(# "That's Not Really Funny" by Eels)
Right. Let me ask you a question.
(cups rattle)
- Who uses the fire brigade? - Well, it's, um...
Let me tell you, because we've gone into this. He's a family man. He's a smoker.
Wife, children. Property owner. Maybe lower-income, white-collar occupation.
- And, generally, their 'ouse is on fire. - Bingo.
The fire brigade is a reactive organisation.
Our brief from government is to turn it into a proactive organisation.
- Why restrict yourself to putting out fires? - Well, we also cut people out of wreckage.
Tell me. What is the fire brigade's biggest asset?
Uh... big tanks of water.
Its brand. People trust the fire brigade brand. They'll buy anything from you.
CDs, coffee, cigarettes, David Beckham replica tops, pensions.
(man) Don't get me wrong, we shouldn't lose sight of the core activity.
Fires, the wreckage thing, yada-yada-yada.
But what I'm saying is,
how do we reach out to people whose houses, perhaps, aren't on fire?
Uh... don't know.
We are looking at a complete image overhaul. New uniforms, new-look fire stations.
I mean, "stations"? Hey, why not "the fire village"?
And, most importantly, a new name.
But I must warn you, this isn't gonna come cheap.
- The name alone, you're looking at two mill. - Two million pounds for a name?
Believe me, clients always come up with that objection.
If I had a pound for every time...
Hang on. I am a millionaire.
Yeah, but the point is, people just don't realise quite how much effort
our creative guys put into coming up with exactly the right name.
(grunts)
Sparks and Quencher!
The heat's on!
The heat's off.
O God, why hast thou forsaken me?
Nah, it's too long.
Madaboutfire.com.
(sobs)
Abbey... National.
Nah, it's been done.
Icarus!
Oh, yes.
"Two million pounds only."
(siren)
- Tea, please. - Two of them, please.
Hello? I'd like to book tickets for the 8.30 performance of...
(man) Thank you for calling the UDI cinema ticket line.
If you have a touch-tone phone, please press hash once.
If you do not have a touch-tone phone, please press hash twice.
You are being held in a queue.
The number of people ahead of you is...
two hundred and seventy.
(bland music)
You are still being held in a queue.
The number of people ahead of you is...
two hundred and sixty...
nine.
(clock ticking)
- Timmy! - Daddy!
I'll collect him at six o'clock sharp tomorrow. Understood?
So, guess what Daddy's got planned?
Indoor fireworks! Woo!
(clock ticking)
So, how's the old judo going, eh?
(imitates martial arts cries)
I stopped doing it.
What about Spurs, eh? On Saturday? Wasn't that great?
I support Chelsea now.
So... it's someone's birthday soon.
I can't be there on Friday, but I wonder what's under this blanket.
Shall we see what it is?
It's a bicycle!
Daddy already bought me a bicycle.
I mean... Roger already bought me a bicycle.
So, guess where Daddy's been.
Daddy's been to the video shop.
And, do you know what? (sighs)
They'd completely run out of films.
Except for this one. It's your favourite! Digimon!
Roger says that Digimon is rubbish.
Oh, right. Um...
Well, look, I tell you what, um...
Wait here for a second, Timmy, while Daddy just goes to the bedroom.
(# "Deer Stop" by Goldfrapp)
(gunshot)
Daddy? Daddy?
Can I come and live with you instead?
Oh, my God!
I'll get an ambulance! I'll call the fire brigade!
Daddy? I'm stuck. I think my leg's broken.
Wait. I've got a better idea. Doesn't David Baddiel live round here?
He's a famous comedian, he can do anything. Novels. Plays.
Political discussion programmess. Light opera. I'm sure he'll be able to help.
(operator) Which service do you require? Police, ambulance, Icarus, famous comedian?
Famous comedian, please.
David Baddiel should be with you in an hour.
He's just finishing off a treatise on agrarian reform.
Yes. I believe the root of your problem is that your daughter is under a car.
A simple application of horizontal pressure should be sufficient.
- I'm sorry. This car simply won't budge. - Maybe if we get a tow truck?
I resent the implication that, as a famous comedian,
I'm less qualified to perform any given task than a trained professional.
Your child is dead. Even Steve Martin himself couldn't have saved her.
Daddy? The car's hurting.
(laboured breathing)
(chokes)
(disappointed sigh)
(train)
And so, in conclusion, the Chartists should not really be seen as a protosocialist movement,
but more as the last gasp of the radical tradition
personified by Thomas Paine and The Rights Of Man.
Thank you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
- For the lecture? - No through line. Lazy conclusions.
Sorry about that...
You have ordered two tickets for the 8.30 performance of "The Spasm"
at screen 11 on the UDI cineplex in Market Street.
Your tickets are nonsmoking, in the stalls, row J, seat 11,
and nonsmoking, in the stalls, row J, seat 13.
Please say "Yes" now to confirm.
Yes.
Please say "Yes" now to confirm.
Yes.
Yes!
I'm sorry. I didn't get that.
Yes!
Main menu.
(Tony Blair) Decent society. Education. Responsibility. Law and order.
Education. A better world. Britain's schools. Education.
We're on the same side, we're in the same team.
(# "Lovely Head" by Goldfrapp)
(car alarms)
(music blares from window)
(# "Lovely Head" continues)
It's midnight. You left the office at six o'clock. Where have you been, Clive?
The evening I've had, honestly. I was driving home and I was just overcome with tiredness.
And I saw this light up ahead, so I just stopped, you know, to rest my eyes.
There was this woman came out with a candle,
and she showed me into this courtyard where these boys were dancing.
It was an amazing place. Mirrors on the ceiling and pink champagne on ice.
Well, I said I'd stay for a drink and the captain brought me my wine.
It was a bottle they'd had since the late '60s.
They offered me a room, but I said, "No, I've got to get home."
They said I could check out whenever I liked, but never leave.
Anyway, so I stayed for dinner in the master's chambers,
and we had a stab at the meal with our steely knives,
but we just couldn't kill the beast.
And that, darling, is what really happened.
That's actually the plot of "Hotel California" by the Eagles.
Where have you been, Clive?
I've been spit roasting a hooker with your dad.
(# "Hotel California" by the Eagles)
(door bell)
Hello, there. Grand day, isn't it? Now, I'll tell you what it is.
We've been working down the road on the nuclear power station,
and we've got a bit of the old plutonium left over, and I wondered if you'd be interested.
- It's good stuff. - It's weapons-grade, like.
Plutonium? Right. No, no, I don't think we need any plutonium.
We'll give you a good price on it, you know. Good price, wouldn't cheat you.
David? Darling? We don't need any plutonium, do we?
Uh, plutonium? No. No, no, I don't think so.
Ah, right.
Would you know anyone around here who perhaps might be interested, do you think?
Plutonium?
Only, see, we've had it a while now, and sure it's making us feel terrible sick, like.
I tell you what, you might try number 40. He's some sort of scientist, isn't he, darling?
- Number 40, you say? - He's not a scientist, darling. He's a doctor.
Well, we'll give your man a go any road.
Perhaps he can give us something to stop the vomiting.
(vomits)
(laughs)
(vomits)
(laughs)
(# "Oh Home" by Paco Fernandez feat Levitation/Cathy Batistessa)
Oh, darling. Isn't he the loveliest little baby?
(man) Look at his little button nose.
(woman) I know what we should call him. How about Jacoby?
What?
Oh, that's nice. Although I had rather set my heart on "Hugo".
Hugo?
You fucking twat.
Then again, we could name him after my grandfather. Thursby.
You absolute fucking tosser.
They will beat me like a Chipperfield monkey.
- I know what's nice. - Dave. Steve. Chris. Steve. Dave. Anything.
- Hercules. - That's a good idea.
If I want to be a fucking gladiator.
The classical touch is nice, but how about... Archimedes?
How about fucking Gaylord and be done with it?
I'll tell you another name I have always liked. Fenton.
Oh, Christ. Do the maths.
Come on. Engage brain.
No, no, no. Cos then he'd be Fenton Brenton.
Fenton Brenton. Oh, yes.
Well done. You made it. You pair of absolute cocksuckers.
No. I've got it. It's perfect.
- Othello. - Oh, yes. Othello.
- I like that. - (baby cries)
Oh, Othello's excited.
Bless him.
(man) Hi. Are you, uh, looking for the same thing as me, yeah?
Oh, yeah. Mm.
(muffled) Oh, you're big. Mm.
You want it. You want it.
Mm. Mm. Mm.
- (crash) - Shit!
Come on, I'm ready.
(American accent) Hi. You looking for da same ting as me?
(scarily) Hello. You looking for the same thing...? No, that's too sinister.
(upper-class accent) Well, hello. Ding dong. Fancy a gobble?
No, no, no.
Hello, there. Fancy going for a drink some time? Too polite.
On your knees, bitch!
Oh, God, come on, Geoff. Be brave. Be a man.
Hi. Uh...
I've never down this before and frankly I'm a bit nervous,
so just tell me what to do and I'll do it.
Well... you just go over there and piss in the urinal.
- It's easy. - Y-yes, yes. Of course, yes.
Thank you. Sorry.
(zip)
(sniffs)
(disappointed grunt)
(man) Hollywood Pictures presents "The Diary of Anne Frank".
Europe, 1939.
The tiny continent of Europe is overrun by the armies of the Reich.
But in one Amsterdam, Holland, attic
a defiant band of Jews hides from the authorities.
(Irish folk music)
Should we not be keeping the music down?
Us Jews enjoy the craic too much. Another pint of the black stuff, Dermot?
To be sure, Anne. You're a fine-looking filly too.
How's that lucky fella of yours? That Jonny?
(American accent) Guess I could feel my ears burn, honey.
Get your hands off. We're not even married yet.
I need two things before I ship out.
Kiss. And a smoke.
(cat wails)
(English accent) Park outside the apartment.
- But, sir, there's a baby carriage. - I know.
- (Anne sobs) - (door bursts open)
All right, lads. Arrest the bastards.
So, Dermot, have you read any good poetry lately?
Sure, that I have. Your man James Joyce is hard to beat.
(music stops)
So, my little Jewish friends,
let's see if you're quite so feisty by the time you reach Berlin.
(English accent) So, you're the lady who's been causing me so much trouble.
I've had the entire British Reich out looking for you.
Damn you, Hitler. You can lock up our bodies, but you can never lock up our freedom.
- If only Jonny were here. - (crash)
Guess my ears were burning again.
- Jonny. - Jonny.
Kill him.
Argh!
This one's from President Churchill.
Oh, Jonny. But why did you come back?
I guess I needed a light.
Hurrah!
If you would like tickets for six persons, say "Yes" now.
I just want two bloody tickets. Get on with it.
If you would like tickets for five persons, say "Yes" now.
If you would like tickets for four persons, say "Yes" now.
If you would like tickets for three persons, say "Yes" now.
If you would like tickets for one person, say "Yes" now.
Look, I just want to speak to a real fucking person!
I am a real fucking person.
Please hold while we repossess your car to cover the cost of this call.
- Yeah? - Oh, sorry. I'm looking for Monica.
- Yeah, that's me. - No, no. I wanted Monica.
I'm Monica.
But it says "genuine photo".
Yeah, it is.
- Well, it doesn't look like you. - What can I say?
I was really under the impression that I'd be meeting, you know, her.
Well, you have. So want do you want? Oral? Anal? Golden shower? Bondage?
No, no, no. Look. It's just that...
Well, all right. Anal, then.
(# "Sex Born Poison" by Air)
(phone rings)
(grunts)
(yawns)
- Hello? - This is the UDI cinema ticket line.
- What? - Are you alone?
If you are alone, press one.
- What? - Let me check your details.
Your road is Cornwall Terrace. You live at number 17.
You are wearing yellow pyjamas.
You have just put your glasses on.
You've forgotten to lock the upstairs window.
- How do you know all this? - If you are scared, press two.
- Who is this? - If you are scared, press two.
Well, we're gonna miss you, Ivan. 27 years is a long time.
You see, Mr Jennings, I told you I never done it.
Yeah, I know, Ivan.
Now, I think there's a few things we need to give back to you.
One jacket. Brown. Terylene. Unfeasibly wide lapels.
One shirt. Orange. Terylene. Airplane collar.
One pair shoes. Platform.
One pair deely-boppers.
One 7-inch single. "Wig-Wam Bam" by the Sweet.
- Blond one from that died, didn't he? - Oh, no.
One lava lamp. Minus lava.
I'm also authorised to pay you compensation for your 27 years of wrongful imprisonment.
Here, I tell you what, Ivan, it's enough to buy a small house.
What? £280?
(laughs) No, it's more than that, Ivan.
£120,000.
So, what you gonna spend it on, then, Ivan?
Now I can follow Carlisle United in Europe.
Now, I think there's one other thing what you've left behind, Ivan.
Oh, you haven't?
Oh, yes, I have. (laughs)
Da-da!
Oh!
(# "Come" by Eddie Warner)
Hello. I'm Ivan Dobsky.
I'm the Meatsafe Murderer. Only, I never done it. But I said I did.
I had to, otherwise they'd have put me head back down the toilet.
There's something called DNA and he knows I never done it.
I've got £120,000. Can I have Smokie's latest album?
We have The Best Of Smokie on sale.
£399.
I'll take it. What do I play it on?
They're called "CD players".
But they're very expensive.
(# "Come" by Eddie Warner)
Hello. I'm Ivan Dobsky. I'm the Meatsafe Murderer. Only, I never done it.
I can't get me CD player to work and I've spent all of me money.
You poor thing.
Things are so expensive these days.
I wish I was back home in me cell.
I'll tell you what. You seem a bit sad.
How about if you come back with me and I'll make you a nice cup of tea?
Thank you.
You bastard!
She was 73.
Hello again, Mr Jennings. I really enjoyed me day out.
Shut it, scum!
(# "That's Not Really Funny" by Eels)