You'll never guess who came to my house last night!
Was he wearing a long black robe and carrying a sickle?
No, not the Grim Reaper. I got a deal with him.
He doesn't touch me until I start showing signs
that I'm slipping.
So, who came to your house, Hank?
Someone came to my house?
Hang on. I can reset him.
Ahh.
You'll never guess who came to my house last night!
Two guys trying to get me
to sign a petition for gay marriage.
Did you bury them in the basement or the attic?
Neither.
I happily signed their petition.
- You did? - Yeah!
You want a couple of the gays on your block.
They keep their yards up, they're quiet...
Well, except during the Tony awards...
And they keep the coloreds away!
You know, the blacks are notoriously homophobic.
Hold on, Hank. You know that's not true.
Black people are not homophobic.
If it's one thing I know about my people, we're friendly.
Mm.
What's that scent you're wearing?
Fear!
sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com
♪ Da da da da, da da da, da, da da ♪
♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪
♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da ♪
♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! ♪
Daryl, how you doing?
Very well, Steve, thank you,
since I've been spending time again with Carol.
Oh, I didn't know you two had reconnected.
Oh, yeah.
We ran into each other a little while back at the supermarket.
We had a spontaneous rendezvous
behind the deli counter near the employee time clock.
I think I punched in for Hector Gonzales 15 times.
Well, anything I can do for a fellow immigrant.
Will you excuse me, Carol? I just need to use the loo.
"The loo"?
Why are those brits so pretentious?
Just call it what it really is...
A powder room...
Where you take a crap!
I think his accent's cool.
Me too.
And I've been with a few englishmen in my time.
I was sort of an unofficial Bond girl.
"Unofficial"?
Well, I was never in a Bond movie,
but I did spend a long weekend with Sean Connery.
He's a very gifted man, if you know what I mean.
More like a 008 1/2.
Oh, Daryl, do you want to have a quick drink
and then head back to my place?
Oh, I'd love to, but I got an early morning.
But I can't wait to see you tomorrow.
Me too, sweetie.
Bye-bye!
Yeah, that's over.
Carol, what are you talking about?
It looks like things are going great with you two.
No, they're not.
We just had one of the worst dates ever.
All we did was hold hands,
get lost in each other's eyes,
and talk all night!
Wow. What a disaster.
I don't know, Carol. It sounds pretty romantic to me.
Well, if that's what you're into.
Usually, after dinner,
we like to get freaky right on top of the table.
But tonight, nothing!
I thought you went to a restaurant.
We did!
Do you like spending time with Daryl?
Does he make you laugh?
Do you feel safe when you're with him?
Well, yes, except when we're doing
that thing with the harness.
[Chuckles]
But we do have a safe word.
It's... it's...
Probably never been used.
I don't know, Carol.
It sounds to me like Daryl is your boyfriend.
So, is this something I want?
Yes. It's what we all want!
Holy crap. I'm all alone.
I have a boyfriend.
I-I need a moment to process this.
I'm someone's girlfriend.
I'm exclusive.
I can only have sex with one person.
I feel trapped.
[Choking] I can't breathe.
Carol, Carol, Carol,
it's just something that you have to get used to.
I guess you're right.
It has been nice to have someone to share my life with.
I have a boyfriend!
Let me take this for a test-drive.
Hi, there.
Hi.
Do you want to go out sometime?
Sure.
I can't. I have a boyfriend.
I love this!
Aw, that's great, Carol.
I'm really happy for you.
I'm gonna go adopt a cat.
Owen, it looks like your mom's really into Daryl.
Yeah.
That dude is seriously cutting into my mother-and-son time,
and he thinks he's cool 'cause he's all English and stuff.
He keeps saying that he wants me to be his mate.
That's sick.
Daryl's a great guy.
You should just hang out with him.
You know, I got these two Pirate tickets, and I can't go.
Why don't you invite Daryl?
Really? Take a British guy to a baseball game?
I can just hear it now.
[English accent] "Jolly good hit.
Well done, you Pirates!"
No way.
Owen, your mom deserves someone in her life.
Do it for her.
Aw, man, when you put it like that,
I can't say no, can I?
No.
All right.
But if I'm good, do you think he'll buy me a foam finger?
I don't know, Owen. Will you buy me a foam finger?
I just gave you two free tickets!
Give me the finger!
Mom, what are you doing?
An experiment to increase beer sales.
I've coated these pretzels with a paste
made from spicy Korean gochujang peppers.
Watch.
[Recorder clicks]
Test subject number one.
Lower than average intelligence.
Of arab descent who comes from desert climate.
Ahmed, pretzel?
Thanks.
Aah! [Shouting in arabic]
He just activated a sleeper cell!
It's the end of the world!
Steve, another beer!
Ahmed, are you okay?
I think one of my fillings just melted!
Hypothesis proven.
Spicy pretzels sell cold beer. [Recorder clicks]
Where did you come up with this recipe?
Old family snack.
Grandma fed you these?
Oh, no. We couldn't afford pretzels.
She put the peppers between two scorpions,
and we ate it like a sandwich.
Test subject number two.
Approaches sample product.
Unhappily married man,
also of lower than average intelligence.
You want a beer, Roy?
No, I'm good.
How's your mouth not on fire?
My mom put Korean peppers on those.
I'm from the South.
We put spicier stuff down my grandma's feeding tube.
Hey, Owen, did you guys have fun?
A jolly good time. I caught a ball!
I caught a foul ball.
It's from the concessions stand.
When he took a nap, I stuck it in his glove.
Hey, sorry about your car.
My mom should have told you what happens
when I eat too much cotton candy.
He threw up?
I wish.
Hi, gorgeous.
Hi, boyfriend!
Hey, Steve, thanks again for hooking me up with Daryl.
We had so much fun together.
Daryl's a great guy.
I realize my mom deserves someone in her life.
I just had to get to know Daryl better.
It's like this little voice popped in my head and said,
"do it for her."
I was that little voice.
I told you that yesterday.
Really, Steve?
Man, if it isn't about you for 30 seconds.
I'm just glad everything went well.
Yeah. We just need to hang out.
You know what?
Daryl is like the dad I never had.
I'm gonna do all the father-and-son stuff with him
that I never got to do as a kid.
You might want to slow down, Owen.
I know you missed out on some stuff,
but why don't you take it one day at a time?
You don't want to overwhelm this guy.
That's really good advice.
How come you never tell me smart stuff like that, Steve?
Don't worry, Jack. I'll give Daryl his space.
Hey, kids! Awful quiet over here.
What's going on?
I was just thinking how beautiful your mother is.
Aw, Daryl.
Now what are you thinking?
How small my hand feels inside yours.
So, Daryl, you sleeping over tonight?
Oh, well, I'm not sure.
It's all right with me.
Cool! When you're done with my mom, we can make popcorn!
Hey, Ok Cha, I'm gonna show you
what real spicy food tastes like.
Say hello to grandma's Alabama sassy wings.
What are in these things?
Lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and a splash of kerosene.
Cute.
In Korea, we have more kick in our baby formula.
They're hotter than your wimpy pretzels.
Oh, sounds like a challenge.
You guys want to put some money on it?
Oh, no.
We play for something more important than money.
We play for national pride.
Korean spicy kicks U.S. spicy's ass every time.
Say, Roy, ready to represent your country?
It would be my honor.
So you two head-to-head in a knockdown,
drag-out, spicy-food competition for no money?
For the honor of my people.
And [Voice breaking] the United States of America.
Screw that. I got 50 bucks on my wife.
I've seen her put out cigarettes on her tongue.
I got 50 bucks on my mom.
I'm going usa. My money's on Roy.
Me too! Nothing more important than your country!
Our forefathers died so we could bet on a black man
against a Korean woman in an eating competition.
Oh, God, here I go.
Well, it's been a very long day.
I think I should probably turn in.
So, what you doing tomorrow?
Well, actually, Daryl's taking me to lunch.
How can he do that if he's taking me to the car museum?
The what?!
You do know I have a job?
Of course you do.
How else could you afford to take me to a car museum
and treat us to a couple's massage?
So what do you say, Daryl?
Well, well, I-I don't know.
Owen, I think you're making Daryl
feel a little uncomfortable.
Oh, that ship has sailed. See?
Just shows you he actually wants to take me to lunch.
You're being a total Daryl hog.
What do you mean?! You've had him all day.
This is my turn! That's no fair.
Like the needlepoint pillow on our couch says,
life's a bitch.
Okay, okay, okay. Let's not fight.
Well, tell Owen not to be so needy.
Me? You're the one being all clingy.
Actually, I don't think the two of you
are being any of those things.
Then what do you think, dad?
"Dad"?
Ah, right. You're English.
Perhaps I should call you "fatha."
A British accent?!
You're such a kiss-ass!
I learned from the best.
Brat!
Dominatrix.
Delightful as this is,
it seems that you two are at an impasse,
so why don't you give me a call when you sort this out, hmm?
No, no, no, no! Baby, wait!
Thanks a lot!
You just ran off my dad!
Me?! You crapped in his car!
Steve: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the first ever Sullivan & son spice-off!
[Cheers and applause]
Who here would like to see Melanie walk around in a bikini
with round numbers?
[Crowd cheers]
Not happening. [Crowd boos]
In this corner,
weighing 85 pounds of mean and cruel,
Ok Cha Sullivan!
[Cheering and booing]
And in this corner,
weighing... considerably more,
he would rather burn his face off
than spend time with his wife,
Roy Williams Jr.!
[Cheering and booing]
Okay. If you experience any tingling in your extremities,
if your tongue or throat begins to swell,
or you think you're gonna pass out, drink this.
It's a neutralizing solution
made of yogurt, bananas, orange rinds, and yeast.
Oh. Put a little vodkee in that
and it's a nice holiday drink.
All right. Here are the rules.
You have to clean your plate,
there's no leaving the table,
and the first to drink the neutralizing solution loses.
Now, who thinks that this Mike makes me sexy?
[Plate dings]
Round 1!
Roy will be eating chicken feet dipped in Korean fire sauce!
[Audience oohs]
[Snaps fingers]
If you were going for bland, you nailed it.
Steve: Next up,
ok cha will be eating an American classic,
Roy's spicy sausage!
[Laughter]
Come on, people.
My mouth is a-burning!
I surrender!
Psych, bitch.
Dominatrix before brats.
When I'm your mom again, that's a time-out, Mr. Man.
Come on, you two. Knock it off.
Carol, there's nothing wrong with you wanting a boyfriend,
and, Owen, you wanting a dad,
but you're fighting over the same man.
You're like two drunk sorority sisters.
What do you suggest we do?
Well, it looks like one of you is going to have to step aside.
I guess you're right.
But it won't be me.
I provide a lot of things for Daryl that Owen can't.
Name one.
I can name two.
[Crowd chanting "USA!"]
Come on, buddy. You can do it.
You feel the heat, Roy?
It's getting hotter and hotter.
Just quit now before it gets ugly.
That's your trash talk?
Without bringing race into it, yes.
Your ghost pepper Bulgogi is a joke!
[Cheering]
Let's see how you handle my Alabama reaper gumbo.
You know why they call it that?
'Cause it's from Alabama and it's gumbo.
You know, my contacts are a little dry.
I need a few drops.
[Crowd groans]
Shit just got real.
[Plate dings]
That's the end of round 2...
And my mom's 20/20 vision.
Eaters, to your corners!
I'm not afraid of you, dragon lady!
[Plate dings]
You okay, Roy?
She put it in her eye, man.
Bitch is crazy! I want to go home!
Don't let her get in your head!
Her freaking eye, man!
Sweetheart, you got this in the bag.
I'm on fire.
Yeah, mom. You're destroying him.
No, dumb shit, I'm on fire!
My teeth are bleeding,
and my gumbo eye is a-swelling shut.
Come on, mom. We got money riding on this.
I thought I'd never say this to you, but suck it up!
No, it's okay whatever you do.
You don't have to prove anything to anybody.
Who cares if America beats Korea this one time?
It's no big deal.
It is to me!
The ghosts of my ancestors will haunt me forever!
I don't deserve that.
I'm the nice one in the family!
I'm going back in.
Reverse psychology. That's how I proposed.
Thank you so much for coming, Daryl.
Yeah, we really appreciate it.
So, you mentioned you had figured things out.
Yeah, we realized we couldn't keep fighting over you
and one of us had to back off,
so I've decided...
That you should decide.
[Laughs]
Oh, you're serious?
Well, uh, this is new territory for me,
uh, but I suppose if forced to make a choice,
I'd have to go with Carol.
Oh!
I did not see that coming.
Maybe next time, sweetie.
Yeah. Congratulations, mom.
I'm really happy for you.
Thank you, Owen.
Well, are you ready?
Mm-hmm.
Goodbye, mom.
I'll try and wait up for you.
Oh, sweetie...
Shall we?
You're gonna walk out on my son
while he's in pain?
I just said "shall we?"
After you said you're ready.
You know, I can't do this.
I want to share my life with someone,
but I realize I already have that person.
It's my baby.
There just might not be room for someone else right now.
Oh, I think you'll be fine.
Your baby's 30.
I don't expect anybody else to understand what we have.
Are you sure, mom?
You really like having a boyfriend.
I do. But you're my number one.
Aw, mom.
Well, I did not see that coming.
Well, goodbye, Carol.
Goodbye, boyfriend.
Goodbye, "fatha."
And after three riviting rounds
at the Sullivan & son spice-off, still no winner.
May we have the final plates, please?
Very spicy. Eat them before they eat you.
As a health professional,
I just have to say you two are gonna die.
And now, from the steamy state of Alabama,
Ok Cha will be eating atomic gator tails!
[Audience oohs]
And from the unforgiving isthmus of Korea,
Roy will attempt to eat the dreaded weeping blowfish cake.
[Audience ahs]
Remember, Sullivan & son assumes no liability for any injuries
that may occur as a result of ingesting said food,
including, but not limited to,
mouth lesions, hair loss, and explosive diarrhea.
Hey, may the best man win! [Plate dings]
He must mean me,
since I'm the only man at the table.
Trust me, we've talked about you having a dong for years.
[Plate dings]
Ahmed: Come on, big boy. You can do this.
[Coughing] Hang in there.
Come on. Hang in there.
Steve: Two superpowers,
USA against Korea,
going head-to-head.
Let's turn up the reverb for...
[Reverberating] Dramatic effect!
[Crowd chanting USA!"]
[Crowd chanting "Korea!"]
I know you want to drink this, fat boy.
Put an end to your pain.
Don't do it, Roy.
You need this more than I do, old lady.
No!
[Moans]
[Plate dinging]
All right, all right, all right! I'm ending this!
I'm not gonna lose my license
because a couple of idiots don't know when to stop!
You are both drinking this right now!
This is empty. What the hell happened to it?
Oh. My bad.
Well, it's so good, who can wait for the holidays?
So, how did things turn out with Daryl?
We broke up with him.
He wasn't ready for us.
Ah. I'm sorry to hear that.
But that's what I love about you guys.
You always put each other first, above anybody.
Does it sometimes cross the line?
Often.
But that's what makes you special.
Thing is, it could be a little hard for you
to find a man to share that with.
We know, Jack.
Yeah, but we're not giving up.
I'm actually on Tinder right now,
looking for a rebound dad.
Oh, I like him.
He looks like he'd be a good dad.
And maybe a boyfriend for you, Mom.
Good luck, you two.
I've never seen two more stubborn people in my life.
Just admit it's a tie.
Look, there's no shame
in admitting this stuff's too spicy for you.
Nobody can eat this stuff.
Pedro, don't, don't, don't, don't!
No bueno. Needs hot sauce.
sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com