Daddy, are you sure George doesn't mind
us selling off his material possessions?
Well, this is garage stuff. Georgie will never miss it.
- Georgie won't miss what? - Georgie, I need to talk to you
about an exciting moneymaking "skenario."
No.
Junior has a booth at the swap meet, a stellar location.
Right between the Gucci knockoffs and the furry tiger blankets.
Now we're just collecting inventory.
It's for a worthy cause, Georgie. Junior needs some invisaligns.
I've got a slight underbite. It's impeding my confidence.
Okay, fine. Take what you want from the garage,
but, guys, listen. Nothing from the house, okay?
- Got it. - And don't strip my Porsche for parts.
1x09 - School's Out [groovy rock music]
'Sup, fool?
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
[badly playing "Smoke on the water"]
[laughs]
You are still trying to play... what is that song?
"Smoke on the water," I just learned this part right here.
[plays high notes]
The midlife crisis just marches on.
I have great news, I finally found the perfect middle school for Harper.
Look. The Mind Academy.
[chuckles] You want Harper running around L.A. in a t-shirt that says
- "the Mind Academy"? - Yeah.
How about "kick my ass. The line starts here"?
George, 72% of their students end up in Ivy league colleges.
Yeah, I'm sure, okay, and 100% of them end up entitled, spoiled brats.
"For my 16th birthday, I want a boob job, a beemer, a gold card."
Send him to St. Theresa's.
The nuns will beat the knowledge into him.
Mom, the nuns don't hit anymore.
Then get me my belt, and I'll homeschool the little bastard.
Touch my child, and I'll run over you with my car.
You mean the car that my son paid for?
Look, I'm not gonna write a check to turn Harper
into one of those kids I always wanted to beat up.
- Fine, you're his father, and I respect that. - Thank you.
- We have an interview tomorrow. - What?
You don't have to say anything. Just show up.
This school is big on diversity.
Oh, diversity, I get it. There you go.
So you want to play up Harper's Mexican side
to get him accepted into a school that's gonna turn him more lily-white.
The appointment's at 11:00. Just show up and look Mexican.
- And be on time. - Well, which one do you want?
You want me to be Mexican or be on time?
'Cause they usually don't come in the same package.
Why don't you just cut off your palo and hand it to her?
Why don't you cut off your palo and deep-fry it?
You deep-fry everything else.
Go back in there. Why you got to be listening to my life?
You want to educate that little half-breed?
Drop him downtown at the bus station with no money. He'll learn.
Right, or as you called it, kindergarten.
You know, I always wondered why my snack buddy
was a 80-year-old wino, never shared.
That white whore twists you around her finger like a rosary!
You know, you got no say in my life, old lady,
and another thing, my son will never go to that school.
Then why are you going to the meeting?
Because... you...
because even though we're divorced, okay,
we're trying to do something called "co-parenting,"
where you provide a linear playing field for a child's formative years
so that there's a structure to the mayhem.
Until you get your huevos back from Mackenzie, here, use these.
No, better, these.
All right, so how diverse do you want me to be?
Do you want me to be like Antonio Banderas?
[as Antonio Banderas] I love this school for my son.
Or do you want me to be like Cheech?
[as Cheech Marin] I wanna try to get my kid into this school.
[mumbling]
George, our son's future is dependent upon this interview.
Okay, well, then, you can never go wrong with this voice.
Hello. I understand the curriculum here is exemplary.
Two thumbs up, by gum!
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Lopez.
- Oh, hi. - Hi.
- We're divorced. - But on good terms.
No... not really.
- Okay, right this way. - After you, darling.
I'm Kimberly Sloan, the headmistress. Please.
We were very excited to receive Domingo's application.
[whispering] Who's Domingo?
Actually, his full name is Harper Domingo Bradford-Lopez.
Ah, but around the house, we just call him little casper.
Well, as you know, we take great pride
in the diverse background of our students.
Given Harper's dual heritage, it's one of the things
that attracted us to the school in the first place.
Isn't that right, George?
[as Dos Equis Man] I don't usually like school...
but when I do, I prefer this one.
[laughs]
Harper doesn't hear the voices in his head that his dad does.
Well, we foster all forms of creativity here at the school.
In fact, we encourage our students to think,
to question, to develop a lifelong sense of wonder.
- How much? - George.
Well, it's gonna come up. We might as well get to it.
No, that's all right.
The fathers do like to get down to business.
Here is our tuition schedule.
- Is that in pesos? - Dollars.
[laughs]
A year?
- A semester. - Oh.
Okay, does this school offer any custodial opportunities
that I may perform in order to offset some of this tuition?
How can you put a price on our son's education?
I didn't put a price on Domingo's education.
The "Devil Wears Prada" did.
[badly playing "Smoke on the water"]
I hope you're happy.
Harper was denied admission to the Mind Academy.
- He's gonna be devastated. - You mean you're devastated.
I mean, this whole mind academy thing was just so I could spend
a lot of money, so you could brag to all your girlfriends at brunch.
"Our kids all go to the same school,
and after drop-off, we can go spinning,
and we can get a smoothie with a protein boost."
What are we gonna do?
What do you mean, "what are we going to do?"
There's a perfectly good public school down the street.
That school? Absolutely not.
He can even use his god-given name, Domingo.
They got about ten Domingos there, he'll fit right in.
Do you have any idea what he'll be missing?
The mind academy has Mandarin, a marine biology program,
backpacking trips through the desert.
How do you think my family got here?
Look, Mac, you and I both went to public school,
and one of us turned out okay, and so will he.
Besides, Harper doesn't care what school he goes to.
Yes, he does. This is the only one he was excited about.
It's gonna break his heart. [sighs] How are we gonna tell him?
You see? That's the thing right there.
You think a kid is gonna crumble just because of a little disappointment.
Okay. Fine, tough guy, you tell him.
- I'll tell him. - All right.
I'll tell him the same way that my Mom told me that my dog died.
She said, "look at thing in the street right there.
looks like a pizza. That's Chico.
And the two black things? Those aren't black olives.
- those are his eyes." - Ugh.
"And the four little things?
They didn't add breadsticks. Those are his legs."
Oh! Oh, hi, honey.
Um, your dad has something to tell you about school.
Did we hear from the Mind Academy yet?
Uh... honey? [chuckles]
All my friends have heard, and they got in.
Except Bernard. He still doesn't know how to tie his shoes.
So you really liked this school, huh?
I loved it! Their campus is huge. They have a new video studio,
and you get to call their teachers by their first name.
- How cool is that? - Yeah, that's... that's very cool.
So did we hear?
Uh, no. Um, we haven't heard yet.
- Oh, man. - But don't be disappointed.
I mean, they handwrite those letters.
You know, there's calligraphy, there's embossing,
there's the stamp, then they gotta blow on the hot wax.
Dad, they usually send an email.
If I haven't heard yet, I'm not getting in.
Wow. You are one tough-talking Mexican.
I'd gonna run with George Lopez in a dark alley. {*}
I might get embossed.
Grandma, can you help me with this problem?
No.
- Dad, I can't get this problem. - Here, let me take a look.
You can't help him. You're stupid.
But you can pretend. Go ahead.
You know, I think I can do junior high math, thank you.
Let me see that. [clears throat]
"The Smith family is traveling on a vacation destination in two cars.
Mrs. Smith leaves home at noon, traveling 45 miles per hour.
Mr. Smith leaves one hour later
and travels at 55 miles per hour for the first two hours." Ugh.
"At what time does Mr. Smith overtake Mrs. Smith?"
This is what they're teaching you?
Who the hell leaves at noon? And they shouldn't be taking two cars.
Here's what you can learn: Mexicans, we fit everybody
in the same car with the baby in the glove compartment,
and we get there when we get there. Write that down.
That's true.
You know, um, Harper, you know that school
that you want to go to, I'm sure the math is even harder there.
- I know. - Because...
[clears throat] there are plenty of other good schools.
- Not for me. - Oh.
Hey, George, look at this, $627.89.
That's like three of my disability checks.
We almost have enough for my invisaligns.
Nobody will ever call you "bulldog" again, mijo.
What the hell did you guys sell at the swap meet?
Just a bunch of old junk.
We got 50 bucks for that treadmill that you clearly never use. [laughs]
And that motorcycle doll. Some fool gave us 200 bucks for that thing.
Wait a minute, my Evel Knievel stunt cycle and action figure?
I didn't say you could sell that.
Alma did. She said to get rid of it.
Wait a minute, you told them they could sell
my mint-condition Evel Knievel action figure?
You're too old to play with dolls, fat-ass.
Find the guy who bought it and get it back.
You know what, we're sorry, Georgie.
We overstepped my boundaries.
Okay, don't come back here without it. Go!
You collect dolls?
No, I don't. Just... just that one.
- Why? - My dad bought it for me.
It was a long, long time ago.
He only bought it for you because he was drunk.
Of course he was drunk. Look who he was married to.
February 18, 1973. The L.A. Coliseum. We had front-row seats.
Evel Knievel jumped 50 cars on a Harley-Davidson motorcycle.
It was amazing. He was all in white, on top.
[imitates motorcycle] [both laugh]
You and your dad liked Evel Knievel?
No, I did. He thought he was an idiot.
[chuckles] Wasting gas.
Then how come he took you?
Because he knew that it was important to me.
And to get away from her.
This is the one I want you to read. Okay? Thanks.
I've been watching you all night, papi.
- You seem troubled. - Yeah, I'm troubled by the fact
that you've been watching me all night.
Hey, hey, hey, listen, the night janitor's still here.
He's drunk, but if I scream loud enough, he'll show up.
Come on, relax. Come on, sit down.
Come on, come on. Come on, talk to me.
Okay, I can tell there's something weighing heavy on your heart.
Okay, don't think of me as the voluptuous woman
down the hall who would give herself to you in a heartbeat.
Just... think of me as a friend.
- Okay. - Okay? Just as a friend.
Okay, well... [chuckles]
you can start by stop playing with my nipples.
Oh, I'm sorry. [chuckles] When I'm around you,
my hands seem to have a mind of their own.
Okay, I'll behave. Tell me what's wrong.
Well, my son had his heart set on this private school,
and he got rejected, and I don't know how to tell him.
Of course you don't.
You never want your child to be disappointed.
George, let me show you a picture of the best part of me.
- Oh, come on! You see? - No, stop it.
- You said you wanted to talk! - Stop it. Sit down.
Is it you in the tankini again?
[sighs]
My daughter. My daughter Yolanda.
Wow. I didn't know you had a daughter.
- Mm-hmm. - She's beautiful.
And smart and nothing like her father,
who, if I ever see again, I'll gut like a fish.
I love my daughter, and I would do anything for her.
She's my life. So what happened when you
went back to the school and raised hell?
- I didn't go back to the school. - Why?
You know, I don't know if I want him to go there.
I mean, I don't want to spend a fortune
to turn my kid into this spoiled, little, L.A. rich kid.
No, you pay the school to open his mind.
The kind of man he becomes is your job.
George, do you think he should go to that school?
Well, I gotta remember that he's not me, okay?
I don't like the school, but he does.
So I think he should go.
Okay. Then it's up to you to make it happen.
Scream at them, slash their tire, key their car, whatever.
Yeah, that behavior traditionally doesn't work out well for Mexicans.
No. Come on, you know what I'm saying.
You are his father, and if you don't fight for him, who will?
So go! Do it, now!
Well, I can't right now. It's late, the school is closed.
Oh, good. Then we have some time.
- Let's take a bath. - Wh...
[knocking at the door]
- Oh, Mr. Lopez. Did we... - Ms. Sloan, do you have a minute?
Please, sit down.
I'm very sorry the way things turned out for H. Domingo.
Right. Well, you know, H. Domingo is a great kid.
And, I mean, he might not have been
the smartest kid that applied, or he might not have been...
No, no, no, no, no, no, your son is terrific.
- His transcript was excellent. - Well, then, why was he rejected?
Well, um, the interview is as much about the parents
as it is about the student.
I knew it, my ex-wife. I told her, "bring it down."
She got on your nerves, right?
She got on your nerves. She gets on my nerves.
Can you imagine 11 years spent with a person like that?
May I be blunt?
- The problem was you. - Damn, that is blunt.
Okay, look, I know when I was here for the interview,
I-I made that whole thing about... about money.
Yeah, if the school didn't frown upon gender stereotypes,
I'd say you whined like a little girl.
See, but what you need to understand is,
that's a lot of money to a person like me.
I'm just a humble, immigrant businessman.
I was born in a small, Mexican fishing village
called El Pescado.
And my Mom worked on a shrimp boat 16 hours a day.
It wasn't even really that much of a boat
as much as it was a door with a net on it.
And when I was born, she was working,
and she just squatted down on the door, shot me into the net.
And it broke her heart
that she never got a chance to send me to school.
And before she died, she said,
[voice cracking] "if you ever have a son,
make sure that he doesn't grow up to be estupido like you."
[sniffs] And then a wave came and took her.
That was a very touching story.
Although according to Google, you were born here in L.A.,
your mother is still living, and your humble business
has captured 5% of the energy drink market.
- Google! - Mr. Lopez, I'm confused.
I thought you didn't care for our school.
Okay, look, I don't, okay, but my son does.
And this school is perfect for him,
so if you guys would reconsider, I'll write the check.
Mr. Lopez, you can't just buy your way into our school
for anything less than... than this.
Damn, that is a lot of zeros.
That would get him in?
Well, our school is very big on parental donations.
When you say "donations," do you mean "donations,"
- or do you mean... "donations"? - That one with the wink.
The one with the wink.
And we are midway through our fund-raising drive
for our new interactive library.
So if I was being a little more interactive,
like let's say... that there, that would get him in?
Well, as long as we're interacting...
That better be a smiley face and not another zero.
It's both. [laughs]
I find a little whimsy takes the sting out of writing that check.
[sighs]
[chuckles]
It's like it doesn't want to come out.
Welcome to the Mind Academy.
- Thank you very much. - Yes. [chuckles]
[badly playing "Smoke on the water"]
George, Harper's on his way in.
God, enough "smoke on the water."
Come on, we had years of unsatisfying sex to this song.
And much like the song,
the sex lasted for two minutes and ended in a solo.
Listen, he has been asking all day about school.
- You have to tell him. - You're right.
And don't be too harsh. But don't baby him.
I mean, baby him a little, but don't make it obvious.
[sighs] I need a drink.
Which one of these penis bottles has the Scotch?
- Hey, Dad. - Oh, hey, Harper. Come over here.
I need to talk to you, son.
We both do. It's about the Mind Academy.
Remember, you're a great kid with a lot to offer.
Which is why you got accepted!
- I did? - He did?
You start in the fall, Domingo!
Awesome! Mom, how cool is this?
- Oh! - How many people can I group text?
I'll figure it out.
Yes!
I don't get it. He was rejected. What happened?
I went to the school. I sat with Ms. Sloan.
We spoke bluntly about our feelings.
Yeah, what really happened, Mr. Banderas?
I left a big-ass check
and a little bit of my soul in that office.
[laughs]
[playing]
[neighbor] Hey, smoke on the water! You suck!
Oh, thanks! All right, he recognized the song!
Why are you playing that drug addict music?
You need to hear some real music.
[mariachi music]
That music only sounds good when you're drunk.
I am drunk.
- Oh, hell, no! - Hey!
Yo, Georgie! Here's your stupid toy.
- I hope you're happy. - All right, he's still in the box!
Look at him, sissy boy, hugging a doll.
Cost us every cent we made on selling your other stuff.
I'm sorry, mijo, I let you down.
That's okay, Daddy, I don't... I don't need those invisaligns.
No, we're gonna get rid of that underbite
- even if i have to get a job. - A job? But...
No, Daddy. You don't have to do that.
I will! I don't want to, but anything for you, son.
Oh, Daddy. Come here.
Your dad's willing to get a job. That's love, junior.
That fool has never wanted to work.
I'll tell you what, I'm gonna pay for your invisaligns.
Are... are you sure? They're expensive.
I want tops and bottoms.
Junior, I'm gonna get you the best,
from a real dentist, not a guy that advertises on the bus.
"Llamame: Cinco, cinco, cinco, cinco, cinco, cinco, cinco."
Thanks, man. I'm coming in.
No, no, you don't have to come in.
I'm coming in. Daddy, come join us.
Alma, come on. Come on.
[junior] Alma, get in here.
Come on, Mom, when was the last time you were with three guys?
Ten days ago. [all groan]
- Then don't ask! - Oh!
[mariachi music]
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~