(# "That's Not Really Funny" by Eels)
Well, everyone. I've got some tremendous news.
Robbie Williams has agreed to give us a week of his time and, even as we speak,
he's beginning his stint as goodwill ambassador for UNICEF in South America.
I think he's going to make a tremendous difference.
Hey up. Hey!
To think a Port Vale lad like me gets to go to in a helicopter. Smashing. Hello, Mum.
This is one of many such plantations across southern Brazil.
- Are you watching, our kid? - First time eucalyptus has been grown here.
You what? But eucalyptus destroys the water cycle in arid regions,
leading to salinisation and soil nutrient depletion, as water brings salt to the surface.
Chemical-input-intensive variety seeds also obviate cash-intensive systems,
which breed malarial insects.
Well, I wouldn't know about that. Now, what about a shot...
You mean you haven't conducted an epidemiological study?
That's basic. Basic!
I'll get a qualified medical expert on it.
(phone rings)
Dr Dre here. Oh, hi, Robbie.
Well, no, Robbie. It's not pesticide-free. It's pesticide-resistant. You motherfucker.
(# "Angels" by Robbie Williams)
In this remote region the sight of someone... Hiya, mate. What you doing here?
What am I doin'? Researching women and gender issues in the global South.
- What have you found? - That chemical-intensive agriculture
has a disproportionately negative impact on both hoes and bitches.
The infrastructure here is collapsing. These water pipes haven't been maintained for 30 years,
since they were put in by Aerosmith.
Some maintenance was done in the '80s by Def Leppard,
but there's only so much you can do with one arm.
(speaks Portuguese)
Robbie! Robbie. How was your trip in South America?
It was fab. Not only did I get to go in a helicopter,
I got to stick my arse out the window.
That went well. Next week, we're sending Danniella Westbrook to a leper colony.
- Yes. That should help. - She's not going there to help.
She's going there to try and find a nose that fits.
Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm on work experience.
Excellent, Kelly. I'm rather busy today, but I've just put this kettle on.
Just let me know when it's boiled. OK?
I'm on work experience. I'm Kelly.
Yeah, I know that. Just let me know when the kettle's boiled.
- Kevin, I need those reports this afternoon. - Yeah. Sure thing.
- Kelly, what are you doing? - (gurgling)
- Kelly, I said what are you doing? - (gurgling)
Kelly!
You said to put my head down the toilet.
No, I said to keep an eye on the kettle.
I'm Kelly. I'm on work experience.
I'm going to miss you, Mr Jennings. I've been here 27 years.
Yes, yes, Ivan. You didn't do the meatsafe murders. DNA's proved you innocent.
£120,000 compensation, '70s memorabilia, one Space Hopper, now fuck off.
Mr Hoppy!
(# "Come" by Eddie Warner)
- Hey, dig the ride, man. - You are a cool cat. Who's your weird friend?
- He's me Space Hopper. - I wasn't talking to you, Mr Weirdie.
I was talking to the dude between your legs.
Can I have a ride?
He's groovy! And so fashionable!
Let's go in.
- Not you. - But Mr Hoppy! I... He's me...
(sad music)
(# "Come" by Eddie Warner)
Oh, Slinky! I remember them.
In the original box. You don't see many of them nowadays.
- How much? - Oh, well, I'm prepared to haggle.
£120,000.
Done.
- How do I look? - Fabulous.
You look really in. Really '80s. Let's go in.
Not you.
It can't be. No. It is.
It's Mr Hoppy! Mr Hoppy! It's Mr Hoppy!
But I don't have no money.
An old friend, is it, son?
Listen, I've got a bit of a confession to make.
I'm afraid I overcharged you for the Slinky.
Overcharged you rather a lot, in fact.
So I'll tell you what. Here's your money back.
You can keep the Slinky and you can have the Space Hopper for nothing at all.
Mr Hoppy! Oh, thank you.
You're the kindest man what I've ever met.
- Now, you run along home, son. - But I haven't got a home.
I'm Ivan Dobsky, the Meatsafe Murderer. Only I never done it.
I only said I done it so they'd take the electrodes off me nipples.
And now I can't go back to Crowmarsh, cos I haven't done nothing bad.
Unless...
(siren)
You bastard! Old Ralph's had that stall since 1978!
I'm home. Yippee!
(Mr Jennings) For fuck's sake!
(buzzing noise followed by scream)
(football machine) Goal!
- (racing machine) You're out of the race. - Bollocks!
(SAS machine) OK, Abdul. I surrender.
(computer) You have chosen "First Time Cottager".
OK, let's cottage.
Choose your cubicle.
Cottaging is a crime against society.
You're under arrest. What will your family think now?
You will go to prison for five years.
Game over.
(sad music)
I'm on work experience. I'm Kelly.
I'm aware of that. I've got a very important task for you today.
Do you see these two boxes?
- Yes. - I'd like you to put them in order of size.
I'm on work experience.
That should occupy the rest of your afternoon.
- Kevin. Reports. I said this afternoon. - Yeah. I'm on it. I'm on it.
- Kelly! What are you doing? - You told me to put this fork in the plug.
That's not strictly correct, is it, Kelly?
I'm on work experience. I'm Kelly.
What I actually said was...
Oh, never mind.
You know, Jean, I'm worried about George.
Ever since he retired he just mopes about the house.
Oh, dear. He should get himself a hobby like my Frank.
Really? I didn't know your Frank had a hobby.
Oh, yes, yes. Genetic research.
- More biscuits? - Just the one.
Yes. He's always in the shed tinkering away with genetic structures.
Fiddling with DNA. Just tampering with nature, really.
Oh, it must be wonderful to have an interest.
I wish my George had a passion in life.
Well, you know my Frank. He loves playing God.
Hello, Frank. I've been hearing about your hobby.
Hello, dear.
Ah, in my country I am the inventor of the Hoover.
Look. I wanted to go to the station. This is Narnia.
It's a remake of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, only about advertising copywriters.
They've all drunk from the wells of cynicism endemic in 21st century society,
but at least one or two of them are choking on it.
Think Friends meets Battleship Potemkin.
Tania and Milo savage and lustful on the Odessa steps of Hackney Town Hall.
Miss, there haven't been any cars for ages.
Oh, surely the smell of frying bacon is just too much to bear.
If I made you a meal with Quorn, I bet you wouldn't notice.
- It's true. - Oh, look at that lovely full moon.
Christ! Charlotte.
- I thought you were gonna look in the diary. - Me? Since when has it been my job?
I'm sorry, but we must go. Now!
Oh, my God. We've got to stop them.
Too late.
Oh, no! The hummus.
Get off there. Go on. Get down!
Off you go. Go on!
I'll ring you tomorrow about what to wear at Jessica's.
(bark)
Well, looks like another takeaway, then.
(# "Lovely Head" by Goldfrapp)
(Tony Blair) You and I, and all of us together.
The people are coming. We are coming.
Labour's coming and the people are coming.
And we will be envied. I am sure of it.
(music blares from window)
(# "Lovely Head" continues)
Clive, you said you'd come home straight after the match.
It's after midnight. This had better be good.
I just nodded off. I nodded off. Simple as that.
There's no more to say. And when I woke up there was nothing.
It was just pitch black. And then I saw this light.
I peered at it and I could just make out this single word.
And the word was God and all things were made by him.
And without him was not anything made that was made.
Clive, can I just stop you there? Is this going to be a long excuse?
I'm telling you, there was this light shining in the darkness.
- And the darkness comprehended it not. - Just tell me what you have been doing.
I've been in a porn cinema wanking like a safari park chimp.
And you're sure it's the work of the Element Killer?
Aye. It's unmistakable.
First fire. Then water. Now look.
Earth in the victim's mouth.
That means air is next.
Girl's name was Angela Hunter, sir.
Angela. A.
So each victim's name begins with the first letter of the next line from the book of Revelations.
It's like he's setting us a gigantic puzzle.
But we're no nearer to finding a solution. He could be absolutely anywhere.
Hang on.
- The Element Killer. - Hey? What?
Who the... I must have nodded off.
Oh, my God. I never thought I'd say these words, but you're under arrest.
Oh, dear. I was just going to close my eyes for five minutes.
It's an amateur mistake, innit?
So this is how it all ends.
Yeah. It's a bit of a letdown, really, isn't it?
Honestly, I can't believe I fell asleep.
Sleep. Yeah.
You know, in a funny way I was actually starting to enjoy it.
I was developing a certain bizarre admiration for you.
Likewise, you know? You done some lovely police work.
- It was like cat and mouse, wasn't it? - Yeah. Yes. That's it. Yeah.
I always thought we'd have more of a showdown at the end.
Maybe on a rooftop or something.
Yeah. Or a fairground. In a hall of mirrors. Something like that.
Oh, well. What the heck? I've had a good run.
I suppose you want to know the answer to the element stuff and Revelations and that?
No. No. No. No. No.
Well, I sort of wanted to work it out for myself, really.
Look... I tell you what.
Me and the sergeant have got a few things to clear up here.
We're just going to wander over there,
and what you get up to while we're not looking is your own business.
- Inspector. - I know what I'm doing, Sergeant.
- I will take full responsibility. - Thanks!
But... I need my, you know, keys.
- Keys? Oh, yeah. There you go. - Inspector. You can't do this.
Just follow me, Sergeant.
(car fails to start)
I'm sorry to bother you and everything, but you ain't got a set of jump leads, have you?
- I've gone and left the side lights on again. - It's easily done. Yes, of course.
Sergeant. I think there's a set in the van.
All right, sir.
(siren)
- Where's your Frank, then? - He's in the shed.
- He's been there all day with his new hobby. - Could you pass the sugar?
Yes, he's been a changed man ever since he took up creating bonsai chickens.
Really? Bonsai chickens? What's that all about?
Have you never confined poultry, Muriel?
Hello, Frank. What's all this I hear about bonsai chickens?
It's just like keeping a bonsai tree, isn't it?
Only you apply the trimming and pruning to an infant chicken.
My goodness. Are they running all over your back yard?
No. They're kept in a confined space to hamper growth.
- That must be a relief. - Will you stay for eggs on toast, Muriel?
I'm Kelly. I'm on work experience.
Right. Kelly, I've got a very important job for you today.
I want you to guard the bin. OK?
I'm on work experience. I'm Kelly.
I know that. And I want you to guard the bin.
Just don't move, stay there,
and guard the bin.
OK?
Got that, Kelly?
Got you! Caught red-handed, you murderer.
Cor. Now, that is bad luck.
I'm on work experience.
This remarkable creature is the only animal to overwinter on the Antarctic continent.
In temperatures of minus 70 degrees Celsius
the Emperor penguins huddle together for warmth.
But by some invisible design slowly rotate their positions
so that each takes his turn at bearing the brunt of the icy winds.
And, of course, no surprise to see England manager Sven-Goran Eriksson in the crowd.
Will you stop watching bloody football for one second? I think we've been burgled.
- Is anything missing? - I think the Walkers crisps box is gone.
How did he get in?
Welcome to day 803 of the Daisy Harris murder enquiry.
And I'm delighted to inform you that at 6.04am this morning
my officers made an arrest pertaining to this enquiry.
Namely the arresting of a suspect
in the enquiry pertaining to the murder of Daisy Harris.
Sue Judd, Express. Are you in a position to name the arrested man?
Indeed. He is a Mr Frank Sinatra of 24 York Place.
Although he has operated under a number of aliases.
Namely, Tom Hanks, Davis Love III,
Doris Day, Mr Tony Bennett, and his original name of Gary Nuttall.
And can you confirm that he has mad staring eyes?
At this stage I am unable to furnish information of this nature at such an early stage.
Jo Noble, "Mail". What was the trail of evidence that led you to Mr Sinatra?
Mr Sinatra has been observed behaving suspiciously by my officers
on a number of occasions.
He has been seen shouting at parked cars.
When questioned, Mr Sinatra claims to have lived on the moon.
We also have independent witness corroboration
that he has used knives in the preparation of food.
Where is Mr Sinatra being held?
For his own safety, he is being held in the nonce's wing of Fordham Prison,
where he's being questioned about 2,037 other unsolved crimes nationwide.
May I just say a few words to express
how very relieved I am that someone has been blamed -
correctly, I have no doubt - for this hideous murder?
To kill your own child is a terrible crime.
As is this.
(Jo) This must be a relief for your wife and for your other stepdaughter, Polly.
Ah, yes. Polly.
Who so unexpectedly left on a five-year field trip to Borneo,
in the middle of the night on Wednesday,
without leaving a forwarding address or indeed packing a suitcase.
The silly, flirtatious, provocative little slut.
And I'd just like to say from all of us that we hope Polly is having a fantastic holiday.
And you can continue viewing that press conference on BBC Press Conference 24.
Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott today announced investment to help Britain's miners.
They looked to a change. We promised a statutory minimum wage.
President Clinton fought to show that my judgement was wrong,
which is a matter of correspondence between myself and "The Sunday Times".
The Post Office will tell you I go round the country,
as Peter's mentioned, with my explosive devices.
I think there's no political difference between the parties on this particular matter.
- Did you see the England game? - Yeah.
They were OK, but there's still a big problem on the left of midfield.
Well, if only McManaman could reproduce his club form.
Yeah, but he can't.
Maybe one of the under 21's. I wonder what Sven thinks.
Oi! Sven!
Any ideas for the left of midfield?
I'm going to play David Baddiel on the left.
He is a famous comedian and therefore can do anything.
If only he had time to do my job.
(commentator) Gerrard plays it wide to Baddiel and the break's on.
Now, using my left foot, rather than my natural right one,
I need to slip the ball past Roberto Carlos, skin him for pace,
reach the by-line, then pull back a perfect cross for Scholes,
arriving late in the box to rifle past the helpless keeper.
Can't be any harder than translating Dostoevsky.
(speaks Portuguese)
Roberto Carlos!
Pick that out!
(as voice-over) Call that a defence? My gran could run faster than you, Keown.
You're a pubic-headed rubbish fucker. You're shit and you know you are.
- All right, mate. Out you come. - That tone of voice is way out of order.
Get your hands off me. I'm a classically trained actor.
That's it. I'm going to bed.
- Can you get me a glass of water? - We're out of water.
- There's a dribble of Dr Pepper in the bin. - Oh, lovely.
Shall we turn the light out, dear?
Yeah. Why not, love? Night-night.
(# "Utterly Simple" by Traffic)
Morning, dear.
Morning.
Have any nice dreams, love?
No. No.
Didn't really dream at all.
(heavy breathing)
(footsteps approach)
- Benji? - Charlotte?
(both) Shit!
(# "That's Not Really Funny" by Eels)