are you Greg, the guy that broke Jane's heart?
Yeah, why? Who are you?
I'm Andre.
I've been off the pill for a week.
And I'm gonna kick your ass.
No. No, get that away from me!
Sorry, Connie.
sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com