[title music]
♪ He's Dynamite ♪
♪ So Dynamite ♪
♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪
♪ Ooohhh, ahhhh ♪
♪ He's Dynamite ♪
♪ Dy-no, dy-no ♪
♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪
♪ Oooohhhh ♪
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Bullhorn: This week...
B.D.: It's the first black history month in
blacks' history, a time for us to reflect on how great our
black asses are. But instead, we about to beat
our black asses to death.
[indistinct conversations]
Honey Bee: Man, it is finally great to be black at least one
- time out of the year. - Cream Corn: Yeah, it almost
- feels like being white. - B.D.: Well, Black Dynamite ain't celebrating
his blackness on any month that the white man tells him to.
So for all of February, I refuse to acknowledge one damn great
- thing my people have done. - Good evening, black community!
I am the Reverend Al Sharpton, youth director of
Operation Blackmale and founder of the pre-paid Race Card.
Allow me to tell you why they have paid me to be here today.
Bullhorn: Man, that Reverend Sharpton is sharper than a tack!
He knows how to drop that knowledge while still lookin'
- like a mack! - On behalf of our sponsors
Roscoes, Anaconda Malt Liquor,
and Smokey's BBQ Cigarettes, I present to you
the newest and biggest, blackest member of the black
community, the great Dr. King! [cheers and applause]
B.D.: "Dream achieved?" Is he dreamin' about takin' a shit?
Honey Bee: Mm, he does look a little constipated.
And couldn't they have put a leaf on that thang?
Bullhorn: Man, that's a sight I wish I'd never seen!
A king-size, Martin Luther king ding-a-ling!
I seen tons of ding-a-ling, and that is definitely a ball sack.
- But why is it so big? - Bullhorn: Don't you know
anything about art, you whore?! It's obvious Martin's big-ass nuts
- is just a metaphor! - That's right, brother!
But this statue is about more than metaphorical balls and shitty dreams.
It's about struggle! [crowd cheers]
Honey Bee: So he is constipated.
And unity! So that black and white cheeks
all over the world can come together and
doo-doo for peace, justice, and equality for all!
[crowd cheers]
Give it up for the king and his mighty deuce of unity!
[cheers and applause continue]
Aww, man, Dr. King is shittin' in the same place I was
gonna [bleep]. Move yo ass, Dr. King!
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
B.D.: Black history month had
the black community feeling more historically black
than any month they ever had. But not Black Dynamite.
He's been feelin' like a bad black mother since he came out
- his bad black mother. - Mmm! Mmm!
There's no better way to celebrate the first day of black history
than with a plate of chicken titties and fiddle faddle, a statue
of Dr. King on a white [bleep] and the world
premiere of "Roots" the miniseries at Roscoes.
Cream Corn: "Roots"? What's that, a gardening show?
Bullhorn: No, I think it's about black magic or maybe voodoo!
But how does it tie into Dr. King's statue taking a boo-boo?
[laughs] It's time, y'all! The moment we all been waiting for ...
"Roots" the miniseries! [crowd cheers]
Man, you bull[bleep] man.
They actually showin' "Roots," man, up in here?
Honey Bee: We finally get to learn our history! This is so exciting!
B.D.: Don't get caught up in the past, Honey Bee. Remember,
it ain't where you come from.
It's where you got your dick right now.
[whip cracking] [groaning]
[crowd gasps]
- What the hell? - What's your name, boy?
- Levar Burton! - It's Toby!
Look at that ... ooh ... right there.
- I'm angry now. - Cream Corn: Wait a minute!
Black people were slaves? I thought we were from Cleveland!
I don't know what "Roots" talkin' about
'cause I ain't been a slave to nothin'.
Honey Bee: Hold up. This is some bull[bleep]
I knew we was slaves, but who the [bleep] they
yellin' at like that?! And what's with the whips?!
- I wish an N-word would! - Bullhorn: Now, I'm not saying
I would have willingly picked cotton on my knees!
But at least them mean mother[bleep] could have said please!
Man, if black folks had slaves, we'd be living like white folks, too!
I can't imagine how much money they made selling slaves.
[cash register dings]
That's enough with the whip, mother...
This is an outrage! We got to do something!
B.D.: Okay, okay now, before you get your slavery shackles
in a bunch, we don't even know if this is based on a true story.
Roscoe, check out the TV guide and see what it says.
Okay, Black Dynamite. Let's see.
It says here that "Roots" the miniseries is based on the true
story of blacks being enslaved by white man for 465 years?!
[indistinct shouting]
No way! That can't be true.
Hold on. There's more. The depiction of slavery in this
movie is not at all accurate.
B.D.: Now, see there. Keep goin', Roscoe.
"In fact it was a hell of a lot worse. [indistinct shouting]
There is no way on god's Earth we could
show how bad real slavery was to black folks
'cause they would lose they cotton-pickin' minds?!"
[indistinct shouting]
Honey Bee: I don't know about y'all, but I feel
like whoopin' some ass ... white-cheeks-only ass!
I think the Bible says something like,
"do unto others as they have done unto you!
And an eye for an eye is like a slave for a slave" or something like that.
Brothers and sisters of the black community, as my good-footed
brother James Brown would say,
it is time for the big payback!
[crowd cheers]
♪ I need some get-back! ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'm mad! ♪
- What the hell are you doing?! [shouting] - Hey, sucka, you black or white?
Uh, uh, uh ... that depends on why you're asking?
Okay, okay, let's run it this way. Do you prefer grape juice or
- purple drink? - Uh, uh, grape juice?
I meant drink! Purple drink! Nooo!
"Inside Annie's hall," take sixty-nine!
And action! [groans]
B.D.: Now, I didn't agree with Rev's big
payback as a way to take our 400 years of but Black Dynamite must admit,
It felt kind of good to see "the man" in shackles.
Don't touch me! Let me go!
Get your damn stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!
Hey, what are you doing? I love the show "Good times."
Temporary layoffs!
Now, Bullhorn, I'm puttin' you in charge of
the selling and mastering of all the slaves. You will be my deputy
- overseeing officer overseer. - Bullhorn: Al Sharpton, I'll
work these slaves to the bone and sell 'em by the pound!
So don't worry your pretty perm.
Officer overseer Bullhorn won't let you down! [feedback]
Now, I know you're used to swap meets
that have everything your heart could buy!
But who would ever thunk we'd be hawkin' honkies, 2 for 25!
They sellin' these white boys 2 for 25!
- That's a deal. - Cream Corn: What a bargain, Black Dynamite!
Wait. What? Do they come with the shackles
- or those sold separately? - Is there such thing as a slave layaway?
- Like a "slaveaway"? - Like a slaveaway, yeah.
Honey Bee: Mmm, I think I'm gonna get that little
cute, chubby, bald-headed one right over there.
He got some nice toe -suckin' lips.
B.D.: Somewhere deep inside,
white slavery feels right. But I know it's a wrong right.
And if there is one thing I learned about wrong rights,
is that they never right the wrong.
Bullhorn: First up on the slave block is the smallest, neurotic,
serial-killin', pedophilin' mother[bleep] we got in stock!
Wait. You don't want me! I'm a big-time film director.
- My only talent is making films. - If all he did was make movies,
ain't nobody heard of him, we ought to be able to get him for $10.
Bullhorn: Man, nobody here recognizes yo ass!
Now all I need to know is can you cut grass?!
Maybe when I was a kid, I did it once?
Bullhorn: That's all you had to say, and you ain't got to say no more!
Now there you have it, folks. Who needs a lawnmora!
[indistinct shouting]
No! You don't understand. I'm already a slave! I work in Hollywood!
B.D.: Slavery was in full swing, and the black community
was living life like a 17th-century white man. Even Basehead.
Come on, Coleman. I'm ain't payin' you
nothin' for nothin' now. Where's my base?!
Here it is, your baseheadedness. Shall I find a vein, sir?
Yes, you may, my dear Coleman.
And, Coleman, why am I rubbin' my own nipples?
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
[children laughing]
Bullhorn: Uh-oh! Hell no! Lil orphan Penny,
these slaves ain't for you to be shuckin' and jivin' wit'!
This is our big payback! So you better pick up a whip!
But what about Dr. Martin Luther King's dream of racial equality?
Bullhorn: Reverend Sharpton says Martin Luther King's dream can kick rocks!
From now on, make your cracker slaves pick up yo' mother[bleep] blocks!
Now, there's plenty of whips, so grab you one
and let overseer Bullhorn show you how to do this young!
[whip cracks] What's your name, boy?!
- Timothy Bradley! - No! It's Kunta!
A-and next time you... you gon'
- pick up my [bleep] blocks?! - Okay, he-he... yeah.
B.D.: Little orphan Penny, what kind of
white-oppression "Roots" treachery has taken over you?!
Bullhorn's white-oppression "Roots" treachery took over us, Black Dynamite!
Bullhorn: Reverend al says give a man a slave ...
B.D.: Bullhorn, I don't give a [bleep] what
Al Sharpton says! Whippin' crackers and puttin'
'em in chains is some racist honky [bleep]
Bullhorn: Either my eyes are deceiving me or maybe I'm
just a wee dumb! But it appears to me that B.D. is fightin'
- for the white man's freedom! - Cream Corn: Look, Black Dynamite,
I finally got me some hoes! I mean, it ain't like they had
- a choice, but a hoe is a hoe, right? - B.D.: Why the [bleep]
are they shackled to you? You ain't the slave, Cream Corn!
Cream Corn: Well, you know how pimps always say, "where my bitches at?"
Well, this way I always know where mine are.
I mean, they are a little tight.
That's the price of pimpin', you know what I'm sayin'?
[whimpering]
Honey Bee: Where's my little white sex slave
so I can stomp his ass in the nuts?!
[whimpering continues]
What? Look, ain't nobody say what kind of slave!
If I want to touch a white schalangalang and some nuts,
- that's what I'm gon' do. - B.D.: Hmm.
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
B.D.: Me and Bullhorn are at each other's throats,
the black community is now the man, and Bee has
turned into one white-slave-drivin' dominatrix bitch.
It's startin' to look like Dr. King's big ole unity dump in that
white-cheeks-only toilet was just a big ole unity dump in vain.
All: # Negroes #
♪ threw us honkies in shackles ♪
♪ changed my name from Timmy to Jero-o-o-o-me! ♪
♪ sold us at the swap meet for 2 for 25 ♪
♪ now we're pickin' cotton with a comb ♪
- Not a pick. - All: # Whitey ain't never #
♪ been called so many honkies ♪
♪ blue-eyed devil, cracker, pink to-o-o-es ♪
♪ negroes the word we chose ♪
♪ because we can't say nig... ♪ ♪ N-word ♪
♪ crackers gonna cry when we get ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-me ♪
[groaning]
Oh, damn! Maybe I should let one of my hoes give him mouth to mouth.
She-e-e-et! My hoes ain't puttin they mouth on no mother[bleep] that ain't payin'.
- What's the problem? - I think our slave friend here
- is about to die! - So what's the problem?
Man, all these suckas look like they 'bout two cotton balls
- away from croakin' over. - What's the problem?
[whip cracks]
Bullhorn: Give it to me straight, doc, with no chaser,
no jive! Are all my white slaves gonna die?
Well, of course we're all gonna die.
When's the last time you gave us a tea break, or a latte,
- or a mayonnaise sandwich? - Mayonnaise?
- Ugh. That's disgusting. - You haven't even given us any suntan lotion.
You have to pamper white people if you want us to... [gasps]
want us to... if you want us to live. [groans]
All right, I guess we got to get
these mother[bleep] some mayonnaise.
Bullhorn, give all those slave masters
some money to buy some pamperin'.
Now I got to go. I'm-a be late for my Brazilian scrotum wax.
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
B.D.: For the first time, Black Dynamite felt like
there was nothing he could do to turn his community around.
I guess sometimes you got to let the bad things get
worse before the worst things can get better than bad.
Cream Corn: Man, who would have known white oppression would be such hard work?
Bullhorn: If we can just get some cream cheese and bagels, everything will be just fine.
Look! They got a slavery sale on Manischewitz wine!
B.D.: The community was breakin' their backs to pamper all their white minions.
At this point, I wasn't sure who was workin' for who no more.
I just don't understand why I'm here.
I'm just not cut out for slavery.
And my film! Oh, god, what am I gonna do about my film?
I'm gonna get fired. I got to get out of here!
[pants]
[screams] [thud] [groans]
B.D.: Look what the [bleep] you did to my car!
I'm sorry. I'm just a poor white runaway slave
trying to get back to Hollywood. Please don't hurt me!
B.D.: Hey, aren't you that pedophile-lookin' honky
film director that got sold as a lawn mower on the
- slave block the other day? - Yes. Woody Allen. Please ...
B.D.: Wait. The Woody Allen from the "Play it again, Sam" Woody Allen?
Yep, yep, that's me. Now if you could ...
B.D.: [laughs] Man, I love that movie! You were one clumsy,
weak mother[bleep]. [laughs]
Wait, wait, wait. How did that scene go again?
Remember when the guys came out of the bar and that one dude put
you in a headlock like this?
And ... and ... and he said, "all right, listen, Shorty!"
- Now you go, Woody. - [choking] I-I can't breath!
B.D.: Nah, that's not what you said. It was
something like, "your tattoos are rubbing off my neck."
Yof taftoos oph romuf offamuneph!
B.D.: Yeah, yeah, that was it! [laughs]
Woody mother[bleep] Allen!
Now, why the hell did you run into my car?
Look, it was an accident! I'm just trying to get back home to Hollywood!
B.D.: Hmm. Only because Black Dynamite likes your movies
and he's on the fence about whitey slavery is he even takin'
the time to understand your whitey plight.
[hooves clacking]
Oh, god, they're coming! Please help me.
B.D.: All right, I'll help you, but Black Dynamite don't drive
no Ms. Daisies or Mr. Woodys. Can you dig it?
[whip cracks]
[panting] This is not exactly what I had in mind, Black Dynamite.
B.D.: The key word in "runaway slave" is "run."
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
B.D.: And just when I thought things couldn't get worse,
I thought one more time and then they did.
These turkeys turned Black Dynamite's dojo into
a slave quarters, spa, slavery pampering suite,
whatever it is! They're interrupting my kung fu.
This white slavery [bleep] has officially gone too far.
- Bullhorn?! Honey Bee?! - Honey Bee: Black Dynamite, ooh,
- I'm in here, I'm in here! - B.D.: Honey Bee, I ain't got
- time for hide-n-seek right now. - Honey Bee: Shh!
Now you shush yo' mouth. My white sex slave gon' hear ya now.
- B.D.: What?! - Honey Bee: This mother[bleep]'s in love!
Ohh, he says he wants us to be shackled together,
so I can whip his ass forever!
- He's sick, I's tells ya. He's sick. - B.D.: Honey Bee, do me a favor
while we havin' this conversation. Stop talkin' like a goddamn slave
- and get the [bleep] out the freezer! - Bullhorn: Now, Black Dynamite,
I know you don't believe a word the white man say!
But this runaway slave I caught says you helped him run away!
Honey Bee: Cream Corn, what the hell happened to you?
Cream Corn: I got into a fight with Crenshaw Pete over some suntan lotion.
He might have branded me like a bitch, but guess who got the
- suntan lotion? - Honey Bee: This is ridiculous.
- Look at your ankles ... they're bleeding. - Cream Corn: Yeah, I think I gotta
give my hoes a break 'cause these shackles, they're killin' me.
B.D.: Now, Bullhorn, it's time to put white slavery to an end!
Bullhorn: Black Dynamite, listen to what I say
and make sure you heard what I said!
These are Bullhorn's slaves, top deputy overseer of the world, Craig!
B.D.: Who the [bleep] is Craig? I ain't got time for this [bleep]
Honey Bee, call up the reverend. We need to have a black
community town meeting.
[gavel bangs] [indistinct conversations]
Why is this meeting happening right now? I got too many white slaves that
- need my masterin'. - What's all this about, Black Dynamite?
- I was in the middle of gettin' my hur' did. - B.D.: All right, everybody,
shut the [bleep] up when grown folks is abolishing slavery!
Abolishin'? Bullhorn, what is going on here?
I want you to stop him right now! [grunts]
B.D.: [grunts]
That's it! You are officially fired as deputy overseer officer
overseer of the world!
Not just the community. The world!
B.D.: Now, I know you all thought that white slavery
was the right thing to do after discovering your
roots in a miniseries. But it's destroying this community!
Black Dynamite, don't whoop my ass, but I disagree!
My white lawyer slave here not only help me beat the triple homicide I was facing, but he
also helped me save money on my car insurance. [crowd cheers]
Well, my white slave is worthless!
He don't know how to roll a joint, wash a Cadillac,
cook a pot roast, nothin'! And I got to keep feedin' him
fish eggs and makin' tea all day! I'm with Black Dynamite.
I say we need to end white slavery! [indistinct shouting]
Shut up! Everybody, shut up!
What we need is some democracy up in this bitch!
This allows the citizens of this community to
participate equally by encompassing the damn social,
economic, and cultural conditions that enable
the free and equal practice of political self-determination,
all by having a simple ass vote! [silence]
What?
A Basehead couldn't use to be a political scientist?
Sounds like a plan to me. Okay, by show of hands,
- all those for honky slaves? - Honey Bee: I got 237.
- B.D.: And those for free honkies? - Honey Bee: 237 again.
B.D.: Damn. It's a tie. Now what?
- What about Basehead? He didn't vote. - Hold on. I'm still thinkin'!
Hmm... Coleman is really good at findin' my veins, and he does
- cook my heroin just the way I likes it. - Thank you, sir. I do my best.
But on the other hand, you not really good at stealin' [bleep]
Coleman, and you know I can't afford to pay for my habit so uh...
For that reason alone, I am votin' to end white slavery!
Sorry, Coleman.
[crowd cheering, grumbling]
B.D.: There you have it ... white slavery is
officially abolished. [gavel bangs]
I can't believe it. We're free.
I guess I should be happy, but I'm not. I mean, I thought I wanted
to go back home, but how can I after this traumatizing experience?
Wait! Everyone, listen up! We can't go home.
B.D.: What you talkin' 'bout, Woody Allen?
How the hell are we supposed to function in
white society now, huh? Being a slave for a whole month has
destroyed us psychologically. We have lost all our white self-esteem.
Where's that white arrogance that our ancestors
had when they killed the Indians, huh?
Where's all that ambition that dropped the bomb on Hiroshima? It's gone!
So we can't go back to being ourselves
anymore because we are not ourselves anymore.
I guess we have to find a way to assimilate
ourselves into the black community until we can
build up the self-confidence to steal it,
'cause we damn sure can't go back to Beverly Hills
or Beverly Hills adjacent. We would be a shame to our whole race.
[cheers, applause]
So, what do you say, white folks?
Let's go get us some Roscoes! [crowd cheers]
B.D.: And assimilate their white asses they did. They were driving Cadillacs,
pimpin', hustlin;, wearing afros. They even put their mouths on
our water fountains, and that's just nasty. I guess they
wanted equal rights, but the black community just ain't
the black community without the community being black.
- Hm. - Hm.
B.D.: Roscoe, what's up with our seats,
and why are all the black people outside?
I'm sorry, Black Dynamite, but I'm afraid they had reservations.
See, that's what white folks do when they go out to eat.
- And did you know they had a thing called "tips"? - B.D.: Well, here's a tip for them.
An ass in Black Dynamite's seat, no matter what color it is,
is an ass in Black Dynamite's seat.
We have just as much right to eat here as you do,
Black Dynamite, and we deserve to be treated like black people.
♪ White shall overcome blacks! ♪
♪ white shall over... ♪ [crowd cheers]
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
Bullhorn: Black Dynamite, you were right for bringing slavery
to an end. I should have stuck by you and been a better friend.
But now I know following al Sharpton was dumb,
'cause I sure wish these peckerwoods would go back
- from where they come. - B.D.: It's perfectly normal to feel
like putting white people in shackles sometimes, Bullhorn, but
remember, vengeance ain't always as sweet as it tastes.
Honey Bee: Uh-oh. You might want to slow down, Black Dynamite.
Cracker rights freedom fighters, 12:00.
[chanting] Being white is also right! Being white is also right!
We, the white folks of the black community, are not moving
our cheeks from this here monument until we receive reparations!
- That's right! Stick it to the Mayne! - Bullhorn: [bleep]
Reverend Al done flipped the script. Al Sharpton, unless you went
color-blind, you got some 'splainin' to do about these white-power signs.
Racial inequality does not have a color, brother,
but it does have a price, so the only
- signs I see are green dollar signs. - Man, get your white asses off
our King and take them back to Beverly Hills and Beverly Hills adjacent!
We didn't land on this black community! This black community landed on us!
[all shouting]
B.D.: Everybody, stop, stop!
So, here we are, in the same freeze frame we started with. Bullhorn
is about to kill Al Sharpton, and the black community is about
to spray white civil-rights fighters with hoses.
This is some weird-ass, heavy [bleep]
and there was only one way to stop it.
Suey!
- What the hell are you doing, Black Dynamite? - B.D.: The same thing you're doing.
No, I'm just beating up a white slave fighting for racial equality.
You're destroying a monument that is a symbol of
- our struggle for freedom. - B.D.: You all need to wake up.
Look at yourselves, black community.
If Dr. King was here to see this, he would shit a brick.
Now, we can't beat the man by being the man, and, white
people, don't let Al Sharpton get your ass whupped.
so before things get any worse and somebody touches my car,
causing me to [bleep] up everybody, I suggest we pretend
none of this ever happened and go back
- to the way things were. - We're sorry, negroes.
- What do we have to do? - So, does that mean I have to go back home?
B.D.: Well, as for you, Woody Allen, you don't have to go home.
- I don't? - B.D.: Nah.
But you got to get the [bleep] out of here.
[farting]
Dream achieved!
Thank you, Dr. King. [sniffs] Somebody got some incense?
'Cause it don't smell right. [coughs] I'm blind! I'm blind!
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
[farts]
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~