You should leave the agency. There's not room for two impressionists.
I'm one friend away from being homeless!
How's it going with Harriet anyway? Really good, actually.
I can't believe you two are seeing each other!
I am not dating a site maintenance person.
So get in there, take control of your life.
What's we found?
Rrrrr... Precioussssss!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
It's perfect.
Now I'm going to do something I should have done years ago.
Everything all right? You sounded very forceful on the phone.
Yeah. Jean, I need to ask you something.
OK.
You know there's a right way of doing things, you know,
tradition and all of that?
But when it comes down to it, life isn't like the movies.
What the hell are you talking about, Martin?
Look.
Martin! Yeah.
Jean...
..will you do me the honour...
..of being my best man?
I'm going to ask Harriet to marry me.
What? Your best man?
Yeah, you're my best mate.
You want to marry Harriet?
Yeah, I want to give Steven a stable family.
I mean, I'm 40.
If we get married now and have a baby in two years
I'll be 60 by the time it's 18, which isn't bad.
Please.
No, Martin.
What's the matter, don't you like Harriet?
Your reasons for getting married are stupid.
Harriet's turned my blooper reel of a life around!
I'm not a loser any more!
Where did you get that diamond?
I found it in a drain.
You'll always be a loser, Martin.
But not as big a loser as me.
Is it the speech? You don't have to make a speech!
Ooh, hang on, who's that knocking on my door?
It's only Chris bloody Eubank! Do you remember him?
Hello, I'm Chris Eubank.
I'm a boxer, I'm a fighter, I'm a warrior.
I once got battered in the ring. Not that ring!
Whoo, saucy!
He is good, isn't he? Oh, you're better. Yeah.
You getting any ideas?
Yeah, I don't want to be anything like that.
You don't have to have a table with wigs and glasses but, I mean,
everyone's laughing!
He went there. He's in a neck brace now.
I'm not going to do my voices.
I prefer the observational stand-up guy from before.
I'm going to do that, you know, a bit of a message.
That's brave.
I am brave.
By brave I mean stupid.
I've told you,
you're only supposed to turn your bloody phones off!
I love his Michael Caine.
It's not that good.
Chapter nine, Big Steps.
When I first got sent the script for Horse Brass 2, I thought
it was a load of bloody nonsense.
But Shakira, my beautiful wife,
reckoned I needed to get a few bob in the 'ouse so I said I'd do it.
My character had to save the entire world using nothing
but a bit of nous and his bionic chum Charleston.
I created a huge back-story and did a load of little drawings
in crayon, which Shakira thought were really rather very nice.
In fact, she cried.
But there was one problem,
half of my scenes had to be filmed in the Pacific Ocean.
And there is one thing I always specify in my contracts -
I will not get my legs wet.
I don't like it! Sh, Martin, it's ringing.
Yes, it worked. Hello?
Steven, how's the trip going?
Ah, it's amazing. It's good.
It's a bit chaotic still.
Hi, Steven, this is Harriet!
All right, Harriet! Thank you for your e-mail.
You feeling better about it all now?
Yeah, I was just homesick the other day.
I miss my mum and I missed you.
I miss you too. We'll all be together when you get back.
How's it working with your new agent?
All right! Yeah, he's got me doing stand-up.
Really? Impressions and stand-up can be cheesy.
Yeah, I know. That's what I think.
You're not going to run away again?
No, he's going to smash it out the park!
Ah, there go the beeps.
Oh, get yourself another phone card. We'll pay for it.
Ah, OK. Cheers. Bye.
Bye! Bye.
Ah. You'd make a good mum.
I only made you a packed lunch.
Oh, don't get that all over your face, we're nearly here now.
I meant Steven, not me.
Right.
Show me that winner body language. Be Gandolfini.
I'm a fucking winner, a go-getter!
Now siddown and shut the fuck up!
Ooh, blimey!
Maybe Mr Gandolfini wants to come out to play tonight!
Bit weird now he's dead.
Doesn't bother me! Slept with Peter O'Toole last night.
Yeah.
So come down and try out one of our lovely beds.
You'll love it, actually.
That's great.
Won't Bill Nighy be pissed off?
Probably, but you can't copyright a voice.
Are these beds any good? I don't know.
They're probably shit if they can't afford the real Bill Nighy.
We haven't got to sleep on them, have we? Ha!
Ah, enjoying my work?
You all right, Nigel?
No. I'm doing backstreet voice mail messages for cash in hand.
You don't do Bill Nighy.
I know. I'm joking.
Hey, come on, we've all had a drink.
I haven't. It's ten o'clock in the morning. You OK?
What did you think of my set last night? The audience liked it. Idiots.
I had 'em eating out of the palm of my hand.
I hear you're giving it a go.
Yeah, Kingsley wants me to develop my confidence,
be a bit more like you. Couldn't walk a mile in my shoes.
I don't think anybody could.
I'm not going to do any voices anyway.
I've written some observational stuff.
You're doing stand-up but not impressions? Why?
I think it's a bit cheesy.
Well, what are you going to wear?
Well, just this. I'm just going to be me.
They'll eat you alive!
Are you here to do a voiceover?
No, I've just come here for the free food.
Right, Keith?
Hello, mate. Hiya.
Guest pass. Ah.
What? "California's winged giants saved from extinction."
It's about eagles.
Ah. I don't read the papers any more. Drives you mad, that stuff.
This is nice, isn't it?
Changed my whole life. I'm here all the time.
To me, this place is like a church, except it's always bloody busy.
Never heard of someone being prescribed exercise.
Oh, yeah, my shrink reckons it's more effective than tablets
for anxiety and depression!
I must admit, I've never felt better.
Although I am on tablets too. Yeah, you look really well.
Yeah, would never have got into this top a couple of weeks ago.
Yeah, couple more weeks you'll get that on without a struggle at all!
Well, it's all part of the work-out. Let's use these bad boys!
Harriet reckons the rowing machines are best for cardio.
She would say that. Huh?
It's middle-class, cardio rowing, innit? Nah, this is what you want.
You and Harriet got off on the wrong foot.
She's been really good to me. Never use the ones on the end!
More people use 'em, they get more sweat on 'em - more germs.
Count three in should be good.
So you feel a lot more relaxed, do you? Oh, yeah, very laid-back now.
Oh, sweating already!
Ha.
I'm going to ask Harriet to marry me.
You fucking idiot.
I was going to ask you to be best man! Oh, yeah, I'll do that.
My shrink will want me to do some public speaking.
Right.
Lot of pressure. Look at my heart rate, 180.
What's the calculation for maximum heart rate?
220 minus your age. I should be dead!
I'm having a heart attack! Neil, you're fine.
They say if you're able to sing you're not working out hard enough,
but if you're not able to talk you're working out too hard
and you're talking so you're fine!
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover I'm a child, I'm a mother. ♪
There you go, take it up a notch.
♪ I'm a sinner, I'm a saint I do not feel ashamed! ♪
Take the EXERCISE up a notch.
Oh, right.
I think I've got a gym high.
Yeah?
Yeah. I don't feel good.
When are you going to pop the question then? Today.
Come on, I'll race ya.
Where?
Cor, my muscles grow fast!
One doesn't walk into Mordor,
one works it, girlfriend.
Check out the swagger!
Did you know Sir Ian McKellen's got a really big penis?
He had to do a nude scene in King Lear once
and he got his knob out, it broke the fourth wall.
Are you nervous about your stand-up debut tonight, Martin?
Yeah, but I've written some good stuff.
I still think you're brave not doing voices.
I am brave. Thinking about getting a tattoo.
Of what?
An eagle.
Yeah. I identify with them.
Winged giants soaring above it all.
Going extinct.
If you were an eagle, Martin, you'd walk everywhere.
I'll get a tattoo. I don't care.
And I'm Jewish, we're not meant to get 'em.
It's not the pain, it's just that they're for ever.
Yeah, but you won't be here for ever. I mean, you're already 40.
You're not an eagle, you're a chicken.
Really?
Ahhh!
I'm sorry, Kermy-Wermy!
You don't think I could be brave or spontaneous, do you?
Harriet?
What?
I'm down here.
Oh, wow, very spontaneous. Get up.
No, this isn't the spontaneous thing. I'm down on one knee.
I'm going to ask you something.
Martin! Oh, my God! Well, ask me then!
Well, will you marry me?
Dominant posture. What?
Dominant posture. Make me say yes.
It's hard to be dominant. I'm kneeling before you.
It is by its very nature submissive.
Do you understand what's happening here? Yes.
What, yes, you do or yes, you...? No, no, yes, I'll marry you!
Bloody hell. My God! Ah, this is crazy!
Is this a diamond?
Yeah. Hah!
It's a Hurdle family heirloom.
Ohhh...
I wanted to do this over a romantic meal but I thought, no,
be spontaneous, do it down the docks.
I can't believe we're getting married. I can have a big wedding.
Well... My dad will pay for it.
You'll have to convert but... I'll just have to tell my friends.
Convert?
Yeah, to Judaism.
You just have to meet the rabbi a couple of times a week, I think.
OK, well, I want to do what it takes.
I mean, you really get on with Steven and it'll be good for us too.
Let's take a photo for my Instagram.
All my loser friends on the shelf are going to be so gutted.
Is Jean your friend on Instagram? Yep.
No, let's take another one. You look really worried in that one.
Do I? Yeah!
Oh, we're getting married! Yeah.
Let's go and get tattoos now. What, now?
Yeah, yeah. We're going to get tattoos, we're going to get married.
This is Instagram gold! Come on!
You OK? Yeah.
Ah.
How long has that been?
20 minutes. Nearly done, though, then it's Miss Piggy's turn.
Yeah, I'm seriously impressed, Martin.
I think I had you pegged all wrong!
Proposal, stand-up, tattoos! You're a total bad-ass.
Yeah. There you go.
Yeah.
It's really good! Yeah. Oh. Hello, Dad.
No.
Hello!
Did you tell him I've already got mine?
Yes! He just doesn't want me to have one.
It's a Jewish thing. Can't piss him off!
We need him to pay for the wedding!
If you're not going to get yours,
out of context this might look a bit odd.
It's not just the tattoo, it's cos Miss Piggy's a pig.
Pigs aren't kosher.
Yeah, they're unclean animals.
Miss Piggy's not unclean! She's glamorous, if anything!
I can't do it, Martin, I'm sorry.
Also, my dad said you should have asked his permission to marry me first.
Really? Yeah! I mean, he's fine but just call him later.
Also, there's one other thing, you will need to convert
and you'll have to get circumcised.
Circumcised?
On my penis?
Right, so it's just Kermit today then, yeah?
Sorry, yeah.
Sorry, Kermy.
We're getting married! Oh, yeah!
Ow! Oh.
Circumcised...
Still annoyed at you.
Nervous about tonight, so I had to use the toilet.
Harriet's here. Martin, have you left a poo-ghost in there?
I can't go when she's here!
Oh, so you come up here and use mine instead!
You used to come down and use mine when Neil was here!
We're comfortable around each other, aren't we?
Yeah, we are.
I seen your happy news.
Yeah? What do you think?
Honestly?
I think you don't know each other well enough,
and I think you've got a daft idea of creating a family
and stability for Steven.
I think you're having a crisis cos you're 40.
Ow!
I've got an agent, I'm doing stand-up
and I've got this tattoo - it's not a crisis!
You're still coming tonight, right? Yeah, I am.
Martin...
do you love her?
I love her as much as anyone else I've ever been out with.
Once we get married that will sort itself out.
But until then you'll just do an impression of a happily married man?
Just do me one favour.
That ring, don't tell her I found it in a drain.
That's all I need from you.
It's a family heirloom. Had it for years, apparently.
Waiting for the right person.
It's beautiful, Harriet.
My psychiatrist thinks we should give it another go.
Mm, that's a good chat-up line, Neil.
How's it going with the shrink?
Brilliant. She even bought one of my paintings.
It's going to be appearing in a textbook she's writing.
Well done... I think.
Seeing anyone? Nah.
Oh, God, it's Martin! Here he is.
He's new on the scene and the stress has turned him grey overnight,
so put your hands together in prayer for Martin Hurdle!
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
Uh, hello. Everybody having a good time?
Yeah.
Good. I'm just going to do some observational stuff,
so, yeah...
Ah, the lights are bright up here, aren't they?
You don't really notice it when you're down in the audience.
That's not it, I haven't started yet.
Hey, oh, we got any readers in tonight?
Everyone read, yeah?
Do you have this?
You know when somebody recommends you a book, do you...
Have you ever had this?
And you start reading the book, but you can't stop thinking about
the person who lent it to you
and it kind of ruins the book,
and they just keep popping up in your head.
Anyone have that?
Look at the way he's standing. It's so weak!
I do that!
Oh, thank you, Jean.
You know that thing...
when you open a dishwasher in the middle of the wash?
It's a bit shocking, isn't it?
It's like you've walked in on the crockery having a shower,
and you're like, "Oh, sorry, sorry,"
and you close it really quickly and the fork's like, "Oh!"
Come on, Martin!
No-one's got a dishwasher here.
It makes me wonder what it would be like...
if the fork had the voice of Al Pacino.
Hey, do you mind, I'm trying to get a shower here!
Hoorah!
The casserole dish sounds like Morgan Freeman and that's like...
Well, I'd like to say
that the economy wash was the right choice, but it wasn't.
I've got food cooked onto me
that will only shift on the pots-and-pans wash.
Oh, I'm a little teapot... in the dishwasher. Ooh!
I'm a mug at the very back
of the deepest, darkest recesses of the dishwasher.
She's asleep.
Kermit's in Sesame Street as well.
Was he? Yeah, he was.
It's like Jesus is in the Koran.
Yeah, it's just like that. Is he?
But he hasn't got any superpowers.
He's just a normal bloke like Batman.
But Jesus was nice, wasn't he? He was Christian.
Not going to go in their book and show off.
Saving that for his book, The Bible!
Jesus was Jewish, not Christian.
Well, you didn't know about all that
till you started looking into becoming Jewish.
Why Kermit again?
It's a sex game they have.
Martin's Kermit and Harriet's Miss Piggy. Ew!
It's not a sex game, it's a cute thing we do!
Told you that in confidence.
What's the first dance going to be, Manamana?
Well, Jean, marriage is a big Kermit-ment.
Sh! All right, guys, this is my life you're laughing at.
I can't believe you have to get circumcised.
Yeah, I know.
Her dad's been really nice about it,
but I still have to get part of my penis cut off.
You know what,
it's a shame you didn't get Kermit tattooed on your foreskin!
Kill two birds with one stone!
Yeah, all right, guys.
You don't have to go through with all this, Martin.
I've always said honesty is the best policy,
and I honestly think you can't get out of this now.
Harriet said I shouldn't surround myself with such negative people.
Blimey, what's that?
That is a present from my fiancee.
Why are you so against him getting married?
I never cared what Martin did or anything,
but now he's engaged it's like I've suddenly got this feeling.
I don't want him to get married.
I want him to be stuck on the shelf for me so much
that it's made me sort of fancy him.
Jean, people don't normally say those kind of things out loud.
I really meant it when I got down on one knee.
Now you lot have given me doubts.
I don't know what I think. Martin, we're your friends.
It's our job to make you doubt and question yourself.
What do you think of this outfit?
I think you've gone to the dark side of light entertainment.
It's a bit cheesy. What would Steven say?
I got a few laughs tonight.
I think it's all right!
When in Rome!
Ladies and gentlemen -
Martin Hurdle!
At least when you become Jewish your stand-up might improve.
Mm.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.