MS BARON: So, Mr Barber, we've had a complaint from Miss, um... Ripped By mstoll
I think you know my name by now. I have been here over a year.
No, I don't think I do.
Well, why don't you just call me anything you like?
Hm? Er... why not call me Miss Chakrabarti?
Right, so, Miss Chakrabarti...
- Postern. - Well, why did you say
- your name was Chakrabarti? - Well, look,
it doesn't really matter right now, does it?
Anyway, this woman here, whatever her name is -
Postern, Chakrabarti, we'll never know -
has been telling tales on you.
No, that's not actually true, Gareth.
I was just very concerned about your welfare.
So concerned, she dropped you in it.
- What am I supposed to have done now? - Just...
be honest, please, Gareth.
- Have you been sleeping in my classroom? - Like a dirty vagrant.
Miss Chakrabarti's words, not mine.
No! No, no. I promise you, I'm back on my feet now.
I've just got the caravan back from the bailiffs.
Well, then, why did I find this on top of my store cupboard?
- How do you know it's mine? - Because it says, '"Mr Barber's box'".
That doesn't mean I've been bedding down there the last fortnight.
Toothbrush.
- Underpants. Triple-extra-extra-large. - Oh, God, no!
Camping stove.
What would I do with that?
- Tin of all-day breakfast in a can. - Oh, rumbled.
Packet of wet wipes.
As though I'd use those instead of having a bath. Ha!
And finally, a specialist magazine entitled Hot Mature Babes.
I only read that for the articles.
There aren't any articles, cos I had a quick flick through.
Do they accept readers' photographs?
Yeah, that's the best bit.
Do they blur the faces, or...
Sorry to break this up.
I think we're becoming distracted from the issue at hand.
So, Mr Barber,
there will be no more sleeping on school property. Is that understood?
Yes, Headmistress, of course.
- 100 per cent. - Excellent.
Does that include the cleaning cupboard?
Yes.
- Boiler room? - Absolutely anywhere on school property.
Got it.
Shed?
(HE WHISTLES)
Oh! Last to leave again, am I?
Aye, I've just got to lock up and head home myself.
I'm not bedding down in the school, no matter what that Miss Chakrabarti says.
Oh!
Not sure I've met her. Well, good night, caretaker.
Good night, Keith. See you in the morning.
By which time I'll have definitely gone home and come back again, so...
(DOOR CREAKS SHUT)
(CROONING WELSH SONG)
(SNIFFS)
- (FIRE ALARM BEEPS) - Oh.
MR BARBER: Bugger!
I had to have a word with the Head yesterday.
I mean, he was actually sleeping in my classroom.
Sad, innit? Kipping in the school.
Explains why your room stank.
Didn't stink. Might have been a slight stale odour.
Yeah, but think of all the guffs he was letting off in the night.
I'd rather not. I'm just glad I've nipped it in the bud.
Oh, my God!
Bloody hell.
Morning.
Oh, no. There's been a fire.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
MS BARON: And so I will be dismissing Mr Barber with immediate effect.
Oh, no. No, no. I feel so bad about this. Please, please, don't sack him.
Says the one who grassed him up.
Look, the important thing to remember here is not who did or didn't grass him up,
and nobody did, so let's stop using the G-word.
The important thing is that we have a colleague...
Well, the teachers are colleagues. He's more support staff.
...and a friend... OK, someone that we know very well...
- I don't know him that well. ...who we've met...
- Mm. ...who desperately needs our help.
Otherwise he will end up begging on the streets.
I read in the Daily Mailthe other day that some of these beggars make
over a quarter of a million pounds a year.
Look, all Gareth needs is a place to sleep.
I mean, if he had somewhere to live, you wouldn't sack him, would you?
No, I wouldn't, Miss Chakrabarti.
- Her name's not... - No...
So, I'm sure you'd love to be the one who puts him up.
Er... well...
well, yeah, I'm glad you've brought that up,
Ms Baron. Yes, I would love to put Gareth up.
- That's settled, then. - But...
- Here we go. ...I only have the one spare room.
- And? - And it only has a sofa bed.
And that's not a long-term solution, is it?
He needs a bed, a bed that stays a bed.
What a kind-hearted woman you are. Anybody else, before I sack him?
- Mr Church? - Oh.
Like Sarah, I'd love to, but, um...
- Ah, here we go again. ...I only have the one large towel.
It wouldn't be fair on Gareth to expect him to use a damp towel.
Could you not buy another towel?
Well, then I'd need a bigger towel rack, and so on,
and so on and so on and so forth.
It would quickly descend into chaos.
Well, there we have it. Mr Barber will be out of a job and sleeping on the streets.
- All right. - Oh, Trevor, can't you put Gareth up?
No, no, no way.
But you're always telling me how big and comfy your bed is.
Oh, is he?
Mm. You said it could fit you, me and Pippa Middleton.
Yeah, I'd love to. I mean, them posh birds, they're filth.
OK. So, you could easily fit Gareth in.
Problem solved. Thank you, Mr Gunn.
Eh?
Oi!
Oh, bollocks!
Hello.
Oh! Hello. Ha-ha.
Thank you for letting me share your classroom.
- We're finally moving in together. - Yes, but just into a classroom.
Yes.
- And it's only for a couple of weeks. - Maybe longer!
No, because by then my own classroom will have been redecorated.
With any luck, it might burn down again!
(HE CHORTLES)
That was misjudged.
This is too soon to joke about the inferno.
I realise that now. So, did you manage to...
- salvage much from the fire? - The inferno.
- No.
My cheese map of France got very badly singed.
I'm sorry to hear that.
My papier-mâché Arc de Triomphe is just a mass of twisted chicken wire.
Dare I ask what happened to your novelty rubber baguette?
It's a sticky beige pool on the floor.
Oh, I'm...
- I'm sorry for your loss. - Thank you.
- What... what are you doing? - I'm comforting you.
Right, well, I'm not feeling very comforted.
- Should I stop? - Yeah.
Well, stay right there. I've got a welcome gift for you.
- Une bottle de vin! - Ooh.
Merci, monsieur!
Oh, it's just a small one.
Well, I... I know you live alone,
so a full-sized bottle would be too much for one sitting.
Well, I could have asked one of my toy boys round.
- You don't have a toy boy, do you? - No, it was a joke.
Maybe I'll laugh about it later. Don't forget to read the card.
I won't. So, where can I put all my kit?
Oh, Jo will find a place for it. Jo?
(SHUFFLING)
Hello, Jo.
Say hello, Jo!
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Hm. Sarah's moving in with us. That's super news, isn't it?
Would you find a place for, er... Sarah's things, please?
Ha...
(SMASHING)
Oh, God.
(BIRDSONG)
This is my bedroom...
...or, as I call it,
- Shag Central. - Well, it's very kind of you
to put your rutting on hold for me.
It's all right. It's the birds I feel sorry for.
Right, then, a guided tour. Got my own beer fridge. Oosh!
- Help yourself. - Oh, thanks.
- It's ten pound a can. - Oh.
I'll just pop down the offy and get myself a jumbo bottle of cider, then.
Hey... you've got some smashing toys.
No, no, they're not toys. They're... they're collectable miniatures.
Yeah, if you say so.
Don't touch 'em!
Mm.
Huh! Ah!
Oh!
Forgot what a mattress feels like.
Well, we're gonna have to, um... you know, sort of top-and-tail.
So, if you put your head that end and your feet that end.
Yeah, all right.
(GRUNTS)
- Yeah, all right, and I'll go this end. - Yep.
(GRUNTING)
Ah!
Oh!
- No. - MRS GUNN: Here we go, boys.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
There, that should keep you going.
Oh, thanks.
- Mm! Smashing glass of milk, Mrs G. - Oh. That's kind. Thank you.
Oh! Have one of my
- special Krispie cakes. - Don't mind if I do.
Mm!
- You like it? - Delicious. Could be
part of the Tesco's Finest range.
I'm so pleased. Trevor never says anything nice about my cooking.
- Yeah, I do. - You don't.
And it's so lovely you're staying with us.
You know, Trevor never introduces me to any of his friends.
- I wouldn't exactly say we're... - I've got to say that this boy
has been like a rock for me. Probably the best friend I've ever had.
What a lovely thing to say.
Jesus, you stink!
I've got a bone to pick with you, Trevor.
You never told me you have such a beautiful mother.
Oh! Oh! (SHE LAUGHS) Oh, Gareth.
Haven't you got any washing-up to be getting on with?
All right. I get the message.
Tell you what. You wash, I'll dry.
Oh! Well, you can come again!
Hey, let me take that. Come on.
Ladies first.
Gareth?
If you come back in again, knock.
MRS GUNN: That means he'll be touching himself.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Ah! Bonjour, Monsieur Church!
What have you done to my classroom?
Our classroom, remember?
Don't you like it?
Look at my periodic table.
You've completely obscured the transition metals.
I'm sorry, this is going to have to come down.
- Don't you touch that! - What?
That is staying exactly where it is. How else are the kids
supposed to know the French for a ham and cheese toasted sandwich?
Well, very easily,
because it's even called a croque monsieur in Wetherspoon's.
Is it? Hm.
Oh! Oh, look, now I'm in the way of the periodic table.
Well, perhaps I should just go too, should I?
Come on. Come on, Sarah. Out you go! Come on.
Come on! You're obscuring some boring old metals!
There is nothing boring about transition metals.
They happen to have the highest density of all the metals.
- Boring! - And if you'll excuse me, Sarah,
I have a chemistry lesson to teach.
Because, lest we forget, this is a chemistry classroom.
Fine. Well, I know where I'm not wanted.
Oh, and you should know that your lab technician's
been extremely hostile towards me.
Oh, for God's sake, Sarah, don't drag Jo into this.
It's been a very confusing time for her. And I happen to know
she's grown very fond of you. Haven't you, Jo?
(SNORTING)
In fairness, she has been very phlegmy.
TV: After four weeks of heats, this is the MasterChef semi-finals.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV) - There you go, Mrs G.
Oh!
- Thank you, Gareth. - No, thank you for a cracking dinner.
Those Findus Crispy Pancakes were cooked to perfection.
See? I am a good cook.
What d'you mean? You just take 'em out the freezer and put 'em in the oven.
- (# TOP GEARTHEME TUNE) - MRS G: Trevor!
- I was watching that. - Wanna watch Top Gear.
- Look, put MasterChefback on. - Top Gear'sjust starting!
Do what your mother says, eh?
(THEME TUNE CONTINUES)
Freelance chef Ash has cooked a fillet of beef
with potato and jamón serrano...
You'd be wonderful on this programme, Mrs G.
Really? I don't know about that.
Well, if that Angel Delight's anything to go by, you'd walk it.
... beautiful flavoured food, beautiful-tasting food.
I hate MasterChef. It's boring.
Just some bald bloke and his boyfriend eating asparagus.
You are obviously not enjoying it, so why don't you just go to your room?
All right, then, I will. Come on, Gareth!
We're going to my room.
No, you go on. I'll stay and keep your mum company.
... non-sportsman-like, but I don't think that's quite, um...
I think it's a bit too much. It's... it's taking on
as you are now looking at the kitchen of a place of exploration and fun,
where too many people look on it as a place full of chores.
Exactly.
So, the difference in the approach is enormous
and that difference is what gets people into...
Ooh, you smell nice!
This is obviously rich with chocolate. Shall I just...
- Yeah. - Oh, hang on. Oh, wait.
(DOG BARKING)
(BANGING)
- Oh. - Uh.
- Oh! Oh! - Oh! Oh!
- (MATTRESS THUMPING) - Ooh.
- Ooh. Oh! - Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! - Ooh! Uh!
- Ooh-ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! - (SPRINGS CLICKING)
- Ooh! - Oh!
Oh! Did my back in last night.
(TYRES SCREECH)
Right, get out.
- What have I done? - You know exactly what you've done.
And you ain't just done it the once, have you?
I mean, you've done it again ...and again...
...and again. So, get out.
I can't walk all the way to school.
I barely made it down the stairs this morning.
- Out! - Ah.
- This is about me and your mum, innit? - Don't.
Seriously, just...
...don't.
All right.
Oh.
Your mum asked if you could pick up a large tub of margarine on the way home.
We got through a lot of it last night.
(CAR REVS, TYRES SCREECH)
Thanks for helping me, Jo.
I know we didn't get off to the best start, but, um... this is fun, isn't it?
(CHUCKLES) We should spend some more time together outside school.
What do you think? Go out one day?
Hm? Just us girls? Do a bit of shopping?
Or as I call it... retail therapy.
(SHE CACKLES)
That's funny, isn't it, Jo? Retail therapy.
Oh! We could get mani-pedis.
You could get your toes waxed.
Or I could do you a make-over. Hm?
I've done it lots of times for friends.
And, um... well, I don't want to exaggerate,
but just by picking the right lip gloss, I've transformed women's lives.
I mean, you know, I can't promise you this.
But have a think. Yeah?
Yeah?
Do we have a yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah!
Yeah?
Yeah...
- (DOOR CREAKS) - Morning.
Morning, Keith.
Oh! Ha. Nice to see my girls getting on.
Mm. Jo's been helping me with my '"chaussures pour femme'" poster.
- Really? - Yeah.
We've been having a right old girly chat.
So, that's why my conical flasks are unwashed, is it?
Yes, I said she could do those later.
Jo, will you excuse us one moment, please?
Jo is my lab technician. She is not your lab technician.
French teachers do not have lab technicians.
Oh, sorry! My bad. I thought we were sharing everything.
We are sharing a classroom. That is all.
Sorry, Jo, we haven't quite finished.
Oh, yes, we have finished, Jo. I'm leaving.
- Where are you going? - Well,
you obviously don't care about my burned-out classroom,
so from now on, I'll teach my lessons in the toilet!
Mr Church, why would you force a colleague to teach her classes in a lavatory?
A better question would be to ask Miss Postern
why my conical flasks were left unwashed.
Because... Jo was hel... ping... me...
cut... out... pictures...
of... shoes. OK?
MR CHURCH: But Jo... was... meant
to... be... rins... ing
my... con... ical... flasks.
- OK? - Oh, God!
Here we go again.
Why don't the two of you just go off and have some angry sex?
Well, I was thinking I could just change classrooms.
Hm. We should consider all the options.
Except that one.
And having shared with you,
- I can see why you live alone. - I can see why you live alone.
I don't live alone. I live with
- Jules et Jim. - They're cats.
Yes, I know they're cats, Keith, and they're a lot better company than you are.
Well, I can see why you enjoy their company so much,
because they don't answer back.
So, you can just drone on and on and on and on!
Oh, listen to you droning on and on and on and on!
- You've no idea, Headmistress! - She comes into my classroom...
- He is unbelievably selfish! ...puts up a poster of shoes...
Shut up! You are both as bad as each other.
Mr Church, go back to your chemistry lab.
Miss Chakrabarti, go back to your classroom.
But it's still being re...
Talk to the hand, cos the face ain't listening.
All right.
Hello.
How's it going with Sarah?
Yes. Fine, thank you.
How's it going with Gareth?
Couldn't be better.
Good.
Oh, God, she's coming over. Hello, Sarah!
- All right, babes? - I'm fine, thank you, Trevor.
MR BARBER: # I'm walking on sunshine
# Woh-ho! I'm walking on sunshine
♪ Woh-ho! And don't it feel good! ♪
Have you been sniffing the creosote again?
No, no. Those days are behind me. I'm on a natural high.
Oh, good for you, Gareth, because you are normally someone who -
forgive me - sucks the life out of the room.
Ah! That was the old Gareth. This is the new Gareth.
He's got his mojo back.
Well, that was all sudden.
Yes, what exactly happened overnight that led...
Don't.
Seriously, don't.
- Yeah, but I... - (PLATE CLINKS)
Don't.
Don't worry, Trevor.
I'm not gonna go into all the ins and outs of what I got up to with your mother.
- (PLATE CLINKS) - That's my mum you're talking about.
She only ever done it once, and that was to have me.
No, no, no, I... I don't think so, lad.
Your mum knows more tricks than Paul Daniels!
(DOG BARKING)
(MATTRESS CREAKING)
- (MATTRESS CREAKING) - Oh.
- Oh.
- Ooh. - Ooh-ooh-ooh.
- Eee! - Mm-mm-mm!
- Oh! - Mm. Mm!
- Oh! - Ooh!
- (MATTRESS CREAKS) - Ooh-ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
- Ooh! - Ooh, yes!
- (MATTRESS CREAKING) - Ooh!
(MUFFLED MOANS)
(MATTRESS THUMPING)
- (DOG BARKING) - (ALARM BLARING)
- No! - (BOTH LAUGHING)
- Really? - Yeah.
- How stupid! - I know.
Look what you've done to my Ferrari Testarostarosa.
Don't worry. After school we can pop by Toys R Us and pick you up a new one.
It is not a toy. It is a collectors' item.
Please, Trevor, sit down.
Rita, do you want me to tell him,
- or... - No, no. Let me, Gareth.
Tell me what?
You know... how much I love you, Trevor.
But...
What?
Well, um...
me and Gareth have been...
...talking,
and we both think it's...
best for you...
if you start looking for a place of your own.
- What? - All we want is for you to be happy.
- I was happy till he came along! - That's very rude, Trevor!
Rude? I tell you what's rude, and that's giving your bed
to somebody for the night, and then they go, '"Thank you very much.
'"Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna go and hop on your mum.'"
Oh!
Don't talk like that in front of your mother.
And anyway, it's more a case
- of your mum hopping on me. - Oh!
She rode me like it was the Grand National.
Right, that's it, I'm done.
You do what you want.
But I'm moving out. And don't try and stop me, because you can't.
I said don't try and stop me.
Right.
- (DOOR SLAMS) - Oh!
Hey.
- (SNIFFS) - Are you OK?
Yeah.
Do you wanna get a quick one in before work?
Yeah.
I'm back on track.
- The voices in my head have gone. - That's reassuring.
I've got a roof over my head, I'm not drinking from puddles any more,
and, best of all, I'm getting regular sex.
Now that you've put that horrendous image in my mind, what do you want?
- I want to be a teacher again. - Oh, God!
Here's your cup of... tea, Ms Baron.
Please, Headmistress.
Geography is my passion, and I was born to teach it.
I want to share my love of crop rotation and coastal erosion.
Are you all right, Gareth? You sound quite mental again.
Please, Ms Baron. It's my passion.
My passion.
Well, what happens when the children start chanting,
- '"Baa, baa, baa! '" - Baa! Baa! Baa! Baa!
They'd have forgotten all about that. Come on.
Give this geography teacher a chance to sing again, eh?
On a caretaker's salary?
- I'd do it for nothing. - It's a deal.
You are a beautiful woman.
- Don't touch. - Of course.
Daphne, show Mr Barber out.
- Out where? - Out the door.
- Oh. - I won't let you down.
And I promise you this.
No more fires.
If it's not too much to ask.
(STUDENTS CHATTER OUTSIDE)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
- Are you all right, Miss? - Hm?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just that, um... well, someone's written a poem especially for me.
Is it Mr Church?
Is it that obvious that he likes me?
Yeah, and he's written his name at the bottom.
Oh, right. Yeah.
'"At Greybridge School you're a ray of light
'"Beautiful, kind, witty and bright... '"
Well, he's certainly got me down to a T.
'"You're an asset to the department of French
'"And as welcoming as a lovely bench.'"
Oh.
I don't really get the bit about the bench.
Well, he's just trying to find something to rhyme with French.
And why does he say '"department of French'" and not '"French department'"?
All right, you're being a bit of a killjoy now, Nicholas.
- Sorry, Miss. - No, I'm sorry.
I'm just a little bit all over the place with everything at the moment.
- Maybe you shouldn't drink at school. - Right.
I didn't actually drink anything, though, did I?
Because I spat it back into the bottle.
Look, I really like Mr Church.
I mean, his heart's in the right place.
But it's just sometimes he can be really annoying.
Yeah.
But then so can you. So it could work.
See ya.
Bye.
(STUDENTS CHATTER)
(SNIFFS)
Barber's back.
STUDENTS: Baa! Baa! Baa!
Baa! Baa! Baa! Baa! Baa!
Oh, bugger!
(SHE KNOCKS ON WINDOW)
- (CHORTLES) - Hello.
I read your poem.
Oh.
- Did you like it? - I'd give it an A-star.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
I did struggle to find anything to rhyme with French.
I barely noticed.
Keith, no-one's ever written me a poem before.
That surprises me.
I'd have thought a woman as - dare I say it -
beautiful as you
would have had between five and ten poems written about her.
Or more. But no.
- May I offer you a lift? - I thought you'd never ask.
Let me...
Oh.
Are you all right?
Yes. Yes, I'm fine.
- Have you been drinking? - No, I just rinsed my mouth with wine.
Oh.
So...
where would you like to go?
Let's be spontaneous.
Just drive and let's go where the open road takes us.
- Bella Italia? - Mm. That sounds good.
♪ When I think about the days there is something of a haze about it
♪ When we said we'd never change
♪ Well, we never stopped to think about it
♪ No, we're not the same
♪ But let's not break the chain
♪ We should play this game together. ♪ Ripped By mstoll