[SPORTS ANNOUNCER IN BACKGROUND] Come on, there's no blood.
How can you call that a penalty?
Ah, there's a lot of blood. Good call, ref.
Look at you. I get home a little late, and here you are,
- waiting up for me. - I'm not waiting up.
I'm watching the game, or I'm trying to.
Uh-huh, sure, you're up this late just watching the game.
Come on, you can admit you're worried.
Okay, you got me.
I'm only pretending to watch the Rangers in double overtime.
Fine, if it'll help you sleep better, I was with a girl.
I've been seeing her for a while, and I think it's time you met her.
- Good, go get her now. - Thinking maybe a dinner party.
- Or is that too formal? - Ian, go to bed.
- You can't send me to bed. - One.
- That's not gonna work. - Two.
- Okay, I'm leaving, but... - Two and a half.
Yeah, yeah.
- Goal! [CROWD ROARS] - And it's over!
Man, you missed an amazing goal.
What are you doing there, Graham? Go to bed.
One, two.
- Yeah, yeah. - Two and a half.
I'm going. I'm going.
I should go to bed myself.
One, two, two and a half.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING] # Da, da, da... da, da, da #
♪ Da, da, da, da ♪
♪ Da, da, da Da, da, da ♪
1x21 - Dinner
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Thanks for lunch, Harris.
You know, I've never been friends with an ex before.
- It's cool. - Oh, it's the coolest.
Being friends is the ultimate goal.
[CHUCKLES]
Coming in hot for a friend hug. Oh, yeah.
We're making an "A" with our bodies.
"A" is for awesome.
- I'll see you later, buddy. - All righty. [CHUCKLES]
- Well, that was a normal interaction. - I'm in hell, Mike.
I don't want to be friends with her.
- I want to be with her. - Well, then just tell her how you feel.
Oh, okay, right, just so that I see that you know,
- how would that go exactly? - Wha...
Are you saying you've never told a woman
- that you have feelings for her? - And meant it?
Okay, it's easy. Just take her hand and say,
"I want to be with you. I can't imagine life without you."
I can come back.
Let 'em talk, Harris.
And I said, "Hell, yeah, I shoplifted this tank top, just like
how you shoplifted the labor from those kids in Sri Lanka."
That's so political. Plus, cute tank top, so...
No big deal, but my friend Margot and I
started hanging out with some seniors.
We're only sophomores, so...
Okay, it's a really big deal.
So a bunch of us are gonna go see Rocky Horror
tomorrow night. Y'all want to come?
- Isn't that at, like, midnight? - Yes, we want to come! I mean, whatever.
- If we don't have stuff. - Cool.
Yeah, we're gonna sneak in some brownies.
Nice! Sticking it to the man.
We'll show those concession stand gestapo.
Yeah, I sneak in Raisinets, like, all the time.
Actually the store brand, but I think they're just as good.
I'm talking about pot brownies,
you know, like, we're gonna get high.
Oh, we love drugs. I'm just the president of DARE as a joke.
- Fooled those jerks. - Nice, uh, I guess.
- I'll see you then. - Can't wait.
4:20. Puff, puff, pass.
I've never gotten high before.
I've never even snuck in candy.
I once tried to sneak in a water, but I got nervous,
and I poured it out in the bathroom.
What if we did a practice run? We could try pot tonight
so that we don't look like amateurs tomorrow.
That's really smart.
I'll have to remember that for when I lose my virginity.
She's just kidding.
She's a huge slut. It's gross.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay, mom and dad only get to meet Deborah
for the first time once, so this dinner has to be perfect.
- Are you ready? - I was born ready.
- And sideways. - Oh. Just...
You know, when I was 19, I wasn't planning dinner parties
for my parents to meet whatever girl I was dating at the time.
If anything, I tried to keep all those girls away from them.
Really? "All those girls"?
Hey, I used to clean up.
Women all across America wept when I settled down with you.
I definitely remember my mom crying a lot.
What are you talking about? We both know your mom loves me.
She... She does love me, right?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it.
Is that really what you're wearing?
You know what? It's fine.
It's kind of cute.
Ian's all excited for us to meet his little girlfriend.
We'll sit down, we'll have some mocktails,
and they get to spend the night pretending they're adults.
Mom, Dad, this is my girlfriend, Deborah.
She's really good at the pretending.
Come on in.
It is so nice to meet both of you, Mr. and Mrs. Henry.
Oh, please. Call us Mike and Annie.
Yeah, Mr. and Mrs. Henry makes us sound old, just so... old.
- Ian has told me so much about you. - Oh, really?
Because he left out some interesting details about you.
Like how did you two meet?
BOTH: At a ballroom dance class.
Jinx. Double jinx.
Owe me a soda. Sprite! [BOTH CHUCKLING]
[CHUCKLING] Yeah.
Actually, none of this would've ever happened
- if it weren't for Aunt Leigh. - Leigh! Really?!
Well, shame on her for never telling us that!
Let me show you what I've been doing in the kitchen.
- Hmm? - Oh, mais oui.
I'm using that cookbook you got me.
- That is who Ian is dating? - Can you believe it?
Who'd have thought he could land such a stone fox?
Wait, you're okay with this, Mike?
She's, like, 20 years older than him.
She must be a model. She's tall.
I mean, she's, like, two-of-me tall.
- I bet she's got an agenda. - What agenda? They're having fun.
Women my age don't have fun, Mike, but you know what they do?
They seduce young men into killing their ex-husbands.
You've been watching too many Lifetime movies.
They are inspired by actual events!
Well, I understand you're concerned, but counterpoint.
Did you see those eyebrows? They're, like, iconic.
Okay, so I've got water for cotton mouth,
cheese puffs for munchies, and eye drops for red eye.
Man, getting high is a lot of work.
These brownies would've been better with ice cream on top.
This isn't a little kid's birthday party.
We are two adults doing drugs.
Can you pass me the milk?
Where'd you get these from anyway?
The new age couple upstairs is always bringing my dad
packages of "medicinal treats."
I intercepted this one before he threw it out.
Your dad is so lucky.
I mean, apart from the whole Parkinson thingy.
[SIGHS] Well, that's all of it.
- You feel anything? - No, do you?
No.
What about now?
I don't think your parents like me.
Do you think that they have a problem with me being older?
I don't see why they would. You guys are practically the same age.
Maybe I should've brought a gift.
I think I have a granola bar in my purse
or maybe my ticket stubs to all three Iron Mans.
No, those are for me.
Relax. It's gonna be fine. Mwah.
- The potatoes are scrubbed. - Oh, aren't you the cutest helper?
- I like this one. - Hello! There's my favorite couple!
Leigh, nice to see you again.
- What are you doing here? - I invited her.
Oh, well, I didn't really buy enough food for six,
but I guess if no one wants seconds, I can manage.
Graham, stop licking that spoon.
Leigh, can I, uh, see you in the other room?
I want to show you my new skirt.
- I'm gonna talk to Deborah... - No, it's okay. We'll be right back.
Okay, go for it.
Cut it out! Why are your hands wet?
Why did you not tell me about Ian and Deborah?!
I don't know. It just didn't seem relevant.
It didn't seem relevant that my son is dating a woman
who is 20 years older than him?
Oh, relevant for you, sure. I just wasn't that interested.
Okay, why am I the only one who is bothered by this?
Look, you're his mother, so it's hard to see him as an adult.
No, it's hard to see him as an adult
because two summers ago, he went to space camp.
But they're great together, Annie.
And if this is the skirt you wanted to show me,
you look like a Ukrainian stewardess.
Whoa.
I never realized how boring my hand is.
- I'm not high at all. - Man, this sucks.
Guess I stockpiled all that clean urine for nothing.
What now? You wanna keep hanging out?
No, I'm good.
- Hey, lady-killer. - Hey.
How about that Deborah? She's not bad.
She's great, isn't she?
By any chance, did she used to model?
Yeah, still does, actually. Mainly just rockets and airplanes,
but she started making the cities from Game of Thrones,
and let me tell you, they are sexy.
Wow, I like a woman who's good with her hands.
She actually doesn't use her hands.
- She uses these tweezers. - Don't ruin it for me.
You know, I had a little experience with an older woman myself.
- Really? - Summer of '84.
It was a hot one, as hot as a mother. I was mowing lawns.
Had my shirt off, and my pecs were just coming in.
Miss Kupfer invites me in for an iced tea.
Long story short, if I hadn't been allergic to olive bread,
anything could've happened.
My plans fell through, so I'm gonna stick around for dinner after all.
Oh, good, another person stays for dinner.
I guess I'll just magically create more food.
[SNICKERING]
[LAUGHING] Magically create more food.
That's funny, man.
You're really funny.
So apparently it just takes a little while
for the brownies to kick in.
Oh, now I get it.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Harris, what are you doing here?
I'm looking for Leigh. Is she here?
- Well, come on in. - Yeah, it'll only take a minute.
I'll speak from my heart, just like you said,
and then if that doesn't work, I'll read it off my hand.
Oh, man, I sweated it off.
Let me guess, Harris is here for dinner too, huh?
Yeah, you can fix me a place.
Seriously? Food doesn't grow on trees, you know.
This might not be the best time. He's got his girlfriend over for dinner.
Oh, way to rub it in, man. Everybody has a girlfriend but Harris.
You're gonna be proud of him when you see her.
Check it out. She is a stone-cold...
I hope it's okay if my son stays for dinner.
...mom.
I'm sorry about this. My babysitter bailed.
Apparently she had to pick her boyfriend up from prison,
and I need a new babysitter.
Great to see you, Jake-y. You can be my new helper.
- Awesome. - Yes.
I guess everyone's a helper these days.
She has a kid? What the hell is he thinking?
Okay, okay, so let me get this straight.
When Deborah was just a statuesque beauty
with elegant features, this was sexy and fun.
- Right. - And now it's not,
- because she's a mom. - Yes.
Because there is nothing fun and sexy about being a mom.
- Exactly. - Mmm-hmm.
No! Uh, no. I mean, it's nothing sexy for him.
- For me... bring it on! [CHUCKLES] - There's that Henry charm.
All I'm saying is, Ian can't date a woman with a kid.
He's a kid himself.
Okay, welcome back to common sense land.
All right, I'm gonna talk to Deborah and just convince her
- that this is a huge mistake. - And I'll talk to Ian man-to-man, and...
if that doesn't work, I'll promise him space camp.
Oh! Come on! Pick up. Pick up.
- MARGOT: Hey, Eve! - Margot, hey.
Hey, uh, by any chance, are you stoned out of your gourd?
No, not at all. No, I feel totally normal.
[GROANS] Then what good are you?
Excuse me, do you live here?
[CHUCKLES]
What?
You're gonna be fine.
Here's what you do. You just don't talk.
No one can know you're high if they can't hear you.
Wait, was I thinking that in my head, or was I saying it out loud?
Please don't answer that.
I swear I will lose my mind if you answer that.
[GRUMBLES]
- Will you be having soup this evening? - Well, aren't you adorable?
What are you talking about? We're not having soup.
It's pretend soup. Be careful. It's hot.
[SIGHS]
You are too cute. [CHUCKLES]
How is that cute?
Pretend soup isn't even on the menu. He's just a liar.
- Hey, Leigh. - Hey, pal, what's up?
Oh. Nothing, buddy. I just wanted to...
give you a refill on that wine.
Oh, it's pretty full already.
Well, sometimes a thing may seem full,
and then you realize there's actually room for something more.
- Ah. - Yeah.
I see what you're doing here.
You're busting my balls for drinking too slow.
All right, bro. Let's chug it out!
Yeah, two friends slamming a really viscous port.
I have pretend cake.
Graham, that's an antique. Give me that!
You saw all that?
I made a real fool out of myself, didn't I?
That bad, huh?
Well, you know, it's not that easy to come out
and tell somebody you love them.
I guess I'm scared that she was gonna shoot me down,
but I'm probably worried about nothing, right?
Wow, Eve, way to kick a man when he's down.
Worst night.
And this is Ian when he was a baby.
Yeah, that's 1996.
Speaking of, who did you vote for for president that year?
Eventually, Deborah's going to see how immature Ian is.
I thought I'd just help speed that process along.
And this is where your boyfriend sleeps.
He can't drive a car, but he does sleep in one.
I know. I've seen Ian's room.
I mean, not like that. We always hook up at my apartment.
I mean hang out, not hook up like kids say.
Not that I hook up with a lot of kids, or any kids.
Ian's not a kid. He's a man.
Once again, I don't hook up with kids.
Maybe we should just change the subject?
Look, Mrs... Annie, I know that this must freak you out.
I can't imagine what I would think
if my son started dating an older woman.
I'd probably just assume she was trying to seduce him
- into murdering her ex-husband. - What? That's crazy!
The truth is, I have dated men my own age.
- Ian is a breath of fresh air. - Huh.
I know it seems kind of weird, but I think we get each other,
and if it's okay with you, I'd like to see where it goes.
- Of course. - Thanks, mom.
- Too soon. - Yeah, it's gonna always be too soon.
Okay, Jake, you have the most important job of the night.
You need to put a spoon for these potatoes
- on every plate. - Okay.
Graham, you are on napkin duty.
- Napkin duty's for babies. - I can do the napkins if you want.
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Hey, champ, big night. How you feeling?
- Well, to be honest... - Great, great.
So how about that Jake? That was a big surprise. Wasn't it?
He's a great kid, though, isn't he? Look at him over there.
- Were we ever that young? - Yes. Some of us recently.
You know, I took him to the aquarium a few weeks ago.
You know what he asked me?
"Do fish dream?" Isn't that something?
- "Do fish dream?" - Whoa!
What if we're in a fish's dream right now?
Don't wake up, fish!
The other morning, Cat's In The Cradle
came on while I was at the gym, and it was just waterworks.
The guy I was spotting, I had tears going into his mouth.
Ian, going to the aquarium and crying in a guy's mouth,
that's all great,
but it doesn't make you ready for this kind of responsibility.
I think I know what I'm ready for.
How can you? You're 19.
I'm telling you, this isn't gonna work.
- Well, that's just your opinion. - No, it's not just my opinion.
Your mother is completely against this. [LAUGHTER]
Okay, you guys, check it out. Check it out.
Deb can do any movie monologue backwards.
Okay, Braveheart, go.
No, I'm on the spot. It feels weird.
"Freedom our take never will they,
but lives our take may they will
enemies our tell and here back come."
Oh, you are a keeper. She's a keeper, Ian. Oh!
Some classic reverse psychology.
I thought we were a united front on this Deborah thing.
Oh, I don't know. They really seem to like each other.
Maybe she brings out a side of Ian that we haven't seen yet.
I've seen every side of him and most of them get stuck in railings.
All right, well, he worked very hard on this dinner.
Let's just let him have a nice night.
Fine, I'll keep my opinion to myself.
Here's a fun fact.
Did you know that Ian is actually closer in age
to Jake than to Deborah?
What happened to keeping your opinions to yourself?
It's not an opinion. It's a fact. It's a fun fact.
Well, the food is great, and the small portions,
they just really let you savor every bite.
- Thank you, sweetie. - Mmm.
It's kind of tense in here, isn't it?
Is it... Is it me, or is everyone acting weird?
What's weird? Nothing's weird. Maybe you're weird.
Does anybody have a napkin? I didn't get one.
- I didn't either. - I've got four.
- Jake did the napkins. - No, I didn't.
Maybe they're imaginary.
Graham, can't you be like your slightly older brother and behave?
[UTENSIL THUDS] Oh.
Eve, the pot brownies worked!
I'm high as hell, and I can't get out of your building!
- Uh, hey, everybody. - Pot brownies?
Harris is in love with Leigh!
- What? - Don't listen to her.
She's high. And quit nursing that port.
- Mmm, so sweet. - Hey, who took my food?
You.
- DEBORAH: Okay, stop. - All right.
- Hey. - Oh, okay, now.
Now, come on. No, no!
Margot, you are killing me right now!
You are killing me with your dad's brownies.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Why didn't you tell the neighbor to stop giving you those?
I wanted him to think I was cool.
[SCREAMS]
I can't feel my face! Where's my tongue?
Everyone, just knock it off!
Graham, Jake, would you stop fighting and just be friends?
You both like Mario Kart and sandwiches.
Margot, you're not dying. Your tongue is in your mouth.
Eve, mom and dad will deal with you later.
Aunt Leigh, would you open your eyes?
It is obvious that Harris is in love with you.
And for God's sake,
if you're going to attend a dinner party in the future,
act like human beings and RSVP!
Now, we're all gonna sit down and enjoy this nice tiny meal.
So what kind of sandwiches are you into?
I like turkey and avocado.
LEIGH: Harris.
Harris, where are you going? [MUSIC]
I should go home. It was a crazy night.
And also, I'm starving. All I had was some pretend soup
and a roll I got off the floor. [LAUGHS]
Well, good night.
I love you too.
- What did you say? - I love you too.
You better not be messing with me, because my blood sugar is very...
Oh, come on, Jake, you cannot have your dessert
unless you drink your milk.
Your mom's right. Milk makes you strong
and also gives you a sweet mustache.
Oh, ho, ho! [LAUGHING]
I've got a milk beard.
- Oh, whoa. - Right down the rabbit hole.
Milk does a body good.
Parenting can be scary.
You put so much love and energy into raising your kids.
[RETCHES]
Then suddenly, they're out in the world
making choices you have no say in.
Oh, this reminds me of the first time I...
never did drugs.
I think I'm done with drugs.
Maybe next time you should stay away
from eating 14 bags of cheese puffs too.
Sometimes they're the wrong choices.
You need someone to help dry?
You know, you were really great back there.
- There wasn't enough food. - No, I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about the way you handled everything.
Yeah, well, I learned from the best.
I guess I keep forgetting that you're an adult.
I should've just butted out.
You know, I was thinking about what you said
about taking responsibility and everything.
MIKE: But sometimes it turns out they're actually paying attention,
and as a parent, those are the moments you live for.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Well, actually, maybe I should give it a try.
- Yeah, room. - For both of us?
- A little bit... - Well...
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com thx to mstoll for rip
[MAN LAUGHS]