I still can't believe I sold my book.
I still have to do final revisions for next week,
but then I'll be a published author, like Hemingway.
- Or God. - [CHUCKLES] Can exactly like that.
Okay, we're all set.
I just want to triple-check the guest list.
- Is your friend Carol invited? - Carol?
That bitch is not my friend. Of course she's invited.
We're having a cocktail party for Leigh
to celebrate the fact that she sold her book, "Mane Attraction."
It's a love story about a boy
- who turns into a horse at night. - Top that one, God.
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.
Um, we need to add Brandon to the guest list.
Brandon, like your ex-boyfriend Brandon?
[SIGHS] He's in town, and I haven't seen him in a while, so...
- Why would you want to invite Brandon? - Yeah, Mike's right.
I mean, sure, he's gorgeous with those sexy eyes...
- But... - Oh, God, his butt.
Oh, great butt. I mean, his whole body is just, like...
What my wife is trying to say...
is Brandon's no good for you,
and you're finally in a good place now.
Yeah, you got rid of all your piercings.
They finally stopped rerunning your episode of Taxicab Confessions.
You're not getting calls from any collection agencies.
Yeah, the only person you owe thousands of dollars to now is me.
It's true. I am debt-free.
- Well... - Yeah, you guys are right.
Inviting Brandon is a bad idea.
And if my book has taught me anything,
it's that a horse, even the half-human kind,
needs to keep moving forward to stay alive.
- That's a shark. - Yeah.
- What? - A shark.
I really need to work on my revisions.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING] # Da, da, da... da, da, da #
♪ Da, da, da, da ♪
♪ Da, da, da Da, da, da ♪
1x20 - "Brandon"
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
[ALL CLAPPING]
Thank you all for coming.
Friends, family.
Carol, so glad you could come out so soon after your surgery.
But remember, everybody.
This doesn't get you out of buying my book.
[ALL LAUGHING] Hey, Flody.
- That was lovely, Leigh. - Very gracious.
Carol's in the corner crying.
Yeah, that's first of many saline leaks.
God, I'm glad I invited her.
This night is perfect, you guys. Thank you so much.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
There she is. My moon, my stars!
- Except I did invite Brandon. - Leigh!
- Hey, sweetie! - Hi. [LAUGHS]
Hey, Mike. How's it going, buddy?
How's the old Parkinson's thing treating you?
- Great. - Well, I see it hasn't slowed you down.
I didn't know you got remarried, you old dog.
Found yourself a hot, new, young trophy wife. [CHUCKLES]
Wait a minute. Is that Annie?
Mmm.
Oh, yeah. Mwah.
[LAUGHS] Brandon.
- Are you serious? - I'm sorry, it just works.
Okay, I'm gonna go make my special sangria.
Secret ingredient? [WHISPERS] No fruit.
That's wine, isn't it?
Leigh, what happened to being in a better place?
What good is being in a better place if your ex isn't there to see it?
Oh, come on. Seriously, who does that?
Hey, Leigh. Have you had a chance to meet my date Stella?
- Congratulations on your book. - Stella's in a book.
One of those haircut books at a salon. She's a model.
- Nice to meet you. - Well, I can't stay.
We have to get Stella to her next shoot.
It's for medical supplies. [SIGHS]
Should've quit while you were ahead.
Ugh, I'm so bored.
I would rather be doing literally anything else.
Wanna play with me?
- Graham, I'm at a party. - Please?
Why don't you go ask Ian?
He's in his room talking with some girl.
- What? - She's on his computer.
That tracks.
Sorry I have to keep rescheduling our date,
but work has been crazy.
But we'll be done beta testing tomorrow.
[MIMICS ROBOT] Or else everyone is fired.
[MIMICS ROBOT] That computes, beep...
- I think voices is your thing. - Hey, Ian, I...
What is that bookshelf doing over here?
Is that dad's peabody?
Gotta go. [STAMMERS]
Do you mind?
I'm trying to make a good impression on my lady friend.
Oh, and you're sure that this lady friend is real?
This isn't a Fight Club situation?
Like, you've seen other people talk to her?
Oh, Deborah's real. Feast your eyes on this reality.
Whoa, that is, like, a woman!
What on Earth is she doing with you?
Does she need a kidney? [LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
I think it's pretty obvious what she sees in me.
Which is?
Oh, my God, what does she see in me?
Over there is my book publisher.
- Okay. - That's my agent.
And over there is my dentist.
- Oh. - That's right. I have a dentist now.
Oh, babe, I always knew you had greatness in you.
And I mean that not as a reference to my penis,
which as you know, is also named Greatness.
If I remember correctly, I'm the one who named it.
Oh, that's right. You did.
[LAUGHS] You totally did.
[LAUGHS] What are we giggling about?
Oh, just Greatness.
- So your penis. - Relax. Nothing's gonna happen.
But just to be safe, this dress
is super complicated to get off.
I mean, it comes with a tool.
No fair. How did you get out of this?
Mom said I could sleep over at Danny Torres' house.
Wait. Danny Torres, Maria Torres' brother?
Maria and I were best friends in middle school,
until she dropped me out of nowhere
to hang with the seventh graders.
I still have my half of our best friends necklace.
Don't know what she did with her "be... frie..."
Tell her I said hi. No, wait... Don't.
But just try to mention how great I'm doing.
Wait, no. Don't bring up my name.
Just try to toss it off, casual.
Let's practice. You're Maria. I'm you.
Hey, Maria. Eve grew into her nose.
- Hi, Graham. - What are you doing?
No, she wouldn't do that. You don't know Maria at all.
Hey, everybody, I just wanted to say
how happy I am for my baby sister Leigh,
who's turned her love of horses into something...
very weird, and now someone's paying her for that.
So here's to Leigh.
ALL: Cheers.
Leigh? Sweetie?
Brandon, any chance you're still around?
Didn't think so.
Looks like my sister is destined for Greatness.
Hear, hear. [APPLAUSE]
No, don't... don't applaud that.
I can't believe Leigh would ditch her own party for Brandon.
Oh, you know they just ran right down here,
and he just took her in his arms,
and she didn't even try to resist.
Okay, remember, we're basically walking
into the aftermath of a sexual tornado.
So watch what you touch or step on.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- Oh, hey. - BOTH: Hi.
We just thought we'd come down and check on you, since you
kind of left without saying good-bye to anybody.
- And your dentist was really upset. - Oh, yeah. Sorry.
I thought I'd make a quiet exit.
Plus, I was getting tired. Of Carol. Am I right?
Yeah, so you just came down here by your... Ha! It's empty.
Except for my tennis racket, but that's not why we're here.
- Okay, what's going on? - Well, Leigh, clearly...
...nothing. I'm sorry. We were paranoid.
We thought that you and Brandon
had come down here and we...
Oh, my God.
Your complicated dress. It's ripped to shreds.
Did he do this with his bare hands?
Come on, anybody could rip this dress. I could rip this dress.
Well, in fairness to me, it's kind of difficult
- because it's wet. - Oh.
Oh, God, why is it wet?
Okay, you guys caught me, but don't worry.
I know how to set boundaries now.
Okay, all moved in! Hey, guys.
Wow, you clean up quick.
Look at the ceiling. You'd never know.
- Yeah, next time you have to clean it. - Okay. [LAUGHS]
See? Boundaries.
- And to think we were worried. - Yeah.
It's probably stupid, but Eve got in my head.
You know, Deborah's 20 years older.
- What is she doing with me? - [FOREIGN ACCENT] Bro, trust me.
There is only one thing older women want.
Scarves. Women love scarves.
- My mom has, like, a million scarves. - Don't listen to this fool.
Older women, they want the sex. All the time.
- And you better get used to that. - I don't know, Yaron.
- She doesn't seem like the kind... - I used to be a sex toy.
- You were never a sex toy. - I was, for the widow Fishbein!
Get real. You could never please the widow Fishbein.
Oh, I pleased her. In her TV chair, in her Lincoln town car,
in the shower on that weird little bench.
We broke that bench.
Look, Ian, a mature woman wants a sexual athlete.
I'm not even a regular athlete.
You worry you don't have the proper level of sophistication.
But don't worry. I know the secret.
Oh, what is it?
Feel this new blend. Huh?
The confidence, it is coming already, no?
Are you seriously trying to sell me a suit right now?
No, he's trying to sell you a lifestyle.
Tickle, tickle.
How do I get rid of someone?
Is this about Doug again? I told you, I tried.
But the guy's basically working for free.
- I can hear you. - I know. Take the hint!
Leigh shacked up with her old boyfriend Brandon.
- What?! - Oh, juicy.
Doug, I swear to God, if you don't...
Mike, that guy is bad news. You gotta put a stop to that.
How do you know about Brandon?
Well, you know, when a lady has another man's name
tattooed on her butt
and then crossed out and then written in again,
- you ask some questions. - I tried to talk to her.
Every time I do, it just pushes her back in his arms.
I mean, I tried in 1997. I tried again in 2004.
- Well, you know, you've read her butt. - Yeah, well, talk to him.
Pay him off. Threaten him.
Do something, but Brandon's got to go.
Hey, if you want, I could seduce her away from him.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
- Now I see why you keep him around. - I know.
I barely make a living here.
Hey, buddy. Mind if I play with you?
Really? Okay.
How was Danny Torres' house? Was Maria there?
No, it was just us and his mom. But she gave us baby carrots,
and Danny blew them out of his nose and into my mouth.
- Well, this has been fun. - And then Maria showed up.
Really?
I had a big pirate ship to build.
So how does she look? Bad?
Yes, bad. Very bad.
Does she seem unhappy?
Yeah, probably because she's so ugly.
- Can you hand me that six brick? - Yeah.
Hi. Sorry I'm running a little bit behind.
I lost track of time. Lord of the Rings was on,
and you know how that goes. Four hours later.
Oh, my God. I was watching that too.
I almost missed my bus.
BOTH: "You shall not pass!" [LAUGHING]
Dennis and Yaron were crazy.
We were just two adults, sharing adult interests.
I wasn't some sex toy.
I'll be ready in a second.
I just have to get this mess under control.
What are you talking about, mess?
- You look... super really... good. - Come on in.
Do you want a little tour?
But fair warning, my bedroom is a disaster zone.
Then we don't need to see it. I'll just wait right here.
Or downstairs in the lobby.
And then when you're done, you come downstairs when you're ready,
- and we'll go out in public. - Don't be silly. Come on.
- But take your shoes off first. - I'm not a piece of meat.
[MUSIC]
Hey, Brandon. Glad I caught you.
Hey, Mikey! Buddy. I just saw your face on a bus bench.
You look fantastic. Even with the drunk guy whizzing on you.
Were you that drunk guy?
Uh, anyway, look, I got some clients coming here.
So I hope you don't mind... if I do a little work while we talk.
Okay, what's happening?
The 3:00 PM tour starts now!
If any of you see a policeman,
feel free to take a picture with his horse,
while I duck around the corner.
He had a red flag. The guy was literally raising his own red flag!
These are your clients? You're an illegal tour guide?
A freelance tour guide, Mike, and just until I raise enough money.
I got my eye on a beautiful farm in upstate.
It's 10 acres of land right on the Hudson.
I mean, there's a shimmering creek.
There's a grove of old oak trees
that's been there since the revolution.
Wow.
I'm gonna raze it to the ground and open up an outlet mall.
Well, at least you got a plan, a diabolical plan.
Okay, ladies.
The Empire State Building was a gift from France
and is the site of over 60% of all marriage proposals in the US.
That's not exactly... at all... even close to being true.
Well, I can't possibly focus on facts
when I got Darlene looking at me with those gorgeous dimples.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Look, Leigh's trying to get her life on track.
The last thing she needs is someone to come along
who's gonna take off as soon as the wind changes direction.
- Hey, that only happened once. - What if you take up paragliding again?
Look, we both know Leigh needs someone stable in her life right now.
You know what, you're right.
She needs someone she can depend on.
- Exactly. - In sickness and in health.
- Wait, no! - Over the mountain and through the woods.
- No, okay, now I'm just confused. - I'm gonna propose to her, tonight!
- No! - Yes! Oh, yes.
Okay. The construction began
on the Empire State Building in March of 1930.
What am I doing? I don't have time for this.
Here, tell them it was a symbol of hope during the Great Depression. You're on.
Brandon's going to propose? Why didn't you stop him?
I don't know, it was all happening so fast,
and there were these little, old ladies watching.
She can't marry Brandon, Mike.
I mean, sure, he's fine as a slam-piece.
You gotta stop saying that once he's your brother-in-law.
Oh, she's not answering her phone. Okay, where are we gonna find them?
They could be anywhere in the entire city.
Yeah, I don't know how he's gonna find his way.
I mean, you should've heard him back at...
I know where they are.
At the place where 60% of America's proposals happen,
- the Empire State Building. - That's not true.
- Well, he doesn't know that. - Okay, let's go.
Strength.
- Endurance. - What are you doing?
And why can't you do it with a shirt on?
I like to face facts. Deborah's after my Winklevoss body,
- not my Zuckerberg brain. - You don't even have a Zuckerberg body.
Look, Ian, I know I make fun of you a lot...
[DOOR CLOSES] GRAHAM: I'm home from Danny's.
But I don't have time right now. Hey, buddy, Lego time!
She's pregnant?!
Yeah, but she's not sure who the father is.
It was getting harder to make up stories about Maria,
so I started watching episodes of Revenge.
- You couldn't make this stuff up. - I couldn't. [DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, I'll be right back, but I want to hear more about this
mysterious, white-haired man who's terrorizing her family.
- Maria. - Hey, Eve.
You're not pregnant.
No, but I have your brother's backpack.
Let's go, Danny.
[SIGHS] Sure, ditch me again, just like in sixth grade.
What are you talking about? You ditched me.
Uh, I have three journals and a rage collage that say different.
No, you dared me to talk to Jennifer Ashby
and Cynthia Yim, and when they were nice to me,
- you never spoke to me again. - Uh, no, we were in the cafeteria
playing truth or dare, and you said "dare,"
and I said, "I dare you to..."
Oh, man, you know what? That's on me.
So how have you been since then? Bieber took a turn, huh?
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
His whole life is just... I was rooting for him.
You...
We've done three laps. They're not here.
But his made-up statistic was in our favor.
I don't know, Mike. Maybe this is pointless.
Leigh's a grown woman.
We need let her make her own mistakes.
I can't. I...
Look, all this time, we've been blaming Brandon, but the truth is,
I haven't been as supportive of her as I could've been.
I mean, she wrote a book. That's not easy.
Yeah, she created an entire horse language.
Two languages. Horse-glish and Mandarin horse-glish.
I mean, she's my sister, Annie. I-I-I gotta take care of her.
All right, then we'll find them.
We just... We need to think like Brandon.
But he doesn't think.
He puts the minimum amount of effort in every situation he tries to get...
BOTH: They never left her place.
'Sup, girl?
Ian, what are you doing here?
I am here for sex.
You want it. I intend to give it to you.
As long as I don't have to use my arms. They're killing me.
Wait, wow... where is this coming from?
We haven't even had our first date yet.
- Yeah, I know, but I thought... - Oh, God.
My friend Alice said this would happen!
Well, she's not really my friend. She's more of a coworker.
But she got laid off, so she doesn't work there anymore.
So I don't really know what you'd call us.
We went to brunch once. So my brunch buddy
said that young guys just want sex all the time.
No. I don't!
Well, I mean, I do, but...
I don't know, it's just... I guess I'm just nervous.
I mean, I don't know what you see in me!
You're this amazing woman. I still live with my parents.
Ian, you are kind.
And you're smart, and we seem to get each other.
That's what I like about you.
So it's not all about sex on a shower bench?
[LAUGHS] No, God, no.
- Wait, shower bench? - Never mind. That's...
Ian, the truth is, I'm kind of nervous too, ooh. [CHUCKLES]
So why don't we just take things slow,
okay? Like...
Like turning The Hobbit into three movies slow.
Sounds good.
- This, not that. - Yeah. Right?
[BOTH GIGGLE]
Yeah.
Then again, I wouldn't be averse
- to speeding things up just a little. - Speeding up is good.
[MUSIC]
Leigh, are you...
- Oh, no... - So, Leigh, will you marry me?
Can I answer that question?
Leigh, you don't want to marry this guy.
Mike, stop.
I've been waiting for this moment for years.
Go ahead, Brandon.
Okay, so, Leigh, when I'm with you, I feel a million feet tall,
- just like the Empire State Building. - Okay, it's not...
Continue.
And so I'm down on bended knee asking you to marry me.
Let's go to Vegas tonight.
If you still have miles after flying me out.
But my book revisions are due tomorrow.
So blow it off.
I'm more important than some book, aren't I?
Yeah, but...
Actually, no. This is...
- This is really important to me. - The donkey book?
It's about a boy who turns into a horse.
- BOTH: At night. - Thank you.
[LAUGHS] You know, actually, you know what, Brandon?
Up until now, I thought every adventure you were going on
was more exciting than my own.
But I don't feel that way anymore.
I love where my life is going.
And I'm sorry, but it's not with you.
Wow.
Did not see that coming.
You know, I've literally never been rejected?
Like, never.
So, uh... I guess I'll get my stuff.
- Leigh, I'm proud of you. - Me too, sweetie.
Okay, so a couple minutes, and I'll be out of your way...
unless you want one more for the road.
If you two want to keep being proud of me, I suggest you leave.
- Yeah. - Okay, we're out of here.
[SIGHS]
This is actually pretty good.
I can see you sneaking that by.
Woof?
And I know you're not Icebreaker.
[SIGHS] That wasn't cool.
You made me look like an idiot in front of Maria
just because you needed my help with Lego?
Needed your help? I'm awesome at building stuff.
In fact, you kind of slow me down.
Well, then why did you make up all of those lies?
Because we used to play together, and now we don't.
I just wanted you to stay.
Oh, I guess I could spare a couple of minutes
to work on that crow's nest.
Maybe you could just hold the instructions.
[CHUCKLES]
- You Brandon? - Uh, yeah. Who are you?
The guy who's telling you to get out of town.
Leigh needs someone who appreciates her,
someone who'll sing musical theater with her
in the middle of a 7-Eleven, someone who'll listen
to her not entirely unconvincing theories about aliens,
someone who's late to step up, but when he does...
[STAMMERS]
She already kicked me out, bro, okay?
Oh, okay. Good talk then.
It's nice to put a face to the tattoo.
Lego is easy.
You know how the pieces fit together.
[DOOR CLOSES] I did it. I finished my revisions.
Oh, Leigh, that's so great!
Come on over and grab some little yellow heads.
GRAHAM: It's harder with people.
Oh, that's really great, guys.
The one night I'm not here, you build a Lego city.
Yeah, it's a huge conspiracy.
We had to wait years for you to actually have plans.
[LAUGHS] You're lucky I'm in a good mood.
[WHISPERS] Do you know why I'm in a good mood?
- No. - Wrong, because I just had sex.
[GAGS]
GRAHAM: But when all the right pieces come together,
you can build something pretty great.
Monster attack!
No, no, no, no, no!
- Look out below! - Go, go, go!
Oh, Icebreaker, no, no, no, no, no.
- Go! Go! - Dogzilla coming through.
Oh!
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com thx to mstoll for rip
[MAN LAUGHS]