Greetings, Sullivan & son riffraff.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, guys. Happy anniversary.
Thanks, Steve.
Oh, there you are.
Hi, mom.
Happy anniversary to my favorite son.
He's not your son.
I'm sorry.
Did my middle child who quit being a lawyer say something?
[ Chuckles ]
You should be out celebrating. What are you doing here?
We thought we'd stop by
and show you what truly happy people look like.
I wish you people
could have that kind of confidence behind the wheel.
Holy shit. You're still alive?
I bet you say that to all your patients.
Hey, dad, can you believe it's been 10 years
since you walked me down the aisle?
10 years? You kids are still newlyweds.
I have to be the luckiest man in the world
to score such a trophy wife.
Yeah, with those horse legs, she could win the breeders' cup.
Okay, okay, okay! Hey.
Let's celebrate the happy day
with a bottle of our very finest.
Bring it to the corner booth, Steve.
I want to be alone with my beautiful butterfly.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Grunts ] Look at the way she shuffles, huh?
She makes me so horny it should be illegal.
There is no man more passionate
than the groom on his wedding day.
Brings back memories.
Carol, you were never married.
I didn't say it was my wedding.
A married man on his wedding night?
And the bride. I-I wouldn't leave her out.
After all, it's her special day.
Listen, I didn't get you an anniversary present
because I didn't want to get you something you'd hate, you know?
So, whatever you want, name it.
Remember, you're a doctor's wife.
You're not like these people.
Well, to be honest,
I've always sort of wanted a minivan.
[ Laughing ] A dentist could get you that.
This is an important milestone. You need to dream bigger.
Um... you've never given me a rolex.
You've never taken me on a cruise.
You've never given me an orgasm.
You've never taken me to Paris.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What was that thing before Paris?
Rolex?
No, after that.
- Rolex? - No!
You said I'd never given you an orgasm.
Look, it's not a big deal.
Honey, don't take this the wrong way.
It's just something that we can get better at.
It is a big deal.
I want our marriage to have everything.
Maybe this is not the best time to talk about this.
Let's just celebrate.
Happy anniversary.
Yeah.
Happy, happy.
Sync and corrections by bellows www.Addic7ed.Com
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Hey, Jack! I've got the map!
Ah, yes. The battle of Shiloh.
I love civil war reenactment time.
I hope you're in shape. I know I am.
I'm down to 60% body fat.
Why do you guys even do this?
For this. It's the crystal cannonball.
It commemorates the north's victory every year.
According to my crystal ball,
your lucky streak is about to end.
It's not a streak, Hank. It's history.
And so is your freedom, Roy.
Because this year the South will rise again!
Well, we all know
there's nothing else rising on you down South.
Steve, Steve. I need to talk to you.
Sure. What's up, Jason?
For the first time in my life,
I have a problem that I can't solve with money,
intelligence, or my stunning good looks.
Yesterday, I discovered something shocking.
I've never taken my wife
to the... you know, promised land.
Susan wants to go to Israel?
I can't give your sister an orgasm.
I liked it better
when we were talking about the Middle East.
This can't be true. I'm an amazing lover.
I'll take your word on that.
B-but I need your help.
I want my marriage to have everything.
I mean, how do I make it happen?
I'm your wife's brother.
There's got to be somebody else you could talk to.
You'd think, huh?
I'm just worried I'm gonna lose my beautiful wife.
You're not. If the jam ain't sweet,
she'll get it across the street.
You're overreacting, Jason.
I tell you. She's gonna leave me, man.
Susan's not going anywhere.
You think I don't see how guys look at her
when she gets back from supercuts?
What's his problem?
It's not easy being married to a supermodel.
[ Laughter ]
Hey! That's my daughter you're talking about.
[ Laughs ]
Hey, Jack. Need a refill here.
Excuse me.
There's a whole lot of research out there
that shows that many women
have extreme difficulty in achieving physical climax.
Masters and Johnson puts the numbers at 50%.
So, you're saying the problem I'm having with Susan
is not my fault... It's hers.
No, what I'm saying is if you get her to totally relax
and are completely in tune with her body,
you can make it happen.
Right! It's her fault!
Beer's on me, boys.
Is this a trick?
No. I'm celebrating.
I just overheard Carol talking to Jason about Susan.
Turns out scientific studies prove that 99% of all women
are incapable of having an orgasm.
I hear it's higher.
Well, that explains so much.
All the women I've ever slept with
are physically incapable of ringing the bell.
Which is why the considerate thing to do is not even try.
What are you talking about? Susan can ring the bell.
He's not talking about that kind of bell, Owen.
For once, I know.
Back in high school,
the big o gave Susan the "big o."
- What?! - What?! - What?!
Sorry, dude.
You weren't supposed to hear that.
You slept with Susan?
I don't know if we actually slept,
but I know I gave her an orgasm.
All right, big man. You're about to feel the pain.
[ Grunting ] Come on, Jason! You don't have to do this!
Dude, stop! Let's just talk!
I don't want to tell you this, dude,
'cause it might make you madder,
but this is the same position I had your wife in.
Have fun, Hank.
Fun?! War is hell, Jack.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for a new strategy.
Hank, you're the South. Your strategy is, you lose.
- Not with these new recruits. - You got ringers?
They're not ringers. They're disgruntled Navy seals.
What are you doing, Hank? It's a reenactment. I win.
And what's that on your belt?
It's a stun gun. I'm a soldier from the future.
[ Stun gun buzzes ] Give me that.
You're right, Jack. Let's stay true to that era.
Back then, it was a much simpler,
more innocent time.
You mean when there was slavery?
See? Roy gets it.
Can I get you guys another pitcher?
Owen, are you gonna tell him?
- No. - Tell me what?
Remember that agreement we made back in high school?
The boner pact. Yeah.
He broke it.
You slept with someone else's mom?
- Worse. A sister. - You slept with someone else's...
Wait a minute.
I'm the only one with a sister here.
- All these years, and you never told me? - I thought I did.
I would have remembered that, Owen!
You were at hockey practice.
Your sister and I were watching "Boy meets world."
And I remembered Susan bringing me into your room.
- Oh! - Oh!
- Oh, God. You were on my bed. - And your desk.
- Oh! - Oh!
And the green TV tray.
I ate my cheez-its on that.
Friends don't do this to each other.
Boy, he's pissed.
He should be. You broke the boner pact.
Hey.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
You just want to talk, right?
Yes.
Listen. I was in my car.
It's a BMW, obviously.
And I was incredibly upset.
7 series, hybrid.
Then I suddenly realized, I may have overreacted.
This thing between you and Susan happened a long time ago.
I should just get over it.
It's so good to hear you say that, Jason.
And if it makes you feel any better,
I didn't even enjoy it that much.
Who wants to do anything for five hours?
I'll kill you, man!
Jason, stop! Calm down!
Sit over there!
Are we good? Okay, then.
There's another way of looking at this.
- Owen has knowledge. - I do.
What is this knowledge you speak of?
Really? What does Owen know?
Well, he has valuable... intimate information about your wife
that could be very useful to you.
What have I got to lose?
My self-esteem has sunk to the level of a male nurse.
What exactly do you remember
about making my wife... You know?
Fine. I'll show you.
But this time, I'm using a condom.
Roy: No, Owen.
Just tell Jason in graphic detail
how you did Steve's sister.
I just need practical information.
For instance, did you manipulate the areolas?
That depends. What are areolas?
Nipples. Did you do anything to the nipples?
Mine or hers?
I can't do this!
Perhaps I can be of assistance.
Yes. You should ask my mom.
She taught me everything I know about sex.
Does that surprise anybody here?
I believe it's a mother's responsibility
to teach their sons how to pleasure women.
So true.
I mean, how else are we gonna break the cycle
of women never being able to climax?
It's around 50%.
I think it's 99%.
Sure, keep telling yourself that.
Let's go through the checklist, mom.
When you were with Susan,
did you make sure she was comfortable
while you were preheating the oven?
Check.
And then did you slowly knead the dough?
Double-check.
And then I pounded furiously and repeated as necessary.
And did you remember to flip over halfway through?
Seriously, we are all going to court someday.
Okay, I'm confused.
All I know right now is I'm horny and I want biscuits.
Why do I bother talking to people with inferior intellects?
You know what, Jason? Did it ever occur to you
that sex is an intimate experience
that two people share as equals?
Why's a paramedic talking to me?
See? Between you and your ego,
there's probably not enough room for Susan in that bed.
Ego?! Why does everyone assume
that just because you're a God-like, life-saving surgeon,
you have an ego?!
Well, then you know what?
You're gonna have a hard time satisfying a woman.
'Cause I got news for you. Women have orgasms in here.
Boy. [ Laughing ] You are clearly not a doctor.
I'm going with her. Preheat, knead, pound, repeat.
- Don't forget flip! - Got it.
Then I'm getting a whole shitload of biscuits.
Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?
I'm pretty busy with my yogurt.
I just wondered if I could talk to you about... sex.
Oh, God, aren't you a little old
for the "scorpion and the frog" talk?
I really need you right now. I'm having marriage trouble.
Oh, boy. We're doing this, aren't we?
Yes, and I need you to listen and not make jokes.
[ Sighs ] Okay. So, here's what happened.
I told Jason he's never really pleased me in bed.
Now I have to make a joke.
Mom!
All right. All right. I'll just do it silent to myself.
[ Laughs ]
Okay. Continue.
Now Jason is obsessed.
He keeps trying to please me, and it's exhausting.
I've tried everything with him
and I just can't make... It happen.
What do I do?
You fake it.
Mom, I've never faked it.
I've just always smiled and said, "thank you."
We are a polite people.
But that's going to have to change.
I don't want to lie to him.
Susan, if you don't lie to your husband,
your marriage has no integrity.
They have to be your first, your best,
and also the biggest down there.
Even if I wanted to fake it, I don't know how.
I see it's time for me to teach you
what my mother taught me and her mother taught her.
Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman.
And the glue that holds all of that together
is a whole lot of fake moaning.
Okay.
[ Groans ]
Oh.
Oh, God.
Yes!
Oh, that's the sweet spot, baby!
Don't stop!
Yes! Yes!
You get the idea?
Wow.
And ew!
I could never do that.
Well, you better learn,
or you're gonna lose your doctor husband.
Okay. I'll give it a try.
Oh! God!
Oh! Yes!
Aah!
Is everyone okay?
I heard a horrible sound.
It's Susan practicing her sex noises.
Human sex noises?
It's a work in progress.
- Melanie, how do you fake an orgasm? - Well, I don't.
I always believe that everything between a man and a woman
should be open and honest.
Now ask her what doctor she's married to.
Okay, let's try again.
This time, when you're faking it,
think of something that gets you excited.
For me, it's reading the "pennysaver."
It gives me multiple coupons.
Hey, Steve.
When did we get the new bar snacks?
Oh, God. I-I'm sorry.
Did I forget to tell you?
I was going to in about 15 years.
Are you still mad?
- About you doing my sister and not telling me? - Yes.
Okay, so I broke the boner pact.
But as you remember, we have an agreed-upon punishment.
You get to punch me in the nut sac.
- I'm not gonna do it. - Come on.
How are we gonna stay friends if you don't?
Steve, please. Punch me in the nuts.
You would like that, wouldn't you?
Well, not at first.
But after we're friends again, totally.
I won the civil war!
And Abe Lincoln can suck it!
Hank, come on. How did you win?
Because the bus carrying my troops broke down.
Well, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Hank, you know you didn't actually win.
I did, too. You forfeited and this baby is all mine.
Hank Murphy has rewritten history
and, America, you're welcome.
Whoa, whoa. You don't look happy. It's official.
I'm a failure as a lover and as a man.
I've tried everything
and I cannot make my wife's toes curl.
Did you put your ego aside?
You know, I was so desperate, I even tried that,
and it just made things worse.
It was so bad, Susan was actually faking it.
Together: How could you tell?
Because I was still downstairs at the time.
I knew she couldn't pull it off.
Only I can fake it perfectly.
She's the best. Gets me every time.
I don't know why I'm asking this,
but, dad, you okay with that?
Oh, God, yeah.
Gets me to "Law & Order" faster.
I'm madly in love with a woman I'll never truly make happy.
Life isn't worth living.
Uh-oh. Lemonhead's ready to gut himself.
I'm having a flashback.
Different war, Hank.
You don't know, man! You weren't there!
Different war again, Hank!
Let's just end it right here!
Jason, stop.
No! I'm gonna do it!
I'm finally gonna stick something in something else
and make someone feel something.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Much better, Susan.
Jason, stop this!
I know you want to give me a perfect experience in bed.
But that's hard for me.
It's hard for me to experience pleasure.
I don't know why.
Jason, we have a great marriage because we're willing
to work on all the stuff that's not perfect.
Look how much you care about this.
To me, that's everything.
I know that should make me feel better, but it doesn't.
Also, Jason, you're bigger than Owen down there.
Well, that can't be true.
You know, I am starting to feel better.
All you need to know is,
I couldn't love you any more than I do.
Great, great. Yeah.
But let's go back to "me being bigger" part.
Let's go home.
Yeah, let's get away from these crazy people.
See you later, baby carrot.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Nice catch, Roy.
What a shocker. The black guy caught a round ball.
Easy, colonel Sanders. I could still drop it.
All right, all right. You're free.
Give that man a drink. Drinks all around!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Guess what I just did to Susan.
[ Sighs ] No hablo inglés.
Relax. It's nothing sexual.
I just got her a brand-new minivan.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, I figure if I can't do everything for Susan,
at least I can knock this off the list.
I wish I could buy a car for a girl.
All I can do is get them off.
I'm very happy for you, Jason. Susan is a lucky girl.
Why am I lucky?
Because I have a big surprise waiting for you outside.
Give me a hint.
It's not an orgasm.
It's a minivan, fully loaded.
Really?! Oh!
[ Chuckles ]
Steve, I know you're really pissed,
but can you get over this thing with Susan?
It's killing me.
All right. Come over here.
You gonna punch me in the nuts?
Yes.
I knew you couldn't stay mad.
Ohh!
Susan: Oh, my God! Yes!
That's it!
Jason!! Thank you!
That was real.
Ain't nothing mini in that van.
Two cognacs. Make mine a double.
You know, Jason, what I said before
about how our marriage has everything?
Blah, blah, blah.
This is way better.
[ Chuckles ]
Hear that, peasants? My wife is satisfied.
And it all happened in a minivan
I bought below cost.
Below cost?
Oh, God!
Jack, storage room! Now!
Ugh. My mom and my sister.
What is it, two-for-one orgasms?
Gives a whole new meaning to "happy hour."