TAWNY: Previously on Hotwives Of Orlando...
(SCOFFS)
My divorce to Rodney just went through.
I'm just being Phe Phe.
Damn!
To Amanda's sobriety!
ALL: To Amanda's sobriety!
I don't wanna your drama.
That would make a good song.
Yeah! Work that pie.
My number one pet peeve is with other women trying to (BLEEP) my husband.
(CAR ENGINE RUNNING)
VERONICA: Life is sexy, because it's sexy.
Sex, sex.
CRYSTAL: It's easy being a good Christian
when you look like this. Amen.
AMANDA: I'm a living legend
even though most people think I'm dead.
SHAUNA: I'm not a bad person.
I'm just misunderstood by tons of douchebags.
PHE PHE: I speak my mind. And if you can't hear me
you're an (BLEEP).
TAWNY: I don't want to say I'm the hottest hotwife.
But I am, so I will.
Hip are coming in, scoop it... No.
It's just lower half.
Today is the best day of my life.
Show me that shimmy. Go down.
I'm recording a music video for my song,
I Don't Wanna Your Drama.
One, two, three, four.
All right, children, that's enough rehearsal.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Okay, I just need to take my top off.
No, no, no. We're not doing that.
Really? Should I just do cut-outs?
Uh-uh, this is a family video.
Okay? Let's go.
When Phe Phe approached me about recording my own song
I was unsure.
I didn't even know if I could sing.
♪ I don't wanna, your drama ♪
♪ I don't wanna you drama ♪
But it turns out, I am an amazing singer.
The bitch can't sing.
But that's okay because we do it all in post.
I mean can Mariah sing?
Can Christina Aguilera sing?
They can?
♪ Going down in the sauna ♪
That one felt good.
My voice does this cool robotic thing
I didn't even know it could do.
Play it back for us.
♪ I don't wanna your drama ♪
- I sound like a sexy robot. - You do, girl.
♪ Ooh! Let me spit out my gum ♪
♪ Yeah, ooh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I don't wanna your drama ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Go cry to your mama ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't wanna your drama ♪
PHIL: It was great.
They even had a guy that looked like me.
I think this song is kind of a love letter to me.
And Tawny is such a great actress.
She had me convinced
she was actually attracted to Heath.
- (LAUGHS) - ♪ I don't wanna ♪
♪ I don't wanna your drama ♪
♪ What rhymes with drama ♪
♪ Go and drown in a sauna ♪ ♪ Go and drown ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't wanna your drama ♪
Cut, cut!
Excuse me, excuse me.
I am sorry to interrupt this.
This is beautiful, really is.
But I'm gonna need you to sign your contract.
There's the choreographer, producer, craft services.
I'm going to need 50%.
Oh, hell no!
Who did Phe Phe think she was?
Besides the creator and the reason
the entire thing came into being.
I need to speak to my lawyer.
You'll sign it here. Hold on a second.
As Tawny's manager
I knew her calling her lawyer was trouble.
But as Tawny's lawyer
I knew I could probably double my billable hours.
Okay, go ahead.
Phe Phe is trying to steal from me.
I mean, she's trying to take, like, 50%.
Phe Phe wants what's best for you.
If Tawny thinks she's going to cut me out of this video deal
then she's more stupider than I thought.
Yeah. That's a word.
Excuse me.
Oh, hell no. Who do you think you are?
I'm here to deliver a notice of foreclosure to Anthony Meducci.
This some sort of love letter for my husband?
I'm just the person who is supposed to come and tell him
that he's getting foreclosed upon.
You're doing foreclosure on him?
I don't even do that.
Anthony won't even do foreclosure.
He just goes straight to sex.
I'm so sorry. I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm just here to give him this paper.
Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about.
You're playing all innocent.
Look at you in your slut-wear.
How dare you?
He's never going to leave me.
I was sent by the bank to come here.
Oh, your bank. Is that some sort of pimp you have?
I'm married actually.
Well, then I feel sorry for your husband
because you're a whore and a slut
who thinks you can have my husband, you whore.
What's going on here?
Slut brought some love letter for you.
We're not having an affair,
she's evicting us, you idiot.
Oh, Thank God. Oh, Thank God. I'm so sorry.
What "thank God"? You know what this means.
We've got to find a new place.
We're getting a new house?
Oh, sweetie, thank you, thank you.
This time I want two pools, okay?
I don't feel like you can afford that.
Oh, we'll make it work, we always do.
God, you make me want to kill myself.
Aw. I'd die for you too baby.
I can't kiss you with your hand in the way.
Got to move your hand because I can't...
- (SIGHS) - All right.
It's not fair.
Oh. It's not fair.
- (VIDEO GAME SOUNDS) - (VERONICA SOBS)
A tragedy has befallen me.
(BAWLING) Oh, God, no!
My Lover has passed.
They say he overheated.
But I can't imagine how that could have possibly happened.
It's not fair!
No, it's not fair!
You know, anger is the second stage of grief, babe.
There's only three more to go until you're normal again.
Just learned that in health class.
Luckily Phe Phe is a professional taxidermist.
So she preserved my sweet Lover for me.
I mean, look at his face.
He looks just like he did in life.
I was not about to touch a dead dog.
I threw that (BLEEP) away.
I just went to the store and bought a stuffed animal.
And she believed it.
He's always going to be with me.
I'm just happy because I finally have a Lover
who can last forever.
(CHUCKLES)
Because, you know, he's going to be dead forever.
But also like a man.
I'd like him to be able to have his penis hard for a very long time.
No. I'm sorry. Not... (SOBS)
Today, I just, I can't do it. I would do it.
Get it? No. Don't say that.
I mean, you know. It just doesn't feel right today.
Ooh, that's what she said.
No. Stop it. She didn't say that.
Oh, my darling. Oh!
Yay, me!
I'm a lot of fun.
Do what I want. When I want.
How long I want.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
(COUGHS)
All right, ladies, let's get the breath going
with some downward facing dog
Feel the peace.
Do I look like Gwyneth Paltrow?
Yes.
I'm not really into that devil exercise like yoga.
But Tawny invited me over
and I had some really bad news I was excited to tell her.
And now we move into goddess pose.
Embrace tranquility.
So do you know that Phe Phe has a music video coming out?
Wasn't she producing yours?
What is your mouth saying to me right now?
Oh, my God. You didn't know. (GASPS)
Oh, honey, that's so awkward for you.
Tawny, Tawny. I'm telling you this as a friend.
- But Phe Phe... - I already told her, you're too late.
Damn!
Phe Phe, you little bitch.
Positive affirmations, ladies.
I couldn't believe that Phe Phe would do that to me.
I mean, she totally copied me.
Her music video has music
and lyrics and choreography
and dance moves, and mine does too.
♪ Save the drama for Obama ♪
♪ Save that ♪
Phe Phe is going to get a letter from my lawyer.
Who also happens to be Phe Phe.
VERONICA: I know most of you here
knew Lover as a humanitarian
and a philanthropist.
But what you didn't know
is he had a very
playful side too.
You know, yes, I was very upset
that none of the girls showed up for Lover's funeral.
I mean, these are the girls that I love,
that I trust.
That I often hate.
And if the people you hate don't show up
when you're down,
who do you trust?
I couldn't make it to Veronica's dog's funeral
because I had my
I-slept-with-my-husband party the same day.
I was really hurt that none of the girls came.
I mean, it's not easy to have sex with my husband.
I thought my friends would come help me celebrate that.
I wanted to be there for Crystal's
I-just-had-sex-with-my-husband party
but I was having my three-day-sober party on the same day.
Yay, me!
Three days.
I'm sad that no one else could be there but me.
(WHOOPING)
Then again, I'm a lot of fun.
SHAUNA: Of course I fully support Amanda being
sober for three days and I wanted to go to her party.
But I was having a house warming party
for my new home the very same day.
Mommy, why do we have to live in a car?
Shut up, Shayna.
I wasn't trying to spite Shauna getting a new car house.
It's just I had my eyebrow extensions
launch party the same night.
Not one person came to my
I'm-getting-sued-by-Tawny fundraiser.
Not even Tawny, and it was about her.
I just can't believe none of them came to support me.
I thought they were my best friends.
- We're supposed to be friends. - I feel betrayed.
- Don't feel supported. - How dare they!
Bitches!
(SOBBING)
We were all really hurt when we couldn't attend each other's events.
But, since all the ladies weren't as upset as I was,
I thought we should all spend time in one room
where no one can get away.
So we are going on vacation!
- Ooh! Sexy. - Ugh!
I was so excited when
Phe Phe invited me on vacation.
Some time off from all my volunteer work that I do
for Lap Dances for Veterans was just what I needed.
Hey, hon, there won't be any room for my stuff in the suitcase.
Wait, you're coming too?
I'll just grab the other suitcase.
But what's Heath supposed to use?
Sorry bro, you snooze, you lose.
I'll just grab a garbage bag.
(LAUGHS)
I wanted to go on vacation with the others,
but TJ says, vacations are sinful.
It's Jewish.
So what If they want to go to a tropical island?
I don't walk on sand unless the Lord's carrying me.
You know, one set of foot prints.
It sure as hell ain't going to be my foot prints.
If I'm on vacation, God's carrying me. I worked hard.
AMANDA: I didn't realize I probably should not drink
to celebrate my sobriety.
And I honestly thought that I should go to rehab.
Then I had a very long conversation
with the producers of the show
and we both agreed that I should just
go on the vacation.
Rehab can wait.
Rehab's not going anywhere.
Go for the vacation.
You're fine.
Okay, I've gathered you all here for our secret vacation.
Because we all decided to turn over a new leaf with each other,
I even invited Rodney.
- TAWNY: Go on, go on, get in there. - PHE PHE: Okay, okay, okay.
You wanna know where Phe Phe is taking you?
- Yes! - (WHOOPING)
Only to the most glamorous,
most exciting...
Vegas.
Most tropical destination in the world.
Hawaii!
We are going to...
- Orlando! - (GROUP CHEERS)
Oh, yes!
Orlando?
With all the stuff we've been going through lately,
I just thought a stay-cation was the best idea.
Plus, I'm not spending any money on those bitches.
So drop these bags, children.
You are staying at Casa-de-Phe Phe.
Yes.
Ah! I'm so excited that we're vacationing in Orlando.
I mean we're rich, we can go anywhere we want in the world
so it makes sense we should vacation in the place we love the most.
I know we have not been getting along lately.
And I do not want any drama this weekend.
- No drama. - (ALL CLAMORING)
None.
We're not getting into that this weekend
because I have invited a very special guest.
- No. - PHE PHE: Yes.
So please, help me welcome
motivator, self-help guru...
- Phil Jackson. - PHE PHE: Wrong.
Pyramid scheme entrepreneur...
Cliff Bonadenturo.
Whoa! Back it up. Back it up.
Yeah, look out. Whoo!
That's what I'm talking about.
Let's get motivated!
And uh, it's not a pyramid scheme.
It's a fun and easy way to sell my books and make money from home.
That's my bad.
- So, you guys ready to bond? - (GROUP CHEERS)
Hell, yeah, I been waiting for this moment all my life.
I'd love me some bonding. I choose you and I choose you.
Couple swap. You want in on this too?
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not that kind of bonding. It's different.
This is the kind where you dig deep and expose yourself.
Peel back the layers and later, later...
Start attending my seminars regularly and buying my vitamins.
(GROUP MURMURS AGREEABLY)
- Can I ask you a question? - Uh, sure.
Uh, will there be time for me to sew my eyebrow extensions later?
There will be. There will be time for that.
Now I know there have been some issues with this group.
Some miscommunication. Some, hurt feelings.
Some drama.
- (GROUP ARGUES) - TAWNY: No, no drama. I will not have drama.
CLIFF: Okay, the point... the point, the point is...
We're going to work through that and I'm going to help you,
and we're going to start right now. Are you ready?
(CHEERING)
Whoa!
Do it.
Oh, oh, he's on the move.
Honesty is the best policy
because the truth will set you free
because you can't handle the truth.
If I could have sex with any of the hot wives, it'd probably be all of them.
Okay first, we're going to start out with some trust falls.
All right? Partner up, tell an absolute truth
and then your partner has to catch you.
It just seems so stupid.
I'm not really a therapy person.
I'm more of like a punch someone in the face
until they feel terrible and you feel great person.
This sounds stupid. Let's just do that thing again
where all the wives pretend to be prostitutes.
People, I'm afraid I'll have to say, once again.
There's going to be absolutely nothing sexual going on today.
- You told me... - SHAUNA: What?
I don't know why we're here then I'm out of here.
Don't worry. He just had a bad trust-fall accident
when he was a kid.
You know what, I'll go first.
Great!
Billy, I lied to you about my age.
I'm not 23.
I lied about my age too. I'm not 18 yet.
Ooh!
Okay all right. That's fine, that's...
Excuse me. That's really fine.
- Come on. - Oh, no, no Phil, Phil.
This will be fun, this will be fun. Come on. Truth.
(SIGHS)
Lay it on me.
I'm screwing your wife.
(ALL GASP)
I know you are.
I mean, I pay the bills man.
I know you are overcharging us for the personal training.
And you are forgiven! Nuggies for you!
Now fall down. Come on, man, into my big arms.
There we go. There we go.
Even though we're apart I'm glad Phe Phe invited me to the stay-cation.
We need to communicate better.
I had sex with the housekeeper.
I know.
I also got a hand job from your sister.
Okay. Well, you know, we don't have to tell each other everything.
I also got a bunch of kids out there. I'm pretty sure.
I mean, a bunch of them and they are way out there.
Orlando, Atlanta, Chicago...
You know how I am about condoms.
I swear to God. I'm allergic to latex.
Can't wear that (BLEEP). You know what I'm saying?
Fall, fall.
- Forgiveness. - Wow!
Who's next? Alli, Alli, come here. Time to tell some truth.
Okay, I guess the truth is that I want to be a better person.
You know, I'm tired of gossiping and the social climbing and...
I mean, the truth is, I think I hate myself
more than anyone else could ever, hate me.
Aw, Alli. Don't say that, okay, Alli.
I hate you more than you could ever hate yourself.
Tawny, thank you!
You have to stop beating yourself up.
Learn to love yourself.
And you'll flourish.
You're right. You're right. Thank you so much.
And just so you know, Phe Phe asked
Deepak Chopra to come here first
and also Tony Robbins and after they said no
you were kind of last on the list.
I just wanted you to know that because I am your good friend.
Whee!
Okay, well, you just keep being you.
I can't help it.
Who's next?
I'm next.
Guess that just leaves me.
I'll go after.
SHAUNA: It was time for Tawny and I to bury the hatchet.
We need to start over.
For the tenth time.
This week.
Tawny, here's the truth.
- You're my best friend. - God damn it.
And I'm sorry I pushed you away.
I trust you to catch me.
Not so fast.
Girl I love you so much. You are my best friend.
You should be the one that's trusted. Now catch me.
No, no, no. Okay.
But see, you're more trustworthy than I am,
so I think you should catch me.
See, I am more of the kind of catchy type. Here I come.
No, no, you're copying me. I was falling first.
(BOTH ARGUING)
I'm falling. Catch me.
Guys, guys, guys calm down.
Oh, God.
What did you say?
Nothing. He didn't say anything.
I just said calm down.
I will not calm down!
(SCREAMS)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Something happened to Phil.
TAWNY: Phil?
Phil?
Oh, I feel better.
Phil.
Phil. I think he's dead.
Are you serious? Are you smiling?
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, dear God. Phil.
What am I going to do without Phil?
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sad.
(LAUGHING) I'm so, so, so sad.
My beloved husband is dead.
Pull the plug. Pull the plug.
He's not plugged into anything.
Good.
- PHE PHE: It's going to be okay. - Phil! (SOBS)
I thought that went great.
- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -