I love his Michael Caine. He's not that good.
I think you need to be doing live performance. Right.
Ladies and gentlemen, Martin Hurdle.
Martin...
do you love her?
I love her as much as anyone else I've ever been out with.
Oh, my God.
Will you marry me?
Yes, I'll marry you.
You will need to convert and you'll have to get circumcised.
On my penis?
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
So, that's four grand for the venue. Minimum 40 guests, £90 a head.
Photographer, message booth...
What?
Where people leave us video messages. Flowers, DJ.
It's going to cost that much.
15 grand?!
Yeah, but that's for everything. Except the dress.
Well, we'll just have to get a loan.
No, Martin, my Dad'll pay for everything.
As long as you become Jewish.
Yeah, this whole circumcision thing, it's a bit drastic.
It's such a small thing, Martin.
I want a proper wedding. It's every girl's dream.
This is going to end up best part of 20 grand.
Well, you have to think, don't you? How much is your foreskin worth?
Is it worth 20 grand?
First impressions are incredibly important, aren't they?
So here we go.
China is a repressive regime
that snoops on their own people.
We know this cos we bugged their phones.
Has anybody got an iPhone?
Yeah! They're made in sweatshops in China. Yeah.
Imagine asking Siri about that.
I'm sorry, I don't know anything about human rights.
Sorry if that offends any Chinese people, I'm just being Siri.
Ha, that might be a bit racist, but...
Do we have any married couples in tonight?
Yeah. Huh?
Cos, I'm about to get married soon to a lovely lady
down in the audience there.
Whoo!
And I'm about to have my stag do this weekend.
a very modern stag do, it's at a spa hotel.
It's her idea.
Anyway, I'm probably going to have to have a massage.
Now, there's one thing that all men dread whilst having a massage
and that's getting aroused.
But maybe I can use my voices to try and stay in control.
Don't get a stiffy.
Think about something sad, something very wistful.
It's too late now! She's down by the thighs!
Stupid boy. Stay in control.
Oh, do you mind?
Something's popped up.
Thank you very much. I'm Martin Hurdle, you've been great.
Thank you.
He's good isn't he?
Yes, he is.
I'm glad he's making an honest woman of you.
He's a lucky man.
Oh, is he? Why'd you dump me then?
Harriet, come on.
I hate it when stand-ups do impressions.
It's like the sinking feeling you get
when a comedian comes on the stage with a guitar, times a million.
Jesus.
And then he goes onto say that that Siri joke is racist.
I was never comfortable with that. bloody Harriet's idea. Mm.
I'm going to drop that. "Crowbars in impressions"?
Yeah, well, I got some really bad eBay feedback this week, Martin.
Kingsley, my agent, reckons I can start branching out,
doing bigger venues and corporate gigs and that.
He said that?
Well, his ventriloquist dummy said it, but it's the same thing.
That lot are so cheesy, Martin. It's going to your head, this.
No, it's not.
I thought you were going to bed to read anyway.
My book's run out of battery.
Oh, couldn't have said that a few years ago, could ya?
Progress.
Ah, I'll stick that down in me stand-up observation list.
Can I come on your stag do, Martin?
Need a bit of girlie pampering.
No, you can't.
Oh, come on, mate, don't matter about all the traditional rules. I'm your best mate.
No, you can't, cos Harriet says you're not allowed.
Oh, did she now?
Right, I'm going to bed, got to see my rabbi in the morning.
How's all that going?
Yeah, good, I like learning about another culture.
Is she learning about your culture?
What culture?
Well, our culture. Sunday dinner and that?
Can't really think of anything else.
Morris dancing?
Mm. Hot cross buns.
Bonfire Night, Pancake Day.
Red Nose Day.
That thing where you chase the cheese down the hill. Mm.
Did we say Pancake Day?
Go on, one more, just one more time then you can go.
Now, according to my papers, all of the Jewish families
in the area are accounted for apart from the Dreyfuses.
Fuck you, I don't know anything.
Well, I have heard the rumours and I love rumours.
Facts can often be diverted, but rumours,
whether true or not, can be so enlightening.
Jackie Mason. Just one more time.
I have enough money to last the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Woody Allen.
My one big regret in life is that I'm not someone else,
like Mel Brooks.
Do him, do him.
As long as the world is turning and spinning,
we're going to be dizzy and we're going to make mistakes.
You've done your homework.
This circumcision thing, is there any way around it?
No.
OK.
No, over there.
Do you love her?
Why's everyone ask me that?
It's happened so quick and you're making big sacrifices.
Well, if I have to make a few sacrifices to give Steven
a proper home with two parents, then...
He's 19, Mart, he ain't a kid.
Anyway, families ain't all they're cracked up to be.
Mine are pissing me off. As soon as I got me injury pay-out,
they're all turning up with their violins. Ha! Want money, do they?
Yep. Being rich, I think it's more trouble than it's worth.
You know, it's not like I can run away either.
I mean I could, but me lawyer recommends I do the wheelchair thing a bit longer.
He's great, you know, he's got me loads more dough.
Everyone's after money these days. It's sad.
Here, what was it you wanted to ask me?
Nothing, just wanted to invite you to the wedding.
Ah, cool. Is it going to be a big wedding then?
Looks like it. Mazel tov!
What?
Dinner won't be long.
So, this is our traditional Sunday lunch.
Yeah. Had it before, Martin.
So, you're a body language expert, eh?
Can you tell when someone's lying?
Oh, yeah, most of the time there are some giveaways.
When she lies she touches her necklace. I don't!
Well, words account for only 7% of communication.
Body language accounts for 55%.
Oh.
So, let's see the ring..
Well, you've seen it before cos it's a family heirloom.
Yeah, I know, but I want to see it on.
Oh, that looks lovely.
I'm glad it's finally being used.
That's been with the Hurdles for many, many years.
Family heirloom? We haven't got any family heirlooms.
Martin's having his foreskin cut off, Marjory.
They're talking about this ring.
It's been in the family a long time, Mum. Remember?
Your memory playing up, Nan?
Cor, I'm really looking forward to the stag do.
The only heirlooms this family's got is a Charles and Diana mug.
OK, there's a lot of interesting body language going on here, guys.
You said you found that ring in a drain.
What?
Mum, remember?
I told you about the engagement ring.
Oh, yes, I remember now.
Yeah, that ring, oh, that's been in the family years.
OK, so everyone's lying, then.
Well... You're really good at this body language stuff.
I mean, you've cracked this case straightaway.
It's a beautiful ring, love.
Now, you're allowed to eat beef, aren't you, Harriet?
It's Taste The Difference organic.
Yeah, thanks.
Yes, it's pork we don't eat.
You ate it yesterday,
when you come round to brief us on your ring story.
Bloody hell, you remember some things don't ya?
You wearing your stage clothes in real life now, then?
No, I just like 'em.
You look a bit like a magician.
You wouldn't understand.
Anyway, soon someone will have to carry my bags for me.
Why, you got a wasting disease?
No.
There's not many of us, are there?
Well, two of me best mates are women, and don't forget
Harriet's brother's coming, too.
What's he like? Dunno, never met him.
Bet he's here to spy on us.
Oh, it's not too bad, I suppose.
Look, Harriet's paid for everything.
We get champagne, massages, we've all got our own rooms.
This is how stag dos are now.
Anyway, I'm glad to get away. She's really pissed off about that ring.
Is that her brother there? Must be. Glenn?
Martin! Martin!
Yeah.
Wicked. What have you come as?
Just me normal... This is my dad, Neil.
All right. All right.
Shall we go in?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's have it! Come on.
Fucking blinding, eh? What a gaff.
It's got a bell!
OK, ground rules - what happens on tour stays on tour, yeah?
Yes! Well, it's a spa hotel and it's a Sunday.
Oh, look, there's a steam museum.
Hi, guys, welcome to Hydrospa. Do you have a reservation?
Hang on, let me pick up the parts of my gaydar, which just exploded!
I can see you lads are going to be a handful.
Sorry, is this the New Forest?
Yes. What was wrong with the old one? Ha!
I might use that one.
Yeah, we're the Hurdle party. It's my stag do.
He's my new bro-in-law. Well, aren't you lucky!
So it's just three rooms booked, is that right?
Three? Harriet only booked three?
You're all right to share with me, aren't you, Neil?
Yeah, or I could share with Glenn.
Yeah.
No, you've just met Glenn. You're MY best man.
My whole house is done out in IKEA stuff, and the good shit,
like Hemnes, Ektorp, Trendig. None of that Billy shit.
And I don't build that shit meself. I get it delivered and built for me.
You can get that if you pay a bit extra. Is that an iPod Nano?
Yeah. In a waterproof arm case. I love technology.
I'm what they call an early adopter.
As soon as it's in Argos I've got it.
Martin hates technology. He does stand-up about how it's all built in China with no human rights.
Yeah, I heard you do some political shit. I like it.
I'm pretty heavily into feminism meself.
You're a feminist? Yeah, big time.
I've been writing to the hot one out of Pussy Riot for months.
You getting in, Neil?
I always wait an hour after eating before getting into water.
Actually, my shrink's told me to take risks.
Fuck it!
Yay! Live on the edge, dude!
Just had a really good sports massage.
I might try the hot stones therapy tomorrow.
There's shots there, Mr H. We're getting right on it.
Better catch up!
Right, Martin, um...
could I have a word?
Yeah.
Your mum wanted us to have a little talk this weekend.
Oh, God, sounds like when you told me about sex.
I hope you know all about that by now!
Gets better with age, you know.
Oh, Dad, please.
No, we just want to make sure you're doing the right thing
for the right reasons. I am.
Your mum's been speaking to Steven by e-mail about this marriage,
about you trying to make a family an' all.
Even he seems to think you might be going about things a bit wrong.
Right, so he doesn't want me to get married either?
This circumcision... I mean, Glenn's just had a BLT and a pork pie!
They're not strict Jews, are they?
Dad, please.
Harriet and I are getting married. I just get the feeling that
some people don't like me turning my life around.
That's not it at all. WE love you, son.
Sorry, you sound weird. We do love you!
No, the chair's making you sound weird.
Just talk to Steven, OK? Uuuuggghhh...
Right, we don't have long. My mate fancies ya, he really likes ya.
You're divorced, he's divorced.
How long did I do?
28 seconds.
Oh, ages. I like taking these risks. Yeah.
I'm going to leave you alone with Pauline for a minute, all right?
I'm going to go over there.
Glenn says you work for the newspapers.
Print media, yeah.
Neil's having it off! He's in there having it off with a lady we met.
Shit, I need to get in there. I need me laptop.
What for? A bit of internet banking?
No, I need to FaceTime my son.
You can't knock. They're having sex.
It's the last chance I get. He's going into the outback.
I really need to talk to him.
Who's he got in there? Serena Williams?
Nah, I think that's Neil's noise. Text him.
What do you say?
"Are you in our room?"
"Yeah, in room making love."
Told ya! Oh.
Ask him how he's texting.
"Doggy-style."
Well, tell him you need to get in there.
"I'm going to finish up now. Smiley face."
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
What is it?
"Where's Glenn?"
Oh. What do you think of that Nigel Lord?
He's all right. My sister must have a thing for impressionists. What?
Well, they used to date, didn't they, before he dumped her?
I thought her getting you to sign with his agent was like revenge,
but it's all worked out for the best, innit?
They used to date? For how long? Well, about six months or something.
I thought he was a bit cheesy.
She never told me this. Shit.
Am I in trouble? No.
Do you think your dad's insisted on this circumcision
to put me off marrying Harriet?
Yeah, I think that might be part of it.
I wouldn't take it personally, though.
No-one's good enough for him, not even me.
Sorry, couldn't find her pants.
No, I am happy for you and I do like Harriet. I just think,
you know, it is a bit quick
and I want you to be sure that you're doing the right thing.
OK. Right, thanks.
Better go cos I'm on a stag do for a wedding nobody believes in. Dad...
You better get to your beach party, hadn't ya?
All right, Dad, I'll talk to you later, yeah?
Huh, Glenn done a fart!
He done a fart down the phone and then he hung up.
He's so random! Yeah.
I've got some cigars.
Well, it's meant to be a celebration, innit?
I've actually got something a bit stronger.
Oh, got a bit of coke?
No, just weed.
Oh, it's a shame it's not something stronger.
Hey, drinks!
Here we go.
Cheers.
Oh, you can't smoke that in here, I'm afraid.
No? Not going to smoke it, I'm going to eat it.
It's not a real spliff.
Martin, you're going to be mashed. Have to skin up again now.
You're going to regret that.
Hello, it's me,
back on the radio, on wolf-back,
setting off to fight the horizon.
I cried my whole face down the drain.
Answers on a postcard and you could win a little wooden boy.
I'm so high I giggled my own skull up.
The time's gone all bendy. I don't like it.
I want it to go back in a straight line.
Harriet went out with Nigel Lord?
No, that's why she goes so weird around him.
That's all my friends, my parents, even my son
and Harriet's father.
Why does nobody believe in me?
I'll fucking drown.
The audience love you, ha! You're going to be a star.
That fuckin' Nigel Lord come up to me, not even a made fuckin' guy.
From now on be kissing my fuckin' ass.
Are you OK?
Yeah.
It's just something I ate.
I'm in me own room, I've got a bowl of fruit, a TV. It's great.
Martin, you're having part of your body cut off.
Yeah, but I've got Sky Movies.
Where's Harriet anyway?
Shopping for the dress.
What, she's not coming to see ya?
She's meant to be. Probably just caught up.
This might be her now.
Hello.
Ha, good one, Glenn.
That was her brother.
Martin, this is mental.
Look, Harriet's dad just wanted to put me off,
but I won't be pushed around any more. I'm doing what I want.
Here... have a look at this.
It's what food I want when I come round.
It's well posh.
Might have the steak - a little treat.
Do some voices, Martin.
What? You never want me to do voices.
I do now. Do Christopher Walken.
What would he say about all this?
Hey, what the heck are you doing in here,
getting part of your manhood cut off for your fiancee's father?
What are you, a fuckin' pussy?
Mm.
Or maybe I'll have the salmon. I might want something light.
Oh, Harriet's not going to get here in time.
Martin, where's your dignity?
Come on, let's go, I'm getting you out of here. Come on.
What?
I need to tell you something.
What?
I think you're making a mistake.
Not you as well?
I can't believe you're going through with this.
Hang on a minute. I'm literally being pushed around.
Stop. What?
Stop the trolley, I want to get off. What you doing?
I am keeping my dignity.
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