You two have got a legitimate claim
and need to exercise your legal rights.
And you've come to the right place.
That's right, Peter, because here at Infeld, Daniels,
Franklin and Bash, we won't rest
until you've gotten full satisfaction under the law.
We are all about satisfaction.
That's right, Peter.
And with our crack staff of lawyers
working 'round the clock...
Actually, "lawyers on crack"
would be better than the two of you.
Cut.
Cut. Oh, I'm sorry. Were you rolling?
That was the best one for me. Can you edit that?
I can't work like this. Can't do it.
What is this? You little video
for the Chive's cheesiest lawyer of the year thing?
It's the hottest.
And it's not only 'cause we are hot...
And so are our clients.
But because we always win.
Foreign concept to you, we know.
The Chive?
It's an awesome website, sir.
Oh, wonderful.
- Is anyone doing any work around here? - I am.
Actually, I could use some help on the Andrews' class action.
Hope you find it.
Not you.
You two,
I have new clients
with a fascinating case
in the conference room.
Let me film you guys with them.
You know, I'll get something real.
It'll be good for the Chive. A-and the firm.
All right, fellini.
You guys, we'll be back.
You can take 5 or 10 or...
It's been our dream to buy an old hotel, rehab it.
We worked for 20 years as high-school teachers,
saved everything until we found the perfect place downtown,
the Heathbrooke?
We ran into problems during renovation...
Had to scrap everything.
After we ran out of money.
We're filing for bankruptcy.
Well, that's, uh...
That's a little out of our wheelhouse.
The... place is haunted.
H-ha-haunted? Like...?
Ghosts. Yes.
And... back in our wheelhouse.
We know how ridiculous this sounds.
We don't believe in ghosts.
Or we didn't until...
things started happening.
- Things? What kind of things? - Okay. Easy, buddy.
Well, we spent a ton of money
painting the inside of the house.
The next time we came back,
all the walls had been repainted with strange figures...
Red.
Graffiti? Well, that's what we thought,
but the house was locked. No one in,
- no one out. - Aw, man.
Then the voices coming from nowhere.
Electronic voice phenomena. That's a classic sign of...
Dan. Why... why don't you just film?
Uh, any other phenomena?
- Cold spots. - Mm.
Unexplained smells.
Sulfuric.
Contractors stopped wanting the project.
Next thing we knew, we were broke.
We can get you your money back.
- No, we can't. - Does the property have
a proven history of being psychologically affected?
"Psychologically affected"?
Something violent like a murder or a grisly death happens
and the seller knows, they have to disclose it.
We bought from Freddie Silmas.
Big real-estate developer.
Never told us anything about a history.
Uh, excuse me.
Can I have a moment with you?
Uh...
Yes.
We're not taking this.
I'm exercising veto power.
Dude! What the hell?
You were about to get hysterical.
I don't get hysterical.
You heard them. Come on.
They lost everything.
Silmas has deep pockets.
They need our help.
I'm not going in the hotel.
Fine.
Fine. That hurt.
That hurt me to do it.
Delete that.
Not happening.
Synced by emmasan www.addic7ed.com
Hi, guys!
Who's our favorite law clerk?
I don't know. Who?
You, Bonnie. Get in here.
Bonnie.
- How are you? - Hi.
What happened to you?
Yeah, we would've hired you if you passed the bar.
- Did you pass the bar? - Yes. I'm a lawyer.
- You're a lawyer. - Wow!
We should take you to lunch.
Oh, sorry. I'm here on business.
You are here on business.
Look at you.
Uh, if it's okay...
I know it's okay...
I'm with Danforth-Watkins.
That's a top-10 law firm.
Yeah, we're holding steady at 94.
Yeah. We slid 71 slots, but then we stabilized.
We represent Freddie Silmas.
Freddie Silmas,
who pawned off a haunted house on our unsuspecting clients.
Now we're gonna feel crappy about kicking your butt.
Sorry.
Ah, don't be sorry. As much as we love you...
You love me?
From this moment forward, consider us the enemy.
Mm. Enemies in court, friends outside of court?
Consider us frenemies.
Okay. I got to go.
Ooh! Almost forgot.
Interrogatories...
And first round of admissions.
I'll have the rest messengered over this afternoon.
It's just such an honor to be working with the two guys
who are responsible for me becoming a lawyer.
Uh. That's...
All grown up. Where does the time go?
Answering interrogatories. Geez.
What the...? Mundy?!
Hey. Oh, careful. Careful with my boxes.
Well, don't leave them by the front door.
What is this?
Your lawyer friend's office
sent over some of Silmas' records.
- Anything good? - Too early to tell.
- Hey, if you're headed to the kitchen... - I'm not.
Grab a brother a grapefruit.
Yeah, fine. You want me to, uh, section it for you, too?
Hungry?!
Geez!
Gotcha!
I'll section it myself.
That's funny. That's real funny.
Shut up.
I'm calling a moratorium on scaring.
You can call all you want.
Dude.
I am desensitizing you to being scared.
Dan, what have you got?
I just met with the P.I.G. people.
'Course you did.
Paranormal investigation group...
P.I.G. They're sending a team to check out the Heathbrooke.
Good. And you should do a background check for a history of violence...
murder, suicides, anything on the house.
Occult, ritualistic cannibalism.
Oh, I hate this case.
We'll go see Silmas.
Silmas is willing to talk to you?
Yeah. Just doesn't know it yet.
Hey.
You didn't respond to my e-mail about the Andrews case.
Oh, uh, sorry. I've been very busy.
It was not a request.
You're a junior partner,
and I am a significantly senior partner.
You're gonna be here late.
Fine.
I have my moot court reunion,
but I've been looking for a reason not to go.
Oh, no, no, no. You can't miss that.
Moot court is awesome.
We'll just swing by for a drink.
I don't want to work on your class action,
and I don't want to go to my reunion,
and now I'm doing both?
Oh, it's crazy how that happened.
Why don't you want to go?
Cheryl Koch.
She was my best friend in law school
until she stabbed me in the back during the finals.
That was like five years ago.
Yes, but we were talking about the woman
that invented the bitchy resting face.
Whoa. Ooh.
Nothing like a weekday morning at the range.
Yeah.
Talk to Swatello?
Not outside of work.
You miss her?
Dude, come on. I'm driving.
- Ah, nice drive. - Why, thank you.
All right, I hit this 250 yards on the fly,
you have to adhere to the no-scare moratorium.
- Adhere? - Adhere.
Fine.
Whoo!
Yes!
Never shook on it.
- Are you kidding me? - We never shook on it.
- Don't be like that. - I'm just saying.
Uh, there's Silmas.
Hey.
Freddie Silmas.
Wow, you look even better in person
than you do on your bus benches.
Wow. Much better.
You know, wee ne well with benches, too.
Franklin and Bash...
"We've got your back."
Okay, I'm here just to hit a few before a meeting, so...
Oh.
She just wants to hit a few.
Of course. Sorry. Sorry.
One question, though.
Property... The Heathbrooke downtown.
Does that ring a bell?
Yeah, it rings a bell.
Look at that "eff you" look.
She's got that "eff you" look down cold.
Apparently not.
Let me tell you something
before security kicks your non-member asses out.
You're not a member?
I thought you were a member.
- This is embarrassing. - I didn't get where I am
by buying back things for what I paid for them.
You think I did something wrong at your haunted mansion?
I didn't say anything about a haunted mansion.
Did you say anything about a haunted mansion?
It was all her.
You want to come after me? Fine.
I'll have my people bury you under so much paperwork,
you'll be crapping confetti for a week.
Sounds like a party.
They'll show you out...
Counselors.
Hi, guys. You guys are our caddies?
- Great. I'm warmed up. - Oh, that's awesome.
- All right, let's do this. - Should we hit the course?
You ready? Keep your head down.
Oh... Oh, sorry.
Again, in the back swing.
- He can't help himself. - Sorry.
Boys!
Oh, geez!
Will you stop it?
Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.
Phasmophobia... fear of ghosts.
You know, I once ran a seance
trying to raise the spirit of my great grandfather, Xerxes.
Any luck?
Sadly, no.
But I did spend a very satisfying weekend
with my second cousin, Delilah Infeld.
- And we should leave it at that. - Yeah.
Well, thanks to your new case
and partially due to other factors,
I have renewed my interest in the supernatural.
What awaits us on the other side?
What other factors?
Devote whatever resources you want to the Parkers' case.
They deserve it.
And keep me informed
of any developments on the supernatural.
Ah!
You really are a son of a...
Does this dress make me look...
You need to chill out.
Chubbier than... Here. Start drinking.
Here. Fine. Thank you.
You know, maybe she's not coming.
Or maybe she's dead.
No. Not that I would wish that on anyone.
I'm just saying, maybe she's...
Just keep drinking. Keep drinking.
Mm.
No, no. She's alive, and she's with the Dean.
Ugh. Teacher's pet?
More than teacher's pet.
More like a marsupial that crawled up his ass.
I don't think you understand how marsupials work.
There's a pouch.
Hi!
Wow.
I was hoping you'd come.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Wonderful of you to make it, uh...
A-A-Anita.
Anita Haskins?
You wrote my recommendation letter to Hartman-Frank.
Oh. How nice of me.
Well, it wouldn't be a reunion without you here, Angela.
Dean Casseday, Damien Karp.
I've, uh... I've seen your, uh, humor column
in the American Society of Arbitration.
Oh, yes.
What's the difference between,
um... between a mediator and a cowboy?
Um... I don't know.
A cowboy doesn't have to put up with as much bullshit?
Oh. Guess you've heard that one.
Is th... Is this your guy?
- Actually, uh, we are work colleagues. - Mm-hmm.
So where can I get a vodka Martini around here?
All right, now you're talking.
- Let's hit the bar. - Lead the way, young man.
Lead the way. What can I get you, Cheryl?
Oh, I have cardio box in the morning,
and my trainer would kill me if I showed up dehydrated.
Cardio box.
Uh, just get me a Martini, too... a double.
- Sounds good. - Ah, Anita,
I so admire your choice in horizontal stripes.
Oh, oh, t-thank you.
I mean, they make most women look a lot heavier.
Not that you have to worry about that.
Mnh-mnh. No. Mnh-mnh. No.
But, you know, can't be too careful.
Ooh!
That would be the difference between a ghost and a demon.
Oh, I don't care about...
Hey, what's new with the case?
I struck out with P.I.G.
They're investigating an apparition in Bavaria,
but Lisa's a certified tracker.
Dibs, by the way.
- What? - Dibs. On Lisa.
Come on. Come on.
Lisa, meet Jared and Peter, the guys I told you about.
You work for Dan?
Great boss.
- Okay, yeah. - Yeah.
I checked the Heathbrooke.
It's hot. We're talking amityville levels.
I walked the house using a full-spectrum camera
and microphones with an XHQ setting.
Extreme high quality. Impressive.
Raise a hand when you hear something.
There's nothing yet.
That time I heard something.
Will you stop?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm out. I'm out.
Come on.
Okay, what the hell?
Told you.
Lisa's the real deal holyfield.
Okay, Silmas' people are gonna have this analyzed,
- so if this is a fake... - It's real.
We cut as much ambient sound
as we could.
Listen again.
Sounded like "Super Fly."
Why would a ghost say "Super Fly"?
'Cause it's an awesome movie and an even better soundtrack.
I sent it to my boyfriend Jacques for further analysis.
Sorry, buddy.
He thinks it's a warning.
"Trepidation."
- Peter. - Yeah?
I'm not saying it's real,
but if we can get Lisa to play that for the jury,
get them as scared as you are.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds good.
Okay...
First lesson... always be prepared.
How long you spend setting that up?
Six hours.
You know what I'm gonna say, and you're not gonna like it.
No. No, no, no. No way.
If we want to enter Lisa's video,
we have to see for ourselves.
We're going to the house.
Tonight.
Hope I didn't alarm you.
I've stared down the black monk of pontefract.
I can handle a krag bolo bowie knife.
You know your steel. I like that.
I do like that one. Thanks, Dean.
Just a colleague, huh?
Uh, well, I have to maintain my reputation at the firm.
Oh, classic Anita.
Always armed with the perfect excuse to stay single.
Well, you would know.
No one knows more about marriages than you, right?
How many is it now? Three?
And a mediator is always on thin ice, you see?
Oh.
Oh, wow. They have a chocolate fountain.
We should investigate that.
Oh, you should go ahead, Anita.
I know you can't resist.
You know what? That's it.
Let's go.
- I'm... I'm sorry. Go where? - Mm-hmm. You know what?
Friends do not screw each other over
and then pretend like it didn't happen.
Oh, you're not still angry about that, are you?
The only reason that you beat me is because you stole my research.
You don't win moot court because of research.
- It's how you argue it. - Ladies, ladies.
This isn't the proper forum
for any argument right now.
No, Dean. It's okay. We're not arguing.
If we were arguing, I woul already won.
Right, Anita?
You robbed me, and everybody here knows it.
I don't understand what you're getting so upset about.
- Oh, you don't? - No.
But, really, you shouldn't make that face.
Your forehead.
My face? My face?
I'm gonna turn your bitchy resting face
into a bitchy rest-in-peace face.
Okay, okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Easy, easy, okay? - Hey, hey.
Let's go to our safe zones. Safe zones.
All right.
You know, I think there's a better way to solve this.
In the spirit of this wonderful moot court reunion,
I suggest that we retry
Wilmington V. Broadview, was it?
Yes, yes. A grudge match.
We'll, uh, settle settle the score once and for all.
I'm in.
Anytime, anyplace.
Moot-moot court it is.
Yeah, so I-I'll meet you guy's out here.
Yeah.
Good.
More mobility for me and Jared.
We remain tied together in case the house is a portal
and the camera may be the only thing
that we leave behind for them to find us.
- A portal? - Yep.
To another dimension or to hell.
Right. I've seen "Poltergeist."
Area 51, man. I've seen the proof.
Dude, that's aliens.
Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.
I'll pass on the rope.
Well, suit yourself.
Aw, man.
You scared?
No.
Are you sure?
Stop. That's not me.
Smells like sulfur.
It's the smell of evil.
Shh.
I don't hear anything.
Stop breathing.
I'll die.
Hold your breath.
Rats. T-that's probably just rats.
This place probably has a lot of rats.
Maybe we should get out of here.
To get away from the rats?
Okay.
Yeah, 'cause of the rats.
Okay, the matter of Tom and Denise Parker, I've read...
Can you say that again, Your Honor?
Sorry. Just reloading.
Dude, shut up.
Ms. Appel, if you have any objection
to these proceedings being filmed,
I'd entertain them.
We are confident that a public hearing
will demonstrate Ms. Silmas' sterling business record.
Gentlemen, what's your pleasure?
Thank you, Your Honor.
We call to the stand
our paranormal expert Lisa Englender.
She's going to exhibit...
Uh, we object.
I object.
Calm down. You're doing great.
Thanks. I'm a little nervous.
The basis of your objection?
Uh... under the Kelly-fry cases,
in order for an expert to testify,
they have to be qualified in an accepted field of science.
Ghost hunting is not one.
That's what they said about gravity, Your Honor,
till Galileo got hit in the head with the apple.
Louis Pasteur wouldn't have been stoned to death
for inventing milk.
There is so much wrong with that,
I'm not sure where to start.
How long do we have to listen to this sideshow?
Sideshow? How dare you?
And just for the record,
sideshows are an American pastime
dating all the way back...
Do you want to be the first judge
to allow ghosts in court?
No.
Ms. Englender's testimony won't be allowed.
We'll recess until tomorrow,
at which time, I'll expect to hear testimony
of a non-supernatural nature.
Uh, and... sorry. Just one more thing.
Another?
Peter uh, Mr. Bash
and Franklin approached my client
directly after they knew she had a lawyer, me.
All right, this whole "babe in the woods" thing's
- starting to get old. - Yeah.
Violation of rule of court 47.
Your Honor, we were just hitting golf balls.
At a private club.
I got this, Ms. Silmas.
I'm ordering sanctions in the amount of $2,500 each.
We're now in recess.
Sorry.
Can I borrow 2,500 bucks?
It's not over.
But you said that if the jury saw the tape, we'd win.
It'll be fine, honey.
Hey, we've found Irina kruskal.
She's the woman that sold the property to Silmas in the '90s.
And hopefully she said something to Silmas
about the haunted history of the house.
This could be good news, guys.
Hang in there.
What do you want?
Hi. Dan Mundy... P.I. I called earlier.
Come on in.
Pungent.
Sangerete. Pig's blood pudding.
I wanted to talk to you about the Heathbrooke.
There's a word my grandmother used to say...
Amriya... "Cursed."
You sold to Freddie Silmas in 1996, correct?
Oh. You're looking for Irina Lottye Kruskal.
I am Irina Tanya.
Lottye is my grandmother.
She sold the Heathbrooke, but she's, um, moved on.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Did she ever talk about her dealings with Silmas?
Silmas said she wasn't afraid of ghosts.
Ghosts...
Should be afraid of her.
Sounds like something Silmas would say.
Our investigator's report,
the granddaughter told him,
and I'm quoting,
"one night, granny told me,
"after an extra glass of absinthe,
"something horrible happened summer of '27.
Then she passed out."
"Passed out." Is that part of the quote,
or did the granddaughter
actually pass out in front of Mundy?
Unclear.
So this is good news.
Silmas knew about the haunting?
We just can't use it in court.
Irina Lottye's dead.
Without her, it's hearsay.
This whole thing was my idea.
Hey, it was our idea.
We're gonna find jobs.
We're gonna be okay.
Guys, this is just round one.
It's more like round 7, but it's a 15-round fight.
Our investigator got this journal from Irina Tanya.
It looks old.
She just gave it to him?
He got it from her. Let's just leave it at that.
No, I told him. Stealing journals from gypsies?
I mean, come on, dude.
You think it's cursed? Yeah, I do think it's...
- I curse you. - Knock it off.
Take it back.
What language is this?
Romany... gypsy.
Irina T. doesn't know who it belongs to,
so we have to get it translated.
Do you know someone who speaks gypsy?
As a matter of fact, we do.
Ah.
- Uh, listen, I finished this translation. - Great.
And by the way, where did you learn Romany?
I'm half gypsy on my mother's side.
Whose journal was it?
It doesn't say.
She was a 10-year-old child,
loved licorice, wrote about it incessantly.
Thunderingly dull read.
Anything about someone getting killed there?
Anything violent?
No. Nothing like that.
Oh, there were a few missing pages
from the summer of 1927.
That's when Irina T.'s grandmother
said something horrible happened.
Anything more of a supernatural nature
that you might have encountered?
You know as much as we do.
Sir, do you mind if we ask
about your sudden interest in the afterlife?
No, I don't mind at all.
Oh. Okay.
Ahh.
Oh.
Hey, dude, where's Mundy?
He's running down Lottye's death certificate...
See if we can get around the hearsay ruling.
Ah, get her testimony in as a dying declaration.
- Mm-hmm. - I like it.
Kind of like you like Bonnie.
What? I don't like Bonnie.
Why are we talking about Bonnie?
'Cause she's here.
Hey, Bonnie!
Hi, guys.
What are you doing here?
Uh, I wanted to talk to...
What are you doing?
Nothing. We're just prepping for tomorrow
'cause someone kicked our butts in court today.
Well, great place.
You want to take a tour?
I think you can see Saturn tonight.
Absolutely.
Smooth.
Give Bonnie a tour.
After you. Thank you.
Amazing.
Remember, you guys have a curfew!
Shut up, dad!
That's adorable.
One last piece of lawyerly advice.
I'm not sure you need it, but shoot.
How do you handle it when...
you represent someone you don't really like,
who you know is wrong?
Talking about Freddie Silmas.
I compartmentalize.
You know, push it aside, do my job.
I feel like crap afterwards,
so usually I do something stupid
that I end up regretting later.
That works for you?
Almost never.
So, you're seeing that lawyer at your firm, Ellen Swatello?
Not anymore.
How come?
Just... making sure that you are not compartmentalizing.
So, Saturn is the third star...
You have no idea where it is, do you?
I don't even know if it's a star.
I think it's a planet.
Can I get you another drink?
Uh, I should probably get going.
Right.
See you in court?
Absolutely.
Take your seats, please, everybody.
Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
Welcome to the retrial of moot court 2009,
and I'm very happy to say that this year's winner
will win a signed edition of my legal briefs.
Legal briefs.
Anyway, let me introduce
my co-judge for this evening, Mr. Damien Karp.
You didn't have to wear a robe.
Oh, it was no trouble whatsoever.
Apparently not.
Uh, we will be arguing a new topic today.
Oh.
We... we researched Wilmington v. Broadfield.
You afraid to think on your feet?
Oh, I can win this in my sleep.
Then it's agreed.
The law recognizes privilege
between doctor and patient or spouse,
but should the confidence between one's closest friend
also be deemed privileged?
Anita Haskins will argue the affirmative.
Cheryl Koch, the negative.
Ms. Haskins?
We tell our deepest secrets to our closest friends,
and I contend that that alone warrants special privilege.
Friendship is too broad a concept to constrain it all,
especially between closest friends who work together,
get crazy on spring break together,
share makeup and clothes and guys,
and expect nothing in return.
You know, you might require said co-workers
to actually be nice to one another.
Which would discriminate against those content not to be nice.
And what if the friendship is one-sided?
Would this magical new law require reciprocation?
No, just a conscience.
And if you agree with her,
there's a chance you have no real friends.
Next question.
Oh, just got an e-mail from Bonnie.
She's gonna file a motion
to exclude any testimony from Irina.
What?
Says "no hearsay exemptions apply,"
including dying declarations.
How did she even know we were gonna call Irina as a witness?
It's like she's anticipating our moves.
She got a copy of our playbook.
You were hanging out with her earlier.
Come on. You serious?
If you didn't tell her,
who's feeding her information?
Maybe she's just kicking our butts fair and square.
Come on. Us?
Let's get back to work.
Hey.
Can we get over this?
Can you admit that you stole my research?
Look, you cemented your clerkship already.
I didn't think it mattered to you.
So you're saying that you couldn't have beat me
without my research.
I mean, if that's the way you want to hear it.
We have a winner.
We have arrived at a verdict.
No... no need.
I forfeit.
I miss the privilege of our friendship.
Oh. What? No!
Okay, you do not get off that easy.
What... what do you mean?
I quit. You win. You win!
No. I win because I won.
All right? Okay?
So, who won?
My God.
Moot court is adjourned.
Hey, Dan.
What's going on?
Good news.
Silmas sent us so much paperwork,
it'd take 20 paralegals a month to break it down.
How's that good news?
You've got me.
There's nothing here about the Heathbrooke.
But from these seemingly useless documents,
a pattern about other deals Silmas has done before.
Now, you wanted the haunted house?
This gets it for you.
This is good.
With this, if we can't bring the ghost to court...
Then we bring the court to the ghost.
So, Ms. Silmas, you never heard anything
about the Heathbrooke being haunted?
Not until I was sued two years after I sold it to the Parkers.
Bullshit.
I know what a tough business real estate is.
I've made my share of mistakes.
But you have to have the integrity to live with them.
And not look for rich scapegoats.
Objection. Argumentative.
Withdrawn. Nothing further.
Ms. Silmas, you mentioned integrity as if...
Well, as if you had it.
I do.
Objection.
Withdrawn.
In your business, you're totally transparent.
Like a ghost.
Mr. Bash.
Sorry, Your Honor.
Forget about ghosts.
Let's talk about a property you bought in Riverside,
the Oakhurst project.
Objection.
What does that have to do with the Heathbrooke?
Considering it was part of a mountain of discovery
Ms. Appel tried to bury us with,
I think we're entitled to a little leeway.
Overruled. You may continue.
I remember the Oakhurst project.
So you know that it was stopped because of a foul smell.
Faulty pipes.
There was no smell like that at the Heathbrooke.
- You're sure? - Positive.
In that case, Your Honor,
we'd ask for a jury field trip to the haunted...
To the Heathbrooke.
Objection.
This is just an end-around to try to trick the jury.
Wow. We think the jury is way too smart to be tricked.
I mean, apparently opposing counsel
doesn't have as high an opinion as we do.
Uh, n... I... like the jury... a lot.
Your Honor, we're not requesting the field trip
to prove the existence of ghosts.
No, Ms. Silmas said herself
there's no smell at the Heathbrooke.
We think that the jury has a right
to experience that for themselves.
Yes.
And Ms. Appel had evidence excluded
on grounds of hearsay.
There's no such thing as a hearsmell objection.
Or is it smellsay?
Smellsay. I like that better.
Well, whatever it is, request for jury field trip granted.
- We're in recess. - Thank you, Your Honor.
Ready to go back to the Heathbrooke?
Okay if I bring a date?
As you know, we're not allowed
to say that the Heathbrooke is haunted.
Yes, but once inside, you may see things.
You... you may hear them.
You may even feel them to the very core...
I said you could give a brief introduction.
This is turning into a campfire story.
Like "The Hook."
You ever heard that one? I love that story.
When the killer's hook is on the door handle...
I don't want to spoil it for you.
I meant "turning into a campfire story" in a bad way.
Copy that.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Heathbrooke.
Yeah.
Good luck.
Watch your step.
Okay.
- Watch your souls. - Yeah.
All right, I'll meet you out here afterwards.
Uh-huh. Whoa, dude, you got to come inside.
No, no, no. No, no.
When we took the case, you said that...
I lied.
Gentlemen, I am 10 seconds away
from calling off this field trip.
We are right behind you, Your Honor.
Come on. Come on.
You smell that, don't you?
The smell of evil?
I was gonna say the smell of victory.
Yes. Mine.
Well, whatever happens,
it's been fun going up against you.
It has.
In fact,
I was thinking of maybe asking you out.
Well, don't think about it too long.
Just do what feels right.
Okay.
Will you go out with me?
No.
I'm kidding. I'd love to.
What the hell's going on?!
All right, field trip's over.
Uh, Your Honor...
I'm not interested in...
Excuse me, Your Honor.
Holy crap!
All right, everybody, don't panic.
Ma'am?
I-is she real?
The fact that Judge Perry, a reasoned man, had to ask
tells you all you need to know about this accursed place.
She's real. She's our final witness.
She's the woman Ms. Silmas bought the Heathbrooke from,
Irina Lottye Kruskel.
I thought you said she was dead.
Yeah, well, apparently when her granddaughter
said she had moved on,
she meant that she bought a year-long berth
on the Rosie O'Donnell cruise line.
Yeah, we found her yesterday.
We flew her in from Anguilla last night.
Ma'am...
Do you understand what's going on here?
What?
I'm here to say what I told that little moosh over there
when I showed her the Heathbrooke.
She's also here to tell us how the place became haunted
in the summer of 1927.
She can't testify to what someone else told her...
More hearsay.
No one told me.
I was there!
She was there.
It was 1927.
I was 10 years old.
Which would make you...?
You do the math, junior.
Ilona was your best friend,
and you were supposed to take the trolley that day
with her to the beach.
Did you go?
No.
Uh, ilona did. She...
Fell off the trolley.
They brought her to my house.
My... my father was a doctor.
There was no time to take her to the hospital.
You wrote about that in your journal?
Yes.
And you tore the pages out?
I didn't.
Ilona did.
Or her ghost did.
Oh, God.
Objection.
Overruled.
Do you remember the instruments
your father used to try to save Ilona?
She used his trepanning saw.
Trepanning. Trepan...
That's what the voice was saying!
Sounds like "trepidation."
One more outburst, gentlemen...
Oh, I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I'm just a little fright... frightened.
I think the jury is, as well.
Your Honor, I have here a certified copy
of the death certificate for Ilona Maksimovich.
August 23, 1927.
'27.
Site of death, the Heathbrooke Hotel.
All right. Okay. I've heard enough.
Thank you for your testimony, ma'am.
Oh, you're welcome.
If I were you,
I'd have a serious conversation with my client, Ms. Appel.
Yes, Your Honor.
Oh, wow.
- That went well. - Yeah.
My client is pretty unhappy with me. Sorry.
I'm not.
- Can we get this over with? - Yeah, depends.
Did you bring your checkbook?
My client is prepared to pay back the full purchase price,
as well as the Parkers' expenses and your fee.
Plus you have to pay to fly Irina
back to her cruise ship first class.
Draw up the paperwork.
- One more provision. - What's that?
We'd like to keep the house for one more night.
Fine.
But I'll need a cleaning deposit.
You know what? You looked up a little early.
I did. Yeah. That's why it went to the left.
Yeah, I know.
Excuse us, ladies.
You guys did it.
Hey, hey.
W-we don't know how to thank you.
Well, take the money, find an unhaunted place,
- and follow your dreams. - We will.
And in the meantime, it is a party,
so enjoy yourselves.
- Enjoy. - We'll do that, too.
All right.
Whoa, whoa. Dude.
That's the founder of the Chive.
Wait a minute. I thought we didn't win the hottest lawyer.
Maybe there was a recount.
No way.
John Resig!
Franklin and Bash.
Welcome to the party!
He even recognized us.
You are forgiven for the mix-up with the voting,
and we appreciate...
There was no mix-up,
but you guys were great.
We followed the haunted-house case,
and there was no way we were gonna miss this party.
You've given our party the Chive seal of approval.
Wow!
Dude, we were totally thinking, what about a...
Like, a legal blog on your site, right?
Yeah, that'd be amazing.
It's a party.
Yeah.
- It was his idea. - That's what I told him.
It was a lame idea.
I said, "what you shouldn't do is a legal blog."
Please, enjoy yourselves.
Enjoy yourself, guys. Go.
Mind the gap.
Make some room for them.
- And you enjoy. - Make some room.
You enjoy.
I lost moot court ain?
I told you it was better if you didn't know the ruling.
Yes, but I deserved to win this time.
Well, then that's all that matters.
No, what matters is that you were going to rule against me.
I was a judge. I had to stay unbiased.
- Mm-hmm. - But you did win something.
I'm gonna turn your bitchy resting face
into a bitchy rest-in-peace face.
Eloquence and brains plus passion equals hot.
Congratulations.
You are the Chive's hottest lawyer of the year.
Yeah, she is!
I am so flattered!
- Damien, did you submit me? - I did.
Oh.
Oh, I am so posting this to Cheryl's Facebook page.
All right, don't go crazy.
I just couldn't let Bash and Franklin win.
S-so, John, d-d-did we crack the top 10, at least?
We don't take team submissions.
Ah.
Yeah. Well, keep calm and Chive on.
Peter, where's Jared?
He invited me to this crack house.
Uh, he's busy with Bonnie.
Oh, opposing counsel.
Sleeping with the enemy.
Well, I wouldn't want to interrupt that.
Listen, I wanted to tell you
that, uh, I've got some pressing engagements.
I'm going to be out of town for a while.
Okay. We'll hold the fort down.
How long you gonna be gone for?
Well, that depends, my friend.
It depends.
Okay, now I officially have nothing left to teach you.
Maybe there are a few things that I could teach you.
I have no doubt.
Another time.
I better go, make sure I still have a job.
Right. I'll call you.
You better.
Goodnight, Peter.
Goodnight, Bonnie.
Well, well.
Yep. Look at you.
She doesn't abuse me like Swatello.
She's just... good.
Which is why I give it one week.
You saying I only like crazy women?
I'm saying you're the one who's crazy.
I'm crazy? You're... I'm not the one who's afraid of ghosts.
Hey, look, a healthy dose of fear never hurt anybody, okay?
Peter, I will smack you in the face.
- Look who's all puffed up. - I will slap you in the brain.
How much footage is left?
18 hours. Shh!
Isn't Jacques going to miss you?
Jacques doesn't own me.
No man should. You're a wild stallion.
Stallions are male, but I get the idea.
Have you ever had sex in a haunted house?
Is that a rhetorical question?
Because I don't do well with rhetorical que...