2x02 - Black Jaws or Finger Lickin' Chicken of the Sea
Okay, okay, man. Shh, shh! Come on, baby.
- How much base do you need? - Man, I'm giving you $2,
a cheeseburger with no cheese on it, and conjoined
cambodian twins. That's got to be
worth more base than that.
- Shit! The cops! - Wait! What about my base?!
Police! Stop him! He stole my base!
Come on, Lamont.
- Give it up. It's over. - We got you for drugs, and we
- got you for murder. - M-M-Murder?
- What ... what murder? - The one you're being framed
for with this bull[bleep] evidence we're gonna plant.
I can't do life. Life is what killed my father.
Besides, I can't get my new suede Pumas wet.
Damn, life or wet Pumas?
What a [bleep] up day this has turned out to be.
Nah, [bleep] it. Bye, bitch.
Well, did he fly?
Because there's no way in hell he jumped in the water!
He's black!
Nice try, pigs!
Didn't think a black man could swim, did you?
Help! Come in here and get me!
Please come get me! Help! I'd rather go to jail!
My guts!
Hold on to your black balls! It's Black Jaws!
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
♪ He's Dynamite ♪
♪ So Dynamite ♪
♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪
♪ Ooohhh, aaahhhh ♪
♪ He's Dynamite ♪
♪ Dy-no, Dy-no ♪
♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪
♪ Oooohhhh ♪
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
This week...
Damn it, Kissinger!
- The black spade invaders got me! - Sorry, Nix.
- What do you want, anyway? - It's time for your daily
- black briefing, Dick. - Give it to me, kiss.
And remember, bad black news is good white news.
Let me just fire up the old R.A.C.I.S.T.
We just confirmed that the
agent orange Kool-aid we sell in the black community does,
- in fact, cause cancer. - Wait. Why are you confirming
that the thing we created to cause cancer causes cancer?
My bad. With those two we have here.
The self-hating jheri-curl activator we created is not
catching on. We should put this one on an ice cube
until we find the right [bleep] with attitudes to make it popular.
- Blah, blah, blah. Next. - Nothing else too interesting.
There are sporadic reports of shark attacks on blacks.
To increase blood pressure in
the black community, we are adding sodium
to sports clothing. We are going to buy the NBA.
Stop the pickaninny presses. Tell me more about that
- darky sharky shit. - First, a routine negro
frame-up was interrupted by a shark attack.
Later, an interracial couple was attacked, but the shark
did not eat the white girl. In fact, the shark even gave
- her a ride home. - Where's that
soul-food-people-eating shark now?
The shark will most likely follow a path down the coast.
Fantastic. Now we need a way to get the
entire negro population in the water at once.
Kiss, what do you get when you mix music, food, fancy cars,
motorcycles, ass, and negroes together with water?
- I don't know. Good times? - Black beach week!
Get the mayor of that podunk [bleep] beach town on the phone
and have him throw the biggest, funkiest, blackest party
the beach has ever seen. We'll call it "Operation Blaqua Party."
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
Unh-unh-unh! I got my gold "[bleep] 'em
girl" bathing suit on, my matching cornrows, got the
titties percolatin'. Ha ha!
I can't wait to see how many suckas I can turn down
- at this blaqua party. - Ha!
You think somebody gonna talk to you, C-3PO?
Well, may the force be with you, girl.
I'm-a force my foot up your ass, lookin' like
- a black Michelin man. - Hey, and I'll be damned
if I'm-a get my beautiful hair wet, 'cause if I do get my
do wet, it won't look wet anymore.
Damn!
- Bullhorn, what's wrong with you? - I been fasting my
ass off for three days preparing for this soul food eatin' contest.
I've got to be the hungriest mother[bleep] in all of Los Angeles!
Well, it's too bad you're gonna lose.
You know Thick James gonna be there.
He done won every soul food eatin' contest this
- community ever had. - Man [bleep] Thick James.
I can eat 10 whales with a side of buffalo and their wings!
It's Bullhorn that'll be the new soul-food king. That is...
- ...if I could make it to this damn thing. - Black Dynamite,
I know you're not wearing your everyday ass-kicking clothes
to the beach. You gonna look ridiculous if you
- don't look ridiculous. - It's only a beach, Cream Corn ...
just a big-ass bathtub with fish in it.
And if you've seen one big-ass bathtub with fish in it, you've seen 'em all.
- Besides, beaches are for bitches. - I know that's right,
and this bitch is about to be the sexiest bitch
on the beach. I'm telling you, when I hit
the sand, there won't be a soft [bleep] in sight!
Except for y'all's, of course,
'cause, you know, that would be just weird. Ugh!
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
Hey, y'all. Let's do this.
In your face!
- Oh, yeah. - Let's go get some!
"Welcome, darkness..."
darknesses? Hmm. "Welcome to the first annual Blaqua Party.
- Please, black crayola crickets..." - Crayola?
"...stay in the water for as long as you can, and no matter
what happens, do not get out."
Hmm. There's something fishy about
this beach party, and it ain't the fish.
Look, they got merry hos on the merry-ho-round in the water!
Come on! Let's go!
Before I can win this contest of swinin' and
dinin', somebody needs to carry my black ass to the sign-in
booth so my black ass can sign in.
Look! Up in the sky!
- It's a turd! It's a train! - It's Thick James, bitch!
Oh!
Thick James!
I'm Thick James, bitch.
Enjoy yourselves.
Hey, come on in, Black Dynamite.
It's so much fun. Bring them beach balls over
- here, girl. Stop playin'. - Not now, Cream Corn.
Can't you see I'm trying to build a sand whorephanage?
Okay, Black Dynamite, suit yourself.
Your loss.
Man, if they had blaqua parties like this all the time,
- my black ass would live in the sea! - I'm sure you
- would, blaqua man. - Hey! Black Dynamite!
You said beaches was for bitches ...
you better come get some of these bitches while they still wet.
Black Dynamite don't come to bitches ... bitches come
to Black Dynamite. Now, will you please shut the [bleep] up
while grown folks is building a sand whorephanage?
Sorry, Black Dynamite. More wet bitch for me.
Damn. I haven't had a chance to turn down one man yet!
Oh, I'm ... I'm-a do a sexy run down the beach.
That always gets 'em.
Oh, man!
Mm-mmm! Damn!
I ain't never seen a white girl with cornrows before.
Oh, man! That bitch bad! It's something about
the novelty of it. You know what I'm sayin'?
It's like seeing a bigfoot in this mother, [bleep].
Hey, there, white bitch, where you goin'?
Black Dynamite, can you teach me how to surf?
Damn it, little orphan Penny. You made me [bleep] up the sign.
And just for that, you got to teach your own self how to surf.
Mine looks way better than yours!
A [bleep] castle.
- How original. - [bleep], that ain't gonna
stick without no water. Here.
- Hey, my towel! - I got a towel.
Yo, what's up, girl? Right on.
Cream Corn! Shark! Shark! Get out the water!
Cream Corn, nooooooo!
Stop! That tickles! That tickles!
You goin' make pee on myself ... again!
You thought it was a real shark. You stupid.
Suey!
There. Now we even.
Bring on the chitlins, collard greens, and ham-hock meat.
Let's get this mother[bleep] started.
- I'm ready to eat. - Everyone, take your seats.
We're about to begin the soul food ...
[bleep] your speech, nigga. [bleep] your speech.
Let's get this party started.
I'm Thick James, bitch.
- On your march... - We're on, nigga.
Mmm! Mm-Mmm!
I'm Thick James, bitch.
Too bad you slow mother[bleep] got to chew your food.
I'm Thick James, bitch.
Oh! My mouth was open!
- Food is a hell of a drug. - And the winner is
Thick James.
Thick James is truly touched by
your kindness. First, though, I'd like to thank
my lord and savior for blessing me with such a wide throat,
making me greedy enough to swallow such
quantities of food at one time.
And the new winner is, uh... Bullhorn!
And now to present the trophy to the new champ, the sexiest and
only white woman on the beach, international movie star
Bo Derek.
- Ha ha! - That's what I'm talkin' about!
- White bitch! White bitch! - Come on, white girl!
Man. All this having fun and
happiness with nothing going wrong, it's like there's no
reason for Black Dynamite to even be here.
Ooh! Look, Black Dynamite! I'm surfing all by myself!
Stop playing with that [bleep] fake shark
fin, little orphan Arnold. It's not funny.
Okay, Black Dynamite.
Surf, little orphan Penny!
Surf like I never taught you how to surf before!
- Noooooo! - # Dynamite! Dynamite! #
Black Dynamite! Save my ass! There's a shark!
- Oh, my god! - Are you all right?
- Black Dynamite, you ain't [bleep] - Black Dynamite!
Lifeguard! Out there in the water, there's a...
- Get out of the water! - Come on, man.
- Help him, Black Dynamite. - Do something, Black Dynamite!
- God damn, that was your daddy! - Oh, damn!
Why the hell you ain't helping, Black Dynamite?
Because I can't swim, damn it! Are you happy now? I said it.
Black Dynamite can't [bleep] swim.
- What? - And when the
[bleep] did y'all learn how to swim, anyway?
Y'all been taking lessons behind my back?
Wait. But didn't you swim after me in Vietnam?
That was last season, and besides, I was suffering
from posttraumatic flashback disorder.
I'm sorry for saying you weren't [bleep] Black Dynamite.
I know you weren't gonna let that shark eat me.
- Mwah! - Thank you, little orphan Penny,
but the truth is, Black Dynamite was gonna let that shark
eat the hell out you before he would've got in that water.
If he were Dynamite, he'd be able to swim.
You were in the CIA, and you was a navy S.E.A.L.
talkin' 'bout you can't swim? Man, are you for real?
Yeah, Black Dynamite. How is that possible?
Somehow I've just always found a way to avoid swimming.
But what about that bubble bath you took with
the Supremes or that time you was in the shower with
Diana Ross, Donna Summer, and Chaka Khan?
I'm not afraid of water, just swimming, damn it!
Now, if you shut the [bleep] up when I'm trying to give you a flashback,
- I can give you one. - Sorry, Black Dynamite.
- Go ahead and flash back. - Oh, my god!
Oh, Black Dynamite! Please swim out there
and save our kids.
I was a staticky mother[bleep] for
weeks, but at least I didn't have to swim.
Oh, we love you, Black Dynamite.
- Thank you. - Okay, guys.
Dr. Wu's underwater base is directly below us.
Let's swim down there, infiltrate via the docking
ports, and... Black Dynamite. Black Dynamite!
Wait, wait! Wait, wait!
- Damn it! - In some cases,
it would've actually been easier just to swim,
but I managed to find a harder way not to.
Black Dynamite! I see you standing there!
Swim out here and easily save my life!
- Suey! - Is that a bomb?
Why does he stop everything with bombs?!
You smell like fish ass.
So, you see, I am powerless to save ...
[bleep] this, Rallo. I'll never get in the ocean
again. It's strictly water guns and
- fire hydrants for me. - I'm with you, Rallo.
Let's go.
Hello?! Damn it, Mr. Mayor, can't you
see that I'm building a slave ship in a bottle?
Uh, Mr. President, I'm sorry to inform you, but the water's
empty, and the party's over, and the shark only got one negro so far.
No! This plan's too good to just blow my load over one ghetto hamster.
You'd better find a way to get those swamp donkeys back in the
water, or you'll never merk in this titty again, which is "buckwheat" for,
- "you'll never work in this city again"! - Uh, but Mr. President, uh,
merking in this titty is all I got!
H-Hello?
Sir, I believe the R.A.C.I.S.T. has an idea.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen of
the blaqua party, I present to you Earth, wind, fire
- and water in the water. - Oh, fire and water!
- # Do you remember...# - Damn.
Nobody can resist Earth, wind, fire and water.
Come on, Rallo.
Mnh-mnh. Come back! It's too dangerous!
I mean, it was just one little shark attack.
Man, it may be risky, but this concert
I cannot pass. We better move fast 'cause ain't
no tellin' how long our asses will last.
Oh, please. A shark can bite my arm off.
I'm-a get me a man to turn down before I leave.
Cream Corn! Honey Bee! Bullhorn!
Who the [bleep] are you, and why are you sneaking
up behind me all mysterious like that?
I was once told that bitches like mysterious mother[bleep] so
ever since then, I've tried to be a mysterious mother[bleep]
First of all, it's clear that that's not working out for you.
Second of all, that still doesn't tell me who the hell you are.
Oh, my name is Captain Quinton.
I'm a conservationist and lover of every goddamn thing aquatic.
Some call me a nut, but I'm really just a "seaman."
That was a joke.
Aw, whatever. I've traveled the world and the
seven seas. Everybody's looking for something.
But what I'm looking for is that 200-year-old
shark that has just redeveloped the taste
- for black blood. - Black blood?
Please tell me that was just another corny joke.
Oh, I never joke. You think that was a [bleep]
random shark attack? That was the work of Black Jaws.
Black Jaws?
Damn. I used to know a bitch named
Black Jaws, and she was a man-eater, too, but that's
another story. Go on, captain.
All right. But I would like to hear about that bitch a little later.
Now, it all started back in slavery,
with two slave cats named Rallo.
- Come on, now. Roll the dice. - Yeah, nigga, stop wasting our time.
Ha ha! Snake eyes, bitch!
- Give it up, Rallo! - Shit! Here he comes.
All right. You boys better not be down
there having a good time. Remember, this is slavery!
Rallo, we can't have no fun with these mother[bleep]
- enslaving us! - I'm about to get the hell up
out of here, man. We can't be too far from Africa.
- Come on! - Shh!
All right. Let's goooo!
Freedom!
This is a bad idea, Rallo!
For many years after that, Black Jaws followed every damn
slave ship in hopes of getting some more of that black blood,
and blacks stayed out the water for more than 200 years.
Now, if we don't destroy Black Jaws now,
blacks will never be able to swim in peace again.
But why black blood?
Hell, I don't know. Black mother[bleep] might taste
like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know that.
Why? 'Cause I don't eat black
mother[bleep]. Now, look, Black Dynamite,
the future of black swimming is in your hands.
Wait. Why my hands?
'Cause I can give two squid shits about you suckas swimmin',
but because I'm a mysterious negro that just happens
to like chasing black sharks, I'm-a help you.
♪ Ba de ya ♪
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! - # ba de ya #
Oh, my god! It ate water! Damn it!
- I almost had him, too. - I want to run, Rallo,
but when's the next time we're gonna get a free
Earth, wind, fire and water concert ... I mean a Earth, wind,
- and fire concert. - Yeah, yeah, he probably
already done eating. He already ate two.
I mean he already three guys,
so, yeah, he probably ain't even hungry no more.
Ain't that right, Rallo?
Okay, that did it. Enough Earth, wind, fire
- and water for me. - Y'all go ahead.
- I'm still waiting on my song. - Honey Bee, Bullhorn ...
Captain Quinton. He's a mysterious mother[bleep]
that knows everything about sharks and [bleep]
He-e-e-e-lp!
Oh, my goodness! The shark goin' eat Cream Corn!
No, he ain't 'bout to eat him.
He just ate. He's saving him for later.
Your boy Cream Corn is a doggie bag.
Damn it. We have to kill that killer
shark before that killer shark kills again.
But since we don't have a boat, maybe we should just
- say our goodbyes now. - No, you don't have
to kill him! He's dying. Look.
Nah, he ain't dead. That's just the sluggish behavior
sharks exhibit after eating large quantities of food.
The nautical term is "the itis." But when he wakes
up, oh, he gonna chomp the shit out of his ass.
I'm tired of jabberin' our jaws.
Let me at him, man, and I'll ...
Looks like Bullhorn got the itis, too.
- Get your ass up. - Listen, we can go out after him on my boat.
But which one is yours?
Now, look, we gonna need some
bait ... some nice big black bait.
Cream Corn!
The shark [bleep] up my hair, Black Dynamite!
[bleep] your hair, Cream Corn!
- Swim to the damn boat! - No!
Look at my hair! It's not worth it!
Save yourselves! Save yourselves!
Cream Corn, you better get your
- curls ass over here. - Hurry, Cream Corn!
If you don't swim faster, that's your ass ... and your hair!
Okay!
[Bleep] This leak can't be repaired.
We're gonna have to get in the water to save him!
- I can't. - What the [bleep] you mean
you can't? You ain't got a goddamn choice!
No, I-I can't swim. What ... what if ... what if I fail?
Black Dynamite can't fail. No, i-it's not worth the risk.
Sorry, Cream Corn. You're just gonna have
to die for my pride. Thank you!
That's bull[bleep] fear of failure is for mother[bleep]
that afraid of failing, and you are not afraid, and you don't fail!
- What's something you can do well? - Uh, I fight.
I [bleep] I [bleep] and fight.
- Then that's it! - What's it?
You have to conquer the sea with the same confidence you
conquered [bleep] with!
You ain't afraid of no bitch, right? Well, the sea is the baddest
bitch you'll ever know. The water's wet and [bleep] is wet.
It's the same thing, Black Dynamite. You stroke it!
You immerse yourself in it, and then, when you're ready, you
thrust hard, and you go wherever you want to go!
Now, look, you ain't got no time for foreplay, so you gotta take
the jaws off this bitch now ...
- Huh? - Bullhorn!
Wake your ass up! We need your help!
Here, take that!
Wh-whoa!
- Help, Black Dynamite! - Black Dynamite!
The sea is the baddest bitch you'll ever know.
The baddest bitch you'll ever know.
Thrust hard, thrust hard, thrust hard!
Suey! Suey!
Suey! Suey! Suey!
Suey!
Suey! Suey!
Suey!
- Damn. What just happened? - Too much soul food
killed Thick James, and too much Thick James killed Black Jaws.
- I guess you are what you eat. - Uh, y'all look pissed.
- Was there something I missed? - Anyways,
Black Dynamite, how the hell we gonna get back to dry land?
- Suey! Suey! - Stroke it! Stroke it!
Stroke it! Stroke it!
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
Wait, wait, wait, wait, y'all!
It's not Black Jaws ... it's just regular jaws.
- Oh. - Sharks are back to eating
white people again. Let the Blaqua Party continue!
- # Dynamite! Dynamite # - All right, we need another white bitch.
- No, no, no! - I'm sorry, sir.
- Operation Blaqua Party has failed. - Their black blood is just
too [bleep] strong. If there was only a way to ...
I don't know ... sickle their cells or... That's it!
Kiss, get the cell sickler on the phone.
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
♪ I'm in love with chicken wings ♪
♪ them string things ♪
♪ gotta feel that hypertension ♪
♪ tuggin' my heartstrings ♪
♪ and when I'm feelin' good, ♪
♪ start it off with ... ♪
♪ ham hocks and bacon grease ♪
♪ diabetic ... ♪