Erm, I'm Jeremy, by the way. Janet.
Do you really think Janet's just going to turn up at your front door
after all this time? She's only just gone to find herself.
Find herself, yeah.
Robin? Sorry, do I know you?
It's Jeremy Sloane, from the ironmongers.
Take your coat off, make yourself at home. You're married, right?
No, we're separated.
Your money's no good here, young lady.
I'll get the next one. I like the sound of that.
Good morning, Mr Sloane.
If today goes well, we may need to keep you on
until we can find a permanent replacement for Mrs Pitman.
Argh!
Are you still employed at St Paul's Primary School?
Ah, well, I mean, actually, I was employed, sacked,
and then re-employed.
So how long was your first term of employment
prior to initial termination?
Erm, let me think, I'd say it would be three minutes.
Maybe four minutes, actually.
Four minutes? Yeah, well, I mean, thinking about it,
I wasn't officially sacked until morning break,
so, technically, it's probably closer to an hour.
So I'd put that in.
And are you still looking for full-time employment?
Yes, yeah.
Sorry, I've just noticed here on the form,
you've spelt my surname S-L-O-A-N.
There's actually an E on the end.
- An E? - Yes, yeah, you just need to add an E to the end of Sloan,
like Sloane Square, London.
So your Christian name is Jeremy-- J-E-R-E-M-Y?
Yeah, but I mean...
And now you're saying your surname is Sloane-- S-L-O-A-N-E?
Look, there was no need to have tossed out the last one.
All you had to do was add an E to Sloan.
If you'd mistakenly put an E where there wasn't one,
I could understand you crossing it out, if you had no rubber,
but if you'd simply added an E to Sloan,
there'd be no need to go through this all again.
I'm... I'm sorry, sir, it just...
It strikes me as a very odd thing to do.
I see.
And are you expecting to work today?
Today? No. No.
Then you can come back...
when I've had my break.
Your chicken breast, miss, and a roast beef sandwich.
Thank you. Excuse me, I just...
I wanted to mention, here on the Specials list,
it says, "Lamb cooked in it's own juices."
That's right, would you like to change your order?
No, no, no, I'm fine.
I just... I wanted to point out that they've put a superfluous apostrophe
in the word "its."
In this context, you'd only use the apostrophe
to indicate the contraction of the words, "it is."
You'd never use it in its possessive context.
Shall I get you another beer?
Yes, yes, please, that would...
I'm sure they'll have all the menus reprinted by this evening.
They never do.
So what is it with you Brits and beer?
Do you not drink beer? Yeah, now and again,
but here it practically flows out of the kitchen faucet.
Everything is washed down in beer.
Oh, I don't know, I think it probably takes the edge off
the uncertainties of life on our tiny island.
So do you ever get high? High? How do you mean?
You know, marijuana?
No! No.
I mean, obviously, I'm cool with it, man, but I just...
I used to smoke fags, but, you know,
I was always out of breath and coughing so I just...
I gave up a few years ago.
I think it might open you up to a whole new way of seeing things.
To be honest, I... I don't like losing my grip on reality.
That's exactly why you should try it.
It might change your perception of what reality is.
Maybe, but it's also the... the coughing.
The coughing, yeah. Right.
How's your chicken? It's OK, it's your basic chicken.
Oh, I'll have to treat you to my
- special roast chicken Provencal one day. - You cook?
Well, you know, I was quite the culinary artiste a few years back.
It's been a while, though.
But it's just like falling off a bike, isn't it, really?
Something else I'm actually pretty good at.
Well, yeah, let's do that sometime.
Brilliant. Well, I mean,
I'm not teaching Monday if you wanted to come and have lunch?
Monday?
Jolly good. Ah! Ah, cool man.
I'm all right, don't worry about me.
Try not to die in my office, would you?
No, I'll wait till I get back to my own office!
Yeah, that's the spirit. Now, if you are confident
about taking over Lamont's accounts after he transfers,
you will save me from having to take on someone else
at the end of the tax year. I assure you it's not a problem.
Well, you should think about it.
It'll mean one or two late nights,
and maybe even the odd Saturday here and there.
But we could be talking about a generous increase in salary,
perhaps as much as £10 a month.
Well, well, that is very generous, thank you.
Well, you've been a dedicated employee, Jeremy.
I do love my work, sir. You know, Jeremy,
within the next two or three years I'll start backing down
from my position and I'm going to be looking for somebody
to take the lead.
So keep your nose clean, don't get complacent,
and someday, as the saying goes,
a non-controlling interest in all of this will be yours.
Shit! Dad!
Sorry, S-H-I-T.
Now if we put in two shillings, instead of one,
it'll increase our winnings two-fold and make up for our losses.
Pull.
- There you are. Your beer was getting cold. - Oh, cheers, Sloaney.
Hiya, Brian. Hi, Sloaney.
You can't get 'em started too early, eh?
Yeah, Brian's my good luck charm, ain't ya?
Oh, really. How you faring? Down three quid. Pull.
Hey, Sloaney, you still teaching? On and off.
Well, listen, I may have a lead on a proper job for you,
it's right up your alley.
Well, teaching is a proper job, but, you know, go on.
When you were at L & S,
- do you remember the Trent Publishing account? - Yeah, of course.
Well, they're looking for a copyrighter,
someone who's really good at spelling, punctuation, grammar,
all that C-R-A-P. You can cross out unneeded apostrophes
and semicolons to your heart's content, and make a decent wage.
Do you really think I'd be qualified? Of course.
- Me and Brian have got faith in you, haven't we? - It's "Brian and I."
Erm, what if they ask why I left Lynch and Saunders?
Look, stop worrying, I'll sort it.
You know I can bull S-H-I-T like nobody's business.
That's great. I have to say, I owe you one, mate.
We've run out of money, Dad.
'Ere Sloaney, can you lend us a few shillings?
You do realise that "I owe you one"
is merely a figure of speech, don't you?
Right, gentlemen,
who can contribute a few shillings to my son's education?
I've got a machine there that's due to pay out on the next pull.
I'll share the winnings.
Ross, you've owed me five quid for a month.
You promised to write me a cheque, where is it?
If I give you three quid cash, will you forget the rest?
Yeah, I suppose, yeah.
Brilliant, I owe you three quid cash. Beans, what about you?
A few shillings? You've got no living expenses to speak of.
Yeah, all right.
What's that? You asked for a few shillings.
- That's not a few, that's a couple. - Same thing. - No, it isn't.
- How do you reckon? - A couple is two. A few is three, or more.
Says who? Says people who speak English.
Look, if you're walking down the street,
you see a bloke and his wife, that's two people, what do you call 'em? I don't know, what are their names?
Idiot! You'd call 'em a couple. It means two.
Well, how do you know it's his wife? It could be his sister.
- He's got a point there. - Yeah, so what if I told my mum one night
I'm going to have a few friends over to watch telly,
and it was just Reggie and Sloaney? You saying I'm a liar?
Sorry, I... I can't make it that night, I'm busy.
Technically, that wouldn't be a few. Reg and Sloane would be a couple.
No, no, we're just good friends.
- So you're saying a few is three or more? - Yes.
All right, I tell my mum I'm going to invite a few friends over,
- and I bring, say, 27. - Where are you going to find 27 friends, Beans?
All right, acquaintances. 27 acquaintances.
Total strangers more like. Very confused strangers.
Well, that would no longer be a few, that would be several.
Oh, the plot thickens.
OK, look, if you're going to be an A-R-S-E,
I'll take the two shillings, but that's all I'm paying back.
I won't be sharing the winnings.
I think that's your machine, Ross.
Oh, fuck!
Dad!
Hey, Ross, don't say "fuck" in front of the B-A-B-Y.
Go and get Daddy a scotch.
And, oi, I want the change.
Those words are very...
Hi! Hello, won't you come in?
Oh, thank you. So this is Sloane Manor?
Sloane sweet home, and getting sweeter by the moment.
Those look fantastic, may I?
Those are for after lunch. Duly noted.
Now, I know it's the middle of the afternoon,
but would you like a glass of wine?
Sure. How long have you lived here?
About eight years now.
My wife, well, my ex-wife, well, separated actually...
Janet. We moved in soon after we were married.
Cheers. Cheers.
Mmm.
You expecting anyone else? Today? No.
Then why don't we lose this?
Oh, right, yes. Force of habit.
Hey, clip-on! Aren't those for kids?
Well, for kids and efficiency-minded adults who aren't slaves to fashion.
Now, I'm going to take these into the kitchen
and finish preparing our lunch.
Please make yourself at home. Thank you.
What music is this? It's Gilbert and Sullivan.
- I've never heard of him. Do you mind if I change it? - No, go ahead.
I brought you a few records I thought you might not hate.
Oh, yeah, certainly. I'm always open to new experiences.
Sorry! I'm going to start you off with some Kinks.
It's a couple of years old, but it's accessible.
I don't want to traumatise you.
Yeah, I've heard of them. I just don't know their music.
What about The Beatles? Ever hear of them?
Ah, yes, the four lads from Liverpool.
I think I remember reading something about them in the paper.
This must be your wife in the photo on the mantle?
Yeah. Janet. She has a nice face.
I suppose she does.
It's so sad that you two broke up.
Yes, it is.
It's none of my business, but what happened?
She felt that she needed to find herself. Whatever that means.
I think I can understand that.
You know, it's becoming more and more common.
But I'm sure you were a great husband.
Bit of a disappointment, actually.
Just a minute, darling, coming!
So what's the good news?
So, you have been asking when we can have a baby.
For about four years now, yes. OK, well, I think I've worked it out.
So, on my current salary, minus our monthly expenses,
plus a small contingency of 6% per annum, I'd estimate we would need
an additional 10% surplus to meet the expenses of a child.
Plus a nest egg of £100-- just put aside as our cushion, OK?
Now when the promotion comes in, if,
IF we implement certain austerity measures,
I would project that we can achieve this figure in 2.3 years.
It's approximately 28 months.
Obviously, subtract nine months for the gestation period,
I think you should be able to conceive in 19 months,
which puts it at November the 12th next year.
I mean, obviously, give or take.
I think that all works out rather nicely, don't you?
- So I can conceive on the 12th of November next year? - Yeah.
That's great news, I'll put it in the diary.
You don't seem pleased. I thought this would make you happy.
No, it does, dear, the whole thing sounds so romantic.
Well, look, it's better to plan the future than regret the past,
that's what I always say.
Yes, you do always say that, don't you?
Well, I'd better get supper on the table.
I've only got four minutes if I'm to keep on track.
Huh. Uncalled-for sarcasm.
Huh.
Janet, have you noticed that the table's floating?
Sorry, what? Hmm?
I'm not certain why I said that. It was strangled.
It was what? Oh, sorry.
I meant to say strange, but it came out strangled.
Are you feeling all right? Yes.
Although it would appear that my mind has a mind of its own,
and there goes the floating again.
Jeremy, did you eat any of those brownies?
The brownies? Yes. I mean, I had a couple.
Or maybe it was a few.
Are a couple and a few the same thing?
I would love to get your opinion. Jeremy, try to remember.
There were two brownies that had icing on them,
did you eat one of the brownies that had icing?
Icing is a funny word, isn't it, if you keep saying it?
I sing for icing!
Shit! Icing! Hey, come here, you.
OK. OK, you had both of them.
OK, that's all right, let's not panic. You seem really unhappy.
Jeremy, I put two pot brownies in with the others.
I was going to suggest that after lunch maybe you try half of one
and, if you liked it, maybe another quarter,
- but you have eaten two whole brownies. - I can see your words.
It's going to be OK.
We've got the whole day to stay in and relax.
I'm going to help you through this.
I can hear beautiful bells.
Let's go and find them!
Erm, I really don't think you should get that, Jeremy.
No, you're right, you're right, I won't.
Hello, this is me talking with my voice, isn't it a bloody miracle?
Sloaney, it's Ross. Ha, it's my mate, Ross.
Ross, I need to ask you something.
Yeah, what? What colour are your eyes, man?
- What? - I mean, we've known each other since we were wee little
and I've never really...
I've never really looked at your eyes, isn't that sad?
Sloane, are you drunk? I don't know. Am I drunk?
OK. Don't snatch it!
Hi, Ross, this is Jeremy's friend, Robin.
Oh, hi. Is something wrong with him?
Actually, he's a bit under the weather.
Can he call you back when he's feeling better?
Listen, tell your boyfriend I got him that job interview
at Trent Publishing in Hemel Hempstead,
but the boss, Hugh Franklin, needs to see him there in one hour.
OK, first of all, he's not my boyfriend,
and, second, I'm afraid that's not going to be possible.
You know, he's really not feeling well. Who's not your boyfriend?
Is he drunk?
Not exactly.
- Look, missy... - Excuse me, did you actually just call me missy?
Look, I went out on a limb to get him this job interview,
and there's not going to be a second chance.
So unless you want him back on the bloody dole,
you'll give him a black coffee
and drag his formidable bum up there right away.
All right, just give me the address. It's 137...
When I move my hand, I can see where my hand has been.
... third floor at the corner of Dodge Street, got it?
OK, got it. I'll do my best. Goodbye.
OK, make sure... OK, Jeremy, listen to me.
Find your tie, we've got to go out. Yes, we're going on a field trip!
Right. I'll drive.
No, I'm driving, you just sit and relax. Oh, I'm very relaxed.
Ah! You OK?
How fast are we going?
- 27 miles per hour. - Oh, you should slow down. Please slow down.
Jeremy, when you meet with this Mr Franklin, just keep it simple.
Don't tell him every little thing you're thinking, OK?
OK. But I think you should know that I... I have something
bulging in my trousers.
OK, that's just the kind of thing I'm talking about.
Oh, I'll feel better if I can get it out.
- No! Jeremy, no. No, don't take it out! - Oh, argh.
Hey, you found your tie!
There it is. This is a good omen.
Maybe everything will work out after all.
Ross tells me that you have a natural affinity for copy editing.
Was that phone here when I came in?
The phone? Yes, of course.
The deer, was the deer here when I came in?
Yes.
Oh, good.
Just wanted to make sure they weren't following me.
You were saying something about natural infinity.
Affinity, yes. Ross says you're a born copy editor.
- Oh. - Always catching spelling and punctuation errors wherever you go.
Those words are very...
tangible.
Are you feeling all right, Mr Sloane?
Yes, I'm absolutely fine.
You know your desk is breathing?
Close your eyes, listen.
I'm going to have a walk around. I feel a bit sick.
Why don't you call Sue and get her to send some squash through?
Is this your wife? No.
Oh, you dirty, old bugger!
This wasn't actual size, was it?
It's tiny.
Just like old Mr Hitler himself.
What?
Would it be crazy if I told you I think I love you?
No crazier than when you said it to the receptionist,
the doorman, or the meter maid.
Meter maid!
Ah!
I can see why dogs like this so much!
OK, shh. Quiet now.
No.
It's OK. Hey, Nigel.
I understand. Ah, that's right, that's what we want, isn't it, huh?
We just need to know that we're all... that we're all loved, yeah?
That's amazing!
Not really. Not when you know that we're all part of the same universe,
all in this together. Aren't we, mate, hmm?
Yeah, I think it's time you and I became friends, yeah?
Fucking Christ, this is... Oh, please, no! Someone shoot him!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus, help me!
Somebody shoot him! Argh, shoot him!
Quite a day you've had.
It's "we." It's quite a day WE had.
I guess that's true.
I wouldn't change it for the world. Even though you blew the interview?
If I don't get the job, it wasn't meant to be.
Look at you, a couple of brownies, you're practically a Buddhist monk.
It may have been a few.
Well, that should do it.
Feel better?
Why are you being so nice to me?
Because you're a good man with a big heart,
and you make a really nice roast chicken Provencal.
Jeremy!